Let’s try something quick…
Let’s say you are responsible for putting together an event – a dinner party, a family gathering, a church fundraiser, a client meeting, a mini-conference… go ahead, pick something that works for you.
You are pretty pumped up about being responsible for the task. You are also a little nervous about how it will all turn out.
One day, while you are slogging your butt off and figuring out the nitty-gritty details, you walk into your co-event-planners and overhear them muttering – “She’s so bossy” (or “He’s such a dictator”) before they suddenly realize you’re in the room and change the topic.
You are pretty sure they were talking about you.
What would your attitude be going forward? Would you be as pumped up about it as before? Would you have second thoughts about the way you are going about handling the responsibility? Maybe scale down some of your grand plans a little?
Or maybe you would drive people a little harder just to prove a point?
Now let’s flip that situation a bit… what if you had overheard — “She (or He) is so cool and really knows how to get things done”.
What would your attitude be now as you move ahead with the project?
Essentially “Bossy” and “Dictator” mean the same thing — someone who is trying to get things done. Yet, because of the negative connotation these labels have, they leave a sour taste in your mouth, and undermine your ability to stay enthusiastic about the project anymore.
Now let’s step out of this hypothetical scenario and look into our homes.
How many times in a day do we label our kids in not so flattering ways?
“Gosh, just look at Janice… she’s got chocolate all over herself! What am I going to do with this messy child!”
“Billy left a marker on the sofa with the cap off! Look at that stain! What an irresponsible kid!”
“I was late to office again! Kate’s such a slow-poke… I wonder when that kid will learn the value of time!”
And on and on I could go. Some of this is not meant to be “labels” but they stick nevertheless – if nowhere else, then in the mind of the child who overheard it.
We don’t intend to be mean. We don’t intend to scar our children. And most often, we don’t even realize we are doing it.
Yet, it can have a huge impact on your child’s behavior for the rest of the day, and if a label sticks, then possibly the rest of his/her life!
Now, going back to that hypothetical event planning story, from the co-event-planners perspective – if they perceive you as “bossy” or a “dictator” they are less likely to feel motivated to work with you to put together a great event. On the other hand, if they think you really are a “leader” who can get this event done in a spectacular manner, chances are they will be clamoring to help you get there.
It is the same thing with us parents.
How we behave with our kids depends on what labels we see them through. If we look at them through the lens of negative labels, our response to their actions is likely to be more critical. When we look at them through the lens of positive labels, we are in a better position to be their champion, their cheer leaders.
In short, what we say matters — not just what we say to our kids, but what we say about them to others… and to ourselves. The labels we choose, either consciously or by default, can make a huge impact on how we parent and how our kids perceive themselves.
For this week, let’s take a look at labels and work on developing some positive ones for our kids.
The following exercise is inspired by the chapter “A Different Point of View” from the book Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. Have you read it? If not, I highly recommend the book, especially if you have a child that you view as “difficult”, “strong-willed” or “stubborn”. This book has had a huge impact on me and has been such an eye-opener, helping me a great deal in the way I view my child.
You don’t need to have read the book to participate in this week’s exercise though… I’ll assume you have not read the book and explain the parts relevant to this exercise. Of course, it goes without saying, the book has a heck of a lot more than what I can cover in one article and I’ll just be focusing on the “labels” part of it.
The author points out in the book that the labels we give our children can become self-fulfilling prophecies. Children learn who they are from others in their lives, most notably the parents. The labels we use convey to our children our view of them and the expectations we have of them, and they will act to those expectations irrespective of whether they are positive or negative.
Negative labels are not easy for the parents either. When parents think of their children through these negative labels, we feel
- Fear about how the kids will turn out
- Confusion about what we ought to do to “fix” the situation
- Resentment towards the child for not meeting the standard societal expectations
- Shame that we somehow screwed up
- Embarrassment in the presence of others for our child’s behavior
- Exhaustion of having to deal with it day in and day out
- Anger that the situation turned out the way it did
So what can we do?
For starters, we can redesign those labels with a positive vision.
When kids overhear being referred to in positive ways, they will respond positively.
When we think of our kids in a positive way, we are better equipped to handle the situations life throws at us.
And that kicks into motion a nice little positive feedback cycle.
So, this week’s exercise is simple.
