Ever wonder why we nag or scream at our kids so much? Have you ever really tried to get to the bottom of it?
I was (on occasion, still am) quite possibly one of the most impatient people on the planet. As far back as I can remember, I’d snap and lash out at the slightest provocation.
When my daughter was born, I knew I had to change. As she grew up and started to show us that her personality constituted of multiplied stubbornness from both sides of the family, I knew I really had no choice in this matter.
I have tried several times to quit out of the nag/scream/yell/boss-around habit.
Most often, what would happen is, I would be patient for a few days. My daughter would see it as a sign that I am softening up and would try to push the boundaries. I’d start nagging in an attempt to improve her behavior. This wouldn’t get me too far. And then one day, without much warning, I’d just explode.
We would both end up so drained after one of these episodes.
Obviously, my attempts to break my nagging/screaming/yelling habit were not panning out the way I wanted them to. But I didn’t want to give up just yet.
(On a side note, this was also the period when I adopted the “progress, not perfection” mantra 😉 )
I read parenting books, articles, blog posts – anything that would help me find a way out of this. And slowly a picture started to emerge of why we nag/scream at our kids so much and get stuck in vicious cycles of explosive outbursts.
Understanding this simple picture and realizing what can be changed (and what cannot) has been crucial to finally breaking out of the cycle!
You can visualize the explosive outbursts as consisting of four distinct stages.
Stage 1: Your child says or does something inappropriate.
Stage 2: You get angry
Stage 3: You nag/snap/yell
Stage 4: Your child gets upset/angry/rebellious
Sometimes, the cycle just repeats over and over, working up to a nasty tornado of bad feelings.
Other times, a cycle will play out once and you manage to suppress it. However, if either you or your child has not completely put it behind, then the next slightest provocation will result in the cycle playing itself out all over again, with higher intensity.
At first glance it seems like breaking the cycle completely is impossible.
But I am beginning to notice that by getting a better understanding of it, we can reduce one cycle from feeding off of the previous one and eventually, in the long-term, actually reduce it so much that it is as good as completely broken.
Let’s look at each of those stages in a little more detail –
Stage 1: Your child says or does something inappropriate.
This is what most parents focus their attention on. I know I did.
We try to order, beg, plead, cajole, convince or do whatever it takes to change the child’s behavior. And when the behavior does not change according to our liking, we move to stage 2 – of feeling annoyed, angry, frustrated etc.
The first thing to understand is, this is the stage that we have the least control over. We can try all we want, but we really cannot change another person’s behavior. Simple as that. We can influence change, but the only person who can actually change the behavior is the child herself.
Besides, in many cases, children (irrespective of their age) are young, inexperienced, impulsive or just not capable of some of the standards we set for them. So dwelling on this stage and attempting to magically change behavior is just a waste of time (and energy).
We can prevent this stage from happening in the first place (and we will look into that in the future articles), but once an inappropriate act is done, focusing on changing it is futile.
It is very important to understand this — without it, there is no point in moving forward.
So, stop, take a deep breath and acknowledge that while we can (and should) try to tell our children what the appropriate behavior is, expecting them to fall in line right away just ain’t happening.
Stage 2 & 3: You get angry, You snap/yell
This is where we have the most control. Unfortunately, changing this is also the hardest thing to do and most parents would rather not commit to work on it.
It’s so much easier to let loose and scream at your child in the name of discipline, than to actually acknowledge that what’s done is done, and now we have to change to ensure that it does not happen again. Not the child, but we have to change if we want to influence our kids to change.
Not an easy pill to swallow, I know. I resisted it with all my heart for as long as I could.
But I believe now, that it can be tackled. In small itty-bitty steps. Just by being a little mindful and proactive, we can make the change with a lot less effort than what it looks like it requires at first glance.
Let’s look at these two stages one at a time.
“Stage 2 – You get angry” is the tougher one of the two to break out of. Over time, we will want to master our anger and increase our patience, but when I tried to go cold-turkey and stop being angry as I mentioned above, I actually made the situation worse.
I wasn’t overcoming my anger – I was just bottling up my anger, and letting it out in one go, instead of releasing it out slowly. NOT FUN. 🙁
We parents are, after all, humans. We have our own issues, our own stress and our own baggage. It is just unrealistic to expect to stop getting annoyed, irritated or angry overnight.
So, while this is one of the places where we have control, progress is bound to be slow, and perfection will take its own sweet time to come by.
So for now, let’s put it on a “to-do” list and move on to Stage 3.
“Stage 3 – You snap/yell” – to me, this is the low hanging fruit. When I started working on this part, I could actually see some progress almost right away. Not regress, but real progress. Sweet.
The idea is simple. You don’t bottle up your feelings or avoid it all together in stage 2. Instead, you allow yourself to get angry. You become aware of your feelings. You even tell yourself that it is OK to be angry or irritated. And then you consciously work on your reaction to your feelings.
Ultimately, the one thing that we can actually control, is our own reaction to a situation.
