Aren’t you amazed at how seemingly random things can send our kids into a complete emotional meltdown?
It doesn’t matter whether the child is 4 or 14.
In the moments before a meltdown it’s the face scrunching that gives it away.
As body language goes it’s all out there, up front and very personal. A clear signal that your child is very sad and needs your help to cope with the rush of unbearable feelings.
But in the heat of the meltdown, emotions run high. For us parents too. So what’s the best way to cool down the situation without clamping down the emotions?
My four-year-old son became distraught last weekend because his big sister had a bag to carry to the park, and he didn’t.
His suffering was palpable. The emotions vivid on his face. His little body tense with distress.
It took a lot of self-control to suppress my own mounting discomfort at his obvious upset over something so trivial from a grown-up perspective. With effort I remained calm, held him close and loved him through the moment.
We found another bag.
He was fine.
And yet, he wasn’t.
The bag was incidental. I realised next day that the whole episode was in fact about his imminent return to school after the holidays. He was scared. He was feeling out of control. The bag bore the brunt of that emotion.
I felt grateful I hadn’t dismissed his outburst as ridiculous and petty. More by luck than judgement, I confess. And this got me thinking.
How we respond to a sad child and the emotional meltdowns that inevitably bubble up throughout the growing years lays the foundation for the development of their emotional intelligence. It will affect how they view and manage their feelings, and those of others, throughout their lives.
This is important stuff. We need to do it right.
But like most things parenting, there are no absolutes when it comes to emotions. With a little forethought though, we can be prepared for when they explode, and rock our world with that explosion.
After some initial bumbling, I found that this 5-point action plan helps me respond to my kids’ emotional meltdowns in a nurturing manner. I’m always looking for new ideas though – so please do share what you do in these situations in the comments.
Here we go –
#1 Put on Your Own Oxygen Mask First
You know how on a flight the safety announcement implores you to sort your own air supply before helping others? Well the same is true for effective parenting of a sad child in meltdown mode.
We parents are responsible for making sure our kids learn to manage their sea of emotions. And we can’t do that until we get our own house in order first.
Of course, when faced with an upset child this is often easier said than done.
With my husband away a few weeks ago I was under a lot of pressure. The children were displaced. I was running the home, two businesses, my kids.
I was running on empty.
Little son was noticing my increasingly fractious state. And doing his best to compete.
At 10pm on day six I was wearily dishing up my congealed dinner when my son cried out for the 7th time from his bed. He needed a wee. Again. Something inside me snapped.
My Mummy-energy was depleted. I had precious little left to give.
I stalked upstairs and cursorily moved my sobbing child from bed-to-bathroom-to-bed like an automaton.
He didn’t deserve that.
I spent the rest of the evening feeling awful, and reflecting on how I could/should have responded differently in that moment.
What my son was actually saying was this:
‘Mummy, I’m having a hard time settling tonight. I don’t know why. I just know I need you. Now. Please come and love me, and hug me, and remind me again that you are there.’
But in my own emotionally drained state, I didn’t hear it.
I dropped the ball that night. 4/10 Mom. Must try harder.
We’re not always calm ourselves. But that’s the point.
Simply recognising and acknowledging that fact can be enough to help us act in the appropriate way for our child next time.
Pause.
Breathe.
And only then, Act.
When a similar situation arose the following night, I stopped myself on the bottom stair and counted to ten. The Mom-compassion was still there. It just took a little while to find.
Not a perfect 10, but close. Practice makes perfect.
Going back to our airline analogy, the airline crews KNOW they need to stay calm in a crisis. They KNOW that individual emotional responses can be tamed with tranquillity. So in case of emergencies, they fall back on their practiced drills to keep their heads level and then use their calm to help us control our feelings. And in doing so they keep us all safe.
This is Emotional Intelligence in action.
Psychologist David Caruso sums up perfectly the thinking behind this approach:
It is very important to understand that Emotional Intelligence is not the opposite of intelligence, it is not the triumph of heart over head – it is the unique intersection of both.
When we understand this for ourselves, we can start to regulate our feelings. Not by corralling them into a confined space where they are suppressed. But by allowing ourselves space to view them objectively. BEFORE formulating a response.
So next time you sense a meltdown bubbling up, get yourself some air. Clear your head to create space where emotional order can be put into action.
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#2 Embrace the Fifty Shades
No, not the Fifty Shades of Grey!
I’m talking about the fifty shades of emotions, here.
I strongly dislike the phrase ‘Negative Emotion’. It smacks of something bad, undesirable, to be avoided and suppressed. Why should this be so?
All emotions are valid.
All are real.
And all are experienced very intensely by our children.
Our role as parents is not to judge our child’s emotions. It is to help them acknowledge, embrace and understand those feelings for what they are. And then to give them the tools to manage and learn from them.
Child expert Janet Lansbury has a great phrase that sums this up – ‘Our perceptions of our children’s behavior will always dictate our responses’.
If we perceive our child’s emotional meltdown as an irritation, our response is likely to be exasperation. Or worse still, a scolding.
If we tell our weeping child to pull themselves together we are sending the message that such feelings are to be suppressed.
If we struggle to deal with their emotion at all, choosing to withdraw from our child, we create fear of abandonment.
