Ever tried to keep yourself from yelling at kids when you’re really, really mad?
Having good intention is one thing, reality is quite another.
You can think all you want that the next time your kids provoke you, you will not react angrily no matter how mad you are. But seriously, when you are really mad, can you even think straight, let alone control your reaction?
The devil is in the details.
Unless you have a solid plan of action under your sleeve, you will probably just end up yelling at your kids, feeling guilty, possibly apologizing and then repeating the whole behavior all over again.
If anything, that just erodes your connection with your kids further. That’s certainly not what we are going after here.
If you really want to give your good intentions a fighting chance of success and ensure that you will indeed not yell at your kids no matter how mad you are, you need to act now.
Assuming you are not angry at the moment, now is the time to decide how you will respond at a later time when you are angry. Making a list of possible responses and then reaching out to your pre-committed choices when you are angry substantially increases your chances of success. There is a whole body of research to support this.
Research consistently shows that the more in advance you make a decision — irrespective of whether it is about your money, exercise or even which movie to watch — the more likely you are to make better choices. The closer you are to the decision point, the more short-sighted your decision gets with spot decisions made under pressure being some of your worst ones. Additionally, if you make a choice and commit to it, and when a situation arises, you completely bypass your brain and reach out to a pre-committed choice, you can avoid the detrimental outcomes of short-sighted decisions.
It is a deceptively simple technique and this week, let’s put that to test to ensure that no matter how angry or frustrated we are, we will not yell at our kids. What we’ll do is, we’ll take some time today to just think of what to do instead of yelling at kids when we get angry and mentally commit to pull out one of these responses when we do get angry.
I’ll get the ball rolling with the list of 8 things I rely on to get me through a rough patch without yelling at my daughter. Here we go!
1. Get out of the situation
If I am at home, I will ask my husband if he can take over and I just walk out of the room for a few minutes. Yes, that means I literally dump the situation on him. From past experience, I’ve noticed that most often since he was not in the middle of it when the storm brewed, he is in a much better situation to handle it without yelling and I get a break to cool off.
Of course, this works vice versa too. When I notice that my husband is starting to lose it, I’ll step in and scoop up, so he can step out.
As for my daughter, just the change of scene, where one parent steps out and the other steps in, seems to help a lot to diffuse the situation.
2. Let my daughter know that I’m angry
Again, from past experience I know this one works. Instead of just snapping, I take a deep breath and tell her “Mommy is getting really mad now, Sweetie”.
Sometimes, she will stop the offending behavior, but more often than not, she counters back with “I am mad too” or “No, you CANNOT be mad” (She is 5 years old and that is a valid argument in her book).
Either way, a channel of communication is established.
After that I just walk away and let her be for a few minutes to calm herself down. And I take my time to calm myself down.
Or I hold her in my lap and say, “Let’s both be very quiet for a few minutes until we calm down”.
I got this last step from the book Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. I felt really hokey the first time I tried it — I mean, I was hopping mad, and she was bawling at the top of her lungs! But then, quite unexpectedly, my daughter visibly calmed down, and when I was setting her down from my lap she said, “I want to hug some more, mama”.
So, we just sat there for some more time, in a sappy scene I wouldn’t have imagined possible just a few minutes before, her sniffling and me trying to calm down, rocking each other. And then she declared “I’m done now” and hopped off and started playing as though nothing ever happened.
Ah, to be 5 and be able to forgive and forget so easily! 🙂
3. Set a time limit to end the hostilities
The scariest thing about getting mad is that there is no clear boundary to when things will settle back to normal again. I’ve found that intentionally setting that boundary helps a lot to get the situation under control.
I remember, once when I started getting mad, I hissed out, “I am very mad now, so I am going to go wash the dishes and try to calm down. When I am done with the dishes, I will be done being mad”.
My daughter pitifully cried “I don’t want you to be mad at me, mama” and I said as calmly as I could “I am not mad at you. I still love you. But you have not finished eating yet and it’s getting very late. I am tired and feeling crabby (a term she understands). I need some time to calm down. And you need to finish eating. I will be over here washing dishes.”
She started whining at first and when she got nothing out of me, suddenly (and very surprisingly!) there was silence on her end. All I could hear was the sound of spoon on the plate and a declaration a few minutes later that she was done.
I rinsed and dried my hands, walked over to her, inspected her plate and gave her a big smile. And she gave me a big hug to make me feel better. All was well with the world again.
One more dinnertime explosion avoided. And one more trick in my parenting toolkit that works!
4. Put things in perspective
Sometimes all I need to do to diffuse myself is to put things in perspective.
If it is 
the morning and she wants to play instead of getting ready, and it’s really late and driving me nuts, all I have to do is think back to a time long, long ago – same situation, different child. I suspect I wouldn’t have wanted to stop playing either.
Kids are kids. They want to play. That’s that. No point yelling at them about it, right?
Sigh. Take a deep breath. Think of an alternate plan to get her to do what I want her to do.
5. Start counting
I don’t think this one will exactly fit in the “positive parenting” paradigm since it uses threats and fear of punishment and bribes. But I will put it out there since this works for me.
So, basically, instead of yelling at her, I tell her in as much of a calm voice as I can muster up – “I am going to count to 5. If you don’t start picking up the toys, they all go into toy jail.”
And then I start counting. 1… 2….3….4…. Generally, by the time I get to 3 and my voice starts to rise she starts picking up. I will start helping her out as I continue counting, adjusting the pace of counting so we can finish up cleaning by the time I get to 5.
I have no idea why this works, but it does work really, really well to the point that a lot of the time I just say, “You need to do <something> before I count to 5” and I just start counting. I don’t even have to mention the consequences/punishment.
I had picked this tip from a colleague, and I remember her saying “One of these days she is going to call my bluff and let me finish counting. I have no idea what I will do then.” So, when you do say you’re going to put the toys in a place where your child can’t play with them (i.e., toy jail), it’s a consequence that’s reasonable and you can follow through without bribes or threats that you can’t follow through on!
6. Turn it into a fictional story
My daughter loves stories. And ever since she was born, I have honed my storytelling skills to the point that I can turn any situation into a story (can you tell how proud I am of the fact?).
Last time we went to India, there was a little servant boy called “Heera” who had left a strong impression on my daughter. For almost a whole year after we got back, I have told her “Heera Boy” stories to diffuse all kinds of situations.
For instance, when she wouldn’t want to go down for a nap, instead of arguing/pleading/yelling, I would start out with “Do you know what happened when Heera boy did not take a nap?” Before the story was done, she would be in bed with eyes starting to slowly close shut.
I have summoned Heera boy to get her to drink her milk, get dressed, brush teeth, take medicine and so many other things!
The stories all have the same structure – Heera boy did (or did not) want to do something. This would result in some very terrible consequences. Then either his grandma or his fairy godmother would come and tell him what he should do to avoid the consequences. And then he changed his ways. And everything was well with the world, and he lived happily ever after 🙂
A good thing about trying to make up a story is that my brain is too busy thinking what I should say next, and hers is too busy imagining it, and neither of us has room in our brains to yell/rebel anymore.
7. Use humor
Frankly, this doesn’t come naturally to me, especially when I am mad. But when I do manage to pull it off, the results are quite awesome.
Instead of getting mad at her, I turn it into a fun game. “You want to eat M&Ms before dinner? Before dinner? That makes me so mad…so mad that I’m going to eat you up”. And I start chasing her around the house.
Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. But the times that it works, we have both run around all over the house and are tired and giggling and the rebellious moment is most often forgotten.
8. Visualize the aftermath
Finally, here is one for those days when I am just not in a good place. All of us have those nasty days where things start going downhill from the moment we wake up and keeps going downhill all day long until we reach a point where we almost wait for a chance to start yelling at kids. Or the husband. Or the dog.
You know what I’m talking about?
This last one is my final attempt to hold myself together on such days.
One thing about not starting out being a patient mom (unfortunately) is that I’ve been there, done that. I know the dark places you can go to when you don’t get a hold of yourself.
I am all too familiar with the sick feeling you get at the bottom of your stomach when you drive all the way to the daycare without a word and leave your child among strangers without so much as a smile on your face. Or the nasty taste in your mouth when your child finally falls asleep because she’s cried so much there isn’t much energy left in her to do anything else. Or the real panic in her eyes when she senses that you really are over the edge, and this could potentially be the time that you really lock her in that closet.
Those are not my proudest moments, and I would never want to go back there. So, when I sense that I really am getting out of control, I grab hold of one of those images and keep telling myself over and over, “don’t go there”.
In a very negative way, it works.
Maybe it’s the tears stinging the back of my eyes. Or the shame that numbs my anger… whatever it is, I manage to not let loose.
You’ve got to do what you’ve got to do, right?
So, there you have it – the good, the bad and the ugly of how I try to control my reaction when I am too angry to think straight. Now it is your turn. What can you do to keep yourself from yelling at kids when you are hopping mad?
The 2-Minute Action Plan for Fine Parents
Take a quick inventory of your toolkit – do you have a quick-access list of what to do instead of yelling at kids?
Think of the last time you got mad and lost it – what could you have done differently?
Like I mentioned before, there is huge amount of scientific evidence that shows that making decisions ahead of time, and reaching out to your pre-committed resolutions during critical moments significantly improves your chances of preventing the detrimental outcome of a short-sighted response.
As always, I urge you to write it down — feel free to use the comments section below. Whether your tricks are similar to the ones I listed or completely different, riffing off of each other will help both of us (and all the other readers) figure out ways to be better parents. Putting things out in the open (especially in the written form) can be incredible for your accountability and pre-commitment. You spent so much time reading this long article so you can really get some benefits out of it for your own family, didn’t you?
The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents
Hustle all you can this week to beef up your toolkit with tricks you can pull out when you get mad. That is all we will focus on this week: finding tricks to rely on when you are too mad to think straight and putting them into action in our dealings with kids to figure out which work, and for which specific circumstances. Before you know it, you will be a cool cucumber who can keep yourself from yelling at kids no matter what the situation/provocation is.
Isn’t that awesome?
Really enjoying your blog and getting a lot from it! One of the ones I use when things are really out of hand (my 6yo child has some real defiance and emotional dysregulation issues which manifest in towering fits of utter rage from time to time) is I simply announce “right, I’ve had enough, I am going to bed” – and I go and lie down (which is bliss really!) and I do not get up again until she has stopped (or at least paused) the screaming. If she comes into my room to scream at me I say ‘that horrible noise is not allowed in here’. works very well. and bonus is I get to lie down for a few minutes, and as a working sole parent that is a win-win.
