Close your eyes and focus on the darkness for a minute….
Please, seriously, just try it… what you’ll gain from this little exercise is well worth feeling silly for a bit.
For many people in this world, that is the daily reality. Every minute. Every day.
If one of them were to stop by and offer you a million dollars for your eyes, for your ability to continue reading, for your ability to see this world and watch your kids grow up… would you?
And yet, have you ever really appreciated your ability to see?
The Entitlement Trap and the Attitude of Gratitude
Like many of you, I’ve always felt jaded about sayings like “count your blessings” or “be thankful for what you have” and so on. When I heard or read that I should be thankful for my ability to see or walk or whatever, I mentally rolled my eyes.
I took everything I had for granted. Worse, I felt cheated when I didn’t get more of what I wanted. Even though I have a wonderful child, I felt sad about my inability to have a second one. Even though I’m married to a really nice guy, I nagged him constantly about what he was not. Even though I had a great job, I hated almost every minute of it.
I hadn’t quite realized it then, but I had defaulted to a person who was constantly unhappy about what I didn’t have instead of being happy about what I did.
And then serendipity brought me to the blog Money Saving Mom. At the outset, the blog is about saving money. And that’s how I found it in the first place. My daughter was just born and I desperately needed diaper deals. So, I found a whole bunch of “deal blogs” and this was one of them.
As my daughter grew older and diaper deals were not relevant to me anymore though, I dropped the other deal blogs. But somehow continued to read Money Saving Mom. There was something different about this blog and its founder Crystal Paine.
Crystal is a devout Christian and writes often about gratitude and grace and such. And even though I am agnostic, I was attracted to how her faith was bringing her happiness and making her a calm, very likeable person (even though I didn’t know her at all!).
Around the same time, during a conversation with some friends, the topic of prayers came up. One of my friends, the one I least expected, admitted that she says a prayer every night before going to bed. She said it was a “habit” that her parents got her into while she grew up, and it gives her a lot of peace, so she still continues it to this day.
I was going through a very rough season in my life then and often felt lost and confused. One night on a whim, influenced by Crystal’s insistence that being grateful makes your life much better and my friend’s admission that saying a prayer brings her peace, I said a prayer for my daughter as I put her into bed. She must have been around 2 years old then. During the next few nights I found myself repeating the prayer. It calmed me down and went something like this – “Thank you Lord for the wonderful life we have. Please bless us with health, happiness and peace. Amen.”
That prayer has stuck with us since! My daughter is 5 now. The prayer has been a part of our daily nighttime routine for over 3 years! Most of the time these days, my daughter is the one saying it. After the first two lines as above she tacks on a custom list of things that she is thankful for that day. Her list always has mama, dada and some of her favorite stuffed toys, followed by a rather long list of all the fun things she did that day.
Sometimes, I am preoccupied and the moment passes as rote routine. But often, I get pulled into her prayer. The sound of her voice grounds me and helps me appreciate what a wonderful life we do indeed have. It brings me a deep level of peace and calmness. Without a doubt, it has been the spark that has triggered a host of other changes that have transformed my life!
(Note: Normally, these days when I write a post, I try to include science-based evidence to ensure that this site does not deteriorate into a one of those hokum-advice self-help sites… you (and I) deserve better! Today’s article however, is a very personal one for me – so I am going to refer you to Jeremy Dean’s blog, a resource I use regularly, for evidence that gratitude can increase happiness and go with the personal nature of this post.)
Why Cultivate the Attitude of Gratitude
I’m not sure if this is true for everyone, but I’ve personally found that cultivating an attitude of gratitude isn’t actually easy. Even to this day, many times I find that my first reaction is to whine about something that went wrong or is lacking, instead of feeling happy about what is right or what is already present. Sadly, it’s something I notice in my daughter as well. So, I’m making a conscious attempt to be more grateful. Some specific places where I try to apply gratitude are –
- Dealing with disappointment: For example, I’d always wanted to have two kids. It wasn’t in the cards for us. Even though I’ve kinda made my peace with it, I still find myself feeling a sense of disappointment and envy when I see/meet people with two kids. At these times, I try to remind myself how lucky I am to have one in the first place. I hang on to the words of Jennifer Gresham who struggled with this as well and put it so eloquently – “I won the lottery once. Who am I to complain I can’t win a second time?”