If you have very little time and energy in your life to put habits in place, I believe working on this aspect (along with the prevention of the whole cycle in the first place) can offer the best ROI.
So, the key point to take away – prevent the whole cycle from starting in the first place, but if that fails, then the weakest link that can break the vicious cycle of explosive outbursts is to modify your own reaction to the situation.
Stage 4: Your child gets upset/angry/rebellious
The bad news here is, this is another stage where we have 0% direct control over.
The good news here is, this is a stage where we have 100% indirect control over 🙂
Stage 4 is essentially your child’s reaction to your own reaction to the situation. While you cannot control your child’s reaction, by modifying your own behavior in stage 3, you can eliminate the need for your child to react. Or at least reduce the negativity of the reaction so it won’t feed into the stage 1 of the next cycle.
So, there. A dissection of what goes on to make us act the way we do. What do you think?
Next week we’ll look at how to make sure we do not yell at our kids even when we are hopping mad. In the meantime, use the time this week just becoming aware of the cycle and see how soon you can be aware that you are “reacting” to your child…
The 2-minute Action Plan for Fine Parents
All the articles on this site will contain two “action-plan” sections at the end. The goal of the first one — the 2-minute action plan — is to get us to view whatever we read in the context of our own families. How does this apply to each of us individually? What can we take away for our own families?
The second action plan is a gentle nudge for us to take some kind of concrete action over the course of the next week or two.
OK, so for our 2-minute action plan today, think of the last time you burst out
- Split it up into the 4 stages – what was your child’s behavior, what were your feelings, how did you respond and how did your child respond to your behavior?
- Next, forgive yourself for your reaction. Shit happens. You won’t get anywhere by feeling sorry or feeling guilty.
- And then, think of what you could have done to react differently. Try thinking of one or two different alternative responses that may have elicited a different reaction from your child(ren). This will help you be more aware and better prepared when you are in a similar situation next time.
- Finally, could you have prevented the whole episode from happening in the first place?
The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents
This week the focus is just on awareness. Just watch and observe – both yourself and your kids. And the circumstances that surround an angry outburst.
Prevent the outbursts as best as you can – but don’t stress out if you are not all that successful. Control your reaction to your own anger and frustration to the best of your abilities. In the coming weeks, we will look at different prevention techniques and alternative reactions.
Eventually, we will be snapping/screaming/yelling at our kids a lot less.
Earlier I asked my 4 year old to get his spoon for dinner. He was playing a game at the time. He started to whine and shout. He has special needs so does this a lot but in hindsight I think it would be better for me to give him advance warning that his dinner would be ready soon so he knows whats coming rather than me surprising him with it and him feeling like im all of a sudden making him stop playing the game.
Anyway he came to get his spoon and pulled out a fork and started banging the draw. I got angry, held the draw shut and snatched the fork off him saying he needed a spoon. I took the spoon to the table and he threw himself on the floor crying that he wanted his fork. I would usually have sat at the table and left him too it maybe snapping at him to come sit down. However I sat next to him on the floor and offered him a hug which he eventually took and i explained that he needs a spoon not a fork and that it makes me sad to see him upset and banging draws, etc. He calmed down and apologised and came to eat his dinner.
I get criticised by some people for being too soft with him and giving him hugs and talking to him in a soft tone but due to his special needs I think im maybe doing the right thing and it seems to work as shown by the above. Im sure if id have taken a more hardline approach we’d have spent dinner being angry with each other and it would have turned into a battle
Michelle, Thanks so much for sharing your story!
I don’t know about the people who criticize you for being too soft, but I for one think you did an amazing job there! There is a lot of research these days that shows that punishing or being critical with kids does not work, and in fact, it has the opposite effect of alienating them from us. I think by giving your son a hug and explaining to him that he needs to use the spoon and not the fork *after he has calmed down*, you might have averted a huge power struggle! I’m currently reading a book called “Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids”… if you have some time, take a look at it. I think you might like it…
Michelle thank you for sharing your story. I have a special needs son as well. 6yrs old diagnosed with ASD.. boy o boy can it be challenging (where is my patience level?). I also find that talking to him in a lower tone of voice, and sitting next to him during one of his meltdowns does help. I myself have done the mistake in yelling /screaming at him and it only makes things worse, it can escalate to him getting aggressive, throwing things, or him just yelling back and being disrespectful. YELLING accomplishes nothing with him or my normal 4yr old daughter either all she does is talk back…
I am human and still react sometimes, when I am overwhelmed, and have soo much to do. Then I realize and apologize.
I try to take a breather, control , and take a kinder approach. things get resolved and then we are all back to being happy 🙂
Priscilla, Thank you for sharing your story!
