How capable are your kids?
I’m not talking about their math ability or how well they throw a baseball.
Can they operate a vacuum cleaner? Cook a meal? Lodge a complaint? Change a light bulb?
Many kids today live a life of entitlement. Very little is asked of them in terms of responsibilities at home.
I know, at least in my house, this is mainly due to parental laziness. It’s much easier to do a job myself, especially if I want it done right (interpretation – the way I think it should be done).
I get tired of nagging, demanding, and threatening. Consequently, instead of teaching kids responsibility, I accept half-hearted efforts because, well, at least they did something.
My kids have very few responsibilities in the real scheme of things, yet they claim that kids at other houses aren’t enslaved as they are in our home. Hmmm…
Raising a Generation of Entitled Kids
In her book, Cleaning House: A Mom’s Twelve-Month Experiment to Rid Her Home of Youth Entitlement
28% of 22-29 year olds rely on money from their parents to fund major expenses. They move home and freeload expecting their parents to take care of them. They don’t feel responsible for paying the bills, especially if it means taking a job that is hard and doesn’t pay well. In 1970 80% of American women left home by age 24, by 2007 that number had risen to age 29.
Wyma asks — Why should they? Isn’t the world here to serve them? Aren’t they entitled to a strife-free happy life?
She makes a point. I know my own kids are indignant when I ask them to do a chore not on their assigned list.
But Wyma takes the argument another step.
She says that when we do the work and problem solve for our kids, essentially we’re saying they aren’t capable of doing it themselves.
When their rooms get beyond messy, we barge in and clean-up for them, sending the message that they can’t do it themselves.
When we do all the laundry, housework, and cooking, we continue to assert that they’re not capable of doing their part.
We treat them like long-term guests in our homes.
When they spill something and shed tears of frustration or embarrassment, we rush in to rescue, teaching them that they aren’t responsible for cleaning up their own messes.
And when a homework project overwhelms and they’re exhausted after practice, we offer our assistance, instead of allowing them to learn that sometimes life is hard and you have to deal with it.
Turning the Ship Around
We can begin raising responsible, capable adults much sooner than you’d think.
There’s no need to wait until they can argue with us to get the ball rolling. Giving kids responsibility for their actions, their belongings, and their home helps combat the prolific creep of entitlement so evident in much of today’s society.
Television shows marketed towards kids are full of examples of rich, beautiful, clever children. They don’t do dishes. They don’t pack their own lunch. Heck, many of these tv personalities have hired help for those tasks. Gone are the days of the Waltons when John-Boy could be observed sweeping up.
In her online paper, “Practice What You Preach: Raising Responsible Versus Entitled Children“, Marsha B Sauls, PhD, speaks of parenting for responsibility as the flip side of parenting for entitlement.
When we hold our children accountable for their actions, even if it means an uncomfortable, even painful, interaction with them, we are raising responsible children.
I know firsthand, how difficult this can be especially with a strong-willed (and confidently vocal) daughter! It’s a lesson I seem to need to learn repeatedly.
It began with our first emotional tug of war when I asked her at age five to tidy up her room and continues today at fifteen.
My heart broke the first time she yelled – “You are so mean! I hate you!” in response to my request that she hang up her towel.
It would be much easier to avoid these battles, and I admit there are days when I take a pass, but I love my kids enough to continue the effort knowing the world needs more responsible people and fewer entitled ones.
So how do we raise responsible rather than entitled children?
It takes an intentional effort on our part as parents.
Want to hear more about how we can set up opportunities for our kids to learn more responsibility? We partnered with Dr. Deborah Gilboa, industry-leading speaker, author, influencer, media personality and mom of four boys, to discuss key challenges parents most often face when trying to teach responsibility and the concrete strategies that work.
This packed masterclass is one of the 60+ masterclasses you get when you join the AFineParent Academy today. Click here to learn more.
Change May Seem Hard, But We Can Do it
Eight years ago, when my son Ian was four years old, he lost all of his hair over the course of one month to an autoimmune disorder called alopecia areata. There was no magic drug I could give my child for this disease that still has no known cause or cure.
My heart broke for all the ways his life would be different with no hair (not even eye lashes or eye brows).
There was no way for me to “fix” this situation, but I could create the healthiest possible environment for Ian and maybe, I thought, his body could heal itself.
At first it seemed overwhelming, but by making small daily changes I soon discovered those little things added up to big change. Our entire family grew steadily healthier, and as a consequence happier.
I began applying this same idea to other areas of our life, especially parenting.
It’s a big job, but when you are intentional about the small things, big change is possible.
In my book, Live Intentionally: 65 Challenges for a Healthier, Happier Life
In that same spirit, here are 50 simple challenges you can use to begin teaching kids responsibility at any age.
Age Appropriate Chores/Tasks for Toddlers
- Turn off lights when he/she leaves her room (this may require that a step stool be temporarily put in place).
- Hang up towel after a bath. (Use a hook rather than a bar to make this easier.)
- Put toys away when finished. (Provide plenty of bins and easy to access storage.)
