“I work all day to put a roof over your head, and you can’t even wash a few dishes?”

“I really thought you were more mature than that.”

“When you do that, you make me sad and disappointed. Do you really want to hurt my feelings?”

“Come ON. Don’t you know better than that?”

Do any of these sound familiar? How often do you intentionally (or unintentionally) say something like this to your kids?

A few weeks ago I told my daughter to get ready for soccer. While she is only seven, she is typically very responsive to directions and by far the most laid-back of my children. This particular day, however, she must have been bitten by the distraction bug as I found myself repeating the direction numerous times…with her still not dressed for soccer. I finally said, “Come on…I’m really disappointed that you are ignoring me and I expected more from you.”

She quickly disappeared in her room and emerged a few minutes later with her soccer uniform on… and tears in her eyes. Complete and total mom fail!

In reflecting on that moment, I realized that while my statement had the intention of jump-starting my daughter into following the direction and gaining quick compliance, it may have come with a cost. And while my intention was most certainly not to cause harm, I began to question if there could be long-term effects of using guilt-tripping as a normal method of obtaining compliance from children.

The more I thought about it, the more I wondered if this could potentially be one of the most used and unintentionally harmful methods of convincing our children to do something. [Read more…]

How do you handle frustration?

Do you vent to your spouse or a friend? Throw a mini-tantrum (albeit the “grown up” version)? Shut yourself into a bedroom and binge-watch Netflix with a pint of Ben & Jerrys? Punch a pillow? Go for a run? Pour a stiff drink? Meditate or pull out the yoga mat? Shrug it off and just move on?

Even as adults, we all find ourselves in situations that elicit behaviors we believe may help us cope with emotions…some perhaps healthier than others. While our mature minds may be better equipped for handling big emotions, we all still have our slip-ups; those moments we might look back on and realize that our behavior in response to the situation was less than stellar.

So why do we expect so much more from our children; whose neurological connections are still under construction and not yet fully able to process the big emotions that come along with life?

Even when misbehaviors are annoying, inconvenient, and frustrating, they still serve a purpose in development. If handled with empathy, consistency, limit-setting, and love, children can learn what behaviors work for them and what do not–both in getting what they want as well as getting the emotional stability that children crave.

So what’s the secret behind HOW to do this successfully? Well, if you figure out a method that works for every child in the world, please let me know! As with everything else in raising children, there is never a “one-size-fits-all” method.

Many factors can influence behavior, with age and brain development being at the top of the list.

We can take clues from understanding the brain development of a child and what is “age-appropriate” normal behavior to understand how we can effectively guide our kids. [Read more…]

As a behavior specialist, I am keenly aware of how difficult it is to practice at home what I preach at work.

At work it’s all about positive behavior interventions, proactive coaching, growth mindset, and staying calm in the face of crisis. I get home and some days, I am a model parent. And on others, it all flies out the window. 

I know I’m not alone in this. We all have strengths and weaknesses, and embracing a positive parenting philosophy is often easier said than done. 

But isn’t this where self-reflection and grace come in? 

Our ability to self-reflect on the areas of positive parenting that could benefit from improvement is the first step towards growth. 

The team from AFineParent.com invites all of our amazing readers to start assessing your positive parenting skills by taking our FREE Parenting Skills Quiz. [Read more…]

We have been living in this bizarre version of life for 10 months.

Ten months! Can you believe it? Ahh, that fateful day back in March…Who would have ever thought that life could change so drastically?

As a two-teacher household with three school-aged children, I remember how excited my kids (and if we’re being honest, my husband and I) were at the thought of a bonus two-week hiatus. Living in Maryland, we don’t get much of a spring break and had no snow days last year. I remember packing just a few things from my office (you know, just in case I wanted to get a little work done) and walking out the door with the assumption I’d be back in a couple weeks.

Oh, how naive we were! As we watched COVID blow up and everything shut down, reality sunk in that this was not going away any time soon, and as the infamous year of 2020 exited with the drop of the ball in a deserted NYC, we found ourselves in the same holding pattern as the previous ten months.

If your experience was anything like mine since March, it may have included a huge mix of emotions. Many of which were not pleasant. [Read more…]

Will you do something for me? Humor me here.

I want you to think about a recent situation you found yourself in that made you feel anxious.

Maybe it was a big meeting or presentation at work. Maybe it was a job interview or a public speaking gig. Maybe it was walking into a doctor’s office or the dentist. Maybe it was because you had a fender bender or forgot to pay a bill. Maybe it was as you were dialing a number to have a conversation with someone that you knew wasn’t going to go well.

Now think about how it made you feel.

Sweaty palms. Racing heart. Shaking hands. The feeling you have to use the bathroom. The feeling you can’t quite catch your breath. Restless legs. Clenched fists. Shutting down. Dizziness. Upset stomach. Tense muscles.

Now think about how that must feel to our children; with their young minds and not yet fully developed coping skills.

Anxiety.

It’s a normal part of our human existence. Everyone feels anxiety at times, as we inevitably will have experiences that present as “high stakes.” Think about professional athletes and how they feel when walking onto the court, the track, the field. Although they may not outwardly show it, even the most seasoned athlete experiences nerves.

[Read more…]