“Mommy, why won’t Ed and Danny let me play with them?”
My son had tears in his eyes, the pain of rejection apparent in every little furrow on his brow, in every quiver of his bottom lip.
I narrowed my eyes, whipped out my ‘Cape-of-Protection’, assumed my superhero stance and was ready to step in. My heart was breaking for him – we all know the hurt of social exclusion. That sinking sensation of being left out. I desperately wanted to shield him from it.
Then I stopped.
And I reminded myself that I won’t be at his side every time he experiences rejection and social exclusion. My role as parent is to help prepare him for when it happens, not solve his problem for him.
I packed my Cape away, and put on my Thinking Cap.
Here’s what I came up with as an action plan…
Practice Makes Perfect
Many children find it challenging to assert themselves. As parents we can use role play in the safe environment of home to give our kids space to try out different responses when faced with a ‘You can’t play!’ situation.
Kids can occasionally feel like they need to protect their own patch and may offer default rejections of another child without really thinking.
Offense is their defense.
If we can give our children the tools to challenge this in a positive way it can help to break down those barriers and provide a way into the group.
Responding respectfully, with indisputable facts, is a very powerful tool, and role-playing is a great way to learn this technique of effective conflict resolution. Kidpower has a fantastic list of suggestions for words to use to counter various rejections – here are just two examples:
Reason: “You’re not good enough.”
Response: “I’ll get better if I practice.”Reason: “You cheat.”
Response: “I didn’t mean to. Let’s make sure we agree on the rules ahead of time.”
It takes either a deliberately mean, or very confident child to still reject a peer in the face of such responses. Practicing them with your child can help them to feel empowered and more confident in their delivery.
And if they still experience rejection, then coaching that walking away with their head held high may be required. But crucially, they can do so in the knowledge that they have been true to themselves, and behaved in a positive and open way – the issue is no longer theirs to hold. Their self-esteem will blossom, despite the end result.
But they may need a little help there too…
Boosting Self-Esteem
Being socially excluded knocks your confidence, whatever age you are. But children who have a healthy self-esteem are better prepared to process the hurt and move on. Building their inner strength is one of the best ways to help your child be ready for all those situations in life.
Dr Laura Markham at Aha! Parenting has some brilliant ideas on how we can help our children to become empowered, simply by choosing the words we use around them more carefully.
Simple tips like avoiding negative labels and providing positive feedback to specific actions and situations rather than generic comments like ‘You’re really smart!’ combine to generate a sense of value within our children.
By sending positive messages via our daily interactions we not only strengthen our own bond with them, but also help them to build a strong inner core of self-worth and confidence. With this in place, when faced with the inevitable challenges that life throws in their path, our children can draw on their inner power pack.
Encourage Self-Reflection
This is not about encouraging our kids to shoulder the blame for their social exclusion. Instead it’s suggesting we teach them how to analyse objectively the ways in which they may be perceived when they relate to others.
This is a great life skill for our children to develop, as it promotes personal accountability and empathy.
Here are some ways we can encourage our kids to reflect on their own contribution to social situations and help them to work out if they are behaving in a way that may be affecting their likability. Different elements here may have more or less relevance depending on the age of the child concerned:
- Physical appearance – chat about how body language can convey silent messages, and how personal hygiene, and a neat or scruffy appearance can contribute to their overall image. Take deliberate steps to boost their overall body image.
- Words – what you say, and how you say it can have a significant impact on how you come across. Children often don’t realize this until it is pointed out to them.
- Traits that repel others – talk with your child about what puts them off other kids – for example: bragging, misplaced humor, ignoring stop signals, not being a good sport.
Work with your child to help them see if they can identify any of these factors within themselves. If they are finding the concept hard, it can help to ask if there are any kids they prefer not to play with sometimes, and why, before turning the spotlight around. Then, help them identify ways in which they could do things differently.
That said, not all influencing factors are ones your child can or want to do something about. Two other key factors are:
- Difference – the ways in which your child may differ from their peers. Examples can include wearing glasses, academic ability, introvert vs extrovert personalities
- Home life – we are a product of our environment, and some children struggle to relate to others who come from different backgrounds. It can be as simple as the difference between coming from a large or small family, or as complex as social, economic, or ethnic diversity
Dealing with these factors requires a different approach. If your child wears glasses, for example, or has a different home life from their peers, then helping them foster an appreciation of their difference and learning to accept and value it will be required.
Acceptance and self-love create an inner peace and strength that is hard to beat.