- Say thank you to teachers, doctors, babysitters, waiters, even the mailman every time you encounter them.
- Carry dishes to counter after eating. (Take it one step further and have your child put his/her utensils in the dishwasher.)
- When a spill occurs, instead of swooping in, hand your child a towel and help him wipe up his/her own mess.
Age Appropriate Chores/Tasks for Preschoolers
- Set the table.
- Wipe out sink after brushing teeth.
- Turn off all the lights in house when family is leaving the house.
- Feed a pet.
- Tidy up his/her room.
- Dust a room.
- Open and hold the door for others.
Age Appropriate Chores/Tasks for Kids Age 6-11
- Wash windows and mirrors (use vinegar diluted in water for safety).
- Carry clothing to laundry room and sort. Put away clothing after it is clean.
- Answer the phone politely and take a message.
- Load dishwasher.
- Walk the dog and/or clean out the litter box.
Vacuum a room.- Organize his/her closet.
- Help make dinner (older kids can graduate to doing this on their own).
- Pack own lunch and make own breakfast
- Accompany parent into the voting booth to observe the process.
- Help purchase/create thank you gifts for teachers, babysitter, etc.
- Do something nice for someone who is experiencing sickness or loss.
- Clean out the back seat of car.
- Be responsible for homework.
- Use phone to call grandparents, friends, etc.
- Order for herself/himself at restaurants.
- Have own library card and be responsible for late fees.
- When a need arises while shopping, ask an employee for help.
Vacuum a room.Age Appropriate Chores/Tasks for Kids Ages 12+
- Devise a schedule and test smoke detectors four times a year
- Organize a thank you gift for a coach, teacher, etc.
- Paint bedroom and rearrange furniture.
- Plant own garden. (Even if it’s only a pot or window box!)
- Create invitations/plan a party.
- Plan and make dinner once a month (or once a week!).
- Choose a charity and designate a portion of allowance to that charity.
- Mop a floor.
- When unhappy with a product or service, register a complaint.
- Create a “Day in the Life” video of your family. (Makes a great holiday gift!)
- Sew on a button.
- Write a real letter to a relative or elected official.
- Figure out the correct tip when eating out.
- Create a budget for holiday shopping.
- Wash the car and fill the tank with gas.
- Order a home-delivered meal and pay (and tip) the delivery person.
- Volunteer at a soup kitchen or food bank.
- Clean the toilet each week.
- When light bulb burns out, replace.
A few years ago on Back-To-School Night, we listened eagerly as a teacher with a reputation for being the toughest teacher in the middle school explained her philosophy. We had heard kids came away from her class better students more than prepared for high school.
“I set the bar very high,” she said. “It may even seem too high, but over the years I’ve found that we underestimate our kids. Wherever I set the bar – kids will reach for it and most will make it. If I set the bar at a reasonable height – they will meet that, too, but then we’ll never know what they were really capable of doing.”
Some of these challenges may seem like too much for your children. Challenge them to master these tasks, anyway.
I am quite certain they will surprise you and maybe even themselves.
The 2-Minute Action Plan for Fine Parents
Pull out a sheet of paper or start a new note on your phone.
List the abilities and qualities you hope your children will have by the time they are eighteen.
Back track from that point and begin thinking of chores and responsibilities you can give your children now which will help them attain those abilities and qualities before they leave home.
Instead of thinking in terms of what they can’t do, begin to see them as the capable human beings they are and discover what they can do.
The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents
Be intentional about promoting your children’s independence. Look for teachable moments.
When the food arrives and there’s unwanted mayonnaise on your son’s cheeseburger, let him explain the problem to the waiter (or eat the burger as is!). If your daughter is unhappy about a grade or an assignment, let her talk to the teacher about it before you become involved. Learning to speak up for yourself is a critical life skill. Children can begin learning this skill as soon as they can talk.
A sense of gratitude is directly related to happiness. Intentionally cultivate gratitude by commenting frequently on your own and your child’s blessings. Model saying thank you and giving thank you gifts. Instead of writing the end-of-year thank you note, have your child do it. If he is too young, have him dictate to you what to say in a note to accompany a picture he has drawn.
Think through the responsibilities your children have in your home now. Is your 11-year-old still doing the same jobs she had when she was eight? Determine if your children are capable of doing more and set the bar high.
Talk to them about why they are being given new responsibilities- They are important contributors to your home. They are more mature now. They need these skills for the day when they have their own homes. Help them see beyond the grind of clearing their dishes or hanging up their towels and relate it to the future when they have roommates, bosses, even children of their own.
When a household problem occurs – a toilet overflowing, a broken glass vase, the cable is out, the food processor blows the circuit – involve your children in the solution. Maybe they’re too young to handle broken glass, but you can talk to them about the importance of finding every shard so that no one gets hurt and teach them the trick of shining a flashlight on the surface to spot fragments you might have missed. Show them where the circuit breaker box is and how you can tell if a circuit has flipped. Allow them to be part of the solution.
Here’s the bottom line for all of us fine parents: If we are intentional in our parenting, our kids have a better shot at growing up confident in their own ability to take care of themselves. Isn’t that what we really want for them?