Grab a piece of paper, or use the comments section below to write down all the words that you can think of that describe the crazy, obnoxious things your children do that drive you crazy.
Next, pull from your memory your favorite image of your child. Hold on to that image as you look through the list of lousy labels and discover the hidden potential of your child masked by the negativity of the label. And start listing them next to (or below) your other list..
Here is my list –
| Old Negative Labels | New Exciting Labels |
| Bossy | Leader, takes initiative |
| Demanding | Decisive, knows what she wants |
| Possessive | Good stewardship |
| Argumentative | Good negotiator, logical reasoner |
| Loud | Bubbly, energetic, full of life |
| Nosy | Curious, logical reasoner |
| Stubborn, whiny | Persistent |
| Aloof, Self-centered | Independent |
| Aggressive | Stands up for her beliefs |
| Nit-picky | Meticulous, knows what she wants |
As you can see (and as I felt when I had made the list the first time), everything that annoys us in the kids is an amazing positive characteristic that we would love to see in them as adults.
And trust me, this makes a huge difference. My daughter is just 5 and boy, can she boss around. I used to be annoyed/irritated when she would insist on me doing something in a particular way that seemed totally ridiculous to me. And when I watched her bossing over her softer-mannered friends, I used to worry that she will have no friends if she keeps bossing them so much. And a part of me felt guilty because, well, she gets it from me (multiplied by what she inherited from my husband).
When I started seeing her through the new lens that she is capable of good leadership skills, that she is decisive and knows what she wants, it really changed my perspective. I feel proud of her now instead of being embarrassed or worried. I have a much clearer view of my role as a parent as I think of how to hone these positive skills, than when I fretted about how to break the negative traits. My job now is to groom her to be a leader that she naturally is, to show her how to channel this trait to get the best results, how to communicate so she can inspire instead of intimidate and generally, show her how amazing she really is!
I am now sailing with the winds, instead of against them.
Parenting seems a lot more like fun than a chore.
The 2-Minute Action Plan for Fine Parents
Take the next 2-minutes (or maybe a little more this week) to put together your list. Seriously, even if you are skeptical, try it. When you list out the negative labels, you’ll be amazed at how many negative feelings you harbor against your kids (don’t worry, you are not alone — most of us do, and it’s often unintentional). And as you work through the positive labels, you’ll be even more amazed at the great potential your kids have!
As always, I urge you to actually put it down in writing because it helps your brain be a lot more effective than if you were to just hold the thoughts in your head as you work through them (a proven fact – check out the book Your Brain at Work: Strategies for Overcoming Distraction, Regaining Focus, and Working Smarter All Day Long). So, grab a sheet of paper to do it the old fashioned way, or post it in the comments section below (if you are worried about privacy, just use a “pen” name). If you are stuck trying to come up with a good positive label, let us know and we will all work together to come up with some positive twists and you can choose the ones that work the best for you.
The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents
Over the next week, let’s focus on two simple things –
- Pay attention to the labels we unintentionally use when we talk/think about our kids, and
- Make a conscious attempt to start thinking of our kids with the positive labels
And special brownie points to anyone who finds ways to use those positive labels not just in conversations about their kids, but even in conversations with their kids!
Great post with great advice. I’ve often been amazed at how much kids (even really young kids) overhear. They understand a lot more than we give them credit for, and I love putting it all in perspective the way you did. This is excellent advice even for the way you treat your significant other. It’s so easy to focus on the negative and not find the positive.
“You forgot the dishes in the other room when you did the dishes!”
instead of
“Thanks for taking the initiative to do the dishes, I noticed a few in the other room and I set them by the sink.”
Seeing other through a positive lens helps your own outlook for yourself, too. It’s all around a win-win situation, and I’m happy for the reminder. Thanks!
Miss Growing Green, your’e so right! While I’ve been focusing my attention on how this pertains to the way we raise our kids, it’s not just about that… By extending this idea to the way we look at all the people in our lives – our spouse, our boss, our colleagues – we can significantly change the way our day (not to mention theirs!), and the way our life in general turns out!!!
Thanks for the wonderful insight, Miss Growing Green!
