Do you remember that first minute when you were looking at your newborn, bleary eyed, and vow that nobody will dare mess with your child, because then they’d have to mess with you?
Then you send your daughter to school. With strangers. Adults and children you don’t know, and you hope and pray they’ll take care of your child like the treasure she is.
One day, your little one comes home with a teary face. “Someone hurt me.”
Like my daughter did. “Mommy, Gina hit me.”
According to a national survey, bullying and cyberbullying have eclipsed kidnapping as parents’ greatest fear.
Is there any wonder why? Just take a look at some of the stats. 1 in 4 children are bullied each month in the USA. Every 7 minutes a child is bullied. 160,000 kids miss school each day from fear of bullying. 1 in 10 children drops out of school due to bullying. Nearly one in three parents of children ages 12-17 agree that bullying is a more serious concern than other dangers, including domestic terrorism, car accidents, and suicide.
The only way we can change this is if we get involved. If you, and I and all of us take action, we can stop the bullying.
“I’m not in Congress, I don’t set school policy. Heck, I’m not even a teacher. I’m a worried parent who wants my child to grow up safe and strong. How do we do that?” you ask?
Here’s what to focus on:
1. Understand What Exactly is Bullying
Bullying is a form of emotional or physical abuse that has three defining characteristics:
- Deliberate – a bully’s intention is to hurt someone
- Repeated – the behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time
- Power Imbalanced – a bully chooses victims he or she perceives as vulnerable
These three aspects must be included for a behavior to be labeled bullying.
There are many behaviors that look like bullying but require different approaches. It is important to determine whether the situation is bullying or something else. State law and school policy may have additional guidelines for defining bullying behavior.
In fact, the number of reports of Kentucky public school student bullying, harassing, or threatening others more than tripled from 2012 to 2015 due to changed criteria. So, all that fine print really can make a difference.
Bullying occurs in many different forms, with varying levels of severity. It may involve:
- Physical Bullying – poking, pushing, hitting, kicking, beating up
- Verbal Bullying – yelling, taunting, name-calling, insulting, threatening to harm
- Relational Bullying – excluding, spreading rumors, getting others to hurt someone
- Cyberbullying – Sending hurtful messages or images by Internet or cell phone
Bullying can also be any combination of these. Both kids who are bullied and who bully others may have serious, lasting problems.
2. Recognize Signs of Bullying
Children have many reasons for not telling adults about bullying situations.
- They are ashamed of being bullied.
- They are afraid of retaliation.
- They don’t think anyone can or will help.
- They have bought into the lie that being bullied is part of growing up.
- Children who are also bullied by adults may believe that they are permitted to be bullied.
- They have learned that “ratting” is not cool.
Although children do not tell us outright, they do give us clues.
According to Dr. Joel Haber, bullying expert and author of Bullyproof Your Child for Life
- Is reluctant or refuses to go to school
- Clams up when you try to discuss school
- Demands some sort of change in a long-standing routine, like riding the bus to school or going to the park on Saturdays
- Does not want to participate in after-school activities or play with old friends
- Seems hungrier than usual after school – it might be a sign that someone is stealing his lunch money or that he is unwilling to brave the cafeteria at lunchtime
- Shows signs of physical distress such as headaches, stomach-aches, or nausea
- Goes to the nurse in order to avoid going to class
- Performance in school (grades, homework, attendance) suddenly declines
- Acts sullen, angry, and frequently wants to be left alone
- Uncharacteristically uses bad language
- Shows marked behavior change after computer time or a phone call
- Starts asking for more lunch or transportation money without a clear explanation of why it is needed
- Has unexplained bruises or injuries
What if your child is the bully? Although you don’t want to see your child acting mean, it is important to know the signs that your child may be bullying:
- Lack of empathy
- Needs to be in control
- Underdeveloped social and interpersonal skills
- Seems to derive pleasure from pain and suffering of others
- Attacks before others can attack
- Has been bullied by peer, sibling, or parent
- Is exclusive – refuses to include certain kids in play or study
- Persists in certain unpleasant behavior even after you have told him/her to stop
- Is very concerned with being and staying popular
- Seems intolerant of and/or shows contempt for children who are “different” or “weird”
- Frequently teases or taunts other children
- Constantly plays extremely aggressive videogames
- Hurts animals
- Observes you excluding, gossiping about, or otherwise hurting others: As human beings, we occasionally exhibit some bullying behaviors. It’s only natural and it doesn’t mean we’re bad people. But think about your own behavior and ask – do your kids also show these traits?