I think its great to teach kids responsibility early. However, a small quibble with the “generational” characterization of 22-29 year olds who today living at home versus 1970. This is not due to entitlement, rather, the opposite. Those 22-29 year olds who can afford their own apartments and home are probably more privileged than those who either (a) can’t get a job because they do not have a college degree (b) need to live at home because their college degree put them in serious debt. The only reason my husband and I (both millenials) can afford to be married, in our own apartment, and have our first child is that neither of us had college debt and now have good paying jobs. We are the entitled ones, not my acquaintances who need to live with their parents.
Thanks for that perspective, Carrie. I don’t think either Cara or I thought of including a few challenges for encouraging “financial responsibility” which is definitely something we parents should start teaching at an early age! Maybe we’ll have a dedicated article to tackle that sometime soon 🙂
Anyway, about living with the parents – whether that is a sense of entitlement or not might depend on the attitude of the young adults doing it. If someone lives with parents as part of a bigger strategy to pay off their debt as early as possible, so by the time they have their own kids they are in a much better financial situation, that is still being responsible in my perspective.
On the other hand, if someone has the attitude that it is their parents’ job to bail them out each time they get into a fix well into their adulthood, to me, that sounds like a sense of entitlement.
What do you think?
Hi Sumintha. I was really bothered by that paragraph too and actually found it shockingly insensitive (and a little ageist). The reality that most young adults face right now isn’t a matter of being “financially irresponsible”. They simply picked a lousy time to be born. Their generation has been and continues to graduate into the worst economy since the Great Depression. They live at home because they have no choice. They don’t have jobs or are woefully under-employed. It’s a cause for empathy, not judgement.
College debt is a different story, and there are tactics to minimizing it for undergraduate education. But if a young adult wants to go on to graduate school, debt is inevitable.
The bigger issue here is why a life necessity — a good education — is something that must hobble too many kids for decades. Many European countries understand that education is a national investment and find it shocking how we burden children and their families with the cost of becoming valuable members of society.
Yes, parents play a key role in teaching their children how to make good financial decisions. But helping our young adults when they are struggling to enter the workforce because of an economy that tanked because of us … well, that’s not entitlement. It’s what we should do for them.
Hmmm… your comment surprises me a bit, Marianne. Maybe it is because our backgrounds are so different, we come at it so differently?
Here’s where I come from…
After my undergrad I worked for 2 years in India and saved diligently. All my savings however were just enough for the airfare to US + the cost of visa and other essentials needed for the US trip. I didn’t have enough money to pay the fees. I had 2 choices – take a loan from the bank or borrow money from my dad. I went the latter route. My dad didn’t really have any money either… so he pulled it out of his business and gave it to me with a strict understanding that I MUST return it in less than 6 months. My first 2 weeks in the US was a living hell — I was trying to get used to a new culture, new food and the mid-August Texas heat. We didn’t have a mode of transport and walked miles each day. And we beat on every professor’s door relentlessly until we finally found assistantships. And then throughout the semester, we saved and scrimped but by the end of the term, I sent my dad his money back.
I don’t see very many kids raised here do the same (and I’m worried that, that could be my kid tomorrow).
And I know it’s very easy to go that other route… the financial discipline we used to get ourselves here went down the drain pretty fast once we did get here. By the time we finished grad school my husband and I had raked up a big pile of credit card debt (credit cards were just being introduced in India when we left and we had no clue how those things worked… I applied to every student card I was offered and maxed them out and the interest rates on them are atrocious). We didn’t even know how bad a hole we were in until my husband started his job and we took stock of the situation. Our conservative financial upbringing kicked into high-gear. We were on a single income because I had decided to continue school… it took us two years of scrimping and scrounging but we finally paid off every last penny and have stayed debt-free since.
This story is not unique to us. Many of my friends have worse stories since they graduated with Computer Science degrees just when the dot com bubble burst.
Yes, people take on education loans, make financial mistakes, don’t get jobs etc. But blaming the system does not seem like the right answer to me. The system here may not be the perfect and there may be other countries that do it a whole lot better. But it can be whole lot worse as well and people come from those worse systems and manage to make a good life here in the US. This really is a land of the opportunity… it takes struggle, diligence, discipline and luck, but the system being bad really has very little to do with it.
I’m a millennial.. boo. Article is spot-on. There’s always an exception to every rule. So there’s a few exceptions. Overall, my generation is entitled. I see where my parents could’ve been more intentional in teaching me about finances, saving. I just realized how badly my 9 year old is needing my guidance and discipline here, thank you so much for your EXTREMELY accurate article! Blessings!
I like your perspective.
I think parents need to teach kids that getting into debt is not a freebie. Debts are serious and can be catastrophic for kids trying to start a life after years of education.
If you are considering a debt, you should think about how you will pay it off, before you agree to it.
It’s also possible many parents don’t have a healthy relationship with money themselves, so they aren’t equipped to teach their kids good financial behavior, which leads to unintended consequences.
