Does it bother you when somebody judges you?
I am an unmarried mom.
No, not a single mom, but an intentionally unmarried mom. In a committed relationship with the father of my 2.5 year old daughter for the past 11 years.
While many of my friends are happy for my happiness and have accepted my choice (whether they agree with it or not), every so often, I stumble into people who just cannot mask their disbelief (and often disdain) at the path we’ve chosen.
While I don’t easily get fazed by judgemental people, when someone assumes a moral high ground, it makes me wonder. Am I missing something? Is a traditionally married mother better than an unmarried one?
We have come a long way from branding the letter “A” on an unwed mother’s forehead, and yet, the only socially “acceptable” way to bear children is with a ring on mom’s finger.
Discrimination against unmarried mothers is just one example of why it’s time for a tune-up of our moral compasses. Whether it’s race, religion, sex, money, or education, our beliefs are often out-of-touch with today’s world.
If we’re to raise kind, compassionate kids into moral, empathetic adults, we need to separate judgement from morality.
There’s right and wrong, of course. The basic ten commandments, in whatever dish you prefer them served. Thou shalt not lie, cheat, steal, or harm (well, that’s the condensed version).
But judgement is often hidden under a veil of morality.
The unmarried mom, the breastfeeding preschooler, the attachment parent, the unschooler. In today’s world of 24-hour news channels and instant status updates from friends around the world, is it really our place to judge anymore?
We see lifestyles and events we never would have been exposed to before technology took over, and when the ideas go against our beliefs, attack is too often the first line of the defense.
Technology has brought judgement to the forefront of our collective conscience, in the form of social media shaming, internet trolls, and opinion-based journalism. Judgement is our instinctive response to anything that is different from what we’re used to.
Of course, it’s natural to judge people. It’s instinctive, ingrained in the human species to be wary of people who don’t look the same. Even babies prefer similar looking company.
Let’s explore the grey area between right and wrong, where morals often become judgement, and conformity is our “safe place.”
Morality and Judgment are Having an Affair.
Everyone does it.
We judge people, ideas, and actions based on what we were taught by our family. While you might buck the status-quo of your family, deep down, you and your family’s beliefs about what’s right and wrong are likely similar.
My parents valued respect over success. Both are intensely moral people – the ones who count the cashier’s change to ensure the cashier isn’t shortchanged. The people who always put employees before profits. They value respect, hard work, and on-going education (likely in that order).
So do I, though my methods may vary. My basic moral code looks very similar to my parents.
But it’s not just how your mom (& dad) raised you. Morals are rooted in genetics. Yale psychologist Paul Bloom’s research shows that babies are born with basic moral codes. Empathy and compassion, just like suspicion and judgement, are ingrained in us, as a species, and transferred genetically.
A perfect example of genetic morality is the Compassion Test, conducted with children as young as 3 months old. Offered a choice between two toys (one toy that was seen being “nice” and another that was “mean”) children overwhelmingly chose the kinder toy. Kids want to do the right thing.
But that’s not the end of the (moral) story. Professor Bloom, and others, explain that our brains are not wired for “modern morality,” which includes the outrageous number of decisions we must make every day. The challenges of modern-day life – an endless parade of people, choices, and events – have made some people doggedly cling to morals that may be outdated, unfounded, or just plain wrong, because humans crave like-minded community.
We judge what’s different because familiarity is safe. People want to be around those who agree with them. The definition of “moral” is “concerned with the principles or rules of right conduct or the distinction between right and wrong: ethical.”
Judgement is often nothing more than our interpretation of the moral rules of conduct. So, who wrote all the “rules” I’m supposedly breaking by staying unmarried?
History wrote the rules. Religious leaders, community leaders, and grassroots movements shaped, and altered, our communities. That’s why it’s so important we stop and ask, “Did I even agree with these past leaders? With their beliefs, judgements, and moral codes?”
Chances are, the answer will be “no”, just as often as “yes”.
