Here’s a question for you.
When you think of the character traits you want your child to have when they grow up, what are they?
Everyone is a little different, but most people want their children to be resilient, independent, and self-assured. We also want them to be compassionate, kind and caring, and a range of other things too.
But the important thing is that we want our children to grow up to be able to stand on their own two feet. To be able to bounce back after life throws them a curve ball, and to be confident in their own beliefs.
No one ever wants their kids to grow into compliant, obedient or submissive adults. Why would we?
And yet, we wish they’d be more compliant – and less defiant – when they’re young.
We want them to be obedient.
We want them to do as we ask and listen when we speak.
We don’t want them to fight back.
Ironic, isn’t it?
Here’s the thing though… I get it!
I am a mom, too. At the end of a busy day, when I am weary to my bones, all I want is a little cooperation from my kids. On those days, nothing sets me off quite like defiance. I want to either tame it down and gain back control or hide in a quiet corner and silently weep.
Is there a better option though?
Is there some way for me to deal with a defiant child without trying to break her spirit, or letting it grate on my nerves?
Here’s what I’ve found.
#1 Understand What’s Really Going On
Imagine someone has control of you and your life.
You have no control over your schedule. You’re told where you have to be, how you should behave, even what you should wear.
Yes, you’re fed and well looked after, even loved.
But you don’t have full control over what you eat or when you eat it. You’re told when you should sleep and when to get up.
You’re an intelligent, independent individual, but you’re imprisoned in your own life.
Your opinions may be listened to, but they’re not given much weight.
You love the people you live with, but you’re frustrated. It hurts that they think your ideas and opinions are less significant than theirs.
You feel powerless to change their minds and sometimes your frustration gets the better of you. So, you behave poorly.
Of course, this just reinforces that you’re not ‘mature’. How frustrating!
You often bounce between feeling rebellious and defiant, or weak and overpowered.
Not pretty, is it?
But this is where our kids find themselves most of the time. Irrespective of how much we love them, they are still little people in a grown-up world. Life can seem pretty harsh.
This simple understanding has made a huge difference in my ability to deal with my kids when they are defiant.
A lot of my own frustration with my defiant child stems from a lack of control in the moment. Realizing that my child is acting from a similar feeling of lack of control, just one that spans pretty much every aspect of her life, keeps me from getting agitated and lets me start looking for solutions.
Which brings us nicely to our next point…
#2 Give Back Some Control
A simple way to give your kids some control is by giving them as many choices as you can – particularly over the little things.
If you’re getting them a drink you can ask them: Do they want juice or water? Do they want it in a cup or a glass? Do they want to sit at the table or the kitchen bench?
Notice that giving your child choices doesn’t mean they get open slather. In fact, you can give choices to your child and still ensure you get what you want.
For example, when it comes to possible arguments over vegetables you can try, “Do you want beans or peas?” And if there’s often disagreement over warm clothing try, “Are you going to wear your jacket, or take it?”
To make this work for both of you, be sure to give just two options. And make sure that you’re happy with either option!
Besides giving kids back some control, asking lots of questions has some sneaky benefits as well.
(If you don’t like being sneaky, you should stop right here and skip directly to the next point. No, seriously.)
Have you ever noticed that some days it’s really hard to make decisions, particularly if you’ve had to make a lot of them leading up to that moment? It’s like your brain is fried and you simply can’t make another choice.
Psychologists call this decision fatigue.
The sneaky benefit to us parents is, if we give our kids lots of choices over the smaller things, they’re less likely to have the energy to argue over the bigger stuff. If you ask me, it’s one good thing, giving them back some control, which leads to another good thing, them not having the energy to argue about other things.
As long as it results in happier kids and a calmer home, it’s all good in my book 🙂
#3 Treat Them Like An Adult
Imagine walking into your house and seeing one of your friends violating a house rule.