- Dealing with criticism: When someone criticises me, I find it hard to accept. In particular when the criticism comes from my mother-in-law 🙂 But my MIL is a smart lady, with a lot of difficult life experience, that she has learnt from. And most often, when she criticises the way I do things, she does have a point. Trying to feel thankful for having her as my MIL and the opportunity for growth that she provides has helped a lot in smoothing our relationship. We are still not the best of friends…. someday in the near future, maybe?
- Dealing with personal imperfections: I just so, so, so hate that I am so imperfect. After years of beating myself up about it though, I’ve decided to focus on trying to acknowledge my positive points and focus on changing some of the negative ones. Deciding to quit my job to start this blog and sharing some of my personal struggles publicly has taken a LOT of courage. When I start to get irritated with something that I should be, but am not, I remind myself about this courage and tell myself that if I could do this, with a little more time and effort, i can do other things as well.
- Dealing with imperfections in others: Yes, I’m one of those people that expects other people to be perfect as well. And then when they are not, I whine, nag or get all judgemental. It has really taken a hit on my relationship with some of the people closest to me. I want to remember all the good things about them and not focus on their imperfections, but in the heat of the moment it’s so much easier to blame and nag. Consciously trying to adopt an attitude of gratitude has been a huge help in holding my tongue and turning things around.
- Dealing with problems: This one is something that I’m finding a lot easier to apply the gratitude attitude towards! Crazy as it sounds, I find a weird paradoxical sense of liberation when I thank my lucky stars that I have a certain problem. Somehow, it seems to make it easier, and actually inspiring to go tackle the problem instead of worrying about it.
Ways to Cultivate the Attitude of Gratitude
To me it all started quite by accident with a prayer. Literally. But it may not be for everyone. Here is a list of some of the ways I have found to intentionally cultivate the attitude of gratitude.
- Gratitude prayer: This can be something from the scriptures of the religion you believe in, or something you make up. Something short or long. Something constant, or you make up each day. Try different things and see what works for you. For us, a short, fixed, made-up prayer with a flexible, tack-on extension each day is working beautifully 🙂
- Gratitude journal: Kind of like a diary, but you make a conscious attempt to recount all the things that went right and not whine about things that are going wrong. You can pick any platform you like – the traditional paper diary or notebook, a blog, facebook updates, twitter updates etc.
- Gratitude jar/envelope/box: Just a simple jar, an envelope or a box with a notepad and pencil next to it. You write little notes of gratitude and pop them in. You can set a fixed time (eg., before dinner) to do it, just keep it around for someone to write whenever inspiration strikes or turn it into a holiday tradition (Starting to make thank you notes about each family member two weeks prior to Valentine’s, and then reading them on Valentine’s day seems like a fun, popular one that we might try this year!).
- Gratitude session: This is something that I came across on Zen Habits, the blog of Leo Babauta, who’s been a huge influence on me. The idea is to sit down for 2 minutes almost as if for meditation, but focus your thoughts on what you are grateful for. Simple, yet incredibly powerful if you stay consistent.
- Gratitude calls: Just set a day of the week, pick up the phone and call one person (even if it is your spouse) and say thank you. Be specific about one incident that you are really grateful for. It’ll not just make them feel warm all over inside, it will also do a ton of good for the relationship.
Things to Remember While Cultivating the Attitude of Gratitude
Like I mentioned before, I personally found that it’s not an easy attitude to cultivate. Here are a few tips that have been helpful in letting me turn this into a habit.