Building Resilience
All the assertiveness, self-esteem and self-reflection in the world could still not alter the fact that your child may experience social exclusion from time-to-time. And it will hurt, so we need to help them build resilience into their inner power pack too, with these useful pointers:
- Look Logically – is there a simple, valid reason why they can’t join in? Are they too young/old/big/small? Are they wearing the right gear for that type of play? Teach them to take a step back and assess a situation objectively – if they are too young for this, talk them through it so they can learn as they grow.
- Practice Problem Solving – maybe the reason they can’t play is easy to resolve. Changing into sneakers, fetching a colored bib from the changing room, asking someone to explain the rules, requesting a trial period, etc. Teach them to look for solutions.
- Cast a Wide Net – encourage your kids to forge connections with more than just a few friends. This network can help to soften the blow when social exclusion strikes.
- Accept and Move On – this one it tough, as it involves helping your child to process the hurt and accept and honor the other child’s decision. They will find this easier if they have a strong core of self-acceptance in place (ie, ‘there is nothing wrong with me’ and ‘I value myself’). Encourage your child to identify those occasions when they are included, as they happen. Over time this builds a strong core of self-worth that can be drawn on later.
- Demonstrate Dignity – retaliation may feel good, but it ultimately leaves a bad taste in the mouth. Coach your kids in the art of dignified silence, and suggest No-Bad-Mouthing.
- Facilitate Friendships – encourage your kids to invite friends over and make time to take them to social activities when you can so they can practice their social skills.
For additional guidance on building general resilience, checkout this great book from pediatrician Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg – A Parent’s Guide to Building Resilience in Children and Teens: Giving your Child Roots and Wings. A summary of his inspirational ‘7 C’s of Resilience’ concept can be found here.
Handling the Emotional Fallout
When our children are left out, their emotions can take a battering. It’s important we don’t neglect the unseen hurt they may be carrying inside and make sure they have the tools to deal with it. This is not something we should leave to chance and is actually a job we can be doing every single day via Emotional Encouragement.
Kelly Bartlett, in her wonderful book Encouraging Words for Kids says:
When kids grow up accepting their emotions, they are better able to process them and respond to adverse situations.
She adds that emotional encouragement from parents shows children that their feelings are healthy, normal, and able to be managed. It means showing your child you accept them and their emotions unconditionally, imparting strength and resilience to your child and a confidence in their emotions.
Bartlett offers a perfect example of this in action in respect to a girl who had been excluded from a game at the playground.
Instead of offering a fix, the mother simply said:
“You’re angry about being told there wasn’t any room in the game for you. Your feelings are hurt.”
This effectively gave the girl permission to be upset, and after a good, long cry (validated by the mother’s encouraging words, ‘It’s okay to cry’) – the girl worked through her feelings and was then able to engage in dialogue with her mother about the importance of inclusion – in her own time, and from a position of strength and independence.
Social Exclusion vs Bullying – A Final Note
These are two very different things, and it’s important you child learns to tell the difference. Bullying is about power, and dominance. It involves repeated and deliberate intent to cause physical and/or emotional pain.
Social exclusion CAN be a form of bullying, but often it’s simply a matter of preference and choice on the part of the other child.
This website has a really useful overview of what constitutes bullying actions. It includes a heading called Social or Relational Bullying, under which ‘Leaving someone out on purpose’ and ‘Telling other children not to be friends with someone’ are included as examples.
And rightly so.
When my daughter asked to join a ball game in the playground last week and was told by another girl she couldn’t, the reason was simply that each team already had its full complement of players. My girl was ‘deliberately excluded’, and felt sad and hurt as a result.
But this was not bullying.
When it happened again the next day, however, and within minutes a different girl was invited to swap-in for another participant, that line became blurred.
On day three this was repeated, and my daughter was pretty sure she was being left out on purpose. We had now stepped into the realm of bullying. The perpetrator was swiftly identified by my daughter and her friends. They boycotted the game en masse and, thankfully on this occasion, the issue was resolved.
It’s vital we engage in dialogue with our children about what constitutes bullying so they can recognize it when it does occur, but also give them the tools to deal with the hurt when they are simply being left out for one reason or another.
Here are some useful action plans to help us with that, and all the points raised above:
The 2-Minute Action Plan for Fine Parents
Everyday interactions with our children offer ample opportunities for helping prepare them for dealing with social exclusion:
- Keep a watchful eye on your child in social interactions so you can identify areas where they may need guidance
- Practice using active emotional encouragement as a way of showing your child that while hurt can be painful, it can also be managed and worked through
- Take every chance you get to point out the difference between bullying and social exclusion, explaining the appropriate positive course of action in either case
The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents
Social exclusion can occur at any time and in many different ways. We can help our kids by providing low-level, ongoing encouragement that gives them the tools, and helps prepare their foundations of inner strength so they can cope whenever it strikes.