They’re doing something that they know you don’t particularly like. Maybe they’re putting their feet on the coffee table, maybe they’ve left cups and dishes around the house, or maybe they didn’t take their shoes off at the door.
They give you a guilty look, waiting for your response.
Take a moment to consider what you’d say or do.
Because I bet you’d respond to your friend in a completely different way to how you’d respond if your kids were breaking the same rule.
It’s OK, we all do it. We’ve all snapped at our kids one time or another. And justified it by saying, “They know the rules and they constantly test the boundaries. They should know better!”
But if we take a step back, and start treating our kids a little like adults, it can be powerful.
Strong willed kids don’t respond well to being told what to do, but they’re likely to be reasonable if we ask–if we treat them like an adult, or a friend.
I’m not advocating the whole ‘parents as friends’ philosophy or asking you to be permissive.
But it’s worth making a conscious effort to treat our kids with the same restraint and respect we would use if we were responding to an adult who was behaving the same way.
#4 Avoid Ultimatums
Kids who exhibit defiant behavior push us. They argue. They’re cheeky and insubordinate and it gets under our skin.
We’re the parent. The adult. The experienced person in this relationship. They should listen to us. They should uphold our authority instead of undermining it so often.
Right from a very early age they know exactly what buttons to push to get us cranky and frustrated and twisted up inside.
So, before we realize, we end up saying things like, “You better clean up your room, or else!”
Or “If you don’t turn that television off right now, you’ll regret it!”
Half the time, we don’t know what to do for the “or else” or the “you’ll regret it” part. And as positive parents we don’t want to impose random punishment.
So, we simply let them get away with it.
And just like that, we’ve allowed our authority to be undermined.
And sent them an implicit signal that if they push us just enough, they can get what they want. Without quite realizing it, we’ve just cast our vote in favor of more defiant behavior.
What could we have done instead? (No, reverting back to random punishment isn’t an option! Not as the fine parent that you are!!!)
Here’s one way to go about it.
Recognize that ultimatums are a recipe for a lose-lose outcome. When you feel your blood starting to boil, walk away.
Make like Elvis and leave the room. When you’re calmer, you can return and address the problem more reasonably.
Sit down and set clear limits. Explain and get agreement on exactly what will happen if a limit is violated. And the next time the situation repeats, calmly, firmly and empathetically impose the consequences for violating the limits.
For example: “We agreed on one episode of TV after you finish homework. You started watching TV before doing homework. I’m afraid that means no TV for the rest of the day today. You’ll get it back tomorrow.”
Let them vent if they want to. The key is to stay calm, firm and empathetic. For example: “I’m sorry. I know you are disappointed. I am a bit disappointed too…I was hoping to finish up some of my chores while you were watching TV. But I can do my chores later. How about that? I know you are still learning to be responsible. You’ll get another chance to try being responsible tomorrow.”
And so on.
Is this more work for us? Yes. In the beginning it is.
But which one do you prefer – a little work upfront or constant nagging, whining and drama for the next however many years until they go to college and never want to come back home again?
#5 Work With Their Personality
Kids who are defiant, or strong willed, are often highly intelligent. They question everything.
They don’t like to be told what to do, when to do it, or how to do it. They rebel against this sort of micro-management.
So, give them what they instinctively crave.
Instead of giving them chores, give them problems to solve. Give them an opportunity to show off how smart/helpful/kind they are. Give them the stage to showcase their positive attributes.
Try, “I’m cooking dinner, but I don’t have any clean plates. They’re all in the dishwasher. Is there a super helper around who can help me?” (Sneakiness alert: Studies have shown that kids are motivated more by a positive identity such as “being a helper” than just a simple request for help!)
Or, “I know you want to visit Molly this weekend, but you also have homework to do. So, Mr. Genius, how are you going to solve that problem? How are you going to fit it all in?”
If you’re going to use fun titles remember to keep them light. We don’t want to end up labeling our kids. Pick a different funny ‘positive identity’ each time to make sure none of the labels stick – in their head, or yours.
