How can I protect my child from life’s hurts?
Will my child be bullied?
Will my child stand up to peer pressure?
How can I prepare my child for the challenges in the world?
If you’re like me, these are the nagging questions that seem to always be present. Some days these questions are quiet and just sit idle in the back of our minds. Like white noise that we are able to drown out with hugs and snuggles. Other days these worries are front and center in our minds screaming at us for answers, solutions, and comfort.
As a parent I have realized that I CANNOT protect my children from everything, but I CAN equip my children with the tools to protect themselves. Over the past 10-years as a licensed mental health therapist working with children, adults, and families I have learned that the best thing we can do for our kids is to build in them a healthy self-esteem. Healthy self-esteem
What is Healthy Self-Esteem?
Before we can build healthy self-esteem in our children we have to understand the true definition of healthy self-esteem. Healthy self-esteem is when a person knows that they are worthy simply because they exist. You are worthy of love, respect, appreciation, and joy. Your worth as a human being is not defined by others or by externals such as money, status, etc.
Healthy self-esteem is knowing that you are enough. It is also knowing that everyone else is enough. No person is more OR less worthy than another. We are all equally worthy.
Having a foundation of healthy self-esteem is knowing that even though you may not be the best at something, it does not make you less worthy. It does not make you less of a person. Just as being the best at something does not make you better than others and does not make you more worthy.
We all have gifts, talents, and strengths we are born with. It is acknowledging and accepting your strengths AND your weaknesses and being at peace with who you are and knowing that your worth as a human being is not dependent on any outside factors.
Right about now you might be thinking; “Wait, so this chick is telling me that my worth as a person is not based on being nice, smart, giving, pretty, etc. That I don’t have to make good choices, wear trendy clothes, or get the big promotion at work in order to increase my self-esteem.”
YES!!!! That is exactly what I am saying.
Healthy self-esteem is unconditional. Your worth is not conditional on what you do, how you treat others, or what you look like. Traits, actions, attributes are conditional. These things are constantly growing and changing over time. Externals are conditional. Self-worth on the other hand, is unconditional.
Still having trouble seeing yourself this way?
Think of it as the love that you have for your child. A parent’s love for their child is unconditional. Even when your children are screaming and having a tantrum you still love them. You probably don’t love their behavior at the moment and you may even not like them at that moment, but you still love your children even during their tantrum. The hitting and screaming of a tantrum is a condition that can and will likely change. Your love doesn’t.
As parents we love our children no matter what they look like, no matter how athletic they are, and no matter if they get on the school honor roll. These conditions don’t decrease our love for our children.
Why can’t the same be true for how we love ourselves?
That’s what healthy self-esteem is. It is loving ourselves unconditionally.
And ensuring that our kids grow up to be adults capable of loving themselves unconditionally.
Sound like a lot of pressure? As if parenting isn’t difficult enough already. Now, we are responsible for the self-worth of our children. It can all feel very overwhelming!!
But we have two things in our favor –
(a) as parents we already know what unconditional love is and
(b) children are born with a healthy self-esteem.
Think about it…
Have you ever seen a toddler run stark naked through the house while squealing with pure joy and not a worry in the world. This is the personification of healthy self-esteem.
The toddler is not worried about their baby fat rolls moving as they run. They have no insecurities about their body or how they look as they run. There is no thought or worry about people’s perception or judgment of them. There is only love, safety, self-acceptance, and joy.
My 3-year old son reminded me of this just the other day.
He watched as I stepped on our bathroom scale to check my weight. I looked down at the scale and immediately had a reaction to the number I saw flash on the screen. In a matter of seconds a million thoughts ran through my head such as “I knew I should have had a salad for lunch yesterday.”
As my thoughts and negative self-talk continued in my head, I watched my son hop onto the scale to weigh himself. He looked down at the number and proudly announced “28 pounds” as he looked up at me with a smile beaming across his face. Then, he stepped off the scale, ran off to play, and did not give a second thought to his weight. He did not judge or criticize himself for a second. My son taught me a valuable lesson in that moment and reminded me to practice nurturing my own self-esteem.
Since our children are already born with untarnished self-esteem, our job becomes a little bit simpler — to make sure that we are teaching them how to nurture their self-esteem.
