Ever get a feeling your days are starting to look like a scene out of a bad reality show?
I remember a time when every morning felt like that!
My daughter was just about 3 years old then.
My in-laws were visiting us.
I have no idea why, but my daughter had started to really act out. She seemed to resist, fight and demand that everything must go her way. But the mother of all battles was about what clothes to wear. Every. single. morning.
Summer was long gone, and the cold winter was settling in. But she was not ready to give up her favorite summer frocks yet. She had declared war on every coat, jacket, leggings, full-sleeved shirts or winter dresses that we owned. NOT fun.
After a couple of weeks of begging, pleading, bribing, screaming, crying, tantrums and threats – every single morning – we were all worn out.
To me this was a double whammy. I was not just frustrated with my inability to dress her up in weather appropriate clothing, I was also eternally embarrassed about the daily spectacle that my in-laws got to witness.
And then one day, my father-in-law had a suggestion.
Now honestly, I can be a butt-head about accepting advice, especially from in-laws, especially if I felt that it questions my parenting abilities.
But seriously, I had no defense – any semblance of my parenting capabilities lay tattered on the floor and besides, my father-in-law is the sweetest man in the world.
So I decided to take his advice which was pretty simple – set out the clothes for the next morning on the night before, so hopefully the drama plays out in the night when things are not so rushed, instead of the morning.
I actually had no expectations that it would work. I knew this just meant we would end up having two dramas – one on the night before, and one in the morning.
I was right — at first we did end up having two dramas. But my father-in-law wouldn’t give up. And his persistence paid off. Slowly, a new routine emerged. Here’s how it went –
Every night about 10 minutes before it was time for bed, grandpa would ask her if she had the clothes for the next day picked out. He would pick a moment when she was really involved in some game or the other. I would tell her that it was time to go to bed, but if she picked out her clothes by the time I counted to 10, she could get a 10 minute extension.
We would sometimes have disagreement about what she picked but I continued to count through it and thanks to her impatience to get back to play and the temptation of the 10 minute extension, we would generally reach a quick agreement.
A couple of times in the morning she threw a fit and refused to wear what she had picked out, but those nights, we held fast to the policy that she wouldn’t be getting the extension and took her to bed 10 minutes earlier, even if it meant having to deal with a meltdown.
After the initial bumps, the new routine was accepted!
It’s been close to 2 years now, and we still follow it. Smooth nighttimes, and smooth mornings. Can you ask for anything more from life? 🙂
It was a bit of an ‘aha’ experience for me. I made me see the value in preplanning and its role in preventing explosive situations. The need to swallow pride and accept advice. The process of creative evolution required to find something that works for all of us.
The pre-planning/prevention mindset and habit doesn’t always come easy. It takes some time and effort to get into, but the results are usually so worth it.
Here are some of the lessons I learnt about prevention/pre-planning –
1. Avoid or plan around as many known triggers as possible
With our daughter, as with most kids I suspect, the most common triggers for tantrum are if she is hungry, tired or close to sleep time. The next big trigger, which played out in this situation, is any sort of transitions. When we avoid these or plan around them so she is given ample time to adjust, I have found out that it is much easier to avoid explosive situations.
2. Give them control
When I started letting my daughter choose her own clothes, we ended up with some very interesting combinations of clothing. They were so interesting in fact, that I was at times tempted to pretend that I was just an aunt in charge of this child for the day…. but hey, there were no arguments, and who knows, maybe she will audition for the Next Fashion Star, someday 😉
3. Accommodate your child’s wishes if reasonable
I squandered away the wonderful opportunity during the transition period between summer and winter when the weather was starting to cool down, but it was not quite cold yet. With my in-laws watching me, I felt the stress to show that I was in charge. What I ended up in was a lot of power struggle that pushed my daughter’s resolve to refuse to wear the cold weather clothes. This was such a lost opportunity since I had the perfect chance to empathise with her wishes and slowly transition her to the new wardrobe.
4. Be open minded
Sometimes you just can’t see the forest for the trees. When you are in a rut, give up your pride and listen to well-intended advice. You may not think it works, but give it a whole-hearted try anyway. You never know what might come out of it unless you try!
5. Get creative, evolve
Your first attempt may not quite pan out as you hoped, but tweak your approach until you figure out something that works. By timing the request to choose her clothes, by putting a deadline on how much time she had to pick them out, and by offering an incentive for doing the task, we were able to find a system that in my opinion is just perfect.
6. At first, it requires discipline. In the end, it’s just another habit
We had to really remember to get her to pick out her clothes every single night (how lucky I was to have my in-laws here to remind me! 😉 ) We had to enforce the “no extension because you did not keep your end of the deal” a few times. But in the end what came out is a wonderful habit that has sustained the test of time.