My parents are immigrants and paid for my college. I feel lucky for their choice. Then I paid for my graduate school by having a daytime job.
There needs to be more education to parents on healthy financial management for the family and for their kids.
I realize the article is about helicoptering. I do my best to not helicopter and walk away when I see kid disagreements. The problem is that other parents are stepping in and trying to negotiate on everyone’s behalf for a happy resolution. Is there a kind/polite way to ask other parents to let things be and that my daughter can manage?
I agree with you on being disappointed with the typical “kids these days” tone, and I double-checked what I was reading because I expected more from A Fine Parent.
The Millenial generation has a tough situation financially for reasons that have nothing to do with entitlement. And I think, as a Millenial who did pay my own way for college and graduated debt-free and who has been pretty successful, that I’m entitled to the opinion that my peers are suffering for reasons that have nothing to do with their work ethic.
I work hard to develop my kids’ sense of responsibility around the home and their sense of financial responsibility, but the issues are a lot more complex than simply working hard in the land of opportunity.
I respectfully disagree – they don’t have jobs because they are not willing to do the type of work that is available. My teenagers found jobs every summer – they didn’t like them, they were hard, they didn’t pay very well – but they were JOBS! Now they are both college graduates with no debt (because they worked through college at those same kinds of “yucky” jobs) and living on their own, supporting themselves and living full lives. If jobs were supposed to be easy or fun they wouldn’t be called jobs…
Really, this is all so very true. It is amazing how many immigrants can come to the US and….gasp……actually become affluent, while American born kids complain, over Starbucks, about there not being enough opportunity.
Yes, college is becoming less affordable, which is a shame. However, even back decade(s) ago, the kids I attended college with spent their time living it up, not working to lighten their later burden. Even as I got older, the young adults I attended Veterinary School with also subsidized their dinners and drinks out via student loans. And those were “smart” kids. It’s a little hard to find empathy when you actually see that there is a very real lack of planning, for the sake of immediate gratification under the guise of “self-care” and “deserving to treat oneself”.
Let’s face….our ancestors came from different countries with only the clothes on their backs. They made it bc they had the desire to do so.
Fast forward to eras such as the Great Depression. They made it bc of the desire to do so.
I’m sorry to say but Parents make it too easy for kids of today’s generation to lose that desire to do so. It’s easirr for us parents to create a safety net , right or wrong.
I’m my humble opinion i view that at entitlement as well but it’s no fault of the child. They were taught it and simply squeezing it for all that it’s Worth
This author has it right.
Our children need to become more resilient and have more of a drive to do things themselves instead of getting help from an all too eager parent bc it does the child no favors.
Sorry to say but these opposing comments do not surprise me. We live in an entitled world where we are offended by everything especially truth.
Excellent! What a comprehensive list of tasks. I love how the tasks/responsibilities are broken down by age group.
How true that we underestimate our children, every single day! It’s amazing what they’re capable of doing, from such an early age.
I do feel it’s worth pointing out that many of the preschooler tasks and responsibilities may be accomplished (or mostly accomplished) by a toddler. All it takes is accessibility and patience.
Our daughter has been responsible for feeding our dog since she turned 2. She is capable of taking her dishes to the sink and washing/rinsing/drying. One of favorite tasks is emptying the dishwasher.
It’s all about providing the tools, and having the patience, to let your child access, and accomplish, these daily tasks.
As adults, it’s in our nature to focus on quick accomplishments. Slowing down, and letting young children actually enjoy the task, makes life more pleasurable for everyone.
Instead of fighting against your toddler and their headstrong demands (I do it! Me!), let them help you. We find our family is way more relaxed when we encourage our toddler’s participation.
Thanks for the helpful article!
Wow, Ashley, That’s awesome!
The more I think about it, the more I feel sad that I didn’t start doing this at an early age… when my daughter was a toddler/pre-schooler, she loved “helping me out”, except a lot of the time it would only create extra work for me, in addition to slowing me down. So while I did let her help me sometimes, more often than not, I would get her engaged in something before starting to cook or do my chores. And now, she isn’t as keen to help me with those chores (eg. emptying the dishwasher). I have however noticed that she likes to help me with other stuff now and I’m trying to not repeat my mistake (for instance, if her give her a spray bottle and a rag, she’ll clean all the kitchen counters for me — half the spray bottle is gone, but after about an hour the kitchen counters actually sparkle! Ah, bliss 😉 ). It doesn’t come naturally to me though, and like Cara says, I am trying to be intentional about it….
Good suggestions! I find most little kids love to help. The challenge comes in being willing to sacrifice a certain amount of efficiency and quality while they are learning. It’s much easier for me to simply clean or cook things myself, but when I can afford to stretch out the process I love it when my kids pitch in. All my kids are good pancake flippers, they can all bake cookies from scratch without help, they all know how to pack their own lunches. Rather than fight with my oldest about her laundry being everywhere we got her a hamper and put her in charge of it herself. If she doesn’t have clean clothes in the morning, she’s the one who has to figure that out.