- Tie it to something you routinely do. I have mentioned before that I don’t really believe in God in the conventional sense. So a gratitude “prayer” would probably never have stuck with me, if it was not a part of the night time routine I have with my daughter. Our nighttime routine is something sacred and cherished by both of us, and since the gratitude prayer became a part of that routine, it just stuck around.
- Don’t expect miracles on day one.Don’t expect that right from the very first day it will give you a lift, a sense of liberation or immense peace of mind (though it could!). You may even feel a bit silly at first if you are not used to it. It’s been 3 years now, and still sometimes when my daughter says “now you say your prayer” and I recount the seemingly mundane events of the day, I feel a bit silly. That said, it almost always helps ground me and makes me realize how good my life is, just the way it is!
- Be present: Making it a part of a routine sure helps it stick. But the downside is that it could turn into a rote routine. There are days when my daughter just chants the two lines of the original prayer and she is done and I wouldn’t even have paid any attention because I am too preoccupied. Such days will occur – that’s OK. But as much as possible, make a concerted effort to actually be present and feel the gratitude.
The attitude of gratitude started on a whim for me, but has made a huge difference in my life. I’ve found that I can get through very difficult situations (where I would have completely crumbled down before) in a calm, controlled manner coming up with incredible out-of-box solutions while maintaining an upbeat outlook.
While there is mounting research based evidence that an attitude of gratitude will make you a happier person and countless books talking about this, I urge you to try this out based on my very personal experience!
The 2-Minute Action Plan for Fine Parents
Now, it’s time to spend a quick couple of minutes to take stock of what you are thankful for in your life. No you don’t have to close your eyes this time (though that might not be a bad idea) 🙂
Here are a few questions to get you started
- What in your personality are you thankful for?
- How about your general health and well being?
- Think of the five people you interact with most in your everyday life (spouse, kids, colleagues, clients, boss, parents, friends etc.). What are you thankful for in each of them?
- Think of your life experiences – recent or past, happy or sad, short or long – how have they helped you grow and what can you be thankful for?
- What are a few things that have gone unexpectedly well for you lately that you can be thankful for?
These are just some starter questions. I would love to hear your answers, and any new questions that you come up with – please share them in the comments below.
Also, writing things down makes them concrete – so make the list of what you are thankful for in writing. Go ahead use the comments section below. I hope that at least one of your lives will change for the better through this simple little exercise like mine did through Crystal’s influence on her blog 🙂
The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents
Pick one of the the ways to start the gratitude habit in your family and begin implementing it right away. This week, just focus on this one habit…. commit a time and do it daily.
Also, depending on your family dynamics, do it just by yourself at first and then get the family involved, or start it right from the beginning as a family project.
Good luck! And thank you for choosing to be a part this Fine Parenting journey!
I am thankful to God for having a wonderful wife and a lovely daughter. I am thankful to HIM for providing me a house to live, food to eat, clothes to wear and sufficient money to meet my needs. Thanks Sumitha for pointing this out, else, most of our time is on brooding what we don’t have, how we are worse off than our neighours and relatives. In this age and time, instead of counting on our blessings, we are more interested in comparing our low points with the highlights of other’s lives. Once again, so kind of you for bringing out this wonderful blog.
Ultimately, it all boils down to just being happy for the families we have and being able to provide for our basic needs, right? Yet sadly, like you mentioned, most of us gravitate towards taking it for granted and trying to live up to the Joneses 🙁
Thanks for sharing what you are grateful for, and your kind words about the blog, Anand! I hope you will continue to enjoy life from a place of gratitude.
Hi Sumitha,
This is now my new favorite post of yours. Incredible insights and some very real and useful information.
It warms my heart to think of you and your daughter in your bed-time ritual. Children do represent the sacred. I truly appreciate you sharing this story.
On a side note, there is other scientific evidence to your point showing up via Dr. Richard Davidson’s research you might find interesting: http://psyphz.psych.wisc.edu/
With care for what is scientifically provable, you won’t dare become one of those dreaded ‘hokum-advice self-help sites…’ — a fate worse than death me thinks?
