Let’s play a quick word association game.
I will say one word, and you will say the first thing that comes to your mind when you read that word. Don’t think for long. Just say the first word that occurs to you. OK, here we go.
Sky.
Night.
Discipline.
Chances are, when you read “sky” the first word that came to your mind was “blue” or “high”.
When you read “night” you might think of the words “dark” or “day”.
What about “discipline”? What did you think of when you read that? In my case, I would probably have gone with “punishment” or “set right”.
The idea of discipline being synonymous with punishment is ingrained in our psyche. The first thing we think of when we hear the word “discipline” is usually something negative.
However, did you know that the word discipline originates from the Latin word ‘disciplina’ which means teaching, which in turn comes from ‘discipulus’ which literally translates to pupil?
Yet, I can bet that very few who tried the little exercise above would have thought “teach” when they first read the word “discipline”.
For whatever reason, over the years, discipline has gone from meaning “to teach” to “to punish”!
Today we explore “positive discipline” an idea that focuses on reverting things back to the roots – when children do something wrong, instead of punishing them, parents teach and guide them to set the behavior right.
So, how do we go back from “to punish” to “to teach”? In small baby steps, of course!
Here are a few tips to get started, and by following some of these (pick a subset of the ones that work for you), slowly we can change our perspective about “discipline”.
1. The core of positive discipline: There are no bad kids, just bad behavior.
Think about that for a minute and you will realize how true the statement is. This is the basic premise of the positive discipline concept. Once we as parents recognize that inherently our kids are not bad, they are just behaving badly, the rest of it will slowly fall in place.
For instance, suppose your child hits another child. The first thing you feel is probably embarrassment and shame, followed closely by a fear that your child may have a “mean” streak. If you go with that feeling and call your child a “bad girl” or “naughty boy” you reinforce the negative image of your child both in your own mind and in your child’s.
Your child may just be hungry/sleepy/tired or any of the hundred different stress triggers that may have made her act out. In other words, something in your child’s environment is influencing your child to behave badly. When we accept that it was just a behavior that was bad, and the child herself is fine – teaching instead of punishing becomes easier. For instance, instead of screaming, “Why did you do that? I don’t understand how you can be so mean sometimes” you will be in a much better situation to say “That wasn’t the best behavior – we do not hit our friends”.
At this point, I have to admit, I have a pretty strong-willed child and this will likely just get a “back answer” from her (or the water works, if she is already feeling guilty about it), but in her mind (and my own), I have planted the seed that she is not bad, it was just bad behavior, and it becomes easy for both of us to deal with it positively using one of the other techniques below.
Do you find it difficult to stop thinking about your child as “bad” because of their bad behavior? We partnered with Dr. Ross Greene, an eminent child psychologist and best-selling author, to create a masterclass about it! In this masterclass, Dr. Greene explains how children with behavioral challenges are lacking skills, NOT motivation… and shows how to help them build the required skills.
This packed masterclass is one of the 60+ masterclasses you get when you join the AFineParent Academy today. Click here to learn more.
2. Instead of pointing out what the child did wrong, show the child how to set things right
Building on the example above, let’s consider the best case situation first where you catch your child before she actually hits. However, instead of saying “Don’t hit” or “NO hitting” try saying “Use your words” or “Ask nicely”. When you say “Don’t hit” it does not give the child any information of what she should be doing instead. Without that knowledge, she may just end up going with her original plan to hit or she may choose to go with some other option which is equally bad – like shoving the other kid.
Now, on the other hand, if you catch the child after the incident, convey that what she did was wrong and give her an “out”. For example, you could say “That was not a good choice, we don’t hit our friends. Do you want to say sorry and make Kaylee feel better?” and if your child is not ready to say sorry yet (mine usually needs some time), you can continue with “Until we are ready to say sorry, let’s sit here and read a book” (This is sometimes also referred to as “time in” versus the traditional “time out”).
3. Be kind but firm; show empathy and respect
Now, in her mind, what she did was right and justified. It can be very frustrating when she insists on some wrong behavior as being right (mine is 5, and she can justify her actions until blue in her face with “She started it, she didn’t share the toy”). As parents, instead of arguing back, we just need to stay calm and repeat what we said in a kind manner but very firmly. For instance, repeat “Hitting hurts, we do not hit our friends” and “Yes, sharing is good, but we do not hit someone even if they don’t share” and different variants of it, over and over without losing temper or raising voice.
It also helps to show some empathy – for instance, “You really want the doll that she is playing with, but hitting is not the right choice.” Just by empathizing with your child that she really wants the doll, you can win half the battle.
4. Whenever possible, offer choices
After offering empathy, you can take it to the next level by offering her some choices. Choices give your child a sense of control. Not only is she not “bad”, instead of being “punished” she is given control… sometimes, that’s more than enough to snap a child out of a funk. This is one of the most common positive discipline techniques recommended by experts.
Simple choices like, “That was not nice, do you want to make Kaylee feel better by giving her a hug or by saying you are sorry?” or “Do you want to say sorry and continue playing with Kaylee or do you want to read a book with me until you calm down?” go a long way.
Remember to pick your choices carefully though, because once a choice is offered, and your child picks one, you need to honor it.
5. Treat mistakes as opportunities to learn
A child will often act out because she perceives it as the means to get to an end. When you use bad behavior as an opportunity to teach them not only that what they did is wrong but also empower them with alternatives, it will help them in the future from using it as a tool even when you are not around.
Try not to launch into a lecture though. If possible use examples and recollections from past behavior. “Do you remember last time when Tim hit you and how much it hurt? It made you mad/sad, right?” or “Remember when you fell off the chair and bumped your head? When you hit someone, it hurts the same way.”
6. Change the scene – prevent the misbehavior from being repeated
Prevention is better than cure. That phrase is cliched, for a reason. If you are dealing with recurrent misbehavior, look at what you can do to prevent it in the first place.
Brushing my daughter’s teeth in the morning was a big hassle. She must have been around 3 years old then. She would whine, scream, cry, lash out by physically hitting or kicking us and do anything she could to get out of it. We yelled, screamed, bribed, rewarded and did everything we could in the name of dental hygiene. (Just for the record, this was all before I started on this whole fine parenting journey…) Nothing seemed to work though. It was sad to watch her start her day this way, and it was draining for us to deal with all the drama early in the morning as well.
Then I read somewhere that some children do not handle transitions well. Coincidentally, my husband happened to just pick her out of bed one day and walk her around the house while she continued to snooze on his shoulders. When they went to the backyard, she snapped out of it and was excited to see the birdies and squirrels. And that day it was really easy to brush her teeth. It was completely unexpected, and suddenly it clicked in my mind – she was not really resisting the brushing of her teeth, but was “acting” out because the transition from sleep to a busy day was too overwhelming for her.
These days, we spend a few minutes every morning to help her make the transition, but the time is well spent, since it makes the rest of the morning go much smoother. It’s easy to call your child stubborn, headstrong, disobedient, ill-mannered etc, and try to discipline her for it, but if you get to the root cause of why she sometimes behaves the way she does, you will see that there is a really sweet little child hidden in there, who may not need any “disciplining” in the traditional sense of the word at all.
7. Set clear expectations and boundaries, and be consistent
Kids have a way with finding loopholes and pushing boundaries. Our first attempt to help our daughter make the transition from sleep to waking easier by relaxing the rule that you go straight from bed to the bathroom almost backfired. Once she got out of her sleepy grouchiness, she interpreted the relaxation of rules as an invitation to sneak in a little bit of play time before she had to go potty and brush her teeth.
We had to put our foot down and say (gently, but firmly) that at the start of the day you first freshen up, eat your breakfast and only then start playing. You could stop by to say good morning to the birdies before brushing your teeth as a special privilege, but any arguments about that, and you will just have to forego that privilege.
It was hard to come up with a story that would allow us to relax the “old” rules without leaving the “new” rules wide open for negotiation, and something we could be consistent with, but the effort has paid off in leaps and bounds.
8. Use single word reminders or questions or state facts, instead of ordering or demanding compliance
I was amazed the first time I noticed how well this works. As usual, my daughter walked out of the bathroom with the lights still on. Normally I would bark “Switch off the light”. She would sometimes follow the instruction, and sometimes she would counter with “You switch off the lights” or a defiant “No!” or worse, just plain ignore me (Yes, even 5 year olds do that – my heart goes out to you parents of tweens and teens!)
Anyway, that day I just said “lights” in a normal, casual tone. And surprise, surprise she said “Oopsie Daisy!”, went back to the bathroom, switched off the lights and returned to playing. I have adopted this with all my heart now – anytime I remember, I just use a single word said in the tone of a friendly reminder, and most of the times, it works. “Door” gets the door shut, “Car” gets her to stop dawdling and get walking towards the car, “Sink” gets her to put her used dishes in the sink and so on.
I have also used the question technique, which has worked pretty well so far. Instead of shouting “Go, put your shoes back on the shoe shelf”, a simple question like “Hey, where do we put our shoes?” gets the job done with a lot less resistance.
Similarly, stating facts helps too. When washing hands, if she is fooling around, I just state “water is wasting” and she is likely to wash her hands faster than criticism like “you are wasting water” or ordering her “wash your hands fast”.
9. Work together to come up with a mutually-agreeable solution (problem solving)
This is what I will be personally focusing on this week. I have tried this a couple of times and I am convinced about how effective this technique can be. That said, it is not something I do very often, and it does not come naturally to me when I’m around my daughter, maybe because I still see her as my little baby 🙂 Perfect candidate to try and turn into a habit this week!
In the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, (A book that has had a huge impact on my perspective as a parent, highly recommended!), the authors suggest following these steps for problem solving
Step I: Talk about the child’s feelings and needs
Step II: Talk about your feelings and needs
Step III: Brainstorm together to find a mutually agreeable solution
Step IV: Write down all ideas — without evaluating
Step V: Decide which suggestions you like, which you don’t like, and which you plan to follow through on
As the authors themselves say, you do not need to go through all the steps to reach a resolution. A lot of our discipline related discussion these days happen in the car during commutes, and so I will try a tweaked, travel-friendly version of this for any issues that pop up during the week. It will be an interesting week to see how this pans out.
