Do you ever feel doomed to being just like your parents, even though you’re trying hard to do better?
I know how hard it is to try being a positive parent when you’ve been raised in a punitive home.
Like me, you may have grown up in a home where spanking, hitting, yelling, or shaming were the main “discipline techniques.” And now maybe you’re horrified to find yourself resorting to these techniques, too.
I lay SweetPea down on the floor to change her diaper. Immediately she twists her hips to flip over so she can crawl away. Clenching my jaw, I flip her on her back again and try to distract her with singing, but she is intent on reaching her activity center. Unbidden, the image of my hand slapping the soft, tender flesh of her thigh flashes through my mind. I take a deep breath. I acknowledge my own frustration. I decide she and I both need a break from the struggle. “We’ll try again in a few minutes,” I say as I let her go and she happily crawls away.
My impulse to lash out comes naturally to me; I absorbed it from my parents. I’ve spent the last 15 years as a teacher and nanny learning how to react differently and overcome these unbidden impulses so that I don’t pass them on to my daughter.
The good news is that it doesn’t have to take you 15 years to start becoming a more positive parent! I’ll share with you how I healed from childhood wounds and techniques you can use now to re-write your parenting scripts.
Choosing a Better Way
Re-creating the same negativity is not our destiny; we can choose a better way to raise our own kids.
The question, of course, is how?
Despite our best intentions, the things our parents said to us often become the same dreaded words we say to our kids.
“Because I said so.”
“Stop that crying right this instant.”
“That’s it! No TV for you tonight.”
Like my momentary impulse to slap my daughter when she resists diaper changes, the way we were parented becomes our automatic default response.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. Dan Siegel, author of The Whole-Brain Child
My journey began when I embraced Positive Parenting.
What is Positive Parenting?
Let’s first get on the same page as to what positive parenting is.
To me, positive parenting is a way of responding to our kid’s needs and emotions with sensitivity, keeping in mind where they are developmentally. Positive parenting helps us:
- Ask, “What does my kid need?” and “How can I help?” rather than “How can I get her to do what she’s told?”
- Focus on solving problems, not controlling behaviors
- Avoid punishments, such as spanking, time-out, “consequences,” grounding, shaming, and name-calling
- Honor both our child’s and our own needs
- Acknowledge the developmental drives and limits of kids at different ages
In Unconditional Parenting
When SweetPea resists diaper changes, this means recognizing that her body and mind are geared toward movement right now. Rather than punishing her or forcibly holding her down, I capture her attention with songs, give her toys to bang together, or ask her to touch her nose, her head, her belly. Sometimes, it means letting her go diaper-free for a few minutes, or pulling out a disposable diaper, which goes on much quicker than our cloth pre-folds and covers.
Why Should We Use Positive Parenting?
As a society, we have been programmed to think that punishment is a good motivator for better behavior.
But experts like Alfie Kohn say that rather than teach a lesson, punishments make the child angry, teach him that you get your way in life by using your power over those who are weaker, and make it less likely that he’ll focus on how his actions affect others.
Punishment undermines moral development by leading people to ask, “What do they want me to do, and what happens to me if I don’t do it” and actively discouraging them from asking, “What kind of person do I want to be?”
When I talk to parents about moving away from punishments and embracing positive parenting, they are often baffled. They envision wild children who dart out into the road, spoiled whiners who throw a tantrum every time they don’t get their way, and endless pleading to get kids to simply make their beds or brush their teeth.
They confuse positive parenting with permissive parenting.
Because the most common parenting styles today show up as polar opposites: the strict drill sergeant who dictates her child’s every move or the martyr who caters to her child’s every need and whim. So, if it isn’t one, they assume it must be the other.
Positive parenting, however, is neither and strikes the middle ground. It relies on a better model: Partnership. Both parents’ and kids’ desires are acknowledged, and as much as possible, fulfilled.
Parents sometimes fear that this style of parenting will lead to “spoiled” children, but research shows the opposite: children raised by parents who are perceived as both kind and having high expectations do better academically, are less likely to smoke or do drugs, and are less aggressive with other kids.