Alvin Price, the author of How to Boost Your Child’s Self-Esteem: 101 Ways to Raise a Happy, Confident Child
Parents need to fill a child’s bucket of self-esteem so high that the rest of the world can’t poke enough holes to drain it dry.
Instead of focusing our energy and efforts on preventing the world from poking any holes in our children’s bucket, let’s shift our efforts towards teaching our children how to patch up those holes, so they can rebound and rebuild from the hurts that they are inevitably going to encounter and refill their buckets together.
How to Teach Your Child to Have Healthy Self-Esteem
How do we fill our children’s buckets? Here are some tips and resources that I find helpful –
# 1: Start by modeling self-love and self-forgiveness
For example, when you make a mistake take ownership of it and then allow for self forgiveness. Demonstrate this with your children. If you yelled when you became angry then you can say to your child. “Oops, I made a mistake and yelled when I was angry because I dropped the milk. Next time, I am angry instead of yelling I can try to blow up my angry balloon. I forgive myself for my mistake and will try better next time.”
#2: Teach your child that others are equally worthy
When we teach children empathy it allows them to understand and connect with someone else. When a child is able to put themselves in the other person’s shoes this increases their ability to have compassion for themselves and others. Teach children that everyone has flaws and everyone deserves unconditional love. We don’t need to compare ourselves to others in order to increase or decrease our self worth. We are all perfectly imperfect. We are all equally worthy.
#3: Teach your child to live in the gray area
Self-esteem is often mistaken for perfection or being based on strengths. This definition of self-esteem traps children in a state of anxiety due to all-or-nothing or black-or-white thinking. For example, if I don’t get straight A’s on my report card then I am stupid. If I win a trophy, I’m a super star.
If we change our definitions and language then we can live life in the gray area. Kick the habit of the all-or-nothing/black-or-white thinking. There is so much fun to be had when we live life in the gray area.
Here’s a quick trick to do this: use even though-nevertheless statements.
For example, in high school, I was required to take 4-years of a foreign language. I choose Spanish. I would study for hours and hours. I saw a Spanish tutor 2-times a week. Yet, no matter what I did my grade in Spanish never ever rose above a grade of a D.
I remember sitting in the red beanbag chair in my room for hours practicing Spanish flashcards. There were many nights when I would break down in tears over not being able to understand what the people on the Spanish channel were saying in order for me to complete my Spanish current events assignment.
My parents could have responded by making me feel stupid or by saying I wasn’t working hard enough. Or that I wasn’t living up to my potential.
Instead, the one time that I did get a grade of a C in Spanish for the semester they took me out for dinner to celebrate. They celebrated my hard work and determination not the end result of an A-grade.
They taught me that even though I wasn’t the best in Spanish nevertheless I was still worthy.
#4: Teach your child how to effectively apologize and forgive
A theme I see so often in my therapy sessions with clients of all ages is that they have a hard time apologizing effectively.
The person either tries to explain their position during the apology or they don’t validate the other person’s feelings and instead say “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
Teaching a child how to effectively apologize also teaches them empathy, how to validate someone’s feelings, and how to take ownership for their actions. Seems like a lot packed into one apology, doesn’t it? Yup, which is exactly why teaching our children how to apologize is so important.
My son is young so we utilize feelings charts when we can in order to help with the apology. An apology has 5 parts:
- Part 1: Express sincere remorse
- Part 2: Take ownership of your action
- Part 3: Validate the other person’s feelings
- Part 4: Make amends (offer a solution for the future)
- Part 5: Ask for forgiveness
For example, my son’s teacher informed me at pick-up that my son hit another child at school. I discussed this with my son and asked him if he would like to write his classmate an apology letter. My son said yes and we used a copy of his feelings chart as our letter. My prompts to walk him through the apology process typically go as follows:
Parent: What would you like to say to your friend? How do you feel?
Child: I’m sorry. I feel sorry. (My son circled the picture representing sorry)
Parent: What did you do that you are sorry for?
Child: I hit my friend.
Parent: How did you hitting make your friend feel?
Child: It made him feel sad and lonely. (My son circled the pictures for sad and lonely)
Parent: What can you do next time instead of hitting?
Child: I can ask him to share the toy with me.
Parent: That sounds like a great idea.
#5: Use children’s books
Books are a wonderful way to interact with our children while encouraging them through the lessons within the book. Reading books about celebrating diversity, fostering empathy, and nurturing healthy self-esteem are wonderful ways to share quality time while filling their bucket. Check out the many children’s books from your local library, used bookstore, or online.
