A Fine Parent

A Life Skills Blog Exclusively For Parents

  • Academy (Masterclasses)
  • Free Training
  • Articles
  • More
    • About This Site
    • Parenting Book Recommendations
    • Gift Guides
    • Contact

About G. J. Ribblett

G. J. Ribblett is a freelance writer and owner of Effectively Written, providing writing support services to college students, including her daughter. She is also working on writing her memoirs. She has a Master’s Degree in Public Administration with a Concentration in Conflict Management, and recently retired from federal service after a 16+ year career in Equal Employment Opportunity. Always a lover of reading and writing – she was an Honors English student in high school and seized extra elective literature and writing courses in college – she’s now enjoying devoting time to her new endeavors.

How to Set Behavioral Expectations that Last a Lifetime

by G. J. Ribblett.
(This article is part of the Positive Parenting FAQ series. Get free article updates here.)

behavioral expectations-main imageI am the child of a violent, alcoholic father and a narcissistic mother.

At 13, I was sexually molested by a man I worked for.

By 17, I was on a fast train to an early death, barreling downhill to that place with all the fire and brimstone.

Furthermore, I was convinced I NEVER wanted children because I believed I’d be the worst possible parent. I went through years of therapy but still never trusted myself to have children.

But at age 30—well, you know what they say—things happen. I was recently divorced, pregnant, and terrified.

My plan was to put my child up for adoption for her own well-being, but when she was born, all that changed.

I made a 13th-hour decision to raise my own child. God knew what she was doing—that decision turned out to be my saving grace.

I was challenged by the idea of setting behavioral parameters for my daughter. My mother gave me a few old books on child-rearing; they had little relating to the world in the 1990s. There were no parenting classes where we lived; I was on my own. Neither of my parents was a good role model to follow. I decided to approach the issue logically.

Born to WinI turned to the first book we used in therapy when I was 17, Born to Win by Muriel James, Ed.D., and Dorothy Jongeward, Ph.D. I’ve read this book at least 20 times over the years. I read it again when I brought my baby daughter home.

Born to Win is based on transactional analysis theory. The concepts are fundamental to understanding how to grow a healthy, happy child: the need for positive stroking; listening instead of lecturing; speaking from the “Adult” and understanding the “Child” (both in myself and my daughter); the effects of parenting, childhood, and child ego states; and how we become autonomous adults. Exercises show how communication patterns can influence desired outcomes.

The Chapter One epigraph contains these words by Galileo:

You cannot teach a man anything,
You can only help him discover it within himself.

These words embody what it takes to raise a child. I can lead by example, I can hope to influence choices, I can provide opportunities, but I cannot “create” a person. She will be who she will be, in spite of me.

The question I had to answer was: what part will I play, and how? The very thought process scared me, raising my fear of failure.

I needed a plan, so I set to work.

[Read more…]

Looking for Something Specific? Search Here…

Disclaimers and Such:
Fair Warning: While none of this is professional advice, it is powerful stuff and could potentially change your life!
This site contains affiliate links. Pictures are either Creative Commons licensed or through Fotolia.
Click here to read our terms of use and privacy policy.