Parents win with this style, too; kids are more cooperative, more independent, and show more initiative and self-discipline. In short, they become kids who want to behave.
Making Sense of Our Relationship with Our Parents
But it’s not enough just to change our parenting techniques.
To create the most lasting shifts, we need to spend some time evaluating our relationship with our own parents.
By looking at what our parents did well, what we wish they had done better, and how both influence who we have become, we can break free from the model they gave us and create a new framework for our own families.
We can begin to make sense of our relationship by asking some of these questions:
1. What did they do well that we want to pass on to our kids?
My dad was really great about being involved with us. He didn’t limit me to traditionally “girly” things; he rough-housed with us, helped me change my bike tire, and let me fiddle with electronics. Once we spent a weekend replacing the head gasket in his truck. Neither he nor I had done anything like it before, but we worked it out together using a repair manual he’d bought. I’m sure I get my can-do attitude and a lot of my self-confidence from these experiences with him.
My mom made me feel like I was the sunshine in her world. It’s hard to point to examples of this; it was just an underlying feeling that I was truly treasured. Because of this deep love, I grew up with a certainty that the world was a safe place. She is an amazing cook, and she and I spent many happy hours in the kitchen while making dinner for the rest of the family. It was our time to connect.
2. What did they do that we want to do differently?
My dad has a very quick temper, and it comes out both verbally and physically. I’ve been yelled at, sworn at, slapped, flicked, hit, and spanked. I remember lying about a toy I broke and thinking that I wouldn’t have to lie about it if I wasn’t going to get in so much trouble for breaking it in the first place.
My mom rarely spanked me, but in the infrequent times that she got really mad at me, she became cold and aloof. She more or less ignored me until I apologized. I think she didn’t know what to do with her own feelings of anger, fear, or frustration over my behavior.
3. What was their own childhood like?
Neither of my parents had easy childhoods. They had demanding, strict parents, and they both left home as teenagers. From my father’s warmth to my mother’s usual gentleness, I honestly believe that both of them worked hard to be better parents than their own parents were. In some sense, my own desire to be a better parent is a sign of the things they did right.
4. What ways did we feel hurt by our parents as a child? Can we view the situation with compassion?
A few years ago, I had a sudden burst of insight into a particularly painful memory from high school. The incident involved my dad punishing me and accusing me of being deceptive and manipulative, when I had actually acted responsibly and with a good deal of consideration for the needs of other people.
Looking back now, I realized that, at the time, he was suffering intense emotional pain from someone who had been deceptive and manipulative towards him. A wave of compassion washed over me, and the childhood hurt began to heal.
The Challenges of Switching to Positive Parenting
Becoming a positive parent doesn’t come effortlessly, especially for those of us who grew up in punitive homes. Some of the challenges we face:
1. Knowing what NOT to do is not the same as knowing what TO do.
Knowing that you want to stop spanking, yelling at, grounding, or sentencing your child to time-outs unfortunately doesn’t give you any tools for dealing with your parenting challenges. Here’s a list of 22 alternatives to punishment. These ideas help me when I’m feeling stuck with how to deal with challenging behaviors!
2. Lacking role models.
We are social creatures. If everyone around us behaves in a certain way, we accept it as “normal.” For a long time, I was the only person I knew who not only didn’t spank but was also trying not to use any punishments at all. I was constantly second-guessing myself, wondering whether I was doing things “right.”
It was immeasurably helpful when I met another family with older kids who had a similar parenting philosophy. Now I had someone to talk to, explain my frustrations to, and seek advice from. And it was reassuring to see their kids growing into happy, sensitive, responsible people.
3. Overcoming your own inner parent.
You know that voice in your head that tells you, “You can’t let them get away with that,” or “Don’t spoil them”?
That’s the accumulated “wisdom” of your own parents, the parents around you, and messages we get from media.
But it isn’t always right. In fact, it’s often dead wrong.
I’m learning to replace it with a new voice. Whenever I feel the urge to punish, I think to myself, “How can I connect?”
