We saw several articles this month outlining a variety of ways to build character in our kids. But, what if none of our efforts seem to make any difference?
What if our kids continue being mean, in spite of our attempt to teach them compassion?
What if our kids continue to be bossy, in spite of our attempt to teach them politeness?
What if all our attempts to teach them to be responsible come up short?
As parents invested in raising kids with good character, this can be very frustrating.
But the reasons for these setbacks may actually just be us unintentionally sabotaging our character education attempts with some common mistakes.
Check below to see if any of these mistakes are holding you down:
Mistake #1: Believing how kids act on the outside mirrors who they are on the inside
A child with good character is not a child that is perfect all the time.
Successfully building character in your children will come with a lot of mistakes. Kids are learning everyday – and character building is a part of that learning process. Children’s brains are not wired to understand impulse control and selflessness from the beginning. These are actually learned traits that parents are responsible for instilling in their children.
It takes time. And it’s not easy work. But the older my children get the more thankful I am that my husband and I have put in the work.
Parenting and disciplining isn’t about “fixing” your kids. Done right, it’s about shepherding them and growing yourself each day so that your goodness can fill their hearts.
Discipline in its truest definition doesn’t have a negative connotation. Parenting and discipline should involve (1) providing the best shaping influences you can and (2) the careful shepherding of your children’s responses through those influences.
– From Shepherding a Child’s Heart
Does that definition change your view? How are you disciplining your children? Are you providing wise council that they should listen to? Are you following that up by leading by example? We all know that modeling and careful direction are the best ways to teach kids!
Mistake #2: Not making it clear to kids what values matter in your family
As parents we know good from bad, and we assume that kids do too. When their behavior falls short, we get upset….
But, kids don’t know unless we teach them.
Since kids are developing and learning constantly, it is important to name the traits you are looking for and use positive reinforcement to guide. The traits your family seeks to highlight should be reflected in a family mission statement.
For us, honesty and sincerity are tops. We say often that if our kids know how to problem solve and work through disagreements and issues with those around them, then we have done our jobs. This takes a lot of modeling on our part and constant positive reinforcement for a job well done.
When our kids were small, we used a fruits of the spirit tree to help them understand different character traits and positively reinforce behavior. The idea comes from Galatians 5:22 in the Bible… “But the fruits of the spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against these things, there is no law.”
While the Bible is speaking of the intangible fruits of your spirit, we felt a physical representation would serve as a good reminder for our children. This technique was not punitive at all, it was more of a “caught you being good” type of system. At this point, we were honestly just trying to put words and actions together – that way, when we said, “I need you to practice self-control,” our children understood what behavior response was needed.
Each time one of my children exhibited a desired character trait, we placed a fruit on the tree. I just used butcher paper and construction paper cut-outs to create the items and the idea caught on quickly with our kids.
Now that my children are older, and we know they understand the behaviors that are expected of them, we use a “stick jar” to help reward good behavior. These are simply mason jars with each child’s initials on them. We have a system for cashing out the sticks for a variety of treats – the most frequently requested are iPad time and dates with mom or dad.
[Note from Sumitha: I am agnostic and believe in borrowing whatever works from whichever religion and trying it in our family. No matter what your religious background, I hope you find value in how Brit used the fruits of the spirit tree to help her kids name the traits she wanted them to learn.]
Mistake #3: Expecting overnight results
Focus on the learning, not the end result. Our fruits of the spirit tree was very helpful in giving our children an understanding of the qualities we were seeking, especially during the toddler stage. Even with older kids, so much of learning character traits and expected behavior is trial-and-error.
I can’t tell you how many times I have been told not to do something or how to act, but I tossed that advice aside until I figured things out for myself. I know my kids are the same way, and I have to give them some leniency for that. I think so often what parents see as willful disobedience is actually a part of the learning process.
Like baking a cake, this learning stuff is messy, but the end result is so worth the effort we put in!
Since you aren’t a perfect parent, it is important that you admit your mistakes to your kids. Your character building process is ongoing and admitting that to your children, while allowing them to walk through some of your mistakes with you, will only build their character more.
This also allows children to see the process behind admitting and creating restitution for the mistakes they make. Our family mission highly prizes owning up to one’s actions, and finding ways to mend mistakes is an imperative step in our family’s character education process.
And, oh how I fail!
I fail on a daily basis and I know my kids are watching. Just this morning I was a walking, talking example of a mother in need of the character traits of goodness, self-control and patience. If I don’t talk to my kids about my faults, they will see my behavior as acceptable and begin to emulate it. Yet, if I tell them my shortcomings, these lapses in my own positive character building actually become opportunities to learn.