#6: Games, art and play
Play is the way that children learn and express themselves. Play is how children work through their emotions as well. Use play to connect with your child. That connection and quality time increases their self-esteem. The safety of your presence fills their bucket. No matter what the game or activity is the act of being present with your child nurtures their self-esteem. If you want activities and games geared specifically to building self-esteem then use those too. But don’t pressure yourself. Any quality time does the trick.
#7: Music and dancing
Music and dancing is a big part of my family. This began during the courtship with my husband. The moment I knew I was falling in love with him was when we were stuck in Washington D.C. traffic and instead of being grumpy he turned up the music, blasted the Dirty Dancing soundtrack, and danced in the car to pass the time. Then, on our wedding day, we began our reception by bringing all of the guests onto the dance floor and dancing to party music.
Now, we have living room dance parties with our children after dinner. My son loves to dance and sing. He knows the words to lot of the songs. When I hear him sing the words; “Honestly, I want to see you be brave” it makes my heart skip a beat with happiness. Choose songs that empower, inspire, and uplift.
Dancing also helps promote each of us being comfortable with our bodies. Honoring our bodies through the use of movement and accepting how they move builds our appreciation for our bodies no matter their shape or size.
#8: Watch what you say and how you say it
The way we speak to our children becomes their inner voice.
–Peggy O’Mara.
This quote is posted on the refrigerator in our home. Words are often reactionary. Being mindful of what we say and how we say it is a crucial skill. A skill that I continually have to work on which is why I want the constant reminder every time I pour my children a glass of milk or every time I am cooking dinner. Having that phrase visible in high traffic area helps keep it at the forefront of my mind. Choose a phrase, quote, or printable that speaks to you and place it in a high traffic area as your constant reminder. 101 Ways to Praise a child is a great printable.
#9: Praise done correctly
One fear I hear a lot from parents is that they’re worried that if they praise everything their child does then they will end up raising a child who is overconfident, arrogant, or feels entitled. This is a legitimate concern if praise is not used properly.
The other day, my son and I were practicing his reading. He sounded out the word “bed.” After several times of saying each letter sound quickly he finally got it and said the word “bed”. A three letter word that may come easily to others took him several attempts. I smiled, said “way to not give up, buddy”, and gave him a high five. He responded by saying; “Thanks mommy, I knew I could do it.”
Now, does his response mean I am raising an arrogant and narcissistic child? No, it means I am raising a child who knows that if he tries hard, practices, and doesn’t give up then he can do anything.
That is a lesson I want my child to learn.
The trick to praising children right without falling down the over praising rabbit hole is –
- Step 1: Focus on the effort or process and NOT the outcome
- Step 2: As children become older praise only the actions that are above and beyond. Do not praise an action that is expected. If your child is expected to clean up his room then do not praise them for picking up their clothes. If they clean up their room AND clean up the living room then praise the child for the added help.
- Step 3: Praise immediately.
- Step 4: Focus on selfless acts and actions of giving.
#10: The words and images around us are powerful
Choose home decor and play room artwork that inspires and supports your family’s values.
As a teenager I had a poster in my room. I cannot remember if I put it there or if my parents did, but to this day I can close my eyes and see the image and words on that poster. The poster was the poem Declaration of Self-Esteem by Virginia Satir. The poster read; “I AM ME. I AM OKAY.”
What a powerful and influential message to wake up to every morning and fall asleep to every night as a teenager. Thanks Mom and Dad!
#11: Build your self-esteem
Adults can learn to rebuild their own self-esteem too. They can fix the holes life has caused in their buckets. They can white-out the darkness that has tarnished the pure self worth they were born with. If you want to learn how to rebuild
The 2-Minute Action Plan for Fine Parents
Change occurs in 3 steps:
- Awareness: Increase your level of awareness
- Action: Implement an action or intervention
- Internalize: Practice making the new behavior your new truth/involuntary reaction
Increase your level of awareness of how often you praise and encourage your child. Divide your day into 3 parts (morning, afternoon, evening) and commit to taking 2-minutes during each part of the day to provide effort-based praise and encouragement statements to your child at each part of the day.
- How does your child react to your statements of encouragement?
- Did you find it difficult to praise the effort instead of the outcome?