These responses serve only to establish a distance between the child and their emotions. And damages the bond between parent and child.
Children love to please. They crave our acceptance. They need to know we love and value them no matter what emotion they are facing at the moment. And in this way we help open their door to self-acceptance too.
When my children are sad, mad, or frustrated I try hard to first accept and acknowledge what they are feeling. And then welcome every facet of that emotion into the world like it’s a precious gift.
Because loving only the happy stuff is akin to only loving half your child.
Committing to embrace every shade of your child’s emotion helps to set things straight.
#3 Remember that Emotions are like Onions…
It’s easy to label an emotion and take it at face value – ‘My child is SAD because Daddy is away. I will hug him and reassure him. He will feel better.’
But emotions are rarely that simple.
My boy was sad because his Daddy was away the other week. But the feelings he acted out around that went beyond simple sadness.
He had far bigger fish to fry.
Served up for our mutual appreciation were:
- A sense of abandonment – ‘Daddy has left me’
- Glimpses of an appreciation of mortality – ‘If Daddy is gone maybe he’s dead?’
- His fear of cause and effect – ‘Has Daddy gone because of something I did?’
For the parent it would be simple if these issues came up over a quiet chat and a nice cup of coffee.
My son is four. Too young for coffee. And with few conversational skills to speak of as yet.
But his emotions were still right there. Complex and multi-layered.
They were starting to fester. And sure enough, they came out:
- Abandonment – manifested as a need for constant reassurance. And a reluctance to go to bed – with one particularly memorable screaming fit.
- Mortality – endless questions about death, heaven, other places Daddy could be.
- Cause and Effect – there was a high degree of limit testing – throwing things (at his sister), hitting, biting and kicking (at me) – he knows these actions are unacceptable, but it was as if he lost all impulse control for a while.
Initially I gave little – and paid the price. The acting out intensified.
I didn’t feel particularly Intelligent at the time, but I sure had the Emotion part nailed.
Then my head intervened. I quickly realised that what he needed was a reinforcement of the normal boundaries that make him feel safe.
It worked.
When your child is acting out take a moment to remind yourself that emotions are complex. Beneath the upper layers of Sad, Angry and Frustrated lie a whole bunch of other layers – each harder to peel, each bringing out fresh tears.
Just remembering that our kids’ emotional meltdown can be as complex as our own emotional outbursts will help us stay calm and help our kids deal with their emotions more effectively.
#4 Be Their Emotion Anchor
Feelings of sadness, anger and fear can be all consuming for a child.
That desperate openness on their faces in a meltdown moment is begging for limits and boundaries. For a firm anchor that keeps them from going adrift in a sea of overwhelming emotions.
It’s our role as parents to create a safe space in which it’s okay for our children to express their feelings. And, importantly, to guide them towards acceptable ways of doing so.
When your child is experiencing an emotional meltdown, try one of these responses:
- Be Present – remain in the room. Gently place your arm on their shoulder or hug them. Whatever they need. But be there. Don’t leave. You are their safety net.
- Be Stretchy – your child may resist your help, physically or verbally. That’s okay. When my son tells me to go away he doesn’t really mean it. He means ‘I need to see if you love me enough to stay.’
- Be Verbal – give your child the words to name their feelings, while simultaneously acknowledging them: “I can see you are UPSET right now. You are ANGRY because I said you can’t have the sweets”; “You are SAD because our doggy as died. It HURTS inside and makes you want to cry”; “It’s FRUSTRATING when you can’t have the pen to draw on the wall, I can see that makes you MAD”.
- Be Physical – we’ve all met children who are a tad boisterous. And those who don’t know when to stop. Simply because they’ve never been shown how. Meltdown moments are your opportunity to establish physical boundaries for your child. My daughter went through a phase of biting when she was cross. My son’s preferred abuse takes the form of a head butt. Neither is okay:
– Hold firmly.
– “Stop”.
– “This is not okay”.
– Repeat as necessary – this may take some time. Persevere. It works.
- Be Alternative – telling your child to stop physically is one thing. But they need to do something with that emotion. So provide alternatives for them. This leads us neatly into the final point of our action plan …
#5 Help them Build a Personalized Emotion Toolkit
Over the last seven years as a parent I’ve discovered five effective tools to give my children to help them manage their emotional world.
These tools travel alongside them in their emotion toolkit.
As they grow, they are slowly learning which one to pull out in any given situation.
Crucially, all place the child in control:
- Self-acknowledge – a simple, personal mantra that makes them feel safe – ‘I am safe, I am strong, I am loved.’ Choose words with your child that resonate for them.
- Make physical space for yourself – learn to find a place where you can express yourself safely – this has been particularly effective with my son. He has quite independently chosen the space behind the floor-to-ceiling curtain in our hall as his private spot. I know when he takes himself there he is dealing with something.
- Choose a private emotional outlet – punching your pillow, talking to teddy, running very fast, listening to music – my daughter has benefitted massively from the first of these. For a while when she was little her Meltdown MO was uncontrollable crying, that fell short of physical expression. I encouraged her to punch her pillow in those moments. It worked wonders to release the pent up energy that crying alone failed to let loose.