Negative labels. Positive reframe
Argumentative. Good negotiator
Unfocused. Creative
Messy. Easy going
All over the place. Taking it all in
Disorganized. Low key
Loud. Lively and joyful
Show offy. Confident
Gosh, I love those — particularly the “show offy —> confident” and “all over the place —> taking it all in”. I need to add those to my list as well 🙂 Thanks for sharing, Julie!
Chatterbox – Great vocabulary
Noisy – Happy
Manipulative – Leadership qualities
Determined – Staying Power
Distracted – Plentiful Idea’s
Hard Work – Life of the Party!
Thank you for this exercise, It does help.
I love your posts they provide alot of comfort and reassurance 🙂
As a child I fell victim to alot of labels. They are imbedded in my psyche, reinforced over the years as other family members bandy them about. It does damage the soul and I hope to never do that to the other people in my world. It is really hard to not make judgements and to remove labels from ordinary conversation, but these days I just try to listen more and talk less.
Thanks for your kind words, Hurry-up T! It’s amazing how much this exercise helps, right?
I am sorry to hear about the labels you got as a child, but so happy to see that you have chosen to move past them and be a more positive influence in the life of the people around you. I love the tip about talking less and listening more — I need to try that. Like your child, I have a “great vocabulary” that I exercise all the time 😉
Hi Sumitha,
I have a question that is not closely related to this post, but I’d like some advice please.
My brother has two daughters, one 8mths and one 3 years old.
I think that both he and his wife would benefit from the advice your blog offers (I think your blog is great).
However, I want to be sensitive to their situation and not suggest they are doing a bad job raising their kids.
Do you have any advice as to how I could point them to your site without stepping on their parenting toes?
Any advice would be much appreciated.
thanks,
Nigel.
Thanks for your kind words, Nigel! It is so touching that you want to pass this site to your brother and sister-in-law while remaining sensitive to their situation!
What I’ve realized is that most parents are good parents. Even though sometimes it may look like we don’t have our acts together, deep down we all want the best for our kids. This site is about taking that goodness in parents, and helping them get past the inevitable hurdles of everyday child rearing, and take things to the next level… to parent at their full potential and become really great parents. Perhaps you can point to your brother and sister-in-law that the reason you are suggesting this site is that you inherently believe that they are good parents, and would like to share with them something that can help them kick it up a notch and become great?
Thanks.
n
This is an awesome article, and very fitting for us right now. Thank you for this helpful exercise. It’s important that we, as parents, see the best in our kids! Even though our two children are still quite young, they both have acquired some negative labels from frustrated parents and family. And even though these descriptive terms aren’t meant to tear down or hurt, they do have a negative connotation and should be switched with positive words. Thank you!!
3 year old
Wild – vivacious, spirited, fun-loving, exuberant
Bossy – takes initiative, leader
Shy – demure, modest, reserved, thoughtful observer
Sl-o-o-o-w – mindful, lives in the moment, stops to smell the roses (seriously, on every bush. True story!)
1 year old
Stubborn – determined, persistent, knows what she wants
Aggressive – spunky, feisty
Thanks for the kind words Janelle! You made me laugh out loud with the “smell the roses” comment… I bet it happened when you were really late to get somewhere too…. ahhh, kids 🙂
But you raise a good point there by replacing “sl-o-o-o-w” with “lives in the present”… I never quite thought of it that way! Reading your comment made me realize that while I am currently trying to be more mindful and present in my own life, unwittingly I’m pulling my daughter our of hers! Thanks for the wonderful reminder to stop to smell the roses (in our case “pick some wild flowers” while out on a walk meant to get some exercise :)).
Thanks for the advice, I will try using positive labels from now on. It’s very frustrating when kids are not putting in the required effort and lagging behind. I find this blog very useful.
@Eqbosimba, you are welcome! Yeah, when kids don’t put in the required effort, it can be quite frustrating. The trick is to try and motivate them the right way, and when you achieve that, they will stop lagging behind of their own accord. Like all things parenting, it is wonderfully challenging to figure out how to nudge while remaining gentle and understanding…. Take it head on and watch your kids (and yourself) blossom! Good luck.
I agree that this is also great advice for relating to my husband.
My son is 7 months old. I think I will save this exercise for when he’s a bit older.
