A Life Skills Blog Exclusively For Parents
One feeling all first-time parents can relate to is fear.
The good news is that there is one way you can tackle that emotion before it gets the better of you: preparation. By making sure everything is in place to keep your child safe, you’ll be free to focus on the making the most of parenthood.
To help give your babyproofing a head start, we’ve come up with a list of ten items that every parent shouldn’t be without, below:
Three kids. Two cats. One dog. Zero time to fret about myself and my job, let alone the state of our home.
But fret, I must, if I want a calm, clutter-free home.
My husband and I have three daughters, evenly-aged at twelve, ten, and eight, and a few years ago we found a chore schedule that transformed our household chaos and empowered our kids to make valuable contributions to our home.
I believe that while parents should expect their kids to help around the house, the skills that children gain by performing regular housekeeping tasks are crucial for character development.
Chores help kids become responsible adults. Julie Lythcott-Haims, a former Stanford University dean and author of the recent bestselling book titled How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success, says in her TED Talk that kids (and parents) should be less obsessed with things like school grades and test scores and more focused on things like love and chores.
“Did I just say chores?” Lythcott-Haims asks her TED audience, and indeed she did because the Harvard Grant Study, one of the longest longitudinal studies ever conducted, found that kids whose parents asked them to perform household duties were more likely to find professional success later in life.
And the earlier they start, the better, Lythcott-Haims argues. Kids need to feel like they are an integral part of the home. Giving them regular, age-appropriate tasks will instill in children a sense of community and shared purpose, a deeper understanding of responsibility, and the “grit” to accomplish a task that might seem daunting.
Curious to know more about how chores can really help our children develop grit and perseverance? We partnered with Julie Lythcott-Haims, Dean of Freshman and Undergraduate Advising at Stanford University, mom and best-selling author, in the Fostering Independence Masterclass, to explore the perils of helicopter parenting and how we can use age-appropriate chores to better raise independent and capable children.
This packed masterclass is one of the 70+ masterclasses you get when you join the AFineParent Academy today. Click here to learn more.
Our family had switched chore strategies faster than our clothes, mostly because one approach was fine for our older daughters but too complicated for our youngest, or another method was too “childish” for our big kids but just right for the littlest.
Before our family found this successful strategy, we had tried magnets-and-fridge chore charts, stickers-and-happy-faces on paper, and plain, old shouting out to anyone within earshot, “Can someone take out the stinky trash, please?!”
Sometimes, our charts were so complicated that even my husband and I couldn’t make heads or tails out of which kid had performed what job. It became so frustrating that I often resorted to doing every chore myself, and most parents know that when one family member is trying to hold everything together, things fall apart.
A few weeks ago I discovered a wonderful opportunity to take a course that involved traveling from away from home one weekend a month to train in creative writing as a therapist.
Creative writing has been my personal therapy since my angst-filled teenage years and the idea of being able to offer this in a professional capacity to others felt amazing.
My husband was all for me taking a vocational training to further develop my career. My daughter was looking forward to weekends filled with daddy time, TV dinners, and going out for ice cream.
Then, following a conversation with my mum in which she questioned the practicalities of leaving the country on a monthly basis fear kicked in.
Could I really afford it? Would I be able to find a babysitter since I had to leave on the Friday while my husband was still at work? Would my daughter really be okay with me traveling so often?
I started to feel huge anxiety that I would end up with a financial deficit and a disconnected daughter; and that there was something terribly self-indulgent and wrong in me taking all this time and spending all this money on myself.
My husband, and best friend, reassured me it was a good idea, that it would be no big deal making the trip once a month.
I knew rationally it was a good idea. As a Hand in Hand Parenting instructor I’m always telling parents to take care of their own needs; that a happy parent equals a happy child. I also knew it was an investment for the whole family and our future.
So why did I feel like I was being selfish? Why had my initial excitement derailed into guilt and fear?
I needed a reality check so I asked a group of online mothers what they thought about it. [Read more…]
I walk into daycare at the end of the day.
My 2 year-old is at the table, playing with Play-Doh.
