Raise your hands if you think your kids have way more Stuff – toys, clothes, books, trinkets, gadgets – than they need…
I bet most of you mentally raised your hands, right?
It seems to be the case in most households these days!
We try not to indulge our daughter with too much Stuff, but honestly, she has way more things than what a child really needs.
And I am not alone. I see the same thing in most of my friend’s families. While most of us agree that we don’t want to spoil our kids (or ourselves for that matter!) with too much Stuff, it seems like somehow Stuff finds its way into our houses. After all, we all work hard to earn some money, what’s the harm once in a while in spending a little to buy something that makes us or our kids happy, right? And before we know it, there’s Stuff everywhere.
Well, intentionally or not, we are going about this all wrong. Behavioral scientists and researchers have shown time and again that while the old adage “Money can’t buy happiness” is not necessarily true, buying more and more Stuff is definitely not the way to go. If you do want your money to buy happiness, then the key is to spend it correctly.
And what is that correct way? And why? How do we incorporate this into our families?
As it turn out, you can get the best bang for your buck if you…
Spend Your Money to Buy Experiences Instead of Possessions
Just think about it – what were the top 5 items of Stuff that you bought (for yourself or your kids) in the past year (eg., clothes, electronics, toys etc.) that brought you happiness?
How many of them bring you the same joy now as they did when you purchased them first? That new iPad, the new pair of shoes or the latest toy you were so thrilled to have just a year or two ago are now just old and outdated, and nowhere near as thrilling as they used to be.
Now, think back on the last vacation you took, or the last time you got together with family for the holidays. Imagine you are looking at the pictures. Probably, brought a smile back to your face even if it was years ago, right?
Researchers who studied this phenomenon indicate that surveys consistently show spending your money to buy experiences gives you the best ROI in terms of buying long-term happiness. They hypothesize that experiences trump possessions because –
1. Perceptions of experiences improve with time, whereas most possessions deteriorate over time.
This was what we looked at in the little example above. Your vacation might not have been a perfect one or you may have had some friction/irritation with the family during the holiday get-together. However, chances are, as time passes, you will forget the downside of the experience, and remember mostly the fun times you had. Since an experience resides in memory, as time passes, it morphs into whatever you want it to be – most often something fun that brings back a feeling of joy.
Possessions on the other hand are physical object that tend to degrade with time. The latest fashionable jacket that you splurged a fortune on is now in the clearance racks costing less than half of what you paid, and every Tom, Dick and Harry has one. The latest gadget/gizmo you bought last year is oh-so-last year… there are so many newer, flashier models on the market now. Consequently, the joy they bring you over time diminishes dramatically, to the point that you have to “upgrade” to the new latest, or it will be a source of pain instead of joy!
2. Experiences are less subject to comparative evaluation.
Let’s try another simple experiment. Which of these scenarios would you prefer?
Scenario 1: Everyone you know earns $25,000 per year, but you earn twice as much as them, ie, $50,000/year.
Scenario 2: Everyone you know earns $200,000 per year, but you earn half as much as them, ie, $100,000/year.
When researchers asked this question to survey participants, about half of them preferred scenario 1, even though in absolute terms, the annual salary of scenario 1 is far less than that of scenario 2!
As humans, we have a tendency to compare ourselves to others, and we don’t necessarily care about what we have, as long as it is better than those around us.
With material possessions, such comparisons are easy. You are thrilled with the purchase of your new state-of-the-art, shiny new sedan with leather trim and alloy wheels until an SUV pulls by sporting everything you have, plus a sunroof, a v8 engine, a heck of a lot more cabin space, far more towing capacity and a fancier emblem. And just like that, the value of your prized possession goes pfffff…tttt.
Experiences on the other hand tend to be unique. No one else quite has the same experience on the vacation as you do, so they tend to be harder to compare. No matter what the cost of the vacation, you can always think of something you did on that vacation that trumps the experience of someone with a more expensive vacation, keeping the value of your experience high in your own mind.
3. Experiences are more “social” by nature, which in turn has been linked to happiness.
Think of it – whether you are meeting new people on an exotic vacation, family for the holidays, having a dinner out with friends, watching a wonderful show or whatever it is, a lot of experiences tend to be inherently social by nature and as social beings, this helps our happiness thrive.