@Willow: LOL 🙂 That’s incredible! I can’t believe that works!!!! Thanks so much for sharing…
I’ve got to try it out. What parent can say no to a “discipline technique” that doesn’t hurt the child in anyway but lets you lie down to cool off!
P.S.: I’m loving this blog too…. learning something new each day from smart and witty readers like you 😉
Great blog Sumitha, it’s really nice that your sharing your worst darkest moments as we have all been there and can relate to these, I just started this mini course I’m already finding myself thinking how to approach the situation differently, i have 3 year old daughter she is an only child very used to her own ways very stubborn, but I’m trying very hard to be the best parent I can be by controlling myself and not lose it , your blog is helping me so thank you for sharing and taking time out to help others In need
God bless you
That works for me too! My son says no no mommy don’t go to bed!
Hello! I have a similar tactic, but it’s the child I send to his room. He has to stay there until he’s done yelling. It’s up to him how long that will be. He can’t come out until he’s settled down, whether its 5 minutes or 25 minutes. I do have a minimum of 5 minutes for a 5 year old, etc. (This also works for teens, they can’t come out until they can talk in a civil tone of voice.) Sometimes, hell end up playing with his toys, and calming down on his own that way. Plus, Mom gets a few minutes of quiet herself!
Thank you for listing out your eight – having actual examples instead of just pithy comments of things we all ready know but are having a very hard time implementing. I like #8 and I applaud your courage to write that for all of us to see. I appreciate this yelling series. Hang in there! 🙂
Thanks for the encouragement, Jen. It helps me to write stuff out… I find it both cathartic and a great way to sort things out. 🙂
Really…If were imagine the aftermath we can cool down. After my second child was born, I used be tired with additional work, balancing home, office and now two kids. Once i scolded my elder child so badly for a comparatively not so naughty behavior, I feel guilty till this day. That day I sat down with her in my lap and shared my feelings with her. I told her mamma has to work all day and she gets stressed. If I shout at you please remind me that “we will talk after 10 minutes”. I involved her in my efforts to increase my patience. Now she senses when my patience is about to end. If possible she stops her irritating behavior or else she reminds me that ” mamma doesn’t like to scold me, its just her stress.We both love each other”. And then we hug n kiss and try to find an amicable solution.
OMG, that’s so precious. You’ve got such a fantastic, perceptive daughter, Pallavi! And what a great job you are doing by involving her in solving the issues from such an early age. Wish you the very best with both your kids going forward. Thank you for sharing this wonderful experience with us!
it was a wonderful article and I had been a mom who always yelled when nothing worked. but now I have found ways to handle my 5-yr old daughter. thanx
Thanks, Humaira. Congratulations on finding ways to handle your daughter without yelling! When you have some extra time on your hands, please do share some of your tips with us.
Thanks for the wonderful article…… Very useful for parents….
Not a problem, Teena. Glad you liked it 🙂
This is a awesome write up. It felt as if I’m reading my own thoughts put in better words..
However in my case.. No. 1 will not work. Tried that and failed terribly. I won’t go there again.
No. 3 .. I’ve never tried and I’ll definitely give it a shot.
Rest all ways.. I’ve tried and some work and some won’t when you have 2 kids (5 & 3.5 yr old) trying to push the limits at the same time.. It becomes more difficult and tough to handle.
In addition to what you said, here is another one that works for me.. (similar to your No. 2)
Chant a mantra aloud: “I’m happy. I’m good” (in my case…) My kids learned this from their yoga class at school. It really helps me gather myself and also reduces the intensity of the situation. They understand that I’m really really mad and I’m trying my best not to yell at them.
I need to come up with more ways to handle two kids without yelling.
Thanks again for sharing this.
@Mythri, Thanks! Yeah, different things work for different people…. Thanks for sharing the tip about chanting a mantra aloud that you kids identify with! I haven’t tried that…. I’ll watch my daughter’s vocabulary to find something that might work for us and check it out. I might even be able to grab something from the cartoon shows that she watches…. good tip!
I remind myself ‘it’s not an emergency’ because 99.9% of the time it’s not. Got that from Peaceful Parent, Happy Child as well
@Sonya, Thanks for the reminder! It’s something I’ve been trying lately too… didn’t remember it when I was putting the list together. Reminding myself that it’s not really an emergency works amazingly well to diffuse my anger!
I love this post! The one thing I’d add as a tool is that you could also model taking a “good time out” or other emotional skills, for example, when you’re “letting her know you’re angry” you could say, “I’m feeling angry right now so I’m going to take a break until I calm down. Then we can finish this discussion.” or “I feel angry so I am going to count to ten.” That way your self discipline becomes part of teaching your child the same skill.
Come to think of it, a lot of the tools you’re describing would be excellent to teach your kids as you go (considering that aftermath is a good one to work on with your 5 year old). Fantastic piece. I hope you don’t mind if I share it all over the place.
Thanks for such an enthusiastic response, Krystie! You just made my day 🙂
“Your self discipline becomes part of teaching your child the same skill” — That’s a great insight! I’ve been trying to teach my daughter to just clench her fist tight and let go (ie, “throw away” her anger) when she feels the urge to lash out, but without limited success. Maybe if *I* get into the habit first and she sees me doing it, it will be easier for her to remember? (We started with that habit because when we spent time with her cousins last holidays, if she and her cousin had a disagreement, she would get very frustrated and start hitting… and for whatever reason this was what my sister and I ended up teaching her to do instead of hitting… and it seemed to help…).
This is a brilliant suggestion! Maybe we can teach our children to be better parents right out of the gate…
Gosh, won’t that be great — to just know how to be a great parent right out of the gate, instead of trying to figure it out through painful trial and error! Sigh! 🙂
Loved these tips! Thanks so much for the ideas. Just a thought about #5. With my own son I don’t threaten to throw his toys in the trash but I do explain that picking up his toys is his responsibility. I also tell him that if he decides he’s not ready for so much responsibility then I’ll be glad to move the toys he’s unwilling to clean up somewhere else where he won’t need to worry about them. I’ll set a timer and when it goes off I’ll come in with a box and say. “It looks like you’re not really ready to take responsibility for these cars here. I’m going to go ahead and pack them up in this box unless you want to prove right now that you really can handle it.” Usually at that point he scrambles to put them away but if he doesn’t then I pack them into the box and they go on top of our fridge. I tell him to come to me whenever he decides he’s ready to take responsibility for them (generally the next morning) so I simply give him the box and let him go put them away.
Anyway, I just thought I’d throw this out there as I feel like it fits a bit more into positive parenting. Ultimately I will put his toys up if he won’t clean them but I see it as more enforcing a limit than a threat. Also instead of permanently throwing them away I simply put them up and I don’t have a mandatory waiting period. If he comes to me 5 minutes later and commits to putting them away then I hand over the toys. I’ve found this still is pretty effective and I don’t have to worry about my kids calling my bluff.
@Angela, Thank you so very much for sharing this! I’ve been thinking about this on and off for a long time without a very clear idea of how to handle it. And, yesterday when Dr. Laura posted about it on her page, and discussion that ensued there, I spent even more time thinking about it. The solution you have figured out, and shared here so kindly, seems like a perfect answer to all that musing and wondering!!!
I love how it lets me use a trick that works so well in our house, while at the same time converting it into a more “positive discipline” approach that not only gets the job done, but teaches the importance of taking responsibility! It seems so simple now that you’ve laid it out so clearly, that I’m kicking myself for not having thought of it in the first place 😉 But hey, that’s what this blog is for – to share and learn from each other 🙂 Thanks again – will give it a shot on the first opportunity that shows up (not just the toy cleanup example!)
I also like this. I have a 13 year old daughter whose clothes I usually find all over her floor, despite my attempt at assisting her being organized by doing her laundry and folding it. All she needs to do is put it away. (she has trouble with starting/finishing things, keeping on track) I often find her clothes strewn all over the floor. I have also told her I will take the clothes away that are still on the floor in a given amount of time, as it seems it’s too much for her. I have gathered them up in a bag and they sit in my closet. I have given the bag back when she says she will put them away. More times than not though, I find the clothes strewn on her floor again. She just wanted to retrieve an item or two from the bag. It hasn’t connected for her that if she puts them away, then she can have the clothes back. Not sure what to do from here? There seems to be a broken communication here somewhere. Help anyone?
Tamara, I’ve been trying Angela’s suggestion and it is working beautifully for us!
We use it with toys, but I’m sure you can try it with clothes. In our case, just like you, I put toys that are not handled properly (a general term for toys that are not cleaned up, not used safely, not shared with guests etc.) into a quarantine room. But the difference is, to avoid the drama of her promising to handle them better and me having to decide whether to trust her or not, all toys that go into quarantine stay there till the end of the month (no matter when it got there). On the 1st of each month, she gets back all quarantined toys with the agreement that if the same toy lands in quarantine more than once, we will give it away to kids who have no toys. We’ve not had to do that yet, but both she and I know that if push comes to shove, we will have to follow through.
Try it. And if it works, do let us know! It is so exciting to see how we can positively respond instead of knee-jerk yelling which is totally ineffective in getting any long term change!
Sumitha, thank you for the post along with other wonderful ideas and tips. Your tip helps me think of a new tip that I’ll try both later today. If my six year old daughter doesn’t clean up her play things. I’ll explain to her and, if she doesn’t clean up, put all toys in a bag till the end of this mid-month or month (2 week period). At the end of 2-week period, she can take the toys back and put them in place whatever she can, leaving the remains. Another bag if not put away or cleaned up. Another bag. At the end of every 2-week period, she can take back. If the things remained in the bag for third 2-week period, then they are either thrown away into garbage or donated. Same for clothes. Talking about un-cluttering too!
My daughter is 8 and we are starting to have that problem. She is a creative type and very much like me. I remember very clearly being a teen and my room literally looked like a bomb had gone off in it. My mother tried the black bag and threw all of my clothes out onto the drive, but that just further distanced us. All I felt like at the time was an alien. I had hormones raging no clear thought pattern and my mother constantly on my back for something that didn’t matter to me at the time. She later gave up completely after yet another argument and told me I had to wash my own clothes and was left with my messy bedroom. This I happily did. The thing is I knew where everything was in that room and could put my hand on whatever I needed immediately. It was a physical representation of what was happening in my head. As I got older and my mind settled so did the mess in my room. I was working to my own time scale and this was calmer than trying to mold myself to someone else’s needs of a tidy room. When I did move out I took pride in my house as I had not developed a negative thought pattern to cleaning up my things as I had been alowed to live in my mess until it was no longer acceptable for me. Which is more important? A clean room or a contented child with her own space where she feels safe. I’m not saying this will work for everyone but just that maybe (especially with teens) you should try and see it from their perspective. Have a chat with her ask her how she feels about her room is it a safe place for her, What is important to her? What does she need from you? Come to a compromise about what you are both happy to do. By working together you can try and guide her but also connect as she will feel supported rather than got at. Even though it is not your intention to get at her, trust me that is how she will see it.
