Did you ever notice how pregnant women and parents with little kids seem to naturally attract all kinds of unsolicited advice?
When I was pregnant, so many people told me, “Try to enjoy your child. You’ll be amazed at how quickly the time goes.”
What exactly does that even mean?
I wondered for a bit, but ultimately like so much other unwarranted wisdom sent my way in those long months of pregnancy, I cast it aside.
And, for the first three months of her life, I did think that I was enjoying my daughter.
It’s true, I was a bit anxious to get back to work and to taming the garden, and the holidays were just around the corner, and… well, there was always something.
Sometimes, I would even think to myself, how exactly does one enjoy the 3 a.m. shrieking that never ends, the explosive diapers, the teething that gets worse with every tooth?
However, I remember clearly the moment when everything changed.
My mom had come up for the weekend to help with Christmas shopping. It had been a fun day, although as usual I felt mentally exhausted having to arrange every outing around my 4-month-old daughter’s demanding feeding schedule. By that Saturday evening I was, as usual, out of breath, picking up dirty bibs and toys and wondering how a child who could barely move on her own could leave such a mess in her wake.
Walking past the nursery door I saw my mom rocking her granddaughter. Madison was already long asleep and so I asked my mom if she wanted a hand moving the baby to the crib or a book to read while she sat.
Mom shook her head. “I’m happy,” she whispered. Then she closed her eyes, tucked her nose against Madison’s head, and smiled.
Out of nowhere, I felt a vicious clawing at my heart.
That smile, that peaceful look of complete contentment, was what I had signed on for. That was supposed to be my bliss. Why was I standing in the doorway with a handful of dirty laundry battling the most intense jealousy I’d ever felt?
That was the moment I took that unsolicited advice and put a priority on enjoying my child.
What Does It Mean To Be Present?
Without putting a name to it, I began striving that day to be more “present” in the moments I spent with my daughter. I didn’t realize at the time that mindful parenting was my goal. Psychology Today describes mindfulness as
a state of active, open attention on the present… Instead of letting your life pass you by, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to experience.
Like so many people, I’ve spent my entire life looking forward to something, scheduling things in for the future, that I’ve forgotten how to enjoy the here and now.
Even with the goal of being a better parent, mindfulness has been a tougher journey than I ever imagined.
For me, this has come in several steps:
- Accepting that kids discover the world by being messy.
- Stopping to help when it matters.
- Accepting that tantrums and arguments are brief moments in time.
- Using technology on my time, not her time.
- Taking every opportunity to talk or listen.
- Writing what I want to remember.
1. Mindfulness Can Be Messy
I have found that being more present as a parent has made me more forgiving of major messes. The more I focus on being present with my daughter, the more I appreciate her delight in the squish of soft mud between her fingers or the tornado of toys that litter our living room.
Among other things, Madison and I spend a great deal of time in the garden together. Planting is a meditative activity for me and a world of wonder for her. At first it was difficult for me to watch her sink into the dirt and gently spread it over her legs like it was suntan lotion. The laundry! The washing!
But mindfulness means focusing on now—not an hour from now when it’s time to shake the dirt out of her pants or the grass from her hair. Mindfulness, for me, has meant taking a deep breath and watching the small smile on her face as she experienced a new tactile sensation and for possibly the first time brought something to her nose to explore rather than her mouth.
Somehow, laundry and cleaning always sorts itself out easily enough even without me worrying about it in advance.
2. Help When Asked
At one-year-old, Madison already gives off the impression that she knows everything there is to know about life. So when she comes tugging at my pants leg as I make dinner, holding up a doll who needs her bottle, I put down what I’m doing and fix what needs to be fixed.
Who knows how much longer she’ll believe I can fix everything?
Of course it’s not always reasonable for me to stop what I’m doing to attend to my daughter. And there are definitely times when I think she benefits more from me saying “no” or “wait.”
But acknowledging her problems and offering solutions for her crises forces me to stop and recognize the things that are important to her now. It’s a good habit to build for the future when the crises are much more significant.
3. Accept the Bad Times
There are definitely times that are harder to enjoy than others and when I’d rather be anywhere else.