@Tara, I’ve found that a LOT of things that I am trying out to become a better parent has helped me become a better spouse as well 😉
About saving the exercise for later until your son is a little older: I remember that a lot of the “negative labels” that I associated with my daughter at a later stage got their roots (rather innocently) at a much younger age. For instance, when she was a baby, she would coo and caa until we gave her attention and I remember talking to my mom about “how she knows to get the attention when she wants, and will surely be a handful when she grows up” and that turned out to be a self-fulfilling prophesy! Just being aware of your thoughts right now may help you have very little to work through when you do try this exercise at a later date when you son is older!
Good luck — enjoy your baby… that’s such a fun age!
child1:
stubborn – sticks to her guns, knows what she wants
intolerant of others – doesn’t put up with what she doesn’t like
unconventional – interesting, not constrained by conventions
sloppy – errr?
sickly – courageous
I could do with some help on sloppy – belongings fall off her and get lost (eg wallet down the sofa cushions) she is great at cleaning up but not so good at tidying up as she goes or making less mess in the first place (I can hear my judgement and rules but it’s how I’m built!)
child2:
obsessive reader – loves books
doesn’t listen – concentrates hard, is very focused
hard to get his attention – not easily distracted
is easily distracted (eg can’t get dressed without being distracted by a book) – knows what he loves (any other ideas for this one?)
goes on and on about things – persistent, strong-minded
won’t get his hair cut – unconventional, creative
taunts his sister – he’s a child, these are teachable moments for both of them
is a know-it-all – has acquired a lot of information
is full of his own superiority – is successful, confident and proud of himself
child3:
whiny – frustrated, angry, trying to be powerful and get what she wants
bossy – knows what she wants and says so
stubborn – persistent, focused
cute – funny, creative, loving, artistic
For context, child 1 is female, 19; child 2 is male, 9; child 3 is female 6 🙂
Debra, Thanks so much for sharing! FWIW, I think you’ve come up with some really neat alternatives!
About “sloppy” — how about “happy-go-lucky” (i.e., not fussy about her surroundings or belongings) or “being a teenager” (I’m a control freak now, but I was not very careful about my stuff when I was your daughter’s age)?
About “is easily distracted (eg can’t get dressed without being distracted by a book)” — I love what you have. Not sure if anything can be better than “knows what he loves”, but just to put some more ideas in the hat how about “laser focused”, “passionate about knowledge”, “budding genius” (it’s probably not a good idea to saddle him with such a heavy label even though it is positive, but a good one for you to think of him as such), “knows his priorities”.
My daughter is 5, so I can totally relate to your youngest ones labels 🙂
Thanks for “being a teenager”. It suggests for me that it’s something she can grow out of.
I thought “cute” was interesting and I had to think about whether to put it down or not, but for a little girl “cuteness” is an easy default and not empowering for her in the long run.
for knows what he loves would be a positive- the negative side could be obsessive. see! you are on your way to positive.
PS Thanks for the great book suggestions. They are both in my library so I can read them within my budget!
Not a problem. Glad to hear your library has it. I am switching over more and more to listening to books (through the audible app on phone) since I can do it while driving, doing chores, or while waiting anytime, anywhere…
My son has always been very curious – even as an infant. He likes watching the world around him and always has. When he’d hear something interesting, he would whip his little around to get a good look. My mother in law would call him ‘nosy.’ I didn’t like it because of the negative connotations. I would say, He’s not nosy, he’s inquisitive. She laughed but understood. And still to this day will describe him as inquisitive. I really like this article because I’ve always believed our words have lasting effects on our children. I felt a little crazy asking my MIL not to tell my 2 month old he is nosy but something in my gut told me it wasn’t good and I knew we could find a better word to describe his curiosity. I always try to be mindful of my phrasing when I am talking to my son and my husband is working on it as well. The issues I come across now are dealing with family members that don’t understand or care to understand. Maybe I can email this article to them!
Awww…. Kristin, I think you did good by your son! I can imagine how awkward the situation might have been telling your MIL that your son is not nosy, but inquisitive!
My in-laws will be staying with us for a couple of months during summer…. while they are really nice, I’m sure I’ll have a few of these moments. I’ll use your story as an inspiring example when stuck in a situation trying to decide if I should say something, or let things slide 🙂 Thank you so much for sharing!