Thank you for this comment! Isn’t is amazing how often we forget what it was like to be a teenager? Their brains are doing so much work but it feels like a tangled mess and I loved your statement that the room reflected your mental state. Of course it really doesn’t help if the teen is neuroatypical, struggling with depression, etc. I remember as a child, my dad threatening to burn my toys if I didn’t pick them up…it might have worked but it was also traumatizing to this day. I think he really would have. One time my sister didn’t pick up the toys in her room, so he threw them all away, and one of my toys (valuable sentimentally and monetarily) had happened to be on her floor. All this to say that this tactic, if not done with great care and plenty of warning, could be very distancing and make a child feel less safe in what they perceive as “their own space”
My mom would take our toys that we refused to pick up and make us “buy” them back by doing chores that was age appropriate to earn the money to buy them back.
@Corinne, Thanks! That’s another option to consider. I think my daughter might be a little too young to understand the buy-back system? (She is 5)… Then again maybe not….
@Angela, I tried a slight variation of your trick yesterday and it worked beautifully 🙂 I’d got a new jacket for my daughter, but it isn’t “pink” so she started complaining and whining and generally displaying the entitled, ungrateful behavior (as I think of it) that really pushes my buttons. Instead of getting agitated and frustrated, or trying to bribe and plead with her, I said, “Hmmm… I love this new jacket, I wish it were my size. *animated sigh* Anyway, if you don’t want to wear it, that’s fine, I’ll put it away until next winter… you can continue to wear your old jackets this year… they are a little short for you and some of them look a like they are your “baby clothes”, but I’m sure we can manage…” Before I had could complete, she had taken the jacket from me and stuffed it in her closet 🙂 I guess the matter of fact tone did the trick. Kind of reverse psychology with a positive twist, I guess. Sounds very simple, I just need to remember to resort to it, instead of getting all riled up and screaming, yelling, bribing or threatening!
This may not be the best thing but when I’m trying super hard not to yell and feel like I’m going to lose it anyway, I’ll jump up and down, shake it out, make a crazy squeal sound just to let out that burst of anger. I don’t direct it at my girls, but they can definitely tell I’m trying not to yell. my three year old will say, ” mommy you’re frustrated?” Just having my own little tantrum makes me feel better, but that’s why I say it may not be the best thing. But I figure at least I’m not lashing out at them. One thing I’ve found that does help us a lot when we’re yelling at each other or I’m trying really hard not to be angry is I’ll hurry and pull my phone out and turn on my Pandora app. I’ll play silly kid songs if I can handle it or songs I like with a good beat. I start dancing like a crazy person and the girls soon do the same. Sudden dance parties are probably my favorite thing and often last for quite awhile because everyone has such a good time. Thanks for your post, I’m going to write my own list and post it on the fridge today!
@Andrea, you made me smile 🙂 The “sudden dance party” sounds like so much fun! What a great way to burn up all the pent up anger and ill-feelings and turn it into a great time. It would never work in our house though 🙂 We are all so similar (in the kind of issues we face) and yet so different (in how we deal with it), right? Thanks so much for sharing!
Hello, Hope all is good at your end. I joined your page today and I am glad I did. Not only it has already started to help me improve myself as a parent and as a person, I have also found a guidance I was looking for. Thank you for doing what you are doing. I have two children and I am expecting my third one. My son is 3.8 years old and my daughter is 2.6 years old. My son loves stories and with him I do use this tactic but my daughter is a stubborn one. Nothing works with her except I guess love or anger, and yes you are right whenever I get mad at them I feel horrible deep down inside. But its just too hard to control. They would fight, hit one another , not listen, would just throw a fit and there would be a complete chaos and that is the time when I literally loose it. But after reading the suggestions and alternate options I will definitely try and work on controlling my anger.
Once again thank you very much.
God bless you.
Sahar, It is very kind of you to take the time out of what must be a busy day to share your story, and provide me the encouragement. Thank you!
Hang in there. The fact that you are aware that you sometimes lose it is enough to make it happen lesser and lesser until one find day you will look back and not believe how far you’ve come. I keep telling myself, it’s OK to fail, but its never OK to quit. Let’s keep at this and try to be the best parents we can be!
This is all so hopeful to me, especially this comment string and all the suggestions in your post. I am a mom of 3, 11 yrs 9 yrs and 3 yrs. It is a challenge to parent the age spread for me sometimes, because the logic of the older kids and young one are so different. What worked for my older kids in terms of parenting and discipline techniques like love and logic doesn’t work with my extremely determined 3 yr old. I do have good moments navigating this, but I yell on occasion when it feels out of control to me. I then go through exactly what you describe with shame and guilt and apologies. I hate that cycle. After all my dropoffs this morning, after a yelling moment, I feel sad and low. Your comments and post give me hope and encouragement. Thank you.
Glad you found the article and the comments helpful, Nicole. I think the biggest takeaway for me also is that at the end of the day, all of us deal with similar issues and we’re not alone… and by hanging in there we can turn the ship around. Good luck to you with your kiddos!
I read a really good idea on another blog somewhere where a mom created jars for each one of her kids and she would try to focus on the positive things her kids was doing and point them out, and they would earn marbles. I am going by memory of what I read awhile ago, so I apologize if I have it wrong, but this is the general idea below.
She would try to give out like ten marbles a day. After so many marbles they could trade them in for something. Some examples could be after five marbles they could turn them in to get a story read at bedtime. After twenty marbles they could turn them in to play a board game of their choice with mom and dad, etc. Some rewards could even be small toys, a trip to McDonalds, etc. but you don’t have to have any type of money reward system, and they can be age appropriate for each child. Some examples of giving out marbles could include: “Daniel you did such a nice job, taking care of your dirty dishes after diner, I’m giving you a marble in your jar.” Or “You did such a good job, you came home from school, started your homework without mommy having to tell you, and I didn’t have to fight with you today to do your homework, I’m so proud! You earn three marbles!” Or “If you all keep quite while mommy finishes up her work, you will earn five marbles in your jar.” Pretty soon this woman noticed her kids where behaving a lot better, and also encouraging each other so they could earn their rewards. Such as she heard, “Shhh, be quiet, or else mommy won’t give us our marbles!” However, you should never take any marbles away for bad behavior, they just wouldn’t earn any marbles. The idea is to encourage good behavior, and not to discourage them from trying to earn the reward.
Thanks for sharing that story, @Corinne! I worry about that approach a little though… I’m worried it might lead to raising “reward junkies”. Here is an article that I came across that shows how excessive rewards can actually have some detrimental effects… I think you might like the article.
http://www.stanford.edu/dept/bingschool/cgi-bin/bt/sep2003/mark-lepper-intrinsic-motivation-extrinsic-motivation-and-the-process-of-learning/
For instance in your example above, I want my daughter to clean up the dirty dishes because that’s what you do after dinner, and not because she will get a marble for it. Also, if we are the ones deciding how many marbles they get for each action, then we are kind of manipulating our position of power, no?
That said, we do use reward charts in our house, particularly when we are trying to establish new habits. My daughter has her “personal fairy” (long story, will write about it some day :)) who brings her these “projects” to work on. It’s basically a reward chart, with grids and every time she finishes a task she adds a sticker in that column. Once she fills her chart up (5-6 simple tasks — like get ready in the morning before daddy — repeated 5-10 times) her fairy brings her a special gift. Her fairy left her a note once saying that this is just between them and mom and dad are not involved…. so if I do try to manipulate it, she’ll remind me not to. Not entirely sure if it is a good idea…. would love to hear the smart take from some of you readers 🙂
Why must we continue to lord over our children in order to get them to do what we want? Specifically I am referring to the counting threat, which is so pervasive in mainstream parenting. It’s totally arbitrary, punitive, and just plain mean. Are you REALLY going to throw out her toys if she does not do what you say? Consider how you’d feel if your husband threatened you in the same manner. And what happens when you have to make good on the threat and don’t? Now you have a different, more difficult problem.
I believe part of the difficulties we experience as parents stem from treating our children as subordinates. They’re not. They’re human beings and deserve the same respect as any other human being. Why can’t we treat them how we would like to be treated?
I’m a work in progress, Mark…. as I suspect a lot of the readers of this article will be. Change happens over time, and counting is a carry-over from the previous style of parenting while in the transition phase. It’s not like any of us scream at our kids, or issue threats to be mean to them….
That said, good point about treating our kids the way we would like to be treated. Dare I suggest treating other parents (who are all trying to be the best they can be in their own way, and at their own pace) the way we would like to be treated as well? 🙂
I just found your site myself and can’t thank you enough for sharing (and making yourself so vulnerable). With 3 little ones, I often find myself completely exhausted, cranky and overwhelmed. Without sleep and down time, the temptation to yell, snap at or just not be the parent I want to be is overwhelming. Giving myself a reminder by reading sites like yours is often boost enough to keep the little irritants in check, and therefore myself.
And as for Mark’s comment about “would you really throw their toys out?” Honestly, I don’t use this as an idle threat. There are only one or 2 places in the house that they are not allowed to play. I give them a warning; if the toys are still there, YES, I pick them up, put them in a bag and they are donated or tossed depending on their condition. It’s rare because they’ve learned Mommy means what she says. It’s not about being mean, but teaching natural consequences. If you leave your toys, backback, bicycle unattended or unsecure out in the world, someone WILL take it. When you grow up, if you leave your wallet, your car, your credit card unattended or not secured, someone could steal it. Better lesson learned with a 50 cent toy than have your identity stolen because your parents didn’t care enough to teach you to take care of your things and put things away. I have several college friends that learned these lessons the hard way.
I’m still learning lessons about parenting that my parents didn’t teach me. Thank you for giving me a safe place to learn.
So tell us what your approach is, Mark. Just criticizing doesn’t help. If you have a better way to deal with them, let us know.