Warmest regards and appreciation to you, your family and for sharing your journey.
Hi Joseph!!!! So nice to hear from you and thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement!
And thank you for pointing me to Dr. Davidson’s site… It’s a treasure trove of information and I could spend weeks, if not months in that rabbit hole! Just skimming through some of the links on their news site, I have ideas for 2-3 new posts that are relevant to parents that I would like to publish here. Can’t thank you enough for that! On another note, Dr. Davidson’s book “The Emotional Life of Your Brain” sounds like a good read and has some very favorable reviews on Amazon. Have you had a chance to read it? Do you recommend it?
Take care and all the very best with your journey at Inside Out Wisdom!
Hi Sumitha,
Great Website! I should really appreciate you for your time and effort to put forth valuable and practical insights in your website. I am really thankful I am reading this blog and have recommended to my friends as well. I am cultivating gratitude habit now and consciously changed the negative self-talk critic to positive self booster by appreciating things of what I have now. Writing valentine card with thankful notes is great hint. We can do the same while writing B’day cards too.
I have no words to thank you to take a big decision of quitting your job and creating this website for free and shaping the personality of millions of people. Good on you.
Love,
Valli
Hi Valli, Thank you so much for your kind words. I really appreciate it!
I love the idea of encouraging kids to write something they are thankful about the other child in the Valentine’s/Birthday card! It’s such an organic way to get them into the gratitude mindset. Thank you for sharing that!
As for this blog, I learn as much from wonderful readers like you as I share – so it is a good bargain in my books 🙂
Take care, and good luck continuing to keep the negative self-talk critic at bay!
Sumitha I love your posts.
Happiness is a constant battle for me and yet I have a very happy life. I have all I have ever wanted, don’t I?!
Being thankful and grateful for what I have and we as a family have, compared to the majority of families in the world is a very humbling thing. I have found happiness in seeing my children happy (more running around on a recent beach holiday, less new toys!) We laughed together as a family so much on that week away. I had just read your last post on “buying” happiness through experience.
Being thankful and grateful has eased my anxiety and high expectations and in turn brought the ever elusive happiness to me! I continue to read your posts and always take something away with me from them.
Thank you for sharing your personal experience with us and helping me feel less alone in the struggle to be better. (Although I am learning to be happy with what I am just the way I am!!)
You are a good and kind woman to do this for the rest of us! Thank you.
Hi Cleo, Thank you for such encouraging words! Your statement “Being thankful and grateful has eased my anxiety and high expectations and in turn brought the ever elusive happiness to me!” sums up my own experience very beautifully. And thanks for sharing about your holiday at the beach – it brought back wonderful memories of our own vacation a few weeks back. We are already hatching plans for our next one 🙂
About the blog, I honestly do it more for myself than others – it helps me sort things out and stay the course with the changes I am trying to make in my life. The little supportive community that is forming here is such a wonderful bonus 🙂 Thank you and good luck to stay the course to find happiness where you are, just the way you are!
Dear Sumitha, I really enjoyed today’s post. You might be interested to know that there are scientific studies that show it is more common for the human brain to focus on the negative than the positive so that is all the more reason as to why we have to make a conscious effort to be thankful.
I think a challenge for me and a huge challenge for my kids will be social media. When I was growing up you could only compare yourself to the kids on your street or your class. Now you easily compare yourself with millions of people, meaning there will always be someone better than you or someone with more than you. While I consciously understand this and try to cultivate my own sense of gratitude internally, it is still difficult at times. My takeaway is that I am going to work on building a gratitude routine with my son. Thanks again.
Ah, two very good points, Shannon!!!!