“Connection” has become my parenting mantra.
4. Breaking old habits.
It can be really, really hard to change habits. But it’s not impossible. One of the things that has most helped me is discovering my own triggers for yelling or getting angry.
By keeping track of your triggers, you become more aware of when you are most likely to get caught in negative patterns, and you start building up ideas for what you can do instead.
Here’s an example from The Orange Rhino and a blank sheet you can use.
5. Facing judgment from your own parents (or other parents around you).
I don’t live near enough to my parents for there to be much conflict between us about how I’m raising SweetPea. But I’m sure that as she gets older, even those infrequent occasions will provide plenty of opportunities for them to see me handle a tantrum by holding her in my lap, acknowledge her frustration when she cries “for no reason,” negotiate for 10 more minutes of playtime, or even yell “Don’t do that!” at me.
When the criticism comes, I’ll try to stay calm, remind them of all the ways she is growing into a responsible, caring person, and ask them, “Did you do everything the same way your parents did?”
6. Kids adjusting to the new you.
Even though things will actually be much better for kids once you are parenting more positively, the transition can be challenging for them. Their world is in flux, and it can be unsettling.
If you have been the “drill sergeant” parent, they can be wary that you’ll return to your strictness. If you have been the “martyr” they can worry about losing their own power.
Besides learning new skills yourself, you’ll have to help them learn as well.
Thomas Gordon gives the example of a “martyr” mother using his No-Lose Method
It takes time, but it is never too late to teach our kids the problem-solving process!
How to Make the Switch
1. Focus on one habit at a time.
Pick either something that will make a big difference to your family, or a small change that will be easy to make and gives you a psychological boost.
My journey to positive parenting began while with my decision to stop spanking. From there, I learned how to praise effectively, stop saying “Good job,”(I didn’t even know that was problematic!) and communicate better
Positive parenting isn’t a destination to arrive at; like you, I’m at AFP because I want to continue growing as a parent.
2. Post reminders.
When making changes in the way you parent, it can be really helpful to post reminders. Sheila McCraith posted orange rhinos all over her house to remind her not to yell. She even made signs that her boys could grab if they sensed she was about to lose it!
3. Keep a journal.
I know it sounds silly, and really, who has time to do ONE MORE THING? But honestly, nothing has made a bigger impact on my life than reflecting on my day.
And it doesn’t have to be long.
Every night (or at least most nights) I write down three things I’m grateful for, two important goals for tomorrow, and one thing I would have done differently. This simple exercise has helped me stay connected to my values as a parent and have helped me continue to find ways to connect with rather than punish my daughter.
4. Be patient with yourself.
You’re going to make mistakes. Changes take time, and even when we’ve been parenting positively for a while, we will never be perfect.
Just the other day, I responded much too harshly to my daughter’s biting. I cried, was angry at myself, and then realized that this is just one of the many times that I will fail as a parent. But it’s also an important model for my daughter in reconciliation, forgiveness, humility, and trying again.
5. Be patient with your kids.
A lot of the bothersome things that kids do are perfectly natural. This doesn’t mean we have to like these activities or even allow them. But accepting that they are normal is the first step to finding creative ways to honor our kids’ needs while also honoring our own needs to get out the door on time, have a clean home, or enjoy a few minutes of quiet.
6. Find other positive parents.
Becoming a positive parent was, at first, one of the loneliest things I’ve even done. I often felt defensive, like people were judging me and the kids in my care. Finding just one other family made it so much easier. It validated my own instincts about mutual respect and gave me a safe place to talk about my fears and frustrations.
If you can’t find positive parents in your area, you can at least connect with a few online. Here are some of my favorites:
7. Extend compassion to your own parents.
As stated earlier, the most important aspect in creating a nurturing environment for your children is to make sense of your own childhood and your relationship with your parents. If you had a painful or abusive childhood, that may be really difficult. I’ve found Twelve Ways to Let Go and Move On a helpful guide in letting myself heal from these hurts.
