When Jill brought her second baby home from the hospital, her 4-year-old daughter, June, jumped up and down with delight to the point of exhaustion.

There was a big party to welcome her baby brother, and she had a total blast. As the last guest was leaving, June ran after her and screamed, “Wait, lady, you forgot your baby!!”

June’s delight turned to dismay. She cried for days, was fussy all the time, and behaved as if the worst thing in the world had ever happened to her. The sibling rivalry that ensued between June and Luke got worse as they got older, especially as he started crawling and becoming a real person.

Everything became a competition. They always fought over toys, and although they hugged and said they loved each other, Jill was deeply worried about their long-term bond. She just wanted them to grow up and be friends – maybe not best friends, but certainly close enough to rely on each other. Meanwhile, she wanted a home without the constant yelling, crying, and bickering.

Does any of this sound familiar?

OK, let’s begin by talking honestly about conflict. Sibling rivalry is all about conflict. In fact, our sibling is one of the first people we will routinely have conflict with.

The truth is, when any two or more people spend lots of time together, conflict is inevitable.

Conflict is a form of energy and life. It’s evidence that more than one thought, feeling, and approach exists. Without conflict, we would stagnate and wither.

Conflict lets us know we’re alive and that we have a point of view in the world.

Conflict, in and of itself, is not a problem.

As parents, our goal as we raise self-assured independent thinkers cannot be to avoid conflict. The goal is to work through our conflicts with our relationships and sanity intact.

Strange as it sounds, a conflict-free home is NOT a peaceful home.

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“AAAAAAAAARRRRR!” She roars.

It is her tenth attempt to hit the stupid little white ball into the stupid little hole with the stupid mini-golf club.

And then – wham! – she slams the golf club into the fake turf … and – whoosh! – she throws the golf club into the shrubs. Everyone watches in horror. She stomps off.

This wasn’t the first time and it won’t be the last.

Do you have a child who has trouble managing frustration? Please take comfort in knowing you’re not alone. Many kids (and adults, for that matter) have trouble with frustration, disappointment, and facing challenges.

Before I continue, I want to let you know I understand how it feels to be that child; the one who’s deeply frustrated and acts out. I understand, because I sheepishly admit that I was the girl up there.

I was the one who threw mini-golf clubs.

I had a terrible time managing my emotions when things were hard for me. When the going got tough, I got going – literally.

I would bail in all sorts of ways: I’d fake tummy-aches or “accidentally” fall in races I thought I wouldn’t win. I would quit the card game and stop trying my best any time I could smell failure approaching.

I bailed a lot as a kid because I lacked a way to help myself through challenges, see my way over hurdles, and get myself to the finish line no matter what.

In short, I lacked what we call in today’s parenting lingo “grit” and “resilience.”

When I became a mom, one of my big goals was to raise my children to be NOT like me in this regard. I had my work cut out for me, because as the wise Brené Brown, author of The Gifts of Imperfection, says, “We cannot give our children what we do not have ourselves.”

So, in pursuing my goal to raise gritty and resilient kids, I had to learn what those things meant, then learn to do it for myself, and simultaneously teach it to my children.

I learned some super-valuable things along the way and I’d like to share them with you here. My hope is to help you create an environment in which you and your children can truly thrive.
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