For example, diaper changing is a chore that I dread because it’s an activity that Madison hates. On the days when I’m doing a better job of enjoying myself, I find that it’s easier to accept her changing-time contortions as her reminder to me that she hates to be confined. Recognizing that she’s acting out as a way to express herself, not simply to upset me, makes its easier to brainstorm a way to distract us both with a song or game rather than simply wishing I were somewhere else.
Viewing the worst tantrums as a way of testing limits—one that every child goes through—has made it easier to accept the bad times and remain focused on what my daughter is accomplishing by acting out.
4. Put Away the Toys
It was seductively easy to feed my child with a smartphone in one hand, watching the world outside through the screen and ignoring the world beginning in my arms. It’s comforting to know I’m not the only one with this problem; the Wall Street Journal once posed the question: “Is high-tech gadgetry diminishing the ability of adults to give proper supervision to very young children?”
I’m not going to claim I’ve given up entirely the habit of reading the news or blogs like this one. But I have tried to become more selective of when I glance at the phone. It doesn’t come out until we’ve finished studying one another’s faces and she has fallen into a restful sleep. It’s never touched during dinner or the half hour before bath when the entire family is most relaxed.
And if I must use the phone for some other purpose, I try to explain to her what I’m doing and involving her in the action: “See the picture, Madison? It looks like it will rain today so we’ll go to the library instead of the park.”
I don’t want to send the message that the screen is more important to me than her in that moment in time.
5. Keep the Conversation Going
Experts agree that talking to your child is one of the best ways to build vocabulary, social skills and even shape their ability to learn.
It was easy to do this at home, playing a favorite game and talking or singing nonstop. But the first time Madison was able to ride in the cart in the grocery store, I was embarrassed at how many heads we turned by my steady stream of descriptions of produce and colors. Finally an older woman stopped me and said, “What a beautiful little girl you have.”
I smiled, realizing that nobody but Madison thought twice about the one-sided conversation. While I know it’s a benefit to her, I’ve found it to be a tremendous benefit for me as well. Every errand speeds by more quickly when done with my little companion and every trip to the bank or gas station becomes an adventure of “who will we meet next?”
6. Relive It Through Writing
One of the best pieces of advice I’ve received on my journey toward being a more mindful parent came from a conversation with a stranger.
I was sitting on a bench outside, bouncing my nearly-walking child on my lap, when a friendly grandmother of two came and sat next to me. As we talked about children, the woman sighed and said if she had to do it all over again, she’d follow the advice a friend had given her and write down one sentence every day, that one thing that made her laugh or made her think or even that made her angry. So many of those moments, she said, had been lost in time.
There’s something about the act of writing that helps us to relive a moment and file it more securely in our memory banks. By planning this contemplation period each evening, during the course of the day I find myself more frequently thinking, “This is a moment I want to remember forever.”
Recognizing that at the time actually helps me to keep myself in the present.
So, yes. Back in the day when I was still pregnant and had a very different idea of what parenting was, I received a lot of unsolicited advice and rolled my eyes about it (like “Sleep plenty now since you won’t be able to later” — because I can totally store sleep like a camel stores food).
But there’s one I’ve decided to take — to be present and to “enjoy” my child the best I can.
The 2-Minute Action Plan
Are you ready to be a more mindful parent? Ask yourself the following questions:
- What is one activity or part of your day that you wish you could find a way to enjoy? After taking a step back, is there a way to involve your child in this activity that could make it more enjoyable for you?
- When you start an activity with your child, are you thinking about the mess you’ll have to clean up? The tantrum that hasn’t yet started? The activities you should be doing instead? Or are you focused only on the activity at hand?
- Do you feel you’re missing out on your son’s or daughter’s childhood? Or that you miss the time behind you more than you’re excited for this instant that you are with your kids?
There aren’t any right or wrong answers to these questions. They’re simple ways to determine where you are and if you’re ready to build new habits. Good luck with being a more mindful parent!
The Long-Term Action Plan
To begin/continue on your path toward being a more mindful parent, consider taking the following easy steps this week:
- Set a half hour block each day where all technology (remotes, telephones, tablets) go on a shelf or in a basket and instead spend that time committed to taking part in whatever you are doing with your kids.
- On your next errand, make a point of talking to your kids about what you are doing and everything you see around you. Listen to their feedback.