I should have included the first one in the article – about our brains tendency to focus more on the negative than positive… I think it would have fit very well with the premise of the article. I recently finished reading “The Happiness Advantage” and the author beautifully explains this and makes a very strong case for positive thinking. Have you read that book or seen the author’s TED talk? If not I highly, highly recommend it! Here is the link to the TED talk – it is as entertaining as educational – http://bit.ly/IMGphY
About the second point, about how much harder it is for our kids compared to us because of social media – you know, I never really thought of it that way! It’s so true though… the highlights reel of everyone’s life is now on FB (or in a blog post or instagram or whatever) and it is so much easier to compare our not so flashy reality with their highlights and feel like crap. I totally know what you mean when you say trying to say grateful and positive is so difficult at times. And that it’s all the more reason to raise our kids with a mindset that seeks out the positive and celebrates being grateful! Thank you so much for pointing it out!
Again, leaving your post with a smile. Thanks much for sharing and working at this. I appreciate it. 🙂
And to add my gratitude here: I have two awesome boys – grateful for their long hair and their peace with explaining to every. single. person. who gasps at them for being boys with hair so long.
Grateful for myself in allowing my children to make their own choices and have ownership over their bodies and selves.
Mica
Wow, this is amazing, Mica! You’ve taken this one step ahead and linked your gratitude practice with a symbol you encounter everyday. And now every time you are with your boys and you see their long hair, somewhere at the back of your mind, you’ll feel the calm centered-ness of just being grateful for what you have — irrespective of where you are and what the situation is. And the way you’ve phrased it, even if they choose to cut their hair super short, it is still a symbol that triggers gratitude. That’s brilliant!!!
Part of our dinner routine is to give thanks to the animals and individuals responsible for each item on our plates; farmers, harvesters, delivery drivers, store clerks, etc.
It is my hope that by doing so my kids are not only grateful for their food, but are more aware of where it comes from and what it takes to get it.
Wow, something that helps with the attitude as well as general knowledge. Neat! Thank you so much for sharing, Johnny.
I love the idea of the bedtime prayers.. I will definitely start this right away with my daughters. It really makes a difference in their moods when they feel good about what they have rather than feeling bad about what they don’t have. Thank you so much!
Yes, Noha! It really has been the trigger for a lot of changes in our household. Little things like these matter a lot more than we suspect they would. Good luck in getting your daughters into the bedtime prayer habit!
The first thing I mentally say every morning when my eyelids pop up is “thank you”. I ended the nightly stressed to-do list for the next day ahead when I go to bed at night and count my blessings instead. I am a lifelong practicing Catholic and am greatly drawn to the ideals of Buddhism and Taoism. I’ve branched out over time from strict dogma to more of a spiritual sense but still keep my faith. I adore the Dalai Lama and Thich Nhat Hanh. God gives me everything good in life, I personally feel, and He helps me when there are struggles. I don’t think we are meant to live this life without some bumps–but they are always undershadowed by the blessings. There have been numerous times when I have felt His healing hand in my life when I ask for help, sometimes repeatedly and am given the most beautiful sense of calm, even when the situation has not resolved itself fully. I don’t see how a person can not be grateful in life, whether you are the strictest Catholic, a non-Christian, a Jew, Muslim, agnostic or even atheist–by not sending thanks out to your Lord or the universe, whatever, you miss part of the lightheartedness of being alive everyday!
Now this link, http://www.spring.org.uk/2007/09/practicing-gratitude-can-increase.php, adjoined to one of the links you posted Sumitha, made me laugh:
” Dr. Emmons also expresses surprise at the findings of the study, partly because there are some reasons practicing gratitude might not be so good.
For example, focusing on gratitude reminds us what we owe to others. This may in turn remind us of our dependence on others and reduce a sense of personal control. Thinking in terms of gratitude may also focus us on the debts we owe to others and, studies have shown, people don’t enjoy feeling indebted to others.”
Are you kidding me? That’s scoffable-laughable to me, there will always be endless research on this, that and the other–best advice is to live your own life, get out there and do it. I got tired of researching this and that myself and find tidbits about stuff here, literally in this blog, and in other spots but I don’t ground myself to it.
I’m like you Sumitha in that I expect a lot from others as well but am learning to go with the flow. Everything is a learning experience, no matter how old you are. We’ve each been given the greatest gift by being alive so love it and be thankful for it.
