Kids are cute. But boy, can they press our buttons.
Aren’t you sometimes awed by how easily your little angels can push you to the edge?
I know I am!
51% of my time as a parent is filled with joy. The other 49% is spent managing my own internal turmoil from interacting with a growing, curious being learning her way to function in the world with nary a trace of concern for the havoc she wreaks in me.
So, it is with a smile on my face (and the mantra “this too shall pass” playing in a loop in my head) that I present to you this list of “behavioral issues” in children that have driven me mad as a mother and an ex-teacher… but I am learning to cope with, because of how instrumental they are in helping a child learn, grow and develop.
#1 Throwing Tantrums
“I want sweets now.”
I’m in the middle of cooking dinner. I’ve had a busy day. I’m tired. My spider senses are starting to tingle with the premonition that I’m going to be part of a train wreck. I muster up the last of my calm control and respond, “In this family, we only have sweets after dinner.”
The incessant demand for sweets soon turns to screaming that has me boiling like the soup I was brewing for the family.
Why do they behave like this?
Tantrums come from feelings of anger and sadness both intertwined and indicates immaturity of the pre-frontal cortex that regulates emotions and social behavior. This immaturity has been inferred to play a role in helping a child learn language much faster than adults.
What is good about this?
This indicates the child has freedom of feeling greater than the judgement that some feelings are bad. In some children, it may also be an indication of deep emotions and thus potential passion.
Suggested Action
Nurture language and emotional regulation skills by stating their emotions and how the parent plans to respond. For example, “You are feeling angry and sad now. I will come and give you a hug as soon as I can take my hands off the soup on the stove.” Then ignore the tantrum until the child has fully expressed her anger. DO NOT QUESTION them when there’s still anger. Their brains are not ready to process information when extremely agitated. After their anger is spent and there’s only sadness, comfort them.
#2 Being Easily Distracted
This refers to the child who constantly fidgets, who can’t sit still and is easily distracted by the slightest sound or movement.
Why do they behave like this?
This indicates “more brains” – more left superior parietal lobe matter of the brain. As we age, pathways within our brain are trimmed for efficiency which also reduces distractibility.
What is good about this?
Superior parietal lobe has been linked to writing, is used in spatial orientation, and receives a great deal of visual input as well as sensory input from one’s hand awareness.
Suggested Action
Keep their hands busy while they learn. Most intuitively, keep their hands busy with a related activity. For example, when encouraging them to read independently, we can suggest for them to hold the book independently, to point to each word they are decoding and turn the page themselves after they are done with that.
A homeschool teacher had also successfully gotten fidgety children to learn by playing unrelated games (e.g., throwing foam balls to and fro with her student) while assessing them on addition or letting a student play with Mr Potato Head while going through the Slope Formula. The underlying principle is to help them discover the best conditions for their personal learning and performance.
#3 Not Finishing Tasks
It is important to distinguish whether the child “gives up” on activities in general or only in selected activities. For example, my daughter is able to work her way through a 20-piece jigsaw puzzle by herself but does not complete coloring activities.
Why do they behave like this and what is good about this?
If they’re just abandoning some of the activities, it is an indication of our children’s gifts and inclinations – activities in which they persevere less in are those which they are more bored with. We should try to enrich their environments more with the activities they love.
Suggested Action
However, if lacking perseverance is habitual or showing in high-stake areas, one thing to look at is to relate “boring” topics with their interests. For example, “I wonder how fast that rugby player runs to outrun his opponents. Shall we find out?” is one way to relate speed, a concept in Maths with the subject of rugby so that they are kept motivated.
To help them develop strategies in self-regulation so they can persevere, help them break down a difficult task into contiguous milestones. For example, my student’s complaint that “Algebraic Fractions” is too hard has us breaking it down into the pre-requisite concepts of “Fractions” and “Quadratic Equations”. After revisiting the foundations, “Algebraic Fractions” become a lot easier to tackle.
#4 Making Rash Choices
Has your heart ever leapt out of your mouth when you see your child dashing to the road? Or know of them experimenting with their lifestyles in ways that made you cringe?
Why do they behave like this?
Their frontal lobe (which helps in assessing risks) is not as connected to the rest of the brain compared to adults.
What is good about this?
They are maximising opportunities to push the envelope and tread paths that had not been explored before. This is a sign of innovation and courage.
Suggested Action
Younger children can be physically restrained in situations that can lead to disastrous consequences (e.g., playing with electrical sockets.) For parents of older children, work with them on why these decisions feel good to them. Can the joy be replicated in a safer situation (e.g., getting proper instructions in driving race cars in a driving school rather than racing on public roads)?
#5 Being Straight Shooting
Do I see other raised hands of parents who have ever been mortified by what your children said in public? For me, I remember wanting to hide when I overheard my daughter proclaiming loudly once that I had dug my nose before leaving my home that morning.
Why do they behave like this?
Empathy is a skill to be learned much like riding a bicycle or arithmetic.
What is good about this?
Their lack of fear in expressing how they feel indicates a sense of security, honesty and being observant.
Suggested Action
At an appropriate time, help them to understand gently how we feel when these embarrassing anecdotes are shared with the public. Ask them not to share these publicly so that we will not be embarrassed. But be prepared to go through this cycle of embarrassment-then-explanation again. And again.
#6 Being Uncooperative
You’re running late. You’ve told your child twice already that she needs to stop playing and get her shoes on. And yet there she is, completely oblivious to your rising stress levels, continuing to play like you haven’t said a word. Ugh!
Why do they behave like this?