Mistake #4: Forgetting about peer pressure and outside influence
Character education does not happen at home alone! The outside world has a huge influence on our kids. Instead of fighting it, use it as a way to learn.
Ask constant questions and really listen to the answers. For example, “how do you feel when your friends treat you a certain way?” or, “what do you look for in a friend?” These types of questions will help your kids understand the character traits they are drawn to and give them models within their peer group.
There are many other outside influences that will affect a child’s character:
- What are your children watching on television? What do you listen to on the radio in the car?
- How involved is their teacher? How does the teacher handle situations in the classroom?
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What cultural/religious/social gatherings do you attend? How aligned are your families values with how people behave at these gatherings?
- How is their internet usage monitored? What types of video games are they playing?
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What are their favorite fictional characters (from books, movies or video games)? What values do they embody?
While we as parents can serve as great models for behavior, kids are more apt to find models in their peers. This will work for good or bad, so a large part of character education in the younger years, in my opinion, extends well beyond the walls of my home.
Recently, while my boys and I were waiting on my daughter to finish her gymnastics class, they began playing with another little boy in the observation room. The boy was very bossy and began playing rough. I could tell that my boys weren’t into it… and I tried not to intervene too much just to see how they would handle the situation. Eventually, my three boys stuck close to each other and the other child lost interest.
When we got in the car, I recapped the situation with them. They often get bossy and rough with each other, so it was a good example to move inside our home.
These times of investing in my children go a long way – and serve as gentle reminders for them moving forward.
Character education is a process. You’re knee-deep in this process WITH your kids everyday.
I wish raising kids with strong values and good character was as simple as “stick with it,” but if it was, wouldn’t we all be perfect parents? While consistency is imperative, there is so much more to our daily lives. My best advice is to listen to your children and really hear what they are saying. I’ve learned so much from simple interactions with my kids – things I can do better, the influences their friends have on them, patterns and problems at school, etc.
To support your own growth, get some personal accountability. This could be from a friend, mentor or parent. It is important that we as parents surround ourselves with people who are striving for the same goals as us. We all rub off on each other, right?
As your children get older, especially, your investment in helping them to build strong character will allow them to carry a piece of you with them in each decision they make.
When my children walk out of the door, I want the people in my community to know that they are my kids – I am proud of the choices they make, and I’m there to support them when they need me. And, that support will be needed — often. At points they are going to make mistakes, but our family is resolved to learn from those mistakes and use them as a way to grow stronger in character together.
I began parenting believing that the way my children acted on the outside was a mirror of who they are on the inside, but I’ve learned that this thought process is completely untrue. It’s best to think of kids and their behavior as “work in progress”.
My kids will make mistakes, but those mistakes do not indicate that I fail as a parent. If I do not use those mistakes as an opportunity to help my kids grow and learn however, then I am failing.
I wake up each day fresh and tell myself that this will be the day that I show patience, this will be the day that I exude self-control… but, you know what? It’s not.
Every single day is a day for me to show my kids that I’m learning WITH them, while giving them the benefit of learning from my mistakes WITH me.
The 2-Minute Action Plan for Fine Parents
Create a positive reinforcement system. The materials for our family’s stick jars can be found in many homes, or easily purchased for less than $5 a jar. All you need is a mason jar and a stash of craft sticks. Since there are multiple children in my home, we have labeled each jar with the first letter of their name.
When I catch my kids demonstrating a positive character trait, I put a stick in the jar. We also reward helpfulness with our system, so sticks are freely given for extra chores that the kids do on their own, without being asked.
I’ve heard of people using marble jars or other kinds of little trinket jars – some people even use quarters or pennies. A sticker chart would work too. Whatever you have on hand and whatever works best for you can be used to turn good behavior into a habit. The key is talking through the trait and wholeheartedly thanking the child for their behavior. It’s amazing how far simple acknowledgement and heart-felt compliments can go!
The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents
Over the course of the next week pay attention to see if you are making any of these mistakes in your home and if you are, fix them.
For instance, do you tend to get agitated when your kids behave poorly? Do your respond from the fear that this behavior is an indication of who your child is / will grow up to be?
Do you talk to your kids about what is expected of them before getting frustrated about an act that disappoints you?
How often do you reinforce positive behavior? How often do you chastise them for a negative behavior? Don’t worry, none of us can be positive all the time, and that’s OK — just focus on increasing the ratio of positive to negative response and it will all work out.
Are you taking into account the influence of the outside world on your kids? Like it or not, the world will shape our kids – rather than lament it, let’s use it to our advantage!
