A Fine Parent

A Life Skills Blog Exclusively For Parents

About Amy Greene

Called a “modern-day Mary Poppins,” Amy Greene helps parents transform conflict into connection so that family-life is more fun and rewarding. She honed her parenting skills by practicing on other people’s children as a middle and high school teacher, tutor, and nanny.

How to Be a Gentle Parent Who Raises Tough Kids That Can Take On the World

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(This article is part of the Positive Parenting FAQ series. Get free article updates here.)

Gentle Parenting - Main PosterWhat do you do when your child wants to quit?

Imagine that your 9-year-old daughter greets you with a look of dread when you pick her up from swim practice. Her coach wants her to swim the 100-meter breaststroke in the upcoming meet.

In tears, she says, “Please, Mom. Please help me. I’m still going to be swimming when the other girls are getting out of the pool and the next heat is getting on the blocks. I’m really that slow.”

How can you provide emotional support while still encouraging her to not give up too easily? How do you even know whether she’s up for such a challenge?

Can you let go of control and trust her to make a good decision?

This is the real-life dilemma Brené Brown faced in her book Daring Greatly.

daring-greatly-book-cover-282x418Her heart ached for her daughter. She desperately wanted to spare her the possible humiliation. She also wanted her daughter to learn that her worthiness does not depend on winning or losing, and that both her parents would stand by her, no matter what. She came up with one of the most compassionate, courageous solutions I could have imagined.

[Read more…]

How to Be a Positive Parent Even if You Weren’t Raised by One

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(This article is part of the Be Positive series. Get free article updates here.)

What is Positive Parenting - Main PosterDo you ever feel doomed to being just like your parents, even though you’re trying hard to do better?

I know how hard it is to try being a positive parent when you’ve been raised in a punitive home.

Like me, you may have grown up in a home where spanking, hitting, yelling, or shaming were the main “discipline techniques.” And now maybe you’re horrified to find yourself resorting to these techniques, too.

I lay SweetPea down on the floor to change her diaper. Immediately she twists her hips to flip over so she can crawl away. Clenching my jaw, I flip her on her back again and try to distract her with singing, but she is intent on reaching her activity center. Unbidden, the image of my hand slapping the soft, tender flesh of her thigh flashes through my mind.  I take a deep breath. I acknowledge my own frustration. I decide she and I both need a break from the struggle. “We’ll try again in a few minutes,” I say as I let her go and she happily crawls away.

My impulse to lash out comes naturally to me; I absorbed it from my parents. I’ve spent the last 15 years as a teacher and nanny learning how to react differently and overcome these unbidden impulses so that I don’t pass them on to my daughter.

The good news is that it doesn’t have to take you 15 years to start becoming a more positive parent! I’ll share with you how I healed from childhood wounds and techniques you can use now to re-write your parenting scripts.

Choosing a Better Way

Re-creating the same negativity is not our destiny; we can choose a better way to raise our own kids.

The question, of course, is how?

Despite our best intentions, the things our parents said to us often become the same dreaded words we say to our kids.

“Because I said so.” 

“Stop that crying right this instant.” 

“That’s it! No TV for you tonight.”

Like my momentary impulse to slap my daughter when she resists diaper changes, the way we were parented becomes our automatic default response.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. [Read more…]