Do you believe in the power of stories?
I do.
And today, on the almost-3rd anniversary of this blog (it’s on Oct 7th, woot!), I want to share with you a story that has driven some of the biggest decisions of my life in the recent years and helped me turn my life around.
This is a story from my college days.
As many of you know, I was born and raised in India. The culture and lifestyle there, particularly 20+ years back was very different than it is here now.
Back in India, parents fund children’s college years. There are no jobs for students to do to earn an income. You learn to make do with whatever allowance your parents give you.
I am a middle child from a middle-class family. My years in college overlapped those of my sisters… first my older sister and then my younger sister. Consequently, the allowances we received were pretty meager.
I didn’t think too much about it at the time though. It was the norm. Most students fell into one of two distinct classes — the “rich” or the “others”.
I firmly belonged among the “others” and for the most part, I was perfectly fine with it.
During the first years of my college, I received an allowance of Rs. 800 (USD 12) per month, and a little more in the later years. Out of this Rs. 600 – Rs. 650 would go towards my board (a small room shared with two others), food and electric bills. That left me with roughly Rs. 150 – Rs. 200 (about USD 2.25 – USD 3) to for all other expenses — from books to tampons.
The cost of living in India 20 years back was quite low. But still, Rs. 200 didn’t go very far. Ever the resourceful, we — the “others” — made up with creativity what we lacked in the financial department.
Creative Solutions
We had all kinds of arrangements to stretch that rupee.
The cost of expensive textbooks was shared by buying one copy and making photocopies for the rest of us.
We took turns to keep supplemental books checked out of the library.
Each term we waited anxiously for lab schedules and struck deals with students who didn’t have conflicting times for sharing mandatory lab and engineering equipment.
When my roommate got a motorcycle for her birthday, half the hostel volunteered to ‘help’ her with the fuel and maintenance costs… for a long time there, that was the only way some of us could experience the sheer joy and freedom of having access to wheels!
For a foodie like me though, the most cherished arrangement was the one I had with a few other foodie friends.
Once every few weeks, we would each pool in Rs. 3 and with the money raised, we bought gobi manchurian, a spicy snack made out of cauliflowers, from a street vendor.
We would bring our prized possession back to the hostel and split it among us. Each of us got about 2 tablespoonfuls in our share.
And then we settled on the wide stairs of our hostel, a dinner plate in our hands with the usual inedible hostel fare made immaterial by the few precious pieces of gobi manchurian.
As a cool breeze blew and the sun set somewhere on the horizon, the tantalizing smell, the mouth-watering sight and the exquisite taste of the gobi manchurian chased away all the woes of the world.
In those moments surrounded by like-minded friends, I experienced a bone-deep, soul-satisfying contentment and satisfaction that I cannot forget if I live to be a hundred years.
The Next 15 Years
In the years that followed, I graduated, got a job, met the love of my life, moved to the US and eventually got married.
We then went on to get graduate degrees and land high-salaried jobs. We bought a home. We traded up our bicycle for a clunker, and then the clunker for two shiny cars.
We had our beautiful daughter.
We advanced in the world. And climbed the proverbial ladder of success.
In those 15 years, I tried more cuisines and delicacies than I could name sitting on those hostel stairs. Nothing, however, even came close to providing the pure joy – the touch-that-spot-in-your-soul feeling – that the Rs. 3 gobi manchurian provided.
Somewhere along the way in those 15 years, something else had also changed without me quite realizing it… I had gone from a starry-eyed optimist to a seasoned cynic.
Back in my college days I used to curse because I thought it was cool. But now, I did it out of real angst and frustration.
Back then, I didn’t care what I owned as long as I was having fun. But now, I lived in a big house with two cars in the garage… and at the best of times I was blasé, and most of the time I was downright discontent.