If a community judges those who act differently, and a community is defined by its leaders (who are defined by their beliefs, and often religion) shouldn’t we be asking a few more questions about the members of the community who are driving the Judgement Train?
Whew. That was heavy. What I’m saying is this: are we teaching our children antiquated versions of right and wrong? Is it time to get off the Judgement Train?
I’m a work in progress, but here are 5 things that I’m trying in my family to make sure my child won’t grow up to be a judgmental person –
#1 Avoid Saying “It’s Wrong” When You Mean “I Disagree”.
Your child mentions that a friend in school stays up quite late, when your child is tucked into bed (mostly) on schedule every night. Your instinct is to react negatively and assume they’re up watching TV or playing video games. After all, the importance of night sleep is well researched and documented. Those parents should know better, you want to say.
Except…in many cultures, a late bedtime is expected – even encouraged – as a way to enjoy family time. Dinners are late, and bedtimes are later, but these kids are happy, healthy, and thriving.
Anytime you’re confronted with an issue that pushes the envelope for your value system, ask yourself, is it “wrong”, or do you just disagree?
#2 Avoid Saying “It’s Right” When You Mean “It’s Socially Acceptable.”
Simply put, we learn how to judge by the people who judged us. Growing up, you were tested and taught by your caregivers, teachers, and neighbors. Breastfeeding for up to about one year is right…longer and people start to judge. Why? Because full-term breastfeeding is not common (aka socially acceptable) in the westernized culture.
Another great example is the Cinderella waist-shaming incident, where being skinny is (almost) as bad as being fat. Socially acceptable is a culture’s way of cultivating conformity.
#3 Avoid Saying “It’s Bad” When You Mean “It’s New and I’ve Not Wrapped my Brain Around it Yet.”
I let my daughter sleep on the floor for the first two years of her life. In the United States, I may as well have put her outside to sleep in the doghouse…few people just could understand why I would deprive my child of a crib. The reason? Her room was a safe environment that promoted independence and exploration. A classic Montessori-style nursery.
Unfortunately, it’s a novel concept to most people, and they refused to consider the valid points of a floor bed. You could see them trying to hide their shock and shaking their heads at my “crazy talk”.
New doesn’t have to mean bad.
#4 Before Offering Your Opinion, Ask Yourself if It’s Really Your Opinion.
Community beliefs are ingrained and deep. Search out examples for your children where communities believe the opposite and talk about the differences.
- In Japan, I could be accused of child neglect for placing my sleeping baby in her own room. United States culture discourages children sleeping in the same room as parents.
- In Sweden, if I turned the car seat forward facing when my daughter turned 1 year old, I could be arrested. In the United States, people ask me daily why my daughter is still rear facing.
These are examples of community judgement disguised as morality. This often becomes righteous anger, which may be yet another type of addiction. As parents, it’s vital we understand the difference.
Even better: Don’t offer your child opinions. State what you agree/don’t agree with and give them the freedom to make up their own mind on the issue.
#5 Foster Free Play in Your Children
Studies show
free play leads to more compassionate, moral kids. The benefits of free play are numerous and varied.
You’ll often find my daughter engaged in free play. Pom-poms become sorting pieces, rockets, or balls, depending on her mood. Open-ended toys, like wooden blocks, are great ways to encourage free play. Step back and let your kid be a kid.
Educational advancement (especially in science and math), problem-solving, kindness, compassion, and empathy are just a few of the side benefits of allowing your children the freedom to play.
Our Children’s Future Depends On It
Raising kids with strong concepts of right and wrong is one of the biggest parenting goals. That’s how we raise kind, compassionate children into like-minded adults. I want my daughter to stand up and fight for the (deserving) underdog. I want her to know that, at the end of the day, what matters most is how you treat each and every person who crosses your path.
Helping our kids reject judgement, and embrace tolerance, requires redefining what matters to us, in the present, and for the future. It’s about finding a balance between awareness and conformity, that suits your family’s individuals needs and lifestyle.