- If your child was unsuccessful at the activity how did they respond when you praised the effort instead of the result?
The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents
Pick 1 method from the tips above and focus on practicing that for at least 3 weeks. Once that behavior becomes part of your routine then pick another method and practice that one. Keep practicing one at a time and then eventually you will have an arsenal of self-esteem boosting tools that are simply part of who you are and your parenting routine. Then before you know it your children will be able to refill their bucket on their own and the holes the world pokes will feel like pin pricks instead of gaping drains.
- Which of the tips above do you already have in your esteem boosting tool kit?
- Which of the tips do you enjoy using the most?
- Which of the tips is the most challenging for you?
- What does it feel like for you to practice these skills with your child?
- Which of the tips does your child respond the best to and have the most fun with?
- How do you respond when you are unsuccessful at something?
- How can these tips help benefit you? Which tips would you like to utilize on yourself as well?
- What changes are you seeing in your child as a result of practicing nurturing their self-esteem. What changes are you seeing in yourself as a parent? In your family as a whole?
Additional Resources:
- Breaking the Hollow Praise Habit: 25 Alternatives to “Good Job”
- Self-Esteem isn’t Selfish
- Developing Kids’ Self Esteem: 4 Surefire Ways
- A Delicate Balance: Raising Confident Kids Who Aren’t A-Holes
- 10 Things That Can Hurt Your Child’s Self-Esteem
- How Low Self Esteem Can Be Passed Down from Mother to Daughter
Sarah your article really hit home with me. I have two teenage daughters. My 18 year old has always had a pretty healthy self-esteem. However, my 13 year old was held back in first grade. We were devastated. She struggled with it for quite some time. About three months after she was put back she was having a lot of trouble. We got her into a small group at her school that met once a week and talked about self worth and ways to cope with things. It really helped. We started to see her grades improve. It also took her a while to make new friends, but once she did her self-esteem was much better. She still struggles with this at times. This article made me feel better knowing that I did the right things to help her.
Cheryl,
I am so glad that your daughter benefited from the small group at her school. It provides with me such hope to hear about such programs as such resources are not common in our area. It sounds like you and your daughter took a difficult situation and turned it into an opportunity to learn and grow in a truly positive way. Way to go!!!! This is an inspiring example of how you and your daughter did not allow externals (grade level/educational achievement) to define her as a person. Your hard work and being proactive to build her self esteem will have endless and lifelong benefits. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Keep Building,
Sarah
I completely agree with Sarah, Cheryl. This really is an inspiring example of not letting the external circumstances define a person. Thank you so much for sharing!
I’m a little late to this gathering (by about a year) but I was wondering if my self esteem took a dive 5 years ago (stimulus being 25 inlaws excluded me from the only family I knew for 20 years for reasons unknown – all I know is it was something said by my mother in law and sister in law). How do I build myself back up so I can raise two confident girls. My husband has been my greatest support but he was also raised to be very non confrontational.
I can see an angry 12 year old and a very submissive 8 year old.
Do you have any links I can read to help me be a better mum. I have seen a therapist which caused me more pain and suffering and I’m finding more help just reading your blog than I did spending almost two thousand dollars with him. I am up for the challenge. I can do this. Any links, guidance or support is very much welcomed.
Thank you for a truly wonderful newsletter. It’s given me hope I thought was lost.
I’ll have to think about this for a while, because parts of it ring true to me and parts of it I don’t know if I agree with. It may have to do with people defining things differently. For instance, it’s easy to use the word “love” and assume we all mean the same thing, but I don’t think we do. I don’t know if the love I have for my children is unconditional, because I can imagine choices and acts that could render me incapable of feeling love toward someone. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t believe that person still had value due to mere existence, but I wouldn’t define that as love. Other people might. And in terms of building self-esteem in children, every child is different. One of my children gets visibly upset if I praise effort, so I avoid it. For my other children it’s okay. So you kind of have to play it by ear and hope for the best.
Korinthia,
Yes, I agree with you in that what works for one child may not hold true for another. It is yet another way our children keep us on our toes. It is the process of trial and error to see which method works for each child. If it helps, the 5 Love Languages for Children may be a good assessment for figuring out which method fits your child. It sounds like your child is not a fan of the love language words of encouragement and affirmation. Maybe it’s quality time that speaks to that child for filling up their self esteem bucket. Your awareness that each of your children is different and has their own needs shows your connection with your children.
