“Fold the socks!”
I hear my youngest crying out of frustration, “Ohhhh, I can’t do it!”
“Yes, you can. Now I said to fold the socks!”
I come into the room, “What is going on in here?”
My husband murmured through frustration, “I’ve showed him how to fold the socks, but he won’t. Instead, he stands there and just cries…”
“Well, have you ever considered it’s because you aren’t speaking his language?”
“What do you mean speaking his language? He knows it’s because you’ll come to his rescue!”
That was just a snippet of a conversation I had with my husband a while back.
You know what I realized for the millionth time?
My husband and I do not always agree on parenting.
I’ll admit it, I’m the positive parent. I have my moments when I’m more human than positive, but I truly try to hear my kids out.
I want to communicate with them instead of barking at them.
My husband is a great father. He is a great husband. However, he was simply raised differently.
When mom or dad said to do something, you didn’t question it. You did it!
Are you and I in the same boat? You want to be a positive parent. You are trying to be a positive parent, but your partner is just not on board?
I want to share a few of my secrets that have helped me handle this dynamic without ending up in World War III on a daily basis.
#1 I Chose to Stop the Power Struggle…
Not just with my child, but with my husband as well.
What you didn’t see in the snippet of the conversation I mentioned above was the ending.
I learned a while ago that if I want to have a happy marriage and raise happy children then I have to stop battling my husband.
We are on the same team. We both want to raise great children.
When I argue my point to the death, I bring upset and division into our household.
Neither of these are healthy for our marriage or our child.
Wondering how the best relationships work through conflict successfully? We partnered with Ramona Zabriskie, author, mentor, and founder of WifeSavors, to learn more about the basic requirements of a “forever” relationship and how a happy relationship can translate into success in other parts of our lives. This packed masterclass is one of the 60+ masterclasses you get when you join the AFineParent Academy today. Click here to learn more.A lot of kids are raised in families that practice the good cop / bad cop routine. Where one parent is the positive/lenient one. While the other parent is stricter and consequently, viewed as bad.
According to Psych Central, “children suffer from low self-esteem when they perceive one parent is deeply flawed, because that parent is half of them.”
I don’t want this for my kids. I don’t want them to feel like they had a good parent and a bad parent.
And honestly, I don’t think it is fair to my husband either. Like I said, I sincerely think he is a great father.
We are both imperfect parents giving this all we have, just in two different ways.
So, you want to know what I did?
I stopped arguing. And simply accepted the fact that our parenting styles are different.
It isn’t about who is right or who is wrong.
I found that when I stopped arguing not only was our household more peaceful, but my husband stopped feeling the need to overcompensate with his style of parenting because he didn’t agree with mine.
So how did our conversation end?
I told our son that he had to do what daddy told him to do. That he needed to help fold the socks because that was something he was going to need when he got older. Then I asked him how he wanted to fold them that would make the job easier. And helped him figure it out.
Once peace was restored, I simply walked away.
I’ll be honest – I did not agree with my husband’s rescuing remark. However, even though a part of me was itching to have it out, I chose not to make any comments about it.
He came to me later and apologized. We both had been battling illness that week so neither of us were feeling up to par.
After the apology took place, that was it. It was over.
Our child folded the socks, he was happy, we were happy, and it all boiled down to realizing we are teammates.
#2 I Made an Effort to Open the Doors of Communication
What you saw in the end of step one is the outcome of this step.
First, I choose to stop battling my spouse, but after that, I made a conscious effort to talk to him.
It is important to understand your spouse’s parenting goals. You need to understand where they come from. And realize that people are going to make their parenting decisions based off of their childhood.
If they had a good childhood, they’ll likely mimic what their parents did. If they had a less enjoyable childhood, then they’ll likely try to do the opposite. This is why understanding their mindset is important.
My husband had a great childhood. He really enjoyed it.
He grew up in the country with his mom and siblings.
His mother was a single parent, and he always had a lot of respect for her because she was so strong to raise three kids on her own.