I actually used “counting” really effectively with my kids (they are 17 and 20 now, so I don’t need to use it anymore with them, and I’m still trying to figure out how to use it more effectively with my foster daughter whose psyche is just not the same…)– It didn’t feel disrespectful, it felt like it was giving the kid a bit of time to think through and decide what consequences they wanted to take on for their behavior. My “counting” had consequences — for every number, they got a job. I explained that this was my “payment” for their mis-behavior. If I had to patiently endure their mis-behavior, then they also should need to help me with things. And the longer they mis-behaved, the longer they should have to help me.
Each of my kids, when they were about 4 (which is probably about as early as a kid can understand the idea of payment, so is about as early as this will work), decided to defiantly let me count to 100 or beyond. But eventually they got tired of me just sitting there looking at them and counting aloud, and so they stopped mis-behaving or did what I had asked them to do. But then they had 100 “jobs” to do before something else would happen, like being able to watch TV. So then over the next day or two we’d be counting their jobs (e.g., clean the sink, wipe off the counter, dust the TV, sweep the floor, etc.). I actually usually had to re-do their jobs ;o) but it provided positive bonding teamwork time, where they learned skills. This taught them that I really meant it when I was counting, and that I really was going to follow through if they didn’t turn their behavior around.
After the 100+ jobs, the kids didn’t let me count very high before turning their behavior around, and I also didn’t need to “follow through” every time. Basically, my counting then meant that I was thinking about ways they could “pay me back” and if they turned their behavior around, I might not think of anything. (So really, usually, if they changed their behavior by the count of 5, I often didn’t bother having them do jobs at all). Sometimes they’d ask me: “What will I have to do for the counting?” and I’d say: “I’m still deciding, but I’m sure I will think of something.” (And then I’d continue counting).
My children also asked me about my inconsistency once: “How come you only sometimes make us do jobs for the counting?” And I said, “Remember that the jobs are to pay *me* back. I don’t *have* to have you pay me back, and if you change quickly, I might not even want to be paid back, because its actually sometimes a lot of work to supervise your jobs. But I *get* to have you pay me back if I need some help with something.” It’s true, if I needed some help with something, sometimes even when I’d only counted to 3, I’d still have them help me with whatever it was I needed. It was my choice.
My 20-year old doesn’t look back on this as though it was disrespectful. (I heard her describe it recently to someone, and she seemed proud.) I think it is actually a pretty respectful way to let your child know that their behavior is out of line, and that they have time to change it (but not too much time ;o)). It is much more respectful than yelling. And I hope the way I used it, that it helped the kids learn that their (disrespectful) mis-behavior has consequences — but ‘fixable’ ones.
And I think it’s developmentally appropriate. I don’t offer my husband or adult children M&Ms for good behavior either — but that doesn’t mean a small child might find that a respectful way to encourage them!
Loved your article! I’m a social psychologist and love to see people applying social psych stuff like this!
Wow, that is a complex system, Lisa! I can see how it can be very effective.
It’s been a couple years since I wrote this article and things have changed a fair amount over the years, but the one thing I have realized during that time is this… it is not about one “technique” or the other…. it’s the attitude. I used to be very much against spanking, but now I know a mom who uses it. I’ve known her for a while and I think she treats her kids with more respect, offering more independence and guidance than others who don’t use spanking. So, do I support now spanking? No! But, do I think this mom is doing wrong… I don’t know. I do know that with spanking out of the equation she is doing a fantastic job raising her kids. Her kids’ emotional intelligence, their self-esteem, their confidence and simply the way they carry themselves is a joy to watch!
So it’s not about what you do, I guess, but why and how you do it, I guess. Which you have so well explained here!!! Thank you!
Hi Sumitha…I am new to your site and really am intrigued with the tips and comments. My mother raised us in a very strict way and yes we were spanked and yes I did kind of hate her at that time. But the fact is I turned out swell and today I respect her ways of raising a good citizen. No one teaches us how to raise our kids and there is no right or wrong and yes every kid is different in my opinion so go with what your heart says and ‘KNOW’ what works best for your kid…if its spanking then I would say use it…if its counting then use it….would you rather have a great relationship with your kid or raise a good citizen or find a balance in between?
i, too, applaud your courage to write this so honestly. i am a stay at home dad of a 2.5 year old boy. today he threw his first tantrum, balling up fists, expressing rage. well, mama dealt with this one very adroitly but now that he is communicating more and testing boundaries these tips will come in very handy. thank you so much!!
Thanks, James! Good luck in your adventures in parenting 🙂
Now can you make a list titled “How to Ensure that You Will Not Yell at Your HUSBAND Even When You are Hopping Mad”
My 3 year old daughter is not a problem for me it’s my wonderful hubby who drives me insane! ;o)
@Nancy, LOL… I’ll not even consider venturing into that arena…. 😉
This is my first visit to your site and I can’t recall where I clicked from, but I’m pleased to have found you. Your post is well written and I like how you use yourself as an example. I have used a few of those tips you’ve used in the past, but eventually I still yell. It’s not so much control or preparing myself, it’s my medical challenges that make these type of reactions overly difficult for me to maintain. Chronic illnesses + anxiety & depression = UGH.
I don’t have the (I wanna say luxury, but I guess that isn’t nice) to have someone walk in or tag team with so I take a nap, lock myself in my room or just put myself in timeout. (I’ve raised one daughter who’s 22 now and I am now a single parent again to three younger ones ages 10, almost 9 and 6.) I often have given the “mommy is getting angry or feeling anxious or I’m over stimulated – what I probably need to stop saying is “y’all are getting on my nerves.” Especially since it’s normally the girls and not my son. I have slowly begun to tell the children more about my health and reasons for my building up to the yell (what I call going off) and I hope that my calm moments or when I try hard or walk away are making a bigger impression than my oh-too-loud voice.
I’m interested to look around your site to see what other anti-yell techniques you recommend. Hopefully, there is something my addled brain will remember and something else to fit my (our!) situation. Thanks for being “here.”
Sorry to hear about the medical issues, Petula! And thanks for sharing. I think the fact that you are trying not to yell in spite of the challenges you face, and that you are reading articles like this one show that you are making a concerted effort. Never give up… I know how tough that is, but the results will be well worth it! I wish you all the very best!
Where was this blog 8 years ago! My kids are now 13 and 9. I have yelled my way (lovingly of course;) it all. My number one goal has always been to stop yelling, often it is the only thing that works. Will you be writing for us with the teens and Tweens, or can you recommend some resources?
Thanks for this wonderful site!
@Laurie, Thank you for your kind words!
One of the primary goals of this site is to keep it grounded and I want to do that by trying every experiment that I talk about on the site in my own home. Consequently, since I only have a 5 year old, the examples I write about will probably be more relatable to parents with little kids. The concepts should potentially be applicable to all parents though (for instance, starting tomorrow we will explore how parents can be a positive influence in their children’s lives — I think that can be of interest to almost all parents). If there are parents of older kids (tweens and teens, or even young adults for that matter!) who can share their stories and experiences, I would love to feature their articles. Any other suggestions on how to make this site resonate with parents of older kids?
As for resources, the one I can think of off the top of my head is http://www.ahaparenting.com/ by Dr. Laura Markham — highly recommended! Dr. Laura’s book “Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids” is very good too. Another book I would highly recommend is the classic “How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk” by Faber & Mazlish.
I’m so impressed with your blog! I particularly like your “Heera Boy” story idea. My daughter is 12 so she’d recognize what I was trying to do before I got “Once upon a time” out of my mouth, but then we’d both get a good laugh out of it and it would still serve its purpose.
I have stopped myself in the early stages of a Hulk episode by realizing how mortified I’d be if someone videotaped the scene and put it on YouTube.
Thanks for your kind words, Kelsey!
I love your idea of imagining that someone is video taping all our interaction with our kids… I think a lot of us are a lot more mindful of our behavior when we think others are watching us! Thanks for sharing that wonderful tip. I love how much I get to learn from wonderful readers like you who share these great tips 🙂
The only thing I might add to your list is a key point I have taken from Dr Laura Markham at aha parenting…
Commitment and Empathy… If, as your annoyance rises and heads toward anger, you can empathize with what your child is seeing and feeling, you can avoid losing control and maintain love. It isn’t easy. It is a skill. It works. It can have magical results. Empathy creates connection and connection diffuses situations and leads to understanding.
Hi Susanne, You’re so right about empathy! It’s something I’m focusing on right now. As you said, it’s hard but totally worth it! I use Dr. Laura’s “It’s not an emergency” mantra that Sonya pointed out above. And when I’ve cooled down a little, I try to understand why my daughter is willing to take up arms over this matter…. sometimes I get it, sometimes I don’t. One way or the other though, it makes it a lot more easier for me to calm down and not lose it.
I also use the counting thing with my wee boy (3), but rather than using a punishment, i say ‘can you pull the plug out before i count to three?’ If he doesn’t want to do it then I do, but usually if you put the suggestion out there he can’t possibly let me do it for him! I love the idea of sitting very still and quiet together until we calm down. I am also going to try and turn things into a joke more. My husband does this brilliantly, but it doesn’t come so easily to me. I think I just find some things come into the category labelled ‘unacceptable’ in my head and I find it really hard to let go of that. Great ideas. I am going to go and have a hot bath and work on my own list. Thanks!
Aaahhh… a hot bath sounds sounds so tempting to me right now! (I had one of “those” days… Sigh!)
After the many wonderful suggestions here, I’ve been trying the “I’ll count till 5 and let’s see if you can do […] by then” trick, and it’s working surprisingly well… Doesn’t always get the job done, but when it does, we’re both in a nice happy mood. And that’s a beautiful thing 🙂
Thanks for sharing, Anita. Take care!
For now I have custody of my two and six year old grandchildren and I’m doing it alone at 65 years old. I find myself losing my temper and finding myself way too cranky. I’m so glad I found this place to help me relearn some parenting skills. I love all the ideas here and it’s already helping me feel calmer inside and I don’t feel so alone.
Oh Ing, my heart goes out to you and your little grandkids! But you’ve got to believe you are doing great… the sad truth about life is, a lot of parents themselves don’t pay enough attention to the way they raise their kids. And you, in spite of your tough circumstances, are reading articles like this and making an effort to be a better parent for your grandkids… its quite something!
Take care, and keep doing your best, improving a little bit with each passing day… and when you feel alone, please stop by and chat here anytime. I don’t know if I can help in any other way, but I’ll definitely be a good listening ear and someone you can talk to…
Sumitha,
Your reply means a lot to me and I know that I have a source to when I’m overwhelmed and stressed and yes I will keep reading all the parenting tips to help me become a better person for my grandchildren.