10. Let the child face the consequences (natural consequences and not made-up consequences to suit your needs!)
If you are like me, you are all too familiar with imposing a ton of made-up “consequences” that suit your convenience to get your child to do what you wish. For instance, if my daughter does not finish her dinner on time, she does not get to watch TV. When you look into it deeply though, it is not a “natural consequence”… it is just something I made up to get her to comply. Most experts say, it is better not to use these made-up consequences (which are actually punishments in disguise) and to let natural consequences take over, which in this case would be to let her go to bed hungry.
Frankly though, I am not there yet. The over-protective control freak part of me steps in way before my daughter gets to face any natural consequences. This is something I need to work on in the future, but if some of you are ready to take it on, go for it! I would love to hear your stories about how it worked out.
So there you have it – 10 ways you can handle tough situations using positive discipline. Seriously, after reading this, would you ever want to try a traditional, punitive, discipline technique?
The 2-Minute Action Plan for Fine Parents
For our quick-action today, quickly walk through some of these simple questions –
- What is your idea of “discipline”?
- Is it really working?
- Which of your current techniques do you need to keep?
- Which are the things you need to let go?
- What new tricks can you try?
I would suggest picking up at least one new positive discipline technique to try and/or one old habit to let go of, and focus on that for the rest of the week. It may work for you, it may not. But unless you try, you’ll never know!
And as usual, put it in writing to add a level of accountability. You can scribble it on a piece of paper, a journal, on your blog, your facebook update or in the comments section below – the actual medium does not matter.
The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents
For the rest of the week, catch yourself when you start to dole out punishment and question if that will really help in the long run. Ask yourself, if you are not around to keep an eye on them, and they are sure that you will never find out, will the punishment still keep them from wanting to repeat the incriminating act? And then, focus on at least one tip and try it out as your new discipline technique.
Important Note of Caution: Expect some setbacks. Both you are your kids are used to a certain style of discipline – when you change that and adopt positive discipline instead, your kids will push you, and you may not be well equipped to handle the new situation with your new skills. It is fine to regress for a while, as long as you acknowledge it as a regression and commit to finding a way to get back on the positive path!
Hi Sumitha,
I am going to really try to be conscious of this for this week. I may have to check back at the blog a few times. 😉 The biggest struggle for me with my little one is bedtime. Same routine, day in, day out, home, vacation, no matter and it winds up being a stressful time of yelling when it should be the calmest and most serene part of the day. I find her being tired in the morning and me rushing her if we don’t have enough time and me being tired at the end of the day are both pinpoints of places of what is causing a good chunk of the problem.
I try to tell her that it’s the same thing every day and doing the little things first that have to be done regardless make less yelling and the transitions go smoothly. There is time for getting things done then there is free time for play. I have take the approach also of the “questioning” in asking, “Where do your your shoes and coat belong?” when I find them on the floor, bed, etc. instead of barking about hanging up her coat and putting her shoes in the cloest when she gets in.
I have been telling her for years (she is 8) and also my husband, too, that she is not bad but her behavior is not/may not be good. Sometimes she will feel some shame when she is tired or just upset with me and I hear things like, “I’m a bad kid”, etc. and I correct that right away; we all make mistakes and she has to realize she is always loved regardless. Things are tough in this world and we need to raise, self-assured girls with a heaping of confidence! 🙂
I think the thing that resonates the most with this entry is telling her what to do as well or instead of telling her what not to do. . . sometimes little minds need conditioning and choices rather than strategy–especially first thing in the morning and especially at night!
Hi Bernadette!
“Things are tough in this world and we need to raise, self-assured girls with a heaping of confidence! ” –> Very well said! I couldn’t agree with you more. I have a daughter too, and this is one of my biggest priorities as well. I do however think that this applies equally to parents of little boys too…. it is a very competitive world out there with some people willing to stamp on your head to reach the top – raising self-assured kids who grow up to be empathetic, but confident adults who can hold their own can literally make the difference in whether they are successful/happy/well-adjusted or not!
Good luck with how the week turns out for you. Happy to see that you have picked a specific scenario (bedtime/wakeup time) to experiment with… I’ve read in so many places that focusing on one specific trigger/incident/routine and figuring things out offers you the best probability of success since it will give you very clear and practical idea of how to extend the results to other situations. I would love to hear how it all plays out 🙂
Hi!
just reading your comment something stroke me as curious, I don´t mean to jump into your bussiness so read this in the best friendliest way possible, please.
You said “there is time for getting things done then there is free time for play” and I think everything can be acomplished in a fun way in a friendly cooperative environment. Look out for those people that seem to do everything in a good mood.
Maybe try to invent new ways to make it fun for your girl to actually get things done. Is it singing? is it making up a story? is it by drawing all that she´s doing? pretend playing? It might require getting up earlier, but what a difference it will make.
My two cents.
THX! FOR THE SHARE…
I really love this blog. Every sentence has helped me with interacting with my strong-willed, energetic daughter. You are a blessing to my life. Thank you.
Thank you for you kind words, Janel!
I have a strong-willed, energetic daughter as well, and all the wonderful books/blogs/sites I’ve read about this have transformed my relationship with her! I am glad that I can share some of it here and that committed parents like you will not only try it out, but are kind enough to stop by with such wonderful encouragement! 🙂
thanks
Hi Sumitha,
I am grateful to be a member of this club, or whatever we can call it, and really learning a lot from this.
I have big and grown up kids now, and my problem in particular is my eldest son (18 y/o), who happens to be in college now. Both me and my husband are working overseas, before, we used to be together with all of our 3 kids, but when my son finished his grade 12, we sent him back to the philippines. We know how the way he is when it comes to study, even as a young boy before, he is very lazy i guess. My husband and I have tried a lot of technique to understand him more, but it would seem that he is still the same. Most of the time, i would ask him what he wants and needs, and a lot of times he will say, he is fine and doest need any. Recently, we sent our daughters as well for an early holiday, to be with him and for us as well to know how he is. Last semester, he got 3 failed grades, while I understand, that the course is not really easy, and that the adjustment is a bit hard, i would have thought that he is now changed and will try to amend on the failed grades, but learning everything what is going on from my daughter, she thinks that he is too busy still playing computer games, he would sometimes go out of the house, and will be out for 4 hours or so and when he comes back, it would seem that he only made excuses which its pretty obvious that some are just a lie.
I just played with him, i did not scold him instead i just use my daughter to learn more about how he is and what he likes, then later found out, that he wants a lot of things (a new laptap, an a/c, a new shoes, jeans) an so on and so forth and he is jealous of the daughter for having everything. I guess, he doesnt want to ask those to us, maybe because if he do so, and we give in, he will run out of excuses, just in case he failed again?
We are in the verge of losing our patience in him, but still trying all our might to be patient and understanding. how do you think we will address the problem. How should we react?
We have asked him how many times whether he likes his course, and he said yes, but it is really hard on how much more we can keep our temper. Are there any tips on how to deal with him?
We really need all the tips we could get from you and for all the member of this club. God bless you all.
Hi Belinda,
That’s a tough spot to be in. It’s awesome that you are trying to look for ways to make things work out, instead of giving up or brushing things under the carpet!
As you know, I am just another parent like you and not trained to offer advice in any way. I can however recommend you to someone who is, and has had an immense impact on the way I view parenting. Her name is Dr. Laura Markham and her site is http://www.ahaparenting.com/ . I wish I could be of more help 🙁
Take care, and wish you the best. I hope one of these days you will stop by and share with us the wonderful news that it’s all worked out.
Hi Sumitha,
I am so happy to receive a quick reply from you.
We are really trying to have as much patience and a better understanding on what is the best way to deal with him, as we feel that nagging and constant threatening is not working at all. I am thinking that maybe it takes a while longer for him to be mature enough?
Ill try contact Dr. Markham on this.
I will recommend this blog to all my friends who, like me, need a guide on how to be a good parents.
God bless us all.
Thank you for your kind words and sharing the blog with your friends, Belinda! While I cannot offer advice, I will be here anytime you feel like talking to another parent…. we all have our unique situations, but we are all in this together. We may not be able to solve each others problems, but we sure can support each other. And like Geeta below has done, we sure can offer some suggestions of a few little things to try out, and who knows, one of those suggestions might help you figure out the perfect solution for your situation!
Again, I wish you all the best. It’s OK to fail, but it’s never OK to give up. Keep doing your best to be the best parent you can be!
thanks
Hi Belinda, though I too am just a learning parent and not an authority to advice- I feel your son lacks self- esteem to some extent. He is unable to focus or have an aim. In case, he gets into a group activity of his choice and interest which has a deadline for eg. A college project, or a music concert or a community service – where one gets an opportunity to shoulder some responsibility and able to deliver something meaningful- can increase his self esteem and make him feel important. Also he needs to interact with people who have lesser facilities and opportunities than him. In India, family get tog ethers, celebrating festivals together and community services give such opportunities to teenagers to grow gracefully as adults.
Thank you so much for your wonderful suggestion, Geeta! Not only have I read in several books/research papers, but I’ve also seen that social interaction and taking on responsibilities that benefit a community are some of the best ways to get out of a funk and boost the confidence. Belinda, if this is something you’ve not already tried, it is definitely worth giving giving a shot.
Another thing Geeta… through this comment you’ve embodied the spirit of the blog! My hope is that some day we will have thriving community of like-minded parents here who will support each other through the ups and downs of parenting. We all face different challenges, but we all want the same thing at the bottom of our hearts — the well being of our kids. You’re one of the first few parents here who has given my hope wings by writing a comment solely with the intent of supporting another parent. Thank you so, so much!!!
(Belinda replied by mail, copy-pasting it here so Geeta can see it 🙂 )
——-
Thanks for sharing Greeta, a nice one indeed.
Belinda
Hi Sumitha,
What a lovely post with so many fantastic insights! Thank you for adding the time in vs. time out post as a resource. Wishing you peace and joy as you continue on your parenting journey!
Thanks Ariadne! I found your “time in” vs “time out” article very helpful in understanding the dynamics of some of our interactions with our kids and the impact on our relationship. I’m a big fan of your message over at Positive Parenting Connection — thanks for the inspiration through your site, and your support through this comment! 🙂
Had a good reading about ” Don’t try another discipline technique” until u read this.
I wish to share some of my experiences on this topic.