There is another distinct advantage to spending money on experiences – talking about your experiences is socially far more acceptable than talking about possessions. You could brag about your large screen TV and your Mc Mansion all you want, but chances are you will soon notice the number of “true” friends is shrinking at a dramatic pace. On the other hand, if you were to share the stories of ziplining in the rainforest of Costa Rica, chances are you will have a lot more genuinely interested listeners who are thrilled to by your outlandish stories.
And as humans, it’s not just what we have, but talking about what we have that makes us happier.
4. We adapt slower to experiences than possessions
This is another interesting explanation pointed out by this study and I have to agree! I remember my first few years in the United States. My husband (then boyfriend) and I had come here as students and we got by rather well on our meagre salaries that added up to less than $25K a year. After 2 years, my husband graduated and got a job, and our household income saw a huge jump. A few more years after that, I graduated and got a job, and our household income saw another huge boost.
Of course, we loved the increase in salary and our new lifestyle, but soon the hedonic adaptation — the human tendency to adjust the expectations quickly to improved circumstances, resulting in no permanent gain in happiness — kicked in. Sure enough, I have no lasting happiness from the things purchased due to our increased prosperity (and boy, did we buy a lot of Stuff at that time!).
We get used to things, and start to take them for granted very soon. Experiences on the other hand are rather unique and don’t lend themselves to being taken for granted. And we all know taking things for granted is one of the biggest enemies of long-term happiness.
So, How Can You Incorporate All This to Buy Happiness for Your Family?
I’ve been fortunate (though I didn’t realize it for the longest time :)) to be married to a man who is anti-Stuff. He can’t stand me filling the house up with useless trinkets. I’ve never really been into shopping myself, but I have a nasty weakness — I can’t seem to resist a good deal. And boy, do the marketers here in US know how to use that to make me gladly part with my hard earned money!
Thanks, to being with my husband for 15 years, I’m getting a whole lot better at managing my weakness, and we now try to make sure whatever we spend on offers us something of good value in the long run. More and more, our spending is turning towards the purchase of experiences. Here are some of the ways we try to make buying experiences a part of our spending habits. If you have additional tips, I would love to hear – please do share in the comments!
(Note: If you don’t have a spouse to whip your financial thinking into shape, I highly recommend checking out Mr. Money Mustache. It’s a personal finance blog, but very different from the other ones around, and boy, if there’s someone who can get anyone to think straight about money (and otherwise), that’s him!)
OK, here we go –
1. Consciously cultivate an “experience gift” culture in your family.
For our daughter’s 5th birthday, we gave her an option – you can either have a birthday party for all your friends (translated to lots of gifts) or we can have a small dinner at home with our close friends and go on a Disney Cruise instead.
And then, we did all we can to hype up that Cruise. It helped that my daughter is really into “princess” stuff and remembers the Disneyland visit her aunt had treated her to last year! We made a conscious effort to highlight the memories of that trip, compared to some of the gifts that she’s received over the years that haven’t quite lived up to their initial promise. Sure enough the Disney Cruise won 🙂
It was the first time any of us went cruising, and spending a few days completely disconnected with outside world (I don’t think we went without Internet or cell phone access for an entire week in at least the past 8-10 years!) was incredible. And the port visits were amazing with several truly rare, once in a lifetime moments! And here’s the best part — while the week of the vacation itself was awesome, the planning and anticipation of the vacation brought us so much joy for several months before we actually set sail, and the photographs and memories will be here for us for years more to come!
2. Tailor the choice of your experience to match the family’s interests
This is our first cruise. Disney cruises are a bit more expensive than other cruises (we got a decent deal though!) but we specifically chose this because (a) we knew it would make our daughter very happy and (b) watching our daughter happy makes us happy 🙂 And then we signed up for port excursions that catered to some of our interests — a nice way to make sure some of our interests are addressed, and also introduce our daughter to some new experiences that we like.
Would the Disney Cruise have been a good choice before we had our daughter or if our daughter was too young? I’m pretty sure the answer is no – nice as it was, if it was just my husband and I, we would have probably sailed on a ship catering more to an adult crowd.