I don’t think it’s possible not to get angry or annoyed with our kids at all! Even the calmest of the parents I’ve seen get frustrated from time to time. And considering parenting is one of the hardest job in the world — we are making human beings!!! — it is not surprising at all. So don’t blame yourself for being impatient from time to time. I think by being aware of your feelings, and trying to consciously control your reaction the best you can, you are doing an awesome job already! Keep doing what you are doing, and if you should ever feel the need, feel free to comment here or send me an email to vent out 🙂
Hi Sumathia,
You are right, yell is not good. it can come back and haunt a parent when they become teens. As parents; like you say we have to learn when we can and when we can not control the emotions of a child.
I always say pick your battles carefully. Some you can win and some not so much.
Rather than yelling we can get that look. You know that look a mother can get on her face or the tone of her voice and the kid knows…”I’m screwed” .
Great tips for curing the yelling habit. It does become a habit if we as parents are not careful.
Michelle it sound like you handled your situation very good. Keep up the good work.
Debbie
Hi, Debbie! So nice to see you here.
While I was reading your comment I was grinning all the time — reminded me of my childhood… My aunt is so famous for that “look in her eyes”… during the holidays that we spent with our cousins, sometimes they would suddenly stop mid-track and whisper “mom’s got that look in her eyes”, and we knew we better stop right away or we’d be in deep trouble 🙂
Thanks for stopping by and commenting!
Thanks everyone, and the blog and book recommendation Sumitha
Priscilla i can relate to everything you said haha xx
No problem, Michelle. I’ve much more to thank you for…. it’s stories shared by committed parents like you that turn a mere blog into a wonderful community worth hanging out at 🙂
Sumitha, your site is looking really good! Love all the little infographics sprinkled throughout your post. 🙂
Hey Ivan! Nice to see you here. I had fun putting those illustrations together… after all, a picture is worth a thousand words 🙂
hi
Stage 2: we get angry! I have a small theory on this aspect…will try and explain via an analogy. Say u have hurt your knee and there is a wound.. your kid playing ball ends up inadvertently hitting your knee…ur immediate reaction in pain and anger is yelling that couldnt he watch when he/she is playing etc etc even though the actual cause of your wound is not your kid…he/she just inadvertently brought it to the forefront with no intention to hurt…if the same knee was fine and unhurt and your kid’s ball hit you ..you would be playfully bouncing it back. The wound here in lots of cases is our own past baggages, hurt, frustrations and pent up unresolved issues…these cause impatience and anger at the drop of a hat. While we work on the other stages it will be worthwhile that we start our inner journey of introspection to find our areas of personal healing through forgiveness and gratitude. Over time we will find that lesser situations with our kids actually provoke us and we respond more and react less.
I find this a sustainable approach and it has personally helped me in becoming a more patient mom, having lesser anger outbursts.
Jaya, What a wonderful insight this is! Thanks for explaining it so well using that analogy! I agree with you entirely on this — a lot of the time, it is the baggage we carry that makes us lose our patience in some situations, while staying calm in others. I think dealing with our inner struggles, and healing our own wounds, will be a great exercise to work on in one of the future months — don’t you agree? I will start thinking of ways to express this in an article.
I appreciate your insightful comment. Sorry for the delay in response — I just realized that my blog is not sending me emails when there are new comments, another teething issue that I need to resolve 😉
What Jaya said resonated with me. When I’ve got my own issues affecting me, I am less patient with my kids. E.g. if there is clutter in the house or car or other over stimulating things I get annoyed more easily. Rather than stifle my kids’ fun, e.g. singing in the car, I complement their singing but ask them to do it more softly. Often times I just tell them that mommy is stressed and they ask why and I tell them about a problem at work (in a way 5 and 7 year-olds can understand ). It actually helps lower my stress and they seem to appreciate hearing about the grown up world. Sometimes I get creative problem solving suggestions from them that put a smile back on my face. I wish I could be less high strung…I organize the fake food in the toy kitchen for gosh sakes!
I couldn’t agree with you more, Carrie. And while some of the cute, creative solutions kids offer may not be practical, they sure can bring a smile on the face and reminds me of the sheer innocence of childhood. Which in it’s own way helps diffuse the situation.
While reading Jaya’s response and yours, I realized that we’ve identified two different causes of underlying hurt/issues that can cause us to unintentionally/unnecessarily pounce on our kids: (a) baggage that we carry from our own past and (b) the stresses of everyday life, be it work, home or our immediate surroundings. And just today, I realized that there is a third one that is very common: (c) how tired we are. For instance, I did not get enough sleep the past few nights (slept late reading a book I couldn’t put down, but still had to wake up in the mornings to get kiddo ready for school) and it caught up with me by yesterday and I was getting very snappy with very little provocation. Today afternoon, I finally explained to my daughter that I don’t want to feel snappy anymore and was going to get some rest. She seemed to understand and let me sleep without disturbing. I don’t like daytime naps, but at least now, I am not waiting to take someone’s head off at the slightest provocation 😉
It’s helping me so much to identify these situations – will make not yelling in the future a whole lot easier since I know now what’s really triggering it, more often than not. Thanks, ladies!