1. Practice what I preach – to make my children understand the importance of self study and making of self notes, the first thing that I didn’t do was – speak about the marks they obtained. Instead I started studying myself in their presence and maintained a note book to jot down points on what I read. Secondly, I have never told my children to study – they have on their own found out that they scored well in exams when they did do self study. So many times, I could make out the day prior to the exam date, that this exam he/ she would not fare well simply because he/she didn’t put in study time. But I would never speak about it while they were leaving for their exam. When results would come they would realize on their own. I would only say there is another exam coming ahead.
2. Rising in the morning to school – this one job of wAking up children to make them be on right time to school was a giant work for me – the age difference between my two children is less than 2 years. Initially I did the waking up by shouting after about 4-5 gentle wake up calls. The morning started with bad sounds and children sulked. The getting ready to school process got longer and irritable chore. I then realized, this was not the ideal way to deal with the issue. On an occasion or two I let my children oversleep and miss school ( after informing them the previous night that I won’t do the waking up). Before I could hope that this approach may work, my children started waking up on their own . In case they fear they may oversleep, they kindly request me to wake them and rise on my first call.
3. Bad behavior – my children are usually cheerful, full of laughter and ready to enjoy mood whereas their younger cousin (my nephew) has a different background – ( he has been an only child living with aged and sick grandparents, older parents and cancer survivor father), whereupon this nephew is shy, reserved and without Any smile or hearty laughs. My children didn’t quite understand how to communicate with him. They behaved mean and bad and ridiculed him. Then I sat down to have exchange of words and to discuss behavior and habits of my children’s classmates with them. Soon they realized that each one comes from a different background and started behaving better with him.
Yes, the road to discipline is never a punishment. It’s just a matter of few positive words and sincere actions. I hope I have given good example on ‘ natural consequence’ too.
Thanks.
Geeta
Hi Geeta, Those are some incredibly valuable insights and I am sure it took a lot of effort to figure those out through constant experimentation with your family! Thank you so much for sharing it with our little community here so we can hopefully get some results in our own families a little quicker 🙂
Hi Geeta
U hv shared very valuable experiences of urs. In ur experiences, I can see total reflection of my problems( walking kids in the morning and make them study). I m glad to c ur experiments brought the desired results. Although it would be difficult for me initially but I shall try my level best to follow ur examples. Thank u for the wonderful insight.
Hi Sumitha and Geeta,
Thanks for all your kind words and suggestions. Honestly, sometimes we are in the verge of losing hope, but having this group whom we can share how we feel makes a lot of difference.
I will keep you all informed on what is going on. Btw, Sumitha, I’ve been reading the blogs of Dr. Markham as you suggested, and thank you very much it gives me a better understanding on the many ways of how to handle him and hoping and praying that eventually we will win this battle and we can find one that will really work.
God bless us all.
Not a problem, Belinda. Dr Markham’s blog has been a lifeline to me as well. I have seen through the interactions on her facebook page that I am not the only one either. Glad to hear you are liking it too 🙂
I will keep my fingers crossed for you as well. Seeing from your comments, I feel like you are not the kind of person who gives up, which means there is no other way but for you to come through this difficult time victorious! Wish you the very best!
All excellent ideas! I have an amazing tricky 6 year old and it is very hard for my husband and I to keep our cool and not resort to punishment (which really only sets him off into a frenzy that is hard to come back from). Thanks for explaining it so well and rather simply as well 🙂
Kerri, It’s amazing how even 6-year olds (5-year old in my case!) can push your buttons, right? My heart goes out to parents of tweens and teens 🙂
Glad you found the article useful… And, thanks for taking the time to let me know! I thrive on feedback 🙂
Hi Sumitha,
I love what I am reading at your blog. I am grateful that you are putting the pricinples into everyday situation for a green horn like me.
I have two boys age 2.5 and 4.5. I face sibling fighting and rivalry or just general naughtiness everyday. But things has improved since I came across Dr Laura’s website and your blog. I am trying to change and improve myself.
There are still a lot of posts on your blog that I should catch up on reading.
Have fun on your vacation.
All the best,
Carey
Thanks for your kind words, Carey. Dr. Laura’s ideas have been a great inspiration to me as well.
As for being a green horn, I’m right there with ya 🙂 This blog is in fact a way for me to sort through some of the things I’m facing each day, and finding a way to link it to the things I’m reading! I would love for you (and the other readers) to share some of the things you are facing and the lessons you’ve learned, so I (and the other readers) can steal some insights from your “hard earned” experiences as well 😉
P.S.: The vacation was awesome, thanks for asking! I’m all revved up now to take this little blog to the next level (which I’m sure I can do with kind support from the wonderful community of parents just like you!)
Discipline, isn’t ‘punishment’, its teaching kids there are consequences for their actions. They have to realize, and its a life lesson, that when you do something (anything) there are consequences for it, some good and some bad. I always emphasized this with my children, and yes, they survived my medieval ways (according to modern day child rearing habits). I was even to the point of saying (and they were very young), ok….if you do this, this will happen (be it a spanking, not going somewhere, or something that meant something to them), and if you do that, that will happen. It taught them to think further ahead than what their actions were at the moment. My children grew up with that attitude and even in their adult years, their natural inclination is to think something through and figure out what the cost will be. THATS a life lesson. And yes, my children were spanked when needed. It wasn’t done in error, and it happened so few times, when they went running to dad or grandparents, the reaction they always had was ‘if your mom spanked you, you deserved it’…often, they chose something that they were pre-warned about a spanking with, so, also if I didn’t follow through with what the choices were, then they would never have paid attention…that was their consequence, and if they didn’t want one, they better not be doing whatever it was that would bring one. Kids need to learn just because they don’t feel well, or are tired, or whatever, they can’t do whatever they want…my kids are productive, thoughtful, wise, hard working adults, who know how to deal with disappointment, difficulties, etc., because of how I raised them….and no a spanking is not a beating…thats a whole different issue
@Joanie, We all make our choices based on whatever information we have at the point as we raise out kids. I get it. I just don’t think it is justified though.
Hitting and spanking are two different things. No regular parent who loves their child is just going to haul off and hit their child for misbehaving. Perhaps if you were a child abuser. The bible says spare the rod spoil the child. Of course I’m sure this means just general discipline as well as spanking when necessary. I was a pretty good kid growing up, but on occasion I needed to be whooped. But it taught me to respect my parent and that they meant it when they told me to do something lol. Today, I am a very respectful, hard working, considerate, self controlled person. There’s nothing wrong with spanking on occasion.
I’ve heard spare the rod, spoil the child more times than I can count. But this phrase shouldn’t be used to justify hitting. When a sheep would stray from the path, a good shepherd would use a rod to steer the sheep away from danger towards green pastures and clean water. A good shepherd would never beat his sheep into submission; he would gently (but firmly) guide them in the right direction.
Sumitha,
Great article! I stumbled upon this blog through a link on Facebook and was glad I did, you have lots of helpful stuff on here. My only comment is just that as I clicked through your blog I realized that all the children and pictures of families (at least that I saw) are all white. This is something that I have been cognizant of as I see ads, browse websites, even clipart and emojis are mostly white people. It is just something I couldn’t help but recognize and point out. Thanks for all you are doing.
Thanks for your kind words and welcome on board, Amanda.
About the pictures – You make a good point. I’ve not really thought about it much. I guess, most of us get pictures from stock photo sites and maybe they just have more pictures of white children/families, and that in turn translates to you seeing them more on websites/blogs/ads/etc.? Just a guess…
Hi Sumitha, really found that article useful. Great work and well written! Would you mind if I shared it on our blog “The Forever Years”? (I’m co-editor of the blog). You can find us at http://www.theforeveryears.wordpress.com. Of course, I’ll include a link back to your blog too.
Many thanks, Kirsteen 🙂
Thanks for your kind words and for asking, Kirsteen! I’ve sent you a mail with our republication policy.
I love your article , and it is a fact that new parents are learning at the same time , of how to raise a child, perhaps differently of himself was raised.
Perhaps call it the copying effect . Meaning the child copies the parent/s , perhaps getting confused through it all if the parents are indifferent to eachother , even at times.
Here is my example …
I came from a fairly strict household, born in 1969, and my father worked very hard to build us our own home.
A different time back then, let’s say more harsh and to the point. And my father’s discipline was more like the last threat that my mother would use . Back then, a spanking was the sure fix, but when I got mine, I felt really not deserving of the harshness of it, and hate does build up in the heart, when accusations from siblings are embellished , and it all comes down on you…
Nevertheless , forgiveness was always there, and thinking. Thinking back , and even as a child, I swore to myself that I would not be as harsh as my father was, when it came to discipline , for I know I would not want my children to feel unjustified of any of it, like I was…
Anyway, I learned , and when It came my time to be a parent , and mature, I did want a different way discipline , and bullying from siblings had allot to do with it, I knew it was the problem and set out to not let it happen in my family…
But here is where things can backfire, especially when one chooses a gentler personality… In laws and relatives , not so much relatives , but the in laws, who were totally different. One set was divorced, and mine stayed faithful, and I think that the co-operation of the parents has to be of the most VITAL part of raising a child.
My now X wife, had a father that encouraged competition and even roughness within the siblings, and not like my parents parents, whom lived 2 hours away by car, My wife’s father was close by, and he started teaching roughness and bullying, among many other things I did not want or our children…
And because I liked equality between husband and wife, I made the mistake of NOT putting my foot down, and telling her to control her father, so instead she would take his foolish care free advice, and not discuss with me , of the raising of our own children. Lesson learned, I was more the outcast of the family, looking in on everyone else taking a part in their lives, except myself. And that is what broke up the family and why the divorce happened and I took my own life, unfortunately coming back, I never did get to be a father to my own children…
So what is the lesson here ??
Well I think the lesson is that the husband and wife !!! are to work together and respect eachother, and outside family may have opinions, but the husband and wife have to just keep those opinions aside and make a choice for themselves, not deserting eachother like as what happened with my family…
I have not seen my children , since 2008 , and my heart aches , but let this be a lesson to other young couples… Do not let the in law parents make the decisions for you, talk honestly with eachother, trust eachother, not desert eachother…
I am so sorry to hear that, Derek. I hope you will be reconciled with your children soon and will find a way to teach your gentle discipline approach with them. Good luck.
