When was the last time you felt guilty and inadequate as a parent?
A year ago? Last week? This morning?
You get a call from your child’s teacher, and they want to set up a conference about his behavior. And you can’t help but wonder what you could have done differently.
Your teenage daughter is not happy, and you just know it’s your fault.
Your son is struggling to make friends. If only you had been more attentive.
Your aunt criticizes your handling of your child, saying she would certainly be behaving differently in their house. And she probably wouldn’t have ADHD either. And you want to crawl into a tight ball.
Your toddler fell out of a high chair and hit his head. In the middle of a restaurant. With patrons all around. And you just…
That last example is mine.
We were just finishing up lunch and getting ready to leave when my rambunctious toddler tried to climb out of his high chair and fell backward, hitting his head on the floor. SPLAT.
As I grabbed him up into my arms and headed for the car, one lovely waiter offered to bring some ice. One woman followed me out to tell me that I should call 911 because his brain was probably swelling. “I’m taking him to the ER” was all I could utter.
Less than an hour later, my son was running around the exam room of the ER, trying to play with the instruments. They kept us for a couple of hours and said that he wasn’t showing any signs of a concussion.
As I thought back on the horrific scene, I remembered the eyes of the fellow patrons, with their hands to their mouths, shaking their heads in condemnation.
I had carried my son out of there in shame.
I replayed the moment continuously in my head, hearing the sound of his head hitting the floor over and over again. It seemed to reverberate in my mind.
If banging my head against the wall could have erased the memory, I would gladly have done so.
Instead, to save my own sanity, in the days and weeks following this incident, I devised six steps that helped me let go of the guilt and even equipped me to handle future guilt trips.
Here are six steps that you can use to let go of guilt and fear:
1) Identify the Trigger
When we got home from the ER that night, all of the shoulds and shouldn’ts began to run through my head. I should have strapped him into the seat. I shouldn’t have turned my head. I should have put him on the floor before packing up (but then I would have worried about him running outside). I should have caught him on the way down.
As the scene replayed repeatedly in my head, the trigger for my guilt became obvious: my son’s fall made me feel like an incompetent parent. That I had failed as a parent. The fact that it was in such a public way only added insult to injury.
In analyzing this process, I have learned that identifying the trigger was the first step towards getting past the guilt.
2) When in Doubt, Reach Out
I decided to reach out on Facebook, posting about the incident to see if any of my friends had experienced this before. The stories and support came pouring in.
Apparently every one of my friends who had raised children had a story of their own to share. Those who knew me knew what kind of mother I was, and they assured me that “shit happens,” and the most important thing was that my son was fine now.
While Facebook and other social media platforms are notorious for generating ill-will, I discovered that they can also serve to support us when we need reassurance. I learned that when I am in doubt, I can reach out.
3) Recognize a Thought Pattern and Change It
Buoyed by support, I realized I needed to change my thought patterns, so I employed a technique that is called “Thought Records” in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. The main idea of this technique is to evaluate arguments for and against a thought next to each other.
In this instance, whenever I had the thought “I’m an incompetent mother,” I would then think of the times I caught my son, and avid climber, before he fell. I would think of the times I had advocated for my son, who was born with medical special needs, and had successfully gotten him the best possible care.
When I consciously thought about it, for every negative reason my brain conjured up for supporting the fear that I was an incompetent person, I could come up with several where I was doing a good job taking care of my son.
The restaurant scene eventually stopped playing in a loop in my head. I learned that I could recognize a thought pattern and change it.
4) Recognize When Your Ego Has Exerted Its Influence
What made me more prone to guilt and shame in my parenting, while others could say “shit happens”?
For this I turned to the book The Conscious Parent by Shefali Tsabary, Ph.D. where she says
“None of us likes to be perceived as an incompetent parent. Our ego needs to be seen as a superlative parent. Anytime we feel less perfect than what we wish to be, we experience anxiety because we believe we have “fallen” in the eyes of others.”
Could the words have been more apropos? I found comfort in the chance to recognize when my ego had exerted its influence.
For me, my tendency toward perfectionism was deeply triggered when I felt that I had failed as a parent in such a public way. I learned that recognizing the pattern of behavior I tended to engage in when my ego exerted its influence gave me the space I needed to look at the situation from a more logical standpoint.
5) Find Your Center
I’m a Reiki therapist and teacher, so in the days and weeks after the incident, my go-to when I wanted to get back to center was to do Reiki, but I also spent time in nature with my family, exercised with my son in the stroller, meditated before he woke up, and took a bath with healing salts after he went to bed (not all on the same day).
These activities allowed me to connect to my center, my balanced state. Self-care is key. I learned that connecting to my center gave me the quiet space that I needed to stop the guilty chatter and connect to the truth of who I am.
This in turn enabled me to find tools and devise strategies that helped me to get past the guilt.