Does this happen only occasionally or habitually? Is this with just one caregiver or with everyone? If it happens habitually with selected adults, it may be an indication to reflect on the relationship the adult has with the child.
What is good about this?
It indicates that the child is no pushover and has certain ideas of what they don’t want to do and feels free to express their preferences.
Suggested Action
Children learn better from teachers they like. This applies to parents too because “parents are a child’s first teachers.” Reflect on the relationship and consider how we can be better supporters of our children. For instance, are we habitually saying “no” to the child too? If so, can we re-phrase our responses to them in a positive statement? (For example, instead of “no, don’t touch the vase”, just move the vase out of reach or try distracting using something along the lines of “let’s go and play playdough!”)
What are the best opportunities for us to show that we are on the same page as them?
#7 Not Being Friendly
“Hello little girl!” A security guard at the gate whom we see on a regular basis brightly greets my daughter whenever he sees her. My daughter almost always just silently observes him without responding back.
Why do they behave like this?
This would not apply to all children and though I am hugely embarrassed by this, it is a result of my daughter having inherited both my husband’s and my reticence. Her personality is that of a quiet observer who will prefer to stand aside, watch a while before acting.
What is good about this?
These indicate strengths of wariness and caution, which is key for keeping themselves safe. After all, aren’t they children in an adult world?
Suggested Action
While we help my daughter to understand that we can be friendly without being totally trusting, my husband and I are striving to model friendly greetings too. We realised that when we proactively greet, she has a higher tendency to greet too. It is fundamentally about helping her to feel that being friendly is safe and that there are other social tools to protect ourselves should the need arise.
#8 Having High Energy Level
“Mummy, mummy, why is Xi (her playdate for that day) running?”
“That’s because we are near the playground and he is within sight of his mother.”
It probably took this three-year-old just a split second to realise the same condition applied to her too and without giving me a chance to articulate any warnings, she was off and running. Within seconds, she was almost out of my sight.
Why do they behave like this?
They have lots of physical energy and have the curiosity to drive it.
What is good about this?
This indicates willingness to explore, in the process of improving a skill (in my example given above, it will be the skill of running) and openness to experiment. Aerobic fitness also helps in the white matter integrity of the brain.
Suggested Action
Bring them to safe places to expend their energy and test their physical limits. For my pre-schooler, trampoline parks and outdoor playgrounds are a favourite. For older kids, interests like rock climbing, swimming, martial arts, sports or dance will help them stretch their physical capability. Fundamentally, it is helping them to understand that there are safe and designated places to express their inner needs.
#9 Messiness
Messy play, the activity my daughter loves most currently, is also one thing that drives me bonkers. Mealtimes usually mean food is all over the place as my daughter tears the bread she has into shapes of fish, giraffe or other assorted animals. There are also times when I dipped my bread into the dispenser containing a mixture of olive oil and vinegar only to taste fish oil – my daughter had poured the supplement in it to observe what happens.
Why do they behave like this?
These are attempts to ask questions and experiment with materials to find answers.
What is good about this?
These are definite indications of experimentation and exploration for my daughter and I can sometimes feel like I’m seeing her mind working as she spots the meat sinking into the soup while the leafy vegetables floats.
Suggested Action
Adults can support children as they learn from play experiences. Provide materials like sand and water, clay and paint, as well as props to enhance play. This is definitely an indication that I need to enrich her play variety beyond the meal table. Again, it is helping our children to understand that there are appropriate places to explore their needs – the need for novel, tactile experiences which are exciting for her currently.
#10 Moodiness
After a hard day whether at work or at home, we wish to see a happy child who will light up our day with a bright smile and chirpy voice. Yet because of the demands of their day, the opposite may be what confronts us when we meet them after a long day.
Why do they behave like this?
All kids go through periods of moodiness, negativity and disequilibrium when they go through rapid growth spurts.
What is good about this?
This indicates safety and freedom to express what they feel.
Suggested Action
We support them through this process by trying to see through their eyes – empathise with their feelings and being sensitive about the activities of their day and how it may affect their energy and moods. For young children, predictable routines are comforting. Also, help them to learn that though their emotions are valid and acceptable, the ways these are expressed will need to be moderated. For example, lashing out at others is not acceptable, but it is ok to frown and play alone for a while.
The 2-Minute Action Plan for Fine Parents
Which of the above “behavioral issues” in your child do you have the most challenge with? Experiment with the relevant “Suggested Action” and see how it can be tweaked to support the growing needs of your child. Then tell us how it works for you!
The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents
Over the course of the next week, consider how you can support your kids to accept all emotions, even the supposedly “bad” ones which trigger these behavioral issues to be expressed.
How can you be fully present with them in their boredom, anger, playfulness and joy?
Also, for the “bad” emotions, how can we direct our kids to express their emotions more appropriately, through creative outlets? For instance, it is not right for them to hit out at their siblings when angry but playing an angry song on a musical instrument is fine in the family.
The 10 “behavioral issues” shown above are a result of certain emotions they go through and the feelings they have towards the situations or people. Although these become sources of frustration, disappointment, blood-boiling anger and sometimes just leaded fear in our hearts, our full presence with them and calm leadership during those moments are the magical turning points of helping them become more self-regulated, emotionally intelligent and empathetic people who will one day make a difference in others’ lives.
Do we stand together to nurture a fine child?
Additional Resources:
- Decoding Everyday Kid Behaviors (A collection of articles by 30 different bloggers about the behaviors they’ve noticed in their kids with wonderful explanations. Highly Recommended.)
- Timeline of Challenging Early Childhood Behaviour (Broken up by age! An amazing resource)
- Parenting the “High-Needs” Older Child