Cynthia Tobias, author of You Can’t Make Me (But I Can Be Persuaded) says to give strong-willed children problems to solve so they can exercise their brains and feel helpful and supportive. This strategy works just as well for kids who tend to be defiant too.
#6 Hug Them
My daughter is defiant and difficult and disruptive at times. She argues for no apparent reason.
There are days when she’s just horrible to everyone. She lashes out and hurts people with seemingly no motivation.
But I’ve discovered that she does this for a reason. She’s trying to tell me something.
Her behavior is saying, “I’m horrible and unworthy. I bet you can’t love me now!”
The solution is for me to see past her behavior and feel her hurt and address her pain.
To take her aside and give her a hug and say, “I love you just the way you are.” Or “Nothing you can do will ever stop me loving you.”
It works every time. She takes down the barriers and cries and tells me what’s wrong. Maybe she’s tired and feeling less resilient.
Maybe she just doesn’t feel “good enough”. Whatever it is, she needs comfort and understanding to melt the emotional armor she’s put on.
(Editor’s Note: Try getting your child started on our 30-day 3-2-1 Positivity Journal or the 3-2-1 Self-Love Journal to build in habits of a more positive and resilient approach to life and themselves.)
#7 Look for the Silver Lining
Raising a child who is defiant is not easy. They can be more challenging, confrontational and disobedient than their peers.
But they’re also highly intelligent, sensitive and curious. They want to know “why”.
They can thrive on independence and responsibility.
They can step up to challenges and be a great help if we let them.
We just need to figure out how to get the best out of them.
We need to ensure they feel loved and valued. That we ask for their opinion and give them some control over their lives.
We need to start treating them like the independent, self-assured adults they’ll become.
And we need to tell them that we will always love them, just the way they are.
The 2-Minute Action Plan for Fine Parents
Take a moment to consider your child’s behavior.
- Does your child seem to vie for control over some aspects of their life? Can you give them more control in this area?
- If not, what other areas can you give them control over?
- What things can you start giving your kids choice over?
- Think about your child’s behavior when they’re being defiant. Are they trying to tell you something?
- Think about the things you regularly disagree on and the options for handling the situation differently.
- What strategies can you put in place to ensure you don’t issue ultimatums?
The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents
- Make a note of the things you regularly disagree on (e.g. mealtimes or homework) and brainstorm a few questions you can use to avoid a confrontation.
- Write down some choices that will help you get the outcome you want, but still give your child control.
- Think about the last disagreement you had with your child. How would this have played out if you’d given your child problems to solve instead?
- Visualize yourself walking away when you feel like issuing an ultimatum.
- Work out what you’d say if your friend was violating a house rule. Will the same response work with your kids?
- Checkout the strategies in You Can’t Make Me (But I Can Be Persuaded). You can read a free excerpt of the book online, and access loads of Cynthia’s resources for dealing with strong willed children.
hello,
I wish I had seen your article 20 minutes earlier. I just had this experience with our 3 year, come downstairs open my mailbox and there is your article.
My wife monitors how much and what our 3 year old tends to eat. Today it was just Sophie and I left at the table as my wife was nearby with the 1 year old. Sophie, having not eaten half of her meal says she is full and wants to leave the table. In retrospect it would have been skilful to just let her go. (to be honest what do I care) But I say just ask your mum first if it’s ok. (normally with some gentle prodding from my wife or even with a bit of help Sophie will have a few more mouthfuls sometimes even finish the meal) But she wouldn’t and insisted on leaving. So I went into reactive mode and enforced the boundary. You stay in this chair until you have done what I have asked ie check in with your Mum.
Why is a good question at this point? I guess I felt my authority was being undermined. I had lost control?