Love reading this. It gives me the ways to implement those values!
It does, doesn’t it? That’s one of the main reasons I wanted to run this article…
Thanks for your kind words, Carey.
Thanks Carey! There are so many different ways to do this, and I’m looking forward to reading all the comments so I can find new ways for myself! As my kids grow, I’m learning that what works now won’t always work into the future!
This was a great article! I enjoyed most reading the phrase
Believing how kids act on the outside mirrors who they are on the inside.
Also, I am excited to try the fruits on the tree or the stick jar!! Thank you!
Veronica
Thanks for the kind words, Veronica. That phrase, and the folly it points out, was the biggest takeaway for me from this article as well!
About trying the fruits of the spirit tree and stick jar, here’s an interesting anecdote.
We recently started using a marble jar in our house (influenced by this article on Korinthia’s blog) and it’s working out great so far. It started out as a way to encourage good behavior, but the way it has evolved has been interesting…
My daughter earns marbles for behaving well in any situation that used to cause friction before — like finishing breakfast on time without dawdling, not falling into a funky, whiny mood if it’s not her favorite breakfast etc. I try not to let it become a reward/punishment system… so both the marble jars are within her reach, and when she does something that earns her a marble, she just helps herself to a marble. And marbles are never taken away if she falls back to the old behavior pattern that I’m trying to change… so, for instance if she doesn’t finish breakfast on time, I just state “Hmmm… we couldn’t earn the breakfast marble today… let’s try again tomorrow….” and leave it at that.
On the day we started the marble jars, I put up a simple chart, based on mutual agreement, of how she can cash those marbles out but it turns out that she’d rather just hang on to those marbles than spend them 🙂 So far she’s only cashed them out a couple of times to buy back lost privileges — she does this herself too by just putting the appropriate number of marbles back from her jar to the community jar.
So in effect this has evolved (unintentionally!) into a way for making restitution for poor choices — since each good choice earns her 1 marble and it takes 5 marbles to earn back a lost privilege, it is as if we are implementing an unstated rule “5 good choices are needed to make up for one poor choice”…
Well, whatever works 🙂
Veronica – thank you so much for your kind words! I still fall into the trap of wondering who is looking when my kids misbehave – it’s a hard one – especially when you have a toddler losing it in the middle of the grocery store!
I remember leaving the hardware store one time with a kicking, screaming toddler under my arm. As we were walking out, an older man walked up to me, smiled, pointed at my little guy and said, “I feel like that today too!”
It did wonders for me and made me check myself and realize we all have bad days – I just need to help my kids get a handle on the responses!
I love older people like that!!! 🙂 They wink, and smile, and say something that seems ridiculously mundane to others, but makes a world of difference to the mom struggling with her tired, cranky kids. Note to self — be that person when you are older, not the cranky one who gives disapproving looks to everyone around!
It’s nice to know other parents make the same mistakes that I do ….. But it is awesome to get suggestions regarding how to correct or even catch these mistakes!!! The article was an easy read with simple suggestion to help!!! Loved every bit of it!
Oh, yes! We all do… different mistakes on different days under different circumstances, but we all do mess up quite regularly. I like a quote I read sometime back – not sure from whom or where – but it went something along the lines of “I know I’ll make a lot of mistakes in my life, I just hope I won’t make the same ones over and over again”. That’s been the goal of my life — particularly with this parenting journey!
So glad you liked the article, Sheila. And thanks for taking the time to leave a comment.
There are lots of nice ideas in this article, thank you very much for sharing it.
But I do feel like pointing out that there is only so much you can control. I have a friend who is one of the best people and moms you could ever imagine, and one of her children lacks motivation to a degree that is shocking. She and her husband have tried everything (even considered shipping him off to military school out of desperation), and now they have just lowered their expectations to where they simply hope he graduates before he moves out. Their other children are delightful and responsible, and when a teacher tried to compliment my friend on her daughter’s work ethic by saying, “It all comes down to the parents!” my friend said, “Please don’t say that to people.” Because having watched my friend and her efforts I know she did all she could do. Her son is not a bad person in any way. He’s funny and kind, but in the end he’s the only one who can decide to do for himself.
So, yes, do what you can, do what feels right, strive to be the parents your kids deserve, but don’t be hard on yourself if you hit a limit. We can only guide people so far and the rest is up to them.
OMG, it must be so difficult for your friend. I agree with you — it may not be so starkly obvious in our cases, but all of us will at some time or the other find that what we were hoping for just ain’t happening… we just continue to do the best we can and move on. I’m learning that, that’s a big part of what makes a good parent, a good parent 🙂
Ya great stuff and important content in that article.I myself have some useful insight for this site but I am unaware how or when to post an article !Can you please advise?
