A Fine Parent

A Life Skills Blog Exclusively For Parents

How to Stop Yelling at Children Once and for All

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(This article is part of the Stop Yelling at Kids series. Get free article updates here.)

Yelling at Children - Main ImageYou are doing it again!

Yelling at your children over big things, little things, and all things in between.

But why?

Why do we parents feel the need to yell when our point isn’t getting across?

Why do we have to resort to screaming to get our kids’ attention?

The reality is—we don’t have to. We are making rash decisions in difficult moments that are teaching our children bad habits.

Janet Lehman, a veteran social worker who she specializes in child behavior issues says:

“When chronic screaming becomes the norm, children are also apt to think it’s okay for them to scream all the time, too. You’re teaching your kids that screaming is a suitable response when you’re frustrated or overwhelmed. It doesn’t teach anything positive, just that life is out of control—and emotionally, you’re out of control.”

Wow—that hits home!

Believe me, I am not judging.

I was (probably) the world’s worst about yelling when my kids did something wrong, wouldn’t listen, talk back, seemed defiant — the list could go on and on.

I was a chronic yeller.

But I had a terrible wake up call when I ended up in the middle of a feud that happened in my extended family. Though this person was totally out of line when making accusatory statements, one thing that was said to me was, “Well you’re a horrible mother because I’ve heard you yell a lot!”

Ouch!

What could I say? “No, I’m not a horrible mother! I am just human”? But I did yell a lot!

[Read more…]

How Not to Let a Known, Psychological Phenomenon Keep You From Becoming a Great Parent

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(This article is part of the Stop Yelling at Kids series. Get free article updates here.)

The moment you are ready to quit is usually the moment right before a miracle happens.If you’ve ever made a conscious effort to become a gentle, positive parent, I can bet you’ve had a situation like this at some point…

You start out with good intention, you resolve to practice restraint and pledge to persist in the face of whatever circumstances (and your kids!) throw your way.

And you do good… you are gentle, patient and calm most of the time, and happily connecting with your kids for several days.

And then in a moment of tired overwhelm you let your guard down and let things get to you. You snap at your kids. They get upset and lash back. The situation starts to slip and slide right before your eyes. Before you know what hit you, things spin completely out of control.

You go to bed that night seething and simmering; filled with anger, guilt or shame (heck, maybe even all three of them!). You wake up the next day feeling like you have a little less energy.  Somehow, that morning you find it a lot harder to stay patient or practice restraint. Trying to prevent an explosive situation from occurring in the first place feels like too much work. And you let loose a lot more easily compared to just the previous day, before that one moment of weakness that somehow flushed days of hard work and progress down the toilet.

Isn’t it incredibly sad how easily a concerted effort for change can be sabotaged by a mere moment of weakness?

Introducing The “What the Hell” effect

There’s a silver lining to this dark cloud though. You are not the only one facing this, and there is a way out.

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How to Keep Yourself From Yelling at Kids Even When You are Hopping Mad

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(This article is part of the Stop Yelling at Kids series. Get free article updates here.)

Ever tried to keep yourself from yelling at kids when you’re really, really mad?

Having good intention is one thing, reality is quite another.

You can think all you want that the next time your kids provoke you, you will not react angrily no matter how mad you are. But seriously, when you are really mad, can you even think straight, let alone control your reaction?

The devil is in the details.

Unless you have a solid plan of action under your sleeve, you will probably just end up yelling at your kids, feeling guilty, possibly apologizing and then repeating the whole behavior all over again.

If anything, that just erodes your connection with your kids further. That’s certainly not what we are going after here.

If you really want to give your good intentions a fighting chance of success and ensure that you will indeed not yell at your kids no matter how mad you are, you need to act now.

Assuming you are not angry at the moment, now is the time to decide how you will respond at a later time when you are angry. Making a list of possible responses and then reaching out to your pre-committed choices when you are angry substantially increases your chances of success. There is a whole body of research to support this.

[Read more…]

How a Simple Tip From My Father-in-Law Helped Me Avoid a Recurring Power Struggle

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(This article is part of the Stop Yelling at Kids series. Get free article updates here.)

Preventing power struggles with kids: An Ounce of Prevention is Worth a Pound of CureEver get a feeling your days are starting to look like a scene out of a bad reality show?

I remember a time when every morning felt like that!

My daughter was just about 3 years old then.

My in-laws were visiting us.

I have no idea why, but my daughter had started to really act out. She seemed to resist, fight and demand that everything must go her way. But the mother of all battles was about what clothes to wear. Every. single. morning.

Summer was long gone, and the cold winter was settling in. But she was not ready to give up her favorite summer frocks yet. She had declared war on every coat, jacket, leggings, full-sleeved shirts or winter dresses that we owned. NOT fun.

After a couple of weeks of begging, pleading, bribing, screaming, crying, tantrums and threats – every single morning – we were all worn out.

To me this was a double whammy. I was not just frustrated with my inability to dress her up in weather appropriate clothing, I was also eternally embarrassed about the daily spectacle that my in-laws got to witness.

And then one day, my father-in-law had a suggestion.

Now honestly, I can be a butt-head about accepting advice, especially from in-laws, especially if I felt that it questions my parenting abilities.

But seriously, I had no defense – any semblance of my parenting capabilities lay tattered on the floor and besides, my father-in-law is the sweetest man in the world. [Read more…]

The First Step In the Journey to Scream-Free Parenting Is…

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(This article is part of the Stop Yelling at Kids series. Get free article updates here.)

Understanding Why We Yell at Our KidsEver wonder why we nag or scream at our kids so much? Have you ever really tried to get to the bottom of it?

I was (on occasion, still am) quite possibly one of the most impatient people on the planet. As far back as I can remember, I’d snap and lash out at the slightest provocation.

When my daughter was born, I knew I had to change. As she grew up and started to show us that her personality constituted of multiplied stubbornness from both sides of the family, I knew I really had no choice in this matter.

I have tried several times to quit out of the nag/scream/yell/boss-around habit.

Most often, what would happen is, I would be patient for a few days. My daughter would see it as a sign that I am softening up and would try to push the boundaries. I’d start nagging in an attempt to improve her behavior. This wouldn’t get me too far. And then one day, without much warning, I’d just explode.

We would both end up so drained after one of these episodes.

Obviously, my attempts to break my nagging/screaming/yelling habit were not panning out the way I wanted them to. But I didn’t want to give up just yet.

[Read more…]