Anyway the result was a Mexican stand off. She put on the tears as I cleaned up. I asked her if she wanted to stay in the chair. she said no. I said well all you need to do is ask your Mum. She starts crying again. I say you have a choice, do as I have asked or stay in the chair, but as much as she wanted to get out of the chair she wasn’t willing to give in. For my part the longer it went the more I had to maintain that boundary.
Finally 15 minutes later my wife, who has been in view the whole time letting the drama play out, walks over to Sophie and says is there anything you wish to ask me. Sophie asks and then she leaves the table.
We give her plenty of choices in a day but sometimes if a parent needs or requests something from the child then surely there must be some compliance…
what is the alternative.. she says no and leaves the table… what happens the next time?
I would be interested in your thoughts.
Geoff, a dad who wishes to do better
p.s I have just signed up for the parenting course 🙂
Geoff,
I think the fact that that this episode bothered you enough that you took the time to leave this comment and are looking for better ways to deal with it next time tells me you are an awesome dad! 🙂 I sincerely hope you are not beating yourself up over this and are simply looking for better alternatives for next time. And kudos to your wife for being patient and letting this play out. You two seem like you make a great team!!!
Alright, so brainstorming for ideas…. I don’t know if there is a universal solution, but here’s what’s been working for me with my daughter (she is 7, so this may or may not work with your kids yet, but I hope it will trigger some ideas in your mind).
When we are headed towards a standoff I stop, take a deep breath and just lay it all out there. In this case I’d probably say something along the lines of: “Ugh! It looks like we are heading towards a standoff aren’t we? I’m sorry I got upset and chose to push you into a corner. It wasn’t my intention to make you feel bossed over. I am your mom and am responsible for making sure you have enough food in your tummy to help you grow, at least until you’re old enough to take care of it yourself. I was already upset that you didn’t want to eat and when you [didn’t do something I asked for – in this case ask her mum] I felt disrespected on top of it. That just made me act out. I’m sorry. What do you think is a good solution for us to get out of this? I really don’t want us to start the day with bad feelings”
And then let her get away with whatever solution she comes up with.
The thing here is by laying the truth out there, we tell them (and ourselves!) what we really want… In this case, (a) for them to eat (b) look for better ways to express it if they don’t want to (instead of disrespecting/pushing us) (c) that I really love her and it’s not her, but my own emotional reaction to the situation that made me act the way I did and (d) at the end of it all, what I really want is to simply start the day off right.
Amazingly, a LOT of the time these days, my daughter uses this exact same approach with me! For instance, the other day at dinner she started whining, stopped mid track, and said “I really don’t want to disrespect you or the food you cook mommy, but I just don’t like this spinach and if I have to eat one more bite I think I will die”. Yes, a tad bit dramatic, but supremely adorable 🙂 And she was very serious too. So I asked her what her solution was considering it was spinach for dinner that night and I had nothing else to give her and she needed food to grow up… and she came up with “I think if I had a few spoons of yogurt on the side, the spinach will taste batter”. Seriously??!!!! By all means!!!! Here you go! 🙂
It’s amazing how well just laying out what we rally want without layers of emotional/social masking works (and not just with kids 😉 )
A little hint to get your kid to eat spinach: my grandmother used to mix them with other greens that aren’t as tart when cooked, like collard greens. And not put a large amount on the plate, maybe a couple tablespoons. That way, it isn’t a giant mound, and it isn’t a bitter bunch of leaves they don’t like. It worked for me growing up, and it works now – I still loathe cooked spinach, but I will tolerate them in with other greens.
I will eat them by themselves uncooked (a trick I learned from a vegetarian friend!) or on a sandwich in place of lettuce.
Hey Geoff,
Thanks for your comment. I think Sumitha really nailed it in her reply, particularly about not beating yourself up!
Being a parent is tough. We believe our kids should listen to us and do as we ask – particularly when our request is reasonable – and we do feel undermined when they refuse. But it’s also important to recognise that the power we have as parents can be far more forceful if we use it sparingly.
