Ever wonder why we nag or scream at our kids so much? Have you ever really tried to get to the bottom of it?
I was (on occasion, still am) quite possibly one of the most impatient people on the planet. As far back as I can remember, I’d snap and lash out at the slightest provocation.
When my daughter was born, I knew I had to change. As she grew up and started to show us that her personality constituted of multiplied stubbornness from both sides of the family, I knew I really had no choice in this matter.
I have tried several times to quit out of the nag/scream/yell/boss-around habit.
Most often, what would happen is, I would be patient for a few days. My daughter would see it as a sign that I am softening up and would try to push the boundaries. I’d start nagging in an attempt to improve her behavior. This wouldn’t get me too far. And then one day, without much warning, I’d just explode.
We would both end up so drained after one of these episodes.
Obviously, my attempts to break my nagging/screaming/yelling habit were not panning out the way I wanted them to. But I didn’t want to give up just yet.
(On a side note, this was also the period when I adopted the “progress, not perfection” mantra 😉 )
I read parenting books, articles, blog posts – anything that would help me find a way out of this. And slowly a picture started to emerge of why we nag/scream at our kids so much and get stuck in vicious cycles of explosive outbursts.
Understanding this simple picture and realizing what can be changed (and what cannot) has been crucial to finally breaking out of the cycle!
You can visualize the explosive outbursts as consisting of four distinct stages.
Stage 1: Your child says or does something inappropriate.
Stage 2: You get angry
Stage 3: You nag/snap/yell
Stage 4: Your child gets upset/angry/rebellious
Sometimes, the cycle just repeats over and over, working up to a nasty tornado of bad feelings.
Other times, a cycle will play out once and you manage to suppress it. However, if either you or your child has not completely put it behind, then the next slightest provocation will result in the cycle playing itself out all over again, with higher intensity.
At first glance it seems like breaking the cycle completely is impossible.
But I am beginning to notice that by getting a better understanding of it, we can reduce one cycle from feeding off of the previous one and eventually, in the long-term, actually reduce it so much that it is as good as completely broken.
Let’s look at each of those stages in a little more detail –
Stage 1: Your child says or does something inappropriate.
This is what most parents focus their attention on. I know I did.
We try to order, beg, plead, cajole, convince or do whatever it takes to change the child’s behavior. And when the behavior does not change according to our liking, we move to stage 2 – of feeling annoyed, angry, frustrated etc.
The first thing to understand is, this is the stage that we have the least control over. We can try all we want, but we really cannot change another person’s behavior. Simple as that. We can influence change, but the only person who can actually change the behavior is the child herself.
Besides, in many cases, children (irrespective of their age) are young, inexperienced, impulsive or just not capable of some of the standards we set for them. So dwelling on this stage and attempting to magically change behavior is just a waste of time (and energy).
We can prevent this stage from happening in the first place (and we will look into that in the future articles), but once an inappropriate act is done, focusing on changing it is futile.
It is very important to understand this — without it, there is no point in moving forward.
So, stop, take a deep breath and acknowledge that while we can (and should) try to tell our children what the appropriate behavior is, expecting them to fall in line right away just ain’t happening.
Stage 2 & 3: You get angry, You snap/yell
This is where we have the most control. Unfortunately, changing this is also the hardest thing to do and most parents would rather not commit to work on it.
It’s so much easier to let loose and scream at your child in the name of discipline, than to actually acknowledge that what’s done is done, and now we have to change to ensure that it does not happen again. Not the child, but we have to change if we want to influence our kids to change.
Not an easy pill to swallow, I know. I resisted it with all my heart for as long as I could.
But I believe now, that it can be tackled. In small itty-bitty steps. Just by being a little mindful and proactive, we can make the change with a lot less effort than what it looks like it requires at first glance.
Let’s look at these two stages one at a time.
“Stage 2 – You get angry” is the tougher one of the two to break out of. Over time, we will want to master our anger and increase our patience, but when I tried to go cold-turkey and stop being angry as I mentioned above, I actually made the situation worse.
I wasn’t overcoming my anger – I was just bottling up my anger, and letting it out in one go, instead of releasing it out slowly. NOT FUN. 🙁
We parents are, after all, humans. We have our own issues, our own stress and our own baggage. It is just unrealistic to expect to stop getting annoyed, irritated or angry overnight.
So, while this is one of the places where we have control, progress is bound to be slow, and perfection will take its own sweet time to come by.
So for now, let’s put it on a “to-do” list and move on to Stage 3.
“Stage 3 – You snap/yell” – to me, this is the low hanging fruit. When I started working on this part, I could actually see some progress almost right away. Not regress, but real progress. Sweet.
The idea is simple. You don’t bottle up your feelings or avoid it all together in stage 2. Instead, you allow yourself to get angry. You become aware of your feelings. You even tell yourself that it is OK to be angry or irritated. And then you consciously work on your reaction to your feelings.
Ultimately, the one thing that we can actually control, is our own reaction to a situation.
If you have very little time and energy in your life to put habits in place, I believe working on this aspect (along with the prevention of the whole cycle in the first place) can offer the best ROI.
So, the key point to take away – prevent the whole cycle from starting in the first place, but if that fails, then the weakest link that can break the vicious cycle of explosive outbursts is to modify your own reaction to the situation.
Stage 4: Your child gets upset/angry/rebellious
The bad news here is, this is another stage where we have 0% direct control over.
The good news here is, this is a stage where we have 100% indirect control over 🙂
Stage 4 is essentially your child’s reaction to your own reaction to the situation. While you cannot control your child’s reaction, by modifying your own behavior in stage 3, you can eliminate the need for your child to react. Or at least reduce the negativity of the reaction so it won’t feed into the stage 1 of the next cycle.
So, there. A dissection of what goes on to make us act the way we do. What do you think?
Next week we’ll look at how to make sure we do not yell at our kids even when we are hopping mad. In the meantime, use the time this week just becoming aware of the cycle and see how soon you can be aware that you are “reacting” to your child…
The 2-minute Action Plan for Fine Parents
All the articles on this site will contain two “action-plan” sections at the end. The goal of the first one — the 2-minute action plan — is to get us to view whatever we read in the context of our own families. How does this apply to each of us individually? What can we take away for our own families?
The second action plan is a gentle nudge for us to take some kind of concrete action over the course of the next week or two.
OK, so for our 2-minute action plan today, think of the last time you burst out
- Split it up into the 4 stages – what was your child’s behavior, what were your feelings, how did you respond and how did your child respond to your behavior?
- Next, forgive yourself for your reaction. Shit happens. You won’t get anywhere by feeling sorry or feeling guilty.
- And then, think of what you could have done to react differently. Try thinking of one or two different alternative responses that may have elicited a different reaction from your child(ren). This will help you be more aware and better prepared when you are in a similar situation next time.
- Finally, could you have prevented the whole episode from happening in the first place?
The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents
This week the focus is just on awareness. Just watch and observe – both yourself and your kids. And the circumstances that surround an angry outburst.
Prevent the outbursts as best as you can – but don’t stress out if you are not all that successful. Control your reaction to your own anger and frustration to the best of your abilities. In the coming weeks, we will look at different prevention techniques and alternative reactions.
Eventually, we will be snapping/screaming/yelling at our kids a lot less.