Think of one of those crappy days you sometimes have – one of those days where nothing goes right – your to-do list keeps getting longer instead of shorter, deadlines get pushed in instead of out, everybody you meet seems set on driving you nuts… the works.
The only thing that keeps you from flipping the moron who cut you off in the crawling traffic on the way home, is the thought of your favorite ice cream waiting for you in your freezer.
Ah, the cool, creamy, deliciousness!
When you get home, you head straight for the freezer. As you are about to get that long awaited spoon of solution-to-everything-goodness into your mouth, your spouse walks in and shouts “No! What do you think you are doing? You can’t have ice cream now — it’s almost time for dinner! Put that right back!”
Your reaction would be to –
a) Show eternal gratitude towards your spouse for caring so much about you
b) Pick up the biggest darned fight that would make Attila the Hun proud.
You know where I am going with this.
As parents we get so wrapped up in raising our kids right, that we forget to treat our kids right.
We forget that they are little people who go through ups and downs in their day, who have feelings and get frustrated and exasperated just like we do. And we talk to them in a way that would never be acceptable for a spouse/boss/friend to talk to us.
As fine parents in the making, shouldn’t we be looking for nicer ways to say “no”?
Well, here are 20 different ways to say “no” so they don’t even realize you’re saying a no.
I will use the simple scenario that it’s almost supper time, and my daughter wants M&Ms and I need to say “no”. Keep in mind, that this is just an example scenario and these tactics should work equally well for other circumstances too.
And last but not the least, lest you think I am the superwoman of patient communication…. I did not come up with any of these… I just put them together into a list 🙂
OK, here we go.
1. Agree
Sure, honey. As soon as you finish dinner you can have some M&Ms.
You are essentially saying “No M&M’s before dinner!”, but the packaging is different. I have to warn you though, this may not work all the time. If you get an emphatic “No, I want it RIGHT NOW!” or the ultra-whiny “Now, mama, pleeeeeeeaaaaase”, it’s time to move on to other options.
2. Offer a choice
M&Ms will ruin your appetite if you eat them before dinner, but it looks like you really have a craving for M&M. Tell you what, you can either have 1 M&M now, or 4 after dinner. Choose.
If I had not tried this, I wouldn’t have believed it. Seriously!
It works so well with my daughter (touch wood) that I just have to say “1 now or 4 later” these days and she will choose depending on how badly she wants it. She’s even made a game out of it… if she chooses to have just 1 M&M, its a “no looking M&M” which means I close my eyes as I take out the M&M from the pack, and we guess which color it might be (I literally give her 1 M&M – I used to feel so bad the first few times, but if something works, I have learnt to let it ride 🙂 ). If she chooses to wait, then she gets “all different colors”. She knows she is supposed to get only 4 but then I pretend that I forgot to count and give her 5 or 6 – gets happy giggles every single time (Trivia fact: In a regular pack of M&M’s there are exactly 6 colors).
3. Offer an alternative
You’ve already had M&M’s in the morning today… How about some berries instead?
Of course the alternative you choose better be comparable (in your child’s mind) to the option that you are denying. My daughter would definitely love to have M&Ms, but if she knows that she just isn’t going to get them, then she will happily settle for berries or baby carrots, instead of risking not getting any snack.
4. Distract
Hey, look the squirrel is back. Boy, we haven’t seen him in a long time. What was his name again?… Where do you think blueberry (the squirrel’s name, apparently) went all these day?… and so on until M&Ms are forgotten
This is probably the easiest trick in the book, but sadly, it has an expiry date on it. It doesn’t work as well now (my daughter is 5) as it did when she was 3. But if we are driving I still use this technique to switch her attention to something interesting on the sides of the street (eg., “I spy pink balloons up ahead….”) and it still works. At home, where the distractions are not that fascinating, it’s a bit harder.
5. Get playful
[Making a monster face and claws and chasing her around the house] Who said they wanted M&M before dinner? I’m going to eat up kids that want M&Ms before dinner….
This one is a little risky for this example. Just before dinner, if I get her all perked up by running around, it’s hard to get her to sit down for dinner (even if she decides to forget about the M&Ms). But this does work in other situations…
6. What would <> do?
I wonder what Jack and Annie would do if they want to eat M&Ms before dinner but their mom wouldn’t let them.