And by the way, you are not “high strung”! Very well organized, perhaps, but nope, not high strung 😉
I really enjoyed the dissection of outbursts! The visual was great and it really helped me to step back and see it for what it is.
I have a strong-willed 2.5 year old and saying the same thing 30 times per day (ex, “don’t grab the dog’s tail”) gets so irritating and frustrating! After the redundancy of the issue, by the end of the day I’m just all kinds of snappy which inevitably leads him to major meltdowns in the evenings and rough evening altogether.
Tonight I’m going to brainstorm better ways of handling the issue (maybe just not saying anything and physically moving him? Or find some kind of redirection?) and write them down to hopefully “rewrite our story” and have a different response as second nature. If nothing else, maybe I can work on a “pause” (5 breaths?) between stages 2 and 3 to hopefully stop stage 3 from occurring altogether.
I’m looking forward to the rest of this series!! Thanks for the info!
April, Thanks so much for your kind words.
And good luck with breaking out of the cycle! It looks like you already have some great ideas on how to proceed. Based on your comment, I have no doubt that you will figure out a make this second nature. I’ll be here to remind you every now and then 😉
Raising a strong-willed child can be very challenging for parents — mine is pretty strong-willed too. But just as they are such a handful to manage, they are so much joy when things work smoothly. So let’s hang in there and make this a fulfilling experience!
P.S.: Sorry for the late response. I did not realize that you had commented since the email notification I had set up doesn’t seem to be working. I will try to resolve it soon. Hopefully, by your next comment, I will we setup to respond a lot faster 😉
Hi Sumitha
Firstly congratulations on the wonderful blog. I loved the idea of your blog and your manifesto for parenting is the kind of parent I want to be.
I have a 2 year old daughter who is very strong willed and a 3 month old daughter.
Here’s my incident : I try to limit the amount of screen time my daughter gets ( phone, tv, iPad, etc) to an hour a day. But once she gets the device she is so engrossed in it she doesn’t want to give it back. Of course she doesn’t understand the concept of time and that she has limited screen time. So I resort to hiding it from her. Out if sight out of mind.
Anyway I work from home and on my first day back from maternity leave I was on a confernce call and she heard me talking and threw herself against my home office door because she wanted the phone. It made me very upset being on a work call and all and I reacted my yelling at her. Which led to another meltdown by her and caused me to get angrier. Redirection does not work when she is throwing a fit of rage like that. However if I wouldn’t hv yelled at her. She wouldn’t have thrown another big tantrum.
How to avoid it in the first place – right now all I can do is make sure she doesn’t see the phone iPad etc. I am at a loss trying to figure out a better alternative.
Pallavi, Thanks so much for sharing your story. We had a similar situation… when we started our daughter on solids it was hard to keep her still long enough to feed and I used to have a very stressful job then and lacked severely in the patience department…. long story short, we ended up letting her watch the laptop while we stuffed food in her mouth, which ended up into a habit.
As you can imagine this created all kinds of problems – she didn’t want to eat without the laptop, she had no idea what she was eating which can result in all kinds of future eating problems, and finally what you mentioned – when dinner was done, she didn’t want me to turn off the laptop.
Here’s what we ended up doing – maybe something along these lines with appropriate alterations will work for you?
– We transitioned her from “TV during dinner” to “TV after dinner”. I don’t remember exactly what the trigger was but I think it was just after a trip to India when all our old routines were disrupted anyway.
– She complained and refused to eat. But unless she finished eating within the stipulated time, no TV. We had a couple of days of monster meltdowns, but we held fast. The key is that we tried to “be on her side” by trying to help her get her dinner done by the stipulated time. I even gave her less food, and her favorite foods during those days to make the transition easier.
– After dinner, she got to eat fruits while watching TV.
– We use netflix on the laptop, so it runs for a fixed 20 – 30 minutes (depending on what show she is watching). When the episode is done, TV is switched off. At first there was some fuss, but eventually we came out with the rule that if she fussed after she’s done watching TV, then no TV the next day.
– We stuck to our rules no matter what.
I wish I could say that the transition was easy, it wasn’t. But honestly, it wasn’t quite as bad as I expected it either. Now, that she is much older, she will not even ask for the laptop if she does not finish her dinner on time and switch off the laptop herself when she is done watching one episode. I know what a big thing that is for a strong-willed kid who does not like transitions — makes my heart swell with pride 🙂
Hang in there. You will figure something out. Don’t worry about “the right way to do it”… Just commit a few days to it, resolve to stay empathetic no matter how much your buttons get pushed, and even when you lose it, forgive yourself and keep going. You’ll make it. Good luck!
Thank you so much Sumitha! Lovely response to Pallavi’s question. I had the same problem how you said always used to see parents just feeding kids without kid realizing what they are eating as they engrossed in there show but lately I have started same n feeling so guilty each meal time. Will try your trick hope can do it as a parent you become so impatient at times. Thank you so much .