Think about working for someone who is always immovable in their opinions, as opposed to someone who’s opinion can be changed. When the first person puts their foot down it’s easy to think “Oh great. Here we go again – they won’t change their mind!” but when the second person puts their foot down you’re more likely to think, “This must be pretty important, they’re really sticking to their guns!”
By being reasonable over the little things, we’re not being a pushover. We’re reserving our power for the truly important things.
The fact that you’re re-thinking the situation and wondering how you might do things differently puts you streets ahead of the average parent. It’s a learning game and the best parents are the ones who are constantly learning from their experiences. So, well done! 😉
Interesting comment and replies! The only other thing I feel compelled to chime in on in this particular case, is that it’s probably not great–particularly with a girl–to have battles over food. There are so many issues with body image and food that girls have to face in our society that creating a power struggle over eating could have unintended consequences down the road.
That’s an interesting point, Korinthia. If I’d read it a few days back, I might have thought that the whole issue of girls and their body image may be a bit over-analyzed / over-blown, especially in this context where we’re talking about a little 3 year old who is refusing to eat.
But a few days back, after a heavy dinner, my daughter (who is just 7!!!) was in front of the mirror brushing her teeth and getting ready for bed. Suddenly she started rubbing a hand over her tummy and declared that she had eaten too much and she was getting fat!!! We don’t usually talk about fat/thin etc. in our household, but I do gripe about how my tummy is getting out of control, more so since my last birthday when I crossed the big 4-0 line. I didn’t think anyone paid attention… this kind of griping is something you automatically do when you are with friends and talking about turning 40 right? It looks like the kids absorb this really, really quickly though!!! And in this context, I can see how a power struggle could potentially result in unintended consequences down the road! *Sigh*
Kids pick up on so much it’s shocking. I think we’re lulled into a false sense of their perception sometimes because they so often don’t listen to us when we want them to!
A lot of eating disorders are often really about control, and controlling what they eat is one of the very few things kids have real power over. I have enough food issues of my own to want to turn food into a problem for my kids too, so we have never fought over what they eat. We make nutritious food available and try to lead by example. As a result my kids are fairly sensible about it. My girls talk about their bodies in terms of wanting to be stronger and more healthy and I’m glad.
(Now stand-offs over hair brushing… Apparently that’s a hill I want to die on.)
LOL about hair brushing 🙂
My daughter and I used to have lots of fights about school lunch… in that she wouldn’t eat them. at. all! They get 20 minutes lunch break, and she prefers to spend the time chatting with friends than eating. At the end of last school year I decided it wasn’t worth it… it still bothers me when she goes the whole day on a couple of snacks, but I don’t fight it anymore. I wish I could say that her eating has improved…. but not by much. She does make an attempt to eat at least half her lunch, and some days even eats it all… but there are still days when the whole thing comes back just the way it went. *Sigh* Dinners are OK… if it is something she likes, she eats well. If not, she complains, but with something on the side that she likes (plain yogurt!!!) she will eat even as she grumbles about how much she hates spinach or that eggplant must be banished from the face of the earth 🙂
Never a dull moment with kids around, huh?
Oh funny. (And by funny I mean from where I’m standing–irritating for you! So sorry!) I think it’s kind of sweet that your daughter gets caught up in the social aspects of lunch. It would be much sadder if she finished her food because she had no friends. Thankfully our school has free hot lunch for everyone, so I never think about it. I was just happy to find out that when there is a salad option my daughter Mona always takes it.
I try to remember with my kids and food that my husband and I are the ones choosing all of it in the house, so of course we like it. If I let my kids pick everything year after year I would probably complain too. I figure unless my kids have a condition that complicates their health by not eating something, it’s none of my business. I trust them to know if they are hungry or not. I don’t want someone else telling me how to eat either.
It would be much sadder if she finished her food because she had no friends.
Gosh, that’s so true!!! Never thought of it that way. Love it. Thanks for that grounding thought/perspective!