Back then, I had roommates out of necessity, and they became my best friends. But now, I was married to the person I loved the most in the world, and we had a beautiful little daughter, and yet, we treated each other worse than even the worst roommates would. Our home was a daily battle zone of stress, misunderstanding and unattainable expectations.
The Tipping Point
That’s life in the grown-up Real World, right?
Or so I told myself as each day got a little more suffocating than the previous.
I would have likely continued on the unhappy path for the rest of my life too, if not for one life-turning event: on a day like any other, I got a call from my husband. He was in the emergency room. He ended up spending two weeks in the hospital. We spent several months getting used to our new normal.
Stuff like that makes you take a step back and really look at your life. And finally recognize the rut you’re stuck in for what it is.
I fell into an existential crisis of sorts. I realized I no longer knew who I was, how we had ended up here or how to get out.
An Anchor and A Guiding Star
I had gotten very close to a friend at work those days, and we had gotten into a habit of taking a short walk after lunch every day. One day as she and I were walking, we got around to talking about our college days, and the story of the gobi manchurian came up.
For days after that, the story kept ringing in my mind. I couldn’t let it go.
Slowly, it became an anchor for me and kept me from floating adrift as I struggled to make sense of what our life had become. And then a guiding star for what I needed to do to turn things around.
The Past 3 Years
In April 2013, I quit my job. It is the scariest thing I’ve ever done in my life.
The past 3 years have been an exercise in letting go of every preconceived notion I had developed about what is important and what matters.
And learning to focus on 3 simple things: my relationship with my daughter, my relationship with my husband and finding something meaningful to do with my time and my life.
This blog is at the intersection of #1 and #3 above.
Running it has been a great privilege. I have learnt so much and grown so much, thanks to all of you who have read it, commented on it, wrote for it, emailed me and shared it with your friends. Thank you!
I’m not naive enough to think I can change the world with it. But I do believe in the power of words. And if something that some parent reads here helps them be a little gentler and a little more positive with their kids, and themselves, it is a far better use of my time than the mindless ladder-climbing I did before.
And the relationship with my daughter and husband has improved by leaps and bounds in this time. We are a much happier, calmer, content lot now.
With our fair share of those little bone-deep, soul-satisfyingly gobi manchurian moments.
For once, it feels like life is good just the way it is.
Going Forward…
So, what next?
As some of you know, I’ve spent the past year or so putting together a journal that helps us parents connect more deeply with our kids, and build them up into strong, happy, well-adjusted and good human beings.
It is an extension of everything this blog stands for.
At its simplest, it is a memoir you put together with your child.
Underneath though it is powerful parenting tool designed to
- help you connect deeply with your kids
- show them how much you love them
- build up their confidence and self-esteem
- nurture a growth mindset
- encourage an attitude of gratitude
- share values
- build character
- strengthen emotional intelligence
- and so much more.
I’ve spent the better part of last year trying to whittle down a vague idea into something that can be implemented.
So many of you have generously helped me refine the ideas and improve it. Thank you. I am so grateful for your help!
What we have now is a beautifully designed, extremely well thought-out, highly effective product that I am immensely proud to have a part in putting together!
And it is perfectly in line with the story that has been guiding my life these days: live life as a series of simple, meaningful, bone-deep, soul-satisfying worthwhile moments.
Over the next few weeks, I will be talking about it a LOT.
It is my new baby, and I strongly believe in it… so I will do all I can to get it out there in the world.
Some of you may find this annoying, and I understand. Please bear with me and tune me out for a few weeks. Soon enough, the launch will be done, and we will return back to our regularly scheduled articles.
Many of you though will likely find it exciting. Especially those of you who have read the articles here and thought
“I understand all the theory, but man, I wish there were a simple way to implement all this easily”.
I think you will find that this journal is a fantastic way to achieve a lot of the things we hope for through one simple activity.
And we have put a lot of effort into making this interesting for kids, so they will want to do this with us!
It is a beautiful, meaningful product to bring out into the world. I hope you will get involved in any way you can and support me in any way possible. Please, help me get this out there… the world will be a better place for it!