Therein lies the key – while choosing your experience, match it to your family’s current situation and interests so you can get the most positive experience possible.
As a matter of fact, in this study mentioned earlier, the researchers warn that while in general, purchasing experiences is definitely a better investment than purchasing possessions there is a downside – the nature of the outcome of your experience amplifies the impact on your happiness. In other words, if your experience had a positive outcome, you will see amplified increase in happiness. On the other hand, if your experience had a negative outcome, you will see amplified increase in unhappiness. So choose carefully.
3. Pace it out
Remember the “hedonic adaptation” we talked about earlier where we have a tendency to adjust the expectations quickly to improved circumstances, resulting in no permanent gain in happiness? That applies to experiences as well.
In general, experiences are so much worth it specifically because they are unique and rare. Just because you can afford it, if you just pile on one experience after the other, you will eventually adapt to it, and it will no longer provide you the same happiness as well-paced, well-planned experiences.
4. Tie it to a life event to make it “pop” more
We could have easily let this cruise be just another family vacation. However, by tying it to our daughter’s birthday, we’ve attached an elevated level of meaning for that cruise all through the planning and anticipation, the experience itself, and the memories that come out of it.
So there, now you know how you can “buy” some happiness for your family the right way 🙂
The 2-Minute Action Plan for Fine Parents
Here are some quick questions to help you inspect some of these findings from the perspective of your family. The answers are not meant to prove any one person is better than the other, but rather they are a means to bring to the forefront the areas where you are already doing good, and the ones that needs improvement. OK, here we go –
Think back to Christmas or the most recent birthday you celebrated in your family –
- How many of the gifts were “possessions” and how many were “experiences”?
- How open are you/spouse to the idea of “experience gifts”?
- How would your children respond if you offered them “experience gifts” instead of toys and trinkets?
- If you are already into “experience gifts” how well tailored are your experiences to your family’s interests?
The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents
Over the course of this week start focusing on how you can slowly shift (or reinforce) your family’s buying habits more and more towards experience purchases instead of possessions. Obviously, it won’t happen overnight, but even small shifts in mindset can provide huge dividends in the long run!
Note: If you are interested in further reading on this matter, and the science of happiness in general, here are some excellent articles that I came across while researching this post that I highly recommend –
I can’t thank you enough for writing this article, it really resonated within my mind. When I was younger I was completely the opposite of this. I never wanted to spend any money on experience’s because I felt they were fleeting and only wanted possessions because you can “hold on to them”. Over the years I have unconsciously begun to change that thought but it isn’t until I read this that I really realized it. It makes so much sense because all of the best memories of my life are experiences! While on maternity leave my argument for going out for coffee everyday and spending the money was that it got us (me and the kids) out of the house and it was an enjoyable trip, it was the experience of it. Just this Christmas I had the idea that instead of buying something for my in-laws (who already have everything they need anyways) we bring them to our city and take them to a show instead and it worked out great. Thank you so much for enlightening me. Namaste.
You know, Shannon, your explanation above makes perfect sense…. at the outset, it does look like experiences are fleeting and you can “hold on” to possessions… that probably explains why we feel such an irresistible tug to spend on Stuff!
I think in my case it was an organic move towards experiences as well… until I put together this article, I wasn’t entirely aware of the dynamics behind it either. Love that you brought your in-laws over for Christmas…. must have been a blast for the kids to have grand parents over and receiving all the attention and pampering that comes with them — so it wasn’t just a special gift you gave your in-laws, but one for your kids as well 🙂
Wishing you luck in continuing to choose experiences over possessions… Take care and seeya around!
Great article. Really made me think deep …
Yet another research (lazy to actually search for it) suggests that anticipation of an experience is even better than the experience it self. So it is even better when you draw out the preparations and the discussions. The before-glow and after glow (as you proved it) of an experience is most of the times better than the experience it self 🙂
I remember reading about that research someplace as well… I’ll dig that up and include it in a future article! Thanks for the pointing it out, Sweet — I love readers like you who give me reminders and ideas for future posts 🙂
Seeya around!