Dr. Haim Ginott, who pioneered a non-punitive, communication-based approach to parenting says:
I’ve come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It’s my daily mood that makes the weather. As a parent or teacher, I possess a tremendous power to make a child’s life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated, and a child humanized or de-humanized.
To me, this is not a frightening realization at all, but a message of hope.
How I raise my kids is not determined by fate. I can choose to overcome my past so I can connect with, inspire, humor, and heal my kids.
The 2-Minute Action Plan for Fine Parents
For our quick action today, answer one of these questions:
- What did your parents do well that you’d like to pass on to your kids? What do you want to do differently?
- Examine a painful childhood memory. What stressors do you think influenced your parent’s negative response? What positive intent do you think they may have had?
- Which of your kids’ behaviors do you most struggle with? What needs do you think they might be meeting with this behavior? How can you meet that need and still meet your own?
- Look back at the section on How to Make the Switch. Choose one bullet point to focus on. What one thing can you do to help yourself be a more positive parent?
The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents
Choose one parenting habit you’d like to change. It could be to stop yelling, to find positive ways to say “no,” to try time-ins instead of time-outs, or anything else you think would make a difference in your family.
- Post a reminder in several spots in your house.
- Print out the tracking sheet from Orange Rhino (or make your own)
- Find an accountability partner. Tell each other your goal, and check-in occasionally on each other’s progress. You can forward them this article to get started!
Good luck! We can do this!
I love the Dr Ginott quote. It’s hard to break away from parenting styles that seem natural to us, as they were part of our own upbringing. But we can still choose the type of parent we want to be. Great advice, thanks.
Glad you liked it, Sue! I love Dr Ginott’s work. If you haven’t already read it, I highly recommend Between Parent and Child.
I will admit, I only skimmed this piece. I am lucky enough to have had lovely parents and I try every day to emulate their example. I am thinking about this more than usual today as my dad is in home hospice and we sit by his bedside and read him notes people have sent. Most of the notes are about what a good job he did with his children.
But my dad did not have an easy childhood, and he did have to make conscious decisions to raise us differently, and I’ve always admired that. For anyone making such an effort, it is appreciated by your children.
Korinthia, I’m so sorry to hear that your father is in hospice. I hope all the notes he is receiving and the opportunity to be with him as his life draws to a close provide at least a small amount of comfort to you. It sounds like he is an amazing person. Wishing peace to you and your family.
Which of your kids’ behaviors do you most struggle with? What needs do you think they might be meeting with this behavior? How can you meet that need and still meet your own?
At the moment I would say I’m struggling most with what appears to be willful reluctance to listen. My perception of this is undoubtedly fueled by my own frustration not being heard, which may may be a reflection of being a poor listener myself. I think that to meet their need to be heard, as well as my own, I need to practice being an attentive listener.
As someone once said to me, “The answer is simple. Not easy, but simple.” Johnny, truly listening is one of the hardest lessons to learn. I’m still working on that one, every day! I’ll be writing more on how to listen, and how to get kids to listen soon. Hope you’ll stay tuned to my website abetterwayparenting.com. In the meantime, check out the excellent book “How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, And Listen So They Will Talk.”
Thank You Amy,
This was a wonderful article. This is the way we have attempted to raise our children, and so far it has worked. One practical thing we did was to tell them what we wanted ” up front “.Several times if necessary. Though mistakes and mishaps are a natural part of human development we did not wait for them to “mess up” then correct them. I often hear parents ask” do I have to tell you the same thing over and over again ? ” In some cases the simple answer is yes. My children 25,20 and 16 attended the family reunion without us this year because my mother in law is very ill, and we are hearing great things about who they are and how they conduct themselves from other family members. They are not perfect, no one is, but we continue to be very proud of them.
My own parents exposed me to different kinds of people, places, and cultures at a very young age. Today I find that I don’t entertain many of the biases my friends do and that I am able to accept people without stereotypes or sweeping generalizations. They also did some things that needed correcting ,but they did the best the could with the knowledge, parenting skills, and the child they had to work with. I will always to grateful to them for who I am, and who my children are becoming.
Thanks again Amy for this wonderful refreshing article.