The 2-Minute Action Plan for Fine Parents
For our quick contemplation questions today, let’s assume your kids walked up to you right now and asked you a difficult question (go ahead, pick one that clashes with your long-held belief system – unwed mothers, same sex marriage, atheism, unschooling – or anything else that rankles you)
- How would you answer the question?
- Is the discussion really based on what is right or wrong? Or is it a judgement based on moral high ground?
- Should we even be raising these questions, or should we just quietly accept the existing social norms?
- Did reading this article make you a bit uncomfortable? Does questioning what is right and wrong inherently feel wrong in the first place?
As always, there is no one correct way to answer these questions. Their goal is to help you figure out where you are and get a better sense for where you want to be.
The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents
Over the course of the next week, make an intentional effort to get off the Judgement Train. Ask yourself what really matters – to you. Not your family, your community, your partner – but to you. The judgements you make will surface in the next generation, whether you know it or not.
Lead by example. Whether you believe that marriage is necessary is or not, don’t raise your eyebrows when you hear a co-worker is pregnant, and unwed. Talk to your kids about the grey areas between right, wrong, and judgement.
Above all, try to be careful about voicing your judgements. Only then can you help your child develop their own sense of what right and wrong really means.
Awesome article and essential skills to master (non-judgmental attitudes and approaches to life) for the sake of our children, the future, the planet! Thank you!
Thank you for the kind words, and glad you enjoyed!
Can’t agree with you more, Kerese! Trying to be non-judgemental is a lot easier said than done, but definitely something more than worth striving for. Glad the article resonated with you.
Brilliant article Ashley! I love your insight into what it is to be judgmental and how it is actually unconsciously taught by parents to their children or even by society and cultures to children. A great article to make us think about the ‘big picture’ of raising nonjudgmental, compassionate kids.
Thanks, Anna! It’s a difficult subject to tackle simply because our instinct to judge comes from so many different sources….tracking them all down is next to impossible. From our bodies to marketing companies, I find it’s very easy to lose sight of what’s actually important to me, and my family. Thanks for reading!
Glad you liked the article, Anna! I love Ahsley’s argument about judgement and morality getting so tangled up, and how most of the time we don’t even realize where it all comes from. It gave a lot of food for thought for me, and so happy to hear that you found it thought-provoking too!
I think #4 is the most challenging for me. Sometimes it’s hard to know what ideas you hold that you are not even aware of! I struggled for the first 2 months of my daughter’s life to let go of an unconscious judgment I had about breastfeeding! Once I was able to come to terms with it, life was so much easier.
Amy,
Thanks for sharing your experiences. My judgements related to the topic of breastfeeding changed greatly once I became a mother. Walk a mile in someone else’s shoes, and all that jazz! 🙂
Sometimes it’s hard to know what ideas you hold that you are not even aware of — that’s so true, Amy. I think that is what makes this whole thing so complex… I remember instances of saying something that I thought were an utterly natural thing and then the look on the face of the other person made me realize how stuck up I was. Not my proudest moments, but you just have to be open to ideas, learn and grow, I suppose…
Wow! Can relate to many of these…Parenthood does really challenge your beliefs, as well as exposing you to the judgements of anyone who feels entitled to air an opinion.:) It’s hard when you research what’s best for your child and it happens to shock a large percentage of the people you know. From extended breastfeeding, to, “thanks, but I like non-toxic toys,” and “we had her at home–unattended,” to, “we’re homeschooling/unschooling,” there have been some amazing reactions. It gives good perspective.
Great article… As my 14 year old asks questions about faith and life in general that I don’t have ready answers to, the instinct is to fall back on long held beliefs… But the challenge, which I’m trying to embrace, is to look at these questions with a clear set of eyes, and approach it in a manner that isn’t typical and often judgemental, but open to possibilities. I’m getting to see things different too 🙂
Well said, Sabiha!
I agree, Sabiha! I think in the context of faith and religion, it is particularly hard because a lot of the time you don’t have solid proof to refer to and you have to fall back on long held beliefs and teachings. That said, I love the approach you mentioned – embrace what you believe in, question things with clear eyes and approach in a non-judgemental manner open to possibilities. Hopefully with this approach we can absorb the essence and the reason for most of the beliefs in the context of modern times and still stay true to what faith/religion teaches us.