The magic treehouse series of books are quite popular in our house. And this will take the conversation is so many different directions that she almost forgets to insist on having those M&Ms. A variant of this that I used (a lot!) when she was younger was “What would mama bear say if brother and sister bear wanted M&Ms before dinner?” a riff off of Berenstain Bears series. Somehow it’s easier for her to accept the “rules” when Mama bear makes them than if her own mama does. Oh, well, as long as it works!
7. Enlist “help” from authority figures
Hmmmm…. I don’t think we can eat M&Ms before dinner, baby. Tell you what, next time we go to see Dr. X we can ask her about it. Remind me, OK?
Depending on what it is in question, I have invoked her doctor, her dentist, her teachers and even her 10 years old cousin!
8. If you can’t beat them, join them!
I know! I so want some M&Ms too…. How I wish the rule about not eating candy before dinner did not exist!
We both make sad faces and then console each other about the heartless rule and move on. Sometimes, it really is that simple.
9. Call on imagination
You know I can’t give you real M&Ms before dinner. How about some pretend M&Ms? I could give you twenty of them. You want one hundred? Alright here’s a million, zillion of it…
The cool thing about being a 5 years old is (a) they know the concept of pretend and for some reason think it’s way cool to pretend to do something and (b) they love numbers and more the “big” numbers you say, more the satisfaction it brings 🙂
10. Write an I O U for it
OK, here. Let me write (or, “You write” if your child can) a note that Mama will give you 4 M&Ms after dinner.
Deviating a little from our M&M example, I actually once wrote on a post-it “I O U some frozen yogurt” on a cold winter day and she hung on to it and checked the weather each day and “claimed” it after almost a week when it was little warmer outside!
11. Give it to her, but not let her eat it
Ok, here are 4 M&M’s on a plate. I am going to set it right here so you can keep an eye on it. Tell me as soon as your dinner is done, and I will give it to you.
This is my husband’s preferred technique. For some reason, it works very well when he does it, but it almost never works when I try it! I guess she’s figured out that mama is a softie, and if she just whines/begs/demands just a little more, I’ll crumble. Sigh!
12. Remind her of prior infraction
Remember last time you ate M&Ms before dinner and you couldn’t finish your dinner and mama got mad at you?
This is something I try not to use. Reminding her of a prior incident usually puts her in a foul mood. But hey….
13. Remind her of consequences from a related fiction story
If you eat M&Ms and then chapathi and vegetables, and then the yogurt, and then berries, you might get a tummy ache. Remember what happened to the hungry caterpillar?
That was not a very good example, but I wanted to stick with the example scenario. This technique does work beautifully when she asks for multiple treats though… example, she has just eaten M&Ms and wants gummy bears next.
14. Appeal to the logical part of her
Uh,oh. You know what happens when you eat M&Ms before dinner? It will filllllll up your tummy. And when your tummy is full, you cannot eat dinner well. And if you do not eat dinner well, you will not become a big girl like M.
M. is her 10 year old cousin I mentioned earlier. She is big enough to do all the cool things that my daughter can’t do, but small enough that she doesn’t behave like the weird grownups 😉 My daughter would give anything to be as old as M. — might as well put that to some use, right?
15. Make her say “no!”
Hey, it looks like you are hungry! I think it’s time to send all the dollies home and go for dinner.
If there is still some time for dinner but not so much that she can eat a snack without ruining her appetite, I will turn her request on her. Yep, I am pretty heartless that way.
16. Let someone else break the rules
You know I can’t give you any M&Ms before dinner. Only grandmas sometimes give M&Ms before dinner. Next time we go to grandma’s house, you can ask her to give you all the M&Ms you want before dinner, OK?
My mother-in-law loves to spoil my daughter. She will give her M&Ms before, during and after dinner – all my daughter has to do is ask! Since I cannot change that, I may as well milk it for what it’s worth, right? Of course, it helps that Grandma’s place happens to be a couple of thousand miles away and she goes there only once every 2 years. So this may not work for everyone, but I’m sure you will figure out an alternative.
17. Look it up
I don’t think we can eat M&Ms before dinner Sweetie. Lets look it up.