Thanks Sumitha,
I am very glad going through your blog. In fact, i was searching for such posts since long but could not find one that suits my requirements. I am sure it will help me and my kids in terms of grooming their positive labels. Thanks
Would be looking forward for such blogs in future as well.
So glad you’ve found us Fauzia. It’s a wonderful community and I think you might like it here. Welcome on board 🙂
This is great and I already have a few positive to match the negative. The only one I’m struggling with -his negative is he fights with other kids when he doesnt get his way. How do i turn that into positive?
“He can stand up for himself” and eventually “for others, what he believes in […]”. When you think of it, that is a great trait to have as a grow up and a defining characteristic of leaders. The only thing is to channel how he expresses it.
My daughter is the same way. It’s a continuous, ongoing effort to teach her to “use words instead of hands” and to “use kind and gentle words instead of ordering/bossing around”, but I can see a marked difference in her from the time I started on this journey and now. It’s liberating when you have a clear role (in my case, guide my daughter to find the right way to express herself) than when you resist or feel agitated/embarrassed about what comes naturally to them!
Thanks Sumitha once again amazing article. Amazing responses too got most of positives for my list. Very true we can do this exercise with all people we deal in our surroundings. But it has to come from within. Will surely try.
As for my three year old
Stubborn= knows what’s she want( gets her way)
Embarrassing: free by nature
Messy: creative
Unorganized( clean up time is a task) : ? ( lights up the house:)
Thanks your tv watching truck after meal is working thank you so much.
Those are some great alternate labels, Mahek. I like the “lights up the house” for Unorganized 🙂 You could also go with “endearing” or “leaves reminder of how lucky I am to have a wonderful family” 🙂 Alternately, if you want, you could also go with “reminds me that I am to be her guide and teach her things she doesn’t already know” and challenge yourself to teach her to be organized in a kind, creative manner without resorting to force, yelling or other punitive strategies. One of the things I am learning about parenting is that it is as much fun as we make it… over the years, through simple reframing like these, I’ve started to enjoy some of the things that I used to find annoying before. It is a very fulfilling feeling 🙂
Glad the TV after meal trick is working. And so happy to have you in our community! I love your comments – they are always so enthusiastic 🙂
Thanks for your response I shared your response about nursery with family n they all cud understand as you linked it. Thanks dear. About teaching or guiding her to be organized I need few tricks hope you can help me . She leaves her mark everywhere. I try and help her by trying together doesn’t work. Please thanks. Lots of love Mahek.
THANK YOU for this article!! Your daughter sounds just like mine. Those words described her perfectly. I have read Raising Your Spirited Child, but it is so easy to forget… I love your thoughts about grooming your daughter to use her natural trait to be the leader that she is meant to be. That is what I need to work on – focusing on the positive aspects and how if I help groom her, they will suit her well one day.
So glad the article resonated with you, Shelly. Thank you for letting me know. Considering your daughter is just like mine, I know you have your work cut out for you. When we apply the same labeling philosophy to how we think of it though — eg, it is my privilege, rather than a chore, to guide and channel her — the whole process becomes so much more enjoyable 🙂
Good luck to you in raising a fantastic daughter!
I have three children I adopted a year ago. They are age 8-14. My daughter is more of the “spirited child” and I have already been working on not giving her negative labels and comments. I totally understand how these things can stick with us. One little comment from a stranger or overheard can affect me all day or even much longer. So I am aware. However, I have more trouble not feeling negative things about my sons. They really only seem to be interested in video games and annoying each other. I NEVER say these things out loud, but I would love to have some insight on how to put positive spin on these characteristics, so that I can try to think differently about them. I have made a list of the worst things that I use to describe them (only in my head) below. OF COURSE they have other good characteristics that I say out loud often, so please don’t attack me for this list.
Boring
Slow
Lazy
Careless
Thoughtless
Provoking
Please help me with my list. Thanks!
Lisa, I totally get what you mean! One of the moms in our community put together an article to address exactly this situation…. I don’t know if you joined us before or after that article was published, but here it is. Take a look – I think you might find it very helpful in putting a positive spin on video game obsession:
How to Handle Your Child’s Video Game Obsession Positively
FWIW, I think you’re doing awesome! Wish you the very best on this demanding, but fulfilling, journey!