And as always, give yourself the permission to fail, but never the permission to quit. If one thing did not work, just move on to figure something else that does.
The 2-Minute Action Plan for Fine Parents
If you just read and do nothing about it, nothing will ever change. We are in this journey together to break some of old habits and create some new ones. All the articles will include some kind of an action plan to keep us on track. To get the best out of the time you spend on this blog, try consciously to take some action (it need not be something I list, but as long you do take some action that helps you make progress, it’s all good!).
So, today’s immediate action plan is to answer some of these quick questions –
- What is the one contentious situation that plays out over and over in your house?
- Why does your child do this? Can you accommodate your child’s wishes in some way? (Remember, even partially accommodating them is better than total rejection.)
- How can you prevent this situation from playing out the next time?
You don’t have to answer these questions out loud… they are here to get your thought process started. That said, I do find that for me, personally, putting things down in writing really helps clarify a situation. So, I would highly recommend you see if that works for you too. Jot your answers down in the comment box below and it may result in a revelation not just for yourself, but for some of us as well! What you write here not only makes your thoughts more concrete and attaches some kind of accountability, but also has the power to influence others who read it. So, go ahead, give it a try.
The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents
Through the little exercise above, you may have identified the one situation that causes the most stress in your household. Or maybe you came up with a list of several. If it is the latter, then pick one instance. At the beginning it’s much easier to make progress and succeed if you focus your attention on just one situation. After you tackle one, it will be a lot easier to get to the others.
If you don’t have any situations like this – either you are really doing great already, or need to keep looking. If it the former, Congratulations! Keep on doing what you are already doing. And drop a note below with tips on how you have achieved it – we will all be very thankful to learn from you! If it is the latter, make sure you have looked at all aspects of your daily life – eg., bedtime battles, sibling rivalry, the morning routine, chores, spending habits, screen time (TV/Internet/video games etc), time with friends, healthy eating habits, homework, etc.
Spend the next week to figure out a way to avoid this one situation. Get creative. Try different options.
I promise you, if you approach it wholeheartedly and with a strong resolve, the situation will start to melt away right before your eyes. Preventing power struggles with kids isn’t as hard as we think! Good luck!
When I’m rushed. This applies to many contexts. If I allow ample time for life, for travel, we are at peace.
When I’m tired. If I sleep well I’m calm and so is my daughter.
Hi Julie! Thanks for the comment.
Those are some of the big ones for me as well! I’m consciously trying to control these now. For instance, I wake up a little earlier and give myself enough time for a nice, long shower before facing the day. We try to get our daughter in bed earlier so we can wake her up a little earlier, so she does not feel rushed in the morning either. We’ve been trying this with everything else we do as well, relying heavily on the “alarm” feature of the phone to give us advance warning. We are doing reasonably well with that. About not getting enough sleep, sadly, I haven’t been doing as well. I have a plugin called “StayFocused” for chrome which boots me off the Internet at 10:45pm, but several days a week I “cheat” by either switching to IE or chrome-incognito to continue working/browsing 🙁
What are your plans to address these issues so you can prevent getting mad at your daughter? Please do share if you use any tricks or have any tips, so we can borrow/steal/learn from each other 😉
Mine is ALWAYS my son sitting at the table to eat, usually when hes playing a video game. He wants to bring his DS/tablet/my phone to the table with him. Im ashamed to admit i’ve let him a few times to avoid a tantrum and it just gets in the way or i end up feeding him whilst he plays (which i can see in my head must look utterly ridiculous).
I dont think its something i can compromise on but maybe i can try forewarning him so he knows its coming. Ive tried getting him to play with other things or do other things but due to his special needs hes quite set in his ways. Maybe i should just put my foot down and not give him the option of playing games as i think i give in to him a bit too much to avoid the melt downs.
Hi Michelle, Thanks for sharing your story!
First of all, there is nothing ridiculous about your situation. We’ve all given in at some point or the other to prevent a tantrum…. parents are humans too, and well, some times we’d trade our right arm for some peace and quiet. That’s that. 🙂
That said, studies have shown that technology/screen time during mealtimes can result in unhealthy relationship with food as the kids grow up. Also, studies have shown that family meal times where everyone eats together has huge beneficial effects – from how well kids do in school, to surviving peer pressure to staying off of drugs etc. So, it may be a good idea to wean off the DS/tablet/phone habit while eating.