- Encourage the development of problem-solving skills in all areas of your child’s life. The skill of solution-building is a strength they can call on in many scenarios
- In calm moments, model self-reflection, and help your child to see how taking responsibility for their own actions can change their perception of any given situation and the outcome of their interactions
- Share your own disappointments with your child and how positive self-talk helps you to overcome the hurt inside
My 6 yr. old is in first grade, academically ahead, has a good soul that the teacher praises her in front of the class. This article helped me a lot but wondering if I should talk to the teacher about this. The girls exclude her possibly because of jealousy?
I /we are going through similar with my 6 year old granddaughter’s class it seems the more she achieves the more she gets excluded from sitting with certain classmates, at this stage I would not tell the teacher to stop praising her, because success (as well as failure) needs acknowledging, but, I do think I will tell the teacher she should be reminding the class that the school has a NO EXCLUSION policy, so without mentioning any names She should say she is fully aware some of her class are doing exactly that!! Nanny Linda
I’m reading this bc my sixth grade son is being excluded from his foursome of friends, possibly because of jealousy, as well. I will never tell my child to not be good at something to make other kids feel good about themselves. He was called a “faggot” by one of these supposed good friends, and also told about a birthday party of his he wasn’t invited to, which he has always gone to. My son asked me in tears, “What did I do?” Often times, it’s not the kid who’s being left out who has the problem. I am encouraging him to make new friends, but not burn bridges. A lot of “social engineering” goes on by social-climber parents, too. Bitter much? LOL!
Ooh… this one hit me rn. I had to explain to my daughter that she’s being excluded by the adults in our cul de sac by the kids’ parents because they don’t like her parents. She looked at me like I was driving a nail through her chest, tears up, then dried it up, “So basically, I’m being bullied by an ADULT?!”. Yeah, she’s 7 and she totally gets it. What a sad way for a “grownup” to behave. I figured this was a great time to remind her that what other people think of is is often none of our business, and that though we will continue to treat others with kindness no matter what, continued respect is earned, not given freely.
My ten year old girl is being left out by the kids in my residential complex deliberately as the dominant girl in the group has been reprimanded by me once for her warning the other girls to not play with my daughter. It’s been three years since this is going on and inspite of us trying to talk with her parents and requesting her not to do so, she continues to do the same with every newcomer, that is warn them not to play with my girl. My girl happily makes friends with the newcomers only to have them ridicule her after some days from the other girl’s group.
I am at my wit’s end and now bitter that inspite of my friendships with the parents which have quite old, they have chosen to ignore my girls plight.
I am pretty sure my kids are being excluded from sporting teams due to other parents disliking me. We have been here two years and I am socially awkward and know I have said things that I regret and am paranoid that I came across as arrogant when I am the exact opposite. In any case I can’t bear my kids being left out because of me.
My daughter is 12 yrs old and first year doing cheer. Some days she’s super excited and having a great time with her cheer mates and some days I’ve observed them deliberately leave her out. Sometimes she’s left in tears because they do it in the most unopportune time. As a squad I find it very harsh for this wishywashy way of being and feel that an effort to include them and all of them is so important. We have spent a lot of time effort and money into making this experience happen and it just seems like it may not be as willing to embrace inclusion as much as I would expect. I’m having a hard time just accepting it since she continues to want to do this yet I am mostly just shocked in how things became that way. I already have my daughter analyze the situation, maybe even ask them why but doesn’t seem to be all that helpful even if they see her in tears that they left her out. So frustrated!
My 8 year old is being left out of games and the little girls in the class have secrets which she is not allowed to know. She feels very hurt. When she is asks to join in a game they make her do things like be the “bad” guy in the game or make them chase after her and call her slow. I am a heart broken mom and I just want to protect my baby girl. I don’t know what to do?
This is the product of bad parenting on the part of those excluding. I’ve watched it so many times. Usually the child being excluded is great at something the excluders are not, such as sports or schoolwork etc or they are more physically attractive, all of this makes an insecure, aggressive child feel bad and they lash out. Best thing you can do is remind your child that friends like that are fleeting, they aren’t worth your time and they are lucky they see those types for what they are before they had the misfortune of being friends with them. Remind them family matters most. Take time to do more fun things with them and invite one of rhe decent children to join in. Friendships will organically form with the right kids and the kids who bully and exclude always end up screwed up and miserable anyway, they are usually a sad product of social climbing parents who are desperate to be accepted and engineer play dates galore, but in the end the kids of parents like that almost always develop guilt and health problems, because in the end we all know what the right thing to do is and when kids deviate from that they know it and they pay the price eventually.