Yes, I did read that article before. I wish I could say that we do that here, but I don’t feel like I have the strength…Our policy is no games on weeknights but whatever they want to do on weekends. This has been going on since school started back up, and I feel like it needs to change, but I don’t know what to replace it with. The boys get up early in the morning and sit there literally all day. This means they are playing for about 15 hours. I know. It’s horrifying. They take about a 3-5 minute break for wolfing down lunch or dinner. If we have a planned activity (movies, etc) they will stop, but they never, EVER, stop voluntarily. I can make them go outside, and they go with only a little bit of whining. Sometimes they have fun.
But they never decide on their own to do ANYTHING else. Never. I try to interest them in other activities, but they are bored by them, and I find it tiring trying to think of something. I end up doing the project myself and they come drift off and come back later to see how it turned out.
In the summer, they had to take breaks for at least an hour after 2 hours of play. But all they ever did during that time was watch tv. I know! Why as a parent do I let them switch one screen for another? But frankly at this point, I feel like The Regular Show is a vast improvement.
I know I should crack down on them, but I might be too weak. So anyway, back to my original comment, could anyone please help me think of some positive ways of looking at their incredibly one-dimensional personalities?
I think you might be giving yourself a lot less credit than you deserve Lisa! You love them, and keep them off screen on weekdays. That’s a great start! It is just a matter of extending it to weekends and holidays.
You mentioned that your kids are 8-14. So they are old enough for rational, logical discussions. So why not get them to come up with a solution?
Perhaps, collect a few research articles that show why too much video games/TV/screen time is not a good idea. Sit them down. Show them the research. Tell them you love them too much to let them ruin their lives. Acknowledge that you understand they are very attached to these. Ask them to come up with a plan to break the habit/addiction and what they need from you to help them get through it.
Set a goal (ex. no more than 2 hours of screen time a day by March) and ask them to come up with a weaning off / de-addiciton plan. Do everything you can to be supportive, including a commitment to not yell and be understanding when they fail to stick with their plans (they will likely slip up at least a few times – weaning off something is never easy). Maybe you can have a reward system. Maybe a celebratory trip in Summer if they make it. Whatever works for you.
As long as you discuss it openly, they come up with a solution, and you commit to supporting them calmly and lovingly, I think it should work (at least in theory!)
If you try this, I know the next few months will be rough, but you are already doing so much… why not take a few extra steps, difficult as they may be? Wish you the very best!
Thank you! You know, I think that getting the boys involved and asking for them to come up with a plan is something I can try. I will let you know how it comes out!
I’d love to hear how it goes, Lisa. Good luck!!!
hi. my list of negative is
annoying
teasing
irresponsible
ignorant
repetitive mistakes box
hyper.
please let me know the positive labels for the same as am lost n tired of thinking on this n trying to fix it….
*Thank you* for your insightful parenting tips. You make a lot of sense. Some of these (that I list below) I realized years ago were negative and began to exchange them for more positive words, and you are absolutely right about that making a positive difference! But sadly, I see now (hopefully it’s not too late to mend their psyche’s) that there are still some I need to eliminate from my descriptions bank. Truth be told, I actually needed to reference my Thesaurus for some of these–talk about how ingrained the negative labels become (it’s a generational thing in my family and my husband’s)–that they sadly come to us so naturally. It’s about time we make some of these deliberate vocabulary changes! Here’s my list (some I’ve said, some I’ve simply thought, which is just as bad):
child #1 (13)
Complainer/Negative: Believer in righteousness/justice
Mean/Spiteful when feeling wronged: Rule enforcer
(“so slow/A.D.D.”)—Deliberate/takes her time to process so she does it right
(Perfectionist)—Careful to do her best
(Spacey/not paying attention)— Deep thinker/Introspective
(Stubborn)—Determined
(Painfully shy in public)— Low Key
(a Follower)—Reserved/Keenly Observant
(Argumentative)—Passionate Defender
(Opinionated)—Knows what she wants out of life
……….and yes, we’re trying to encourage this child to go to law school 🙂
child #2 (10)
Loud: Enthusiastic
Never stops talking: Thoroughly enjoys life & sharing that joy
Sloppy/Careless: Laid Back/not worried about status quo
Doesn’t listen: Focused on task at hand
Scattered: Highly Creative
Doesn’t care about dressing nicely or fixing hair: Non-Conformist
Doesn’t sit still: Full of Energy
You’re welcome, and thank you for such kind words!