The funniest thing about learning life skills is how the environment shapes that. My brother’s family is in New York, so my niece had to teach my kids the ins and outs of the subway and living in an apartment. When my niece is with us there are different skills we take for granted–like using a hanger. My brother was stunned to realize at age nine that his daughter had never used one because there were none on her height level in their apartment. I love that our kids get to learn different skills from one another when they visit in different places.
I get totally tripped over the “willing to sacrifice a certain amount of efficiency and quality while they are learning” part, Korinthia, but being intentional and forcing myself to put my borderline OCD/perfectionism on the shelf does seem to help a bit 😉
And I so agree with you about learning different skills while visiting different places. I still remember one of our India visits… unlike here, when you buy fish there, it’s not cleaned, butchered, filleted and nicely packaged. So, my parents got whole fish and my daughter (who was either 2 or 4 then) was totally fascinated and wanted to help. I was quite grossed out and didn’t want her anywhere near that fish, but my mother insisted that this was an experience and I could take her for a bath right after… She set her up with a bowl of water and a brush to help her remove the scales off the fish while my mom cleaned/butchered it. And my daughter had such a blast and was so proud of her contribution! Through the rest of the trip she helped us peel peas out of their pods, carry water (in a little mug while we carried them in buckets), make chapatis (flat rolled bread) etc. It was a very different experience and so much fun… and while I was more open to it during our vacation, as soon as we came back and life started moving at a million miles a minute again, I stopped involving her in the daily routine tasks… shame!
Another thought — my elder sister was also visiting our parents during our India trip, and she thought it was perfectly normal for my mom to let my daughter help with the fish. While growing up, I was the middle child among 3 girls, and both my sisters helped mom in the kitchen while I always found ways to slink out. Consequently, my elder sis is very efficient with cleaning/butchering fish (and cooking it – yumm!) whereas I stick to pre-packaged tilapia fillet… and like everything else parenting, learning and teaching responsibility is something that will carry on through generations!
That’s so fun about the fish! I bet your daughter loved that. My niece goes to India regularly and recounts all kinds of interesting skills to my kids that are new to them. They, in the meantime, introduce her to oddities such as watching TV and riding on bikes.
The birth order thing does play a role. For instance, my oldest was primed for babysitting because she has younger siblings. My other two have never had that responsibility thrust on them the same way, so those will be harder skills for them to pick up.
And random funny story about cooking while I’m here: My mom is an excellent cook and wanted to pass on her skills, so she had us on a plan where the first week I would learn breakfasts, Barrett was on lunch, and Arno on dinner, but the whole plan fizzled out after a week. So I got good a breakfasts, Arno became pretty good at dinner, and Barrett learned nothing because lunch was the freebie, and that pattern lasted for YEARS–well into adulthood. (Barrett’s better now, and Arno has mastered waffles, but in our 20s it was a different story.)
Thanks, Korinthia! I just replied to Marianne’s comment above and that led me down a fairly rough time in our lives… this comment really pulled me back out and put a huge smile on my face… (And as an added bonus, if I ever meet you at your place for food, I know which meal to pick 😉 )
Thank you for the lists Cara! I always love the age appropriate listings… I often look through and then think to myself, “yep, they could do that themselves!”
Since my four littles are so close in age, I got into the habit of assembly-lining things early on. While this helps me greatly with time management, it leaves little room for the kids to participate in becoming self-sufficient. Now that they are a bit older, I’ve realized what a disservice this is and am trying to let the kids do things themselves and make mistakes to learn more-and-more.
I’m with Sumitha though, I have to shelf my OCD tendencies! This is a hard one for this mama!
I love the idea of assembly-lining, Brit! I see your point about how this could get in the way of a child learning to do an entire task from start to finish… but in spite of it, I can’t help myself being in love with it. Maybe you can think of it as helping your kids learn to work cooperatively and raising awesome team players? 🙂
Wish I would have thought of an assembly line when our brood was young! I think it works perfectly if you rotate the order from time to time 🙂
Excellent article! I love how its broken down by ages … I have a 2 year old, so I really don’t want to read about the older years yet. I have saved this article as I will have to use it again 🙂 Thank you!
Glad you liked it, Cindy! Thanks for taking the time to let us know 🙂
I often fall into the trap you noted – I don’t push so hard because it’s easier to do myself and I don’t feel like arguing.
I think your basic point – about the benefits having kids do chores- is a good one.
Thanks for sharing, Larry. Every parent probably has chosen to do something themselves, in spite of realizing it’s better to let our kids take on some responsibilities, because it’s so much easier, right?
Maybe if kids were allowed to be kids and were supported emotionally instead of expected to go to school all day and ‘perform’ 24/7, they’d enjoy their childhoods more. Why should children be forced to get up early, rushed through getting ready, spend all day at school, spend more time at activities, come home to do homework, and have a ton of chores? When are they allowed to be children?
I’m a home schooling mom with tens of thousands in college debt who has never moved back home and never gets any type of help from my family – not because I don’t feel ‘entitled’, but because I wasn’t emotionally supported as a child. I wasn’t allowed to be a kid. I lived life just as you described it. School, activities, homework, chores, bed – EVERY DAY. My kids do have chores that they have to do before ‘screen time’, but otherwise they play freely. They are only little once.
