I think we’ve all been there: the big family gathering filled with aunts and uncles, cousins and second cousins that you haven’t seen in ages, everyone laughing and catching up, the sounds of kids shrieking with playful laughter competing with the happy sound of adults catching up after far too long apart.
If your family is anything like mine, these events are littered with hugs, kisses, and kids roughhousing with each other all over the place.
It’s very happy chaos.
As an adult, I always look forward to the opportunity to connect with my relatives, see how all of the little ones have grown and changed, and relax around my support network.
However, as a child… I often dreaded these types of events.
There was always one uncle who insisted on giving me a kiss, even if I tried to wiggle away from his scratchy beard, an aunt who hugged me a little too long and too tightly for comfort, or a cousin who played a little too rough, even when I didn’t want him to.
And my parents always kept encouraging me to go give another hug or kiss to a relative I didn’t remember or particularly want to be physically close to.
What I learned when my parents made me tolerate unwanted hugs and kisses and told me that Cousin Johnny was being rough “because that’s what boys do” and I had to ”learn to deal with it” and what I later struggled with as an adult was that my “No” — my lack of consent — didn’t matter.
My parents unintentionally taught me to internalize the belief that what I wanted or didn’t want to happen to my body was not as important as the wants of those around me.
Don’t get me wrong, I have incredibly loving and supportive parents. They did their absolute best. However, knowing what I know now, one of the biggest mistakes I feel a parent can make is ignoring the topic of consent.
Often the conversation extends to “no means no”, and then is never discussed again, or the confusion that ensues when a child exercised their “no” regarding a clothing choice or a physical advance by a friend or relative, only to have that “no” ignored, isn’t processed.
Sometimes, the understanding that a person has the right to say “no” when something is happening to them that they don’t want is thought to just be implicit knowledge…common sense.
Some people feel that consent only needs to be discussed in relation to sexual relationships or activities and therefore is a subject that can be pushed off until adolescence or one that will hopefully be taught in schools.
Nothing could be farther from the truth.
A study conducted at Valdosta State University shows that fostering a sense of control, self-awareness and an understanding of consent in your child can have huge long-term positive effects. Children who understand consent have an increased sense of self-worth, control, and positive self-esteem and go on to participate in healthier friendships and relationships in their adolescent years.
Now that I am a parent, I want nothing in the world for my daughter but happiness, success and good things. I feel strongly that giving her the tools to understand and exercise consent is one of the best things I can do to ensure that happens. One day, I hope to add a son to our little family, and if I am lucky enough to be able to do so, I’ll teach him the same lessons.
Consent isn’t a women’s issue, or a “when they’re older” issue, but rather a lesson all of our children can benefit from, now and in their futures.
Here’s how you can start teaching your young children about consent:
- Respect their No. If your child is telling you they don’t want to wear a certain outfit, or they don’t want to cuddle, hug or kiss a relative (including you), respect it. Obviously, if you child is trying to exercise their no when it comes to things like medical procedures, going to school, or wearing pants, gently teach them why “no” isn’t an option. But in any situation where their “no” can be respected, do so.
- Always ask first. “Would you like to go give grandma a kiss?”, “Would you like to give your friend a goodbye hug?” These are important questions. Use them. If your child says “No”, that’s that. Allow them to substitute a wave, blowing kisses, or saying “I love you!” for physical hugs and kisses.
- Encourage others to respect your child’s “no”. One of the biggest challenges to teaching consent isn’t actually your child, but the adult relatives and friends who don’t understand why you don’t just make little Bobby give Nana a kiss. Be prepared to defend your child’s decision to the adults around you but be careful not to apologize for it! There’s a huge difference between “Bobby doesn’t feel like kisses today, how about a hi-five instead?” and “I’m sorry, Bobby doesn’t want to kiss you right now”. Back up your child’s “no” without apology or guilt. With time, you’ll have to defend your child’s “no” less and less as your family and friends begin to respect their “no” the way you do!
- Pay attention to other people’s “no”. Respecting consent is just as important as exercising it. Ask your child “How do you feel when people do things you don’t want them to do?” to encourage empathy, respect and understanding when faced with someone else’s “no”.