As long as they can’t read, you can look up anything about anything in anything (dictionary, recipe book, an old diary etc.) and make up any rules. Somehow, when it comes from a published book, it has more value than what mama or dada have to say. I know this isn’t exactly “positive parenting” and bluffing isn’t the way to go… but hey, if you are at your wits end and have no energy for anything else, I would any day choose bluffing that outright denying something and getting into power struggles. One more thing — this is another one with an expiry date and doesn’t work anymore in our household… my daughter’s learnt to read 🙂
18. Sing it
“The N says No… The N says No… Every letter makes a sound, the N says ‘No M&Ms before dinner’”
She must have been ~3 years old then. One day, I just sang the tune from the LeapFrog Letter Factory which used to be one of her favorite DVDs to watch. When I sang the first “N says No”, she looked at me wondering what was going on until I tacked on the “… M&Ms before dinner” part at the end. She was surprised and thrilled that I “made up a song” and she wanted to do the same. So we continued singing the rest of the song adding silly (often meaningless) phrases at the end. And before long, M&Ms were all but forgotten. Phew, another tantrum avoided. And for those of you astute enough to notice, apparently, singing silly “no” songs is not as devastatingly negative as saying “no” 🙂
19. Put her in charge
That makes two of you! I just heard Jenny (her doll) say she wants M&Ms too. Can you tell Jenny why she can’t have M&Ms?
Depending on the mood, this will either fall flat or provide you a lot of entertainment (and great insight into the impact of your parenting style on your child). I have seen Jenny being cuddled and gently explained to, given a lecture in harsh tones and even stuff taken from as punishment. Sigh, I still have a long way to go on this journey 🙁
20. Use a Sign
And the sign says, “Not OK”. Oh, bummer!
The idea is simple. Make two signs saying OK or NOT OK, preferably as an “art project” where the child helps create the sign board. When there is a contentious request, just use the sign to let her know that it is not OK. And be sure to put the sign in an accessible place, so she can use it to say she is not OK doing something you request of her. The only way this technique can be successful is if it a two-way signal!
Obviously, we didn’t have so many situations where I had to deny M&M’s but these are the different techniques that I’ve at least tried to use under different circumstances when I’ve had to say “no!” and most of them are flexible enough to work under any conditions.
The 2-Minute Action Plan for Fine Parents
Take the next 2-minutes to do a simple exercise. Pick one short time period you spent with your kid(s) (eg., today morning before sending them off to school, last night before putting them to bed etc).
- How many times did you say “no” in that period?
- Pick one of the incidents where you said no and think of how many different ways you can avoid saying “no” directly.
I would love to read your answers in the comments section below — after writing that long post, reading someone else’s scenario sounds so nice :). And, if you have some new ways to say “no”, then I am all the more interested!
The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents
Over the next week, make a conscious attempt to make these alternatives to “no” a part of your vocabulary. The aim is to integrate them into your natural language so you can automatically defuse situations in the future with the least effort no matter what the circumstances are!
Good strategies that apply to a whole range of situations!
Thanks, yogamom! Yep, many of these work just as well with a demanding boss or a haggling customer 🙂
haha “I’m going to eat bosses that want me to work all weekend!”
Thanks Sumitha. I love reading your articles which resonate with me and our Indian household. I appreciate the confession tone that you add to the blog reminding me that I am miles away from being a fine parent:)
I’m not perfect with this but have been pretty good about it for the most part. As in your last blog entry Sumitha, it’s how you address it and the reason/explanation behind it. My daughter knows that on school days there is a limit to what, how much and when (if) she gets any treat; on weekends we still have a (late/time) limit but it’s slightly more lax.
I read something a few years ago that helped me when shopping for other kids’ birthdays or someone getting a gift that my daughter also said she wanted (“want” is an outlawed word in our house as well–there are no severe side effects to using the word but I don’t care for it, depending upon how it’s used; screaming children yelling “I want” makes me cringe); instead of telling her no outright, I tell her to add it to her list for Christmas or we will make a note that it is something she’d like for her birthday and that we are currently shopping for someone else’s special day or occasion. If it’s staying up later, watching a movie, going somewhere, I tell her “not today” or whatever the case may be with a reason behind it. She can add it to her list of things to purchase/places to go/things to do, etc.
No one likes to be told “no” all the time, even adults. I think you have to be firm with kids but I also believe that they are little people that need to learn and receive respect as well as give it. Mutual respect and understanding/communication. 🙂
Bernadette, thanks again for the wonderful comment! Adding things that kids want, but can’t have immediately to a wish list is a *very* nice (and humane) way of denying something IMO. Thanks for bringing it up!
