A Fine Parent

The journey of childhood is defined by the transition from a state of complete dependence to one of personal autonomy. To go from being a helpless infant to an independent adult.

To achieve healthy independence, kids need to be taught how to feel comfortable with every aspect of who they are. This is especially important for children with elevated anxiety levels. They must be provided with enough structure to make them feel secure, but not so much structure that their ability to make decisions is curtailed.

You’ve heard of helicopter parenting? How about the lawn mower parent? Both these parenting strategies come from a place of fear. Fear of failure. Fear of danger. Fear of the unknown.

And both these types of parenting, according to Julie Lythcott-Haims’s book How to Raise an Adult, prevent children from developing resourcefulness, resilience, and critical thinking skills. This overparenting cripples our children and prevents them from becoming healthy, independent adults.

Practicing Autonomy Supportive Parenting is one way to end overparenting and achieve our true parenting goals with minimal stress – to them and us.

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The first time my son got a failing grade on a math test, I flipped out.

“What do you mean you got a 1? How is it even possible to get a 1? I know you studied for the test. Your Dad reviewed the whole chapter with you,” I kept saying.

My 7^th grader replied helplessly: “I don’t know, Mom. I got most of the answers right, but the teacher gave me a failing grade because I didn’t show my work.” And then, a bit more confidently, “What’s the big deal anyway? It’s just one test.”

I had to take a deep breath and count to 10 to avoid saying something I would later regret.

My son’s words went against everything I believed about the importance of school.

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“Bedtime!” we trill.

Tonight, my husband and I hope that, for once, our children will say, “Okay!” and dutifully tromp up the stairs for pajamas, tooth brushing, and lights out.

Wouldn’t that be magical?

But let’s not kid ourselves, that is just not going to happen most of the time. And when they resist, and we respond with “because I said so,” or “you have to go to bed,” what we are doing is asserting our power over them. I am bigger, older, and more powerful than you so you have to do what I say. That can feel disrespectful to the child and invites resistance.

Cue: “I don’t wanna go to bed!!”

We need to look at it from their point of view. Our children have little to no control over much of their daily lives.

We wake them up for school or daycare. We tell them to get dressed and go to the bathroom. At school they are told where to be, when to be there, and what to think about. Then at home we tell them to practice an instrument or sport. And then we tell them what to eat!

Telling them when to go to bed can be the last straw. That is why most power struggles revolve around their physical self or body.

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“It’s not fair!”

All day yesterday I listened to my 9 year-old son tell me that my decision to have him stay home and not play with his friends was completely unfair.

There were too many chores that needed doing, and, besides, he’d been at school all week and had barely interacted with his little sister in days. I wanted to give my daughter the quality time with her older brother she’d been craving since Monday.

“But, it’s not fair!” he cried then. “I didn’t get to play with them all week!”

“And it’s not fair to your sister,” I explained. “She hasn’t gotten to play with you all week. She loves you and wants to spend time with you. And she wants to feel like her big brother wants to spend time with her, too. So, do that for me today and you can see your friends tomorrow.”

He sucked up his frustration – albeit with some final grumbling – and feigned having fun playing with his sister. Soon enough, he didn’t need to pretend anymore. He was legitimately having a good time.

Yet, it was inevitable that he’d remind me today of the deal we’d struck yesterday. Just as it was inevitable that the unfairness baton would be passed to my daughter, who would turn her focus inward and complain about the wrong she perceived being done to her.

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“I’m sure I never had homework at that age,” my husband mutters under his breath after I tell my son I expect him to add more details to his paragraph.

I give my husband ‘the look’ and he returns to buttering his toast.

After much cajoling and persuasion, my son finally completes his writing assignment and I send him out to play.

Hands on my hips, I turn to my husband, “What kind of message are you sending to our son when you complain about homework in front of him?”

“An eight-year-old should be out playing,” my husband argues.

“I agree,” I say, “but he also needs to know that school comes first.”

He returns to buttering his toast.

Variations of this conversation have played out many times in our house since my son first started school.

As a former elementary school teacher I know how important it is to have high expectations for children. Children will not automatically choose to practice piano or do their homework over playing Minecraft (at least mine won’t).

I know a bit of pushing of is required, but how can we do this effectively and not turn our children off to learning completely? And how do we get them to achieve without pushing them up from behind?

How can I be supportive without being a Tiger Mom – that mom that drives kids to the brink searching for perfection?

Faced with my own questions about Tiger Moms, I turned to Amy Chua’s memoir, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.

My first reaction was guilt. Maybe I should be pushing my children more? Will they fall behind their counterparts from around the world if I don’t make them work harder?

Then, I had a flashback of competing in a piano competition when I was 12-years-old. Feelings of inadequacy flooded back when I remembered 9-year-old children performing pieces that required far more dexterity than I had at 12.

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