- It’s ok to find new friends. If you child’s playmate won’t listen to their “no” or “stop”, ask your child how it makes them feel. Help them decide if they still feel comfortable and safe playing with that playmate and let them know it’s ok to stop playing with someone they aren’t comfortable with or to find new friends.
- Model consent and encourage ownership. Bath time is an amazing learning opportunity when it comes to consent and bodily ownership. Ask your child’s permission before touching them. “I’m going to help wash your hair now, is that ok?”, “I’m going to wash your legs now, ok?”, and if your child says “no”, respect it! Hand them the washcloth and talk them through washing themselves.
I know that the idea of intentionally asking my daughter for her permission and finding the patience to respect her when she doesn’t want to cuddle (even when I really, really do) seemed ridiculous and impossible when I first dedicated myself to teaching her these valuable lessons.
However, in the long run, I’m confident that the ownership I’m giving her and the lessons she’s learning will take deep root in her brain, and be very well learned when she’s older, moved out, facing much more serious situations and I’m too far away to help.
The 2-Minute Action Plan for Fine Parents
Take a moment to answer one of the following in the comment section:
- Is there anything about the idea of teaching consent to young children that makes you embarrassed, ashamed, or hesitant? Why?
- What other daily opportunities are there to model consent to your child?
- How would you go about respectfully defending your child’s “no” to a family member who doesn’t understand why they aren’t getting a hug and kiss?
- What other long-term benefits of teaching consent at a young age can you think of for young women? For young men?
The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents
On the left side of a sheet of paper, write a list of day-to-day activities and opportunities to model and teach consent. On the right side, write a list of reasons that teaching consent young is important. Keep that list visible as a reminder to yourself throughout the day until these behaviors become habit, and you no longer find yourself feeling awkward or uncomfortable about respecting your child’s “no”.
If my child doesn’t want to give a relative a kiss and I defend their no by saying, “Petunia doesn’t feel like giving a kiss right now,” and the relative pushes back (“Oh, no, just give aunty Milly a kiss anyway”), how does one handle that? I tried explaining the concept – that I want Petunia to know that she gets to decide who she kisses and who she doesn’t – but the reaction is not good. They react like I am sexualizing kissing aunty good bye or treating them like child molesters or something. I honestly don’t know how to respond. I know that I am in the right but I don’t want to debate it in front of the child. It seems that they think that because their kiss is harmless, it doesn’t matter whether the child consents and that has nothing to do with their ability to exercise consent later as an adult. And they think that the problem is my defense of the child, not their insistence. It feels like any tension around the situation is not good for the child.
Hi Susan,
I think you make a very, very good point here. Even if you’re defending your child to an adult relative, the message of “My No is a bad thing” can still be delivered through tension and argument. I think the conversation needs to be held, very firmly, with Aunt Milly, but definitely not while Petunia is around. If it’s at all possible to send her away before having that conversation, definitely do so (“Go wait in the car, Mommy will be right there!” or “Go make sure you’ve got all your things packed up.”). As for Aunt Milly….she may not understand. But stand firm! Be very clear that this isn’t about HER, and it’s not about sexualizing family interactions, rather, it’s about your daughter, and her right to control her own body. Ask Aunt Milly how she would feel about unwanted kisses and then ask why she would expect Petunia to feel any differently.
Explain that just because Petunia doesn’t feel like giving kisses right now doesn’t mean she’ll never feel like giving kisses again, or that she loves Aunt Milly any less.
What Aunt Milly wants is NOT more important than what Petunia thinks should or shouldn’t happen to her body. How does she expect Petunia to understand, when she’s an adult, that she has complete and total say over what does and doesn’t happen to her body if we spend her entire childhood teaching and showing her otherwise?
It’s a rough conversation to have, for sure, and there will always be relatives who don’t understand, but you’re doing the right thing!
Dani
I just gave advice to my daughter for such a case : If somebody wanna force you to kiss or hug or whatever similar and you say “I don’t want”, you have the right to self defense. This includes slapping, kicking the leg bone, grabbing hair and hanging from them, head butting in the face and biting…
Then in case of these abusive adults, I warn them : “She said no and she may fight back.” Usually works. If not… works for next time as quite memorable 😉
I made also clear the fact that there’s good manner and there’s no polite way to refuse saying “hello”, “bye”, “thanks” etc. “I don’t wanna say good morning” is not working. “I don’t wanna kiss” does.