I’m happy to report that my definition of discipline has evolved. The first word that came to mind was “love.” My kids are teens and it has taken me a long time to realize the value of living a disciplined life. Teaching out kids to be disciplined people, and letting natural consequences take place whenever possible, is a very loving act. Any walk of life takes discipline if there is going to be success. I want my kids to succeed! Thanks for the great article.
I have been trying offering choices to my 3-year-old, such as “Do you want to get dressed first or change the calendar first?” “Do you want to choose your clothes or do you want me to choose?” etc. But she sometimes gets into a state where she repeatedly shouts “I don’t want anything” and just sits in her chair and won’t move. I don’t want to have to force her into her clothes but we do need to get out of the door in the morning! I’ve tried allowing more time but on the bad mornings that doesn’t seem to help; getting dressed just expands to fill whatever time I’ve allowed.
Ouch, sorry it is a rough time for you Rosie. We have been there and we are no longer there, and I can tell you from experience that this too shall pass. I wanted to mention that first, because just remembering that simple thing will sometimes help you get through it more calmly.
I don’t know if you feel up to some experimenting, but here is a suggestion. Instead of focusing on getting her clothes on, shift the focus to getting out the door at a certain time. You can say we need to be out of the house at 7:30 and to make it more tangible for your child you can set an alarm on the phone or the oven timer etc.
I set the timer on my phone for 10 minutes before and snooze it when it rings the first time. The idea is to get out of the house by 2nd alarm and after the 1st alarm, we have 10 minutes. If you are almost ready by the 1st alarm, make an exaggerated show of how proud you are that you’re going to make it… maybe high fives, or a big sigh saying “phew” or a whoopie etc. If you are not ready, make the next 10 minutes a fun game to try and beat the clock. Scoop your child up and giggle as you rush through and what not.
Everyday you make it out on time, have a tangible reward…. maybe listen to her favorite song on repeat all the way to school, or tell her a story as you walk down to school, or give her a ticket that says “one visit to the park” etc. On days that you don’t make it, spend the time getting to school hatching plots of how you could make it the next day… be silly to lighten the situation…. for example, you could say things like “I wish we had a fairy in our house who could magically make us ready on time… what magic words do you think she would use?” and then use those words on your daughter the next morning when she dawdles etc.
The goal is to lighten up the situation, while getting into the “habit” of getting out of house on time. When you get into the habit, you can drop all these other things, but the habit will still stick.
Have you read the book “The Power of Habit” by Charles Duhigg? If not see if you can make some time for it… it is a really good book. I wrote an article a while back about this that might help, in case you can’t read the book right away – The Ultimate Guide For Helping Your Kids Create a Habit. Any Habit
Parenting is very hard because there isn’t one solution for every problem. Some kids like choices sometimes and sometimes kids don’t. I realize this was years ago, but, for future readers as well as the blogger, I wanted to offer my advice. My favorite parenting book is The Manipulative Child by Ernest Swihart (many of the reviews on Amazon discuss the poor title). One technique in the book which is not addressed in this article is called Positive Practice. The book specifically brings up a dawdling child in the morning. Positive Practice is basically role-playing the activity you want the child to perform. So after dinner or on the weekend, whenever you have time, the child must practice getting ready, from start to finish, so that they understand and are comfortable with all the steps. Positive Practice should be done repetitively (anywhere from 5-10 times) to properly prepare for the “actual event.” This is not a punishment any more than fire drills, it is for “muscle memory” and forming good habits.
Hi Rosie,
I, like you, have been encouraging my daughter to make decisions throughout her life so she is then responsible for the decisions she makes. She can then blame nobody else.
However, I see that the main aim for me, as a parent, is to make sure that the choices my child has to choose from are choices that I am happy for her to make while she is learning how to distinguish between correct or smart choices: ie. if I wanted my daughter to get ready to leave the house, I might ask her which dress/outfit she would like to wear. I would present her with options that I had already selected for her to choose from. She then had the opportunity to select from the options I presented to her.
My daughter is now 12 years old and I allow her to select her own clothes from her wardrobe. She is very comfortable in doing that and is confident in her choices. I think she has very good taste in what she wears which gives me confidence in her.
If I feel she has made an error in judgment, which happens occasionally, I feel that I can explain to her that the choice is inappropriate for the occasion and she is happy, usually, to re-select her outfit based on the new information.
I do not assume that as she grows older she is not going to be influenced by friends and social pressure, I know she will be, and has been, particularly as she is going through the pressure of her first year in high school! BUT I do believe that as she is learning the responsibility of making her own decisions and experiencing the consequences, I will be there to help her continue to learn and understand how important it is to be true to herself.
Allowing my child to make her own choices means that she gets to choose from a selection of options that I have already censored, until I feel she is ready to be able to distinguish between what constitutes a good option for her from one that is not.
I know that one day I am not going to be able to be there for my daughter and she will have to be able to make important decisions for herself.
I feel that my job as a mother is to try and show my daughter the way, give her the basics and let her develop her own unique ways of achieving the outcomes.
I also agree with Sumitha, about keeping it all fun and not getting bogged down with commands and “have to’s”. I remember times when I was a young child and I just didn’t want to go out …. I would always “drag my heels”! I suppose if the attitude is changed or the mind is distracted with something “nice” that might happen, then the “going out” problem (if there is one), is over-ridden.
I am very heartened to have found this site and am looking forward to reading about how other parents are dealing with issues of high school as this is very new to me and I feel as though I am living with a different child, at times.
I feel that technology is the biggest problem that I am faced with currently.
It feels as though I am having to reign in a runaway horse, …. one that doesn’t know it is galloping towards a cliff…. and we are only in the first year of High School!!!
Good Luck Rosie 🙂
enjoy the younger years, cherish each day as they grow so fast!
Such good points you bring up, Heather! Thank you! I hope I can be as confident about my daughter and the choices she will be making when she is in high school. Good luck to you in navigating the novel challenges… going by your comment above though, I have a feeling you and your daughter will figure things out just fine 🙂 I will work with our writer community to put together something that might be more relevant to you though!
Wishing you the very best!
I love your article. I’m actually writing a research paper for school on the topic. Im writing in hopes that you can help me. I am needing to clarify my thesis. It currently is: “Raising children to have good attitude, behavior, and
character is challenging without parental direction and principles”. My current step in the semester is competing an outline and this is where I;m realizing im not sure what my topic sentences will be. I’m thinking maybe i should change my thesis completely. I am passionate about the topic and so that is why i want to write about it. I am trying to write basically about child psychology/ child discipline. Any help would be appreciated. thank you
Hi, Jason. Thanks for reaching out. I’m pretty passionate about this as well, and would love to help, but I’m not entirely sure what it is that you are looking for (sorry, my background is computer science, so not sure how research is conducted in the psychology field). Do you want to email the details to me at sumitha @ afineparent . com so we can discuss this further?
Hello!
I am grateful to have found your website as we have been dealing with some stepped up tantrums lately from our 4 year old daughter. My question is regarding giving choices. Often when my girl is frustrated, she will just refuse to choose (and then lose it even worse when we make the choice for her). One trick I have used is to make the clothes fight each other for her to choose them when getting dressed in the morning. I will bring that trick back into rotation but I’m wondering if you have any other ideas? She often ends up distraught and then it’s very difficult to get her out of it.
We will be working on showing her more empathy and trying to validate her emotions as I know we haven’t been doing that as of late.
Thank you so much for this!
Wow, making her clothes fight to get her to choose them is probably one of the coolest tricks I’ve heard of, Erin! It’s awesome! Thank you so much for sharing.
I can’t think of another cool way to make choice palatable. Maybe it’s time to entirely get rid of the choice and try something different? We used to have a similar issue with breakfast. My daughter didn’t want to choose. And would get more agitated when I made the choice for her. One day in a huff, I sat her down and we made a list going from Mon to Sun and a breakfast option written next to it. Over the next few days, there was some push back and resistance. Things were tweaked and moved around a little. At some point though it was silently agreed upon. It’s been months (years?) now and while we occasionally have complaints and we sometimes retire an option and replace it with something new, we still have a post-it note on the fridge that tells me exactly what to feed my daughter in the morning on any given day, and she just eats it 🙂
I hope you find your solution soon. You seem to think a lot more creatively than anyone I know of, so I’m sure you’ll figure it out sooner rather than later. Good luck!
Thank you! I actually read that idea in a book (but not a parenting book…it was a fictional novel about an alcoholic mother…the name is escaping me right now). Take the ideas wherever you can get them right?!
I feel like things are getting better since I found this site so thank you so much! It just helps to have a plan!! And I love getting the emails every few days. It’s really well thought out 🙂
That’s funny (and makes the idea even more cool). I’d spent the last few years reading a lot of non fiction books (parenting, personal development, entrepreneurship etc.) which are great for getting ideas (well, that’s the main purpose of these books). This year though, I’ve jumped back into the world of fiction with a vengeance, and boy, I’m amazed at how many ideas (both conventional and unconventional) you can get from fictional alcoholic moms, broken relationships and jacked up drama/dilemmas 🙂
And thank you so much for your words of encouragent. You just made my day 🙂
So funny, I tried the clothes fighting idea with my 2 1/2 year old the other day, which resulted in a complete meltdown. She was upset with me that I let her “friends” aka “clothes” argue. Oh, they are so literal. Great idea, though, and glad it worked for you!
I love the article and all ten hints, my favorite part was about treating mistakes as learning opportunities. These are excellent suggestions for interacting with children.
So glad you liked it, Maria. Thanks for the wonderful comment. Treating mistakes as one of the learning opportunities is one of my favorites too, but one that I struggle with a lot. In the heat of the moment, it is so easy to “lost it” and snap… it takes a lot of intentional effort to start seeing the mistakes for opportunities.
All the best to you in this journey!
So what can my friend do about his 7 yo son who does lots of bad things and tells his dad and step mom and teachers that he doesn’t care what they think or say he wants to be bad.
It’s so hard to say with so little information, Sam. I would probably start by spending some one-on-one time with the child each day doing something that he likes to give him some positive attention and see if that helps. This may just be the child’s way of saying he needs some attention…
Thanks for all the ideas. This website will be soo helpful!
I am just past it with bedtime though. No matter what we do.. the silent treatment, the gentle reminders, the yelling… etc… the girls just KEEP getting up.. we put them to bed between 7 and 7.30 and the battle goes on for hours!!!! last night it was till well after 10.30… so they just get sooo tired… as do we!