- Find some happy – to move on from strong emotions I teach my children to create a happy moment for themselves by doing something they love. It’s an effective way of re-establishing an emotional balance. For my daughter colouring works well; for my son it’s being creative with the Duplo. No rights or wrongs here, just what works for your child.
- Indulge the feelings – when emotions run deep it can help to prompt their release – a sad child may elect to repeatedly watch the scene in Bambi where the Mom dies; an angry child can find comfort in building and then destroying a wooden tower, and so on. Be mindful that your child may prefer certain actions over others – my girl loves to talk, watch and listen, my boy prefers to act. What stereotypes?!
The 2-Minute Action Plan for Fine Parents
Waiting for the meltdown to happen is leaving it too late. Here are some things you can do right now to prepare both yourself and your child for the next, inevitable, episode:
- Practice keeping things in perspective and avoid the panic – your child experiencing a strong emotion is not a medical emergency. Your calm will show them the way through whatever they are feeling.
- Limit actions, but not feelings – keep yourselves physically safe, but allow the emotions to flow.
- Remind yourself that your child’s capacity for emotion regulation is limited. Their outburst is usually a message, a signal, a cry for help – look beyond the here and now to what lies beneath.
The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents
Over the course of time, slowly help your child improve their capacity for emotional regulation.
- Take the time to actively notice and name emotions with your children every day. It will become second nature, and help you both when the emotion barometer rises.
- Make emotional reflection a natural part of your communications – when an emotional outburst has subsided be sure to revisit it when your child is ready. Replay, acknowledge, remind them of how they moved safely through it. Thank your child for their willingness to share their emotions with you.
- Be kind to yourself – you have emotions too. Let them out in your own space and time so they don’t interfere when your child needs you most.
I needed this article in my life today! My 2 year old has been having many emotional meltdowns lately and I have been running out of patience. Thank you for the tips, there are many here that I am going to use 🙂
So glad this article came at the right time for you, Kyra! I’m trying a few of these with my daughter as well, and it’s not always easy… I have to remind myself over and over that it’s all about progress, not perfection. Good luck with your little one.
Thank you for this succinct and informative advice. It’s so hard to not respond in kind when our little darlings are ‘acting out’. Thank you for the easy-to-follow checklist to help maintain perspective and be empathetic. I can remember being told to ‘chill out’, ‘it’s no big deal’, or that my feelings were ‘unacceptable and disrespectful’ as a child. Being dismissed, ridiculed, criticized, and/or punished for expressing genuine emotions is so hurtful…and lonesome. Thank you for the helpful script to follow. Being able to mentally practice and be prepared for the next meltdown is incredibly helpful! Thank you, thank you, thank you for your wisdom, and your loving parenting advice!!!!!
Thanks Lindsay, the fact you can still remember how it felt not to have your feelings acknowledged as a child shows just how important it is to get this right. It must have been very tough, so all power to you for finding your own adult karma and a desire to do things differently.
Kyra
I agree with you totally these are wonderful tips.
And maybe I missed something in the readings above, But I would like to add this:
The only part I would caution us as parents, grandparents, teachers, caregivers
in the learning of parenting skills that this is not about doing what is “right” and then if we mess up because we are exhausted and then scoring ourselves with a number out of 10.
We are all doing the best we can at the moment. Learning is also our example to our children. Apologizing to our child later, and thus teaching them we too make mistakes ( given that apologizing means I’ll work at doing it differently the next time) is very big in achieving a happy life. They will learn to forgive themselves and carry on.
The “musts” or the absolutes are not helpful to any of us.
I know this from experience!
Our meltdowns need our loving kindness too.
These teachings of being a loving parent are so great. I am glad that this and others are available.
So little was around when I was a mother who was looking for “|how|”
Now at 64, I am thrilled about what has come about in the last 10 years.
We are indeed evolving lovingly. And this whole program and others are, I believe, helping us all.
Thank you, ” A Fine Parent “
I could totaly relate! My mom used to mock and redicule me when I was upset or going through tough times , puberty included! All I wanted was a hug, never happened! Thanks for the article!
Ouch, that sounds tough, Roo. We can’t change the past, but we certainly can create a better future. Wish you the very best in healing yourself and being a much more caring, supportive parent!
Thanks! Great article at a very relevant time. Very useful advice and helpful to take a step back and rethink how to approach interacting with my daughter when she struggles with her emotions.
Thanks, Julie. My daughter’s a tough cookie, until she’s not — which is why I loved this article. So glad to hear it resonated with you as well!
I like this article. Improving our emotional intelligence is a pathway that leads to authentic happiness and self confidence.
Glad you liked it, Peter. Thank you so much for sharing. I hadn’t heard of “emotional intelligence” until well into my adult years, but am glad that I can now add some of these skills to my daughter’s tool kit!
Some really useful tips. I would like to add something to your comment about cause and effect. I always find it helpful to remember that children test boundaries when things are unsettling them in their lives because they are searching for the reassurance of your predictable response as a parent. They expect you to respond by telling that’s not okay and it reassures them that not everything has changed.