As someone once said to me, “The answer is simple. Not easy, but simple.” Johnny, truly listening is one of the hardest lessons to learn. I’m still working on that one, every day! I’ll be writing more on how to listen, and how to get kids to listen soon. Hope you’ll stay tuned to my website abetterwayparenting.com. In the meantime, check out the excellent book “How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, And Listen So They Will Talk.”
Thanks for the encourgement, Tanya! Congratulations on raising three children! It’s so good to hear that other people have embraced positive parenting ideas and have been happy with the results 🙂 Like you, my parents exposed me to a variety of cultures and people, and I like to think I am more open-minded as a result.
I like your article but like thousands of parents I feel it’s not easy. I loved the note you kept saying each nite you write 3 things you grateful for 2 goals for tmrw and 1 thing which you could have done differently. Will start to be da rise on it and think can be a positive parent soon
You’re right, Mahek. It’s not always easy to be a positive parent. Every day we are surrounded my messages and examples that reinforce “doing to” rather than “working with” kids. But it does get easier with practice. I like to think of it as a moment-by-moment practice rather than a destination one arrives at; most of the time I am able to parent gently and positively. Sometimes I slip into old habits, but as soon as I realize it, I try to choose positive parenting again.
Thank you for writing this. I totally agree with you it is possible to be more possitive parents even when our parents weren’t that way we us. It’s really hard but is possible. I had been doing so good with my 4 kids (13, 9, 5, and 2) for about a year. But for the last two weeks I had been lossing it and I started yealling again 🙁 . Yesterday was one of those days and at night I was reflecting on my reactions with pain in my heart for falling in my old ways and I ask my self this question.. what is really botering me? I realize that is not about what they do or don’t do, is more about me. It really conforts me to know that I am not the only parent that makes mistakes but keeps trying. Because being a positive fine parent is not a destination, is a every day thing. I talked to my kids I told them how sorry I was I told them is not about them, and I told them I will keep traying every day of my lto be the parent I know I can be. 🙂 thank you again you put my thoughts into words with this article.
Thanks for sharing your experience so openly, Graciela! Such a good reminder that parenting is a journey, and sometimes we all go through rough patches. Were you able to find what was truly bothering you? And did you find it helped restore your ability to parent more positively?
Great article. Of all the books on parenting I’ve read, Dr Siegel’s Parenting From The Inside Out is the best on my list. I don’t have any deep issues to overcome as a new parent, but self reflection is always important.
And Bill Hicks once said, “It’s all a choice. You can see through the eyes of fear or you can see through the eyes of love. Choose love.” Once I self reflected enough, this simple way of life became obvious and life has never been better as a person and most importantly as a parent to a boy and a girl (both toddlers).
Vikram, I also love Parenting from the Inside Out and Dr Siegel’s other book, The Whole-Brain Child. And what a good reminder; I hope we can all continue to learn how to choose Love!
It has been a battle to overcome the parenting techniques of my parents. I still have moments where I slip into aggressiveness where it is not needed. The one thing to harp on is that parenting is a process. We are learning as we go, even though we may think we are experts. We have ups and downs and have to continue to grow from our mistakes and recognize patterns we fall back into. A lot of parents saddle themselves with guilt and beat themselves up. When I screw up, I admit it to my kids and ask for forgiveness. Where I can, I explain so those moments can be lessons for us. My kids know I love them and we are all in this together which makes a big difference when I screw up.
Miranda, you are so right! We all make mistakes, kids and parents alike. Sounds like you are a wonderful model to your kids of how to make things right after you mess up! Lucky kids.
Everything I learned and know about parenting, I got from my folks. But there’s always one thing that my dad kept repeating to me over and over: take in the good, throw away the bad. Guess this is basically how everything should be approached, even parenting.
What good advice, Joanna!