Let them be.
Thanks for that perspective, Katie. As with everything, it all boils down to balance — you can’t burden kids with too many expectations, while at the same time, they do need some responsibilities placed on their shoulders.
Emotional support is also a balance — we parents are humans too. We have our ups and downs. For most of us, being perfectly supportive all the time is just not a possible realistic option. Given whatever circumstance we’re in, if we make the best effort to support our kids, I’d like to think we (and they) will come out OK.
But, life is neither easy or simple. The idea of “kids being kids” is an extremely new concept and has never been done in the way of having very limited responsibilities. In every culture, kids contribute. The thing that has changed, is that things have become so easy and society so affluent, that we don’t see the real, true need for children to contribute in order for the family to survive. Some would say that is good, but we might well find out it creates perma-children. Adults who never actually grow up.
My daughter has been very responsible in taking care of her school work right from when she was in elementary school. She is a senior now. But when it comes to doing chores around the house, she will always give some excuses why she couldn’t do it. I think that is mainly because I didn’t assign any chores as her responsibility when she was younger. With my second child, my son, I started assigning chores at early. He is 13 now, he helps with mopping, vacuuming and sometime baking too.
I agree, Vee. The sooner we can start getting our kids involved in the household chores, the easier it is to establish it as a “habit” that gets done without too much resistance. My main problem with doing this with my daughter (who is 6), is “being willing to sacrifice a certain amount of efficiency and quality while they are learning” as Korinthia stated above… it is just so much easier, quicker and ‘done right’ when I do it myself 🙂 I’m trying though, and hopefully as my daughter learns to do some of the chores right, I will get more comfortable assigning them to her…
Great article!
When I had my first child – I told myself that I would try out “an experiment” with her. All my friends at the time who already had kids, were always telling me stories of how their 4yr old learned a new language, or how they learned some other skill. Or how good they were at playing hockey at age 5, etc..etc..
So I was realizing – that kids are literally like sponges. And they will soak up whatever information you give them.
So my experiment was “let me see what she can learn early on” I approached it like “she’s smarter than I think. So she can learn just about anything”
I decided when she was almost 2 – that I would kill 2 birds with one stone. So while I was teaching her how to count numbers, I also introduced money at the same time, by teaching her how to count pennies. So we’d lay on the ground and count from 1 to 10 – using pennies. After she got familiar with pennies, I then introduced the other coins. By the time she was 2 – she could identify all the coins no problem!
And that’s why I love the comment above when Cara said “We can begin raising responsible, capable adults much sooner than you’d think”.
Because I honestly believe that the only limits our kids have – are the limits we put on them.
Sure – a 2 year old may not be able to do college level algebra – but you’d be surprised at what they can learn if you simplify subjects/tasks to their age level.
Your kids are smarter than you give them credit for, and they can do more than what you think. Hold them to that higher standard, from the beginning, and they will grow up knowing that to be the norm.
Wow, that’s interesting, Simple Ryan… my daughter’s school has the exact same philosophy! They even have play money which is very similar to the real money that they use for their counting and math, just as you mentioned!
While I love this philosophy, and the results it has brought so far, I am also a little wary. Kids at her school read at a very young age, their vocabulary is far broader than many other kids their age, their grasp of number concepts and grammar(!) is impressive, they are very independent etc. But it is a bit of a double-edged sword… it can easily go from giving the sponge a lot to soak up, to giving it so much that there is no room to soak up anything else, anymore!
I suspect as a parent, at home, since you don’t have a fixed curriculum and it is mostly child directed, it works well.
But at her school they have a fixed curriculum and rules… so while a few kids thrive in this environment, some others start to struggle. She’s doing OK so far, but I know that can change very quickly. I’m constantly having to watch out for when to nudge and when to pull back!
Well..well…well…look at that! Looks like I’m actually doing something right after all. 🙂
Maybe I’ll start a school program out of my house (since I’m already on the right track).
I’m accepting students now. Sumitha – yours can come for Free-99! No cost at all.
They’ll fit right in since it sounds like they’re already used to some of my curriculum. hahaha!
My opinion is this – don’t worry about them learning too much. Is there really such a thing? The brain is an AMAZING tool…and it can soak up lots of info. There’s always room for more. Just keep everything in moderation. Balance the learning with fun and playtime also – and you’re good to go!
Kids are for ever changing and evolving. Sure – it’s great to get them off to a good start – but that’s no guarantee as to how they’ll end up later on in life. All you can do is keep planting the right seeds, provide some good fertile soil – and hope that as they grow up, there aren’t any bad weeds (bad friends) that creep around and steer them in the wrong direction.