I get pretty overwhelmed with just one child, so I can imagine how much more stressful the situation must be for you. It’s a noble thing you are doing, Ing! Take care.
This hit home today, glad I found it.
Something I do a lot, which is a little like the spontaneous dance party thing someone mentioned, is sing what I am temped to yell. I find myself making up little songs all the time anyway, and if I can keep my head enough to do this in an angering situation it really works to diffuse things because I sound ridiculous.
Definitely saving this page to refer back to! Thanks for a great article!
@Sara, watching an imaginary you sing “would you please just finish up your milk so we’re not late again… la ladi dah… they way you fool around instead of drinking milk is driving me nuts… la ladi dah…” made me LOL. This is the first time I’ve heard someone sing their anger off! Thanks for sharing 🙂
Thank you Sumita for your blog, intresting, helpful information
Sumitha…sorry for the misspelling
Thank you. I need this so badly. Thank you, also, for your honesty. It’s terrible to go to those places, I know, but it is nice to know I am not alone and I can get out of the dark. I really appreciate your fine parenting journey…it’s a journey for us all.
What a great and timely article for me! I yelled, no, screamed at my 4 yo daughter Sunday night to “stop screaming!”. She would not let me have a cooling off period, despite my asking for it nicely, and literally tackled me while I was walking out of the room. I told her I loved her and I was leaving so that I wouldn’t yell and I would be back in 2 short minutes but she lost it like I have never seen and, subsequently, I did too.
While #1 won’t work for me since she gets ten times more upset when I leave the room and leave her with her Dad, which just riles me more, I sometimes will (very loudly but not in a yelling voice) PRAY. I am not religious nor do I even know if I believe in a God, but prayer works. I close my eyes, kneel down (usually I am already at her level so often I am already on my knees) and I say loud enough for her to hear me over her screaming “God or angels or whatever is out there, please help me be the mom I want to be in this very moment. Please help me be the mom I want to be regardless of the daughter I have right in this moment. Please help me show love and compassion and understanding right now even though I want to scream instead. Please help me remember and focus on any moment besides this one where I was laughing with her and grateful for her and my heart was filled with love for her. Please help me show her that love now.”
Normally my daughter is so perplexed as to what I am doing that she stops and stares, QUIETLY, tears still streaking her dumbfounded face.
And then I can hug her.
Basically, the prayer is an act of reminding myself out loud of the moments when my heart is overflowing with love and somehow I feel calmer, even if I don’t know who or what I am praying to. Hope that helps!!! This article has already helped me so much. I can’t wait for more!
Charlotte
I can totally relate to this. There is not a day when me and my elder one butt heads. She will be turning 8 soon but acts like a teen. Her answer to everything is an expression which will sum up as “whatever!” I was tired of doing the yelling matches with her and decided to stop it for once. I took her out for a hot choc and began by explaining how we both always fight, and how it all ends up bad and start looking at each other as if we couldn’t stand one another. I told her I loved her and it broke my heart when she would give e the expressions. She told me she felt as if I was giving more importance to the younger one and I realised I was treating her like a big kid even though she wasn’t one. So we came up with this idea. If one of us started arguing and raised the voice , the other would point out nicely and ask to go for a timeout to cool down. This way we both would be apart from each other for a while where we would have time to rethink and either let the matter go or take it in a different way. Its working wonderfully.
Hi Sumitha,
I just joined your blog, I love reading your articles & the examples that you list in there, I instantly connect with all of your articles, but this one more because I am going through the same thing with my 4 year old son. I am in the same boat & being a mother is it very hard & frustrating especially when he refuses to listen to me. My parents are temporarily staying with us & since he has his grandma he always uses that against me. He tends to listen to his dad & his grandma & that frustrates me & makes me yell at him which escalates the situation. For example, while eating he always wants to watch videos, although I do give him the ipad to watch 1 video, it goes on for 1 hour where he watches 2 or 3 videos, & when I try to stop him, he screams at me, & sometimes scratches me. When I stop it, his grandma comes in between & takes his side & that encourages him even further. After reading your article, on how to keep yourself from yelling at kids, here are my list of things that I will do when I get angry next time, I have borrowed some of these from your article above:
1) Get out of the situation – When I get angry, when he is not listening to me, screaming at me & scratching me, I am going to walk away from there until he calms down.
2) Have his dad take over – When he does not listen to me, if my husband is around I am going to have him take over & I will walk away, instead of stressing out my energy & yelling.
3) Give him options – When he refuses to listen to me, I am going to give him 2 or 3 options to choose from, maybe it will work.
4) Bribe or incentives – Sometimes this works for me, where I tell him that I am going to give you a surprise if you listen to me, it works sometimes, not always.
5) Give him consequences – Tell him the consequences & start counting in when he has to do the stuff before I count to 10.
6) Be positive – Due to my frustration, it has made me a negative person, who is always stressed out & yelling, I want to stop this as this is also impacting my health & others too. I am going to thing positive, be positive & ignore the negativity & Let it go!
You are doing a great job on this blog, I have pledged to be a positive parent by 2015! I wish you all the best for this blog, I read the comments & made me feel better that there are other people also going through the same struggle as me 🙂
I have a really big family, 9 kids (no joke) and one of the best ways for me to let go of a really heated situation is to think of my kids all grown and how we will think back and laugh at that very situation that is so horrible in the present. This doesn’t get the kids off the hook but it adds an element of humor for me that helps put things into perspective
Wow, Eliyafa! Hats off to you for keeping your sense of humor with 9 kids. Thank you so much for sharing this wonderful tip with us (now I have no excuse to lose it with just one child!)
Thanks for the great article and your honesty. There are some wonderful tips here!
I searched for “I don’t want to yell at my kids anymore” because I had just yelled at them and felt terrible. Even in the middle of me yelling there’s a voice inside of me that says “you’re going to feel awful about this”. My parents yelled and no matter how much I hated the yelling and told myself I’ll never do it with my kids, I just revert to yelling when I’m desperate. It feels terrible. I have just rushed out of their room where they have been ignoring my pleas to put away their clothes, and searched for this.
Sometimes I feel like none of my friends who have kids ever get frustrated and yell, they all seem so calm and collected all the time. It was encouraging to see that someone else has similar struggles to mine. I am determined to make a better plan now. Thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing, Ksenia. I understand what you mean about the friends. I used to think that I yelled more than any of my friends, until one day one of my friends commented on how patient I was with my daughter. I was immediately reminded of a quote I read sometime back — “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel”. So true, particularly in the way we parent. Here I was comparing myself to her and thinking how much calmer she is, while she was thinking exactly the same about me!!!
Take a deep breath. Just the fact that you were searching for “I don’t want to yell at my kids anymore” shows that you are doing great 🙂 Do the best you can – sometimes you’ll be successful, sometimes not. If we keep at it, the scale will eventually tip in favor of being successful more often than not!
I just wanted to reply to your comment and say that I also grew up with yelling parents and it’s extremely difficult to break the cycle when that’s all you know.
You are not alone.
I ended up on your site because like almost everyone else here, I found myself yelling at my child and I don’t want to do that again cuz it feels so awful afterward. I do appreciate your strategies. I am going to try to be better mentally prepared and try to jog my brain into a different direction next time I am hopping mad.
However, thinking about all of this has brought back my own childhood with my parents who never yelled, not once that I can remember. My parents were very concerned about public image and even their image to each other and us kids and there was a huge pressure (even at home) to be perfectly behaved and keep our church faces on. It was so fake. We all had to put on a show for my father every day. If my parents were ever really *really* angry, they would use this ghostly whisper and it was terrifying. I do not condone yelling, but I think an honest emotion is somehow better and less confusing than a fake face and pretend happiness.
Rose, that seems like a difficult environment to grow up in. Thank you for sharing – you offer a very different perspective than what many of us have considered here. Yes, we don’t want to yell at our kids, but at the same time, taking it to the other extreme and forcing a fake calm isn’t quite the answer either.
To me, as long as we stay authentic – in both our attempt to curb the yelling, and in sharing our successes/failures in this attempt with our kids – I think they will learn from the experience, and all of us will come out the stronger for it. The other day, my daughter (6 years old) actually hissed at me something along the lines of – “Shush. I am upset. I don’t want to say mean things. Don’t talk”. It was borderline rude, but I resisted the urge to correct. When I got hold of my own upset and took a deeper look, it actually made me a tad bit proud — she was aware of her feelings and making an effort to not scream “mean things” at me (which is her MO when she feels hurt). We’re both learning… together!
Sumitha, I was feeling really low today, for different reasons, but reading your articles, specially this one, has lifted me up completely. Like someone already said in the comments, I feel as if I am reading my own thoughts but much better written. I think it was no accident that I have stumbled upon your blog. I sent a cry for help to the universe and here’s my answer. Will share more of my own experiences soon, today I just wanted to say I feel great now! Thank you all!
Sorry to hear you were having a rough day @LoveHerSoMuch, but so glad that the article helped give you a lift. And by taking the time to share that with me, you’ve definitely put a pep in my day, which at this moment, I am sorely in need of. The universe does have a way of spreading this around, and I’m so happy for that 🙂
As a single dad of two wonderful but very opinionated and sometimes very confrontational children 6 and 3 i find that i am yelling more then i know i should be. I have been looking for some techniques and tips on different ways of parenting. I really love #7 as i know i always feel bad after i yell at my kids. Thank you for sharing and for giving me some tools to become a better parent.
A light thump works pretty well for me. Not enough to cause any real pain, just enough to make ’em think twice.
I yell a lot and I don’t know how to stop. I feel horrible after and always think next time I won’t yell but it never works. I’ve had a big issue with the children not wanting to clean their room( they share a room) they will just fight about who made the mess and not do anything. And this has been going on for years to they point I can’t even stay calm anymore I say clean your room nicely about 2 times and then I get to the yelling and they still don’t listen. I do not know what to do and I feel I tried it all. 1.Incentives: clean and we’ll go do something fun when you are done. No didn’t work
2.Ok we’ll go do something fun and when we get back you need to clean. Nope
3. I’ll take all your toys away if you don’t. Well I took them all and they still didn’t follow up with cleaning I also put a bunch in the trash.
