How would you describe your family – Strong? Or, Dysfunctional?
When shit hits the fan (and it will for every family at some point or the other), does everybody in your family put their heads together to find a solution, or do all of you lose your heads and run around like headless chicken?
Twenty years from now, during the holidays, will the kids be making excuses at work so they can spend more time at the family get together, or will they be making excuses to you about work so they can escape the get together?
What makes some families strong and close-knit while others are dysfunctional? How can we make sure our families are in the first category and not the second?
As it turns out, at the core, every strong, close-knit family has the same set of uncompromisable rules that holds them together. Dysfunctional ones on the other hand… well, you know how that goes. To quote Leo Tolstoy –
Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.
Before we can even start looking at these core rules however, we have to first tackle a very important question….
Who is responsible for implementing and enforcing these rules in your family?
It’s a little sad but true — no one seems to pay attention to this question these days.
Rewind about 2-3 years and our family was sliding quickly down the slippery slope of dysfunction.
“My family was a bit dysfunctional when I was a child… so, it goes without saying that my current family is dysfunctional too”, I’d say.
Wrong.
“Both my husband and I are very strong people and very stubborn. Is it any surprise things are sliding”, I’d quip.
Seriously?
“My daughter is so strong willed. She’s got the worst of both my husband and I. We’re so drained that we have absolutely no hopes of ever being the calm peaceful families that ‘others’ are. We’re just doomed to have power struggles all the time”, I’d lament.
Gag.
In retrospect it all sounds so lame. But the shift from whining and making excuses didn’t happen until it hit me one day – it was my job as the parent to determine how my family turns out.
Not the past. Not the partner. Not the circumstances. And definitely not the kids. You. As a parent, you determine whether your family is strong and close-knit or dysfunctional.
Whether you realize it or not, whether you accept it or not, whether you want it or not – it is your responsibility to lay down the rules that make your family what it is.
It doesn’t matter how busy you are (free up some time!). It doesn’t matter how capable you are (learn and grow!). It doesn’t matter if you signed up for it or not (it is what it is!). It doesn’t matter if you are the mom or the dad (don’t even get me started on this!). If you want a strong, close-knit family, you have to make it happen.
(Take a deep breath. Let it sink in. It’s some pretty heavy stuff.)
Here’s the good news. Once you own this fact and accept it, turning your family into a strong, close-knit one — the kind that legends are made of — is rather straight forward.
Not easy, but straight forward. Not a dash to the finish line, but a slow journey that you will take together and enjoy every moment of it with deep, deep satisfaction.
If you are ready for this journey, here is the first order of business as the newly crowned patriarch/matriarch of your family — implement these 3 uncompromisable rules.
Rule #1: Always Treat Each Other With Respect
Between you and your partner, between you and the kids, between the kids themselves — respect always comes first, and it’s non-negotiable.
Contrary to popular belief, just because you are a family, you won’t automatically love each other all the time. Heck, there will be times when you will outright hate each other’s guts. That’s OK. That’s normal. It’s even natural.
Love is an integral part of the family, and will grow slowly and steadily. But for day-to-day matters, if you rely on love to get your through, you may be asking for trouble.
When one of your kids snatches a toy from the other who really wants it back NOW, don’t expect love to come gushing in to save the moment.
When you tell your child over and over to quit fooling at the dinner table, but in the next second he sends a glass of milk shattering to the floor — I guarantee you, love isn’t what you are feeling at the moment.
When you are rushing your kid to an urgent care facility but your partner won’t pick up the call because of a busy day at work, love isn’t at the top of your mind.
In these situations, you need something far more basic to keep the situation from deteriorating further. An unbendable rule that you must treat each other with respect no matter what, makes it possible to hold your tongue and keep the peace. In the long run nothing is worse than a bunch of hasty words hurled in a moment of anger and frustration.
From this one simple rule, comes a whole bunch of corollaries –
“You don’t have to like each other, but you will not call each other names”
“You don’t have to agree with each other, but hurling insults is not an option”
“When someone makes a mistake, we help them fix it, instead of grinding their nose in it”
“We support each other no matter how angry we are”
“Your behavior right now is not acceptable and is driving me nuts, but I will always love you”
When the only option is to come at each other with respect… you negotiate, you look for solutions, you look for the brighter side and in the worst case, you agree to disagree. It helps create an environment of dignity. It lets kids (and grownups!) cultivate an innate sense of self worth. It builds a culture of cooperation. It makes home a safe place that you always want to come back to.