Thanks for your kids words, Mahek. Glad you found some ideas to try with your family. Good luck!
Nice article Sis,
For me writing in here is like getting in the confession box. I have not been an understanding father for some time now. What I felt, personally, is that raising a child from a mother’s point of view is quite different from a father’s point of view. Its ofcourse me who is slipping out but am trying to focus on whats going wrong.
What I have observed that when I play a lot with my kid, games or just a stroll, we get connected and we interact. But when I dont get time to do that, I kinda get seperated from him. I get frustrated when he dosent listen or does something he shouldnt be doing. Most of the times I get to be a discipline freak. At the end of the day I feel bad. I think spending quality time with him would offer to solve few problems.
Confess away, Vinod 🙂 And once it is off your chest, do what you should to solve things… you already know the solution…. you have mentioned it in your comment yourself! Good luck! It will be hard at first, but the effort will be well worth it!
Great blog!! I’m really excited about exploring all of your articles to date and joining in on the journey ahead…
Love the manifesto and knew I was in the right place when you referenced ‘Parenting for a peaceful world’ and ‘How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk’ – two of my all-time favourite resources!!
I found your blog a couple of days ago because I googled ‘how to stop nagging/screaming at my kids’… and bingo – I found you!! The whole yelling/screaming/anger thing is something I so want to move beyond so thank you, thank you, thank you for giving me a place to start… I’m not sure I’m going to like what I notice when I take time to ‘observe’ but really want to understand why, and am ready to work towards a more peaceful and satisfying way of being with my kids.
Welcome aboard, Renee! So glad you found us. And thank you for that wonderful comment… it’s comments like these that make me want to keep writing 🙂
Sorry you got into the yell/scream cycle. But so glad to hear you are working towards a more peaceful and fulfilling way to be with your kids. I’ll be honest with you – the journey out of the yelling/screaming was pretty hard for me… at first, I failed more than I succeeded and it was very frustrating. But it’s been a while now and I can’t tell you how happy I am that I decided to stay the course. My relationship with my daughter is so much more beautiful and meaningful. I feel really connected to her, and know that I can guide and influence her as/when necessary. It’s such a world apart from the feeling of desperation and lack of influence I used to feel when I yelled and screamed!
Wish you the very best in this journey !!! Stay the course, and eventually, it will all work out.
I did the same thing with googling and found you. In my childhood I used to hate it when my mum got angry or nagged me, so much so that I tried to organise a little run away from home!! Now I’m a parent myself, I’m noticing I’m doing the same thing! But I’m at a loss to how else I can react when an instruction is not followed after its repeated 5 times. Have read this post as the first step to your mini course, hope it’ll help.
I have a 2 month old and an almost 3 year old. I have recently gone back to work after my maternity leave ended and the lack of sleep and attempting to perfect the art of “leaving the house in the morning on time” routine has been a struggle. I find myself I yelling at my 3 year to get her shoes on, hurry and finish eating her breakfast, put a toy down ect and I see how she reacts to this. Which in turn will make me feel terrible because we are all such a mess. I am so grateful that I have found this page as I know that if I can control how I react with her that things in the morning, and through out the day, will go smoother. I am excited to take the journey to better myself as a parent.
Ouch, Jessica… I feel for you. I remember the time when I had to get back to work. At first I had my parents to help, but later I would drop my daughter off at daycare. The hurry to get out the door mixed in with the latent guilt of dropping your child off at daycare can create real havoc in our minds.
Take care. Try to control your reaction, and when you slip up (I’m afraid, at times you *will*, no matter how hard you try), be kind to yourself and cut yourself some slack and vow never to give up. Tomorrow’s another day… another chance for a fresh start. Good luck!
Dear Sumitha,
After reading numerous parenting articles, yours was one that truly made sense, in that it explained the “why”. What i loved best about it, is that it told a harried parent, where not to focus…thank you. I have a very rebellious 13 yr old and a 9 yr old who is beginning to follow in her footsteps…a result, I’m sure of our own reactive parenting. Is it too late to fix things?
Oh Mahrukh, I am so sorry to hear that. I can imagine what you might be going through right now.
I am a parent just like you and not a qualified parenting expert… so I cannot really advice. I would like to believe though that it’s *never* too late… kids of all ages (including grown up adults!) want to make peace with their parents. So 13 and 9 don’t seem old to me at all — just the work you’ll have to put in get the train back on track may be a little more than someone with younger kids.
Have you read the book “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk”? I really, really love that book and can’t recommend it enough.
Another resource I highly recommend is Dr. Laura Markham’s blog ahaparenting.com and her book “Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting”. They are both awesome and the blog in particular is a treasure trove of information for a parent looking to transform her ways (no matter how old your kids are).
Good luck — I wish you the very best!
