A Fine Parent

My daughter’s eyes were filled with tears and my voice was louder than it needed to be. We were arguing over something trivial and small.

Or so I thought.

We had gone round and round about the homework she was struggling with. She was convinced she wouldn’t be able to do it, and I was confident she could if she just pushed through.

It was a moment when I could see her potential more than she could. She felt like she was sinking, and all I saw was her refusal to stand up in the shallow water.

After going round and round we were both exasperated. Heels dug in tight, I realized I needed to be the one to move first.

All I could think was to ask a question:

“What do you need?” I pleaded.

“I don’t know, Mom.” And the tears came.

In that moment I knew she had no idea what she needed and it was my job to figure it out with her. This wasn’t about helping her with homework; this was about helping her find her way.

Teens often don’t know what they need. Most kids don’t, but when they’re young we step in more willingly. Now that our babies are more at eye-level we look at them expecting adult choices, forgetting that sometimes they don’t know how to figure things out on their own.

Here are 6 things your teen may not have a clue he or she needs.

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The term “mindfulness” is popping up everywhere these days. There are books and apps and whole pages dedicated to mindful moments in popular magazines. There are mindfulness exercises to help us slow down, eat less and lose weight, focus more, and work harder.

There’s even mindfulness activities that promise to help us be better parents.

I’ll admit it, I’ve bought in.

Mindfulness has been wonderful for me. It started slowly, years ago when I began taking yoga classes, in a tiny studio with only three other students and a teacher who had trained for hundreds and hundreds of hours.

These classes slowed my mind and I learned to observe the stories constantly running through it, without judgement or action.

Now, I’m by no means someone who sits and meditates for an hour everyday — there just isn’t time! Let’s be honest, some days…okay most days…I can’t even find just 10 minutes to sit quietly, let alone a whole hour!

But, still, the lessons I’ve learned in mindfulness are always quietly running through my head. They help me to be more present, calmer, and empathetic with those around me, especially with my child.

I’m not the only one who has seen the benefits of mindfulness. Researchers have published studies that compare brain images of those who regularly practice mindfulness and those who don’t.

These studies have found that those engaged in mindfulness activities have an increased brain capacity for decision-making, rational thinking, emotion regulation, learning, memory, kindness and compassion.

These studies also show that mindfulness practices decrease brain activity in areas involved with anxiety, worry and impulsiveness.

If studies done with adults show all these benefits, I couldn’t help but wonder if similar impacts would be seen in children. Here’s what I found out.

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Will you do something for me? Humor me here.

I want you to think about a recent situation you found yourself in that made you feel anxious.

Maybe it was a big meeting or presentation at work. Maybe it was a job interview or a public speaking gig. Maybe it was walking into a doctor’s office or the dentist. Maybe it was because you had a fender bender or forgot to pay a bill. Maybe it was as you were dialing a number to have a conversation with someone that you knew wasn’t going to go well.

Now think about how it made you feel.

Sweaty palms. Racing heart. Shaking hands. The feeling you have to use the bathroom. The feeling you can’t quite catch your breath. Restless legs. Clenched fists. Shutting down. Dizziness. Upset stomach. Tense muscles.

Now think about how that must feel to our children; with their young minds and not yet fully developed coping skills.

Anxiety.

It’s a normal part of our human existence. Everyone feels anxiety at times, as we inevitably will have experiences that present as “high stakes.” Think about professional athletes and how they feel when walking onto the court, the track, the field. Although they may not outwardly show it, even the most seasoned athlete experiences nerves.

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Who taught you about the birds and the bees?

Maybe your parents had an awkward conversation with you or handed you a book to read. Maybe you got bits and pieces of information from your friends. Or maybe you learned from sex education class in school.

Have you thought about when you’ll have the “talk” with your child? And how much information you’ll share at different times?

Will you be proactive to teach your child about sex and puberty?

You may be thinking, my kids are little!  This is not something I need to think about yet!

I thought that, too. My four kids are ages 10 and under and I didn’t think much about it. I thought I had years to go.

I was wrong.

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