My daughter used to watch the laptop while eating dinner… it was just so much easier to get her to sit still when something was playing…. and I didn’t think much of it, since I always put something “educational” for her to watch. We have since weaned her off that habit… it took a lot of planning and experimenting with different things (I first read for her while she ate instead of letting her watch TV, and then slowly moved on to eating with her while playing word games and so on.) and yes, there were objections but I stayed committed to the “TV after dinner” rule and did my best to be compassionate and gentle while enforcing it…. and well, it has worked out.
Good luck to you in handling the situation — stay committed and it will all work out in the end!
We used to let our kids have their tablets at dinner time also. (And we’d have the TV on a cooking show for the adults!) We recently implemented a device free dinner for all of us and it’s going great! There were some growing pains at first, but the results have been amazing. I printed off a list of questions to ask around the table if we get stuck on what to talk about, which really helps. (If you could visit anywhere in the world, where would you go? What’s something you did today to fill someone’s bucket? What characteristics make a good parent? A good kid? etc.) I’ve noticed that it’s allowed our kids to be more creative with their play also. Though they ask for their devices right after dinner, we don’t give them to them. We let them play with each other and get some energy out. We also rough house with them after dinner to get some good quality time in, chasing each other around the house and having pillow fights. Our youngest doesn’t get her tablet back until the next day. Our oldest gets a little bit of time on his after his sister goes to bed. What a difference device free dinners have made! I’d recommend it to everyone!
Hi Sumitha! I feel lucky mu daughter and our weather is not that complicated. But I agree on giving the kids some control and hence being given the feeling of importance. I am much more patient in doing this and convincing my girl on something but my wife is on the impatient side- and uses the authoritarian style. Haha. But being open-minded, we both get to balance the parenting style halfway.
Hi Rob! So nice to see you here… Thanks for taking the time to share a comment!
Yeah, giving kids control, without losing all ours, is key. I’m learning (mostly by trial and error ;)) the fine art of letting go without turning into a doormat – there is a fine line in putting them in charge while still keeping enough authority to set up and enforce boundaries. It’s more error than not at this point, but I’m beginning see things working out… not just in the outfit department, but in a lot of other situations as well! Good luck, to both of us on this fine journey! 🙂
Hi Sumitha,
I look forward to your blog entries. The biggest thing for us is as Julie said–being rushed. We–I–have a bad habit of running late for too many things. I do as much as I can in “prep”–the outfits, as you mention in this post, her lunches, snacks, whatever she needs. We both tend to “lollygag” too much. I don’t like her being rushed out the door for school so I find when I am up earlier, I can help her and even though I may feel that she should be able to get ready, and this includes the nighttime routine, which can actually be worse, it’s just easier and less yelling for both of us. I try to carve out scheduled time for this, that and the other, get dinner on time, clean up and shower/bed by a certain time (for her and for me). It doesn’t always work and I often beat myself up for getting sidetracked or running late but I am working on it–that’s why I subscribed to your blog! 🙂
I had to laugh about your app for shutting down the Internet. I thought of getting one for her iPad games and for my laptop but then I found out you wouldn’t be able to delete it. I’ll have to work on self-discipline. 🙂
Hi Bernadette, I learned a cute new word from you today – thanks! I had to actually look up “lollygag” and its something we do a lot around here too… I’m pretty sure my daughter will get a few “quit lollygagging” directives soon and I can almost see just how funny she’ll think that sounds and how much more we will giggle and lollygag after that 🙂
On a more serious note, I think there is not much harm in lollygagging and idling *as long as you have consciously built in time for it in your schedule*…. these are great opportunities to connect with the kids and lighten up the busyness of certain routines (eg. getting out the door in the morning, getting dinner ready at the end of a busy day and so on). Like everything, there are two faces to this coin — done unconsciously, it can result in a lot of wasted time making you more rushed, whereas done consciously and moderately, it can ease up some of the stress that unintentionally builds up throughout the course of the day.
And thanks for subscribing! I hope the one thing you will take away (through the course of the weeks that follow) is that on this parenting journey we will have some glorious moments, and we will have some not so proud ones (no matter how well prepared you are)… rather than beating yourself up when you fail, pat yourself on your back for your little successes, and journey becomes so much more enjoyable and the successes will come in more easily.