Thanks for clipping that bit and pointing it out Bernadette, it made me do a double take too! I went back to the article and read it over a couple of times and I think the article means that, that was what Dr. Emmons, the person who conducted the gratitude research *expected* to find (!?!) but was surprised that the results showed otherwise — that gratitude does increase happiness.
Well, anyway, like you I try to take everything as a learning experience and absorb whatever lessons that seem useful into my life. Love this Bruce Lee quote in that regard – “Take what is useful, reject what is useless, and add what is specifically your own.” 🙂
Hey Sumitha,
Amazing article and lovely website – I should visit it more often! The title ‘Attitude of Gratitude in the Age of Entitlement’ caught my attention…very well written and def’ly gives me plenty to think about and embrace! Thank you!!
Thanks for the kind words, Sanhitha. Glad you liked it!
(P.S.: Is this Hitha? Just checking to make sure… :))
Sumitha,
First – I have been on your email list since before the site was up and I want to say thank you to you. I am grateful for your insight. You mirror many of my personality traits and it is comforting to know that Im not the only one that wants to be perfect! lol!!
I am extremely thankful for my bubbly and hyper personality. I smile as much as possible and I hope it warms other people!
I am grateful that I had the ability and mental fortitude to lost 60lbs after the birth of my daughter. Now I am a runner and extremely healthy!
I am so very thankful to the universe for sending my partner to me. He has saved me, grounded me, and continues to force me to look at my self honestly and with a clear perspective. I love you Nick.
As hard as this is to admit somedays – thank you life for the experiences I have had, especially the past 2 years. They have been the hardest parts of my life thus far – but I wouldnt be the better person I am today if they didnt occur.
Thank you god, the universe and the angels for my life. And thank you to my babies for choosing me to be your mom!! I hope to help you in the life plan you chose, when you chose me!
Love to everyone!!
Veronica
That’s beautiful, Veronica — Thanks! Your bubbly personality and strength of character comes through so clearly in that comment and it put a smile on my face 🙂 I was particularly touched by your acceptance of the past 2 years that were tough for you…. I hope the rest of your life fares much better. And in case it decides to throw more challenges your way, well, you know you’ve done it before and came out a stronger person, so you know you can do it again.
(P.S.: You may want to bookmark your comment — click on the date below your name in the comment for a direct link to it — as an inspiring reminder of who you are on days that you may feel a little blue and need a quick pick me up!)
Anyway, good luck in your journey! And I am so happy to know you’ve been part of the AFP journey even before the site was born!!! I hope I can count on you to hold me accountable if the site veers off course from the initial intention of serving as a source of inspiration to bring out the best in parents — Thanks in advance 🙂
Hi Sumitha,
Thank you for validating my belief in and practice of gratitude. I began a gratitude jar and later, a journal. It’s the last thing I do every night. They are real and accessible reminders to shatter any nagging feelings of discontent. Life has not always been an easy ride but I’ve consciously chosen to look at it with my glass at least half full, if not overflowing. After a recent challenge, I even actually wondered if I should perhaps be sadder longer? Then I smiled at how silly I was being and instead, included it in my list of things to be thankful for – that I’m not sad.
Being a parent is one of the most fulfilling roles (and being called a cool mom by one’s child is a compliment forever cherished) but it is also probably the hardest life role. Your blog helps make it easier and fun, so that’s one more thing to be grateful for. Thanks again.
And to all parents, let’s also give ourselves pats on the back once in a while. Maybe we need to soothe the little child in us, so we can function as responsible adults.
cheers!
Luwee
You’re right, Luwee. Gratitude is an intentional choice and one that I’ve been slipping up on sometimes these days (I published this article over a year ago, and a lot has happened in that year – most of them good, but some “challenging” like you mentioned). I really appreciate your comment since it made me take a step back and inspect some of my recent choices, my attitude and what I need to do next — Thank you!
Thank you for the sharing.