I will have more details about the journal and the launch next Monday.
In the meantime, it’s time for our action plans for this week 🙂
The 2-Minute Action Plan for Fine Parents
So, I started this blog post by talking about my life, goals and the gobi manchurian story that anchors me and guides me in my choices. Now it’s your turn.
For your quick 2-minute contemplation questions today think about these:
- Are you happy and content with where your life is at the moment?
- If yes, what stories/memories can you use to remind yourself to not slip away from this place?
- If no, what can you do to get to a better place (pick one thing you can start working on today!)
- What are your goals right now? Are they aligned with what you want from your life?
- Again, if yes, what stories/memories can help you stay on track?
- If no, what stories/memories can help you motivate the change?
The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents
Stories are very powerful. They can help you transform your life from what it is to what you want it to be.
Take a few moments over the next few days to dig up all the different stories/memories that make up your life.
- Which of these stories can be your guiding star when you stray off the path?
- Which of them are touchstones that will help you stay on the chosen path?
- Which are cautionary tales that can protect you and your family from harm?
Give those stories the power to make you who you want to be!
I, for one, cannot wait for the journal. This blog is the one I look forward to each week. Thoughtful, useful and doable!
Awww, thank you so much, Jessica. I’ve gotten a little too attached to the journal and that makes the thought of putting it out there in the world a bit (a lot, actually) scary. I really appreciate this comment and your support! Thank you!
Thank you so much for sharing your bone-deep experience. As my husband is from Bangladesh I also love to eat cauliflower…spiced especially!
I often look back on my heart-warming memories to re-centre and refocus. Your inspiring and empowering emails are helping me become a better person and an even better parent.
I look forward to your next email.
All the best with the journal!
Thanks for the wishes, Aggs!
And yes, spicy cauliflower is awesome. It is still one of the veggies with a soft spot in my heart and I make my own version of it at home, though it never tastes as good as the gobi manchurian from a street vendor 🙂
Thank you for sharing your story!! I can’t wait for the journal!
Yaay. You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear that. Thank you, Robyn!
I love starting my week out with your emails and encouraging words. I am really excited about the journal and looking forward to its release. I have three adopted children from the foster care system and raising them can be really challenging. Finding ways to get into their hearts can be difficult. I am looking forward to using the journal with each of them. Thank you for putting so much of yourself into helping all of us who are struggling and working to make our lives better and the lives of those we touch. ?
Thank you so much for your kind words, and your support all along, Pam. I really appreciate it. What you do with your kids is wonderful, and I sincerely hope the journal will live up to the expectations and help you connect deeply with them!
I personally love your blog – it’s real and it’s heartfelt. Thank you for sharing your own history in this one! You are a brave woman 😉 And I am really interested in the journal…
So happy to hear you are interested in the journal, Danielle. Thank you!
I don’t feel very brave at the moment though. As a matter of fact, I’m keeping my fingers crossed and hoping to get through the next few weeks without giving into the temptation to hide under my blanket and never coming out again 🙂
I have already once told you and I will tell you again. You brought me back from the precipice of taking my own life or God forbid the life of my own child along with my own; that’s where I was, when your words brought me back. I couldn’t afford it but I saw therapists who didn’t help, I begged everyone I knew to help me cope with what felt like overwhelming injustice and expectations of me I couldn’t fulfil, but your words catapulted me out. I came across a link for your blog via a random comment regarding parenting for unusual cases I kid you not. And I’m glad. Thank you. Both I and my child thank you ❤️
Oh gosh, Sarosh, I am completely at a loss of words and don’t know what to say!
I’m so glad my words were right for you at that moment and reached you at the right time. That said, it was you who made the choice to read them and turn your life around, and for that, you should give yourself credit and be proud of yourself. Life isn’t always easy, and in some cases, it is downright difficult. But I hope you will never let yourself go back to that dark edge again! Please do reach out if you ever need a listening ear! I wish you and your child the very best!