Take care! Wishing you the best and hoping to continue “talking” to you more in the future comments… 🙂
I had this same problem and sometimes still do! What I started doing to avoid the dramatic meltdowns in the morning, (and yes, they are very DRAMATIC) I bought a hanging vertical cloth organizer with 7 different pockets. Each pocket is labeled Monday – Friday and the last two pockets are reserved for bows/ hairbands and the bottom pocket is a shoe holder. Every Sunday afternoon we pick clothes out based on what the upcoming weekly schedule holds. If gym is on Wed/ Fri. we know these days we have to have tennis shoes. I let her pick out 5 pairs of panties, 5 leggings/shorts, 5 shirts and 5 pairs of socks. We then match outfits together until we are both happy with the outfit she feels she put together. Then we get bows /hairbands together for the outfits and we pick 3 pairs of shoes that she can choose from for that week. We do this Sunday afternoon b/c if we wait too late in the evening then we are both tired and i may just skip it all together. Mornings are a breeze bc she can just pull all the clothes out from her organizer for the assigned day, get her bow and pick her shoes and she’s ready! It’s been a relief in the mornings since I started doing this. Here is what the organizer looks similar too.http://www.landofnod.com/pink-11-x-48-wide-hanging-canvas-organizer/s273069?a=1081&device=c&network=g&matchtype=&gclid=CJy08KasnLoCFXBo7AodZ0wAiw
That’s a neat trick, Jennifer. Thanks for sharing!
Did you have any trouble getting this routine going? I am curious to see if you ever had a situation where your daughter picks something on Sunday afternoon, but decides later in the week, say Thursday that she doesn’t want to wear what she had picked out earlier (“I don’t want to wear shorts today. All my friends wore cute skirts yesterday, so I want to wear a my new skirt with shiny buttons today”). If so, how did you handle it?
Oh my god, i feel like I have a whole list of things that I need to work on and if one thing to choose to fix first, it would be screen time for my child. While the child is delightful, bright, considerate I find addictive qualities (can’t tell if he is passionate or plain addicted to screen time) and trying to enforce self monitoring in spite of having temptations has been a very difficult thing to do at our house. I oscillate between enforcing by locking up iPads, iphones, laptops, TV versus giving him the freedom to choose and be able to stop when it is time to transition into homework, playtime, sleep routines or morning routines. Any advice. What works for a few days starts failing soon and I have to come up with a new plan and it is exhaustive. I would like solutions that work without completely removing pleasure activities. How can I use it as a reward system instead of making it a punitive thing. Any advice is appreciated.
Thanks for sharing, Sajani. I am not expert on parenting, so I can’t advice, but here is something that worked for us. My daughter had the habit of watching TV episodes on laptop while eating her lunch/dinner. Here’s what we ended up doing to wean her off that habit – maybe something along these lines with appropriate alterations will work for you?
– We transitioned her from “TV during dinner” to “TV after dinner”. We started the transition right after a trip, when all our old routines were disrupted anyway.
– She complained and refused to eat. But unless she finished eating within the stipulated time, no TV. We had a couple of days of monster meltdowns, but we held fast. The key is that we tried to “be on her side” by trying to help her get her dinner done by the stipulated time. I even gave her less food, and her favorite foods during those days to make the transition easier.
– After dinner, she got to eat fruits while watching TV.
– We use netflix on the laptop, so it runs for a fixed 20 – 30 minutes (depending on what show she is watching). When the episode is done, laptop is switched off. At first there was some fuss, but eventually we came out with the rule that if she fussed after she’s done watching laptop, then no laptop the next day.
– We stuck to our rules no matter what.
I’ll be honest, the transition was not easy. But it worked. And now, when her episode is done, she will switch off the laptop herself. She never asks for laptop other than the stipulated time. If she wants to watch a movie instead of TV episodes, she even sets the oven timer to beep at 20 minutes (her idea!!!).
I remember thinking something like this would be impossible in our house, and yet, here we are. If you stay committed to the change and stick through the first few days, it is possible! I am putting together a challenge series for building some of these habits. It will begin on the Monday after Mother’s day. I would urge you to try it with us…. taking a challenge with a bigger community with everyone struggling with similar issues, sure helps to stay committed when the going is tough!
I’m new here, but I am loving this blog!
My biggest challenge is potty control. My daughter is nearly 4. She’s been potty training since she was 3. She will have weeks with no accidents and then go several days in a row with multiple “accidents” each day. If I remind her to potty, it often results in a struggle. If I use a potty timer, it works for a little while and then it has zero effect and–you guessed it–results in a struggle. I know that many people will probably think “she’s just not ready.” But I don’t think that’s the issue – I think potty is a control thing with my daughter. We also have a new baby, so I’m sure this is a contributing factor, but this pattern was going on before the baby arrived.
Any suggestions on how to overcome this power struggle?
Thanks!
Danielle
Thanks for your kind words, Danielle!