That’s a good point, Fiona. Further adding to that, it is equally important to show them in these moments that they are still loved. It’s easier said than done though. When my daughter is pushing boundaries and I am already at my wits end, it’s hard to not just hold on to the boundaries without losing my cool, but also to reassure her “it doesn’t matter how bad you think you are at the moment, I still love you and that will never change”. When I do pull it off, it has such a huge impact on her and I can visibly see her settling down…
You’re absolutely right Fiona, consistency is so important. The security it generates is like a comfort blanket for our kids. Thanks for the additional insight.
Oh Sumitha and Cally, thank you, thank you ever so much! I so needed this article today. My 2-year old is on a hunger strike for close to 5 days now and obviously its leading to lots of tears and not very savory behaviour! I am so glad I read this article. In all this time, after losing my patience a few times, I did figure out that love, compassion and trying to articulate all those tears into meaningful emotions makes life easier for both of us. Still doesn’t get any food into him, but at least we have both been able to stem those tears a bit more efficiently. When I sense a meltdown approaching, I go down to his level, hold him close and remind him, “darling, mommy doesn’t understand when you scream or cry, let us please use our words. what is it that is making you sad/upset/mad/frustrated”. It works better than dismissing him or ignoring him (suggestions from some well-meaning people). At some points I feared I was probably spoiling him rotten, allowing him to act out and not really “parenting” him (read: disciplining him). Thanks so much for alleviating those unfounded fears. After having read what Cally had to say here, I feel motivated to continue my rickety-yet-forward-looking journey towards becoming a finer parent. Ever grateful for this blog site!
Ouch Shveta, I can imagine how stressful that must be! My daughter went through a phase where she would bring her entire lunch back home exactly the way I had packed it in the morning. Some days, even the water bottle would be full! I would get upset that she hadn’t eaten anything the entire day (again) and in her hungry/tired state she’d get upset that I was upset and meltdown… it was a mess. Just like you, only when I learnt to stop bugging her about the food and focused on calmly trying to show her how much I really cared about her (and not just that she ate), things started to get better. She still is a very poor eater at lunchtime in school, but makes up for it at dinner at home. The pediatrician assures me that her height/weight/BMI/etc are normal, so I’ve stopped worrying. I hope you find resolution with your son’s hunger strike soon!
PS: Your enthusiasm about the blog has put a silly little grin on my face. I don’t think I’ll be able to wipe it off any time soon. Thank you 🙂
🙂 Keep smiling, I’m sure you definitely make a lot of people feel happier about themselves with this initiative!
Here’s hoping for healthier eating children 🙂
Ahh, Shveta, I feel for you! It’s such a worry when their behaviour strikes at the heart of something so fundamental to their well being. You are clearly investing a great deal of emotional energy into working this through with him – that alone defines you as a caring, nurturing and fine parent. It’s hard to stick by your instincts in the face of criticism, you should be proud of yourself for that. Here’s hoping your son find his mealtime happy soon!
Thanks for this nice article…
In fact the emotional is the hardest…with young people and adult as well…!
Glad the article resonated with you, Chems 🙂
I love this article and I love your action plan. Childrens emotions are in fact a message, they simply dont have the skills necessary to communicate it in a more effective way. It is our jobs as parents to work with them on this (and it takes time and consistency!). It is important that we do not let a child’s emotional meltdown escalate us. They will see your energy and emotional shift and feed into that more and more. Stay calm and remember they are sending a message. A toddler is going through a lot, understanding themselves, learning about the world around them, learning about emotions, growing into more independence, etc. Sometimes all it takes is getting them to practice stating in a calm voice “I wanted a bag to carry too” and if they do this in a calm way, you can praise them and offer them either a bag or something else to carry. Great read! I have similar parenting posts and tips on my blog and would love for you to check it out given our similar interests 🙂
Smiles,
Shaina
Your’e so right, Shaina. This process is as much about us developing out own EI as it is about teaching our kids. It’s so important to train ourselves first to see the “message” in the meltdowns as you mentioned it, and then slowly teach our kids to use words to share those messages instead of getting frustrated/agitated into a meltdown.
PS: Love your site. Thanks for sharing!
Great article. My 3 year old son is a lovely little boy but is very prone to some spectacular tantrums and loves to hit or kick his little sister when he is upset. I have been trying to implement some of the above strategies already and they really do seem to work. I just feel I need to try a bit harder which is not always easy but reading this article reinforces my belief that I can do it.
It’s so nice to read about parents supporting their kids through what is normally seen as “bad behavior”. Kudos to you for that. Nadia. My daughter is quite strong-willed and from your description, it sounds like your son might be too? If you haven’t already read it, I highly recommend grabbing a copy of “Raising Your Spirited Child” by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. Even if you’re busy and cannot the read the whole book, just reading the initial few chapters can make a HUGE difference in the way you view your child, and hence your ability to respond to him. This book had a huge influence on how I see my daughter…
Oh yes Sumitha, my son is VERY spirited & strong willed but mostly in a good way. Thanks very much for the book tip, I shall definitely hunt it down.
I love this article, saved, read, printed and will practice. Thank you so much.
x
gelytayz
Thanks, Gelytayz — so glad the article resonated with you 🙂
Thanks for a really helpful and encouraging article. My 5 year old has quite a few meltdowns at the moment, maybe because he is preparing to start school, maybe because his grandmother recently died, maybe a combination of many reasons. Anyway, I have recently been using the methods you describe and it really works. My difficulty now is that his meltdowns often start with him lashing out at his younger brother: if I am alone with them then I am left trying to deal simultaneously with the crying toddler and the melting down 5 year old who is still hitting his brother continuously. I haven’t yet worked out a way to meet both their needs in that moment. Any advice would be very gratefully received!