Stay the course and stay positive, enjoy life, and remember friends are fleeting you’re lucky if you meet one true person in your lifetime who will actually stand by you should you need them to, most will not, so don’t waste your time thinking about them. I have tons of “acquaintances” and few friends and that’s a good thing!
Enjoy the day, choose who you spend time with, invite kids who are decent to come over and have a good time!
My seven year old daughter is being excluded by the popular girl (who in kindergarten had been her best friend) and now all the rest of the girls in her second grade are also excluding her. I was heartbroken when she told me she often plays by herself at lunch. I spoke to the girl’s mom but she’s in denial that her child could be excluding my kid. She suggested I talk to the teacher if my kid was having social issues. My daughter is kind, sweet, smart, and so beautiful. Thank you smart parent your reply confirmed so much…great sound advice. My daughter today surprised me on how resilient she can be. I saw a picture on the school’s instagram page today and was in tears seeing my daughter was the only girl not in the picture while all the other girls took a picture with the popular girl who was celebrating her birthday and it happened to be a day they call Unity day in school. I asked my daughter was she playing alone again at recess while everyone else was taking a pic. She said yes. She then said mom please don’t cry I had a great time at recess..I enjoyed jump roping and really had a blast. I didn’t even know anyone was taking a picture as I was busy playing. I realized that my daughter will be just fine and that’s she resilient. I hope that all of you great parents keep helping your kids be resilient.
Hi, Joanne.
I’m reading your comment today and it’s exactly what my husband told me. Your response was written on my son’s birthday this year! He is being excluded and your post has really encouraged me. I’m so glad I found this post! To add more to this post my son is on the spectrum for Autism. It’s a new school due to his old school closing. The friends that did come along with him to this new school are the ones promoting the excluding. You are right very man acquaintances and very few true friends.
My 14 year old daughter was not invited to a friend’s birthday party. Most of the girls from the group of friends were invited to the party. When my daughter saw pictures from the party on instagram, she became very upset and showed the pictures to me. She went on to say I was pretty sure I was being left out, now I know I am being left out. I felt terrible for her. I’m surprised by the exclusion, the birthday girl’s mom and I have been friends. The family has always struck me as compassionate and inclusive. This is such bad timing, my daughters self confidence is not great and she has been friends with some of these girls since elementary school. Not a great way to head into high school. I’m struggling over the situation, I have not shared how upset I am over the exclusion with my daughter. I did talk with a mutual friend about it. She seems to think it was not intentional but I think it might have been. Since tickets were purchased ahead of time for a boat ride. At any rate I told the mutual friend she could share with the birthday girl’s mom that my daughter was very hurt by the exclusion.
Wow this same exact thing happened to my girl a few years ago, a so called friend doing the play by play of her bday party on Instagram. it was heartbreaking. My daughter is in 10th grade and the exclusion has gotten worst.
My 5 years old have been left out twice buy her best friends parents. The 3 kids play well and they love my daughter alot I can see it. But I think it the parents that are excluding her from the sleep overs. She feels really bad when ever this happen. I talked to the first parents that did it with out thinking two because her daughter is my daughter’s best friend but the other one is just a playmate since they were 9months. Should I talk to her about this?
My son is in his last year of high school (17) and due to a mild intellectual disability and lack of understanding social cues, he is often rejected. My son has a lot of pride and often does not talk about what’s happening with him, so it took a look of investigation work on my end to find out when all this started, which was the beginning of grade 8. After grade 10, he wanted to switch school and get a fresh start for grade 11, so I agreed. This didn’t help anything and both girls and boys would call my son “nerd” or “geek” when he would walk up to kids he doesn’t know too well, asking them to hang out. He has now developed mental health issues of anxiety and depression because of the constant rejection. He has never once been invited out to a party nor has he had any teen over since high school started. All of the kids he grew up with (from age 4.5-12) in our old complex was from another city, prior to high school, but they have all moved on and are not interested in reconnecting. These are the kids he knew well as they all grew up together. So, now that we’ve moved to this new city, he hasn’t had one friend for 5 years. They just reject him. I’ve tried to get him to see a counsellor, but it’s hard for him to open up and identify his feelings and furthermore express it. He’s feels a lot of shame being rejected and when you talk about silent bullying or exclusion, he will snap at you and say “that’s not me!” He doesn’t want to feel like something is wrong with him with his mild intellectual disability. He told me that he doesn’t know how much more of this he can take. He also doesn’t want to join any kind of socials skills workshop to help him or any social groups. It’s literally soul torture to watch someone you love be rejected like this. I really don’t know how to help him anymore because what I’m suggesting, such as a social group, he won’t do. I’m considering taking him out of school because of it.