And free hot lunch every day? With salad as an option? What planet are you from? Can I send my daughter to your kids’ school? Wait, can I go to your kids’ school? 🙂
A little hint to get your kid to eat spinach: my grandmother used to mix them with other greens that aren’t as tart when cooked, like collard greens. And not put a large amount on the plate, maybe a couple tablespoons. That way, it isn’t a giant mound, and it isn’t a bitter bunch of leaves they don’t like. It worked for me growing up, and it works now – I still loathe cooked spinach, but I will tolerate them in with other greens.
I will eat them by themselves uncooked (a trick I learned from a vegetarian friend!) or on a sandwich in place of lettuce.
Love this article. I have an almost 2 and almost 4 who are both strong-willed (I call it resilient.) As a child, I behaved the same as my little ones. Again, great article!
Thanks for your kind words about the article, Shelly.
I love how you call your kids resilient, instead of strong-willed… I think it might be time for me to start making that shift as well. When I had started thinking of her as “strong-willed” (or an “orchid child”) instead of stubborn/defiant/etc. and connected back to how I myself was the same as a child, it made it a lot easier for me to be more compassionate with her. We’ve come a long way now. Perhaps its time for me to let go of “strong willed” and start embracing “resilient”. Hmmm… Thanks for the nudge!
What a fantastic article. Such a great read. As a mother of two extremely “defiant” girls (8&4) we often head towards stand offs and I am guilty of the things you mentioned “turn the TV off or else” without really having an “or else” and my children know that hence why they ignore me and never really listen, bargain with me or even just say “no” to me altogether…and when I get frustrated and shout they cry and act out and it all goes very downhill from there. We all end up crying and I sit alone afterwards and wonder how i could have handled the situation better but with this article I have been given new hope! I’m absolutely going to try some of your suggestions next time things get icy and I don’t know what direction to go…so, thank you 🙂 x
Hi Victoria,
I’m so glad the article helped you!
Regular confrontation is exhausting, and it also trains your kids to ignore you. We think we’re being strong by enforcing what we want but in many ways we’re undermining our own authority.
As I said to Geoff earlier, if you think about working with someone who rarely changes their mind and enforces every little statement they make, it doesn’t actually garner respect. It creates resentment.
Whereas, when we work with people who are reasonable and willing to be flexible, it’s much easier. We respect the fact that they’ll listen to our side of things, and we know that when they do become immovable the matter must be important.
So, ‘giving in’ is a far more powerful way of enhancing the relationship while fostering respect. It also leave you with more energy to deal with the really important issues. 🙂
My husband and I find ourselves often repeating the same thing over and over again to our five yr and she acts like she don’t even hear us but she does. She wants to watch TV while she eats when its a.school day so when her dad has to go to work early (he takes her to school on his way to work),/she thinks she can get me to let her watch TV but I always remind her that she need to eat first. She says she’s sorry for being bad and that she don’t want us to fuss at her but get this: she told me she acts bad so we wouldn’t fuss at her which makes no sense cause if she acts up, yeah I will fuss. She had me looking for her at the park when I told her she needed to get the sand out her shoes and put them on so we can go home. I kept telling her to do that and she just ignores me and I fuss at her since she wasn’t doing what I told her to and her baby sister was in the sand pit playing so I had to get her out and when I turned around my oldest was gone. Looked around the park and finally found her and asked why she took off. Her answer: I didn’t know where to go. She was behind me at the sand pit. I hadn’t even walked to the parking lot yet. All she.wanted was to play. She didn’t want to go home so she sneaks off to go play. She’s always doing the opposite if what she’s told. Even in school and yet she don’t want us to fuss at her but why do things to get fussed at for if you don’t want to get in trouble and be put in time out?
Hi Kisha,
Thanks for taking the time to comment. It certainly sounds like you’re having a challenging time!