5. Take turns different weeks. Nope its too hard for them
Well maybe that’s not trying it all but it’s a lot. And then I yell when they argue back and talk back I immediately get mad and yell back because they have an attitude when I was asking nicely and they give me attitude right away. I feel like I get mad right away because I’ve been dealing with the same stuff every single year. I feel like I can’t take it day by day because it’s the same stuff all the time so it just triggers me to yell right away. I tell them i don’t like yelling because it puts me in a bad mood and it makes them upset so they need to quit arguing and talking back, and they need to listen. But that’s never worked. All I know is I am so tired of yelling but I don’t know how to stop when all they do is argue, fight, and do not listen. HELP!
It seems only a child can bring a person to confront their selfishness.
Without unbridled selfishness, what basis for anger?
Sometimes fear, my daughter knocked down a gate by climbing it, she held it up (she is 4) instead of letting it fall on her brother (9 months old). I was afraid that if it happened again someone would get hurt worse, my daughter is allowed to let herself out of the gate, and she can, so there is not a need for her to break the rules and climb it, she is a rebel who loves testing and breaking the rules for no other reason (not for attention because she will do it in secret so that’s the opposite than for attention). I yelled at her and she listened. I hate doing that, I feel childish and drained after, she admitted on a walk yesterday that she likes it. That’s what I thought, but I still want to break the cycle (that’s why I’m browsing here). I wasn’t being selfish to wash the kids dishes after our meal, I only keep one set of dishes, they need to be washed after each meal to eat the next one, no one is here to help me, I gate the baby in a safe play area and his sister is allowed to come and go from there since we haven’t had prior incidents between them thus far. I think almost always the anger comes from fear vs selfishness from me, I was 30 when I had my first child, I’m not a selfish person, I do get tired of feeling like my words that were intended to help us live in harmony are falling on deaf ears and that frustration of trying and failing to communicate causes a lot of anger, but I feel like the most important legacy I will ever have is my children’s ability to live and also respect the lives of others, so when the lessons I’m trying to teach (such as don’t run into traffic) are not working out it is very frustrating to be failing at the most important thing I’m doing and I find it easy to get angry when I’m frustrated and overwhelmed. I’m overwhelmed both by the volume of requests and also by the volume of information that I could be teaching my kids. If I could eliminate either the sense of frustration or the sense of being overwhelmed I think it would help me. 🕊️
Sumitha, this is extremely practical and so helpful. Thank you! I have shared it with my fellow parents too. It is totally worth the reading time and the time it took me to scroll ALL the way down to post a comment! 😀
Thanks again!
Thanks for the wonderful comment and the kind words, Suma 🙂
Thank you for this article. I struggle with yelling at my kids when they do not listen. It makes everyone feel awful, and achieves nothing. I want to be a better example for my kids and teach them self-control. My biggest fear is that they will grow up to yell at their own children, I do not want that to be my legacy. Thanks again for the tips.
I REALLY don’t like the idea of telling my child about a SERVANT child. Not appropriate at all!
I understand. But reality is very different in different parts of the world. Just because we don’t talk about it doesn’t make it go away. My daughter saw what she saw. I would rather talk about it than sweep it under the carpet. I hope you can see it from our perspective as well. Take care!
Hi!
I stumbled upon your blog accidentally. I was a ‘monster mom’ with my older two kids. Why I did what I did can take up an entire gb but, when I had my third after a gap of 6 years, I decided that it was the time to make amends. I would not raise another one to see the monster in me. And that change will hopefully affect all of us (including the older two) in a positive way. Everyone should bear in mind that ‘change’ takes a loooong time and there are times that you backslide. But that is just human. I read up a lot of parenting articles during that time and decided to come up with strategies; but the difficult part for me was the different stages that all my children were/are at: my eldest son is 13, my daughter 10 and then the lil guy is 4. They all have different issues and it is quite a challenge to deal with 3 separate issues at different times of the day. But, the idea of coming up with a ‘game-plan’ i.e. to think about strategies to use comes in handy. It is slightly easy to deal with older kids because you can make them understand but with my toddler, I found that empathy really really works. I used to wonder why children were not born with an ‘instruction manual’ but now i figured that they are, and it is called ‘maternal instinct’. Listen to your inner voice and no matter what, do not let your ego dictate how you handle your child. It is not a power struggle, it is a human being trying to tell you something. So step out of the moment and go thru a mental check-list. You will be able to find an option to work with.
Your blog is great, and even to an experienced, battle-hardened mom like me, these tips come in handy!
Thank you for such a beautiful comment, Nadia!
I agree with you – change takes a looong time, and even then you backslide. I’ve had this blog for over two years now, and eat, live and breathe these articles on a daily basis, and still I stumble so often. I’m learning to try and be kind to myself during these slips and focus on becoming a better mom the next moment. Even a little improvement has got to be better than none, and by owning up my faults, hopefully I can teach my daughter that there is no perfection, but we can build a happy, content life by just trying to be the best possible selves in spite of the warts and all.
And, I love, love , love the way you put this — “It is not a power struggle, it is a human being trying to tell you something. “ So true and yet, so easily forgotten!
Thank you again so much for this wonderful, insightful comment!
Hi! I’ve been following your site for a while now and finally got the courage to go ahead and give you a shout out from Kingwood Tx!
Just wanted to mention keep up the fantastic job!
Awww, thanks Vivien! I just got back from a long road trip and what a fantastic comment to come home to 🙂 So glad to have you in our community and glad that you are enjoying the articles.
Great lesson in this reading! I’m so glad I stumbled upon this. My 5 year old daughter and my 4 year old son had a tough time last night with neither listening to directions and tantrums starting before bed time. I yelled and put them both on my bed while I walked out of the room to cool off… but I wish I would have used one of your techniques. I’m still beating myself up over the way I acted. We did cuddle afterward and talk about what happened, but that will definitely be my #8.
thanks so much!
Ouch, Laura. So sorry to hear you had a rough night yesterday. Don’t beat yourself up much though… before too long you will have ample opportunities to handle things differently… if there’s one guarantee about parenting, it is that you will have enough and more challenging situations to deal with 😉 Good luck!
I am beyond happy that I’ve come across this blog! My daughter will probably start looking at me like I’m an alien bc I will no longer yell, but I think we’ll have a happier, and more quiet household thanks to you! I’m giving all of these tips a go but always keeping #8 in mind. Thank you!
So glad that you have joined us, Britney! Welcome on board! And happy “alien” parenting 😉
I have a 14 year old daughter who consistently refuses to get to bed at night and refuses to get up in the morning. I have been unable to come up with ways in which to deal with this. Any ideas?
With my son, it only worked to get through to him by finding something very very important to him, and taking it away. For him, that was his iPod and/or phone and/or “all electronics.” Sometimes this meant inconveniencing us all by unplugging and taking the internet router. Sometimes it meant he could not see his friends until things changed.
This did make him very very angry. And it is manipulative. But here is how we explained it to him: “The thing is, this issue (e.g., getting to bed, getting up and to school on time — in our case, it was doing and turning in homework, I think) is really really important to us because we believe it has a HUGE impact on your future. We have to do EVERYTHING in our power to help you change this. We realize you think it is unfair and you may hate us for it. But we will hate ourselves if we do nothing and then have to watch you have a not-so-good-future-life as a result. We know that your electronics and connections to your friends are really important to you. Since that is the only thing we can think of (right now) that might encourage you to change, we are using that as a motivator. Now, it’s up to you.”
Good luck — I hope you can also find a motivator for your 14-yr-old!
I stumbled upon this blog as I was trying to get my 2.5 yr old daughter to stop whining ,crying all day for everything from waking up from bed to sleeping at night . Loved it – felt like you have read my mind . Especially #8 – i did that this morning when I dropped her at daycare .
loved all your ideas and going to try from today . any suggestions for toddlers who are picky eaters ? Also, any ideas on getting them to focus on what we are doing like reading a book etc .,?
Thanks, Sameera! So glad you’ve joined us!
We’ve covered building healthy eating habits using positive parenting techniques in a couple of articles. Take a look at these, maybe they will help?
– 20 Easy Ways To Have Your Family Eating Healthier in No Time
– 7 Habits of Families Who Consistently Eat Healthy (Without Nagging or Drama)
I don’t think we’ve actually covered the topic of getting kids to focus on what they are doing at the moment though (not as an article by itself at least). I will add it to my list of future topics. Thanks!
Hi Sumitha,
Your words calmed me down. I just yelled at my daughter yesterday night and was condemned for it by my conscience. I frequently end up displaying my volatile side. I was finding it difficult to concentrate at work but i feel so much better now. Thanks a bunch!
Glad the article helped, Mousumi! And thank you for letting me know. I am quite a volatile person myself, but over time I have been able to get a better hold on it. Amazingly, not only has it improved my relationship with my daughter, but also with my husband, my friends, extended family and myself. I feel a lot more content and at peace now, and that in turn makes me less volatile. It is a beautifully virtuous circle 🙂
Good luck to you on this journey!
im blessed to come across this.Thnx
Very happy that you’ve joined us. Welcome aboard!
Loved your article and bookmarked it! I had a particularly difficult morning and hit my 3 year old daughter today.. the “incidents” have become quite frequent lately, specially we’re in a hurry to get ready in the morning.. both of us are trying to cope with my husband’s absence (he’s out of the country for the last 5 months). I literally searched for “how to stop myself from hitting my child” and came across your article.. I found your suggestions realistic, as you’ve “been there and done that”.. I hate myself when I hit her but at times I find it very hard to control myself! Hopefully, I’ll be able to apply some of your tips.. thanks!
Sorry to hear that your kids and you are going through a rough period, Suchismita. I am so glad you found this article helpful. Transition for hitting to gentle discipline can seem difficult, but the benefits — watching your kids happy and blooming while behaving of their own accord — really makes it worth it! Hang in there. You can do it!
Sending you the very best wishes…
I am sooo guilty of the get mad-yell-feel guilty-apologize, repeat cycle…
Thank you for this post. It helps me feel that I’m not alone in the struggle and that there’s hope for changing my behaviour and improving my relationship with my kids.
Two things help me, when I remind myself to do them:
1. Ask myself if whatever I’m mad at will matter 5 years from now. If the answer is no, take a few deep breaths and let it go.
2. Ask myself the following questions (which I learned from Barbara Coloroso’s excellent book, Kids are worth it!:
Is [whatever my child is doing] life threatening?
Is it morally threatening?
Is it unhealthy?
If the answer to all of these questions is no, take a few deep breaths, and let them learn via natural consequences.
Finally, I also give myself regular time outs. “Mama’s angry right now; Mama needs a time out.” Sometimes the kiddos will come in the room after a minute or so and give me a hug.