Dealing with two at once has to be one of the toughest challenges Julia, I’m sorry to hear you are having a hard time with that right now. Every child and situation is unique, but I’ll happily share what works for me, and if any other readers have suggestions to add we’d love to hear them!
I’ve found through trial and error in such situations I need to remain present for both children, but also take charge and prioritise – they need to see those boundaries clicking into place in order to feel safe again. First, I create a physical distance that stops the hitting. A firm arm around the hitter that contains the arms if necessary while holding him close and quietly repeating ‘Stop. I can see you’re upset but we don’t hit, that’s not okay’ seems to calm him.
Second, it’s important to give the other child some love and reassurance too. I find myself sitting on the floor or sofa, with one arm around each child, offering calming talk to one, and reassurance of safety talk to the other. They are both often still crying. It can take time but they do both eventually calm down and I move the dialogue to a joint conversation that talks about not making each other sad, and how we can all go do something together to move on. That final step is crucial to helping them to let the intense emotions go.
The most important aspect of the whole thing is to remain present for both. And when it’s over, be sure to take a Mom-time-out for 5 minutes. You will need it. Good luck Julia, I hope that helps some!
Thanks, Cally, I will definitely try that, I think it could work. I hate it when I feel that I am abandoning one child and his very real needs in order to meet the needs of the other.
I may have to take up body building, though, as I am pretty small and it sometimes takes all my arms and legs to contain my 5 year old without hurting him or getting hurt myself!
That is a very difficult situation, Julia.
Love your approach, Cally. That covers it so beautifully!
Julia and anyone interested in further reading about this approach, I highly recommend the new book by Dr. Markham that is set to release next month (May 2015). It’s called “Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life” and is packed with strategies and examples of scenarios just like the one Julia mentioned. I am a huge proponent of Dr. Markham’s peaceful parenting philosophy and got an advanced copy of the book and was really impressed (though not surprised) by how wonderful it is.
I love Dr Markham’s website and articles!
I’m having problems with my 2 year (+2 months) old at nap time and bed time. After going down with no problems at all, now its screaming and she only wants to be held and almost “rocked” to sleep. Its a big tantrum and I’m being calm and try to talk to her. She calms down, yawns and then just pretends to close her eyes in my arms. I have tryed talking with her, ask her whats wrong, but shes so little yet she cant express anything. I know shes tired but something resists. On some ocations at night she ends up in my bed and I feel like I’m giving in…
I can not leave her screaming and crying forever in her bed, so I’m at a loss of what to do….
From one mom to another, I think you’re doing fine, Elke 🙂 The fact that you are trying to stay calm through the turmoil and reading articles like this one indicate you are an awesome parent. Kids go through phases like this, I think. I know my daughter used to resist sleep a lot at one point too. One of the things that worked for us was working a stories into our nap/bedtime routine. I’d either read or make up stories. Most of my made up stories had a very similar formula but she was too young to notice and lapped them up 🙂 And of course a lot of hugs. At that age, they are too young to know or express what is actually bothering them – distraction and unconditional love seems to do the trick. Good luck!
Elke, I would agree with Sumitha, it sounds to me that you are doing just fine as you are. Often our children’s cries are not asking for a fix, just simple love and reassurance, which you are communicating perfectly in the way you are dealing with this. It is so hard when they are unable to tell you exactly what’s wrong, but you know she needs you, and you are being there for her and that’s great. It will pass, my daughter too was the same at around 2.5 years – she would call out night after night before settling. And then one day I realised she’d stopped. And I smiled. Stick with it – one day soon that smile will reach you too.
This article was awesome, but I want more!
Is there a specific book you could recommend that treats this topic with greater detail and dovetails with your observations?
Thanks!
Thanks, Sarah. The books that come to my mind are –
1. Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids by Dr. Laura Markham
2. Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by Dr. John Gottman
If anyone has more suggestions, I’m interested too. Please leave a comment in this thread using the “reply” button. Thanks!
What a fabulous article, Cally! I’m a parenting coach and immediately share it with my peeps, and plan on adding it as bonus material to my core parenting program. I’d love to connect with you sometime, I have a feeling we’d get along famously.
Thank you for writing this beautiful, inspiring and concretely helpful article which will no doubt impact a large amount of people!
And you don’t by any chance write in French, do you? I want to translate my program to my native language, but I include bonus articles to each of my modules and trying to find new ones has felt overwhelming to me.
Eliane, thanks so much for your supportive comments, it’s wonderful to know that the article has made such a positive impact 🙂 I’d love to help you, and dearly wish I could write as fluidly in French, but sadly my grammar and vocabulary remain weak (despite my continued efforts to get to grips with them!). I couldn’t inflict such abuse of your beautiful language on others, I’m sorry. But it would be great to connect with you too – are you on Linked-In and FB?
I’m on LinkedIn though not very active there. But definitely on Facebook! Eliane Sainte-Marie is my personal page and Parenting For Wholeness is my fan page.
