You know how we have epiphanies as we grow older?

One of the most profound ones for me has been the realization that just because someone doesn’t agree with what you’re saying at the moment doesn’t mean that they don’t agree with you all the time or that they don’t like you anymore.

This simple realization has had a huge impact on my life.

Just recently, my parents and brother were in town for my daughter’s birthday. We were at dinner the night before her party, and my brother hadn’t put his phone down the entire half hour we’d been seated. I made a comment on this – that it’s not pleasant to share a meal with someone that can’t take their eyes away from their smart phones – and he stormed off, refusing to engage in any conversation.

This isn’t the first time he’s had a violent outburst of anger over a small conflict. As his family member, it upsets me that this happens so frequently.

While I tried to make amends over text message (the only way he was willing to communicate), I noticed something in what he was saying – he thought that any criticism of his actions was a criticism of him. He thought that if I respected him, then I would not say anything negative to him. And worst of all, he thought that disagreeing meant we couldn’t be friends.

I started to wonder why this might be. Did we not have good examples of conflict resolution growing up? Did we witness violent outbursts of anger? When I think back on it, I can’t remember my parents ever arguing. And while that may seem like a good thing, I think that may be where the problem lies.

In order to know how to handle conflict in a productive and healthy manner, we need models of healthy conflict resolution. While on one hand fighting and inflamed emotions only create pain, on the other, never seeing adults disagree means our children don’t know how to deal with conflicts at all.

Productive arguing and even conflict is good and can bring us closer when handled well. Among the many things we teach our kids, how to resolve conflict without resorting to either drama or fighting, or just simply sweeping it under the rug to fester, is very important.

Here are some ways we can teach our kids to argue in a way that builds connections, instead of destroying them:

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Isn’t it frustrating when your child resorts to attention-seeking behavior and nothing you do seems to snap them out of it?

It’s tiring to be the parent that everyone stares at because your child is constantly drawing attention at the most inopportune moment in the most embarrassing way.

Every day, millions of parents take their children into public settings with no issues at all. Their children stand out for their polite manners and quiet demeanor. These children’s parents are complimented and noticed for all of the right reasons.

Then there are parents that face the constant battle of trying to rein their children in for bringing attention to themselves for all of the wrong reasons.

Do you fall into the latter of the two categories?

What if I told you that you are not alone? That there are others out there that face the same challenges of attention-seeking behavior from their kids every single day?

I know because I was one of them. And still belong to the club some days.

However, having walked through this trial and having mostly broken out of the attention-seeking behavior my son displayed, I can shed some light on a few ways to keep your sanity while doing the same. I hope some of you find this helpful in your own journeys with your kids.

First Things First: Find the “Why?” That Drives the Attention-Seeking Behavior

Trying to find out why your child is seeking attention is always a good starting point. Ask yourself this question: why is my child acting this way?

In my case, my middle son is not my biological son. He is one of my stepchildren that I have adopted to raise as my own.

When we first got custody of him, he was an expert at causing a scene anytime, anywhere. He wanted to be sure everyone saw him, gave him attention, and that all of the attention went to him and not our other two children.

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Can you think of the most negative person that you know?

Most likely you can, and the emotions that you’ll experience as you think of them are not pretty.

The relationships that we have with negative people are often complicated and tense. The closer they are in our lives the more difficult our lives become as our desire to be free from negativity becomes entangled with our desire to be close to the one’s that we love.

In my case, the most negative person in my life was my mom.

I still remember the day like it was yesterday. I was 17 years old, excitedly hitting the load and reload button on my laptop. I was too impatient to wait until morning, and so I stayed up late in anticipation for my final grades of my final semester of high school.

Eventually, my grades loaded, and I excitedly read over the marks in each of my classes. Almost all my marks were A’s, except for Chemistry, which was a C+. Knowing that this grade didn’t affect my college application eased my feelings towards these particular results, and so I eagerly ran to tell my mom the good news.

I showed her my marks, letting her know how happy I was to receive mostly A’s for all of my hard work and effort. She sat, silent, barely nodding at me as she read her book. “Mom, Mom, I got all A’s. Well, except for one C+, but that doesn’t count,” I explained hurriedly.

Immediately my mom’s head shot up from her book. “You got a C+? Well, that isn’t very good,” were her first words of our conversation.

And just like that…

All my pride and excitement were instantly deflated. I had failed to make my mother proud, once again. Her simple comment uttered without a second thought created a thick veil of shame around me, one I had been familiar with my entire childhood.

If you are on this site, it’s probably because you want to embrace positivity for yourself and for your family. But, if you’ve experienced negativity in your past, no matter how big or small, you will need to make peace with it before you can move forward on your journey of positive parenting.

It is possible to find healing from the many wounds experienced by adult children who have complicated relationships with their parents.

One of the many benefits of journeying through the pain of your past is that you can finally take control of your future. You can become a parent that effectively disciplines, uses your words in a powerfully positive way for your children, while teaching your children about the importance of building character in their lives.

But how?

Dr. Laura Markham, the author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, a book that has helped me immensely in my own healing process says:

Positive parenting – sometimes called positive discipline, gentle guidance or loving guidance – is simply guidance that keeps our child on the right path, offered in a positive way that resists any temptation to be punitive. Studies show that’s what helps kids learn consideration and responsibility and makes for happier kids and parents.