Rule #2: Talk More About Your Blessings than Your Problems
I am a big believer in being grateful for what you have. It wasn’t always like that, however. I know first hand what a devastating mess your life, and family, can be when you take things for granted and gripe about everything that’s lacking.
There is also research to show that teaching kids to be grateful helps them have better relationships with friends and family, improves their GPA, reduces their materialism, reduces feelings of envy and depression, and in general makes them more happy and satisfied with life.
In the context of a family, it is critical that we build this attitude of gratitude into the very fabric of our lives. Because no matter how simple or content you think you and your family is, you will always be faced with disappointments and setbacks. Insisting on talking more about your blessings rather than your problems, cultivates the habit of looking for the positives and in many cases, you’ll find ways to turn the said problems into blessings!
When you get called into your child’s school within the first month of starting Kindergarten, instead of looking at your kid as a problem child, you and the teachers agree that “she has a lot of leadership skills that she needs to learn to channel properly”.
When your husband won’t join you at social gatherings, instead of making excuses on his behalf (and feeling nasty about it), you learn to honestly and unapologetically say “He’s an introvert and takes his time with people”. And in the process, you start to genuinely appreciate the dignity with which he carries himself in public, and the respect he garners even from total strangers.
(True stories, by the way, in case you were wondering…)
The little corollaries that come out of this simple rule? Well, they are priceless –
“Don’t focus on the few traits in you kids/partner/siblings that drive you nuts, look at the positives instead!”
“Don’t worry that you/your partner/kids are not perfect, focus on how far you’ve come and how far you’ll go.”
“No complaining about the child’s other parent in front of the child.”
Actually make that, “No complaining about the child’s other parent. Period.”
Heck, let’s take it even further — “No complaining. Period.” and stick by it!
Can you imagine what this can do to our marriages? Even research acknowledges that having kids takes a toll on marital satisfaction. This rule is a surefire antidote to at least keeping some of the issues at check!
Rule #3: Our Family is a Democracy — Not a Dictatorship, Not an Anarchy
Discipline is always a sticky situation. If you’re too strict, you suffocate the kids. If you’re too lax, your kids will rule the roost. How can you find the perfect balance?
Research in the field of developmental psychology seems to have the answer. Based on how communicative, nurturing, controlling and demanding parents are, psychologists have classified parenting styles into 4 categories as shown below –
Let’s ignore the negligent style for the moment — whether you are committed to continuous growth and signed upfor weekly notifications of our articles, or you visit the site occasionally, it’s pretty much guaranteed that you are a good parent and don’t need to worry about being negligent.
Among the other styles,
Authoritarian parents are those who set the rules and expect the kids to follow without questioning or they are punished. They don’t feel it is necessary to explain the reasons for the rules and obedience is expected at all costs. The impact of this style of parenting is that children grow up lacking self-esteem and are generally unhappy. They may also be socially awkward. This is the legacy dictatorial style of the olden days that we want to avoid.
Permissive parents on the other hand are very attentive to children, but do not enforce any rules. They indulge the their kids demands and avoid confrontation at all costs. This results in children growing up with low self-control (read, bratty) who often get into trouble with authority and perform poorly in school. This is a classic case of anarchy at home where no one is happy.
Authoritative parents manage the balance well. They take a keen interest in the kids and are highly responsive, while at the same time maintain the parental authority and demand high standards. They have the highest chance of raising happy and successful children, with healthy level of self-esteem and social aptitude. This is the state of democracy in a family where everyone has a say, and is a law-abiding citizen who respects the rights and dignity of the others, and the rule of law prevails.
If you really want to build a strong, close-knit family, as a parent, you have to strive to be an authoritative parent. Instead of constantly nagging the kids, you must strive to develop in them a sense of personal responsibility and intrinsic motivation. Kids on their part must know that they are free to do what they wish, as long as they play within the limits considered acceptable by the family. There should be just and consistent consequences for rule breaking, with the focus being on growth and learning instead of punishment. Discipline should be taken seriously and handled with kindness and responsibility.