I’m trying. I’m nowhere near perfect (neither will I ever be perfect), but making progress ever day.
I love your two question trick for cooling down, Mariana! These days, I use the “This is NOT and emergency” mantra (that I got from Dr. Markham’s book) which has kind of a similar effect as your questions. Good luck to you in your journey! I agree we can’t quite be perfect ever, but every bit of improvement sure helps 🙂
Hi Sumitha,
I came across your site after almost burying myself in guilt over an uncomfortable breakfast episode this morning! I am a step-mother of a five-year old little girl. She experiences two very different kinds of parenting styles at our home and at her mom’s. She goes from extreme indulgence at her mom’s to being told ‘no’ and being stopped from ruling the place at ours! So, it is but natural that there are episodes of defiance at our place. My husband and I try our best to practice positive disciplining. But this morning I completely lost my cool when she spat food from her mouth all over the floor! And I yelled 🙁
It was comforting to read your post and to know that there are solutions! That even great step-moms can be made!
Awww… I am so glad the article came at the right time for you Vidya.
I have a huge amount of respect and admiration for step-parents… I think parenting is all kinds of complicated by itself but with step-parenting there is an additional layer of details and nuances to consider. I am so happy to hear that you and your husband practice positive discipline with your child. Of course it is not the silver bullet and your child will still be a child who will at times push your limits, but using positive/connected/gentle parenting offers such a wonderful opportunity to connect in spite of it all. Good luck to you and your family!
Excellent article, thank you. I yelled at my kids this morning in a manner that I wouldn’t let any one speak to me in, and I felt horrible. A google search led me to your site and I’m sure glad it did. I will start trying these techniques immediately. SO nice to hear that other’s have the same challenges and feelings of guilt.
So glad to hear that you found the article useful, James. Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment about it! Everyone loses their patience once in a while… I think it’s how we handle the situation after, and what we do to prevent a similar situation from occurring in the future that sets a fine parent apart 🙂 Good luck in your parenting journey!
And do you have any alternate advice for the single parents,for the steps where you advise them to let their husband step in? I don’t have the luxury of having a husband to help out anymore and of course she is an angel with him. Not saying this rudely; I am honestly asking.
Hi Jen! Sorry for the delayed response… I’m running on a summer schedule and my mailbox is getting away from me a bit 🙁
You raise a good point… These are some of the things that work for me… it does not mean that it will work for everyone. Every family has to find their own system that works for them. Just this week another mom from out community — Jennifer Poindexter — shared her tips and tricks. I learnt a lot from it. I hope you find something in this that might help?
How to Stop Yelling at Children Once and for All
Sumitha, thank you for sharing these wonderful tips and for being transparent with your readers. It really makes a big difference when that happens. Usually when I read something so intelligent and insightful, I think the author really can’t understand what it’s like to be human and to lose it. It helps to relieve my guilt and to take the article seriously when I realize that isn’t the case. My situation is unusual. I have two grown children and then I had two more in my forties! Now I’m 51 years old with two boys ages 5 and 8! And I’m a single parent. I do think #7 can work for us because we’re a funny family and we love to laugh. In fact, as I read it, I thought about my last explosion when my 5-year-old wouldn’t put his shoes on. If I had told him to put mine on instead, while I put his on, and actually tried it, we would have all ended up laughing. That’s really what we do best. Thank you and God bless you!
Thanks for your wonderful kind words, Kelly. The shoe swap is such a great trick! I’ve been trying to do more of humor, but I still am not very good at it. We’ve had a very pleasant surprise though… my daughter seems to have caught on to this trick and when things start to fray at the edges, she makes an attempt at humor that makes it easier for me to just follow and fall in line with. So grateful for life’s little unexpected gifts! 🙂
Hi Sumitha,
Very informative article..Just few hours before reading this article I went through a tuff situation wherein both me and my kid were not in a good mood..I just said, lets try to calm ourself..And she sat next to me..We tried taking deep breaths..Yes it did work out…as she started telling me mama this how you have to breath and all those..and we escaped from that mood..I’m able to completely relate with this technique..
So glad to hear that, Kiruthiga. I wish you the very best in being able to resolve conflicts peacefully in the future as well — keep at it!
Refreshing to read an article from someone who has kept it real. Puts my mind at ease to hear the situations you have found yourself in with your child. I’m finding life very tough with my 7 year old son at the moment and what most worries me is that children mirror their parents behaviour, so I’m fearing that he is getting his behaviour from me! Simply asking him to brush his teeth or put his shoes away turns into a huge ordeal, he cries and complains about everything and he also seems to have a short attention span. I practice mindfulness techniques at times with him to try to ground him but it doesn’t work. I ensure he gets his five a day, I spent one-on-one time with him, play with him and ensure he gets plenty of air etc but I must be going wrong somewhere. I feel I am constantly nagging at him for something or other, even though I start out positive, happy and upbeat when I request something from him… like to put away his school books, it turns into a heated argument. I’m feeling downbeat about it now. II know it can’t be his fault, he is the child and I am the adult. I’ve spoken to my husband but he doesn’t have any input, work takes up all his time and thoughts. I am also now concerned about the environment that my 20-month old is growing up in.
I’m going to bookmark this page and refer back to it everyday. Thank you
So sorry to hear that you are going through a challenging phase, Anne… But you are trying so many different things and I am sure one of them will “click” one of these days and suddenly, things will start to fall in place.
My daughter just turned 8 (ie, she is about the same age as your son) and what works for us these days is to be really open about it… I tell her I want us to have peaceful time together and if either of us is beginning to get to each other, I tell her it’s time for us to back off. If it is me who is getting upset, I tell her I am going to stay out of her way and keep my lips zipped so I don’t say any harsh things that I will regret later… sometimes she continues to try to annoy me intentionally to get a rise out of me and I do my best to not respond at all, but more often than not, she stays out of my way until I have calmed down. And I do the same for her…. when she is upset, I tell her, “I’m sorry, I’ve been driving you nuts… looks like I need to get out of your face for a bit”… and sometimes she tells me “I don’t want to be rude, but will you please stay quiet for a few minutes…” either ways she will grab a book and start reading until she is a little calmer.
We both have strong willed personalities, and I am beginning to think it is inevitable that we will get on each others nerves at times… I’ve kinda realized that it is not realistic to have a kumbaya when we are both so stubborn about what we believe we want at any given moment… that said, some of these techniques have helped a lot in keeping things in control so even though we have our moments, we hardly have escalations these days… knock on wood!
Wishing you the very best in finding that balance with you son and your baby. Good luck!
Thank you so much for this post Sumitha, I like your relatable, empathetic and realistic take on the issue of losing it with our kids and look forward to exploring more of you blog.
I too am here after an unfortunate and loud argument with my five year old ( just writing that makes me feel foolish- I’m a 42 year old arguing with a 5 year old) Anyhoo, it happened and I feel terrible, but your article has lifted my spirits and made me feel a little less hopeless. The idea of having a plan in place of how I will react the next time this happens really resonates with me, and that makes me feel very hopeful. One thing that I haven’t noticed suggested in any of the feedback here that I sometimes use is to say my childs age out loud. When I find myself reaching a breaking point I’ll include their age in something I’m saying, usually in a joking manner of sorts I’ll say something like, “Well my little 5 year old person that I love, I don’t like being screamed at and I don’t understand you when you scream, when you’re ready to use your normal voice, I look forward to speaking to you.” then I walk away and I won’t engage until she uses her normal speaking voice. Reminding myself of her age often helps jolt some sense into me so I stop having a screaming match with a child, sometimes it doesn’t work well enough ? Walking away after respectfully declining to engage until she calms down sometimes works wonders and others…not so much. Sometimes not engaging is difficult because my daughter will leap on me and try to keep me from leaving. This used to make me feel bad – like oh my gosh she’s so upset she’s clinging to me how can I walk away. I now realize staying and putting up with that behavior was not helping either of us. I give her a hug and then gently remove her arms and repeat that I look forward to talking to her when she stops yelling. Usually this happens immediately following this and then we have a cuddle and then we try to talk about it and sort it out.
Sorry for the long post I really just meant to share the saying their age out loud thing as it really does help to remind yourself when you’re in the thick of things sometimes.
Again, I very much appreciate this post it was just what I needed. Than you.
Sorry you had a rough evening, Lisa. I hope tomorrow is a much brighter, less combative day.
And, I love your tip of saying the age out loud… I’ve never tried it, but I can see how it could bring the temperature down when you are boiling over with frustration/exasperation/upset. I particularly like how you also included a reminder to yourself that this is not an enemy but a person you actually love… I will definitely give this a shot. My daughter is 8 now and this will either make her giggle or roll her eyes… either ways, I think it will serve to diffuse both of us, and definitely worth the shot.
Thank you so much for sharing this with us!
Hi! Something happend a few days ago and i want to share it with you all. My son is almost 2yo. He is very difficult,angry if i dont give or let him do what he wants. He slaps me and bite me even though i do not do it to him. I try to explain to him always and as often i can what is right and wrong. He screams to the top of his lungs,hiting his had of the floor,legs the same etc. So let me tell you about what happend. One night i was trying to get him dresed for night time. He wouldnt stay put,always trying to run out of the room. At some point he hit me in the face with the leg. I start crying,more because of frustration and less cause of the pain. When he saw me crying he stoped yelling,screaming and hitting with his legs. He came sit in my lap,touched my face and tried to kiss me to forgive him. When he saw i dont stop crying his face changed. He looked like an grown up,with a face king of like:”what have i done? What should i do?” He started whiping my tears away with his hands and kiss me all over my face with worried face. Since that night he is more calm. He reacts but not as bad as before. I dont know what to make out of this but i just felt like sharing this with you all.
Irina, that is such a touching story. Thank you for sharing!
I am not an expert, but from what I’ve read, I understand that kids’ brains are not quite fully developed yet at the age of 2. So when they hit us or lash out, it is not with the intent of “hurting” us but more a way of acting out their own disappointment or frustration. Perhaps that night for the first time you son made the connection that his actions can cause you pain?
Either ways, I wish you and your son the very best on this journey. He seems like a sensitive child who is just beginning to learn how to respond kindly and you seem like a very involved mom. Guide him well, as best as you can and it will all work out in the end. Good luck!
It’s quite amazing trying out these ideas.. It will really be perfect to continue in it..
I cannot type the words my mother yelled at me, or my reply would be deleted, and there is no way to describe how loud she was, or how she used to hit me.
If you yell at your child, you run the risk of losing them.