So sorry to hear your potty training story 🙁 We had a phase when my daughter would refuse to go potty before we left home and then while we were out she’d tell at the very last minute that she needed to go, and before I could find a restroom, she’d invariably end up with an accident. We’d both be embarrassed and upset and it was very frustrating. When I asked her to go potty before heading out, she’d adamantly refuse and say she didn’t need to go.
One day, when she had an accident, we were in a very public place and I took a deep breath and said, “I know it is embarrassing, but it’s not a big deal. Every single one of us had accidents when we were kids until we learnt how to be grownups. Let’s go clean up”. Somehow something about that clicked. Next time before heading out, I went potty first and casually told her “You know, that’s what most of us grown ups do so we don’t have to worry about looking for a potty while we are out”. She just followed suit. Eventually, things fell in place.
I’d say figure out one emotion she feels when she does have an accident and connect with her kindly and emphatically… it may take longer this way, but nobody stays in diapers into their teens… when we overcome our anxiety, their is need for a power struggle fizzles away.
Good luck!
Sumita I must say that’s an excellent idea. U r really very patient. Wish I could b half as patient as u r. My home would have a totally different atmosphere.
Our kids have grown into great adults, but when they were young, I remember the company I was working for sponsoring a class on making good decisions. The speaker had made a lot of good points, but I sensed there was something deeper that she didn’t tell the class. When she finished, I asked for a few minutes of her time. She agreed, which is when I asked her what brought her to the point where she was speaking about making good decisions. She told me that after her son killed himself, she realized she spent so much time teaching him about so many things, but never really thought about teaching him about how to make good. That hit home with me because a our kids were young and we were making just about every decision for them. After that presentation, we started finding ways to have the kids make more decisions. We guided them, but they were empowered to make most of their own decisions (within reason, of course). If something was off, we made suggestions to guide them into other options they could consider. Decisions involving safety always had our attention, but generally, if they asked us about something, we said something like “what do you think you should do?”. Based on their answers, we might say “ok, can you think of any other options? … What about..?” and see where things went from there.
We also explained trust to them and why it was important for them to be honest with us, no matter how hard that might be. We’re on their side afterall and will always want what’s best for them. Once they understood this, we entrusted them with more responsibilities and freedoms (like video games, tv, or cell phones).
Your Father-in-Law was basically recommending the same thing by including your daughter in the decision-making. The bottom line for us was to have our kids to believe in themselves (confidence), try to make good decisions (and in many cases explain their reasoning), consider their options and consequences, and think of others when making their decisions. I can’t say this would work for every child, but it worked well for ours.
Wow, Brooster… Thank you so much for sharing that!
My daughter is young (5 years old now) and we are trying to teach her to make her own decisions…. but like most things worth doing, it takes a lot of effort. And it is more than tempting at times to just give her a solution rather than watch her fumble through her choices. This comment is exactly what I needed to read at this point in my life. Thank you!!!
I hope when my daughter is as old as your kids, I can feel as much at peace as you seem to be in your role in their lives. Best wishes to you to stay that way for a long time to come!
Your welcome Sumitha. You’ll do GREAT because it’s obvious you care and you love your daughter. When you do your best you almost can’t help but to be at peace with yourself and your decisions. That’s not to say we haven’t made our share of mistakes, but if it made sense and we felt our kids could understand the lesson, we used those as teachable moments for us all.
My Mom has a saying I really found to be true when my wife and I became parents: “The days are long, but the years are short”.
Thank you for your kind words! Good luck, let your little girl enjoy her childhood, don’t beat yourself up when things don’t go the way you hoped, and most of all, enjoy the journey!
Thanks, Brooster.
Your mom was one wise woman! And she raised her son right too 🙂
P.S: If you’d ever like to write an article for this site (like this one) based on some specific experiences you’ve had as a parent, I’d be more than honored to publish it! I can work with you on editing/polishing the story to get it ready for the blog — let me know.
Take care.
The morning is always a drag for us. I have three children to get ready and get out the door plus myself, and I tend to let them sleep until the last minute and then rush them out the door. This morning my son refused to let me change his clothes so I just left the old ones on him and took a bag with fresh clothes to the sitter. When he wants something, he doesn’t ever give up.
Thank your for the post. It’s really great advise. Our problem is poop nappy change. It’s always always a struggle. He mostly passes poop in the morning I try my best not to him dressed before it happens but then we are left with very little time to leave the house. When I try to get him to change he would start screaming no no no I try to bribe him (sorry but I have an eleven month who is usually napping) and even though he would accept the bribe and go willingly to be changed he still screams and shouts his lungs off while I’m changing him. I am always worried he gets a rash because of the soiled diaper but honestly having to accept the screams while my I’m changing poop and washing his bum is too much