Keep building,
Sarah
About unconditionally loving children, Korinthia — the whole concept of “unconditional love” is relatively new to me. At first I struggled to wrap my brain around it. And then one day during one of the mellow lazy moments, it occurred me that no matter what happened I would not be able to walk away from my daughter. No behavior of hers or external circumstances would ever make me OK with the idea of abandoning her without a fight. Yes, there will be situations where we drive each other up the wall and behavior that will make us sad or mad, but I know I’ll hold myself to a higher standard, so I’ll have to learn to forgive and continue to care – no matter what. For ever. For her. To me that kind of commitment to a person is unconditional love.
I probably have that for my children, too, Sumitha, but I come from a family that routinely challenges assumptions and my natural instinct is to poke holes in things by finding extremes. Every sadistic child molester is someone’s kid. If somehow one of my children grew up to be a modern Dr Mengele, I think the only love I would have left for him or her would be one based purely on nostalgia. I think our choices do matter. I think our intentions matter. I don’t know if it’s laudable to offer up unconditional love if that can be taken advantage of by a twisted mind. There are situations where the only way to save yourself might be to sever yourself from a child, however painful that might be. I think for most of us this isn’t an issue, and in the case of my kids I can’t see ever abandoning them because I believe the core of them to be good and always worth supporting, but what if that weren’t true? I don’t know. It’s something I ponder.
I know what you mean, Korinthia. I’ve been thinking about the Sandy Hook shooting since I left that comment earlier and wondering what I would do if I were the mom of the shooter. Makes me shudder, but I want to think that I will fight for her still – maybe advocate for mental health help or whatever – hopefully before something bad happens rather than after (letting a child go so far down the rabbit hole is abandonment, IMO — then again, I’m sure there are enough examples where parents are usually the last ones to know). I don’t know… I realize that it’s one thing to think what I would like to do, and another what I will actually do. Unlike you, I come from a family that hardly ever challenges assumptions, so there’s a little bit of that naivete / bubble thing as well.
Ugh, this is a difficult line of thought! For tonight, I am going to send a little thankful prayer for our uneventful, mundane lives and hope that it stays that way, at least in this context, for a nice long time!
It is difficult. My brothers and I learned about the Holocaust very young because my father’s side of the family lost so many relatives to it. As a result I talk to my kids often about the importance of not just not doing bad things (frankly, that’s easy), but about being brave enough to speak out against those things early (that’s much harder). Evil on a mass scale occurs not because of the relatively small number of bad actors, but the large number of the seemingly indifferent who let it happen and spiral out of control. That applies in their lives on a smaller scale with things like bullying. There are few bullies, and if everyone else stood up to them (and identified the bully as needing intervention and help) the bad actors would have no power. (My kids’ school does a good job of addressing such issues in this way, and they do not have a bullying problem that we’re aware of.)
But if my kid were the evil doer, making conscious choices to harm others and inflict cruelty and go against every lesson I’ve ever taught, then I would be left to love the child I once knew and mourn that loss, but not feel compelled to love that person any further. I could in an abstract sense, maybe, if compassion falls under the category of love. But when I think of what love means to me when I tell people I love them, I don’t think it would apply anymore. I don’t believe in revenge and think we must try to forgive where possible and extend every respect we can to others and offering the benefit of the doubt. But I don’t know if it’s virtuous to extend love to a monster. If Dr Mengele were my child I would wonder forever what I may have done wrong, but I would not feel guilty for not extending my love that far.
So I guess I worry that in the extreme that making love completely unconditional robs it of any meaning or value. But that may be just me and my own definitions again. I’m sure on a regular level I agree with this article more than I disagree which is why so much of it rings true, but for a larger philosophical point to hold it must be tested at the limits, and I think there for me it breaks down.
You are a far stronger person than me, Korinthia. I just can’t hold the thought on those lines. I’d rather just bury my head in the sand and say, that can’t be my daughter. I know at some intellectual level that it is possible — if it is a mental illness or a twisted brain, statistically it could be any of us. But I’d rather think of that as an outlier and not consider it an option until it is. If I see early enough signs, then “not abandoning” means sucking it up and doing what it takes to make sure she gets the right help. If there are no early signs and it is a true outlier, then I’d rather not let it be a part of how I define unconditional love… to me, including that in the definition of love steals a little bit of meaning of value – which is just not worth it.