Same here, I am estranged from my mother who was a drug addict and a pedophile on top of yelling constantly and hitting, choking and strangling us. But now I am also a mom and it’s horrible how easy it is to yell when your kids don’t respond to kind words. I 100% don’t want to yell at my kids, the reason I wanted to have kids was kind of to transform the method of child-rearing in our family, and it’s still hard. When I was pregnant with my second child I started yelling, then two years later I’m still trying to quit. I never pardoned myself for yelling, I never decided that I wanted to do it, I have every motivation to not yell, but it’s still a hard habit change. Yesterday I found this article and I am trying to develop a game plan of how not to yell. I read a book called “Power of Habit” that talks about finding a CUE, ROUTINE, and REWARD. So my cue will be when I start getting tense, I feel my body tense before I get more angry, before I yell, my routine now is to keep repeating the rules and then get more angry as they are broken and then yell, my reward in the future will be a cookie I walked to the store yesterday to get a box (if I yell at my daughter she will get the cookie instead of me – yeah it’s sugar but neither of us has a weight problem and we both exercise every day). The routine I’m going to try first as a substitute is yipping like the “What the Fox Say” video. 🕊️
Loved it!! It came at a time when I was sulking after yelling so badly at my poor little daughter. To my surprise I found my mantra listed in yours. I have started thinking about aftermath when I am about to loose. And helps me get back my poise.
Thanks for sharing!!!!!!
Thank you! Loved this. I wrote down my favorite tips on a post-it that is going on my fridge. 2, 3, 7, and 8 are my favorites that I want to try. My daughter is 6 and late to school almost every day because she just wants to wake up and start playing–with toys, our cat, anything to avoid getting ready. I’m done yelling. I hate the way it makes me feel. Awesome article!
Another tip I liked was from another article. In a soft and calm voice, you ask the child, “What do you still need to do before we _________? (leave the house, get in bed, etc)” Then he/she is in charge and thinking of what needs to be done. We’ll see how it goes.
Thank you Sumitha for this article. Its so difficult not to yell when I’m mad at my kids however, sometimes I withdraw privileges to correct a bad behavior or even take a few minutes off not saying anything. I really liked the part where you give yourself time by doing the dishes until the child finishes up.
I will begin to practice a lot of these tips.
I love this article but also your entire website and how you send me articles to read every so often. It is done perfectly without any thought or work on my part and gives me quick insight on how to be a better parent. You’ve done an excellent job 🙂
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Dear Sumitha!! Finally I got to read a proper indian way of disciplining a preschooler.. As my kid turned 3 her tantrums started and she is 4 now and I was struggling on how to make to listen to me and importantly how i should stop yelling and keep my cool… I liked this article the moment I read and im saving it so that I can read it again and again to have to restored in my mind.. And WOW.. Ur patience in replying to all the comments!! Truly u r amazing!!! Thank u for such a nice blog..
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Hi Sumitha,
When son was five he threw a tantrum in the supermarket. He was on the floor flaying and screaming. Instead of getting mad, I went down on the floor beside him and start kicking my legs too. People thought I was crazy but it worked. He is now 8 and I have never seen that behaviour again.
Thanks for the blog.
Camile
Lol. Exactly like this. All of the examples, all of the instances, the exact same tricks. Apart from the instance “I really don’t want to try. Just get lost, all of you”. And that actually happens when I don’t get enough sleep, because I had to wake up very early in the morning, and get everything and everyone ready super quietly, because I was cooking until late last night, and now I need to go to work, work overtime because I had to go to that doctor’s appointment yesterday, get the kids back from school, bear with their whining and screaming all the way home (in case they’re hungry or they just didn’t have a good day at school), serve the food, convince them to sit at the table, eat it, and wash hands, and pick up after themselves, and then within the last two hours before they (and if lucky enough you as well) go to sleep, cook, do the dishes, do the laundry, pick up the mess from clothes and toys aaaaaall around, take the trash out, and take a bath. Oh! and if you want to be a good spouse, have sex. Yay! I’m the SUPERMOMWIFE… Eh, those days I just don’t want to do any tricks. Simple as that.
I am so appreciative of this blog. Thank you!
I hate when my words scare my kids. It breaks my heart.
My new technique has been to just imagine that I am talking to me at 6 or 8. How did I wish my Dad talked to me?
I was just sat reading through the article while waiting for dinner to cook when in wanders my very own 5 year old DD… ” can I have a strawberry mama “? She asks? ” dinners in munchkin it won’t be long “. As always I see the look on her face as she senses my No response…. ( we have the same scenario everytime I make a meal and every time I have to say no and it ends in tantrums and she dosnt eat her dinner because I’m mean and won’t let her have what she wants!! ) After reading this article I Look at her face and quickly add… ” I know you want 1 strawberry BUT if you wait and eat your dinner you can 3 strawberries and maybe a couple of cherries ” her face lit up and she jumped of squealing in delight 🤣🤣 so simple I’m quite ashamed I didn’t have the brain to say this before!!! Thank you
Love it! Sometimes a creative YES can get them through the waiting-game that no one likes to play 🙂 Love it!
I love the advice you share. I’m a work in progress. All are great but #6 bothers me but not because of the technique used but because a little boy who should be in school is a servant. We have to be careful of the mentalities to which we expose our children.
Being a part of this blog as well as the FB group has seriously a life changing experience for me and my relationship with my 7yo boy. I know I still have a long way to go and sometimes I still snap and fall into old behaviors, but now I now to stop before it gets out of hand and try to solve things in a positive way for the both of us.
I really enjoy all I can learn from you and everyone who shares experiences, tips and even the ones that expose their personal issues. So in lightning!!!
I appreciate your tips. I am very sensitive to noise and loud noises, and my family is loud (4 kids), but than when they are upset they are really loud and whinny (grating on my nerves). I wish they would just be quiet so I could calm down. I’ve put on sound cancelling headphones, white noise (fan), walked away to a room that is quieter, shut the door, but they follow me around and scream louder at me! I tell them about my feelings, how the noise bothers me (before/during/after) and my 4 & 2 year old of course don’t get it. Its very hard for me to stay calm when I’m being triggered by all the noise. sigh* Any tips?
I don’t mind loud, but for some reason, I can’t do multiple sounds at the same time, when my father talks over the kids at me it drives me nuts. I always ask the second person to stop talking and wait for the next person to start, no matter if it’s my father, my husband, my kids. That helps me. I don’t let my daughter whine or yell, I send her to her room (then she can exit whenever she wants to not do that). My daughter is 4, between 3-4 she understood that there are rules of conduct for each space ie library, store, street, park, home living room, home play area if she wouldn’t have understood I wouldn’t have started training her. For me knowing you as a mom matter is the beginning, then deciding what isn’t acceptable for you to live a good life, ie people screaming at you, then having the energy to make a plan to train that, think of it like if they were screaming at other kids you wouldn’t let them, why let them do that to you, you matter also, then think of a kind way to train them, then train them when you have enough energy to be people who you can enjoy being around. If you need quiet, don’t be ashamed, cultivate quiet in your house as best you can, knowing it will be a long battle… We all need different conditions to thrive, whatever you need is your right as long as you do the work to create it. I’m working on similar goals for next year 1. Stop Yelling Myself, 2. Get a 1 Hour Reading Break Daily, 3. Take a 10 Minute Tea Break Every 4 Hours. Those are my state’s labor laws, I’m trying to give myself the minimum a working human being is supposed to have (as a stay at home mom). Good luck for the new year! 💐
Thank you Sumitha, for this article, it’s the best one I’ve found and I’ve been looking for a long time.
I hate the ones that are like, “instead of yelling, remember to bake cookies with a smile on your face and you’ll find how enjoyable being a parent can be.”
I’ve been yelling for two years, since pregnancy, I’ve been wanting to stop for two years. But I’ve been finding that my plan of “just stop yelling” and “be patient and respectful” hasn’t worked yet.
Yesterday I talked to my sister about it, usually, I make a “cue,” “routine,” “reward,” plan for habit change, but for whatever reason, I thought I could do this without that.
My new year’s resolution is that when I feel tense (cue) I will yip or make silly fox sounds (routine) instead of yelling at my daughter or anyone and I will get some reward currently a cookie (reward) if I make it through the day without yelling. If I do yell my daughter gets my reward.
It was helpful seeing so many different ideas, I’m different, I had to think of something that I could transition into doing from where I am really, maybe in the future I could do some of the more loving, patient methods, but at this moment I just need to disrupt the current pattern with something else and kind of show myself I have the power to change and get more respectful with it over time when I have momentum.
Here’s to next year’s us, being a little better than this year’s us! 🍾
This made me cry I am a stay at home mother to three toddlers – a 3 year old, 2 year old, and a 1 year old. You can imagine from time to time it gets crazy my oldest two seem to fight all the time done listen unless I raise my voice and it makes me feel like a awful parent. Every night I cry and ask God to help me be a better parent and I wake up trying to be but I end up raising my voice once again any tips for me and any tips to get my gets to listen to me and respect me?
Thank you for your brutal honestly and the way your NORMALISE anger. I have come from a hot-headed family of origin and so non-reactivity is new for me. I have a lot of fire in me and I work hard everyday to use it the right way. I love how you talk about telling our kids we are angry and then modelling the good behaviors instead of the bad ones (yelling, hitting, punishing). It has been working for me and my strong-willed 5 year old is responding and learning to use her fire the right way.
Thank you for these resources!!! Also the recent parent conference. I have learned a lot and the tools and strategies are so helpful for our family! Thank you!!
It can be difficult to avoid yelling at your children even when you are mentally stressed, but it is possible. Here are some helpful tips:
Take a deep breath and exhale: Before reacting to any situation, stop and take a deep breath. This will calm your emotions and make it easier for you to control them.
Clarify your boundaries: understand that you have boundaries and emotions. Maintain healthy boundaries for yourself and your children.
Imagine positive scenarios: Anticipate how you want to react in difficult situations and imagine yourself staying calm.
Make time for independence: take time to relax and recharge. This will reduce your stress levels and improve your ability to control your emotions.
Communicate your feelings: find opportunities to talk about your feelings and stress with your partner, friends or professionals. Support from others is important in maintaining emotional well-being.
Develop relaxation strategies: incorporate relaxation methods into your life, such as meditation, yoga and walking outdoors. This can help reduce stress and increase tolerance for different situations.
Remember that no one is a perfect parent or caregiver and sometimes things can get out of control. The important thing is to learn from your mistakes and develop strategies to help you stay calm in difficult situations.