Here’s a link to a recent article I wrote a few weeks ago which got loads of responses, if you want to get a sense of my work. 🙂
The Key to Well-Behaved Children Who Listen to You, While Fully Respecting Them: http://www.coachingforwholeness.com/blog/the-key-to-well-behaved-children-who-listen-to-you-while-fully-respecting-them.
Thanks Eliane, your blog and parenting approach look to be very interesting – am now following and looking forward to learning more 🙂
This is great advice, with one caveat. What you are describing is a tantrum. A big emotional tantrum but it is very different to what is experienced by an autistic child who is actually melting down.
You can distinguish a tantrum and a meltdown based on whether the child calms down when he gets what he wants – if the child is crying and flinging their body on the floor because they want a chocolate and you give it to them, and they stop, it is a tantrum. In a meltdown they may throw the chocolate at you, self-harm, harm others, destroy property etc.
I believe language is really important. It is hard for autistic people and parents of autistic people to convey the seriousness of a meltdown when it is now used to describe every child’s tantrum.
I hope you don’t take this as me criticising your advice, because I think it is sound…I just wanted to make this point.
Thank you, Rachel, for your thoughts. And they are in no way taken as critcism. I can only begin to imagine the challenges faced by parents of autistic children, and anything that helps to raise awareness of the importance of such language subtleties and distinctions is fine by me. The use of language is always evolving and I suspect you are fighting a losing battle on this one, but thank you for raising this important point. I’m curious – do you think the advice would work in the kind of meltdown you describe? And are there other techniques you know of that could be adopted more effectively in that situation?
Yes for my child this advice would work in a meltdown – which luckily for us are blissfully rare. He is 4 now and I can pick his triggers from a mile away so we don’t usually get to that point.
It does depend on the child and individual preferences.
We have done a lot of work talking about big emotions and how they make our bodies feel and act. We do this when he is calm and happy. Then when things start to go south we can gently work with him. He likes a firm hug. He may push me away but he does respond to the hug. I tell him I am with him and he is safe and I help him put words to his feelings. We reflect together and work through it.
His disability means he can’t help the meltdown and can become overwhelmed easily, but his disability doesn’t give him carte blanche to hurt himself, others and property. So I focus on allowing him to feel what he feels, not denying the reality and the seriousness of it all to him, and giving him strategies to keep him and others safe and manage those big emotions.
I hope that makes sense!
Thanks Rachel for bringing up the language oversight. Like Cally mentioned, it is something that neither she or I caught. I will try to be more attentive while editing future articles. Also, thanks for sharing what works with your son’s meltdown. We have a few parents in our community who have kids with autism — I hope your grounded comments give them hope, strength and perhaps a few new ideas to try.
Thank you for sharing that Rachel, it sounds as if you are doing as amazing job. Your love for your son and your inner strength really shine through, and I’m sure other parents with similar challenges will welcome your advice and ideas. Peace and love to you and your son.
What a thought-provoking article. I appreciated your honesty. My kids are teenagers and we have melt-downs on a regular basis. Sometimes, it can be tempting to write-it-off as a time of the month thing (they are all 3 girls). I’m so thankful for the tips you gave here. I love that you said all feelings are real and deserve attention and if we only accept the good ones, that’s kind of like only loving half of my child.
So glad the article resonated with you, Tiffanie. Thanks for your kind words 🙂
Thank you for this. Our life has been in a bit of upheaval recently; we had a house guest for a week, and then Daddy went away for awhile. Needless to say, my 3-year-old has been having a lot of meltdowns over the past few days, and by the end of the day I find myself pretty short on patience. Sometimes it’s so hard to act like an adult, to just be there for my son while he deals with his emotions when I’m having a hard time dealing with my own. These are some good ideas, and I will try to keep them in my mind.
Ouch that’s a tough spot to be in, Holly. But it’s a temporary one, and soon as they say, this too shall pass. Wishing you the very best to come out the other side stronger!
Thank you for this article, we’ve been struggling with this for my 3-year old boy. I wonder how you give them the emotional tools you talked about (punching a pillow, etc.) After he calms down (which can take a while) my son usually wants a hug and a talk but doesn’t show any interest in those coping techniques. When do you talk to your kids about them?
Hey Cara, sorry to hear you are struggling, but you know it’s great that your son is turning to you for a hug and a talk after a distressing time. That suggests you already have a really strong connection with him. I’m not sure that a young child ever appears to be directly receptive of any advice or guidance we offer – what I’ve found though, is that they do listen. Even if you think they don’t. So keep up that dialogue!
I found the time that worked best to bring these kinds of tools up is in the moments when they are becoming wound up, but have yet to completely unravel – it’s in these moments they are searching for somewhere to go with the emotions.
I’ll say something like ‘I can see you’re very upset/sad/angry now, what could we do with those feelings? Hitting is not okay, but you could go punch your pillow? That way no one gets hurt but you can let out the angry’ I also make sure that EVERY time I say to them ‘What you are feeling is always okay – it’s what you do with the feelings that matters.’
They may not choose to use the tool this time, but if you take every chance you get to reinforce the idea, eventually one time when you suggest it they will try it.