I dread night time because of it. We have 2 girls.. a 3 year old and a 22month old..
I am at my wits end.. please give me some suggestions! I don’t know how much more my husband and I can take.
Their listening skills are getting worse during the day too because they are so tired from the night.. everything becomes a battle!
Thanks heaps!
Ouch, that sounds like a difficult to place to get stuck in Monique.
For us, routines were what helped. We’ve had the same exact routine for years now, with a few tweaks here and there as our daughter grew up – brush teeth, bath, prayer, bed time story, lights out, cuddle up, sleep.
Initially, if my daughter did not fall asleep quickly, I’d leave after 10 minutes with a short explanation that I have a lot of chores to finish up, and that I would come check on her in 10 minutes. I would then finish some of the chores and go back to her room, sleep with her for another 10 more minutes. Repeat it as many times as necessary, trying to stay firm but without losing patience in as much of a calm manner as possible. (“It’s bedtime. No more talking. Try to go to sleep. I promise I will come check on you in 10 minutes. I love you. Good night” and variants of it repeated over and over until it sinks in).
These days she is usually out within a few minutes.
It’s a matter of finding the right routine for your kids. Don’t lose hope. Try different things – bed time story, singing for them, letting them earn rewards for smooth bedtime, a race to see which child can lay still and stay quiet the longest and the winner gets to choose the breakfast next morning etc. until you find something works for your kids. And then stick with it with all you’ve got 🙂
Wish you the very best!
Thank you Sumitha! Just the moral support is good. I look forward to doing the mini course!
I took photos of Amelia doing heaps of different potential bed time steps in an idea to do a chart that she ticks off…. I just never got around to printing them and doing it! I think I better go do it!!
That’s a neat idea, Monique!
It’s hard when kids are that age, where they want to be independent, but can’t quite handle responsibility yet. And with 2 in that age range it must be particularly challenging for you and your husband. Hang in there. It’ll all work out. Try chanting “The days are long, but the years are short” or “This too shall pass” (or whatever works for you) when things get particularly tough… it helps me immensely 😉
Hey Sumitha,
Good to know that there are parents who go through similar challenges with their 5 or 6 year olds. What does one do if their 6 yr old daughter is cranky all the time, shouts on people at home, hits or claws the nanny, disobeys or misbehaves all the time but is a well behaved girl out of the house? Will this aggressive nature get carried over to the the outside world as well over a period of time? Is there a need to consult a psychologist in terms of getting any medication for any vitamin deficiency leading to bouts of anger? Pls advise.
Hi, Chetna! Sorry to hear about the challenging situation you find yourself in! I am not a parenting specialist or expert… Here’s what’s worked for us in the past…
Sometime back my daughter used to be very cranky when I picked her up from school. I had not heard any complaints from her teacher… so she was doing well in school. I suspect “having to be good” all the time at school was taking its toll, especially since my daughter is strong willed and likes having her say more than listening to something others tell her. I tried several things, but none seemed to work at first. Finally here is what clicked…. I would completely clear my schedule for ~30 minutes after picking her up (no phone calls, email, worrying about dinner etc.). I would help her change, I would sit with her while she ate a snack and try to engage her in a conversation or word game, I would stay calm if she had an outburst (which she did almost daily at first, almost always over something trivial) and try to deflect or redirect it if possible or let it play out in it’s full glory otherwise, and then play cards with her for 10 minutes. I chose cards because she is good at it and likes it (and I like it too, so it is sustainable without me getting all cranky ;)) Something about this routine calmed her frayed nerves and she was (mostly) a happy girl the rest of the evening. After a while, the crankiness while picking her up started reduced, and she would happily jabber about something or the other she did in school when I picked her up. Over a period of time, this routine dropped, but her improved mood stuck. When she seems off these days, I still gently steer her towards a game of cards (or whatever game is popular at the moment) and it usually works.
This exact routine will likely not work in your case, but I would highly recommend finding a way to connect with your daughter and help her ground herself during the first 10-30 minutes after coming back home from outside. Once whatever it is that is bottled up is released in a more acceptable manner, I think the need to discharge it using angry outbursts will reduce. If you can figure out what was causing the issue, great… if not, it doesn’t matter… just focus on helping her release whatever is pent up in a more connected, positive manner (this will eventually help her regulate herself as she grows up and is the foundation of emotional intelligence from what I understand.)
Good luck!
Thanks for your quick response Sumitha. Your advice really seems good. The only concern is am a working mother 🙁 not around her when she comes from school. She finds herself around her grandmom and nanny everyday when she comes back from school. I can relate to your point that she might be piling up her feelings inside trying to be good to the outside world coz even she is a very strong willed and wants to be heard more rather than listen to others. So maybe she finds herself in a spot where she is unable to share or strike a sensible conversation and vents it out in the form of angry outbursts. Maybe the cons of being a working mom. But your advise really helps. I will find out some better way to connect with her positively. Thanks again.
Thanks, Chetna! It may not have to be as soon as she comes back from school… if you can take a few minutes before bedtime to read/tell a story and snuggle up, that might help as well. That is usually the time when my daughter shares some of her “secrets” with me (after lights out and when it is just her and me) 🙂 Good luck! I’m sure you will figure it out!
I have four children aged 2, 5, 7 and 8 and I am trying hard to keep calm and raise them the right way but the last two years I am also battling with my mental diagnosed illness altogether. I’m hoping this will help me a lot, thanks really liked this first part as well.
Sorry to hear that you are going through a rough season in life, Adele. I hope things fall in place for you soon. My best wishes are with you.
And welcome aboard 🙂
the article is so educative.i love it
Thank you for this mini-course. Thank you for understanding and knowing the difficulties. Thank you for voicing it and making me feel like less of a failure.
The saddest part for me and my daughter is that I can consciously see her confidence break and I still find it close to impossible to control my temper.
She is the brightest little thing (I know all mom’s say so!) but has been fluent in her communication since she was 20 months old. I love her and she knows I love her, our biggest setback are her extremely poor eating habits. She is underweight (13 kgs) and has a small stature (94 cms) and is already 3.5 years old.
We have seen a lot of doctors and even a nutritionist to help improve her eating habits but to no avail. Her empty stomach leads to her anxiety and whinny, clingy demeanor. So we have a power struggle at most meal times. She does not like any fruits, vegetables, lentils or sweets. She only eats chicken, eggs, plain rice, fish and ice cream. She was poor at nursing as well but the doctor diagnosed her with her a tongue tie when she was 8 months and obviously we couldn’t correct it then.
So needless to say, for the last 3.5 years, I have been with an extremely needy child without any support as I work full time and she is in day care. My husband is cabin crew and so is at home 3 out of 7 nights a week. Everything had been left up to me and I broke when I was suffering from PPD and my poor baby girl has received the brunt of my terrible parenting skills.
All the above are excuses I know, I just want to thank you for allowing me a place to talk about my weakness without being judged.
I’m sorry, things have been rough for you, Nabs. One of the main things I have noticed about positive parenting/positive discipline is that it seems difficult at first to make the switch, but once you do switch over, kids are a lot more cooperative. And that cooperation helps bring out the best in us, the parents. Which in turn makes them want to cooperate more. And it a wonderful virtuous loop.
I wish you the very best in breaking out of power struggles and finding workable solutions for your daughters eating habits. Take care!
Food issues are really separate from behavior. I know this is an old comment, but I wanted to recommend the book It’s Not About the Broccoli by Dina Rose. She explains how healthy eating is about 3 habits of proportion, variety, and moderation. She had a blog which sadly has been deactivated as there were specific articles on how to fix poor eating.
Hi. Loved your article. I have been trying your advise but my 6 year old son is a real challenge. He is adorable,funny and smart but he loves to annoy. He will annoy his older brother, his friends, cousins by taking something, being noisy or ruining a game or snatching and he occasionally hits or pushes as well if he doesnt get his way. Which means he can be in time out or quiet time several times a day. I explain to him that his behavior is not appropriate and his friends will not want to play with him. He agrees and says he is sorry but then repeats his behaviour. What should I do?? How can I get him to behave appropriately and play without being annoying?
@Sarah Derbas,
It is like you are describing my 4 year old. Loves to annoy older sibling and friends at school/park/gatherings. Nothing works. Love, motivation, time outs, beating are all useless. Add to that my child’s natural inclinations to disobey and be lazy. And, to top that, I am a broken parent myself as I do not know how to control my temper (possibly, I have my own mental health issues). This makes up for a really terrible experience for my child and me, and the rest of our family.
I love being a mother, but I feel like I am sinning and dying a slow death from being one. I am at my wits end. Praying fervently for a miracle.
Please share if you found anything that worked for your 6 year old.
So glad I came across this! I had a particular horrid day with my girls yesterday and when I reflected on it after they were asleep I felt awful. The girls were tired I was grumpy and in a bad mood all day. I know I could’ve handled it differently, instead I yelled a lot, they pushed my buttons and we were cross with each other. Looking forward to putting some of these things into practice x
Oh, so sorry to hear that Marie! Happens to all of us. Not fun, but not uncommon either. Hand out a (virtual/real) “It Was a Day to Be Messy, Imperfect Humans. Let’s Apologize, Put it Behind Us and Move On” cards to everyone and start focusing on connection and closeness again from today 🙂 Good luck!
Hi,
I am smita, and I am very happy to get into this website. My problem is that my child is very careless. Tried so many ways of teaching her. Offering rewards so that she learns to behave herself. Explaining her the pros and cons etc,punishing, she has also faced consequences for her carelessness, but just feels sorry for that particular minute, and then makes the same mistake again. Can someone guide me please?
Lovely blog.. I am really struggling with my elder son (5.5 years) for daily activities like brush, bath and milk. My younger(2.5) one is also started copying him and resisting everything. For younger one, I can pick him up and take to the bathroom and brush or bath but its really hard with elder one. He takes brush in his hands and says “will do later”…and that time doesn’t come…everyday I have to shout at him or take him in the bathroom by pulling his hands…and then I feel guilty about my behavior… he knows all goods and bads about brushing and bathing…but he doesn’t want to do that…I really don’t know what to do…everybody at home start yelling at him…then he gets frusteted and says…”yes I am bad…I am not going to do it”… sometimes I feel like crying
I’m sorry to hear that you find yourself in this situation with your son(s), Priya. The thing is I’ve been there and know what it feels like. That said, I want to give you hope. We are (mostly) out of that situation these days. My daughter still resists me every chance she gets (she is strong willed and it is her nature), but most often things are resolved peacefully. And I can honestly say I couldn’t have done it without embracing positive discipline.