So, in his mind, he is going to try and parent as closely to her as he can.
In their household, when she spoke, you listened and did what you were told.
I don’t judge him for his approach. He turned out great, and I don’t feel his parenting style is harming our children.
I just think it adds more stress onto him.
I am the opposite. I stumbled through the first few years of parenting trying to find my parenting style.
I mimicked everyone I came in contact with until I finally found what worked for me.
When I was growing up, I was raised by a single parent too. Unfortunately, she had to work a lot in order to provide for us.
I didn’t get as much one-on-one time with her, so I didn’t really have much to go off of when I began raising my own kids.
After my third year of parenting, I realized what I wanted out of this experience. I wanted my kids to know how much I love them and how much I value them.
Not a day goes by that I take having my children for granted.
Positive parenting was my thing. It allowed me to communicate with my kids which is so important to me.
The only issue is that my husband’s parenting style and mine often times clash with each other.
I could very easily tell him to quit barking, and he could very easily tell me to quit talking to them and just make them do what they are supposed to do.
But after we both talked about why we parent the way we do and why it is important to each of us, we have a level of understanding.
We are there to help each other out if the other gets stuck, but we allow each other room to parent the way they feel comfortable.
Having this conversation with your spouse can stop a lot of the battling between the two of you.
#3 I Chose to Follow My Husband’s Lead
According to Positive Parenting.com, “The lenient parent has to follow the strict parent. When the strict parent is supported, then he or she can stop over-compensating for the leniency of the other.”
I noticed this was the case in my household and so I simply chose to follow my spouse’s lead.
It helps my husband feel supported. When you stand by your spouse and say, “Okay, I’m here if you need me. You can take this one,” it lets them know you are there for them. You have their back. You trust them instead of wanting to criticize them all the time.
They are more prone to simply handle a situation as it should be, instead of feeling like they need to discipline the child for all of the times (in their mind) they got off of the hook.
I try to do this with my husband.
When he isn’t home, I still handle things the way I think they should be handled. When I’m not home, he handles things the way he thinks they need to be handled.
When we are together though, we talk it out and make a cohesive plan of action.
And then, I follow his lead.
This doesn’t mean we don’t argue over this cohesive plan of action.
A lot of times, we’ll wait until our kids go to bed. We’ll go to our room and have a spat if that’s what it takes to get on the same page.
However, the next day, we will meet our children as a united front, and I follow his lead.
This may not work for everyone, but it works for us. Given the facts that – (a) we have different styles and in any one situation we both can’t lead at the same time (b) this isn’t about winning or losing, but rather about finding what is best for our kids and (c) my husband’s personality and mine work in favor of this – this is the best solution for us.
Marriage is tough. Raising kids is tough. It takes a large dose of humility, but the outcome is worth every ounce of effort you put into it.
#4 I Learned to Eat a Slice of Humble Pie
Everyone thinks their way is the right way. We all think there is only one “right” way to eat pizza. And there must be only one “right” way to raise a child.
But you can eat pizza folded over, holding it as a slice, or heck, even with a fork and knife. You can eat it cold, or hot. Some enjoy it with a thin crust, while it can never be thick enough for others. Some like extra sauce, and others prefer extra cheese. No matter what you think, one way is no more “right” than the other.
It’s the same with parenting. There are a million different ways to go about it.
You and I choose to be positive parents. But others (like my husband) prefer the ‘old school approach’.
As long as parents are not being negligent or intentionally hurtful, it all works out. (IMPORTANT: Different parenting styles are one thing. If your spouse is abusive, please seek help ASAP. Abuse is not a parenting style. It is a problem.)
What matters at the end of the day is this: Do your kids know how much they are loved?
Do they know how valued they are? Do they know how hard mom and dad work together to raise them the best way they know how?
Are they learning to be kind and compassionate? Are they happy and well-adjusted? Do they feel safe and protected? Are they learning to not just survive but thrive in the Real World?