3. Talk About Bullying
It’s not only you who needs to know about bullying, this is something you want your child to know about before s/he ever has to confront it.
How can you start the conversation? Check out these resources and decide which one would be best to explore with your child.
Preschool:
Elementary:
- Mcgruff.org provides resources for adults and children looking to stop bullying and educate others about bullying issues.
- PACER Kids Against Bullying is an educational site designed for elementary school students to learn about bullying prevention, engage in activities, and be inspired to take action.
- Stopbullying.gov offers information, videos and games for children.
Middle/High School:
- An American Girl: Chrissa Stands Strong (DVD)
- PACER Teens Against Bullying is created by and for teens. Find ways to address bullying, take action, and be heard.
- The “Fat News Lady” News Story
Parents:
- The Everything Parent’s Guide to Dealing with Bullies by Deborah Carpenter
- Workplace bullying. Bullying doesn’t only happen to kids. Take a stand at work.
- PACER parenting resources
4. Know Your Child’s Rights
Children can be picked on for so many different reasons. Here are some that are common:
- Disabilities
- Religion
- Race
- Allergies
- Size
- Weight
- Ethnic group
- Sex
- Color
Do you know the laws of your state?
All states have laws that protect bullying, harassment, and intimidation in school. With clear definitions, schools must enforce uniform standards of conduct. When a school finds out that harassment may have occurred, staff must investigate the incident(s) promptly and respond appropriately. With state law, schools cannot turn a blind eye to bullying.
Does your child have a disability, food allergy, or other special health need? Know his rights. Make sure his IEP includes a plan to protect your child from bullying. Keep an eye out for signs that your child is being bullied-by children, or even unfortunately by staff. Bullying behavior may cross the line to become “disability harassment,” which is prohibited under the Americans with Disabilities Act.
5. Model Positive Social Behavior
The most effective way to keep children from being bullied, and from becoming bullies, is to make sure they grow up in loving relationships. Robert Fulgham succinctly put it, “Don’t worry that your children never listen to you. Worry that they are always watching you.”
Children learn both sides of every relationship, and they can act either one. Model positive parenting. If your discipline methods use power over your child, he will learn to use power over others, or to let others use power over him.
6. Teach Your Child Social Skills
Kids need to know they can get their needs met while being respectful of other people. Give him words to stick up for himself early on:
“I want a turn now.”
“Hey, I don’t like this.”
Roleplay with your child how to join a game at the playground, introduce themselves to another child at a party, or initiate a play date/sleepover. Kids who are successful in joining groups of kids usually observe first, and find a way to fit into the group, rather than just barging in. Make games out of social skills and practice at home. Encourage your child to join groups and clubs that s/he enjoys.
Other ways to raise an assertive child?
- Install a healthy self-esteem.
- Coach your child on positive self talk.
- Teach your children to learn from mistakes.
- Provide specific praise.
- Talk about friendship skills.
If your child still struggles with being assertive, take a look at our “Raising Assertive Kids” Masterclass with Katie Hurley, a renowned child and adolescent psychotherapist.
In this masterclass, Katie explains what may be getting in the way of kids being assertive and practical tools for helping them be assertive. This packed masterclass is one of the 60+ masterclasses you get when you join the AFineParent Academy today. Click here to learn more.
7. The Bystander: Teach Kids to Prevent Bullying When They See It
Bullying expert Michele Borba says that when bystanders — kids who are nearby — intervene correctly, studies find they can cut bullying more than half the time and within 10 seconds.