Curiously, I find that the tools they need are not necessarily alternatives to the direct behaviour – if my son is hitting, for example, he seems comfortable with his physical expression, he know he needs to stop so punching a pillow is no help to him. What he needs more often are suggestions for other ways to cope. Hence why taking himself to a quiet spot is so powerful for him. This had never occured to him before. Likewise with my daughter – she would scream and cry and verbalise very effectively, but found letting out her physical emotions difficult – which is why the pillow punching works for her.
I hope that makes some kind of sense Cara, and you can help your son work through this through.
With my six year old, I’ll point out that his attitude needs some adjusting and order exercise (push-ups, jumping jacks, running, whatever). Depending on his mood, I’ll order 10, 20, or “until you feel better.” The activity not only gets his blood flowing and endorphins moving, but it gets him to detach from the intense thoughts and feelings causing his mood. Once he’s done he’s completely capable of a rational conversation; both through talking and listening.
With my toddler, I turn to getting him to laugh. I might hold him upside down to “get that blood flowing back to the head” or I’ll tickle him and say “no more grumpy guy!” Yes, he’s often resistant, but sometimes it’s because he’s having fun and he doesn’t want me to stop. After a minute or two of this I can stop and ask him if he wants a drink of water, something to eat, or a new diaper (or do this without any tickling or upside down time). It helps A LOT.
This is a great article. It is so important for children to lean how to deal with there emotions. I work with many adults who have gotten themselves into some big troubles because of their poor emotional intelligence to develop better tools to contain and control their emotions. Recent research on brain function has taught us that when we engage in venting techniques they are actually reinforcing the aggressive neural networks in our brain and what we really want to do is to dissolve this neural network and build up a calm peaceful network. We work on techniques that connect them too their calm, peaceful side so that when they are triggered they are able to act rather than react. I encourage as we work with our children to get them to learn what works for them to calm down. Activities such as Learning to take deep breathes and count to ten; walking , running, playing ball; drawing , coloring; listening to music are some such activities. This will be more beneficial than engaging in there aggressive venting activities.
I am an autistic grandma, if this makes it to you will be my first sharing on a talk site.
I have really learned a lot what I’ve done wrong & what my mom did wrong. If my mom’s not autistic she has no excuse lol. I pretty sure she is.I thought I was doing good,leaving the room& putting a door between a child having a melt down and self. I did not scream at my kids nor whip them with tree branches that brought forth welts.
I am so glad that your followers are so understanding of Autistic children. And can see that they are not little people with big bad attitudes. And they stand to live a much more full life. I am sooo gratefull for this information so I can help grand girls & my adult children hopefully.Autistic children & adults need things broken down, to placaes that most people do on reflex.
This year is the first year that insurance co. will help adults over 19! So I have a lot to learn and I am teach able.
I was tested 2 & 3 times each year kind-6th grade (schools only test a child once in that time). Tested high I q but couldn’t do work? Well feel free to cut this out or?
I just never had any example other than my own imagination. I was told I was a pretty child and adult, but I felt ugly inside for the bad attitude I was labeled with. I can see how you and your parents you have Will not have to worry about having a child like that. The pain I felt& covered up with anger & I can see all the miss understood sarrow now.
Good job.
Dear summit
I realy happy to read that article I have three kids my daughter is five years old and my son is two years and my younger daughter is just eight months some time due to whole day home work I get tired and I get angry on them if they are not listening me especially in morning my big daughter take one hour to complete her breakfast and we get late for school and my son is very emotional he sometime through thing on me please tell me how can I control on my anger and how I deal with my kids
My husband and I have been affirming my little boy’s feelings from the get go (he’s now 6). I remember being so sensitive as a child and my mom making fun of me for it. It wasn’t safe to express “negative” emotions. So I definitely don’t want to make the same mistake with my child.
I’m feeling torn however, since sometimes my little guy gets really upset when he doesn’t get his way or wants the impossible, ie: “I want to do this day over!” or “I want my friend….to want to play what I want to play”. We try to hold him and empathize and help him problem solve, but he just wants to scream and cry. The teachers at school seem to want to urge us to get him to move on from the crying/tantrumming more quickly. And it seems in kinder they helped him to do this. But I’m a little at a loss as to how to proceed. Especially because his screaming, crying and/or whining pushes my buttons and i have a hard time coming back (I’ve suffered with depression for many years). Not sure if you have any ideas.
Thank you for this! I’ve found this week so difficult with my five year old. I lost my temper and really shouted at him on Wednesday evening the. Spent all of Thursday feeling awfully guilty. Just what I needed to read.
Thanks for this article! All of the replies help too.
I have a 4.5 year old with strong emotions and strong reactions. He gets more upset if he knows I am mad or sad. He gets really mad if he can’t have something he wants, i.e., treats any time of the day. I try to handle that with “rules” that I establish as needed or give him choices, i.e., we can’t have treats in the morning (rule) but you can have strawberries or an apple. He also gets mad if he thinks he’s going to lose a game. But I’ve seen some progress here. His reactions with peers and in public make it difficult to enjoy being around him sometimes. He recently really got into a show with a superhero named catboy and wants to be catboy all the time. He will sometimes get mad at you if you call him by his first name than call him catboy. I’ve established rules about this too, i.e., at school you are (name) and at home you can be catboy. In our recent conversations I’ve been thinking he likes to be the superhero because he is strong, runs fast, can do anything, etc, and that being himself, his name, is bad/negative/doesn’t measure up. We are always positive with him and give constructive criticism only as needed. My husband and I are somewhat even keel people but when he pushes our buttons it’s very hard to stay in control. It hurts me to think that he may feel less than if he can’t do everything his peers do. He is very sensitive and notices everything even though he may bit say much. I know this is a critical time to help him establish good self esteem and confidence. He is in preK, karate, and learn to skate. Other than that we don’t have many friends with kids his age and play dates aren’t that regular. He is also an only child. This is getting long but I’m interested if anyone has any comments for me or in general about fostering self esteem with a sensitive/reactive personality type. Thanks!