Positive parenting teaches our children through respect and compassion that they are valued, regardless of their actions. Positive parenting does not shame, blame, punish, or criticize. Positive parenting does not expect of us perfection, but rather a teachable spirit, for both parent and child. Positive discipline guides children towards the right behavior, not through punishment, but by taking the disobedient behavior as a teachable moment.

If you’re like me, you might be reading this with stars in your eyes.

Positive parenting deserves a place amongst furry pink rabbits and sparkly unicorns.

This can’t be real life, can it?

If all you know of parenting is criticism, shame and fear, then moving past those experiences into positive parenting can feel impossible.

I’ve had those thoughts too. I’d once heard:

A mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions.
– Oliver Holmes

That has definitely been true in my case. Ever since I found out about positive parenting, I just can’t leave the idea behind. I just can’t go back to parenting in the same critical, punitive way that I was raised.

It can seem quite challenging to make peace with your past and move on to being a positive parent. But it can be done.

Here are 7 steps that helped me in this journey –
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Isn’t it amazing how you turn out to be exactly the kind of parent you swore you would never become?

Before I had kids, I was pretty sure I wouldn’t ever be a hovering Helicopter Parent. After all, I had grown up running free on my family farm with my brother and cousins, coming home only for lunch and dinner.

But somewhere along the way the wires between trying to be a supportive, positive parent and a hovering, helicopter parent got crossed.

Before I knew it, I’d got a job at the preschool my children attended just so I could keep an eye on them. My son’s teacher started to avoid me at school pick-up because I would “chat” and subtly ask for a progress report or suggestions about what else we could do at home to help him reach his full potential.

Heck, my helicoptering tendencies had sneaked into even the most mundane aspects of our everyday life. At one point, I had a 20 minute safety routine just so the kids could play in the yard.  Complete with sunhats, sunscreen, locking the gates to the fenced (of course) backyard, and putting out three reflective cones into the cul-de-sac so cars would know to drive slowly lest one of the children figure out how to undo the lock and make a break for freedom.

And then I followed 2 feet behind them for the entire 15 minutes we were outdoors.

Sounds a bit familiar? Nobody sets out to be a helicopter parent. But, it kind of creeps on you, doesn’t it? Here are 10 more signs.

You Might Be a Helicopter Parent if…

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Right now, your child trusts you. You are the source of all good things. She knows if she hurts herself or is hungry or needs information, she can ask you for help.

But how can you make sure your young child grows into someone who will continue to come to you when life gets seriously difficult?

In the middle of a divorce and losing my job, the last people I wanted to speak with were my parents. They are the people who care for me more than anyone else in the world and who would probably give their lives to save mine. And yet, my parents were unavailable to me simply because I was afraid of their judgment and harsh criticism.

These are people who love me and support me and care about me and want me to be successful and happy. But I just couldn’t bring myself to talk to them.

It was too risky. I was terrified of the inevitable reprisals, repercussions and emotional damage that I believed would result from honest communication with the people responsible for my very life.

Mine wasn’t an unusual predicament. Consider the following:

• a young man agonizing over a career decision; he just can’t figure things out
• a rejected teen hurting so badly she can’t imagine ever being happy again; she seriously contemplates hurting herself
• a young woman being harassed in school; she has no one to talk to about her fears
• a furious, confused young man; he just bought an illegal handgun

Why can’t these people confide in their parent or caregiver?

One of the most puzzling things to me as a parent reading Harry Potter series to my children was this: “WHY doesn’t he ask an adult for help?!”

The characters would find themselves in dangerous, frightening or difficult situations that could be easily resolved with a word or suggestion or small act by an adult in the child’s life, but they never asked for help.

Perhaps one reason that series is so popular was that it accurately portrays a universal childhood problem. Many adolescents and young people say they cannot talk to their parents. They believe there is no adult in their life that will listen or understand.

It’s tragic, isn’t it?

Parents, the people who love their children more than anyone in the world, are not available when their children really need help.

Recently, in a Humans of New York Post, a young woman said she loved her parents but had to lie to them a lot because they were conservative Christians. She believes their beliefs prevent honest communication.

Shuddering, I remembered the following conversation I recently overheard in a doctor’s office. The child was a young girl, about thirteen, and her mother was talking to her while working on her mobile phone.

Child: I don’t know what to do about Michael.

Mom: What do you mean? He’s such a nice boy, I’m so glad you are spending time together. His parents are very active in church; I just love them.

Child: I love him too, and he says he “wants” me.

Mom: Well, he’s a good boy and you’re a good girl. You know better than to get yourself into trouble. Remember what happened to that awful Christine? I heard she is having the baby. Trashy girl, trashy family. I can’t believe you were ever friends.

Child: Yeah. Sure. Of course.

The girl stopped talking. Her mother, still working on her phone, didn’t see the grim expression on her daughter’s face. It was heartbreaking. The mother had no idea how badly her well-meant words were received. The child was certain her mother wasn’t going to be of any use to her.

Both were missing a wonderful opportunity to communicate.

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