Great article and thank you!
You are most welcome, Vibha! Glad you like the article.
Very well-timed post! Our family is in a much earlier stage than yours (I’m almost 4 months pregnant with our first), but we are already thinking about ways to minimize our spending on “stuff” so we can maximize the time spent with our child.
I recently wrote a post:
http://www.thegrowinggreen.com/zero-dollar-baby/
It breaks down what Americans spend on their children and their stuff, and how much time we can free up just by curbing that spending habit.
I think the post is a nice compliment to yours- I really get into what we’re spending and why we don’t need to, and you take it a step further “Now that we’re not spending on “stuff”, how do we decide what we should splurge on”.
Thanks again Sumitha!
P.S. As an anecdotal story- we did give/receive Christmas and birthday gifts when I was a kid, and I used to make “treasure hunts” for my younger brother to find his gifts. He would follow clues and run all over the house trying to find the next clue and his present. To this day no one in the family remembers what the gifts he was searching for were, but we all remember the treasure hunts and how fun they were for everyone.
Hi Miss GG! Love your post and the breakup… especially the part where you point our how many hours we would have to work just to provide the extras for the baby. I never quite thought of it that way! Ugh, the number of hours I spent at work with my baby in daycare… 🙁 Thanks for sharing!
And I love your idea of a treasure hunt to look for the gift… a great way to turn a “possession” gift into a mini “experience” gift. I’ll definitely be trying that out with my daughter… she’s just about the age to enjoy a good treasure hunt too 🙂
Thanks for reading Sumitha!
As for the treasure hunt, they’re almost as much fun for the adults as the kids. We did one for my 10-year-old cousin over Christmas for a Zelda video game he was really excited about. All of the clues were Zelda-related and it made the gift that much more exciting for him.
I bet your daughter would love a Disney-princess-themed treasure hunt; it’s so neat to see them problem-solve and work through things on their own. It almost turns a regular old possession gift into a fun experience and a learning exercise as well!
As Shannon mentioned, as you get older, nothing can replace something like that. I just mentioned this to our daughter when we had dinner the other night–a party for her March birthday or a trip into New York. I like her little friends but parties, kids, planning–I also like Martha Stewart but am not her and don’t work like that!
There was also a recent article and poll that most parents felt that three gifts at Christmas was sufficient. I wish my husband and daughter were on board with the Zen thinking of less is more like I am. She gets her room cleaned out either before Christmas or before her birthday–what she doesn’t play with or want anymore gets donated. There is no spilling into a toy room or anywhere else in my home simply because I do not want the overflow.
The time spent together is cherished and remembered and then add in photos and you are enriching lives. I agree Sumitha, we dupe the technology as much as possible on vacation and I find I don’t miss it when we come back. A little more discipline for me to stay that way that doesn’t always work but small steps. : ) You have to think ahead and know that those are priceless times that cannot be replaced by anything.
Bernadette!!! So good to have you back… I missed your comments all these days 🙂
What did your daughter pick for her birthday, finally? Since she is a little older than my daughter, I suspect getting her to give up the party may not be as straight forward as it was for us! Whatever she chooses though, I think getting the conversation started, and getting kids to think about Experiences vs Stuff, is still a great start. Good luck!
Talking about Christmas gifts, I came across this article sometime after Christmas — http://bit.ly/1kmjBXW — I so wish I’d seen it earlier! We’ll definitely be putting together a box like this sometime this year – either her birthday or next Christmas perhaps. Check it out, I think you might like it. It’s a perfect way to introduce experience gifts to kids with them still feeling like they got a big present…
Thanks so much for the kind words Sumitha!
My daughter, so far, has chosen the party. She did like the ideas in the link you sent, thank you for that, I will definitely keep those in mind! I do think it’s a good idea for older children as well, they seem to gravitate to the electronics and less with the toys. I do believe a Disney trip may change her mind but that takes time. 🙂
Thanks for your kind words Sumitha! So far, my daughter has chosen the party. Yes, it gets harder to “persuade” them 😉 as they get older but I know she needs to make her own choices as well.