6) If Possible, Remove Yourself From the Environment That Makes You Feel Guilty
Two weeks later, my husband and I returned to the same restaurant, one we had been going to since before my son was born. The waitress, who knew us, said “oh, I felt so bad for you. People think you’re a bad mom, and you’re not.”
When we tried to order a half order of our favorite dish for our son like we always had, we were told they wouldn’t make it for us anymore. When we asked to speak to the owner, we were told he was too busy.
By this time, I had arrived at the following conclusion: I am a competent parent. Hell, I’m a damned good one. I had learned that it doesn’t matter what others think. So we left and found another restaurant.
Sometimes it is not as clear cut as a fall. Sometimes the trigger for our guilt trips and feelings of inadequacy is much more subtle. A comment from a family member or a look that your child gives you is enough to start a downward spiral.
Make an effort to identify the trigger anyway. And reach out to people that know you as a parent, that know your heart. A close friend who has been supportive in the past can do much to remind you of the wonderful parent that you are and pull you out of the funk.
And be sure to do whatever activity you can participate in that will help you to relax, slow down, clear your thoughts, and connect to the truth of who you are as a parent and a person. In fact, do that as soon as possible.
At the end of the day, we’re all human. We make mistakes. We worry that we’re not good enough. If we can’t see these experiences as an opportunity for growth, how can we effectively guide our kids to do the same when they make mistakes?
The 2-Minute Action Plan for Fine Parents
For today’s contemplation exercise, pick any incident from the recent past that made you feel guilty and ask yourself these questions:
- What is the underlying fear that is triggering the guilt?
- Who can you reach out to – either among your family and friends, or on social media – to discuss this with?
- What is the recurring thought pattern that is causing the guilt to worsen?
- What are some of the instances that you don’t give yourself enough credit for that can disprove these thoughts?
- How is your ego impacting this?
- How can you find your way back to a balanced state?
- What can you do to make sure this incident does not haunt you in the future?
The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents
- Is there a recurring thing that you feel guilty about? Over the next few days, conduct a “thought record” by recognizing the pattern in your thoughts that is contributing to your guilty emotions. Once you have established a pattern/theme (I’m incompetent, my children deserve better), then you can begin to apply logic in order to change the thought pattern (I consistently take care of my child’s needs, and they are happy and healthy).
- Determine your ego type and use it to identify your emotional patterns. For me, the trigger for guilt was the fact that my imperfection was on such public display. This is because of the nine ego types in the Enneagram, I am type three, the Achiever, and perfectionism is the hallmark of Achievers. Discover your ego type here: https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-descriptions/ Armed with this knowledge you can understand the impact it has on making your guilty thoughts spiral out of control.
- Identify the environments that are triggering your guilt. For me, it was easy to remove myself from the environment. I just stopped going there. For most people, it isn’t so simple. When the environment is a place that you have to go to, such as work, or a person that you cannot remove from your life, such as a family member, removing yourself can be more challenging. In these instances, ask yourself if there are safe respites that you can find. In the case of a person, can you limit the amount of time that you are exposed to them?
Nice piece. We are so vulnerable as parents–especially in the beginning when we’re at our least experienced–that it’s easy to take outside judgement too much to heart. Eventually you realize you will always be wrong to someone no matter what you do, and you start to take it less seriously. (Particularly from people who don’t have children but think they understand how to raise them. I choose now to find that amusing rather than frustrating.)
The only point I would add is that there is still room to feel “bad” even if you let go of “guilt.” I, too, had a toddler fall on her head from a height and had to take her to the emergency room, etc., and I was able to let go of the guilt after a bit (because these things happen and there was not much I could have done differently), but I still felt objectively bad about my child getting hurt. Sometimes different kinds of unpleasant feelings blur together, but some are still legitimate to have.
I love the “I choose now to find that amusing rather than frustrating” comment, Korinthia. It took me a loooong time to realize that it is indeed a choice and boy that simple realization can totally shift your worldview! 🙂
About the feeling bad part, I think you nailed it again. Brene Brown has a fantastic discussion of Shame Vs Guilt in this TED talk – https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame. Have you watched it? If not, check it out… I think it will resonate with you a lot. It essentially says the same… the feeling bad about ourselves (what she calls “shame”) as a consequence of something is the core of anxiety, depression, etc. whereas feeling bad about the behavior, or in this case the situation (what she calls “guilt”) is the antidote to all that and the path to repair. I think that was the major shift for me… whether it is about ourselves or the way we see our kids, actions and behavior are just that are and do not constitute the entirety of a person, who they are or who they can be! It’s hard to separate the two, but makes such a difference that we at least try (again, both in ourselves, our kids and everyone else around us!)
Thank you Korinthia! Looking at this from a learning perspective, I absolutely think a major takeaway is not to judge our success as a parent by other peoples’ standards or opinions, especially those who do not know us.