Your child will witness bullying at some point. Teach them what to do.
Partner with the victim and remove her from danger: Go stand with the victim physically, turn the victim away from the bully and walk her off in the other direction — towards adult help. Say “You look upset” or “I’ve been looking for you” or “The teacher sent me to find you.”
Get help: Bullies love an audience. Get the other kids on your side by waving them over to you, yelling, “We need your help.” Confront the bully: “You’re being mean.” Then walk away: “C’mon, let’s go!”
And of course, if you’re at all worried about safety, dial 911 or shout for a teacher.
8. Coach Your Child to Handle Teasing and Bullying
Research shows that bullies begin with verbal harassment. How the “victim” responds to the first verbal aggression determines whether the bully continues to target this particular child.
- Roleplaying with your child is a great way to prepare them to stand up to a bully. Knowing your child well can help you decide how to best do this. Point out to your child that the bully wants to provoke a response that makes him feel powerful, so showing emotion and fighting back are exactly what the bully feeds off. Explain that he can always control his own response. How s/he responds may exaggerate the situation or defuse it. Practice until your child is confident in handling difficult situations.
- The best strategy is always to respond evenly and firmly, maintaining the dignity of all children involved. Prepare your child with simple phrases that are direct and not antagonistic: “You know, I’m just going to ignore that comment.” “Don’t do that.” “No.” “Well, that’s what you think.” Then walk away.
- Teach your child to act brave, look the bully in the eye, and say one of these things. Practice until your child has a strong, self-assured tone.
- Assert by standing tall and using a strong voice. “Stop making fun of me. It’s mean.”
- Agree with the teaser. Consider helping your child create a statement agreeing with her teaser. Teaser: “Hey, four eyes.” Child: *Shrugs* “Yep, my eyesight is poor.”
- Ignore it. Bullies love it when their teasing upsets their victims, so help your child find a way to not let his tormentor get to him. Children offer these kid-tested ways to ignore teasers: “Pretend they’re invisible,” “Walk away without looking at them,” “Quickly look at something else and laugh,” and “Look completely uninterested.”
If your child is being bullied:
- Assure the child that you believe them and that they are not alone with this problem.
- Affirm that this is not their fault.
- Establish that there are things that you can do and develop a plan.
- Report the bullying to school personnel.
Take action when your child says bullied. Work as a team. Assess immediate safety, demand action, get involved, and stay on top of it.
9. When Your Child is the Bully
Nobody sets out to be the parent of a mean kid. But what do you do when you get a phone call that your child bullied? Rosalind Wiseman, author of Queen Bees and Wannabees urges parents to understand:
Roles change. Today the bullied. Tomorrow, the bully. Children are not fixed in their roles. Depending on the situation, children can just as easily be the bully as they can the target.
They have a private life. Parents must assume and accept that they won’t know everything that goes on with their child.
Kids have 2 sides. Children will act differently at home than they will at school. Your 7th grade son who kisses you goodnight before grabbing his stuffed animal will never show that side of himself to his friends.
You’re still a good parent. There are many reasons why parents aren’t aware of their child’s inappropriate behavior, and it’s not because the parent is irresponsible.
What to do if your child is the bully?
- Talk to your child about what happened.
- Show your child what they have done is wrong.
- Give your child ownership of the problem. No “if only,” blame shifting, or excuses.
- Help your child find a way of solving the problem that he created.
- Leave his dignity intact.
- Create opportunities to do good.
- Nurture empathy.
- Teach friendship skills.
- Engage in entertaining, energizing and constructive activities.
- Closely monitor technology. Children regularly exposed to media violence are apt to become desensitized to real life violence.
- Watch out for signs that you may be unknowingly encouraging bullying.
10. Get Involved
- Talk to your child’s school. Implement educational programs. Do they have an anti-bullying curriculum? Here are some you can suggest:
- The Bully Free classroom (K-12)
- Steps to Respect: A Bullying Prevention Program (Grades 3-5 or 4-6)
- Increase public awareness. Hold a meeting about bullying. Invite parents, teachers, school personnel and the media. Not a speaker? Invite an author of a bullying book or an educator to talk.