You are very brave Sumitha, kudos for your great work. You changed your life amazingly regardless of the norm and you gained yourself and your beloved family back. Keep up the good work and always keep those sparkling eyes and your beautiful smile shining like a star. I always had faith in you!?
Awww… thank you so much, Masuma aunty! I hope you know what a HUGE influence you have been on me…. so from all of us, Thank you! Are you back home? I will call you for a chat!
Sumitha,
I am eager to see your creative gift to further all of us traveling this wild ride of parenting!! I was Journaling this morning on goal setting, something I do for a living with organizations and businesses for their strategic plans…but some how I was stuck seeking my own personal goals. Until I read your message – and now I am so excited to carve out some time today to spend time with my stories – identify my anchors – thank you! Keep being brave, your courage is contagious and inspiring. Mom of a soon to be 5 year old, Jewelz, I finer parent then I was October 7, 2013 thank to you.
Awww, thank you so much Jewelz! Amazing isn’t it, how we can see something clearly when we look from the outside, but so much harder to do it when we look on the inside? I struggle with this often… Anyway, good luck to you today in teasing out those stories and long-forgotten memories that can be your anchors, touchstones and guiding stars… I hope you figure out your list of personal goals soon!
I can completely identify with this post, like most of the other moms/parents out there. Growing up with limited means, I still remember there was much more laughter, learning, love and more peace as compared to now! Sometimes it’s just easy to forget all the problems by just diving deep into my toddler girl’s world, where everything is much simpler. But then at times, you need something more – and the 2-minute action plan is just the right way to tackle it 🙂
Good luck with the launch and I will be eagerly looking forward to the articles coming in the following weeks! 🙂
That put a big smile on my face, Smi 🙂
And, thank you. I so appreciate the support. I can use all the luck I can get at the moment!
Hi Sumitha! What a moving blog post! I am from Sri Lanka and your journey completely resonates with me. You are doing a wonderful job with this blog IMHO and I look forward to it every week!! What a great resource. Thank you for all that you’re doing to help us become better and more positive parents and adults. Keep up the great work! Looking forward to learning more about the journal.
Thank you so much, N.R. I am putting together a page with details about the journal. I will send it out next week. I hope it will live up to the expectations!
What a lovely piece. Thank you for sharing your story with us. And congratulations on your new endeavor! I hope it’s a big success–I’m rooting for you.
Yaay… Thanks, Korinthia! 🙂
I fortuitously stumbled upon this blog last year and have been an avid reader since. Thank you for sharing your story! Thank you for making the courageous leap to quit your job in 2013! And thank you for being a glowing lighthouse in this world. I look forward to all of your posts and to the journal!
Oh, gosh. Thank you, Erin. I may or may not be blushing a little after reading your comment :p
When did all this happen Sumitha ????? We all used to play together , cause trouble, even in school i used to follow you, how organized you were and how well prepared you were , may it be for recitals or exams or tests. This was all in elementary school, Stephen’s school, I remember every detail of your house and our weekends running around and your birthday parties. I am so proud of you. You have done what we all have been thinking of but never dare. Today i think of you every week when i am waiting for that one email. I have read your blogs over and over again. Sometimes have been envious of you for where you are today 🙂 . But mostly am proud of you. Keep going girl. Look forward to a lot more learning from you.
Luv Rashmi
Wow, Rashmi! Those are some really old memories…. like, really old 🙂 Time sure flies doesn’t it? Thank you for this wonderful comment… between the seasonal cold and trying to get things ready for the next week’s launch, I’ve been running myself a bit ragged and this trip down memory lane was just what I needed!
Sumita – Thank you for sharing your story. There is a small restaurant near me that serves Gobi Manchurian, I love it too! We were so lucky to be one of the previewers for the journal and my daughter can’t wait until it’s release so we can continue the conversations in writing.
