There is an old saying that we are programmed and hardwired in our first decade of life from our MFPT; mothers, fathers, preachers, and teachers. These relationships, and the health of them, have a profound impact on how we define what a healthy relationship should look like.

Think of your parents. How they interacted, communicated, touched, and related had a profound impact on your choices and expectations when it came to your boyfriends and girlfriends, the friends you have and your sphere of trust.

We as parents have an opportunity to help set in, deep within the “wiring” of our children, what a healthy, vital, and loving relationship can look like. We have a dramatic impact on their standards to navigate their own relationships.

The parent interaction is the most important relationship your children will observe. It has the most amount of influence on their body and mind, because for no other reason than you are their parents. Children learn through modeling. They watch your every move, listen to every word, and see how you express yourself in a variety of different situations.

Why?

As robotic as it may sound, they are being programmed. They are actively absorbing information on how to live, what gets them approval, attention and love, and how to respond to stressors and challenges. And this information drives deep into the brain and body.

It is our actions and reactions as a couple that can have a dramatic impact on how children create expectations of healthy relationships. Although they are seeping into the unconscious, our behavior as parents helps to define love between two people; physical boundaries, communication style (verbal and non-verbal) posturing under stress, when to embrace or push away, and how to resolve conflict.

This is how traits, expressions, and even problems “run” in families. Through our actions as a couple, we teach our kids. We show them how to be resilient, relate, rebound and resolve through our daily actions. Yes, we can sit down with them and talk to them consciously, and we can also be responsible and allow our actions to be unconsciously modeled for their future.

We all handle challenge differently. Let’s face it, relationships can be tough. Do you ever have those times where you are having the most difficult time opening up and loving your spouse? Or those times where there is an unspoken irritation between the two of you? Those times where you go for a quick kiss only to feel the coldness, or where they are trying to talk and you just feel closed off from connecting?

There is no doubt that when you have two adults living under the same roof, disagreements, arguments, and misunderstandings do happen. It’s a reality.

The question is, when tensions rise, how do you handle yourself? Do you scream as you yell down the hallway and slam the door? Do you confront your spouse loudly and aggressively? Do you turn your head and eyes away in conflict? Do you get snippy and irritated quickly? Do you simmer and stew for days without a resolution?

In many cases, how you respond right now in a relationship, is a pattern you observed from your parents.

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Do you feel tongue tied when you meet parents with special needs kids? Are you worried that you might say or do the “wrong” things?

As the mother of a child with autism, I’ve seen a lot of people in your situation. And even though most mean well, sometimes friends and family do end up with their foot in their mouth.

My son Addy was diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder about one year ago. I remember sitting in that doctor’s office, twisting a Kleenex in my hands to calm my nerves, feeling terrified to hear her say the words I knew were coming.

That day feels like a lifetime ago. The process of getting a diagnosis and taking the next steps was at times overwhelming, and it was an adjustment that took time not only for me, but for those closest to me as well.

Through mostly a process of trial and error, my friends, close family, and extended loved ones no longer worry so much about what to say or do when it comes to Addy. His autism is merely another part of what makes him who he is, much like his love of Thomas the Tank Engine and grilled cheese sandwiches.

According to CDC, 1 in 68 children is identified with Autism Spectrum Disorder. Today, I’d like to share with you, the best I can, what it is like to be the parent of a special needs child, and what you can do to support that parent in your life with a child like mine.

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Wonk. Bummy-wup. Giffis.

Do you understand any of these words? If so, then congratulations, you are a member of my family.

(If you’re not, FYI: the words mean milk, tuck in for bedtime, and breakfast, respectively.)

It was only when I got married that I realized how unique my family vocabulary is.

Almost daily, I would say something that would be met with a blank stare by my husband. So much so that I had to compile a “family dictionary” translating the distinct words, phrases, and inside jokes frequently referenced by my family.

All families have stories to tell—whether it’s about the origin of an odd word like “giffis,” or about how Grandpa survived a battle in WWII or Grandma battled cancer or Uncle Joe battled raccoons at a family campout.

If you identify, refine, and share stories about your family—triumphs and challenges, quirks and strengths—you can make your family happier and more resilient and close-knit.

Why Family Stories Matter

Your kids may yawn or even roll their eyes at dinnertime when you trot out the story of, say, how you met their mother.

Or they may not get enough of those tall tales and beg you to repeat them every chance they get.

Whatever their response, a growing body of research shows that teaching children about their family history yields just about every benefit a parent could wish for their kids:
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So we’ve all heard parenting experts tell us that the one thing children need most to grow and thrive is unconditional love from their parents.

It is easy to say that we love our children when they are being good.

Figuring out how to love unconditionally when kids are being really difficult is quite another.

I thought that I had mastered the art of teaching my children compassion, empathy and the love of family. I thought that unconditional love came easily for me.

But that was before I opened my home to my little four-year-old foster son, who came to me kicking, screaming and daring me to love him.

The first time I saw Frank, my new foster son, was at the Loxahatchee Feed Store. His former foster mother was dropping him off. He was too spirited of a child for her and her mother to take care of, she had explained to me over the phone. The agency had thought of me.

The little boy in front of me did not smile. He was a little bit of a boy, with curly black hair and large brown eyes. His skin was the color of milk chocolate. I had fallen in love with him the very minute that I laid eyes on him.

On the second day of my new foster son’s arrival, I woke to the sound of screams. I ran to my living room. Frank had somehow broken my 16-year-old son’s fish tank. Glass and dying, flopping fish were scattered across my floor. Ethan picked up the fish and ran to our canal in a futile attempt to save their lives.

A few minutes later I found Frank heading down my driveway, his backpack and Spider man suitcase in tow.

“Where do you think you are going?” I asked him.

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