- Ensure your child’s school has consistent school rules and policies about bullying that are implemented and followed through.
- Is there supervision in high-risk areas? Some ideas to offer:
- Cameras
- Parent volunteers
- Older peer leaders
- Student council
The 2-Minute Action Plan for Fine Parents
Don’t be vague about bullying. Clarify what constitutes bullying. Pick one activity to bully proof your child today.
The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents
Pick one way you will take action, in your child’s school, in the community or online. How will you prevent a bullying incident?
Add Cliques: 8 Steps to Help Your Child Survive the
Social Jungle by me, Margaret Sagarese and Charlene C. Giannetti. It teaches about a tween’s social world, where your child fits, and how you can help.
Thanks for sharing this with us, Margaret.
having bullying issues with my daughter & reading up a lot on the issue, i find this article really sums it all up, thanks guys for this article,
Sorry to hear about your daughter’s bullying issues, Abe. And thanks for the kind words about the article. I hope you find a resolution soon. Wish you the very best!
Bullies only understand the fist. Parents can’t help because then the bully has more ammo to continue the bullying(tattle tale tattle tale). Teach your kid to stand up for him/her self. As a person who was bullied mercilessly at an abusive boarding school I found the only way to get them to stop(and half the time make a new friend) is to stand up and kick the crap out of the bully as best as possible. It doesn’t matter who wins or loses the fight(and we all know kids fighting is a fact and an integral part of learning social skills and self esteem, they will realize they can stop the bullying themselves without crying to mama every time someone hurts them or hurts their feelings which are like glass for kids these days) the simple fact is that the bully now knows that if they continue they’re going to get punched in the face repeatedly and they won’t want that. They will move on to someone who won’t fight back(bullies only pick on people that don’t fight back or stand up to them). This is the problem with all the bullying websites and help sites. They just say walk away or tattle on the bully which just makes it worse on your children. Pop the bully in the mouth a few times and it’ll stop. I learned this quickly and was no longer bullied and a lot of the time I made a new friend in the process.
I Agree I was bullied for years, and my mum told me to do everything that all the “Nice” books say, she was chairman of the school governors etc but Being nice does not work, you need to make it too costly for the bully to pick on you. They don’t have to be good at fighting they just need to be confident that they can land 1 shot. My advice buy your kid a punch bag, hang it in the garden and help them punch it. I still have scars from those years.
We shouldn’t be too violent though, just try to have a smart tounge
I agree with you XxtoranachxX! Childhood is hard and the only way to get threw it is pushing back. I might add pushing back is necessary but only when provoked if you stick to that motto you should never lose a fight. Why you may ask the only reason people will try you is they think your vulnerable they think. So it’s always some small kid trying to prove himself. That’s why I say if u never look for a fight u will always win the ones your forced into. Last thing I’ve personally made a friend everytime I’d put someone in there place if provoked once again. Its redicoulous but unfortunately true.
Great info thank you.
Except please please be careful about the Berestain book on bullying! It is potentially more damaging and confusing than helpful for a preschooler!!
Thanks, Nikki. Just curious – why did you think the Berestain book on bullying could be damaging and confusing for preschoolers? I remember reading it with my daughter a few years back, but don’t remember having that impression. I tried digging for that book, but can’t seem to find it now. Is there something in particular that bothered you? Or is it the general premise of Sister bear getting bullied and you think preschoolers might not be ready to read about yet? Again, I’m just curious to see what might have triggered your comment…
No help
Hi all! I am definitely on team #NOBULLYING, especially since the fact that I myself was bullied in different stages of my life even into adulthood. I truly understand the importance of raising children to be kind towards one another and consider the next persons feelings. I am so against bullying that I wrote a children’s book directly for children to see the different perspectives of how words can truly hurt. This reality troubles me SO MUCH that fom November 18 to November 19 I made it so that my book Bebe, and The Three Kind Friends will be FREE* as a Kindle E Book on Amazon. I would love to be a voice of empathy for children who have been bullied and possibly are still being bullied.