- Pick your least favorite activity—diaper changes, homework time, an argument about dessert—and see if there’s a new way to approach it. What causes this distress? Is it something that can be changed by paying closer attention to the cause or being more present in the solution?
Find a notepad and write down one sentence each night before bed about something that happened that day that made you smile.
[Sumitha’s Note: I can’t vouch for this enough – we have a nightly routine of saying a prayer of gratitude for what we love the most on any given day, and from what I can tell, this is the spark that triggered all the major changes and transformation in our family.]
Love the tips and questions in this post! I’ll be suggesting Step #1 of the LT Action Plan to our family this week – so looking forward to the good fruit that it will produce and to watching my family really connect!
I would like to note that while we can all identify with Meghan’s story, mommas should also not put SO much pressure on themselves, especially in that intense first 6 months. Barely a momma out there is soaking up their lil’ 4 mos old after they have long been asleep because they too are hoping to sleep or have other people or things in the home to care for. It’s the nature of being MOM. That’s a grandmother’s job. She has been where you are and now she gets to revel in each moment of time spent w/her grandchild as she wished she could have with her own…I’m sure. Ask your moms, your not alone. Love!
My best friend told me the same thing when I was still in the hospital with my daughter–“Before you know it, she’ll be in preschool.” I thought, well holy cow, she’s days old, I have plenty of time. Well, she was right. Now my DD is in 4th grade. It’s different since you have a baby still, Megan (mine is a Meghan 🙂 ), but then the school days, the full days, mean less time with them but also helping them learn and grow (like any other day, really). I try to do as much as I can while she is in school and give that time to her when she comes home. I miss her when summer ends and school begins. You still need to be aware of mindfulness with them in all of the summer days, though, too. I read somewhere that between the time her kids come home and go to bed, one woman said all electronics are off for her.
As she gets older I try to be mindful of her moods and reactions to things in being there for her so she wants to talk to me and I can be a proper listener. Arguments tend to weigh on me and I can see I can learn a lot from my DD as she lets it slide off.
They’re awesome little people, love, nuture, appreciate and hug them more than often. 🙂
That’s a great point, Bernadette, about those full school days. Now that I do finally understand this advice, I really appreciate the reminders from parents of older kids about the importance of soaking up the time available. And I agree, it’s amazing what I’ve learned from paying closer attention to the little one, so excited for the lessons ahead!
@JoLynnH, I’m one of those mommas you mentioned 😉 Unlike Megan, I understood what “enjoy your kids” means only when my daughter was 3 years old or so… and it makes my heart heavy when I think of all the time I lost and memories that never got made. So, while I wouldn’t quite call it pressure, I do feel a very deep need to really spend some good time with my daughter, to just “be” there and really connect with her.
@Bernadette, SO happy you mentioned being mindful to your daughter’s moods and reactions, and becoming a better listener — that’s exactly where I’m at right now as well! I sometimes get so caught up in all the things I need to get done and it takes intentional commitment to be present and listen. Other days, it just comes naturally. Hopefully, someday, it will come natural more and more of the time!
@Megan, you are doing great by staying so open minded. It wasn’t until my daughter was almost 3 that I had the “aha” realization — how I wish I could read this article when my daughter was younger! 🙂
Megan, you did a BEAUTIFUL job on this post, and I loved that story about your mom being “happy” holding your baby. What a wake-up call for all of us.
I am co-director of Power of Moms (www.powerofmoms.com), and you and Sumitha are EXACTLY the kinds of role models we love promoting.
Looking forward to checking out your blog further!
Warmly, April
Thank you so much for the wonderful support, April! Power of Moms is such a huge source of inspiration for me… I particularly love the free 5 Steps to Stress Less eBook you sent me (among the many other goodies) when I signed up…
I wish I had come across your site when my daughter was born or when I was pregnant. I don’t know how much damage is done but I hope the little changes I plan to bring about in my parenting will have some positive effect on my daughter who is now 8 years old. My first action will be to devote 30 minutes each day exclusively to her – Mon to Friday, after she comes back home from school and takes her tea and snacks. Saturday and Sunday her father and she are inseparable. Might try to get in somehow :).