Gosh, this discussion has gone in a completely different direction, but I love how you challenge the envelope of my thinking and how it helps me understand a few things for myself (either by agreeing, or disagreeing with you). Thanks!
PS: I agree with you about how speaking up early against (perceived?) bad is harder than not doing bad things ourselves. I’m struggling with it right now. For instance I have a friend who uses harsh discipline which I no longer agree with (and consider a form of bullying). Should I step in and speak up for the child (whom I adore) or shut up and let my friend make her choices (she is very close, and parenting is a personal choice, and it really isn’t my place to interfere)….
PPS: I’m sorry I didn’t know you lost family in the holocaust. I can’t even imagine what that might be like, so I’ll not even venture to say anything about it.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to derail this thread! I have a feeling if we ever met in person we’d never run out of things to talk about.
One last thought on the darker track, though. I heard an interview with the man who wrote the definitive account of the Columbine massacre, and when he was asked what part of his research haunted him most he said it was the parents of one of the shooters (I believe Dylan). They were nice, decent people, as surprised as anyone. There were no real signs, their son had plans for the future, and they had made a good and loving home. They are left devastated in an isolating kind of loss that he doesn’t know how they survive with. So I do think it can happen to anyone, and none of us has the luxury of burying our heads completely in the sand. (Just most of the way in the sand!)
On the more relevant parenting discussion, I have noticed that when I try to assure my kids that I will love them no matter what (in the hopes that they won’t fear confiding in me), two of my kids eat it up, and the one who is probably the most like me is skeptical. She seems to find such proclamations disingenuous, and wants to know why she should value my love if it comes if she does “anything.” I kind of love her even more for that, honestly. But that’s just me.
Nah, you didn’t derail the thread. Dark as it is, I am more interested in this discussion than any of the other 100 things I have to get done today. And this deep in the thread, I don’t think anyone other than you or me is reading 🙂
I agree with you about not having the luxury of burying our heads completely, but I’ll keep it most of the way in there for as long as I can. I know you mentioned sometime earlier that you watch horror movies, so I suspect you might read Stephen King too. I DON’T. Not anymore. Before I knew better though, I’d read one of his books. It was a collection of short stories, and one of them Art Pupil haunts me to this day. It’s so… *shudder*. Yes, it could happen to any of us. But the probability is low enough to be negligible (so I maintain from deep inside the sand).
I like your daughter who finds proclamations of unconditional love disingenuous. For all this talk about unconditional love here, I personally probably would too if someone proclaimed completely unconditional love to me. Which kind of brings us back full circle to this article – is that a reflection that we don’t have a healthy enough self-esteem (“nobody could love me that much”) or a higher level of self-awareness (“it’s great that you say that, but that’s only because you have absolutely no idea what I am capable of”)? 😉
I have read a lot of Stephen King, and Apt Pupil is indeed disturbing, although the short story from that set that stays with me most is The Long Walk. Both those stories are as effective as they are because they don’t lean on supernatural elements that we can easily dismiss as the problem. Human nature is the problem.
And you are absolutely right about it coming full circle. I worry sometimes about my daughter not thinking of herself as completely lovable. But then I’ve found the best piece of perspective I have when thinking about how I want my children to be and how much influence I have over them, is to think about how much other people are able to influence or control me. Not much, frankly. My parents struggled mightily with me over lots of things. Some of it I have come to accept, but on my own terms and in my own time, and some of it I can appreciate and still reject. The truth is parts of me are not lovable. That doesn’t make me unlovable as a whole. Love is a great gift because people bestow it despite our flaws. So if that’s how my daughter views it, then I won’t worry, because it makes sense to me.
The truth is parts of me are not lovable. That doesn’t make me unlovable as a whole. Love is a great gift because people bestow it despite our flaws. So if that’s how my daughter views it, then I won’t worry, because it makes sense to me.
That. Is. Beautiful!!! I will let this discussion rest at that 🙂
Thank you for this. These posts always feel so timely – I suppose b/c parenting is a constant work in progress of juggling several balls..