The link to this very relateble book:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B01C7SF4I0/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1510912767&sr=8-2π=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&keywords=britianna+k.+Williams
Once again this book is FREE* for digital download. I truly appreciate the ability to share my empathy and own personal view on the harshness of bullying towards kids.
Thank you~
This is a great article, I found out that my spouse was having an emotional affair with the help of someone that did a really good job of tracking locations, IM spy and so on for me. I would love to share my experience more but anonymously. You can email darkwebssolutions on gmail, they provide a very wide range of services like apps to monitor your kids and so on.
This is an excellent article. Unfortunately, last year my daughter was a victim of bullying by a girl (and her followers-power) that my daughter had considered her best friend. We are still working through issues and my daughter now doesn’t spend time with the group of girls that were her group from kindergarten to 4th grade. It makes me very sad.
Bullying is full of complexity. Like most things POWER and politics are involved with the adults that try to address these things too. The girl that was bullying is the Queen Bee. Her mother is very active in the PTA and volunteers at the school almost every day. She was also a person I considered a friend. Her involvement gives the girl even more power. My school did not act as it should . The PTA mom is in denial as to her daughters behavior and therefore supports the bullying behavior. I’m positive that the mother would disagree with this and say she “talked” to her daughter about the club and how it’s not right. But denial is making excuses for the other behaviors. The bully is a good student and can easily manipulate the adults/teachers by hiding her behaviors. Plus, I had individuals flat out tell me that they didn’t believe me because they knew the family and how active they are in the school. And I go back to …my school did not act as it should and I am positive it is because of who the family is.
My daughter did not make this up. The hate club was documented online and several girls came forward because they felt so bad about what was happening to my daughter… and later several parents contacted me to say that mean things were still happening and their daughters had shared with them what they witnessed. This was ongoing for about 6 months.
I think things have improved this year but I’m fearful for my daughter. (Things she experienced was making fun of the way she dresses, her school work, kids sticking out their tongues to her in class, saying “your stupid” when the teacher isn’t looking, exclusion -I think exclusion is still happening, a hate club was created with the purpose to engage others to be mean to my daughter.) As this was escalating, my daughter had a bday party and the things I witnessed from the bully were atrocious. She tried to ruin my daughters party – in front of me – didn’t even try to hide it – and was mean to my daughter – in front of me! and I was redirecting behavior as she did it. I shared with her mother a few of the things that happened but she made excuses for her daughter.
So, now its the next year. My daughter is better. She is resigned to the fact that she doesn’t have her old group of friends and we are trying to make new friends. We have 1 more year in this elementary school. I’ve spent so much money on counseling from bullying experts for my daughter and I. Money I don’t have but money well spent. It helped.
Now its still a balance. and a dance. The “former” bully is in a club with my daughter that I lead. I am trying to forgive and move on as this child tries to be a better person. Her mother is very active at school that gives her daughter more power. The mother structures things to give her daughter more power – I’d wager to say her mother would say its to give her “more opportunity.” Privilege starts young and sometimes with the best of intentions. In the meantime, I’m trying to be present and develop a shield of people to protect my daughter as well as giving her the tools to protect herself. I know the school won’t.
I’m right there with you accept my daughter is 17 in high school , she was very popular ,very pretty ,and a good student . It took one false rumor started by a girl in my daughters friend group, a girl who had just moved to our school district . She eventually turned every friend my daughter had against her as she went to each individual one by one with lie after lie . Fast forward a few months my daughter has been hospitalized, seeing therapist , barely attending school and has no self esteem left.
it makes me very sad to see my daughter this way, she is not the same person and she does not want me to get the school involved as she just wants it all to go away. Young adults do not realize the consequences of their words.
