A Fine Parent

Me: Do you want chicken soup or a baked potato for dinner?

Kids: —

Me (slightly louder): Do you want chicken soup or a baked potato for dinner?

Kids: What?

Me (definitely louder): Do you want chicken soup or a baked potato for dinner?

Kids: What?

Me (dialed up to 11): I said do you want . . .

Does this conversation sound familiar to you? Do you find your voice rising, your tone getting harsher, and still no response? You are not alone. For a while almost every conversation I was having with my children sounded just like that!

Believe me, I never wanted to become that parent. None of us do. So why is it so easy to fall into the habit of nagging?

Mostly it’s a question of acting on instinct. We get distracted. Whether it’s our job, our phone, our worries, our to-do list, something is consuming our thoughts and we start acting on auto-pilot.

Another reason parents nag is because they are trying to assert their authority.

We make the mistake of equating parental authority with bossiness instead of leadership. According to Dr. Robert Myers, PhD, nagging says, in effect, “I will stop punishing you with this annoying nagging when you do what I want you to.”

While it’s good to teach your children to respect authority, nagging doesn’t actually accomplish that goal. A good parent doesn’t demand respect. We earn respect by showing respect. And we teach respect by showing respect.

[Read More…]

Our parents had it easy. They pretty much had two sources for making decisions about their kids – their own parents and maybe a tattered copy of Dr. Spock’s baby book.

You and I, on the other hand, have access to all the material ever created on parenting at our fingertips.

We do research and worry about screen time, sugar, and our kids’ emotional development. We also have access to every opinion and judgment on social media, where our formerly chill friends can turn into aggressive parenting experts.

The result is a perfect recipe for anxious parents. As a pediatrician, it’s the most pervasive problem I see every day, and, as a parent, I struggle with it constantly too.

Good parents tend to be a bit anxious. They read books and gather opinions to help their kids be healthier, happier, and smarter in a world that seems to increasingly threaten those things. But being too anxious about our kids can get in the way of those goals.

It’s a big topic, but I want to explore a few areas where we can do practical things to reduce our anxiety. We’ll talk about how parental anxiety can create insecurities that companies are ready to exploit, for example. Then we’ll look at how it can turn the dinner table into a battleground three times a day and lead to long-term unhealthy eating habits. Finally, we’ll explore how anxiety can crush our own identities as individuals and transfer over to our kids.

[Read More…]

My daughter’s eyes were filled with tears and my voice was louder than it needed to be. We were arguing over something trivial and small.

Or so I thought.

We had gone round and round about the homework she was struggling with. She was convinced she wouldn’t be able to do it, and I was confident she could if she just pushed through.

It was a moment when I could see her potential more than she could. She felt like she was sinking, and all I saw was her refusal to stand up in the shallow water.

After going round and round we were both exasperated. Heels dug in tight, I realized I needed to be the one to move first.

All I could think was to ask a question:

“What do you need?” I pleaded.

“I don’t know, Mom.” And the tears came.

In that moment I knew she had no idea what she needed and it was my job to figure it out with her. This wasn’t about helping her with homework; this was about helping her find her way.

Teens often don’t know what they need. Most kids don’t, but when they’re young we step in more willingly. Now that our babies are more at eye-level we look at them expecting adult choices, forgetting that sometimes they don’t know how to figure things out on their own.

Here are 6 things your teen may not have a clue he or she needs.

[Read More…]

The term “mindfulness” is popping up everywhere these days. There are books and apps and whole pages dedicated to mindful moments in popular magazines. There are mindfulness exercises to help us slow down, eat less and lose weight, focus more, and work harder.

There’s even mindfulness activities that promise to help us be better parents.

I’ll admit it, I’ve bought in.

Mindfulness has been wonderful for me. It started slowly, years ago when I began taking yoga classes, in a tiny studio with only three other students and a teacher who had trained for hundreds and hundreds of hours.

These classes slowed my mind and I learned to observe the stories constantly running through it, without judgement or action.

Now, I’m by no means someone who sits and meditates for an hour everyday — there just isn’t time! Let’s be honest, some days…okay most days…I can’t even find just 10 minutes to sit quietly, let alone a whole hour!

But, still, the lessons I’ve learned in mindfulness are always quietly running through my head. They help me to be more present, calmer, and empathetic with those around me, especially with my child.

I’m not the only one who has seen the benefits of mindfulness. Researchers have published studies that compare brain images of those who regularly practice mindfulness and those who don’t.

These studies have found that those engaged in mindfulness activities have an increased brain capacity for decision-making, rational thinking, emotion regulation, learning, memory, kindness and compassion.

These studies also show that mindfulness practices decrease brain activity in areas involved with anxiety, worry and impulsiveness.

If studies done with adults show all these benefits, I couldn’t help but wonder if similar impacts would be seen in children. Here’s what I found out.

[Read More…]