I’m going to be a parent until I die.

I realized this not too long ago, when my continuous attempts to stop worrying about my children brought no results. It’s not like I have nothing going on in my life. I do.

But there are days or nights when I suddenly wake up, knowing instinctively I need to make that call to either one of my grown-up kids.

A sniffling voice on the other end confirms that I did the right thing by calling.

“Aw mom, how did you know I was sick today?” my adult daughter asks me in a small kiddy voice. (Yes, really, a small kiddy voice.)

My heart melting, I simply say “I’m your mom. I just knew.”

I’m rewarded with a heartfelt “Love you mom.”

Then, try as I might, I can’t resist pitching across a quick home remedy. But she brushes off my concern with “I’m ok mom. Don’t worry so much. It’s just a cold.”

This time it’s the adult voice speaking. But she has allowed me a momentary flashback into her childhood and I’m happy. For the moment.

When my daughters grew up and left the house, the city and then the country Oman (in the Middle East) where we still live as expatriates, I thought my duties as a parent had ended. How wrong I was. I now realize I could never stop being a parent even if I tried.

My children and I are now in three different continents, but no matter how far they are, there is always this deep-rooted need within me to know they are safe. Then this niggling voice in my head keeps repeating ‘let go, let go, let go’ like an old record stuck on a scratchy groove.

Over the years, I have listened to this voice and conditioned myself to let go, bit by little bit, but I just cannot let go completely.

This need to hold on to them, to worry about their safety and most importantly to always be there for them will always make me a parent – not a perfect parent (I can never be that) but a constantly learning one.

So yes, for me ‘letting go’ has never meant ‘stop caring.’ My nest may be empty, but my heart is not. [Read more…]

If you’ve been a happy traveler most of your adult life, having children can throw a bit of a complication into the mix. It isn’t so easy to pack a suitcase or backpack and head off at a moment’s notice when you have little ones to think about. We always hear that babies and toddlers thrive on routine, so how can you square that with a life of travel and adventure?

Contrary to popular belief, you can see the world with a child or two in tow. Nowadays, many families explore exotic destinations or even live on the road with their children. As a parenting instructor and mother who has lived and traveled abroad for the last ten years, I know that travelling and parenting are perfectly compatible. Here’s how you can do it, too.

First of all, it’s important to recognize that there is something that your child thrives on much more than routine, and that’s their connection to you.

With the scenery constantly changing, you are your child’s constant. Carrying them in a sling or backpack when they’re little can help them feel secure and safe, where all around them sights and sounds are changing. It also helps them to be adaptable falling asleep wherever and whenever you are.

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Imagine this:

You have come home after an unusually busy day, full of errands and your arms stuffed with heavy packages.

You are greeted with a completely messy home with hungry, bored and tired kids. The television is blaring. Dinner has to be prepared.

The kids immediately swarm you, rattling off the day’s highlights, complaints about each other and homework that they need help with.

You dump the packages on the table and try to take stock of the situation. You attempt to simultaneously tell your 12-year-old son to turn down the volume of the TV and your 5-year-old daughter to stop jumping up & down on the new sofa. Both the kids are preoccupied and don’t listen to your repeated instructions.

Just when you think you’ve had enough….your daughter bumps into her brother who pushes her away. She slips and falls to the floor bringing an antique vase down with her.

SMASH!

The TV is the only noise now. Sonny boy smirks and whispers to sis, “Now you’ve done it!”

The little one looks at you with big eyes and is wavering between yelling at her brother angrily and howling in pain, unsure of which one will help her get a lesser penalty!

Such scenes have played out plenty of times at my home (maybe yours too). They have frequently ended with a big fight, a massive scolding, general sulking and me feeling totally burnt out.

But this one time…
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Do you ever find yourself wishing you could whip out a magic wand when your child is acting out?

I do this frequently. Especially when I’m stressed and tired.

In my mind’s eye, with an impressive flourish of the sparkle stick and a few random mysterious words, I have it all under control. I remove my pointy hat and cape and normal Mom service resumes. Smug smiles all round.

Then I snap out of my reverie and realize that my 4 year old has just released the wooden brick he was threatening to throw at his big sister. It is a millisecond from connecting with the side of her head. And I am two milliseconds away from having to switch from Magic Mom to Nurse-and-Disciplinarian Mom.

The ‘How do I deal with this?’ question in response to unacceptable behavior like this is usually followed by an instant decision fueled by the emotion of the moment.

But snap decisions aren’t always the best. In that moment of anger or frustration, our parenting sense is compromised. Our response comes from a place of internal conflict rather than from one of calm consideration. And it is often punitive as a result.

Fed up with yelling at my kids, I have recently been trying very hard to arrest my learned response of shouting and doling out punishment, choosing instead to actively employ positive, calm discipline.

In the wise words of Dr. Laura Markham at AhaParenting:

Think Loving Guidance, not punishment. Punishment is destructive to your relationship with your child and ultimately creates more misbehavior.

This is the basis of positive parenting. At an instinctive level, this idea resonates strongly with me. And in those moments of parenting calm and joyfulness, I even manage to muster up a fair impression of being that ideal positive parent.

But in times of stress, when snap decisions need to be made, I often flounder. I need something to ground me in those moments. A reminder of how to be that positive parent.

A solution presented itself during a word game with my daughter. We’ve been playing with mnemonics to help her remember things. Her favorite is Roy G Biv, where each letter acts as a reminder for the order of colors in the rainbow – Red, Orange, Yellow, and so on.

[Read more…]