We both liked the ideas posted in the blog you linked to, thank you! I will definitely keep that in mind. Good ideas for older children, as they sadly tend to gravitate to the electronics and less to the toys.
You are so right, Bernadette — It is important that we let the kids make the choices and don’t just force our ideas on them… There’ll be more opportunities in the future to try out different experiences as she grows up… As long as we don’t give up trying, it’ll all eventually work out 🙂
Sorry for the similar but double posts–computer has been acting up. You can delete!
Bernadette, Sorry I somehow missed your last comment before… Anyway, the double commenting is not a problem, don’t worry. What is a problem however is I can’t find a “reply” link on your last comment, but I see it on other comments! These quirky technical/platform issues sometimes drives me nuts… I miss the old office environment where I could just walk up to the next cube and check with a colleague if they’ve seen anything similar, or pick up the phone and call the IT guys 🙂
As always, you are in my head Sumitha!!!
Lately, I’ve been pondering on the idea of eliminating toys and instead using that money to build things from scratch i.e instead of buying a doll bed, let’s cut our own wood and just make one from scratch! I think the experience of creating one definitely outweighs just buying it. Being that she is 2 years old, and an only child, I see that she doesn’t play with her toys unless someone plays them with her. So why keep accumulating unnecessary stuff when it’s not even being used? If I teach my daughter to be a creator, can you imagine how that will translate into her adult life? As opposed, to just buying her some much stuff? She would probably have an entitlement attitude without putting forth the effort to getting what she “thinks” she deserves.
I’m a minimalist and I hate shopping. However, I love to try new things, so this post confirms a value/seed that I choose to cultivate in my daughter.
Thank you for all your posts. We are definitely spiritually connected and your insight provides so much confirmation to things I think about all the time.
Peace and Blessings
Gosh Janel, you are my hero! I couldn’t build a bird house if I tried, let alone a doll house!!! This weekend for the first time I took my daughter to a Home Depot kid’s workshop and we both loved it! It was a very simple project (we made a desk calendar) and we still managed to nail it in a bit crooked and it almost didn’t come together 🙂 But the whole experience and the feeling of building something was priceless! I’ve always sucked at DIY, but I’ve resolved to take my daughter to as many of the Lowe’s/Home Depot workshops as possible so she doesn’t grow up like me (and who knows, I might even learn to DIY a few things without nailing my thumb to the project :)) Kudos to you for making this an integral part of your daughter’s upbringing!
Sumitha –
I don’t think you understand…I am the worst DIY person ever. However, I’m doing these things because I don’t want to impart my weaknesses onto my daughter. One thing I’ve learned about becoming a parent is that in order to expose your child to all the possiblities that they can become, the parents has to also step out of their comfort zone. My limitations shouldn’t be her limitations. I am the most artistically challenged person in the world, give me a math problem and I’m happy! However, my daughter might not like math and might love to be an artist. I truly don’t want to hold her back.
Ah, we’re so very similar then (except perhaps the “give me a math problem and I’m happy” part :)). It’s amazing that you are putting in so much effort into this! Do you live in the US? If so, check if your local home depot or lowes has kids workshops… I’ve found from personal experience and though reviews from friends that these are great for building up the DIY skills and confidence for both little ones and their mommies who aren’t DIY experts 🙂
Hi Sumi,
Long time … I have seen the FB post on your blogs but never found time to read them. But this topic caught my attention… I just stopped my work mid-way and read through this article… Excellent research and agree 100% of your article …
My husband follows similar rules as yours and says ‘do not buy stuff unnecessarily and convert your backyard into a junkyard :)’
Thanks to the idea of Disney cruise rather than birthday parties, and the idea of GG’s treasure hunt 🙂
Experience (spl memories) stays forever !!!
Rajjooo???!!! So nice to hear from you! How have you been?
Thanks for the compliments about the post 🙂 Experiences and memories really do stay with us for long, don’t they? Remember the good old days at Koges? I can still recollect some of the them like it was just a while ago… hard to believe that it’s been 15 years!!!
Hi sumitha,
Read all the messages in the comments column. Truly enriching article and even more enriching was the experiences shared by Shannon, miss GG and Janel.
