Watching a child learn and grow is truly a pleasure; each day, parents are delighted as their child discovers new experiences, develops new skills, and comes to understand more about the world around her.

During these precious early years, parents wish to do everything in their power to enhance their child’s learning and give her all she needs to be successful both personally and academically.

Fortunately, there is good news for hopeful parents: Intelligence is more malleable and dynamic than was previously thought, meaning that there’s a great deal parents can do to encourage their children to excel intellectually. Understanding the mind of your child, with all of its unique aptitudes, can unlock potential far beyond that which can be measured by IQ tests.

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You were hoping to get through this simple errand without any misbehavior from your strong-willed child, but — as usual — here you are again, in a public situation with a child who isn’t quite meeting your expectations for public behavior.

Now what?

From your experience, every time you try to correct your child’s behavior, it turns into an epic power struggle and you tend to find yourself on the losing end most of the time. And that’s the last thing you want right now with all of these judgemental onlookers watching your every move.

When faced with the unique challenge of raising a strong-willed child, you may find yourself wondering what on earth you can even say to your child to help achieve your goal of improving that behavior, without turning the conversation into a seemingly never ending battle of wills, with no real solution in sight.

You may frequently wonder, why does a simple request such as, “Please stop that” have to turn into such a battle? Can’t he just do what I’ve asked of him like a child is supposed to do?

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“Mommy, is she going to be better at everything than me?”

I hugged my dripping wet tiny seven-year-old. At the end of our girls’ first swimming lessons, what I had dreaded the whole six week session happened.

The younger got promoted to the next level and her big sister didn’t.

Bigger and more athletic than her older sister, she simply had better motor skills, a higher attention span, and more courage at that young age. Big Sister struggled with a mix of hurt and jealousy.

“Am I always going to be not as good?”

I struggled, too.

I mean, given their genetics, none of our children were ever going to be athletically coordinated, let alone gifted. As the larger and stronger child, though, her little sister did have an edge. What to say to this little wet waif, certain that she would always be at the end of every performance test?

I wish I had known the question she was really asking:  “Do I have value no matter how well I can swim? Am I still precious to you when I fail? Will you love me the same even if I’m always “not as good” as someone else?

Jealousy and insecurity are as old as Cain and Abel, whether it be between siblings, friends, or total strangers whom kids hear their parents praising. It seems a logical leap for a child to think, “Mom likes her better than me,” when she hears her parent talking about the good points of another child.

Most of us have lived with the fear that we won’t be liked, or liked as well, if we don’t perform to a certain level. Healthy adults learn to separate their identity from other peoples’ judgments. Children, though, are still forming their identity and feelings of jealousy and insecurity are normal as they struggle to figure out their place.

So should I lie about my younger child’s prowess to appease the older? Do we never praise another child?

I doubt that’s the best approach, though. Encouragement is in short enough supply for most of us, so I’d vouch for forging full speed ahead on encouraging any child who needs or deserves it. Our children need a healthy balance of security and humility so that they know they are well loved but that they are not the only praiseworthy kid on the block.

How then do we foster security but not allow jealousy to take root?

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I am the child of a violent, alcoholic father and a narcissistic mother.

At 13, I was sexually molested by a man I worked for.

By 17 I was on a fast train to an early death, barreling downhill to that place with all the fire and brimstone.

Further, I was convinced I NEVER wanted children because I’d be the worst possible parent. I went through years of therapy, but still never trusted myself to have children.

But at age 30, well, you know what they say – things happen. I was recently divorced, pregnant, and terrified.

My plan was to put my child up for adoption for her own well-being, but when she was born all that changed.

I made a 13th-hour decision to raise my own child. God knew what she was doing – that decision turned out to be my saving grace.

I was challenged by the idea of setting behavioral parameters for my daughter. My mother gave me a few old books on child rearing; they had little relating to the world in the 1990s. There were no parenting classes where we lived; I was on my own. Neither of my parents were a good role model to follow. I decided to approach the issue logically.

I turned to the first book we used in therapy when I was 17, Born to Win by Muriel James, Ed.D., and Dorothy Jongeward, Ph.D. I’ve read this book at least 20 times over the years. I read it again when I brought my baby daughter home.

Born to Win is based in transactional analysis theory. The concepts are fundamental to understanding how to grow a healthy, happy child: the need for positive stroking; listening instead of lecturing; speaking from the “Adult” and understanding the “Child” (both in myself and my daughter); the effects of parenting; childhood and child ego states; and how we become autonomous adults. Exercises show how communication patterns can influence desired outcomes.

The Chapter One epigraph contains these words by Galileo:

You cannot teach a man anything,
You can only help him discover it within himself.

These words embody what it takes to raise a child. I can lead by example, I can hope to influence choices, I can provide opportunities, but I cannot “create” a person. She will be who she will be in spite of me.

The question I had to answer is what part will I play, and how? The very thought process scared me, raising my fear of failure.

I needed a plan, so I set to work.

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