Last year my daughter had a running birthday list 🙂 It was her 5th birthday, so we had said she could have 5 items on the list. If she wanted to add more, she would have to take one off. It was amazing to watch her work through the list and prioritizing what she actually wanted! I think the key is to keep your word. Since she did eventually get the final items on her list, she’s much better now with putting things off instead of demanding that we buy it for her right away. We haven’t had the need to start a birthday list this year yet, though she’s asked me on a few occasions if she can have something that I denied on her birthday.
It’s amazing right, to watch how they learn to deal with some of the things that even we grapple at times as adults?
I love reading your work. I really feel I need to work on my patience level.
I remember using the option to distract my younger one with changing the topic. When he was barely 5, he would reply ‘oh well! I guess you want to change the topic to distract me. I get it’. So much for distracting him 🙂
Thanks for your kind words, Kanaka!
And that’s one smart kid you have 🙂 The thing with smart kids is they can catch you on some of the tricks and techniques you try, making you work a lot harder as a parent. That said, if you manage to find even one or two ways to actually get through to them, life becomes infinitely simpler and so much more rewarding! Good luck!
I’ve actually used “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” as an example before too! When my son is asking for food that is not very healthy, I’ll point out that it’s junk food, and that if he eats too much junk, he might get a tummy ache; he usually chimes in with “just like the hungry caterpillar!” We use distraction a lot too: “Well, we can’t have any more M&Ms (or whatever) today, but we can have some dried fruit/a banana/some yogurt/etc. instead!) I’m going to have to remember some of those other ideas for the future.
I have been so stressed lately with myself. I have my children do “jobs” every morning. I have them do a list of a few things to get them to be responsible and do them by habit. I try not to yell or get mad or frustrated but more times than not thats what happens. I am alone most of the time so I feel it’s important for me and for them to expect them to do them. Any ideas for being more positive about the whole experience? They are ages 3 and 5. I need fun interacting ideas. Am i expecting too much?
Hi, Jennifer. No… you aren’t expecting too much. It is good for kids to have some responsibilities. It will serve them well when they grow up. It is the attitude with which we assign these responsibilities that matter…
Consider these 2 scenarios:
Scenario #1: Giving each child their responsibilities with respect, being patient along the way and explaining to them why they need to do these tasks in a way they can understand without making it stressful for them, making them see how everyone pitching in helps, giving grace and do-overs when they fail as they are still learning and supporting them as best as we can so they eventually succeed.
Scenario #2: We feel guilty about assigning them chores, try to do everything by ourselves, get stressed, feel secretly resentful of the amount of work we have to do while everyone else is playing/watching TV/chilling out etc., and then it all comes out in bursts in the form of yelling, snapping and punishing because we simply don’t have the energy left to guide or gently correct.
I think scenario #1 is any day better than scenario #2 by miles. With scenario #1, we not only teach kids responsibility but we also teach them respect, self-management, healthy ways of handling stressful situations, sense of accomplishment for a job well done, problem-solving skills, practical on-the-job-learning experience and so much more. And all of this while being able to bond and connect with them in a much more deeper level that will last through hardships life throws at us, their tumultuous teens, growing pains, college, etc.
So I think you are on the right track. You just have to be very clear to yourself about what you want and and where you want to be. From your comment, I suspect you may want scenario #1, but you may be stuck somewhere between scenario #1 and scenario #2? Make a conscious and intentional effort to move to scenario #1. Kids are amazingly resilient and smart. You can talk to them. So sit them down and have chats. Connect. Explain that if you work together and finish things, you will have time to play together. And then make it a point to squeeze out some time, even if it is just 10 minutes a day, to forget about everything else and enjoy playing together… delighting in each others presence and in those few minutes of completely unencumbered play time that you have all earned.
I have a few ideas here to make this a positive experience… not everything will work for everyone, but I think you will find a few that might work for your family’s specific needs…
101 Fun Things To Do With Kids To Enjoy Everyday Family Life
PS: Thank you for this wonderful question… it is seeing the commitment of parents like you that make me want to keep running this site 🙂
What a load of crap!
Be a parent and do your job of parenting instead of giving in.
No matter which of the 20 ideas you choose to use, the child is in control of the situation.
In real life, the child needs to understand that there will be times when “no” is the only answer.
kids that grow up thinking that they’ll always get their way are in for a rude awakening.