Amy,
This post really speaks to me. There are definitely days I find myself doing the very things I said I would never do. For a long time I didn’t know how to react, but I’ve found a way to re-frame my childhood, I try to think instead that I’m grateful for all aspects of my childhood because they led me to be who I am today. I also feel like parenthood has given me a new perspective of my parents, and although I still don’t agree with many of the choices that were made, I am better able to give them grace and forgive. 🙂
I don’t know who Dr. Haim Ginott is, but his quote:
“I’ve come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It’s my daily mood that makes the weather. As a parent or teacher, I possess a tremendous power to make a child’s life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated and a child humanized or de-humanized.”
sounds very familiar.
Perhaps Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe was the source of inspiration:
“I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather. I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration, I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated, and a person is humanized or de-humanized. If we treat people as they are, we make them worse. If we treat people as they ought to be, we help them become what they are capable of becoming.”
I am a grandmother of 9 and a great grandmother of one. My daughter adopted my great niece emmy at 5 months old. Only to find later that her youngest son is autistic. I keep Emmy 2 weeks per month. This uprooting is not easy. She has always needed 100%
Attention focused on her. As soon as she sees there are strangers around she will throw herself on the floor and beg me not to hurt her. Then laugh when she gets attention from others. She does the running into the street. I experience with her things I have never lived through. I can become a horrible person when she flips. At this point I don’t know what to do. I love her. It’s So very difficult. I am so afraid of having her full time as I will soon be 57. Help!!! Your article all of it has already given me tools. Thank You
I am finding this series helpful and eye-opening so far! I’m reading one per week so I can hopefully start to master one topic before moving on. Also taking notes!
I wondered how can I apply this to a pre-teen who repeatedly uses language we don’t approve of, and is disrespectful when angry or not getting their own way?? I have started asking, “What do you really want?” and saying, “Disrespectful behavior is not the way to get what you want.”. Not sure how far this will take me, but “punishing” so far has had no impact on this behavior.
Also, trying to get spouse on board, but he is not one to read these types of articles.
Thanks for any advice!
My son just started Pre K and he HATES going! He only goes twice a week but almost every school morning it’s the same argument. I am unable to convince him to go and if I force him it just attached more negative emotions to the idea of school ! At the same time if I let him stay at home I encourage the attitude that he can get what he wants if he can press the right buttons!
I have a question about what I call ‘Dwadling’. My daughter 7 is always picking up other things to do while trying to finish daily routine things like drinking milk, leaving for school, eating dinner etc. She would start making a diary or finishing a diary which she started at school while the milk is on the table. She will start looking for pens and paper to make the diary while it is time to leave for school. She will continue reading her book when it is time to take bath and go to bed. How do I tell her in a nice way to focus on what is important part of routine and stick to time?
One thing that my mom did well was that she always acted as my best friend, someone who I could trust. One thing that I will do differently will be talking to both my kids before jumping into any conclusions
Barbette Bennett
4-30-2020
At 6:53 am
I was raised with positive parents, they both back each other up, I am the second oldest out of 8 children and was raised on a farm.
Reading everyone’s comments is so helping me, I raised 4 children of my own now they grown. and now my husband and I are foster parents took in 3 sibling 7,5,1 yr old, We had them now for 4 months. It’s been a challenge and my husband and aking ourself (what did we get ourself into?🤔🥴
We are taking it day by day.
Hello,
My mom was always around when I needed her. I can talk to her about anything and know she would try to help.
My dad told me that the family should work together on things around the house, like mowing the grass. If everyone helped it will get done faster.
things I don’t want to pass on….
My mom, she wanted to have more fun than be a parent sometimes.
My dad had a drinking problem and got really anger at times.
After answering all four questions, I can see how damaging my childhood was and how I am much better than my own parents but have a lot to improve on. Thank you for writing this article, the painful childhood memory was very hard for me, but I can see how damaging that experience was for my siblings and me.
My answered questions are below.
Trigger Warnings includes suicide and abuse.
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1. What did your parents do well that you’d like to pass on to your kids? What do you want to do differently?
