Parenting is a risky business—being in charge of another little human is no joke.

Finding ways to allow your kids to take a few risks, however, is an infinitely more daunting challenge. And yet, it might just be one of the best ways to spark your child’s development.

Last winter, we took our boys sledding in a nearby national park. The setting was lovely and there was an area specially designed for sledding. However, it is still a national park so there were a few trees nearby (mostly off to the side of the sledding area).

My 4-year-old son is at the age where he wants to do everything himself, especially any activities his 8-year-old brother does. He’s pretty coordinated so after he begged and demanded we decided to let him try sledding by himself on the sled that has handles for steering and slowing down.

We explained how the handles worked and he was excited to try this new, exciting endeavor on his own. We, of course, explained to steer away from the trees.

His first time out, he slid off the course slightly and between two trees (a gap of only about 3 feet!) and landed in a ditch. Not bad, but it made my heart race a bit. We reiterated our instructions about steering away from the trees and let him try one more time.

This time, he ran right into a tree! Luckily, he was not injured but the sled was cracked. I, on the other hand, had a series of small heart-attacks as I watched this unfold.

We rushed over to make sure our son was not hurt and the first thing he said was, “I want to do it again!”

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Many times I’ve looked over at the mom with the quiet well-mannered kids and wondered, “Am I the only one who’s a mess? Why does every other mother seem to have it together?”

As a freelance writer with ten years of experience and counseling psychology graduate degree, I knew how to listen and be empathetic.

But all I knew about “parenting strategies” consisted of time out tactics and the “children should be seen and not heard” mindset I had been raised in.

After spending much of 2017 researching parenting techniques, I gleaned an alternative, which was less about discipline and more about connection. Surprisingly, I learned it’s not getting your kids to listen, but it’s improving your relationship that turns out to be the winning strategy.

However, even though I am a stay-at-home mom now, I worry about how much quality time I’m spending with my son. So that became my next quest.

Here are the 9 things I learned about improving my connection with kids.

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Strong-willed.

Stubborn.

Single-minded.

Obsessed.

Every teacher and care-giver my son encountered described him this way. Each conference, parent-night, or office visit began with me explaining his wit and ended with unsolicited advice from them on how to make him more compliant.

Many acted as if they offered me new information. As if I hadn’t spent any time with this child.

This child. This strong-willed, stubborn little guy is my moon and stars. The love of my life.

Each of us, if we’re lucky, has a moment when our hearts crack open, pours out in front of our eyes to become our own living, breathing, light. To be told that my light had faulty wiring split me down the middle. The ache I felt hearing these words can’t be described.

Being a new parent, I started to doubt my abilities.

I wondered if trusting myself and my connection with my son was enough to raise a solid young man. I worried constantly. I braced myself each time I walked through the doors to pick him up from school. Seeing his teachers waiting by the front desk filled me with dread.

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“Few parents nowadays pay any regard to what their children say to them. The old-fashioned respect for the young is fast dying out. Whatever influence I ever had over mamma, I lost at the age of three.” 

– Oscar Wilde in ‘The Importance of Being Earnest.’

Time and again, we talk about how we can be better parents. We talk about values we need to pass on to our children, good habits that we can cultivate in them, and disciplinary measures that we can practice when our children go astray.

We expound on how to get them to listen to our wisdom.

But hardly anyone ever talks about the importance of listening to our children when they criticize us.

Yes, you heard right. There’s very little discussion on this subject and if it does come up, most parents brush it off as being unimportant. As one parent told me “We don’t need to take advice from our kids. They’ve not lived the life we have.”

Perhaps this is one of the reasons we should listen to them; because their perspective is unclouded, and in many cases painfully truthful.

It’s high time we parents ‘heard’ what our children are saying about us, to ‘us.’ Oscar Wilde was right.

Recently, our family was on a vacation together. I was getting exasperated with my husband over things not going quite as smoothly as I had hoped.

My daughter, a young adult, took me aside and said rather curtly – “Mom, can you please ease up on Dad? He’s doing the best he can to make this a great holiday for all of us. So what if he forgot a few details? It’s not the big deal you’re making it out to be.”

I immediately bristled and gave her a couple of pointers on how the world would be a better place if we were all a bit more organized. She just walked away, exasperated.

Later, when the fog of self-righteous indignation cleared, I thought about it and realized how right she was.

I had been nagging hubby dear since morning and his unfazed demeanor was only making me madder. I swallowed my pride and decided to take her advice. As the blame game eased, it was as if the trouble in paradise never happened.

As parents, immersed in the art of parenting, we will realize soon enough, that it’s not just teenagers or young adults who shoot critical arrows in our direction. We will also hear bitter home truths (call it blanketed advice if you will) from children as little as five.

Simple unabashed remarks that force us to hold a mirror to our thoughts and make us realize, what’s reflected back at us isn’t very pretty.

“Mommy, you’re being mean to Teddy.” Teddy could be your toddler’s toy bear (inanimate right?) or a pet turtle. The onus is on ‘mean.’

Or “Why are you yelling on the phone, Mommy?” Again the onus is on ‘mean’ even if the word is not being used.

Usually, these outspoken toddlers transform into the advising young adults.

Scientists who conducted a study at the University of Illinois concluded that toddlers aged between 19 and 21 months understand the concept of fairness and can apply it in different situations. Psychologist Stephanie Sloane, who led the study said ‘We think children are born with a skeleton of general expectations about fairness and these principles and concepts get shaped in different ways depending on the culture and the environment they’re brought up in.”

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When my children were toddlers, I wanted them to be empathetic and compassionate – to be able to see the world through others’ eyes and to turn that ability into action if help was needed.

I wanted to raise the anti-bully!

And not only did I want an anti-bully, I wanted to raise kids who stood up for the bullied, and also understood the plight of the bully.

I knew I wanted to raise empathetic and compassionate kids; I just didn’t know how to do it.

As it happens, life threw me a curve ball when my kids were five and six years old, ensuring that they would learn empathy right in their own living room.

I had what was supposed to be routine surgery. Fast-forward two months, a host of complications, a few ER visits, and a second surgery later, and I emerged as this: a woman with a painful disability caused by permanent muscle, nerve, and organ damage.

Suddenly, I had to learn to keep myself alive while taking care of my children and managing the day-to-day changes in my life. In those first hectic months, I couldn’t focus on empathy, couldn’t actively try to raise two crusaders for kindness.

It turns out that my children did not forget. Faced with a parent who struggled every day with simple tasks, my children watched and learned.

They learned when they could help. And when to step back. And when to bring me one of their stuffed animals and a hug.

They learned how to walk the tightrope of being sympathetic without being overwhelmed, something that can be hard for children and adults alike.

By watching me struggle, they learned empathy and compassion.

While our situation was unique, what I learned can help you teach your own children how to build empathy.

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