Thanks for this. I have 3 children, and after watching them for a while I find that not reacting can actually make Part 4 worse because I am not doing what they expect. I look forward to reading more on this topic 🙂
Glad you liked it, Sharon. You’re right. I’ve noticed that some of the “misbehavior” from my daughter is a call for attention as well and when I don’t respond at all, it only makes things worse. On such occasions, if I can manage to provide a level-headed, positive response (not always the case, but I’m trying!) things usually fizzle out very quickly. I’ve also noticed that these cycles happen a lot less these days. I have a few articles coming your way over the next few weeks that might give you ideas of how to respond positively. I hope you find them helpful!
Thanks once again but reading about this cycle I really can’t get how I solve my problem. I have 2.6 year old daughter. She recently started nursery. It’s been three weeks she is still not happily going she cries. But it’s adjusting period can understand. As she comes back she will keep slamming doors n now she does that it’s become daily thing. She will suddenly pick bowls n mugs n throws it. So I once or twice told her n explained her calmly see we should not break things it’s getting hurt too. I stay in joint family so grandparents love her so much keep saying don’t say anything on that my anger goes higher. So please explain how I break cycle in this as I do yell at her n things are getting bad. Thanks,
Mahek
Starting nursery is a huge transition for kids, Mahek. Your daughter is expected to behave “good” all day long and that takes a lot of effort. Maybe it drains out all her energy quota, and when she comes home, she feels safe enough that she doesn’t have to push herself to keep behaving anymore.
I went through something similar with my daughter. My suggestion would be to try distraction and redirection until the old pattern is broken and replaced by something healthier.
At one point with my daughter, I would take a snack with me when I went to pick up her up and we would stop at a park on the way home and have a “picnic”. Since it was a weekday, we had just 10 – 15 minutes. But that provided a nice buffer that made the transitions easier. She would eat and run around a bit, and when she got home, she was in a much more mellow mood chattering away, instead of being a bundle of energy trying to take her aggression out on everything in her way.
Other options that have worked for us as she grows up are Legos, play doh, craft projects, involving her in my cooking, giving her a few veggies and letting her make a salad (even if it means she adds sugar and salt together as dressing and we have to dump the whole thing out), a bath where I let her play with water for a while and slowly discussing her day before washing her down and so on.
Think of some major transition in you own life (maybe when you got married or just had a baby) and think of how unsettling the first few days/weeks/months were. What would make you feel better – someone dictating what you should do or not do all the time, or someone giving you a safe, loving place to figure your way around in the new world? Hold on to that thought as you think of your daughter going through a major upheaval in her little world and it will make “not yelling” much easier.
Good luck!
Thank you for this course! I have learned a lot already!
So glad it has resonated with you, Tammi! I’m so glad that you have joined us in this journey.
Thank you Sumitha, this is very well written. I’m desperately trying to get out of a yelling rut with my 7 year old. I go to bed nearly every night overwhelmed with guilt and remorse as I go over the day’s frustration and yelling and my lack of patience through it all. I’m going to really try and follow your advice through your articles.
Thank you so much for your kind words, Gowri! It’s hard, but if you keep trying, I can assure you, things will turn around. I haven’t stopped yelling completely yet, but am a lot more patient now and can handle situations a lot more calmly even when I lose patience. Wish you the very best!
We have moved around a lot over the last few years as my husband was airforce. My step daughter at school really struggles to stay seated, complete her work, stay in line, follow directions. She behaved the week before Christmas at school so she would get her gifts (in her words) and now there is nothing coming up she has gone back to mis behaving. The school is sending her to the vice principal and now principal, at home she gets one on one attention so does her work but at school she obviously doesn’t. She is 7 any suggestions? I’m really struggling!
Sorry to hear that, Laura. There is a lot of research that seems to suggest that rewards can be counter-productive — I particularly like the way this article explains it. Maybe this is what you are observing?
That said, I have found that small rewards are indeed very helpful in creating habits in my daughter. The idea is that instead of using rewards for instant gratification and good behavior, you would use it for building longer term habits which stay even after the reward is removed. For instance, at one point we had a reward chart to smooth out our mornings (finish breakfast on time, get ready on time etc.) Over a period of time, my daughter got into a more-or-less smooth morning routine which has stuck long after the reward chart has been forgotten. I have written about it in detail here if you are interested. Take a look. You might be able to tweak it and twist it to fit your needs.
Good luck. You will figure something out!
Thank you! That article shows a perspective I hadnt considered! I will try to actively let her know I notice more and get out of the good job/not so good recognition. We have rewarded good behaviour and taken away for bad behavior. I will most definitely give this ago. Thank you so much
No Problem. Wish you the very best!
Thank you so much for sharing and for all of your work in putting this together for all of us! I have been looking for something helpful & concrete to help me change and be more patient and yell less. Your website & articles are JUST what I need & the most concrete & helpful resource to date! Thank you so much! Becky
This is lovely :o) I admire your creating a community for striving (and sometimes struggling) parents. My own kids are 20 and 17 and I think we have pretty good relationships. But I recently have a new foster daughter (sort of a niece rather suddenly placed with me) who has had much trauma in her past, and many special needs. I mostly only find myself feeling angry if I get too tired — the rest of the time it helps a lot that I know her past is a major cause of her present behavior difficulties. But she is 10, and I’m fearful that I won’t have enough time to build a strong relationship with her to get us through her teenage years. Also, with my own kids, I didn’t work full-time when they were little, but I do now, so time is even less.