Cheers.
What is the best way to stop physical play? For example, my dad will tickle my son. My son will laugh and say stop, but my Dad will keep playing and tickling him. How can I teach him that stop means stop, even in play?
Hi Victoria,
Great question. I would suggest establishing a “Magic Phrase” with your son, in our family it was “please stop”. Whenever someone said the Magic Phrase, all ticketing or rough housing stopped immediately. Decide on a phrase with your son, and practice it at home. Have a serious talk with your dad about how your son loves to be tickled, but that too much can become painful. Tell your dad what your son’s Magic Phrase is, and ask him to respect your sons wishes when he uses the phrase. The Magic Phrase means the fun has officially ended, and keeping up any activity beyond the magic phrase can be a very negative experience.
Successful use of a Magic Phrase can build positive rapport and mutual respect that will last a lifetime!
Dani
My inlaws consistently try to bribe for affection with gifts. Without fail they do it again even after we have said that isnt appropriate. Do you have recommendations for dealing with this type of behavior. They also throw tantrums about not being hugged and kissed too, and compare my childs reactions to them bersus my parents.
HI there,
It sounds like there’s a lot of jealousy and insecurity coming from your in-laws. If it’s possible, i would recommend increasing the amount of time they get with your kids. Establish a weekly park date, or pick a night that grandma and gramma come over for a movie or bedtime stories. Be very clear with your in-law that the time they spend together is about time, nit about things. Gifts are for holidays and birthdays and that’s it. If they refuse to respect your wishes, scale back to a weekly skype or FaceTime date. Be firm with your in-laws that you want your kids to value their company, and that they’ll be welcome to spend in-person time with your kids again once they stop with the gifts.
Good luck!
Dani
Hi Dani…this is such a great article.
I remember when I was bringing up my own children, there was not much awareness that sexual predators could exist among our family, friends and acquaintances and much less about a child’s right to say ‘no.’ Looking back, I feel very guilty when I think about how I told my small daughter to sit next to her male music teacher while learning to play the keyboard despite her saying she did not want to.
She’s grown up now and has told me ‘nothing happened’ but that it could have. She also said that even though she was small at that time, she somehow knew he was not a nice person as he used to sit too close to her. Filled with guilt I apologized to her tearfully but she just hugged me and said “It’s not your fault mom.” But I know it was. You can never protect your children enough and in this day and age I think its a thousand times worse.
All you young mothers out there, never ignore your children when they say ‘no’ and even when they don’t say anything watch over them even more closely – like hawks.
I think this society has become paranoid. And that’s such a pity! Where I come from we know a ‘good touch’ from a ‘bad touch’ and our children know it too, because we regularly kiss and hug people a lot–relatives, friends, and some times neighbors and co-workers. I think that that comment on sexualizing family relationships might perhaps be true. Instead of doing that, we should all study and become aware of what the media is doing to sexualize kids, and the way pornography is going. Instead of studying, trying to understand, and addressing a problem that is hurting kids as well as adults, we are focusing on the wrong methodology to address this problem. There are ways to look after, supervise, and protect our kids, and teaching them to be insensitive to family members who’ve proven to be healthy, loving people is not one of them. There are kisses and hugs, and …there are kisses and hugs–you know what I mean, don’t you? Why not teach the difference and allow kids to show and receive affection from people who care for them? Is this the way we’re going to be connected to each other? Is this the way we’re going to improve out interpersonal communication skills? I may be off here, but I don’t see how this will help our children protect themselves from pervs.
Something else: How are we going to teach kids social skills if we allow them to be insensitive to a show of affection from another well-intentioned human being? We should teach them to be careful, we should teach them to recognize some traits which may signal an adult is ‘dangerous’, we should teach them that some parts of the body are out of bounds, we should teach them about healthy boundaries in the use of language, personal space, the meaning of respect, but we should not make the interpersonal and emotional distance which exists between persons in this country even larger.