Grit

Determination

Tenacity

They are all words for Resilience.

Resilience is more than the buzzword of the year. It is what gives us “the courage to go after our dreams, despite the very real risk that we’ll fail in some way or other.”

Isn’t that what we want for our kids? To go after their dreams and their passions and achieve them? Ever since I read Carol Dweck’s now-famous book Mindset : The New Psychology of Success I have been looking for ways to teach my kids this kind of resilience.

We go on hikes and do brain-teaser puzzles. We have even tried a ropes course in our quest to build resilience within them. It was in the midst of walking my oldest son through an algebra problem that I realized that resilience isn’t just a mindset, it’s a habit.

Resilience should be as much a habit as brushing your teeth in the morning or having a snack after school.

It’s something that we should be building into our everyday lives in such a way it becomes an unconscious choice. We simply don’t consider giving up when we don’t get that math problem right the first time. Trying again is our habit.

My boys are good at showing resilience in big moments or for specific projects. For example, my oldest son wanted to experiment with parallel circuits for a science project. He had all kinds of issues with the connections between the wires. The tape would slip or the wires wouldn’t be making good contact with the battery or he attached the wire incorrectly.

There were definitely moments of extreme frustration. He lost his temper several times and had to walk away from his project a few times. But he always came back and tried it all again.

In his everyday life he doesn’t seem to have that kind of resilience as his default. We recently got new kittens. I asked him to open the can of food for them and that’s when the trouble hit. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to open a can of cat food, but that flip-top lid can be difficult to open. When he was unable to get the can open he just gave up!

He didn’t even ask for help! He just stopped trying completely and left the can on the counter for me to find. The resilience to keep trying at the lid was not a part of his default setting.

So how do we make it a real habit? How can we teach them everyday resilience?

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The air was cool, so crisp that a deep lungful through the nostrils left a slight tingle.

Outside was grey, the unmistakable smell of rain draped over the earth; the clouds ready to release their unrelenting load. The open windows allowed the fresh, clean breath of autumn to blow throughout the house; a flawlessly sweetened cup of coffee and an unopened magazine waited patiently on the table.

This was the perfect day for a pair of joggers and an oversized sweater. The kids awoke one by one and filled the kitchen with the sounds breakfast; a pop of the toaster and clanging of bowls and spoons meant the day had begun.

Soon afterward the realization that the homeschool lessons could wait, and the day could be filled with Netflix documentaries became an exciting reality. Everyone settled on the couch, but one.

The youngest child pushing and shoving all her siblings to reach Mom’s lap; completely unsatisfied until she was securely positioned in this place of honor.

This child shares more with her Mother than just a strong will and piercing blue eyes. They share a love language.

Years ago, when I was pursuing my bachelor’s degree in psychology, I was introduced to the writing of Dr. Gary Chapman. His book, The Five Love Languages of Children, changed my parenting style completely. Here’s how.

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In my doll’s tea set, there were no cups without saucers.

If the mudguard on my bike was crooked or rattled, I’d insist that my Dad repair it before I could ride my bike again. (We jokingly called it ‘Rattly Mudguard Syndrome’ (RMS) in our house when things weren’t quite how they should be.)

My floral duvet could be nothing other than symmetrically placed on my bed each night. I had cleverly mastered the art of measuring it by becoming a snow angel centered in my bed to see where the duvet fell across my legs. Only then could I sleep.

Well, it took me a long time to drift off as I mentally prepared and played out everything I had to remember for the next day. Forgetting was not an option.

As a child, it was a standing joke in our house that I liked things a certain way.

At school, I refused to complete an entire page of sums, but instead would go to the teacher and ask they mark each one. I had to know that I’d got it right before I continued.

As I got older, exams would send me into meltdown as I didn’t have the luxury of time to perfect my work.

Every mistake felt like a kick in the guts. Every mistake was a reminder of how wrong I was as a person. I would exhaust myself avoiding that shameful heavy feeling which repeatedly reminded me that I wasn’t good enough.

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As someone who has studied and worked in several foreign countries, I know firsthand how challenging it can be to immerse yourself in another culture.

I will never forget the first evening I spent with my host family when I was a Peace Corps Volunteer in Uzbekistan. I didn’t know what to expect or how to act, and I couldn’t communicate more than my most basic needs in the local language.

My host family and I sat at the dinner table, making gestures and laughing awkwardly. It was terrifying and uncomfortable.

Fortunately, persevering through the challenges of intercultural exchange can bring enormous rewards. By the time I left Uzbekistan, my host family and I had become very close, I had learned a new language, and I had a whole new perspective on the world.

When my husband (who was also a Peace Corps Volunteer) and I had children, we made a commitment to expose our kids to intercultural experiences so they could learn to be more open-minded, compassionate, and empathetic.

We feel strongly that it’s important to teach our kids to respect other cultures and be comfortable with people different from themselves.

Although we love to travel abroad, it’s not always possible. Job schedules, commitments to extended family members, and limited time and money can make it difficult or even impossible.

The good news is that you don’t need a lot of time or money – and you don’t need to travel or live abroad – in order to teach your kids to be more open-minded, accepting, and compassionate. Your family can experience the joys and lessons of intercultural exchange without leaving your hometown!

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