I’m so sorry your son is going through this. My daughter is in 10th and going through the same. It’s rough she used to have friends and high school they just dwindled down to nothing now. My daughter is lonely, has anxiety depression and some ocd. She is excluded also and school is rough. it’s a struggle to get her to school and now rethinking another plan to start 11th grade. It’s been almost two years that she has had any kind of friend come to the house. We started therapy and meds, but I’m really not sure about these meds yet. I feel like if she had her friends and social life back I wouldn’t have to do this. I don’t know what to do either it’s one of these things which is going to be difficult to try to fix.
I’m approaching 82 years old and beginning to reflect a little on my life. I am quite successful and have had a wonderful life with a loving wife and exceptional children and hope it will continue for awhile. But I wonder how some experiences I had when I was younger affected what I am today. Specifically in the 3rd grade I was skinny and not athletic. During recess members of ball teams would be chosen by classmates. I was always the last to be chosen because I wasn’t very athletic. So I was chosen by default. In addition I was frequently bullied and beaten up walking home from school, with my cap being thrown in the bushes and frequently lost. I complained to my parents but I only recall their saying to fight back physically when I was attacked. Today, I avoid personal or social contact until I really get to know the person. I worry a lot about what people think of me. I’m careful not to offend lest I may lose a friend. If a friend offends me and/or insults me today I will drop them for good. I just wonder how my 4th grade experience affected me for my entire life.
I was depressed for years, when my oldest was in elementary and middle school. I took care of them, and fed them, my husband was a workaholic, and we stayed home, and barely went anywhere. Yet, we did have peace when home, and gave time to heal mentally. My kids were never interested in sports, now, my oldest is 16, he’s somewhat overweight and loves his computer, and being inside, we became hermits. Now I want him to get out and exercise, be more social. I have healed, I have so much guilt because of my struggles back when he was younger, I feel I have failed him. His self esteem is low, because he doesn’t get out much, and when we are with family, his cousins, who are fit, athletic and social, exclude him, and pretty much have their own little cliques. I feel so bad. I don’t know where to start. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
My high school junior is being left out as well. I also find it stems from parental involvement that has been in place since kindergarten. You see both boys are tremendous athletes and the other parents cannot stand if my son gets any recognition. Funny thing is we love their son and the boys could be and were really great friends until this jealousy has exploded. It doesn’t help that the mom has been diagnosed with cancer several years ago and in the last few months been given the bad news that it is terminal. This has really unleashed a monster as I feel she is just so determined to get rid of my son before her time runs out. She is a narcissist so there is no reasoning with her. (I’ve witnessed it with her at lesser levels against others thru the years…always the bully and victim.) It just breaks my heart because my son used to be happy and social and tonight he was in tears as he just doesn’t know how to handle this.
Thank You for this article. My kindergartner was so sad today, she pushed her ice cream away, and didn’t want to do any of the things she begs to do. After some coaxing I found out that she is being excluded. This classmate does not allow her to play with her or anyone else she is playing with, and if my daughter goes to a specific spot in the classroom that girl tells her to go because that is her spot and my daughter is not her friend. That girl also gives other girls secrets that my daughter is not allowed to hear.
It broke my heart seeing her stop eating.
I will work on her self esteem and coach her to say things like, I am allowed any where in the classroom (facts).
this was such a help. we have just moved to a new country and my 7 year old boy is alone during recess. he says he feels invisible. he is putting up a brave front. this article was such a help.
My granddaughter is being excluded from her group of friends. The social worker at school decided she should ignore them and try to make other friends. When she tried to talk to them they reminded her they r not her friends anymore. She pushed the one girl and she fell and hit her head. All of a sudden she is the bad person because in anger she retaliated. She was treated very badly by them and now they r telling her they r having play dates and sleepovers and she isn’t invited. She cry’s and says she doesn’t have friends. The school thinks is she has some mild adhd problems but she hates school now and says she hates herself and she’s bad. It’s very heartbreaking and wr can’t seem to say anything g to comfort her. I’m sure the parents r friends and they have something to do with this because she lives on the same block and had play dates with them. Her parents r divorced and her Mom has poor social skills so she isn’t much help to her. She is seeing a therapist because she is acting out in anger and has poor self esteem. She is very artistic and a beautiful little girl but I think she hates herself. What can I say or do to help her. A concerned grandmother.