I agree totally with the concept of experience vs stuff.
I would like to share a few experiences :
Long ago, my son ( he was 5 years old then) had participated in a drawing competition. The prizes were announced backwards I.e from consolation to 3 rd, then 2nd prize. And each prize had an article such as lunch box or water bottle etc. My son started growing impatient when his name was announced as First Prize and was handed over with an envelope containing a gift voucher ( a piece of paper ) for lunch/ dinner for 4 in a 3 * hotel. My son was so disappointed that he cried his heart out and said he didn’t want a first prize ever. But to make it memorable, all of us did have grand lunch and till this day tell that our five year old son gave us the treat.
Also during the crucial year of Board exams, we had one opportunity to take the African Safari and there – we didn’t think twice about bunking school. At the most, about 4 days of game drives and sighting of the big five but life long experience and fond memories of jokes and dialogues.
Yes, and as Ms Sweet said, the anticipation and preparation has it’s own charm and memories.
Thanks sumitha! for bringing back memories.
Hi Geeta! So nice to have you back… we missed you around here 🙂
Thanks for the kind words about the article. And I am truly grateful for the wonderful group of readers like you and the others here who share your stories and add so much value to each of these articles and make it so wonderfully multi-dimensional!
Awww…. I feel for your son! I can imagine from his perspective how totally insipid an envelope would have looked like, compared to all the other big prizes others got 🙂 Great idea to turn it into a treat from him though. My daughter is now the same age as he was then…. this gives me an idea that I should somehow set it up so she can treat us out for a dinner some day. I can imagine the kind of internal pride that can generate in her!
African Safari? That’s awesome! It’s one of the big things on my long list – African Safari, Kangaroos, Pyramids, Igloos, Russia, Tibet, Scaling Himalayas, Thailand, Deep sea diving…. I have no idea if/when we will go to all these places, but just thinking about it brings some sort of wistful joy 🙂
This is a wonderful idea! You all are so brilliant. I could only imagine the joy my daughter would have if she knew that her accomplishment blessed our family with dinner.
Confidence building is so critical at this age and I’m sure this would really make her feel proud.
Thanks for the idea Ladies!
Great idea! I agree, I love experiences. I like the idea of an “experience gift,” too. When my twins get older maybe we will try this. Thanks for sharing 🙂
Glad you liked it, @sparrow.
We took our daughter to a birthday party yesterday. While we were packing the gift for the birthday girl – a present that my daughter would have loved to have herself – we had some difficult (for her) conversations about her not receiving enough presents on her birthday last year. I tried to explain that the Cruise we went on was the present and it cost way more that a party/presents etc. On the way back from the party, my daughter started making plans for her next birthday party (which is at least 9 months away :)). I let her go off for a while and said, “So you’d rather have a party next year and not a vacation, huh?”. She was quiet for a while and asked “What kind of vacation can we have?”. I said, “Any kind. We’d have to think about it”. Quiet for some more time. “Can we go on a cruise again?” I answered “Maybe. Let’s talk about it to daddy.” A short silence and then a declaration – “I think I’ll have a vacation”. She may change her mind when it’s her birthday, but yesterday for a while there, she just made my day 🙂
Good luck with the twins! “Experience gifts” must be quite challenging with young twins, no?
Hi,
I really enjoy getting my 1percent emails each week. I love the idea of giving experiences. I wanted to suggest that for our family giving a birthday party is an experience. They are usually held in our home. My kids help prepare their cake, activities, theme, food, etc. While we do get some extra gifts the years we have a party, the party itself is remembered for a long time. We choose to do a party one year and family gathering the next. Also for my friends that spend their money on giving a child’s birthday at a local fun center or gym, they too are giving an experience. I guess in the future to make it even more experience oriented and not gift oriented we can request no gift or donating to a cause in lieu of a gift or something to that effect. According to Gary Chapman gift giving can be a powerful love language for some people.
My take away from the article was to enjoy our experiences and cater them to each child. I especially love the timing of this article with Christmas around the corner and finances feeling tight. It helped me think of traditions I need to let go of and other traditions I need to grow. As always it’s a pleasure to learn and grow together as we share our ideas with one another.