If they know those things, then your child is being raised in a house of love.
So do yourself a favor. Realize that you and your partner are not the same.
Their parenting style is not the same as yours, and that is okay.
Have you ever heard the saying, “You catch more flies with honey than you do vinegar?”
Show them how well positive parenting works. Don’t beat them over the head with it.
You’ll soon find when you start respecting them and their way of parenting, they’ll do the same for yours.
And before you know it, you’ll stop worrying about how differently you each throw the ball, and simply have a great game as one happy team!
The 2-Minute Action Plan for Fine Parents
It is time to do a quick review to see where you and your partner stand on parenting styles.
- Does your partner parent differently than you?
- Does it get under your skin?
- Do you constantly critique them for this different parenting style, or does it secretly eat away at you on the inside?
- Have you at all spoken about your differences?
- Do you all fight a lot over your different parenting styles?
- Have you considered trying to follow their lead?
The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents
If your partner and you have different parenting styles, here’s a simple plan of action to establish peace at home –
1. Figure out why you parent the way you do.
Is there a particular reason you are a positive parent? Figure out your own why’s first.
2. Figure out why your spouse parents the way they do.
Talk to them. Tell them how you feel. Try to understand them as well.
See if you can reach some common ground. You don’t have to parent the same. You just have to agree to respect each other’s parenting styles.
3. Stop battling.
Even when your partner is driving you crazy about their approach, don’t fight them.
Have you never floundered in a parenting situation like a fish out of water?
I have, and I’m glad for those moments now because I learned so much.
Give your spouse the same opportunity. They are trying to figure out this parenting thing too.
4. When you are tempted to get frustrated, take a time out.
If you follow your partner into a parenting situation, and your frustration level begins to rise, don’t be afraid to walk away.
It is okay. We are only human, and differences are hard to overcome.
5. Remember your own positive parenting failures.
This may sound weird, but you know being a positive parent is not always an easy approach.
Remember all of the times you’ve failed at remaining positive.
This should help keep things in perspective as you watch your spouse handle things differently.
6. Always remember you are on the same team.
Don’t fight your partner when you share the same goal. Yes, there are different paths to getting there.
However, when you fight constantly over which path to take you tear down your marriage and family.
A little spat that allows both sides to be heard is okay and normal. You can’t live with someone for years on end and not expect confrontation.
Just handle it using healthy conflict resolution for the sake of yourselves and your child/children.
Jennifer – thank you for this. I have just recently come around to this approach and it is so nice to feel validated and to have some clear examples of how this has worked for you. Thank you.
Eileen– I’m so glad you found it helpful! Thank you for taking the time to read this article. Good luck to you!
Im really glad i read your post. But there are a few things that are different and it upsets me and makes me sad as well…my husband will not get involved at all in raising our 3 kids unless it has to do with correcting them about not jumping on couch or being careful of not hitting the tv. Its sad because i totally feel unsuported. we have a boy and 2 girls. And ive spoken to him and cried telling him i need his help . our children must hear us agree and see him involved and backing me up. im the one that solves their problem, has to comfort, correct them….etc. I dont mind doing it at all bymyself….but I have him in our lives. So there is no need for me to feel this way. If i get talked back to…he wont say anything unless i give him a look and then he does unwillingly. He rolls his eyes at me and mentions ge should of just found more work to do instead of coming home. Our children can see he gets bothered. its frustrating. i want his opinion in so many areas when it comes to our children but he wont speak unless its about himself or work…..he shuts us out. We love him and want him included. I just told him this again yesterday. ☹ i hope things get better.
Jennifer: You’ve done a great job with this important and very common parenting situation. I’m grandmothering now, and I get to see all the techniques I modeled for my old-school hubby as we worked, not always together, raising our children. Battles do no good at all in parenting; they harm. Thanks for this blog.
Hi Marcia— thank you so much! I’m amazed at all of the encouragement I’ve received from this post. It means so much!