Thank you so much for previewing the journal, Michelle. I couldn’t have done it without help from you and the others here! I’m forever grateful that you so generously shared your time, ideas and suggestions. I can’t wait to see what you think of the finished product… 🙂 I’m pulling together all the itty-bitty details into one page to share here (and then on Kickstarter) next week… this is so exciting!
Dear Sumitha,
Beautiful recall I would say.. Could relate to it so well, each and every line of it.
Gives a totally new perspective everytime I read the fine parent blog.
Bingo!
Veena
Thanks, Veena. I hope you enjoyed the little walk down memory lane as much as I did. I so miss the Mysore street side Gobi Machurian…
Truely Sumitha! You have taught us a lot waiting for the journal! Really all of us have some stories some good some bad but thankful for life to show us that all so we can grow. Still trying to be a fine parent failing n learning each day. But soon will get there. Thank you!?
Thank you for such a wonderful comment, Mahek. I know exactly what you mean about failing and learning each day. My hope is to get there some day soon as well 🙂 Take care!
Dear Sumitha,
Beautiful ‘story’ written with such honesty and humility- one that resonates with so many of us. And yes, I believe in the power of stories- as I’m getting older, I’ve found myself telling many such stories to my children in the hope to preserve the memories and ‘connections’ with what matters the most – family, friends and relationships…
Whilst many of your blogs arrive in my inbox at the exact times that I need them, this one has reignited my passion for transferring my oral stories to written form as a legacy for my children ( a project that I had started more than 5 years ago with stories from my ajji, but haven’t firmed anything up yet).I’m not a writer – but does it matter?
Congratulations on the third birthday of your blog and I can’t wait for your next project – the journal and I hope that will inspire me create more memories and stories with my children !!!
Best wishes for everything Sumitha. You are definitely continuing to change lives through your words and stories… giving hope to many parents like me, in their quest to be a better version of themselves – one itty bit at a time, as you say. It has definitely made a difference in my life. Thank You.
Rashmi
PS: I remember visiting you at that hostel…feeling so nostalgic now and I feel so proud sharing our stories with my family.
Wow, Rashmi. Thank you! And with that one comment you bring up so many more stories to mind… our Shivrathri story, the Abhyapari story and the majjige huli (with bendekai!) that your mom makes!!!
No you don’t have to be a writer to preserve these stories… just the drive to keep them alive is more than enough. I would love to take a peak at your stories journal some day… if we ever manage to visit India at the same time, please promise me you will bring it with you?
Congratulations Sumitha!!! Enjoyed reading your story.Excellent narration .Good to know that your Journal is launching soon.
Thanks, Rajani! Yes, it took a while, but finally getting close to launch 🙂
Proud of you Sis …Keep scaling new heights 🙂
Whoa, Nannu! Thanks!!!
Dear Sumitha, your blog literally speaks to me and reads my mind !! Every week when i receive your email, the article mentioned in it actually depicts my current situation in life. Thank you so much for sharing…
Excellent story and all the best for your Journal and wish you every success.
So happy to hear that, Lakshmi! And thank you… I could use all the wishes for a successful launch of the journal 🙂
The aspiration to move up and higher sometimes lead us lose our focus on what’s more important in life. As I went through the peaks and troughs over the years, I have learned to appreciate the simplest gestures of love, kindness and compassion, treasure my family even more and not take them for granted, and always be grateful for the opportunities that had brought me to where I am. And I try as much as possible to instil the same to my child.
I really enjoyed reading your blog post, Sumitha. It’s beautifully written, with such honesty. I stumbled upon your site and I’m so glad that I did. I’m looking forward to what you have in store for us.
Beautifully said, Liz — what really matters is that we remember to appreciate the simple gestures and treasure what already have!
And thanks for your kind words about the article and the blog… so glad you’ve joined us. We’ll always have a spot for wonderful mommies like you 🙂 Welcome aboard!