Thanks Cynthia. Please take a look at this – http://afineparent.com/write
B, I loved this article. You wove helpful and supportive tips into a story that leaves me feeling that it’s all doable in baby steps. So often well-intended advice can leave a parent–who IS knee-deep in parenting feeling –incapable and like she’ll never catch up. I love the fruits of the spirit tree idea too. I also appreciate the reminder to talk to my kids when I’m modeling behavior that i don’t want them copying. I often forget to say it and just say a general ‘I’m sorry’ that doesn’t really explain to them what happened, my perspective or what I’m sorry about. Be specific. That’s what I’m taking with me. Thank you, friend. Beautifully written.
Yaay… I’m the editor here Kat and one of my main goals with the site is to publish articles that can offer practical, actionable tips to parents without making it too overwhelming or adding to parental guilt… so happy to read from your comment that the article works. Brit did an amazing job!
Character development is close to my heart as well and loving what you share about not expecting immediate results and giving feedback in terms of values (eg “I need you to practice self-control”) are gems that I resonate with in parenting.
A little thought on external rewards eg star stickers (esp if they are used as credits for other rewards in the household.). I read from “Motivated Minds” by Dr Deborah Stipek and Kathy Seals that it is more desirable to raise internal motivation (for this case character development.) External rewards are used in times when the child has NO motivation (for this case in having good character) at all. So if we can motivate them via praise solely, that will be awesome! I understand it may not always work in every household though. In that case, as Brit puts it “whatever you have on hand and whatever works.”
I stand with you Brit (and Sumitha) to try our best to raise kids that walk out the door and know “My mom supports my decisions and things I do”
Viola – I love your thoughts here… I have struggled with rewards for chores, ie things I think the kids should do because they should and things that are above and beyond. I’ve honestly never thought too much on this with character building or other behaviors… But I am now!
I’m heading to the library tomorrow for “Motivated Minds!” Great suggestion!
Dear Brit,
Thanks for the awesomely positive response!
Just a note that the context of the book is motivation on academic learning. However, given that motivation is the general driver of a person’s actions, I feel the principles learned can be generalized to other areas including character development.
I look forward to more articles from you Brit!
Thanks for sharing that, Viola. I spent some time confused by all the conflicting messages about whether to use rewards or not, it’s ill-effects on internal motivation etc. What made things click for me is the book “Power of Habits” which talks about how to create/break habits. So now I look at rewards solely from how I can use them to break old habits or introduce new habits. The cool thing about using the rewards this way is you can eventually phase it out at some point and the underlying habit you’ve created more or less continues. We’ve had success using everything from stickers charts to marble jars. If you are interested in this, I’ve written more about it here. Also, grab a copy of “Power of Habits” if you can… it’s a very nice peak into some of the curiosities of human nature and how much creatures of habit we all are 🙂
I hadn’t heard of “Motivated Minds” — I’ll take a look at it too!
Dear Sumitha,
That sounds like a very good book, I should take a look at that soon!
From the sound of it, I feel that both books have the consistent message about the place of external rewards in that external rewards can break an old habit or start a new habit (Power of habits) or spark-plug motivation (when there’s no motivation in the first place. Motivated minds).
Does what I think make sense?
Yeah, it does! I like that perspective — think of rewards as just the initial spark plug to get things started, and then the engine of parental guidance/reinforcement + intrinsic motivation within the child takes over, and things start cruising along smoothly.
(I’m a sucker for metaphors… it helps things stick in my brain. Thanks for this one, Viola 🙂 )
I love that analogy!
Fabulous article Brit and your reminder that character building ,for lack of a better metaphor,is a marathon not a sprint is spot on. We live in a society that embraces instant gratification to the point that we,as parents and adults who should know better, can get caught up in that mentality and expect change overnight in our children. Great article!
Love that metaphor, Kelli! Yep, it’s all to easy to get caught up in wanting instant results, especially if we see some other parent trying something similar and getting those results faster. That’s why I love articles like this one to gently remind us to slow down sprinting and get back to marathon mode 🙂
Brit and Sumithra,
I’m in the position of being the adult for a mother who never developed the attributes of good character. Her son has wound up in jail repeatedly.
I cannot expect overnight rehabilitation in her, which is what I took away from your article and the post-article comments.
I exploded at her a week ago, then posted a note in today’s
mail to simply say exactly why I’m sorry and asked forgiveness. I also stated that some time apart would be healing for both of us.