I worked with one of our writers to put together article specifically about dealing with strong, defiant kids. Please take a look. I think it will help.
How to Deal with a Defiant Child (And Reduce Future Defiance!)
As you try this new approach though, please keep in mind that you and your kids did not land in this situation overnight. It took years of conventional parenting to get here. Consequently, positive parenting won’t solve the situation overnight. But, if you stick with it, you might be surprised with how well it works and how much fulfillment it brings to us as parents to parent this way!
Good luck!
Hi sumitha
I am very happy to join your blog.I am a father of three children two son and one daughter.My daughter is eighteen years old but she doesn’t still listen to me anymore.The problem is that she has a boyfriend and I don’t like him because I feel like she’s still younger to have one.I tell her to rent with him she never do that.When I talk to her she replies impolitly and she goes outside at evening and get home at midnight.this situation makes me crazy.I wanted her to be like her eldery brothers who always stay home .I don’t know what to do with her
Hello Sumitha, This question really isn’t about parenting, but I admire your dedication to finding other solutions to discipline instead of yelling at them. I was always told if you have to yell at a children, that you’ve already lost control of them. However, some children do not respond to reason and take advantage of your sympathy.So when I discipline I don’t raise my voice instead I explain why it was wrong. I teach Sunday school at church and sometimes I help the church bus drivers monitor the bus. I was on the bus and a told this young girl she had to sit down because the bus was moving and she would hurt herself if she was standing. She told me that I wasn’t her boss and began cursing at me. I asked her to come sit up front near the driver; she did, but she continued cursing profusely at me. I felt she was trying to get me to curse back or get me angry, but I didn’t say anything back and I asked her not to say those words because they were bad. The pastor, who was the bus driver, dealt with the situation and told the child to use different words to express herself not bad ones. This young girl will only listen to the pastor and nobody else, however her actions shocked me because she has never been this mean to me, she has acted up a little from time to time but never in this angered temperament. I’m not sure why she had this outburst, it could be she wanted the attention from the other children or she wanted to see how I would react. I wanted to know how do I deal with her now after this incident. What steps she I take to gain her trust and better discipline her bad behavior.As I said I don’t like raising my voice but I feel sometimes my reasoning with her and other children doesn’t work. She is a good person who will do great things with her life, but she is given a bad reputation and in result concedes with her title as being an evil child. Sorry for the long story, but this was a unique experience for me as a teacher, and I only want to help my Sunday school students be successful.
Hi Matt,
Thank you for sharing your story with us! It is a difficult position to be in… I think you did right by choosing not to raise your voice. What is going on with this child is likely something complex, but I think you have summed up part of the reason already with your words: “She is a good person who will do great things with her life, but she is given a bad reputation and in result concedes with her title as being an evil child.”
I recently wrote an article about some of the psychological studies out there and how we parents can use them. When you get a chance, please do take a look. I think the ones most relevant here are #2 (“what the hell” effect) and #4 (Pygmalion effect and the Golem effect).
8 Fascinating Insights from Psychology Research That Will Make You a Better Parent
In short, the studies related to #2 suggest that most of us humans when faced with a failure will throw the rest of our resolutions in the air and just keep making more and more poor choices, making a bad situation worse. and #4 shows that a child will live up (or down) to whatever expectations are placed on them.
You have a great approach to this by saying “she is a good person”… if you continue coming from this place, and not let her push your buttons, you may be in a unique position to help her snap out of the “what the hell” behavior and turn things around.
Also, we have another article where a mom from our community shares how she helped her step child, whose custody she got late in life and was prone to attention seeking behavior, get settled into their family. You may find a few helpful pointers in here as well –
Attention Seeking Behavior: How to Gently, But Effectively, Stop it
I wish you the very best and hope you can help this child (re)discover what a wonderful person she can be!
Hello Sumitha,
Its a wonderful post.I have a 3+ year old who is extremely well mannered and sensitive. She is a very peaceful girl and a delight to be with.
I am a single parent, we lost my husband a year back and my daughter was very attached to him. I had to do extensive research through books and various researches to help my daughter sail through that very emotional time in her life & i am so happy that i found your blog because there are still days when my daughter does not know how to handle this fact and behaves strangely.
I will be sharing some of the tips on how i helped through this phase and still do if that will help people in same situation as me.
Thanks
N Kapur
I’m so sorry for your loss, Mrs. Kapur. I think you are doing good by your daughter. And thank you for your kind words to me.
I have published a couple of articles earlier about handling grief and difficult situations from moms in our community. Since you have already read several books, nothing in this may be new to you, but I wanted to share it anyway in the hopes that it will offer you some solace. Here you go:
– Dealing With Loss: How To Be There For Your Kids
– When Things Go Wrong: How to Stay Strong and Get Your Family Through
I wish you the very best, on behalf of everyone in this community!
Hello, Sumitha.
Thank you for the wonderful tips. I have been looking for a better way to communicate with my 2 kids (girl, 7 years, and boy, 4 years) and avoid yelling. I’m a single mom, so sometimes I do get overwhelmed and lose my patience, although I’m trying very hard to keep it together and stay calm. My daughter is very easy-going and I have no problem explaining rules to her and discussing behavior. But my son is the exact opposite and really tests me most o the time. Thank you very much for the tip on brushing teeth in the morning. I tried that tactic and finally got my son to brush his teeth before leaving for daycare for the first time! He’s ok brushing on weekends since the time is more relaxed, but during the week it was a constant battle and most mornings I would just let it go to save energy and avoid a bad start to the day.
We came a long way in him picking up his toys and not fighting me at bedtime, but there’s still am issue that we continue to fight over and it’s of huge concern because it involves safety, and I would appreciate any advice on this. My son likes to run away from me when we’re out and about. I know he thinks it’s funny and it’s a way he plays, but that’s dangerous, especially out on a street. I have a child safety tether that I used, but he started preschool this fall and now doesn’t want to wear the tether any more (he had no issues with it before). He keeps telling me he’s big boy and promises to listen to me, but that doesn’t last long. If I put the tether on him or hold him by the hand so he won’t run, he gets upset and has a meltdown. If I just give him a warning, he still runs away and I end up yelling at him, and then feel terrible about it. Also, in addition to the safety concern, this disrupts whatever we are doing at the time, and then everyone is upset and grumpy. I’ve tried talking to him and explaining that that’s dangerous to run away from me. I’ve tried bribing him: if he’d listen and doesn’t run away, I’d buy him a snack. I even told him that if he runs away then I will not buy a snack. The end result is the same. He runs away, I get angry, put his tether on and stick to my promise not to buy him a snack, and then have a crying child all the way home. It’s exhausting, counter-productive and makes me feel like the worst mother ever. But I just don’t know what to do to ensure his safety and still let him feel like he’s a big boy. Please help!
Thank you so much!
Lana
Hi Lana,
Parenting is in general hard and as a single parent, it’s doubly so. So take a deep breath and acknowledge what a great job you are doing (if you are reading this site, or any parenting site for that matter, looking for peaceful win-win solutions, trust me, you are doing great!)
About the tether issue: while we haven’t had this issue with my daughter, I’ve had plenty others that are very similar. My daughter is very strong willed and independent… so we run into situations like this a LOT.
What works for us is to acknowledge that she is indeed a big girl and I would like to trust her, but make it clear that she is also a learning child and so needs practice. And then next time we go out, I would say, “Do you think you are a big girl to go without the tether and practice listening to me so I can keep you safe?” And when she says yes (which my daughter enthusiastically will), make the limits clear. For instance, “If it looks like you are not ready yet, we have to go back to using the tether. This does not mean you failed.. it just means you are not ready yet. We’ll try again [in the evening, or tomorrow, or next week]”. And then repeat this very, very consistently. ie, every time they break the deal, you go back to using tether, and after the preset time limit, you let go of the tether and try again. And the very first time they make it through successfully you make a big deal about it… “Whoa, you did not need the tether today at all! You are so ready to walk with me like a big boy without the tether. I knew we’d get here sooner or later. I’m so proud of you [or us]. Let’s try that again [later, tomorrow or next week] and see if you still remember…. [etc]”
This approach helps us a LOT. As she’s growing she has realized that what she gets next time depends on how she does now and that is huge in having them take responsibility for their behavior without us being on their back all the time.
Good luck!
(PS: If you try this and it works and you remember, please do let me know. I am curious to see if it works for others or if we just got lucky 🙂 )
Sumitha,
Thank you so much for a quick response and your kind words. I will talk to my son tonight and will try this tomorrow on our weekly trip to the grocery store to see how he does. I will definitely let you know if it works 🙂
Thank you again!
Lana
Sumitha,
I can’t thank you enough for your advise. It is actually working! I’ve talked to my son and told him that we try walking without a tether, but only if he remembers that big boys walk next to mommy and don’t run away. I know how difficult this is for him since he is such a ball of energy; that boy hasn’t walked since he first learned how, always on the run 🙂 But he is actually trying. And if he starts to run off, I remind him in a calm voice that he’s a big boy and needs to walk next to me. He’s still learning, so, of course, this doesn’t work every single time, yet. But if he listens and starts walking next to me, I tell him how proud I am of my big boy and what a great job he’s doing walking. If he doesn’t listen, then I remind him about the tether and tell him that he won’t be allowed to walk on his own if he runs from me. But slowly, he’s coming around. And I’m just happy that’s he trying.
Thank you so much!!!
Lana
Thank you so much for coming back and sharing this with us, Lana! You just made my day 🙂
And to give credit where it’s due, I think the main reason it is working isn’t that the trick itself is great, but you are approaching it with such a wonderful attitude. You are so compassionate with your little boy and understand things from his perspective and are trying to work with it rather than against it. There’s no way you won’t succeed eventually with such a great attitude 🙂
I wish you the very best in your journey ahead… It’s parents like you who restore my faith in positive parenting and keep me wanting to continue to run this site!
Sumitha,
Thank you very much for the kind words and for the encouragement 🙂 I think parents can benefit from positive reinforcement from other parents, just like our children benefit from our positive attitudes. I really enjoy the posts on this blog.
