A Fine Parent

I was three years old the first time that I was sent to my room as a punishment.

I knew that I was in trouble and that I wasn’t supposed to be playing with my toys. Instead, I thought I should probably sit quietly and look at a book. My book of choice was Bambi and I distinctly recall thinking I was doing a good thing by patiently awaiting my mother’s return.

When she did, she scolded me because I had been sent to my room as punishment, not to play.

I will never forget the confusion I felt in that moment because I thought I had been doing something good by choosing a quiet activity over a toy.

The problem was, my mom had never explained what being “sent to my room” was supposed to entail. She just assumed I understood. But how can a three-year-old who has never been sent to her room before be expected to know what to do?

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“Six kids? You guys probably don’t get out much.” We hear that all the time.

Truthfully, no matter how many children are involved, parental self-care and relationship maintenance often fall by the wayside when seemingly “more urgent” life concerns intrude.

In our house, these concerns include the many responsibilities involved in raising half a dozen children, four of whom have significant emotional, behavioral, and developmental challenges due to a very unstable childhood characterized by neglect, homelessness, multiple caregivers, and a final traumatic entry into formal foster care when the oldest was nine and the youngest was two.

However, we brought these children into our home to give them a chance for stability and healing, and we want to provide that first of all with stable caregiving and healthy relationship modeling—showing adult connections that are loving, supportive, forgiving, and nurturing.

Staying with them, and staying together. Refusing to be divided. Refusing to give up on our love for each other. Refusing to put anything—or anyone, no matter how small, cute, angry, and needy—ahead of family well-being.

In her parenting guide Raising Adopted Children, Lois Ruskai Melina says it this way—“[If] the marital relationship is neglected, it will eventually need critical attention, leaving [parents] with little energy with which to nurture their child.”

Conversely, when parents care for themselves, everybody wins.

With that in mind—we do get out. Much.

Our family’s special needs require advance planning, tight routine, and intentionality with the budget, but my husband and I have made weekly date nights a non-negotiable priority from the moment our children moved in and initiated takeover proceedings.

There has been a learning curve, but by following these steps, our family has reached a point where our babysitters rarely encounter behavioral problems, making our date nights mostly stress-free.

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We all know the expression “Sharing is caring”.

But, sharing is also so much more than just caring, isn’t it?

Teaching our kids to share their toys or story books, or at times their favorite food, is another way to teach our kids how to be compassionate – not just towards other kids but in general with people around them as they grow up.

Sharing is not always an easy habit to instill though.

If you are a parent with two or more kids, you’re likely more than sick of the constant sibling fights related to not wanting to share. Somehow a toy never looks quite as appealing to a child as it does when her sibling is playing (peacefully!) with it.

And like me, if you are a parent of a single child, instilling the sharing habits takes on a completely different form. I have a 3.5 year-old son and considering that he doesn’t need to share his toys with anyone during the course of regular play at home, I find it really hard to introduce the concept of sharing to him.

I’m an aspiring positive parent. As with other things I teach my child, I want to go about this as positively as I can. I have been trying a few things and I’m happy to say that things are certainly looking up when my son has play dates with other kids.

Here’s what I’ve found –

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