It also sounds like the situation is quite ingrained. You’re doing the best you can to be calm and reasonable, and all too often you’re met with unreasonable behaviour. My elder daughter was just like this when she was younger. She often semed to go out of her way to do the ‘wrong’ thing.
I managed to turn her around and these days she really does her best to please. Here’s a few strategies that helped change things for us.
1. Tell Her “I love you just the way you are”. This might not seem related to the problems you’re having, but it’s powerful, because kids feel a lot of pressure to do the right thing. They feel like they’re not measuring up in all sorts of ways. Now, this doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong – you haven’t – it’s a common trait among only children, and also eldest children. Just tell her you love her the way she is whenever you get the chance.
2. Give Her Time. You know that your daughter wants your attention, and you probably think you give her plenty of it. And you do, in many ways. But you also have a lot on your plate, so giving her 100% of your attention is really hard. Talking to her when you’re getting ready to leave the house, are unpacking groceries, or are cooking dinner, doesn’t count. If you spend time one on one with your daughter, preferably twice a day, you’ll notice a big change. What you need to do is give her 100% of your attention for a few minutes, and let her choose what you’ll do during that time. Tell her “I want to start having special time with you every day. You can choose what we do. Right now we have five minutes, what would you like to do together?” Letting her choose the activity gives her a feeling of power and makes her feel important. Having this time where she has full control and your full attention, means she’s less likely to behave in attention-seeking ways at other times.
3. Ignore Her. When she’s showing her temper, or behaving badly just say “I don’t like this behaviour. I’m going away until you can behave nicely to me”. Then go to the other side of the room, or a few steps away. I found that when my daughter behaved badly, if I refused to focus on, look at, or engage with her, she soon stopped. I had to do it consistently, but calmly depriving her of any attention at this time was effective. I could stay calm, and we didn’t end up yelling at each other.
I hope that’s given you a few ideas and they make the big difference they made for us. 🙂
Cate, Kisha sent this reply by email. I am posting it here on her behalf for you to see.
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Kisha says
April 27, 2016 at 7:13 AM
Thanks! She’s a strong one. I guess I didn’t know the extent of my saying when i was younger that I wanted my future kids to have a back bone. I used to get picked on all the time until I decided to do something about it and it was always one boy I couldn’t stand so I felt that if I had kids some day that they be able to stand up for themselves. Didn’t know that meant against her parents too. Didn’t ask for that. Lol. But I will use your advice. Thanks so much!
My pleasure, Kisha 🙂
Hi Sumitha,
Thanks for a such a wonderful blog where we as parents can share our struggles with parenting without being judged.
I have 2 girls, oldest 4, youngest 2 years. Recently i have been met with the defiant behaviour by my oldest. I have always had a problem with her eating her meals whether it be breakfast, lunch or dinner. I would at times try to feed her so she gets something in her stomach since I’ve gone through her having tummy aches and throwing up because of this but i can’t do this all the time. So to try to get her to eat, i would give her 45 mins if she is not finish i would remove the plate would result in her screaming, yelling.
Bed time has also been a challenge. When its time for bed i usually separate them since they would be in the room playing so the oldest i let go to her room first then after she falls asleep i put the youngest in the room after she falls asleep. Recently, when i’m sending her to her room she refuses to go and just stand there ignoring me.
As a parent i feel like i’ve failed because i have tried my utmost best and this behavior the youngest is now adopting when she is there kicking, screaming when i’m lifting her to take her to her room. My husband works 3 jobs so he’s hardly ever home sometimes i just break down in tears.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks and God bless.
This is a great article. As a single father to a 7 year old girl, a very independent kid who is also smart and funny… except during stand offs, when backing down is not an option (her words)
I will absolutely try these strategies, starting tomorrow morning.
Thank you for posting this.