As you can see, all the 3 rules are rather straight forward. All that is required is commitment from you as a parent to find ways to consistently implement it in your family so that they become the norm. Like great parents, strong close-knit families are made, and don’t just happen!
The 2-Minute Action Plan for Fine Parents
Now it’s time to spend a couple of minutes to answer a few questions honestly –
- Where does your family stand right now in terms of how much you support, respect and stand up for each other – in good times and trying situations?
- Suppose you are heading out on a road trip as a family and your car breaks down… will you all end up complaining and depressed, or will you find a way to make the best of the situation?
- What is your parenting style? How about your partner’s? If they are far apart, how can you sync them up, so you can both move towards a kinder, more supportive but firm authoritative style?
As always, there are no right or wrong answers. The intent of these questions is to get you thinking about what you just read in the context of your family and find ways to adapt this to suit your situation. I find writing things down helps me think better and makes me more accountable… so I encourage you to leave a comment below with your answers.
The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents
Pick one of the rules that you apply most of the time, but not always, and commit to implementing it in your family this week consistently and without compromise. It takes a while to find a way to match the rule to your family so it is accepted by everyone and is followed without the need to enforce. Your job as a parent is to be there with regular reminders in case someone forgets. Slowly over the course of the next few weeks, try implementing the other rules, tackling the hardest one last, so you can fuel your future attempts by the glow of your past successes.
FYI, I think (hope?) your authoritative & authoritarian paragraphs are switched. The graphic seems like authoritarian is the way to go. Thanks & keep up the great work!
I’d messed up the graphic, Jeremy… The names of the parenting styles are already quite confusing, and to think that I added to the confusion by messing up the graphic 🙁 Thank you so much for bringing it to my attention so early in the day…. I have fixed it now. I really, really appreciate it!
Names aside, the way to go is to hold kids to high standards, and then being both very proactive and responsive in helping them figure out how to live up to those standards. I’m sure you know that already, though 🙂
As a child from a VERY dysfunctional family of origin, thank you thank you thank you for this awesome post! You’ve perfectly encapsulated in the first point the downward spiral that keeps us mired in bad behavior and continuing the cycle.
Thanks for your kind words, Haji. From your blog posts, I’m very impressed by your sincere effort to provide your son a loving family, in spite of the circumstances you were raised in. It’s a hard thing to do and I personally think you are doing a great job. Twenty years from now, I bet your son can’t wait for the holidays each year so he can bring *his* family over to spend time with you… Good luck! Make it happen!
Hi sumitha,
Well done again. All that has been written is easier said than done, especially in modern times. I believe that marriages, children and social behavior, to great extent, is already determined at the time of our birth and with regard to our past deeds. (Pl. excuse me- I am not a blind believer about astrology or destiny or superstition etc. etc. ). But experiences and observations show that nobody works to raise a dysfunctional family. All parents at all times only work towards their common goal of raising happy and healthy bright children. But there are a number of factors other than the ones you have mentioned, for a good family to become dysfunctional. Like you said, there is no right or wrong way. But to belong to a family which respects each other adheres to the authority , follows the rules and at the same time raise a family with the same qualities generation after generation, one really needs a power above human efforts.
Thanks for the thoughtful (and thought provoking) comment (again), Geeta!
I believe in destiny to a certain extent too… except I feel it’s not rigid. Not sure if you are a software person, but since that’s my background, let me use that to share how I think about this 🙂 I believe we are all handed a life that is like a software program, but it’s not a simple one with just one line following directly to the next one… instead it is rich, complex program filled with switch-case statements, if-else clauses and loops. At any point in life, we are faced with a choice – if we make one choice we go down one path and other choices lead to other paths (including getting stuck in loops). And if we don’t choose intentionally, we land in the default case which at best is a life of mediocrity and at worst is a dysfunctional life.
A lot of things make more sense when I think of it this way than the purely simple “it’s pre-destined and that’s why something happened the way it did” mindset. Think of Gita for instance – if it is all completely pre-destined and pre-scripted, then all Gita is, is a story. But we know it’s so much more! What (my limited knowledge of) Gita shows is that you are put in a situation – that is your destiny at the moment (either because of karma, or prior choices, etc.) And sometimes you are given divine/spiritual guidance. In the end it is up to you to decide what choices you make. And that determines the course the rest of your life takes (and inadvertently has a huge impact on those around you).
