It was the beginning of the school year and my son was learning Algebra. It was not going well.

“Mom, I’m just no good at this!”

“Sure you are, honey. You just need to try harder.”

“But I’m never going to get it!”

We’ve all been right here. Our child is frustrated with homework and we want to help. Don’t you just wish you could say a magic word and make it better?

What if I told you there actually is a magic word?

Really. There is a magic word that is going to save us from disaster.

A small word.

Tiny.

In fact, it’s only 3 letters.

YET.

An adverb meaning: Up until the present or a specified or implied time.

YET. Such simple word, but oh-so magical. The power and magic of YET lies in the core of its’ meaning: Up until now. My son might not understand Algebra, but he will! He just hasn’t understood it up until now.

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Watching a child learn and grow is truly a pleasure; each day, parents are delighted as their child discovers new experiences, develops new skills, and comes to understand more about the world around her.

During these precious early years, parents wish to do everything in their power to enhance their child’s learning and give her all she needs to be successful both personally and academically.

Fortunately, there is good news for hopeful parents: Intelligence is more malleable and dynamic than was previously thought, meaning that there’s a great deal parents can do to encourage their children to excel intellectually. Understanding the mind of your child, with all of its unique aptitudes, can unlock potential far beyond that which can be measured by IQ tests.

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You were hoping to get through this simple errand without any misbehavior from your strong-willed child, but — as usual — here you are again, in a public situation with a child who isn’t quite meeting your expectations for public behavior.

Now what?

From your experience, every time you try to correct your child’s behavior, it turns into an epic power struggle and you tend to find yourself on the losing end most of the time. And that’s the last thing you want right now with all of these judgemental onlookers watching your every move.

When faced with the unique challenge of raising a strong-willed child, you may find yourself wondering what on earth you can even say to your child to help achieve your goal of improving that behavior, without turning the conversation into a seemingly never ending battle of wills, with no real solution in sight.

You may frequently wonder, why does a simple request such as, “Please stop that” have to turn into such a battle? Can’t he just do what I’ve asked of him like a child is supposed to do?

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“Mommy, is she going to be better at everything than me?”

I hugged my dripping wet tiny seven-year-old. At the end of our girls’ first swimming lessons, what I had dreaded the whole six week session happened.

The younger got promoted to the next level and her big sister didn’t.

Bigger and more athletic than her older sister, she simply had better motor skills, a higher attention span, and more courage at that young age. Big Sister struggled with a mix of hurt and jealousy.

“Am I always going to be not as good?”

I struggled, too.

I mean, given their genetics, none of our children were ever going to be athletically coordinated, let alone gifted. As the larger and stronger child, though, her little sister did have an edge. What to say to this little wet waif, certain that she would always be at the end of every performance test?

I wish I had known the question she was really asking:  “Do I have value no matter how well I can swim? Am I still precious to you when I fail? Will you love me the same even if I’m always “not as good” as someone else?

Jealousy and insecurity are as old as Cain and Abel, whether it be between siblings, friends, or total strangers whom kids hear their parents praising. It seems a logical leap for a child to think, “Mom likes her better than me,” when she hears her parent talking about the good points of another child.

Most of us have lived with the fear that we won’t be liked, or liked as well, if we don’t perform to a certain level. Healthy adults learn to separate their identity from other peoples’ judgments. Children, though, are still forming their identity and feelings of jealousy and insecurity are normal as they struggle to figure out their place.

So should I lie about my younger child’s prowess to appease the older? Do we never praise another child?

I doubt that’s the best approach, though. Encouragement is in short enough supply for most of us, so I’d vouch for forging full speed ahead on encouraging any child who needs or deserves it. Our children need a healthy balance of security and humility so that they know they are well loved but that they are not the only praiseworthy kid on the block.

How then do we foster security but not allow jealousy to take root?

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