“How come Betsy has two Moms?”

We were at my son’s therapy surrounded by Moms and other children when my three-year-old daughter popped that particular question. One of those Moms happened to be in the clinic at that moment.

I know I’m not alone.

On Facebook recently I saw a post from a mother asking how to deal with the hard questions.

You know, the extremely embarrassing questions our kids ask out of the blue.

Questions that leave you in shock that they’ve been brought up at all at this age.

Questions that they ask when it is the most inappropriate time to hold a discussion about the answer.

The ones that you might not have answers to yourself.

So when my child asked “Why does my friend have two Moms?” My reply was the classic, “Um, ah, let’s talk about it later when we get home.”

I needed a minute to think about how I wanted to respond to the question because I was not expecting this question from my 3 year-old. (Of course it would be my youngest who would ask this because she is extremely observant of social nuances around her.)

How many of you have had your child ask you one of these gems?

“Where did Grandpa go when he died?”

“What is sex?”

“Where do babies come from?”

“Why is that boy’s skin so dark?”

“Why is that girl missing a leg?”

Or the immortal question, “Is Santa Claus real?”

These questions take us by surprise. We don’t expect that question to come out of our child’s mouth right then. “Deer in the headlights” is probably one of the best descriptive phrases of this situation.

I’ll never forget when one of my children asked the question if Santa Claus was real. We were in the drive thru at Walgreens and had been waiting forever to pick up our medication.

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I love learning. I love knowing and discovering new things.

It’s one of the reasons I decided to homeschool my children. I wanted them to observe my excitement about discovering new things and develop their own love of learning.

In the third year of our homeschooling journey, I read a book that suggested I compose a mission statement for what I wished to accomplish during our homeschooling years.

Aside from teaching our children to be compassionate and caring individuals, the third value I wanted to instill in them was to be lifelong learners.

That was two years ago, and since then I’ve learned a few things about raising lifelong learners.

Lifelong learners is a term to describe someone who desires to be a forever student. They’re always exploring, thinking, creating, wondering, discovering, questioning – maybe about a particular subject or generally.

Any parent wants their child to learn, but I wondered: what’s the value of being a lifelong learner?

Research has shown that lifelong learning has a vast impact on brain health, building confidence, and furthers children’s socialization skills. It also provides greater career opportunities and sharpens the ability to communicate.

Raising a child who is a lifelong learner is not hard. But it takes time and patience, just like any other aspect of parenthood!

When we give our children the gift of loving to learn we equip them in an insatiable desire to understand their evolving world and the relationships they have.

One of the most beneficial aspects I’ve experienced in my journey to creating lifelong learners is the relationship I’ve developed with my children. I’m able to watch their face light up when they understand a concept or witness them walking themselves through a process of steps to build a fort.

I’m reminded that they’re real people, with passions, desires, and creativity coursing through them like a river.

When we show them we’re on their side, that we want to help them, they learn the value of being a good parent.

And that’s the best thing they can learn.

Here are some ways to I’ve begun cultivating the lifelong learner in my children.

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A few months ago, my phone required a reset in hopes it would respond better to its master. Afterward, I realized that all my notifications had been turned off.

No little red bubbles reminded me that someone had liked my Facebook post or retweeted my genius. I started to turn them on again, but then . . . I didn’t.

And I haven’t since.

I realized I was tired of 24/7 availability.

While we wring our hands trying to figure out how to help our children avoid electronic screen addiction, most of us have to admit it’s not only a problem for young people. Our buzzing, chirping, dinging world affects everyone—and families can work together to make themselves less slavish to its electronic siren songs.

Research would suggest that we start.

Researchers conducted a series of experiments with volunteers aged 18 to 77, requiring them to sit alone for fifteen minutes with no outside stimulation. Over half of the participants disliked being alone with their thoughts so much that they gave themselves mild electric shocks as a distraction during the 15-minute session of quiet thinking.

The average American spends a little over ten hours a day looking at screens—leaving precious little time for human interaction and play, two of the healthiest things we can do. That’s more than equivalent to a full time job.

Of course, some of that time is our jobs—I feel attached to this MacBook more hours than I like to admit, because screens are my job, but they’re also my addiction, if I’m totally honest. I should put them down after five—but I don’t always.

On a test of electronic addiction, I scored “moderately addicted.” Seeing that kind of statistic for myself isn’t OK, and it’s worse for our kids.

Expert psychiatrist Victoria Dunckley has created a test to see if we can spot the signs of screen addiction, with questions like:

Does your child become irritable when told it’s time to stop playing video games or to get off the computer?

Do you ever feel your child is not as happy as he or she should be, or is not enjoying activities as much as he or she used to?

Does your child prefer socializing online over face-to-face interactions?

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Me: Do you want chicken soup or a baked potato for dinner?

Kids: —

Me (slightly louder): Do you want chicken soup or a baked potato for dinner?

Kids: What?

Me (definitely louder): Do you want chicken soup or a baked potato for dinner?

Kids: What?

Me (dialed up to 11): I said do you want . . .

Does this conversation sound familiar to you? Do you find your voice rising, your tone getting harsher, and still no response? You are not alone. For a while almost every conversation I was having with my children sounded just like that!

Believe me, I never wanted to become that parent. None of us do. So why is it so easy to fall into the habit of nagging?

Mostly it’s a question of acting on instinct. We get distracted. Whether it’s our job, our phone, our worries, our to-do list, something is consuming our thoughts and we start acting on auto-pilot.

Another reason parents nag is because they are trying to assert their authority.

We make the mistake of equating parental authority with bossiness instead of leadership. According to Dr. Robert Myers, PhD, nagging says, in effect, “I will stop punishing you with this annoying nagging when you do what I want you to.”

While it’s good to teach your children to respect authority, nagging doesn’t actually accomplish that goal. A good parent doesn’t demand respect. We earn respect by showing respect. And we teach respect by showing respect.

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Our parents had it easy. They pretty much had two sources for making decisions about their kids – their own parents and maybe a tattered copy of Dr. Spock’s baby book.

You and I, on the other hand, have access to all the material ever created on parenting at our fingertips.

We do research and worry about screen time, sugar, and our kids’ emotional development. We also have access to every opinion and judgment on social media, where our formerly chill friends can turn into aggressive parenting experts.

The result is a perfect recipe for anxious parents. As a pediatrician, it’s the most pervasive problem I see every day, and, as a parent, I struggle with it constantly too.

Good parents tend to be a bit anxious. They read books and gather opinions to help their kids be healthier, happier, and smarter in a world that seems to increasingly threaten those things. But being too anxious about our kids can get in the way of those goals.

It’s a big topic, but I want to explore a few areas where we can do practical things to reduce our anxiety. We’ll talk about how parental anxiety can create insecurities that companies are ready to exploit, for example. Then we’ll look at how it can turn the dinner table into a battleground three times a day and lead to long-term unhealthy eating habits. Finally, we’ll explore how anxiety can crush our own identities as individuals and transfer over to our kids.

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