From that sense, as parents, we do have control over whether we raise strong, close-knit families or dysfunctional ones. *Irrespective of circumstances*. The only way destiny leads to a dysfunctional life (or family), is if you stick with the default choices with no attempt to see what happens if you take one of the alternate paths.
What do you think? Makes sense? Crazy rant? 🙂
Hi Sumitha,
First I would want to appreciate your quick response as always.
Secondly, though I do not totally disagree with any of your views, I would want to emphasise that life and making choices is not as simple as the complex of most complicated flow charts and computer programs. Sometimes the loop gets entangled. There is always a third angle, which man may never be able to analyse. Also apart from the ‘choice making’ by an individual, who is one of the parents, there are varied external forces that operate in real life. For eg. In- laws, parents, financial disparity- wife from rich family and husband from not so rich family and vice versa, unmarried/ widowed/ divorced sister- in- law, extra marital affairs. Etc. Etc.
And then for all that we know, the default inactiveness of one parent may be at the root to help a family from becoming dysfunctional.
As regards, 20 years hence, a lot depends on luck of the people involved at that point of time. Nothing is predictable.
As regards The Gita, I am a devotee of Iskcon. Again to even be oriented towards a mentor/ spiritual guru, one needs to blessed for.
I have seen good families become dysfunctional that too after 20-25-30 years of being good parents and bringing up children well, due to alcoholism, extra marital affairs and even due to one parent being too much into spituality / temples/ satsangs/ bhajans etc.
We can go on and on, on this topic without any productive end result.
Will wait and see for more comments.
Geeta, Thanks for such a well thought out response. Yes, indeed, there will always be external influences we can’t control. And I totally agree that we can’t predict how things will turn out 20 years from now. The point I am trying to make is that we should take ownership of what we *can* control and choose our actions intentionally in spite of the external influences and future unpredictability. You are right — in spite of our best efforts, we cannot guarantee that the family will not end up dysfunctional, but we should spare no effort to make sure we lay the foundation for a strong, close-knit family. Right?
Right.
Hi Sumitha,
A great article again. So nice to see your wonderful and sensible responses to the comments.
The most powerful lines of your article –
“Not the past. Not the partner. Not the circumstances. And definitely not the kids. You. As a parent, you determine whether your family is strong and close-knit or dysfunctional.” ….are very true. Your interpretation of The Gita is awesome…really “wow”.
Your ‘Rule #2: Talk More About Your Blessings than Your Problems’ is a magical rule from my experiences too…especially when we moved back to India. This is just like my grandmother’s saying in Kannada – “thuppa illa antha altha iddavru obbaru…inyaro uppae illa antha altha iddru”! A retrospection into what we already have puts things in perspective.
Thanks for your encouraging words, Aparna! When I was reading your comment about what your grandmother used to say, it reminded me of another one which is very apt for this situation as well — “Kainalli benne itkondu thuppa illa antha oorella suttadidranthe…”. There is so much wisdom in so many of these old saying, right? As I get older, they seem to make more and more sense 🙂
P.S.: Is this Aparna from MIGHS/DVS?
Hey Sumitha,
Yes, this is Aparna from MIGHS and DVS :). After I posted the comment I realized that I should have mentioned about this…but then I was getting ready for a conference call and could not add another comment. More later on FB.
Great job, Sumitha. I really love reading your articles and have been showing it to my parents when I visit them…they (including me) have always had great admiration for you …as a great student at school and college and now a great achiever with exceptional thinking!:)
I was kinda sure it was you because of the Kannada sayings — just wanted to confirm. Thanks again for the encouraging words… sometimes I wonder what it will be like to bump into Mariamma Miss or Parthasarthy Sir (or my prof here) and tell them that I put all that studying and degrees on the shelf and decided to take a “break”. Oh well, it is what it is… 🙂
As usual, another great post. While I was already aware of some of your ideas, it was the implementation that I found particularly useful. I will definitely be using some of your phrases as the girls get older. Cheers!