As legend (and marketing material) has it, my daughter’s school was actually started by a mom with just a class full of her kids and a few of their friends back in the 50s, and it may well have been a simple conversation like this that triggered it. So yes, Simple Ryan, you should totally go for it 🙂
BTW, I love your gardening analogy. To take it further, each child is like a mystery seed… whether they grow into a beautiful tree that gives shade and fruit for years to come and weathers tough storms stoically, or a scrawny shrub that flails and struggles through the different seasons, or something in between, isn’t really up to us… all we parents can do, like you said is, is provide fertile soil and keep bad weeds out the best we can!
Please email me at your earliest conv. I would never have thought I would be looking at websites on parenting. I’m trying to find answers on what exactly I did, or my child has done, or my wife has done for me to get to a point I’m searching for help. I love my wife like you wouldn’t believe and if you knew us you would think we are the sweetest couple and perfect and fun to be around. Which we are, but I think we both just put on a mask. Struggling with my 14yr old boy that does not understand what I’m trying to teach him, or have been teaching him for years now. When asked he gives the answer he always gives “oh”. So mom I guess after many many fights with him just not getting it complies with the son so now I’m the bad guy that is always B******ng and Complaining. How things got turned on me for being the bad guy and all I wanted to do is teach my kids pretty much common sense on what’s wrong and what’s right. Now it pretty much is like whatever, dad’s just Bi****ng again. Please help I love my wife and family and been married for 11 years and her and I don’t have 1 single problem never have, her boy is now 14 and he’s just not getting it.
Hi Brooks – sorry this comment is so late in coming. Not sure if you’re still searching for help or not, but I thought I’d throw my two cents in here.
At 14, kids are pretty set in their ways. If not much has been asked up until now, it’s tough to start but it’s also important to teach this young man responsibilities. He’s old enough that you should be able to have a real conversation about why you’re asking for him to do things around the house. Of course, he’ll resist, most teens are lazy, but most teens are also smart. Explain to him that you need his help around the house and that it makes a difference. When my less-than-enthusiastic teenage kids have complained about what I’m asking them to do, I tell them that my job is to raise them to competent, responsible adults and that part of becoming a good roommate, partner, spouse, friend, etc., is doing your share. I also tell them that when they are on their own they can live however they want, but if when they are living here, I expect a certain standard.
If it comes down to it, I also explain that I’m happy to drive them to the places they want to go or host their friends at our house or take them shopping for new clothes, etc., but I won’t do it until they’ve taken care of their responsibilities at our house.
Hope that helps. It sounds like your heart is in the right place. Good luck!
I have 4 Grandchildren I LOVE WITH ALL MY HEART, ages 1, 5, 9,,, & 12 that have never taken on nor taught any responsibilities & in the mist of a divorce looming my Son is very upset with me when he brings all grandchildren down to stay with us every weekend when I have them picking up and doing a few chores before they leave to return back to their mother.
From the time they arrive at my home until they get ready to go back to be with their Mother they do absolutely nothing but turn my house upside down and will not do the dishes until I say something to the 9 & 12 year Grandchildren and all would rather walk on or over something on the floor until being told to pick items up!
This has became a very sore subject between my SON & myself since he has been living with me since he himself does not lead them by setting an example himself to doing anything around the house.
My Son thinks that I am picking on the kids & gets very defensive with me!
I am 71 and all this is new to me I would like to hear anything back from other parents that have had to go through this same thing! THANKS
My kids behave differently when they are at their grandparents house or a friend’s house than they do a mine. Children learn what is expected of them at one house or another. I think that as long as you tell them consistently (and this is exhausting for me at almost 50, so I can imagine it is even more so at 71!) what you expect them to do in terms of picking up/helping, they will do it. You could even tell them, “Hey, I’m not as young as your parents, I need your help with this.” That way they see they are necessary, contributing parts of the household whenever they are with you.
They will learn so very much from you and even if they grumble, they will respect grandma. If no one has ever asked anything of them in terms of helping at home, of course they won’t volunteer to help on their own. We’re all lazy! Ask them for their help with love and expect them to respond. You’ll be teaching your son a lesson at the same time. And try to ask for help with things other than picking up/cleaning – maybe cooking/baking/sewing/gardening, too. Think how awesome it would be if you have four little people helping you all you have to do!
One last thought – be sure to thank them for the help. I know and you know they should do it because they are regular guests at your house and they should want to help their grandmother, besides, but a simple thank you goes a long way in acknowledging how much their help matters and how much they matter.
Good luck! Thanks for reaching out!
My question to you is related to my son in law. From the time my grandson was 8 and is now 15, my son in law who is my grandsons stepfather, has been making my grandson clean up after the family dog. They have a Lab, quite large Lab! My grandson does it because he knows if he doesn’t he will be in a lot of trouble. In the past my daughter has argued the fact that it is something she doesn’t agree with because my grandson get very nauseous and vomits due to the smell. She has even tried to clean it up for my grandson as have I. However, if my son in law was to find out either of us did this, my grandson would get into more trouble and it causes my grandson to worry. Now, my daughter and my son in law are getting a divorce. Not because of this situation… My grandson has to live with my son in law while the divorce is moving forward because of legal matters. Just the other day my grandson finally told my son in law that after cleaning up after the dog, he was very sick, he vomited, and felt he couldn’t finish. My younger grandson who is 12 assisted him by hosing the vomit off the driveway and they both proceeded to do their assigned chores. The following day my older grandson told his father he will not clean the dog messes up again because it makes him so sick. My son in law told him; he will clean it up as long as the dog is alive. My grandson said to him; “Why do you make me do this when you know what it does to me”? My son in law replied; “because I’m teaching you responsibility”! My grandson asked him why doesn’t he make the younger son, who has never had to clean up after the dog once. My son in law told him; “I will buy you a mask to wear so you wont smell it”. My heart broke when my grandson said to me, “He’s trying to break me”!