My 9 yr old daughter and I dealing with problems she has with a close friend of hers. Tragically, this girl’s parents are divorcing and it’s gotten very ugly. And a lot of that ugliness has been played out in front of my daughter’s friend. I am close with her mother and have witnessed first hand the way she talks to her daughter and it is very rough. It’s gotten to the point where we rarely go over to their house anymore b/c my kid’s friend growns very territorial and demanding and even sometimes cruel and cold. It is shocking how closely it models her mum’s behavior. I will not get involved in a divorce but I have cautioned my friend about trashing her ex in front of her kids. She always acknowleges that it’s bad, but says she can’t help it.
It’s obvious to me that the whole family could use counseling. But that’s not happening.
My daughter had a lot of questions for me when we left their house the other day.
“Why would someone who is my friend treat me that way?”
“Why does she seem like she doesn’t have any feelings?”
“Why does she act one way at her house and another other places?”
She has also witnessed her friend acting territorial toward the friend’s younger siblings and this has confused her.
We discussed this girl’s situation. On the whole, this is a lovely girl who is in a horrible situation. I told my kid that, while she does NOT need to be subjected to treatment she doesn’t like, it always helps to understand a situation and try to find out why people do what they do. It’s difficult b/c divorce is such an adult thing that shakes children to their very core. We talked about forgiving this little girl and being as kind as possible. And if/when my kid is feeling those uncomfortable feelings starting, to excuse herself and walk away. We talked about making the effort to diffuse a situation instead of making it more heated. That has been the biggest challenge.
I would love any feedback anyone has about dealing with friends who are divorcing and how to guide children through the ways those kids may be reacting. If one thing is a self-esteem killer, it’s divorce.
That’s a very sad situation, Jessica. I think with divorce, especially a messy one, emotions run so high that you end up questioning the worth of yourself, and definitely the other person. And when parents are not in a good head space, it’s hard for them to be positive with their children. It’s so sad to hear that the kids are suffering, and that it turn is effecting you daughter and her idea of friendship and self-worth.
I’ve been fortunate not to have to deal with this situation, but FWIW, I think you are doing a great job by teaching your daughter to be forgiving and kind when she can; to excuse herself and walk away otherwise; and to try to diffuse the situation and provide salve for her friend. Both for your daughter and her friend’s sake, I hope things settle down quickly. Good luck!
Yes Jessica, divorce is very hard on the children. I do know a lot of people that have been divorced. The only thing you can do is be a positive supporter. Your friend has to make the choice whether or not to get past the divorce. Sometimes people just can’t. Sad to say but if your friend can’t move on then her children will begin to resent it.
Keep up the good work with your daughter though, sounds like you have the right idea.
Wonderful post……. So much to ponder about! You have shared so many useful and correct things which we don’t keep in mind while interacting with our daughter! Me and my wife are going to have a long discussion on the content of this post today 🙂
In your post, you have referred the book ‘How to Boost Your Child’s Self-Esteem: 101 Ways to Raise a Happy, Confident Child’. How good is the book? Would you recommend reading the book? Apparently Amazon doesn’t have any review of the book!
Thanks, Vivek. I hope the discussion with your wife went well 🙂
About the book — it’s one I’ve not read yet. The understanding I have with our writers is that, they only mention books that they stand 100% behind. Since Sarah recommended this book, I suspect it should be a good one. My approach to books is to look for them in the library and thumb through the first 20-50 pages. If it holds my attention, I read it through. If not, I’ll pass it up. I think the notion that you have to read a book cover-to-cover (which I was a stickler for earlier) is far over-rated. There are way too many good books out there and way too little time… So, when it comes to knowledge, grab what you can, from where you can, in however much time you have and move on 🙂
Vivek,
I would recommend the book as well as Self Esteem Games by Barbara Sher. I have used these both personally and professionally. Personally with my own son and professionally with the children and families in my private practice. I love to hear that the article lead to discussions with your wife. I hope you enjoy the activities and games in the books as much as we have.
Keep building,
Sarah
I recently had a book recommended for my daughter and I to read that we have just fallen in love with. “The Little Brown Animal” by DiMari Bailey(http://www.dimaribailey.com/). This felt like a modern “Ugly Duckling” in the sense that it takes the ideas of loving yourself in all forms, but instead of “becoming” beautiful, realizing the beauty that has been inside you all along…and then passing that knowledge on to others who need it. Teaching a young girl these values is SO important in today’s world, the sooner they learn to accept themselves the better they will be in the long run. A must for parents (especially with young daughters)
That looks like a nice book, Bianca. Thank you for the recommendation!
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