I don’t think it is ever too late to change things for the better… there’s a Chinese saying that I love that goes something like “The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The second best time is now”. I love it and use it as a mantra when I feel like I may have missed a chance or messed up in my ignorance. It comes in so handy when parenting kids like yours and mine that are a handful, but delightfully so nevertheless. Good luck!
PS: I love your pen-name “Still-Learning Mom” — it shows such a wonderful commitment to the growth mindset, and as long as you have that, I think it’ll all work out 🙂
I so appreciate your kindness and encouragement!
I truly believe in what you write in your posts. Looking forward to reading more.
I also believe we parents need to stick together.;-) Best to you as you continue along your positive “growth mindset” path, as well!
Everyone has been so creative and affirming, can you turn your minds to some positive labels for stay at home parents? My first granchild was born in April and I wnat hte new parents to feel positive about what they are doing as homemakers and parents but when I searched for a positive label it was this blog that came up, no affirming labels for parents. “nurturing guide and rock” ???
Congratulations on becoming a new ganny, Annie 🙂
I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for the past 3 years after having thought of myself as a “career woman” all my life. The transition wasn’t without it’s challenges. Here are some of the “labels” that make me feel empowered by this role rather than oppressed/suffocated by it –
– “Matriarch” — I’ve always been impressed by strong matriarchal women in movies and novels who are intentional and purposeful and set the direction for whole families and generations. One day, I realized that I am that person for our family. I can choose to own the role or ignore it… just owning it makes life feel so much more purposeful, fulfilling and motivating
– “North star/Guide” — My daughter is just starting to understand that there is a right and a wrong way to do things, and that there isn’t always a clear visible line between the two. When I see myself as the north star that is always there to guide her, it inspires me to inspect closely what I believe in, what I value, my own humanness, failures and the ability to rise from from, and generally try to become a better person and a better role model.
– “The creator of calm, peace, mindfulness, presence, [etc.]” — Both my daughter and I are strong-willed. Which also means (at least in our case) that we get easily agitated under triggering situations. By choosing to be a stay-at-home mom, I choose an simpler, calmer pace for our life and choose to enjoy the moments, rather than simply focus on raking up more money. It has it’s tradeoffs, but I make the choice intentionally and make it work for us.
I know there are others depending on when you ask me, but these are the ones I can think of from the top of my mind at the moment. I hope you and your family enjoy raising the little one and all the wonderful (and challenging) things that come with it 🙂
Thank you so much for this article. I made my list for both my daughter and my husband. Next I’ll do a list for myself.
I love your blog! Keep up the good work!
You know, I’ve done this list several times for my daughter and a few times for my husband, but never once thought to do one for myself. What a great idea! Thanks, Kay.
Great article and lots of good advice that my husband and I can incorporate into our parenting! A couple of the labels on our negative list is “defiant” and disrespectful”. We cannot come up with any positive alternative of those 2 traits! BTW, our daughter is 9 years old.
Suggestions?
Thank you!
Thanks, Michelle.
My daughter is like that too (she is 8 years old). I like to think of it as “someone with a strong personality”, “knows her mind”, “decisive”, “not easily swayable”, “someone who can stand up for herself” and the likes of that.
She is quite strong willed and I’ve come to realize that she is not defiant and disrespectful to intentionally annoy me (most of the time, at least), but because she has a strong inner core which listens only to her… and so when what I say either does not agree with what she things the way things should be, or what she wants; or something that makes her curious to explore, she pushes back.
These are great qualities to have in an adult, as long as it is channeled well and respectfully, which is what I am trying to teach her these days. Some days, I even get a “Mom, I don’t mean to be rude, but I was wondering if…” before she disagrees… I will take that as progress 🙂
PS: If you haven’t read it yet, please check out this article that one of the moms in our community wrote for us –
How to Deal with a Defiant Child (And Reduce Future Defiance!)
This was a lovely article! Thank you!
I am going to take some time to twos re-word the thoughts I have over my kids.