My grandson is such a good kid, but I’m afraid the lesson of responsibility is not what is going on. I think there are underlying feelings of anger within him and he takes it out through control and demands to show who is boss. He is constantly saying he will have respect and control because he is the boss!!! I don’t know if he realizes this or now, but he has lost one young mans respect in the form of understanding. What, if anything do you get from his lesson of responsibility directed toward my grandson. Keep in mind my daughter is working at getting a home to move my grandson into so he doesn’t have to leave the school district. He doesn’t want to leave his younger brother and his friends.
I have a 17 year old almost 18 in December of 2017 he has PTSD extremely bad and add and it seems that I am having quite a time when he was a child it wasn’t as bad as it is now the trauma has gotten worse as time goes by I was wondering what kind of things I can help him.
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These are the age expectations I have had had for my 3 children. I also agree with what the writer says, and found it a good read in general. Many parents baby their kids leading the child/ren not being able to perform every day life expectations that normal kids their age and or normal younger kids can do. Thanks for sharing!!
I have no kids because who wants kids lol xd
So how do you go about implementing these strategies and laying down rewards and consequences ? I would love to have some help in starting this new lifestyle with my kids but I’m not sure how to go about it to make sure it’s something that sticks and not just another attempt that you wind up giving up on .
I believe the issue everyone, that wants to show aspect to the truth and facts, life is affordable.
What you desire has no price unless it unaffordable within your means. Life and living is free. By birth.
Yet “things” are what causes uneven ranged in affordability.
Example:
If you want a BMW yet your working at McDonald’s, you knew BMW were expansive before you took the job at McDonald’s. Yet the job at McDonald’s isn’t why you can’t afford the BMW. The money you’ll need for the BMW you have not accumulated.
Like the guy who live in your same low income building yet drives a Mercedes Benz!!.
It’s not about affordability. It’s about saving to get what you desire. It’s not about generation or cost. It’s about doing what you must to get what you want.
That’s what this whole article is about. Yet all I see is a bunch of adults enabling them selves like they do to their children, no matter what age. Nothing comes free. Live the life you desire and also do what it takes to do just that.
What you are willing and able to do to obtain that which you need/ desire.
You also then know what is required to do just that. Theirs many opportunities to pull from, in order to achieve your dreams and or goal in life generally.
Yet social media and examples of, a so called good life is what’s not affordable.
For the individuals need wants & dreams.
Hold yourselves as adults accountable to the choices and decisions you make for yourself and children.
All that you say isn’t affordable isn’t generational.
Things cost money no matter if cost go up or down. Stop blaming society and social media. Blame the lack of understanding, what it takes to live the life style you see yourself living comfortably.
Not dictated by society. If you still had every dollar/ penny /nickel /quarter you’ve ever received or earned in your whole life you wouldn’t need or want for anything. Nor would you think to blame your lack on anything but your own choice thus far.
No judgement to anyone just a reality check. They say it takes a village to raise a child…yet it only takes a family to truly make a life. Basically if my oldest soon stay at home till he finishes collage he will still share the responsibility of bills in the house, he is an adult regardless at home or out on his own. So the advantage he has being home is he has support with his responsibility. That keeps the balance that is required of himself when he’s in his own home when that time comes and he will also have the know how with a healthy understanding.
Question: what will you do with your next dollar literally?
Life was given to you since birth, living that life was also given at birth freely. Yet the things you desire in the life your living is strictly based your choices. What’s affordable is your decision.
A BMW and a Mercedes are still cars no matter the cost. Which one do you desire?? Is the reality. It’s all affordable.
I like how this article’s been made. Showing to kids how important work or things should be practice is only for their own good. The fact that we’ll not be able to be with them all of their life, they should be ready to face it when they grow up. Nice one!
It’s a big thing when you teach your kids about how to be responsible while they’re still young. Some parents will give them allowance as a reward. It’s a great idea that you put the Age Appropriate Chores/Tasks for Kids. Parents should follow this idea, great parenting article!
When I read ‘I asked her at age five to tidy up her room and continues today at fifteen.’ – it gives me hope that challenges can take too long to meet. I started telling my kid to pack up her stuff since she was 3 and it has been continuing with addition of loss of temper , tears, battle…. and she is now 10! I do get frustrated wondering how to ensure she acts responsible when I feel overwhelmed with all the responsibilities along with untidy house. Yes, I do love my kid and shall not let her grow irresponsible just for sake of avoiding her big feelings.