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Good article! We are linking to this great post on our site.
Keep up the great writing.
Good article! We are linking to this great post on our site.
Keep up the great writing.
Thank you for a very informative and practical piece.
My take-aways are many, but perhaps the biggest one is:
“‘Your child experiencing a strong emotion is not a medical emergency. Your calm will show them the way through whatever they are feeling.”
Thank you for these words of wisdom.
Best,
Katie O’Grady
Needed help today and came across this. I just started school and have been extremely busy. My kids are used to having my full attention. I have noticed my 4 yr old has been crying lately about trivial things. Today his MDO teacher said h cried about everything. I didn’t think think anything about it and then got to thinking maybe it’s because he hasn’t been getting my full attention. Then I came across this and it has reassured me that this maybe be the case.
I found this article because my 11 year old stepson is staying with us this week and has had major meltdowns (crying, sobbing, screaming, slamming things) both nights over things that should not be causing such reactions. He has stayed with us before, but this is the first time in our new house. I let my husband handle it and he was pretty calm and reasonable with his son, but I am still seeking advice on what to do when these meltdowns happen long after the age where they are developmentally appropriate. We have fun all day and he is happy and then at bedtime, when he’s told it’s time to start settling, all hell breaks loose. I’m exhausted because we’ve been up late the last two nights dealing with these meltdowns.
I’ve read many of these comments but not all. I’m not seeing where meltdowns in a daycare situation is addressed. A lot of this seems to address meltdowns at home.
Parent(s), are not available during a meltdown at daycare so the question begs what to do. Our situation is a meltdown for a two and a half year old in a daycare setting while both mom and dad are working.
Hopefully the daycare teacher (s) are using these kinds of responses and if not hopefully they would be open to trying them 🙂
I love this article. Thank you. I am dealing with learning and understanding my own emotions as an adult. It seems I was not guided to understand my emotions as a child. I don’t remember any of this. I remember my mother being there for me. Alas, I’ve realized I am not addressing my daughters’ emotions as well as I should. I am wondering if it is very late to start applying these suggestions with a 5 year old? Will it make a difference or is she set in her EI? Can EI improve over time? Any response would help. Thank you again!! Eye opener!
Never too late. I’d just say it’s easier to start as early as possible. 🙂
I’m dealing with this now and its nothing but crazy..many times I truly have to ask myself where I missed it..my 6yo cried his lungs out for at least 55mins cos his teacher made another pupil class captain over him. he just couldn’t deal.
I tried to keep him calm for the next 3 hours until I put him to bed.
gosh
How do parents even have time to write or read this long form prose?
Next time, give us the key takeaways in a few concise and bit-size bullet points. Be smart about this – ain’t nobody got time for that.
I think you just saved me from giving my kids a traumatic childhood. Lol. Thanks!
Hi Calley, thank you for this article. I have a 5 year old son in kindergarten that has random outbursts when he is told not to do something. Today, for instance, he was told he could not take part in computer lab time and apparently he lost it! Crying, Screaming, other classrooms were closing their doors because he was so loud. This needs to stop, poor kid, but my wife and I have no clue how to start helping him put things in perspective like you mention. There are deeper issues at play here and I am looking for some guidance in how to approach this situation. I know the article was written a few years ago and you may not even see this, but it feels good to type it out. 🙂 Thank you!
Hi Sumitha,
I appreciate all your free mini-series on Positive Parenting. I have read all of them and wow, they are awesome! Having grown up in an environment of yelling and spanking and my husband that of shaming, these have been happening in our own family. However, every time any of the above happened by myself or my husband, i would be left with regret. For long, I have wanted to get out of this web and I was trying out with patience on Ignoring bad behavior and lecturing. Some how I was making headway but it was not enough. Having read these articles, am going to begin visualizing the aftermath, put things in perspective. offer choices and use positive wording to stop the challenging behavior. Of course consistency has to be maintained. In part 5, am to stop harping on failures, do more listening and less judgement as i have learnt, to distinguish between behavior and human value. I need more on emotional intelligence because this has dwelt more on the young children yet am dealing with teenagers. Am also dealing with children in a school environment and i would wish to get more articles to share with the parents and to boost my career. Your positive reply via my email will be greatly appreciated. Thank you once again.
Gladys.
As I am facing difficult moments lately with my oldest (5 y old daughter), this article came across at the perfect moment. Positive Parenting is our main goal every step of the way, but sometimes I do have reactions I later feel bad about. We all have our ups and downs.
It’s comforting and helpful to read about these methods all over again.
Thank you!