This is one of the many wonderful things I am learning from your mom and am so grateful for 🙂
Thanks for this. I work very hard at being non-judgemental, and this article gave me a way to delve even deeper into my own personal exploration of why I feel the way I do. I get judged all the time because of my faith, so I understand how frustrating it can be!
Love what you said, Sharon. One of my goals with the wonderful writer community that we’ve built up here at A Fine Parent is to be able to publish work that can make me, and our reader community as a whole, delve deeper and grasp things better. I’m so glad to hear this article did that for you in your personal exploration of the topic!
Ashley, you just nailed it. My husband is white, I’m black and our adopted son is white. He is a minister and so you can imagine the judgement there- “you got a child with another woman…….”
Wow – I can’t imagine how tough that must be, Ann. So glad you don’t let it chafe on you and are always so friendly and nice 🙂
Ann,
Your story continues to unfold! Wow…your family dynamic and husband’s calling must be a difficult mix, sometimes. Your strength, compassion, and non-judgemental ways really are an inspiration. Thank you, as always, for being you! 🙂
Great article. Unfortunatelly we “learn” to be judgmental and it become a vicious circle. It is time to stop, think and act and not react like robots. Great insight. Tks for sharing!
Cida,
Yes, yes, and yes! Thank you 🙂
So much wisdom in this article Ashley. We’ve all been conditioned by our environment, parents, teachers and for many of us we’re now working on un-conditioning ourselves from beliefs (and judgements) that don’t serve us well!
I think the first step is willingness.
Being willing to see life through new eyes, being willing to be open to new and different concepts and fresh ideas. And giving our children the gift of being willing to be wrong and able to apologize. Don’t see too much of that in households!
Personal development is, for me, a huge part of being the best parent we can be.
Elle
xoxo
Personal development is, for me, a huge part of being the best parent we can be. — I couldn’t have said it better myself, Elle. That is the core philosophy of this site!
And I agree, more than anything else, when it comes to raising kids who are non-judgemental, the willingness to look at our own hidden beliefs and preconceived notions is usually the first step!
Yes, I am a constant work in progress, that’s for sure! 🙂 I try to remember that every day, but also embrace the learning process.
Thanks for your insightful comments, Elle.
Wow Ashley! Such an indepth post. I’m not going to make any moral judgments on the content, only to say spot on!
Thanks, Mark!! 🙂
Thanks for a great post Ashley! My Mum used to say “everybody thinks that their family is the only normal one”. I’m a vegan and my kids are not – I will from now on file it under “letting them make up their own minds” instead of beating myself up about it.
This paints such a fantastic picture of life in a less judgemental culture Ashley! I love your points and #1 really shouts to me. We’ve been taught to fear and reject different views and approaches to life from day one. What we really mean is ‘Whoa, that’s not something I’ve ever experienced, best play it safe and deflect anything outside my comfort zone’ but what we actually say is ‘that is so wrong’. A really thought provoking post.
Ashley,
I’m 43 and still growing up, but as an adult, I have had to learn #s 1-4 on multiple occasions. Uggh.
ALL hard lessons.
MOST meant asking forgiveness.
I’ve eaten many an humble pie.
I’m a married, Christian mother who believes God’s Word is Truth and chooses to live by it. Through the years, especially online, that comes with heightened judgment (and quite a bit of rude emails) because I strive to live by my belief, which flies in the face of those who speak on behalf of Christians but don’t ACT as Christians.
For instance, choosing vile tempers and anger over love.
If we were to talk in person, I’d ask you more questions than I can here because I’m a curious person (Nosey Nelda?), in general.
But what I’d say here is that the government’s seal of approval on my marriage is not what makes my relationship to my husband a marriage. It’s irrelevant outside of filing taxes and buying a home.