One I know I’ll struggle with is : bully. My 5 year old is such a bully towards the other kids in the house . 2 older siblings and a younger one are so bullied by him. And I have myself saying it more than once that “he’s the bully in the family” and I hate saying it but often do.
Thanks for reaching out, Mom-of-4.
How about authoritative?
Bullying is a negative manifestation of authority. Authority by itself is not a bad thing… as a matter of fact is is one of the sought after qualities in grownups and a key ingredient of good leadership.
When you start thinking of your child as someone with authority or born leadership skills, it is so much easier to set aside the fears that the word ‘bully’ conjures up in your mind, and look for ways to channel their inherent personality and guide them into expressing themselves in more positive manner.
And start thinking of things like:
What can I put him in-charge of that lets him express his authoritative nature and thrive in it?
How can I nurture the leadership skills while slowly and gently curbing the negative manifestations?
And slowly, instead of admonishing him about not doing something, you will start saying things like “Would you look at that… you are only 5 and you are already taking such good care of your little brother/sister” and other positively reinforcing statements.
From experience, I can tell you this takes a lot of time and patience! That said, starting to see the flip side of the coin in your mind will help you get there sooner rather than later.
Good luck!
4 yr old:
Slow – Observes every detail
Distracted – She focuses on things passionate to her
Forgetful – ?? But I love hearing her say, “OH! I forgot momma”
So Sensitive – Lover not a fighter. I know she’ll be the kindest woman ever.
3 yr old:
Bossy – Natural leader
Fighter – She’s passionate
Oh so stubborn – Determined & focuses on a goal.
She’s the “meanest” (or more determined) of my 3, but she is such a great helper & has really good listening skills.
2 yr old:
Stubborn – Knows what she wants & won’t let anything stop her.
Gets mad easily – ?? She’s 2! It’s normal right?
Likes to argue – Good negotiator.
She is really nice to her sisters & when they play pretend she somehow convinces the oldest to be the daughter, the middle one to be the baby yet she ends up being the mom! Haha I love my girls. This exercise helped me reflect on all the good about my girls & remember how much happiness they bring to my life. Thank you! You’re amazing. (:
Wow, just reading your list put a huge smile on my face. I’m one of 3 girls and I love my sisters. So I have a soft spot for your family dynamics. And you kids look like such little angels 🙂
I think you are doing an awesome job looking at the positives in each of them. For the two places where you have “??” — I think you can just chalk it up as age-appropriate behavior. Kids that age are so focused on what they are doing at the moment that they can easily forget other things and get mad when they are distracted. The fact that your oldest admits that she forgot speaks so much about the kind of person she is! And I bet your youngest makes up for all those moments of getting mad with an abundance of cuteness later 🙂
With 3 under 5, you have your work cut out for you! I really admire that you are still making time to read articles like this and then take the time to work through what it means for your family (which is the goal of the action plans). I’m so, so happy to have you in our community. Wish you the very best!
Thank you for your kind words! I’m just trying to be the best mom I can be for my girls. Thank you!
I love this article. I made my list but the one I struggle with the most is my daughter who is super whiny. She whines about everything, when her siblings bother her, when things don’t go her way, I feel like it happens all day long some days! If I can help myself with a positive spin on this one, I know it’ll change is both for the better. Her whining is my kryptonite!
Yes, well, when my nearly 4 year old pushes his nearly 2 year old brother onto the floor because he was climbing his back to get some popcorn, forgive me if “stands up for his beliefs” doesn’t come to mind and instead I think “why on Earth is he being so aggressive over the popcorn?”
Sometimes we need to call a spade a spade. In the real world certainly the cops don’t call a criminal shooting random civilians a “person standing up for their beliefs”; if the real world calls this person aggressive, and thereby puts a negative label, and non-sanction on that behavior, what kind of world are we raising our kids to be part of? Some politically correct non-existent one?
Hello
I have stumbled across your blog today after googling why is my son labelled “righteous”. This was an interesting read, thankyou and I’m going to take a lot of this on board.
What word would you use instead of righteous . He “talks back” constantly and doesn’t even realise that is what he is doing, hence the righteous explanation.
He is misunderstood by many, labelled lazy when he isn’t. He is just dis-interested in the way he is taught and when spoken down to he withdraws… I would love some guidance here.
Thankyou, Nene.