Thanks, Shannon! Like we were discussing on your blog last week, even for me, the biggest issue is that a lot of these make so much sense in theory, but when when “real” life hits you, a lot of these fly out the window…. pffffffft…. trying to somehow bridge that gap between theory and reality….. someday… someday… 🙂
I love the parenting style graphic. But reading those sample quotes makes me wonder “who, in their right mind, says things like that???”.
A few questions –
1. Do some parents aspire to the non-authoritative types or do they simply fall into them?
2. I’m curious if there are other quotes one could apply to those parenting styles that aren’t so negative.
You’re probably right, Matt. None of us would probably say those words. But they are indicative of our attitudes. Of what we believe and what guides our choices when we handle “situations”.
For instance, I am a recovering “authoritarian” parent that is trying to be an “authoritative” parent. My daughter and I were at the park today with some friends, and there is a creek flowing close by. There have been times in the past when she and I have walked to the creek and I’ve let her get her feet wet. Since we were with several kids today, I felt it wasn’t a safe thing to do. So I told her that we would play only in the park, but not go to the water. And of course she was disappointed and started to ask over and over if she could go to the water. My knee-jerk reaction was “Quit whining. I told you already we are not going into the water”. Another parent who was with me responded with “It was chilly all day today, the water might be cold. Let’s not get in the water today”. My attitude (sadly) was authoritarian (“No water today, because I say so!”). Her’s was authoritative (“I’ll tell you my reason, and then, we’ll figure out something together”). That’s the difference.
The problem with demonizing “authoritarian” and promoting “authoritative” is this: very often, when you give a child a reason for your decision, they will argue it. In the example given above, my children would say “No, the water is not chilly. It won’t bother me.” If I give the reason that I have several children to watch, so I think it’s not safe today, I will get, “It’s safe. I can watch the kids.” This happens without fail. Children do not actually put reason above will – that is why they are the children and we are the adults. And that is why “because I said so!” is a perfectly appropriate response, because it ends arguing and negotiating. We can give our children the reasons for our decisions if we want to begin training them to think critically – that’s wonderful and necessary – but we have to decide when our children can handle the reasons and when they can’t, when they will accept the reasons and when they will reject the reasons and use the reasons as fodder for their own arguments to follow their will. In other words, a parent does not owe his child a reason, and cooperation should not hinge upon whether the child agrees that the reason is acceptable to him. Lastly, the family should never be a democracy! Letting children think that they have an equal place in the hierarchy is completely dishonest, something the child will figure out soon enough and then trust is destroyed. With older children, one can begin to move into making agreements and accepting input from the child, but the parent always must have the final say. I have seen these parent type descriptions before and it is simply false to assert that authoritarian parents are always low on understanding, kindness, or nurturing by definition. I realize that the label “authoritative” is supposed to combine the leadership of authoritarian with the nurturing of permissive in order to come up with THE ONE AND ONLY desired parental style category – authoritarian – but something rings false about it. Some children do not want to be a team player with their parents – they want what they want and they want it now. If you don’t mind relentlessly justifying your parental decisions to your children in the hopes that they will eventually agree with you, then go ahead. They may eventually, as in, about 20 years from now.
I have fallen in the authority of parent because my husband is falls into the neglect. He won’t make a decision / give input . I mostly feel like a single parepare. I feel like he’s the good guy because he always says yes to my daughter ,instead of thinking about the consequences . Often I’m the bad guy because I enforce the rules and say No. Because of this my daughter favors my husband . I get tired of being the bad guy all the time, and it is hurtful. My husband is also a complainer Now my daughter constantly complains.I get tired and depressed from all the complaining. I tell her if she’s going to complain to go to her room I don’t want to hear it. However there are times we are out in public and there is no room. Thank you for your help.
Nice Post. Thanks for sharing
Yup..parents were abusive towards me and my siblings.
that caused me to become dysfunctional…i didnt get no love from anyone. where we all had roles to play I was the scapegoat . there was a prompt communication on my wrongs and mistakes but not my good deeds. Even I had come across few of post related the same. I had come across similar kind of information loved the way the shared and your post.
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/dont-talk-dont-trust-dont-feel/
https://www.momjunction.com/articles/harsh-reasons-of-dysfunctional-family-relationships_00407860/