From what you’ve written, and what I’ve read of your work elsewhere, you are in a committed relationship – that’s a marriage/bond of heart, mind and soul.
I don’t know your particular brand of reasoning for not marrying any more than you know mine for choosing to marry, but I wish you joy, love and happiness.
Hi,
Came accross your blog when I badly needed it. I have a 3.7 yr old boy in kindergarten and I’m raising him single handedly. the problems that I’m facing is that he dawdle a lot when it comes to practicing studies at home.
Also he shows great anger when any slight disagreement is shown to his demand and start throwing things n beating. His ownership attitude is worrying me, please guide
So glad you’ve joined our community, Rituparna. I’m glad you have found the shared wisdom here useful. Your son reminds me of my daughter at roughly the same age. She was a very strong willed child too and for us, the switch to positive parenting and positive discipline has made a huge difference. The change was not overnight nor was it smooth, but I am very happy that we stuck with it and we now enjoy a much more peaceful, connected, loving relationship. Here, here and here are some of the articles we’ve published on this topic. Also, I highly recommend both Dr. Laura Markham’s book and website. Other books I like are “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk” by Faber and Mazlish and “Raising Your Spirited Child” by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka.
It’s quite challenging to raise a strong-willed child, especially if you are doing it on your own. But the extra effort is totally worth it when you start seeing their full potential bloom. It can be quite demanding and at times a little stressful, so do build your support network and take time away periodically to rejuvenate. Good luck!
This article is everything. I endured the same judgement throughout my pregnancy and first 3 years of my daughter’s life. I always found it odd.
I really enjoyed reading this and appreciate that your advice us straight forward and actionable. I had no idea where to start on raising a non-judgemental daughter but your post has become a wonderful roadmap for this.
Thank you!
A bit confused on the timeline. You said you’ve been in a committed relationship for 2 years with the father of your 2.5 year old. What about that .5 of a year and pregnancy, How can he be the father then if it’s only been 2 years? Unless that other .5 of a year plus pregnancy was an uncommitted relationship.
And even then that means you had a kid with him like the day you met.
“In a committed relationship with the father of my 2.5 year old daughter for the past 11 years.”
Eleven years, not two. Though the II looks like 2! 😉
Thanks for reading and your input is appreciated.
This is a great article that really draws attention to a problem we have in our society.
When I was in college, I nannied a 4-year-old and 1-year-old. I would take them to the park, the zoo and to many fun places for little kiddos in the summer, but on some days, I had to take them to the mall just to walk around because the weather wasn’t nice but they needed an outlet. I couldn’t believe the stares I received at the mall. People looked at me as if I was the mother of these kids and gave me the nastiest stares. Sure, I was 15-years-old when the 4-year-old was born, but even if she was my child, that doesn’t give them the right to stare! I could have been an awesome mom, regardless of my age!
I couldn’t believe how hurt I felt by those stares, as if they were judging my character simply because I was a 19-year-old woman spending time with a 4-year-old and 1-year-old. From that day on, I’ve tried very hard to watch my facial expressions and really think about what message I’m conveying with my words and actions. I don’t know anyone’s story and I don’t have the right to say whether their story is “right” or not. It’s simply my duty to love and respect the choices of others and hope that they will do the same for me!
Emily,
Thanks so much for bringing this up! The judgement we pass along – so often unintentionally – is eye-opening when you’re on the other side of the fence.
Great point. Thanks for sharing.
You guys realize that you’re judging people for judging right? Honestly it sounds more like you people are afraid of people disagreeing with you. Grow up and realize that not everyone is going to like or believe in the things that you do. Another point, judgments are a good thing. They help you to do better. What if you didn’t judge a student because you didn’t want to hurt his feelings or whatever? CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is good but just being an a**hole isn’t. See what I mean? We SHOULD judge because we can help each other to become better people but we SHOULDN’T judge to bring others down.
I agree, I’ve been accused of being judgemental by an ex friend who is just being nasty when I express common sense. Some people have a lot of flaws but don’t want to change so being judgemental is a good comeback
Very good!