I have always looked after her studies till now. She has straight A’s in all the subjects. From this year, I noticed a kind of rebellion in her. I found when I fell sick that she took over the responsibilities of her studies pretty well. Therefore on the advice of my husband, I have stopped bullying her to study (though sometimes I slip through) and let her study at her own pace. She even chooses the time when she will sit down to study. I only help her when she asks for it. This has been going on for the best part of this year and till date there is no complaint from the teacher. Hopefully, she will fly through the term-end exam too; the difference being this time she will do it on her own.
Awww… thanks for saying that, Indrani! 🙂 I don’t think it’s ever too late to start connecting more with our kids. Our kids will be our kids, and even if they are grown up and have kids of their own, they will appreciate a closer bond with us!
I started the rule of no work-related stuff from the time my daughter comes home from school till dinner time and it has made a dramatic difference in the quality of our relationship. I’ve noticed that putting “work” on the back burner for just those few hours and focusing on the domestic stuff helps me slow down and really listen to her, appreciate the little things that would have otherwise slid by unnoticed and even enjoy cooking (!). Consequently, it has made her a lot more open to share and I get to hear all the little nitty-gritty details of her day at school, which I used to worry before that she never shares with me.
About studying and homework, I liked and adopted what her school suggested we do — be available, but don’t interfere. So far it has worked out for us. Looks like that what you are trying now as well. I’d love to hear how it works out for you in the long run!
Take care, and so happy to have you on board 🙂
Megan!
Thank you so much for this post. I’ve been pouring over websites this week, trying to come up with creative, inspirational ideas to add to my 2015 journal. I make one for my mom and myself each year.
I love your reminder that tantrums and arguments are brief moments in time. (this too shall pass!!!!!)
I also want to try your 2-minute action plan to help with some of my stressful moments each day.
Thanks and God Bless!
And I love your idea about the inspirational journal! Sounds like a great way to keep these kinds of reminders fresh and present. Here’s to a stress-free 2015!
I’m sorry that I just can’t relate to this article too much. I have 2 small kids of 2 and 5 years old and every single time I hear “enjoy them, time just go so fast”, “oh isn’t that amazing how time just flies” I just want to pull my hair. I’m sorry but the people who say that, never spent 24 hrs with their kids 365 days!!! Time is only going fast when somebody else is taking care of them, when they are in the nursery, etc!!! It’s just such a hard and constant work that never ends, over and over and over again!!! And your mother was so happy to hold your baby because she’s not the one to take care of her 24 hrs, she is the grandmother that has her own life, that has all the freedom, sleep in the world, no worrries and all the time to just enjoy her role, she’s not the 24 hrs responsible mother!!!
We are not all the same and I just can’t relate to your advices!!! Have you ever been so sick that you couldn’t get up but you just pushed your self to the maximum because there was no other option and you had to take care of two children? Have you ever been in the situation where the entire family was really sick with fever and vomiting and your husband ended up in the ER?!!! How do you enjoy these moments?!!!
I’m sorry again but one kid is a breeze, especially when they grow up and they are independent, two is a totally different story and so on. So yeah, I wish I could enjoy them and say that I feel so amazing and this time it’s the best of my life and very rare-when I get the chance to do something for my self and they are not with me-I do get relaxed and then I am great with them.
Anyhow I will never understand the “enjoy your baby, they grow so fast”!!!
Try being a single mother – maybe your negative attitude is the reason you don’t enjoy them? I know I’ve been both – you are your children’s mirror so if you are radiating stress and negativity, then that’s what your children will give you back.
Hi, I know this thread is a bit old now, but I wanted to say I understand where you’re coming from and think Ffyyfyy was being unnecessary harsh towards you. I don’t know how much help the author was getting, but I feel like the joy makes up a small part of the day, and tedium/boredom the major part. I only have one child and she is two. I found her much easier to look after before she could walk, and demand things at the supermarket. I also don’t feel like time is flying.
Hi, Thanks for your great article. I learned some very new stuff from your article. This quote is really mind-blowing “a state of active, open attention on the present… Instead of letting your life pass you by, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to experience.”
I applied your technique, is very easy and very effective.thanks
Being able to be more present in the lives of your children is very important for each of us as parents , this is a really good read thanks alot