Sorry I don’t agree. Parenting your kids in that way is what brought me here for help with a defiant kid. They are kids we are the adults. They need to follow our rules until they are mature enough to appreciate that we are giving them the opportunity to make a choice for themselves. My parents would just have to look at me if I was doing something wrong and I would stop. Now everyone feels the need to discuss and analyze behavior with the child. Today’s children are more academically smarter then we were but they loose common sense.
You do have a point here. However our kids are not in the same environmental makeup as we grew up in and we do need to take that in consideration.
I’m at a loss because this is my typical route. I’m very straightforward with my 7yo son about my feelings and talk to him about his, about how it is okay to feel the way he is but not okay to be rude and disrespectful. Tonight I gave him 4 warnings leading up to bed time that it was calm down time and we would not be able to play any more games for the night, but I’d be happy to play games or go on a bike ride with him tomorrow before it got too late. He still threw a tantrum. After 3 more calm warnings that he was pushing me to my limit and he was going to go straight to bed early, I reached my limit. I warned him one more time if he didn’t listen I was going to turn into the not-so-calm mommy and, even though I love him very much, he was going to lose out on bed time snuggles because you can’t be mean to somebody and then expect them to snuggle you. That was at 8:30pm. Its now 2am and he is still not sleeping. He even pulled his underwear down and peed on his bed purposefully to try to make more time where I would have to clean up the mess. He has a night light and a 70lb catahoula leopard dog in his bed with him, he should not be afraid. However – he spends 2 nights a week at his dads and I recently found out they are up til midnight regularly and wake up at noon. If he wakes up before his dad, his dad makes him go back to sleep until he’s ready to get up himself. His dad sleeps in the same bed with him because he can’t afford another bed. His dad also does not enforce any kind of discipline and they basically play video games together all day. He absolutely adores his dad and I want him to have that relationship but this is a HUGE regression from where he was and I’m completely lost as to how to deal with it without losing my ever-loving mind and resorting to yelling.
Wow! Thank-you Cate Scolnik. Wonderful advice for a Grandparent newly parenting “Strong intelligent” Grandchildren. I am so very happy to have come across this wise advise..
I’m at a lost with my ten year old daughter . For the past 3-4 years I have been constantly arguing with her about her sneaking around at night time to watch tv. We have taken the Remote control out of her room we put the timer on and she still ignores all this and turn the tv back on and stays up to 3 am. I’ve talked to her I’ve explain she is being deceiving that she can’t function optimally if she’s not sleeping enough I do t know how to approach this it’s been years I’m about to remove her tv from her room aside from this she’s really good not aggressive rude very responsible her response is she doesn’t know why she does it knowing she will get in trouble. As a background she has thyroid problems , asthma allergies and as of last year stress and anxiety I don’t want to be confrontational but sometimes I explode any advise would be appreciated .
I would have removed the TV from her room. We have a rule – no TV in bedrooms, ours included. All kids computers stay downstairs. They don’t complain, because none of them have an access to electronics at night. It is just too easy for a child to lose control and sneak back into watching something interesting!
We usually watch something together in the evening, and go to bed.
I read this article and the comments and had to share my not so positive experience. For the past few nights my 4 year old son has become extremely defiant at bed time. He has his usual routine of story, brush teeth, get pj’s on and then it’s into bed for tucking in and “the things”. These things include high fives and a couple other insignificant things he likes to do like touch noses etc but lately the number of “things” has been increasing and when we finally say “it’s time to settle down to sleep now” he starts throwing things, when he is told that throwing things is not nice he simply smiles and continues. After being told firmly that we don’t throw things when we don’t have our own way he got out of bed and started throwing more things and it got to the point where he tried to topple his wardrobe and pull the radiator off the wall. As parents my wife and I are terrified that he is going to hurt himself and while we have tried to be more forgiving in what he can get away with we are met with the “why can’t I just do what I want to do” right before he starts throwing things. The night before last he hit me a few times and threw a glass ornament at me (this isn’t in his bedroom). We are at our wits end and we don’t want him to rule us.