I’m doing my best to work on “that look” which is loving but says “no-nonsense.” Last night when I tried it, she stomped off to her ‘safe space’ (a small room we have for her with a bean bag, soft pillows, etc, but nothing hard or destructible–where we have her definitely go if she gets violent, but she can also go anytime she wants a break). When she came back, she looked angry and pouting at me and said “I dont like it when you get mad at me.” Given that “the look” is something I’m trying to use to stop any disrespectfully mean/violent/defiant behavior, it makes sense that she associates it with anger. (Even if I’m using it strategically rather than angrily). So I didn’t say “I’m not angry,” I just talked with her about how her behavior is “not fun for me” and that I’d much rather finish our task (we were working on spelling) and then go do the movie-watching that we’d planned. She seemed ok with that… one day at a time…
Wow, you seem amazingly calm, Lisa. And your actions are so well thought out and intentional. I think your new “bonus” daughter might take a little time, but eventually she will appreciate what you are trying to achieve and you will have with her the same kind of deep, meaningful relationship that you have with your other kids.
Thank you so much for sharing this with us. Wish you the very best!
Dear Sumitha I want a suggestion for a problem, my daughter 8 years old , she always tares her books and wrapers hardly with in amonth, I have to wrape her books nearly 3 to 4 times a year. I have tried all possible ways for changing this attitude but I am success. Please do suggest some ideas.
Hi, Vijaya. I understand your frustration. If I were in your place I would probably –
a) Have a chat with my daughter to understand why she goes through so many wrappers? What can she do to make sure they last longer? Does she understand that it costs money to buy the wrappers and time to actually wrap it?
b) Once I understand the situation a little better we could start looking for solutions. For instance, can we buy a different kind of wrapper that lasts longer? Can we set a limit on the number of wrappers I will buy and any further tears will have to be repeared with wrappers that come out of her pocket money? Can she learn to wrap the books herself so I don’t get involved in this at all, and hence not deal with the frustration?
I think at 8, your daughter is old enough to understand what frustrates you and work with you on coming up with a solution. Once you both put your frustration aside, and talk it out, you can come up with something that works for both of you. You may have to be patient while she learns how to wrap the books herself, but learning to do things on her own is an important part of growing up and a great investment of your time. Good luck!
Dear Sumitha I tried all those that you have said, I made her to sit with me while wrapping the books, I explained the cost and also how tough to earn that money( I can’t change the wrapper given in school). She can understand my feelings and she says that she wont repeat, but does the same.
That’s great, Vijaya. You are on the right track. You have taught her what you can. Now pass the responsibility to her.
Sit with her and respectfully explain to her that from now on, she is responsible for her own wrappers… from raising the money to buy the wrappers to buying it to wrapping it. You will do it once at the beginning of school year (or twice or whatever you think is reasonable) and beyond that she is responsible for any new wrappers required. You will help her, but she is to lead. So, she can get the money from her piggy bank, or she can raise the money by doing chores. And you can take her to the store, but she has to hand over her money and buy the wrapper herself. And instead of having her sit by you, you will sit by her as she does the wrapping.
There will likely be tears and some pleading the first few times around, but remember, we are positive parents, not permissive parents. We absolutely need to teach kids responsibility, without which they won’t last in the outside world. We just have to do it with love and respect. So, no matter how frustrated you get in the process, commit to not raising your voice. Stay calm and support her, but don’t do the work for her. Stay respectful and do not shame or use punitive words… instead shower encouragement every time she gets things right. At the same time, if she refuses to do the task herself, respect that and let her be. Let her face the natural consequences of her choices at school. All this is not easy, especially if you’ve being doing things for her, but she is about the age where she can take on more responsibility and by letting her learn from her actions, you not only make things simpler for both of you, you also help her become the strong, self-assured woman she is capable of becoming!
Now, after all this, if she still goes through a lot of wrappers, it is OK. It is now her business. You should not worry about it anymore. It’s hard to let go as parents, but if we don’t, we do them more disservice than good!!!
Dear Sumitha, thank you for your blog! I am 35yr old mother of 3 boys, aged 13, 6 & nearly 18 months old. They are such gorgeous boys & I love them very much, however, there are times I just feel so exhausted & overwhelmed by the demands of holding down a full time job & evenly providing attention to all of them. To make the situation worst I have a grown up kid(my husband)who works two jobs, in order to provide us with the comfort we have. A simple glass/cup left in a place where it should not be can set me off, into a monster of a mom, where I will yell, scream & even resort to say the most negative things to my kids! This will eventually resort in them becoming fearful, to the extent that they distance themselves from me, looking at me like I’m crazy, funny thing is, I wonder if I am, LOL. I end up locking myself in the bathroom, going into a sobbing mess, without them even having the slightest idea.