Thank you for not just inspiring me to be a better parent, but giving me the tools to succeed 🙂
I think parents can benefit from positive reinforcement from other parents, just like our children benefit from our positive attitudes. — Beautifully said, Lana. So true!
And you are always welcome 🙂
Our day care has decided to put in a new “positive reinforcement treat” that my husband and I don’t agree with. Here is a quick example: If your child is in the red zone during the school week they are not allowed to go on the end of the week field trip or participate in the end of week surprise which falls on a Friday. Everything I have read states that children do not understand concept of time especially if the “bad behavior” happened on a Tuesday or earlier in the week, and even if the child was good for the remainder of that week they still are not allowed to participate in the Treat that happens on Friday….. we are very upset about this new rule and feel that it is cruel to leave the child that misbehaves out and ostracized from the rest of the class. What is your opinion on this? We cant switch day care at the moment and live in a very small town with only one other day care option or I would consider moving here even though she has been in this day care for years, since she was a baby. We have a meeting set up to discuss this but so far they don’t seem to want to change this cruel new policy.
That is very disturbing, Tiffany! I personally don’t think that is “positive reinforcement” at all, but more like punishment being disguised as a consequence. Maybe the daycare providers are old-school and want to move to the newer positive approach, but aren’t getting the execution right?
I am so glad to hear that you are meeting with them to discuss it. I would highly recommend taking with you a copy of the book “Positive Discipline” and sharing it with them. Specifically point them to Chapter # 5 — “Beware of Logical Consequences” (page 98) which talks about how punishment disguised as a logical consequence can be as negative, and provides guidelines for how to use logical consequences correctly, if at all.
Good luck. I hope you figure out a way to turn things around at your child’s daycare which not only benefits your child, but a whole lot of other kids as well!
Hello there,.. thank you for this information.. this helps me a lot in teaching my child.. I just have a doubt.. I know that this kind of disciplining a child is positive for some but not for all of us.. I usually locked my child inside our room when she does something wrong after three warnings..after a few minutes when she tries to calm down.. I talked to her softly and explained that the thing she did is not good.. she will right away responded and say sorry to us.. it works for me but when I consult it to some of my friends they are against about what I did to my child.. I am concerned if this kind of teaching my child is right..
Hope to hear your answer..
Sandy, Thanks for reaching out. Instead of me answering your question, let me ask you a few questions instead…
Suppose you did something wrong. We all do, so you can pick any instance. Maybe it is something at work. Or something in the kitchen. Or something with friends. How would you like to be treated? Would being locked in a room be an acceptable way of someone treating you? Would being threatened with something you are scared of, so you are forced to say sorry, be acceptable to you?
The goal of positive parenting and positive discipline is to treat our kids with respect and to guide them towards making better choices next time. To extend to them the same courtesy we would like if we were to mess up. Because we all mess up. After all we are humans. (And kids are still learning humans, so they will likely mess up more!)
Treat your child the same as you would like to be treated when you make mistakes.
Hi Sumitha,
I have 11 years old and 8 years old boys. I have trouble getting them out of the tablets. We are busy family with the take away shop and when we are busy serving customers, the boys will always play with their tablets. I tried to put the tablets away and let them doing something else eg. reading book, or homework but doesn’t work.
Any advise?
Thanks,
Tim
Hi Tim, I think this is a problem a lot of parents face these days.
One thing that has worked for us is a clear contract that explains exactly what is acceptable and what is not. And why. We don’t have a “written” contract, but you could try it if that’s the kind of thing your kids need.
Our contract is simple, no more than 1 hr of electronics at a time and no more than 2 hours in the entire day on weekends and holidays. And 20 minutes with an option for an additional 5-10 minutes bonus on weekdays if she finishes all evening activities ahead of time. If this policy is broken or argued with, the touchpad goes away for a week.
We sat her down one day and made it clear that the touchpad going away for a week is not a punishment. We talked to her about addiction, how we think she needs to have balance and she understands that the itch to want more is a sign of oncoming addiction that she needs to curb. Anything in moderation is fine, but if it starts to take over our lives we need to step back and reevaluate and that is what the 1 week without electronics is meant to achieve.
We haven’t had to put away the touchpad so far, but we’ve had to gently remind her of the policy several times 🙂
Good luck coming up with a contract that you and your kids agree upon. Do stop by and let us know how it goes!
Thanks Sumitha for the prompt reply.
I used to have a time table when they can plan. However, when I was not a round they will play again. They don’t follow the policy. I couldn’t take a way the tablet for long because they need it for the school. Even I take away for a short period, they will try to annoy me until I give them back.
Anyhow, I will try again and this time I will try to explain to them and be strict.
Thanks,
Tim
Fantastic tips and information also read this: http://www.indiaparenting.com/manners-and-discipline/95_5663/is-it-necessary-to-punish-children.html
HI MAM ,
MY daughter is 3 years old but can tell me how can i help her to grow up fine in her life by simple way.
These ideas work well at home but I am having a hard time with what is the appropriate action for school misbehavior. My son is in Kindergarten and I do not want to double punish him. After a few bad weeks we had a long talk and took away computer time for a week. That seemed to help and he had two great weeks. At school though he is punished by losing treasure box at the end of the week or possibly playground time for other more serious behavior. He usually just gets into trouble for not listening and/or following directions. However, recently he punched another child. My husband wants to punish him at home by taking away more privileges but I am not sure if that is the answer. How do I get across making better choices at school?
Hi,
Thanks for the tips, I will definitely try the majority if not all.
On another note, I hope you can help in this specific situation since I have 3 kids, very close in age, 6.5 year twins, and 7.5. All they want to do in the morning is play… I do work full time and end up with so much little time 5 – 10 min to get ready in the morning and wake up about 30 min before I go to wake them up. I try 3 to 4 times to ask nicely and gently, then after no positive response, my voice start getting louder, unfortunately, and that’s when they start listening. My purpose is for them to get them to get ready and have a little bite before heading to school. Looking forward to your reply!
Hi Samantha
I really have a lot of anxiety thinking that what I have been doing wrong for 9 years! I feel that all I do is yell and nag, and I really want to make a change! I want a happy house hold! I find my daughter is acting out looking for any attention whether it be good or bad, and I am now just seeing what I am doing wrong! I am excited for the 6 mini courses. I already started today on a positive note, praising her helping with the family dog and the morning really seemed to go smoothly for once. Fingers crossed!
Hi Geetha,
We have two sons with 2.6years age difference. Our elder son is 5yrs with Einstein Brain. He is very smart kid academically but less emotional…. It’s very difficult for him to understand and read someone’s facial or verbal emotions specially his lil bro. I don’t know how to make them happy together and make their bond strong so that if we are not there also they can be there for each other. He is very short tempered…..After hurting someone he feels sad till then time would have gone to say sorry. I try to keep myself cool but sometimes I just couldn’t control ony words…..Pls suggest something about it so that we can make it work for us and for the kids too.
My 6 year old grandson lives with me and his dad. His mother died when he was only an infant and has been with us since 3 1/2 months old. Being that he was my first grandchild and also the fact his mom died so young, I felt so sad he would never grow up knowing his mom. This was my son’s first child so needless to say he was spoiled in every way possible. Just recently, I lost my husband, his poppy, for which he was very close too. He is in first grade and has always been a handful according to his teacher, but now his behavior at school has going through the roof. He is acting out terribly and is even taunting classmates and then hit a aide because she said he was being mean. I know we let him get away with alot but never to that extent. We use time outs, etc. for his misbehaving and then reinforce why he was in time out. Even though he doesn’t say much about his poppy, I believe it is really affecting him. My husband picked him up everyday after school and took him alot of places. My son has talked to the principal and teacher and has asked for a guidance counselor to get involved. The school has said to my son that they are not allowed to discipline even the simplist discipline anymore but he is getting calls repeatedly about his son’s acting out. My son has said that the excessive calling is interrupting his job and with them being very clear that they can’t discipline him by law then to please send him an email and he will discipline him when he gets home. My problem is that my grandson is in school all day and dad works till later and to be punished for a school thing is taking away quality time from them to be with each other.
How much punishment should be dealt with at home for a school thing.
Any suggestions until we get the guidance counselor involved. We are still waiting to hear from the school. Are we doing the right thing by punishing when he gets home?
Hi, I like your article…i think I’m in the right path, it took me lots of time to reach this and I’m sure I need to learn more. I’m using time frames now to try and improve eating and getting ready to go to school and /or plainly leave the house…we just need patience, and persistence.
I have taken my 5yo food plate away and left him without lunch ONCE …it wasn’t pleasant and he didn’t die in the process, in fact he was not faced by it at all…after an hour he asked me for something to eat, I said no it’s not dinner time yet….again he asked after another little while…I did dinner early that evening and he ate all in time with the whole family. From then he now eats with us and we have a family meal all together. Sometimes he pulls the slow card again but I remind him of the consequences, he has managed to eat on time with us ever since.
I took a positive parenting class before and this reinforces many things I learned. I do try and talk with empathy, give choices, let consequences happen, etc. I find it very difficult to do some of these things when I feel my strong-willed daughter knows that what she is doing is wrong. Clearly something bigger is going on but I feel I get too annoyed and frustrated to potentially see what that is and she is unable to articulate it. I will say that when I’ve utilized some of these techniques I have found some success. Patience is challenging. I look forward to being part of this community.
Am So Happy that at end I found solutions to my problems Tanks very much.
Hi! Shumitha , my daughter is 5 years old ,we have lots of problem everyday to make her eat her breakfast and dinner. Everyday we gets late for her school because of her very slow eating habit! Don’t know how to change this behaviour. It’s not that she doesn’t like to eat but she takes extra long time to finish it up. We praised her and at times threatened her but nothing works…. she’s a healthy kid and is active too but we can’t understand why she behaves like this while eating. Please give me some tips to discipline her and myself as how to deal with the situation. From a Frustrated mom.
Thank you!
Hi Sumita,
I am a father of 9 year old beautiful , very well mannered and disciplined girl.
I want to develop reading habits in her.
She has many books..but she is not interested in reading, instead of she likes to watch TV or mobile.
Kindly give some suggestions
hello, to those seeking to adopt, Newborn baby girl and boy need homes now. We urgently needs new adopters family to provide a loving family care for them, if you’re thinking about having to adopt any of them please get in contact with us at: (federickagency@gmail.com) so that you can adopt the baby boy or girl .