OMG, really?! You’re s better person than I. School gets 3 chances to end it. If they don’t, then *I* end it. It’s really simple and does t require a lengthy website with tips, either. You look that principal in the eye and say, “I’ve got a long dixument trail. You tell bully momma if her kid doesn’t stop, I apply for a PPO/restraining order”. You wouldn’t believe how magical those words are. It ends INSTANTLY. Schools certainly don’t want a PPO liability, either. Playing this game of “walk with a friend”, “have a plan of action”, and “tell someone” and all this other padded crap is ridiculous. This is all you need: You fix it or I will. PERIOD. Game over. Do not pass Go and do not collect $200.
So did you have to put in the PPO order ?
We experienced a similar situation with our autistic daughter. She is a sweet girl and had the same group of friends until after 4th grade. My daughter’s two best friends completely excluded her on a GS overnight trip at the beginning of 5th grade and she is in 7th grade now and still has very few friends. It is heartbreaking when your child says, “It’s ok, I don’t mind being alone.” I just finished my Masters paper on peer victimization and the research points out this is the time when bullying significantly increases. The good news is it usually starts to wane as kids move into high school. Oh, BTW, talked to both parents and it accomplished nothing. Allowing the child to break off the relationship without acknowledging their mean behavior positively reinforces the bullying and will lead to development of the “mean girl.”
my daughter has been press/ harassed physical and mental and once I went to complain to CPMA Middle school the VP did not took it to important. He ask for proof once he read all the threats of the schreeshots I had he still made it seem as if it was normal. It made me so mad that I plan on filing a complaint against the school. I ask for them to notified the parents and let them know what is going on and I don’t believe the families were at all called or informed.
My ten year old son is bullied by a kid at school, the only reasons anyone can come up with is that my son is a new student, taller , got instant attention from the girls in class and that he is quiet as the new kid. Not interested in having a girlfriend (at age 10… why would he) yet others make it a big deal.
My son has put up with it, the school has been notified several times, my son tells the kid to stop, leave him alone but ultimately feels sad and alone. He is ready to just grab the bully and throw him to the ground and pound him and I’m having a hard time telling him not to.
What’s a Dad suppose to do?
my 7 year old granddaughter is bullied by her father. told zhe is lazy and slow( playing sports). also criticized for eating habits. i dont know how to help.
I find this article like most leave out the responsibility of the schools to act on bullying once they’ve been made aware of it. Many times schools, teachers, and principals turn a blind eye to the bullying because in order to deal with it they would have to admit it’s taking place in they’re school which immediately opens them to lawsuits and they won’t do that. You really wanna help bullying make schools take responsibility.
This is a great article that shows the problems of school violence in our society. After all, it is not normal for children to be afraid to go to school because of bullying and violence. I was looking for interesting information about school violence and look what i found . There are many free essays on this topic that are worth reading. The main thing I realized after reading the essays – school violence – is a big problem that requires state intervention.
Sorry,im not a parent but my parent takes my issue like it is nothing.I feel sad because of this.The bullies are in a private van.They come from a different school.They are a group of bullies.When my parents come to interfere,they tell lies that im the one who is hurting them.Everyone pls find me a solution to get rid of this bullying
What should I do if I’m being bullied by my own parents ?
I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. Do you have close relative or friend that you can confide in? Is there a helpline that you can call? I am in Australia and there is something here called Kids Helpline which you can call and talk to trained professionals. I want you to know that you are not alone and there are people that you can trust. I will help you in anyway I can. Please contact me if you need a friend and someone to listen. It is not your fault.
My son is 15 years old and he is soo tall. People bullies him about his height. Wherever he goes people comment about his height and you can see that he really hate it. He does not go out, except to school. He is that child who always hide himself in the room when there are visitors. I really dont know how to help him anymore.
I Agree I was bullied for years, and my mum told me to do everything that all the “Nice” books say, she was chairman of the school governors etc but Being nice does not work, you need to make it too costly for the bully to pick on you. They don’t have to be good at fighting they just need to be confident that they can land 1 shot. My advice buy your kid a punch bag, hang it in the garden and help them punch it. I still have scars from those years.
Very interesting. Bravo.
I agree with you as well John!
nice