I have read some of your articles & tried very hard to change the way I react towards them, even introducing fun ways to relieve the stress & just simply leaving the house work, this seems to work brilliantly, however after the fun is over, I am still the one saddled with all that needs to be done, please help, I want my kids to be the best they can be & not resort to all the negative things to express there unhappiness or feeling.
Thank for your kind words, Mellissa. I am so sorry that you are caught in that situation. I am not a parenting expert, and learning this as I go. Here’s what I would try to do in your place –
a) Sit your kids down and explain to them what is happening. Your oldest is old enough to understand, and the youngest will benefit just from watching.
b) Ask for their help in making your house a scream-free, peaceful zone. Tell them that you often scream/yell because you are overwhelmed and would like to change that with their help. Then brainstorm together to look for
– any chores that they can take over
– any chores that can be eliminated
– any chores that can be simplified
c) Make a list and tape it to the fridge so it acts as a reference and a constant reminder
d) Speak with your husband to see if there are somethings you can outsource
e) Develop a support network and see if you can swap free evenings (ex: Can you take on your sister/neighbor/friend’s kids for one evening a week, in exchange for them to watch yours?). On your free evening, indulge yourself — go shopping, relax in the tub or read a book. Absolutely no chores at that time.
f) Keep looking for other options to simplify
Once you are intentional about simplifying your life, things have a way of falling in place. Good luck!
This cycle is one ive noticed. i have twins the age of two something i noticed as far as prevention is attention, they dont seem to want to share mommy. Usually going through stages where one or the other will be excessively whiney throughout the day unless i am holding him. I do my best to encourage playing but it usually ends in a crying fit of one not sharing a toy with the other or purposly taking something the other one is attached to. Any ideas for sharing?
Wow, looks like you have your hands full, Aleshia. I don’t have specific ideas at the moment, but I know a book that I think might help you a lot. When you get a chance check out Dr. Laura Markham’s “Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings” book. It is jam packed with practical tips that are backed by research to handle exactly the situations like these. Good luck!
Sumitha,
I can’t thank you enough for your articles. I have been trying to break the yelling/nagging cycle and haven’t had much success, until I found this blog and read several articles. I have a 7-year old very easy-going daughter, and a 4-year old Energizer Bunny son. He started Pre-K this fall and had to get used to “no nap during the day” schedule. When we get home at the end of the day, first thing I ask is that they both unpack their lunch boxes so I can do the dishes, and then they can go play before dinner. The other day my son refused to unpack his lunch box and threw it on the floor. I asked him nicely again to please unpack his lunch box, but he dropped to the floor and covered his face. Before I read your articles, I would have raised my voice, snapped at him and probably ended up taking something away as punishment for not listening. End result: grumpy kid, who would continuously test me throughout the night by throwing things and hitting his sister, and a mother with a headache. But after reading your post, I took a pause and observed him before reacting. It finally dawned on me that he is probably just tired because not napping during the day is still new and exhausting for him, but he just doesn’t know yet how to express that. So instead of snapping at him, I came over and gave him a hug. I could tell he was surprised because he immediately stopped crying, and after a couple of seconds hugged me back. I asked him if he was acting this was because he was tired and needed help with his lunch box. He said yes, and I told him he can always ask mommy for help. I helped him with his dishes, he gave me another hug and ran off to play. For the rest of the night he was a sweet cooperating boy!!! And for the first time in ages I didn’t feel like dropping dead by bedtime. I know I still have a lot to work on to break out of the yelling cycle, but with the help of this post, I really think it’s possible.
Thank you so much and I can’t wait to read other articles.
Lana
Awwww… thank you so much for sharing that wonderful story with us, Lana. I love listening to success stories 🙂 Things may not always work out as well, but if you stick with it, eventually things do fall in place. I wish you the very best in making the positive approach the default and hopefully, some day the snapping/yelling will be a thing of the past. Good luck!
Nice write up.You yelled at a child you keep the spirit in a child..Every little child mistakes is as a result of his way of thinking with his capability so as to see mayb what he was doing will work out…Just this year,Mark Zukerberg celebrated a young child Tobi for creating a game,Do u know if Tobi’s parent have yelled at him to just focus on his book,his dream might have being shattered and he might not be able to come up with the game and not be discovered.Shout at a child and you kill his spirit for both the positive and negative things which he wanted to do..This are some of the things we should write on more often because this kids are the future of both you and me…
Sumitha Bhandarkar, i pitched you of and idea,still haven’t gotten your feedback.Hope to get you feedback soon.
You’re right, Mich… we need to nurture a child’s spirit.
I am sorry I did not respond to your pitch. My inbox sometimes gets crammed and a few mails fall through the cracks. I am all set with articles for the moment though. Thank you for your interest in writing for us!