Upon seeing me, he holds his little hand out in a “stop” motion. He shakes his head and says “no no no,” while covering the Play-Doh with his other chubby fingers.
His message is clear. Mom is here, so that means it’s time to go… but I’m having fun and I want to stay.
That’s okay because I’m in no rush. I hug my daughter and listen to her chatter about her day. I gather up jackets and backpacks while talking to our daycare provider.
At some point, my son gets down from the table, grabs his teddy bear, stands in the middle of the room, opens his mouth, and lets out an eardrum-blowing scream.
The kind of scream that rises to an octave so high, I’m pretty sure all the neighborhood dogs will have gathered outside.
Unprompted. Unexpected. Happy as a clam just a second ago.
Behaviors like this, especially when they happen often (this is not the first time I’ve heard that blood curdling scream come out of my cute little blonde-headed babe), can be frustrating.
The frustration is there because these behaviors often seem uncalled for. They are unpredictable and can be time-consuming. Whether it’s your toddler testing her new found sense of freedom, or an older child who is struggling with something more specific, it can be easy to get swept up in the frustration of the situation and start thinking of them as “problem” behaviors.
We may find ourselves reacting in ways that we are hoping will just stop the behavior on the spot. We may find ourselves yelling, reprimanding, threatening or picking our kids up and physically removing them from the situation.
Worse yet, we may find ourselves so frustrated by how the behavior has affected our day, that we don’t take the time to look deeper and understand why the behavior exists.
Here’s the rub: All behavior has a reason behind it.
I am a behavior specialist in a public school system in Maryland. I have 14 years of experience working with children from 3 to 21 in both the public and nonpublic school realms. I also have an almost unhealthy obsession for keeping up with the latest studies in this field; which comes in handy when it’s time to teach behavior-based trainings.
So I understand this: [Read more…]
When my daughter stepped off the bus, I could immediately tell by the pout of her lips and the little wrinkle between her eyebrows that something was wrong.
She walked to the front door looking defeated.
After a big hug and a little stroking of her hair, she was ready to launch into the epic tale of a fight with her friend. Her story was rife with drama, lies, and a heartbreak-fueled vow to never speak to the girl again.
I listened as she told her story and watched as she tried not to cry. My momma heart ached for her.
The fixer in me wanted to march right to my phone and call up the other girl’s mother to hash it all out. To explain the misunderstandings and put a Band-Aid on the emotional booboo.
But what purpose would that serve (except, of course, for making me feel better and temporarily soothing her pain)?
My daughters need to learn how to get back up when they’re knocked down—and they need to learn how to do it themselves.
As parents, we don’t want our babies to suffer heartbreak or disappointment. We just want them to be happy. But life is full of frustration and failures. That’s how we learn. And if we don’t allow our children to bounce back on their own, we’re doing them a grave disservice.
In a discussion on letting kids fail, Dr. Stephanie O’Leary, a clinical psychologist specializing in neuropsychology and the author of Parenting in the Real World, said that parents need to “Remember that one of the hardest but most important parts of parenting is to tolerate your child’s temporary discomfort knowing that it’s the only way to build the coping skills necessary to succeed in the real world where no one will be running interference for your child.”
This is not easy. In fact, it can be heartbreaking. But it’s necessary.
Marilyn Price-Mitchell, PhD, expressed a similar sentiment in an article for Psychology Today: “When we help young people cultivate an approach to life that views obstacles as a critical part of success, we help them develop resilience.”
So how do we do that? How do we, as parents, help our children develop resilience?
Well, aside from stepping away and allowing them to bounce back from disappointment and failure on their own, we can model positive behavior. We can allow our children to get a glimpse of our own failures and struggles (to a degree) and show them an appropriate way to respond.
We can also expose them to as many stories of resilience as possible, showing them how different people respond to less than ideal circumstances and how they bounce back and ultimately triumph.
One of my favorite ways to do this is through books. I turn to books often, whether to show my daughters examples of strong female characters or to give them a few moments of escape when they seem stressed out.
I collected some of my favorite books that teach kids about resilience to share with you here. This list is by no means exhaustive, but it’s a great place to start.