Today I was in line at Whole Foods and the person behind me had a child that was in a stroller. The child kept grabbing an item off the shelf next to him and throwing it on the floor. Each time not a word of “no” out of the parent’s mouth and the parent kept placing the item back on the shelf. She didn’t even move the stroller out of reach. After the 4th time the child grabbed the item (a container of donuts) and pulled the lid off. Again, the parent never directed the child to stop. The parent put the lid back on and placed the container back on the shelf. Now, unknowingly, a customer will purchase an item that has been tampered with.
As I said earlier, PARENTS, BE RESPONSIBLE AND START PARENTING!!!
James, I agree with your statement that “parents need to be responsible and start parenting”. Where we differ is that you equate parenting with “control” and some of us who believe in positive parenting equate it with “guidance”.
As you see, nowhere in the 20 scenarios do I allow my child to gorge on M&M’s before dinner. I just don’t see the need to snap at and be rude in the way I say no… as long as I keep my child from doing what they aren’t supposed to do, and teach them to do it for themselves in an age appropriate manner, I think it’s far more effective than me saying “NO!” rudely and the child not doing the thing out of fear while I am around and hatching plans to do it behind my back the first chance they get!
As for the mom in front of you, I am assuming the child was a toddler since he was in the stroller. His behavior was perfectly age appropriate. The mom seems to be still learning how to parent well. She did right by putting the item away… if she had just moved the child away from the situation and distracted the child so he didn’t repeat the behavior, that would be perfect. But then, we can’t all be perfect all the time. So cut the mom some slack. Next time, you are in the same situation, smile at the mom to acknowledge her effort, and distract the child by jangling your keys to make a loud interesting noise… you call all go back your own way after that feeling good inside.
You seem like someone who likes to think things through. Give it a thought… yes, our kids have to grow up to learn and face a lot of “no”s thrown their way as they grow up… do they really need to get it thrown at them by their loved ones as well? Can’t we find better, kinder, gentler ways to teach them what they need to learn? How would you like to be treated?
Sumitha, thank you for the answer to James. Many Dads feel control is needed in order to be a good dad, however, if he were to really think about the 20 suggestions given in the article he’d realize that in each one the parent is the person who has the control. And, it is okay to sometimes just say, “No. I’m sorry but the answer is still No.” Then, change the subject, walk away or distract with a hug. Kids that always get what they want learn early how to manipulate so remembering to be kind and firm while saying “No” is important.
Beautiful answers, both.
nice tips..
We live in times when parenting has become much more challenging than ever before. With the advancement of technology, there are many new innovative games, toys, smartphones etc., which children are tempted to buy. In such situations, most parents find it tough to say “ No” and relent in giving things to their children, which may not be age appropriate. Most parents do not want to face the wrath of their children when they don’t get what they want and thus in order to avoid facing this nightmare, they just relent and give in. for more please read https://www.smartwomanworld.com/how-to-say-no/
Years ago I read about changing no to yes. Yes, as soon as________
As soon as we eat dinner, as soon as I can get to the store to buy some, etc.
This could easily be combined with some of your suggestions, especially writing a note.
Love the “As soon as ______________” script, GA. Thanks for sharing!
Thanks for this. I am definitely going to try many of these with my 2.5 year old. 🙂
Just yesterday, we had an incident where he was throwing a huge tantrum to continue playing inside the car at dinner time. It was getting late and we had to push and pull him to get him in. But then, there was a huge hue and cry and we were clueless how to make him stop crying. He was spining on the floor like a top. All our techniques in terms of distracting him, trying to ask him which car he actually wanted to go and why and trying to actually connect with him was going in vain.
And suddenly our minds that sometimes surprises ourselves had another idea. My husband was holding on to him, and I tried to take him into my hands like a small infant is held, then I made up some game and threw him back playfully to my husband. Then he threw him back to me like a swing. Magincally, my son had begun laughing, infact he was giggling loudly. This exchange continued for ten to fifteen times and by that time I rememered something he liked to eat and diverted his attention to that. Thankfully, all about the car was forgotten by then. It did drain a lot of energy from us, but it worked without us scolding or shouting at him and saying no. Whew! The act seen from outised might have certainly looked funny!
OMG, that sounds like so much fun, Akhila! Go you for thinking of a playful way to diffuse the situation!
(Are you familiar with Dr. Cohen’s work? This kind of playful parenting is exactly what he recommends. He would have been so proud of how you handled this 😀)
🙂 Dr.Cohen, i think it does ring a bell. I will check out for sure. Thank you!