Years of getting away with being a bully have never instilled a motivation to change her character. She takes no responsibility and has contempt for customer service representatives who do not give her “her way.”
My own post traumatic stress disorder therapy will help me air the long term effects, but my mom will still limp along toxic.
I know that fruits of the spirit are what we all seek in ourselves; I get frustrated when I cannot do more than model self control and gentleness and hospitality. I have had emotional abuse from this parent almost 56 years, now.
I’d like to rest. She has broken relationships all through her life as they did not suit her.
Parenting a parent is exhausting. I cannot tell her what to do or how to act, as she is an adult. So there’s a lot of silence.
I hope you both develop the attributes of fine citizens. This is just to say “great expectations develop great adults!”
My love to you both.
Lynne
Parent of a fine 28-year old!
Lynne,
I love what Sumitha posted in the comments above about mistakes – I know I’ll make them, I just hope I don’t make the same ones over and over. It sounds like you are breaking that cycle, and that’s a hard row to hoe, but so worth it!
I love that you admitted specific mistakes and apologized. So often, I think, we throw out an “I’m sorry,” but it doesn’t seem genuine because it isn’t pointed.
Thank you for taking the time to read the article and leave a comment!
Thanks so much for your kind words, Lynne. I agree with Brit — you’ve taken on the difficult task of breaking a toxic cycle, and not just your child, but the following generations will also benefit from it!
Take some rest. Be kind and gentle to yourself — and give to others around you the best you can. What they do with it is up to them.
Good luck!
Great article. Agree that character education is an on-going process. Our job as parents is to just keep going and finding teachable moments to reinforce and practice these important life skills.
Thanks for great insight.
Best, Suzanne Wind
Thanks for your kind words. Suzanne. You’re right – as long as we keep reinforcing these life skill in our kids and in our ourselves, we should come out OK in spite of some of the mistakes we make along the way.
Great words Suzanne! My problem is always recognizing the teachable moments – I have no trouble creating them!
I agree and echo these sentiments whole-heartedly. Thank you for putting them so perfectly into words.
Thanks, Tiara. So glad the article resonated with you.
Thanks Tiare! So glad to be a part of this great community!
Hi Brit! I think this article is so helpful to all of us mamas. Character traits are so important and as I’ve learned not only are my children learning and building character, I am as well.. Daily! God gives me lots of opportunities every day to show his love and grace to my sweet kiddos 🙂 thank you for sharing your wisdom! We can all learn from each other.
Totally agree, Kacy! We parents learn as much from our kids as they do from us. And of course, there’s a lot for us to learn from other parents as well. Glad you’ve joined the conversation 🙂
Thanks Kacy! I’m learning every day – and finding new mistakes that need my attention every day too!
I teach part time in Kindergarten and we use the “Caught being Good” in one of the three classes….it is such a wonderful way to be positive and build self esteem!
Thanks for the great post !
I love the “Caught being good” technique… pretty much any time I remember to us it (which sadly, is not always, but I’m working on it), it has worked wonders!
Thanks for sharing, Nancy!
Ugh! Why is it so much easier to find the bad? This has been a real focus for me lately to catch the good!
Lots to think about. Thanks for sharing!
Thanks Leslie! Thank you so much for taking the time to participate in the discussion!
Brit,
Thank you for this article! So many important points and things for me to think about! I love the fruits of the spirit tree! We will be starting that!
Thank you for your time in writing this article and for giving specific ideas for me to work on!
And most importantly, thanks for being my friend! 😉
Jennifer
Your teacher-mind will make a beautiful Fruits of the Spirit tree! Can’t wait to see what you come up with for your girls!
Thanks Brit for the great article! Almost 18 years of parenting between my two kids, character building is definitely an on going process. It is not only what we as parents would like to instill in our kids but it is a combination of each individual kid’s personality and our influence. Thanks Sumitha for running this article.
Thank you for your comment Vee! I love what you said about each individual child at each individual point in their lives. This parenting thing means you always have to be on your toes, doesn’t it! I love the challenge of learning with them though!
Thanks Brit for the wonderful article! I have 3 boys with totally different personalities and being consistent in my parenting is a challenge at certain times. I love, love, love the “Fruits of the Spirit Tree” idea!!!
Kara S.
I loved this article Brit, we constantly need to remind ourselves what true values we should teach our little ones and be patient along the way. All the best wishes.
That’s a soo delicate theme! children are very tender and their characters are haven’t formed yet. When my first son was born, i was reading so many psychology articles and books. But we can’t affect alll situations in teir lives. I have two brilliant sons and i give them all i can but i can’t be sure what environment can give them.
very cool