Regards
skye
Hi! I’m a newbie here and I enjoy reading your blogs and other parents suggestions! I have two headstrong children, 3 and 1 year old so imagine the racket we always have in the house! They have this attitude that even they hear me asking them to do something like to eat or to nap, they ignore us and continue to do what they are doing. I am having a hard time establishing rules for both of them. Could you give me an advice what to do with my one year son who always climb everwhere, always pick and put everything in his mouth and would always turn off the tv by pressing the on/off button on the tv! Even if I distract him or tell him to stop or at one time spank him, he just laughs and maybe thinks I am joking even if I am very angry! I am struggling to potty train my 3yr old daughter, and to ask her to do things like to eat, to take a nap, and she is not very giving or sharing to her baby brother when it comes to food or toys or tablet. I hope the moms out here can give me tips! Thanks in advance!
I’m sure you’re information works normally, but unfortunately none of these or any other words help one iota with dealing with my daughter.
She’s 13, has ASD1, ADHD and severe generalised anxiety. She no longer goes to school, studies or bathes. She steals, lies, and has constant thoughts of self harm.
We have all the experts, and none of them have made a dent in her problems. Me and my wife feel that we have failed and have a failed child. We are both depressed, and have given up. The authorities have no answers, and her future is limited to staying at home doing nothing, assuming she doesn’t do the ultimate self harm.
She’s rubbed off on our son, who now only goes to school 2-3 days per week, and my wife stays up all night drinking, comes to bed in the morning and sleeps in neglecting the children, while I go to work with my health problems, trying just stay awake, getting forever further into debt.
In the end, these theories are just words. I hope they work for other people.
Sorry to hear. I am hoping that this has been positively resolved already, if not: David, yes, they are just theories: the thing is that you have to find the theory that works for you and your family. You need to find a competent empathic counselor, that doesn’t go by by the book to assume incorrectly, but one that actually knows people and human nature. This person must take on the responsibility of remediation for the entire family: it’s a family thing, that can be conquered , but all need to be involved, to do what’s required, according to the competent counselor. It’s going to take time, but will be worth it in the end. GOD Bless…
Keep up the good piece of work, I read few posts on this web site and I think that your website is really interesting and holds bands of superb info .
Thank you so much for this list. It’s been two years since my husband has been gone. So glad I discovered your blog. I’ve used most of your suggestions for anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, Memorial Day and Veteran’s Day and for just any day that I choose. All of the suggestions have really helped me to get through each day. I always forward your blog to others who are grieving or helping those who are grieving. Thank you.
With 5 girls, you can not have enough little girls carriages. I have other push strollers from this company and live them all “https://itday.com/dolls/top-baby-doll-strollers-reviews-guide-choose-best-stoller-baby-doll/
” but this specific one is preferable to the others. The denim fabric is practical and a little thicker than the other. I really love this one.
Starting by you predicting my words for sky, night and discipline wrong, made me not that interested to read.
I believe that the most important element to guid our kids is to understand and to guid ourselves well.
Thank you for what you’re doing.
Sky; limit
Night; shift
Discipline; me
What age does this parenting style become effective? It seems too sophisticated for most infants/children under the age of reason. Cheers, Dean
Yes, this is what I was thinking.
I have a VERY stubborn 4yr old boy who will not give the chance for any words to be given (even after some time has passed) nor listen and challenges all forms of discipline by reacting spitefully and thinking about his next way to get out of it rather than using that time to calm down.
Also, after deciding to do the ‘time in’ until child is ready to say sorry for hitting another. This seems wrong.
The child who got hurt should be getting the attention surely!
By saying to the child; the hitter “that wasn’t the best behaviour, let’s sit here and read until we’re ready to say sorry”
This seems strange, as they love books and attention and leaves them no time to think about their actions & it gives no solution to what to do or say to the sibling that was hit/screamed at/treated badly.
Grrr, I have a blog on my website and it sucks. I actually
removed it, but may need to bring it back. I was presented with by you inspiration!
Keep on writing!
I try to be a better parent. The current problem is that my little girl 8 years old does’t want to read.When I sit with her she Knows how to solve problems etc but Because I am working and I am not at home ii is very difficult to pursued her to start her homework without me .
Of courseI have the same problem with the foreign language she is learning. I have to tell her every single day to sit and make her homework..
What can I do ?
Thank you for these mini sessions!! My struggle is my patience with my kids and how I feel they just don’t listen to me- sibling rivalry and trying to stay firm and understanding to my boys?!? Is there a trick suggestions that can be used – I feel like I’m struggling so much and I feel like I can’t give them the time I need to- I have a 8 year old boy 6 year old boy and a 3 year girl- my girl is fine it’s just my two boys who are very energetic boys literally and are at war all the time heheh help!!
I faced the same problem like SOPHIE. I have a 7 years old son and he also doesn’t want to read. I am trying hard but i can’t. If you had any suggestion about this i will greatly appreciate it.
i appriciate your work amazingly explain everything keep it up
Really helpful I’ve bookmarked thus to cone back yo when I need help. 🙂
About your supper problem, my son does this too. Try rolling back bedtime an hour and thirty mins this gives ample time to continue the routine, foe example, I now start bedtime st 7:30pm and first we watch exactly three 24 min shows (Narito anime) then I sort of fib saying it’s bed time (bed time is actually at 8:30 now) so he immediately says “Im houngry!” so I’ll make him a `snack` thats actually supper in disguise. (I only do this if he’s so vey tired that he’s illogical and unreasonable.) If he’s tired, but rational (for a kid.) Then he can pick two choices for supper.
Don’t feel bad for a little fibby it’s late at night and he or she really just wants to spend more time with you. You can also demystify the alure if staying up late by letting them stay up late as they can manage once a week. My son gets to do this every Friday. We’ll watch tv or read on the couch, nothing exciting, lol.
What’s cool is when he started later on saying he was tired and wanted to go to bed. Win!
My biggest problem lately is getting him to understand not to kuck the back of my seat when Grandma is driving. @$%!
Sorry about the typos, I try but I just don’t type well on moible.
nice post, being positive is always good for discipline!
Dear parents, you are so special to me. And for Sumitha, I am more than humbled by your kindness to all the parents and children in the world.
The comments have been so educative to me. I am going to start practing some of them right away.
I am a single mother of two children, 10 year old daughter and 3.6 year boy. I have made up my mind that those two children are enough for me. It has always and still is my wish to raise well displined, focused, God fearing and brilliant children.
However, I was beginning to get alittle bit frastrated when I see my daughter not becoming what I want her to become. She is the kind of a child who looks very bright to both I the parent and the teachers but when it comes to her performance in class she gets very law grades. She is the kind of a child who looses her things all the time at school. She is in primary five but up to now I have to be on her back to prepare herself on time for school. If I do not continue reminding her what to do you will find her relaxed, telling stories like as if she is going no where. She prefers sitting on the computer to either play games or watch videos to reading her books. She loves things like singing and wanting to become a model yet in the African setting those are expensive life skills which I the mother can not afford to train her in. In my heart Iam like will this child really be what I wish her to be!!!!
The brother is alitle more organised though he also has alot of anger in a way that every time he does wrong and we stop him he runs to bed and covers himself for some few minutes for his anger to cool down then he joins us again in a normal mood.
My biggest worry is my daughter! You can Imagine today I sent her to school without packing any bites because she has lost her packing containers in two concircutive days. As a parent I was feeling bad though consoling myself that may be that would teach her a lesson to be responsible for her school items.
I will try some of the ideas shared on this platform, and more others particular to my scenario are most welcome. Please make me a proud mother by guiding me how to rise super children.
Big ups once again to you all the parents on this platform for your wonderful ideas!
very nice info about positive discipline thanks
Hello Sumitha, I just wanted to say thank you for the 2019 Parenting Conference sessions! I just watched the one with Dr. Ross, and I have watched all of them so far, they are great and I am learning a lot. 🙂
My sister is very aggressive and reckless and me and my parents are trying to behave her by spanking and other things.Sometimes, when she irritates us,I would get angry and started yelling and hitting at her.When we don’t give what she want,she’ll start yelling and trantuming in front of us.I was so irritated,but also sad at her because of this and I don’t know what to do.Please give some advice,I really don’t want my sister to be like this.
So much yes in this whole article! I especially love the natural consequence suggestion.
Natural consequences teach so much better.
Great article.
Hello, I enjoyed the reading: I was actually looking for faults. I read it all and it seemed to be very good advise. I’ve heard women (mother’s, aunt’s, grandmother’s etc.) that no idea how to correct and teach (discipline) a child in the proper way: they abuse their authority, and mentally and spiritually harm these precious individuals. Though I am a man, husband, and daddy it would be wise if other women were disciplined (taught correctly) according to the ways that you have described above. As a psychologist/counselor I do discipline my children with love (correct, teach, and talk) it works much better. Maybe I can write an article that comes from a daddy’s perspective, and how children need the discipline of both mommy and daddy, and how they differ, but come together toward the same purpose of raising mentally and behaviorally healthy children to become respected and wise mature adults. Let me know if you would be interested.
Implementing the Positive Discipline methods is helping me with my family communication. Thank you
I learned so much about logical consequences from this book. I also learned how to let children manage their conflicts in an effective and uplifting manner. This is a must read!
This is so informative and inspiring. Thank you so much for sharing this ideas and strategies.🙏
Our children sometime also teach us to action more gently, positive.
I know this post is for too long ago but now it’s still make me smile and understand more about who is us? How can we do as parent for our children get the best environment to grow best!
Thank you much for sharing!
This is an amazing blog, so many insightful instances of understanding and problem solving. Very encouraging and uplifting. This makes me want to hold my, now teenage, yet always baby daughter, even closer and with a more open mind and a new sense of encouraging respect. She has always been beautiful, brilliant, kind, and, my breath of fresh air, I hope she knows and I can continue to let her know just how extraordinary she is, strong, resilient, and how absolutely adored and loved she is. My beautiful baby.
I never thought about asking my kids questions or stating facts to get less resistance when I need them to do something. I don’t want to be a controlling parent. So hopefully, these techniques will me avoid that and come off as a caring father.
Starting by you predicting my words for sky, night and discipline wrong, made me not that interested to read.