I completely agree that we can still feel bad about a parenting situation while releasing our guilt. I’ve seen the Brene Brown TED talk also, and I would say that releasing my shame underscored my journey. I could then feel bad that my son was hurt, but I no longer believed that I was a fundamentally bad parent.
I loved this article. I found it so relatable as a young mom. The feeling of guilt/shame has been ever present, but it helps to have other mothers to discuss it with and techniques in which to move forward.
I know Jessica, and I know how great of a mother she is! 🙂
It’s support like this that makes this journey a real joy! Thanks Trish 🙂
Love you, Trish!!!
I been feeling like a bad/inadequate mum recently, for a different reason to the ones talked about here so far, and I’m hoping I can get something out of posting here that might help me put this whole thing into perspective and might help me help my daughter too.
My 6 year old daughter just started her new school year and found out that this year they have mixed last year’s classes, and so she has been separated from all of her friends, absolutely ALL of them are in another class. I tried talking to the teacher but they absolutely refused to change her, they say this is beneficial for her and that she will be OK. They do get all the kids together very often to share in activities, they meet in the playground during lunch and so on, but my daughter has lost the wonderful enthusiasm she had for school.
The thing is, I keep feeling I should be doing more, I should get in there and demand she be changed to the other class, with her friends, because even if my daughter is not showing signs of complete devastation, I know that she’d be happier there. I can’t stop this guilt, even though I sort of agree that this might be good for her in terms of not being so distracted in class talking to her friends.
It breaks my heart to think of her sitting by herself at school looking at her friends from a distance, and this is all made worse by the fact that she is an only child and school is her main point of contact with kids her own age.
I should also add that we are immigrants and have absolutely no relatives here, she doesn’t have siblings or cousins, she only has her school mates.
So my guilt is killing me.
Help
Hi Emy!
In the book The Conscious Parent, Dr. Tsabary addresses this very issue. She says that each of these situations is an opportunity for our children to learn and grow. As parents, our instinct (quite rightly so) is to go in and spare our children from pain, but in a situation like this, intervening may take away our child’s opportunity to gain resilience. In the long run, this actually hurts our children because they don’t learn to cope when life throws curveballs, which as we all know, it inevitably will. Think of it this way: Your daughter will make new friends, and as a result, she will learn that she has the ability to do so when she’s in a new environment. This will serve her well if you ever need to move, she needs to change schools, and most certainly when she goes to university.
Another point that Tsabary raises is that our children feel our guilt, and that adds to their pain because instead of just processing their own pain, they now have to shoulder the pain of their parents. That is one reason it is so crucial to deal with our guilt.
One method that is excellent for clearing guilt (or any negative emotion) that I use with my clients and students is to get into a quiet space, take some deep breaths, and then state your fear outloud. In this case “I’m afraid that my daughter will be lonely and won’t make any friends” or whatever resonates with you. As you say this, FEEL where in your body you are carrying this emotion. Once you’ve located it, with each inhale, visualize flooding that area with white light. As you do, visualize the negative emotion leaving your body with each exhale. Some people like to visualize a color (like grey, black), while others visualize smoke. Whatever works for you is just fine. By releasing the guilty emotion, you’ll not only feel better, but you will clear the way to see what this situation is here to teach your daughter. If you like, you can then visualize your daughter playing with a new group of friends, having a great time. Try to FEEl how that makes you feel. This is manifesting work.
Finally, you may be able to gain insight as to why this particular situation is triggering your guilt. Is there something from your own past? Tsabary says that our children trigger emotions in us so that we may heal from our own pain, so that would be worth exploring. I hope this helps! Feel free to email me at jess@realworldreiki.com
PS: Where are you from? I’m a British citizen, and my entire father’s side of my family is in England.
Hi Jessica,
From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
I can see why ‘Identifying the trigger’ is number one in your list.
I do need to work on healing my own pain and will try your method. The last thing I want to do is transfer negative emotions to my daughter and make her feel “responsible” for my own happiness. Thank you for helping me see that.
I know my daughter will be fine, and I do want her to learn from this, and every other difficult or challenging situation, and become a confident adult. I need to create and repeat a mantra that helps me chase away the guilt whenever I need to let her deal with stuff on her own, maybe something like “confident adult – good mum”, or something like that.
Thank you very much again, I look forward to reading more of your great articles!
Emy.
PS: We are from Venezuela, and moved to Sydney 9 years ago.
Greetings from Down Under 🙂
Hi Emy,
You’re welcome! I’m so glad I could help! You can also try the exercise with your daughter if she’s interested. Children are much more adept at identifying and releasing their pain than we are because they haven’t been conditioned to bury it yet. Just having a game plan is half of the battle, so you’re off to a great start!
Ah, Australia! It’s on my bucket list!
Cheers,
-Jessica