My father was meticulous and, at times, would teach valuable life skills. But he was extremely abusive verbally, physically, and psychologically. He hit, threw things, was very neglectful, embraced, and humiliated us all, as well as belittled each of us, inflicting a negative body image and the epitome of shame. I will not shame my child’s body, likes, dislikes, or embarrass them publicly nor privately. I do not want my child to fear me, hate me, or dream of my death like I did him. If I were to take anything he taught me and turn it positive, it would be his meticulous nature and drive to innovate new things.
My mother was creative, musical, fashionable, and brave she stood for what she believed in, even if misguided. But she was manipulative, belittling, neglectful, and cultish. She gaslighted, threatened to send us back to our abusive father, and belittled each of us, inflicting a negative body image and shame. I will not compare nor threaten my child with the return of their father. If I were to take anything she taught me and turn it positive, it would be her creative nature and the way she the way pushed to make us better; if we had an interest, she highlighted it and made sure we knew we were the very best even if we were not.
They were both abusive parents, different types but abusive nonetheless. They screamed, hit, threatened, fought, and humiliated each of us. I do not want to do that. I will not belittle my child for his body. I will not humiliate him in public or private. I will not gaslight him. And I will do my best not to hit, threaten or scream. I will, however, calmly explain, walk away when it is too much and take a break when it gets to be too much. I will be the person I needed when I was younger. I will be compassionate, understanding, encouraging, open, unashamed, and caring. I will encourage, advice without prejudice, and approval, even if silly. I will love my child unconditionally, and I will support him no matter what he chooses.
2. Examine a painful childhood memory. What stressors do you think influenced your parent’s negative response? What positive intent do you think they may have had?
A painful childhood memory, there are so many… When I was about eight, my father would go on bouts about how he would kill himself. I can clearly still see it in my mind’s eye in the library of our home, red carpeting, and wood-paneled walls. The oak gun cabinet with glass doors open. My father standing with a pistol to his head… Screaming, “I hate you all. I may as well fucking kill myself!” My mother standing in front of him with her arms out, pleading with him not to, and all five of us on the three red shag carpet steps leading into the room.
My oldest sister Rebecca on the bottom step, her arm stretched out in front of my older brother and me. My oldest sister could not have been older the eighteen… I eight years old, and my older brother Noah was probably ten at the time, crying, begging, and pleading, please don’t. My second oldest sister Kaitlin holding my youngest brother Joseph. Kaitlin was only about sixteen at the time, holding poor screaming Joseph, who was frightened by all the crying and screaming of us all; he was no more than two years old. This memory stays with me; it is one of the worst I have. I do not cry for it. My only wish all those years following is that he had pulled that trigger. But I do not wish that now. I wish they had never had had children they were so incapable of taking care of.
The negative responses to this situation could have been resolved by both my parents seeking marriage counseling and psychiatric help for the numerous problems they seem to struggle with mentally. The positive impact this memory has on me is never to expose anyone else to such violence. To never threaten anyone with a gun and seek mental help if I feel myself spiraling, and due to PTSD I have spiraled in the past, and continue to take medication because I do not ever want to end up like my parents.
3. Which of your kids’ behaviors do you most struggle with? What needs do you think they might be meeting with this behavior? How can you meet that need and still meet your own?
I struggle to maintain my temper when he does things he’s been asked not to do, things that could cause him danger or mess something up, especially if it is something I just fixed and could embarrass me. He may be exhibiting this behavior because he wants attention and for me to play with him. But, on the other hand, he may be messing things up because he knows he will have me available. I can meet this need by allotting a specific time of the day to play with him and occasionally take breaks from my schooling to play with him. By doing this, I could meet his need for attention and my need for focusing on school.
4. Look back at the section on How to Make the Switch. Choose one bullet point to focus on. What one thing can you do to help yourself be a more positive parent?
Number four, be patient with me. I need to continue to acknowledge the mistakes my parents made, understand that I do not need to repeat them, and remain calm and be patient with myself when learning to curve my anger. Yelling is better than hitting, but neither is nice. So instead, I should walk away for a few moments and then return. It will help me resolve the situation better and calm myself and my son down.
If you read this far, thank you, and I apologize for the graphic things depicted in these answered questions. If you have any advice, please give it. I am learning.