Thank you Jennifer – I loved your awesome insights and great, practical advice! I appreciate your authentic and heartfelt article!
Hi Kerese— Thank you for your encouragment!
Thank you for this, Jennifer. My husband is a great father and husband too, but we can be on different pages regarding the kids. I’m not critical, though I definitely do sometimes feel his approach eating away at me on the inside. But you are right, and I have thought ‘what if I’m the one missing something or wrong in a certain arena regarding parenting?’ We are respectful of each other and I recently suggested that we get together every fortnight, so we can read some articles together re positive parenting, and discuss them (with bo expectations and a willingness to see that there may be a better way on my side) which he was very receptive about. I’m favouriting this post of yours as a reminder. Thank you and I wish you and your family all the best.
Thank you so much! That is great that you all are making time together to explore parenting styles. Working at it and giving it your best is all you can really ask of each other in marriage and parenting, right? Good luck to you guys!
Great comments, I often feel this way, and it’s nice to hear others struggle too! Good tips for battling it.
Hi Wendy— I agree, it’s very encouraging to hear we aren’t alone. The encouraging comments have absolutely made my day! Thank you for reading this post and good luck to you!!
Thank you so much Jennifer,
I am in a similar situation myself and it can bring up some real moments of frustration! (Possibly even more so for the children than the parents with the differing views or approaches!)
Thank you for letting me see this in a whole new light – especially the invaluable reminders that we are each great parents and people and that we can choose to embrace the different approaches to come to a happy balance TOGETHER! You are so right, our goal is the same – the well being of our beautiful children and the utter love and devotion we both feel for our little treasures. Communicating that to them, both individually and as a parenting ‘team’ is everything! I intend to take your wonderful reminders forward on my/our parenting journey into the week ahead. Bless you 🙂
Jennifer – my house has this dynamic, but my wife plays more of the role of “strict” while I am more of the “lenient” parent. We have two girls, 4 and 2. When my older girl was born, I quit my job to stay home with her. Then we had our younger girl. I stayed home with the girls for 3 1/2 years until my wife and I switched so that she could stay home and I worked. My wife will yell and threaten the girls with things like “I will take your toys away” or “you will stay in your room the rest of the day” to force compliance with the children. I try to appeal to my kids sense of being nice and responsible first and listen to them before using negative punishment. However, I will back my wife when I come in to the middle of something going on between her and the kids. And I will follow the rules that she sets out, even if she doesn’t follow them herself when it suits her mood or purposes. I can name dozens of examples but I don’t have that kind of time right now.
After my wife gets the kids to comply or punishes them, she will often turn to me and say something like “you need to be doing this stuff too. I can’t be the only one who disciplines our kids. Don’t make me out to be the bad guy.” I used to argue with her that I don’t think yelling or threatening little girls would get us anything except children who are afraid of us. That made things much worse. She would tell me that that’s how she grew up, and that’s the way it is. I grew up with strict parents too but I remember being very fearful of my parents many times and don’t want that for our kids. She’ll say that her mother and sister think that our kids are spoiled rotten and not as well-behaved as her sister’s kids who are 5 and 3…but I have seen their kids in action and there really is not much difference.
So I have decided to taken my wife’s lead since 1) arguing with her makes things way more tense and volatile in the house and 2) she is now home with the kids so she knows more about what is going on than I do. But it still breaks my heart when I come home every day to my wife yelling at my kids for doing something when I think it’s not a big deal or it could be handled through talking about it and not threatening them into compliance. My wife knows my stance on raising our kids and she thinks that either I just don’t care or that I’m content to let her play the “bad guy” so that I’m the “good guy” by comparison. It is something we simply agree to disagree on, and I hope *fingers crossed* that things work out in the end. But it is very hard to do.
Hi Scott, I’m sorry you and your wife are not seeing eye-to-eye. That’s so hard. But don’t give up hope. It is a process. Keep circling around back to what feels right to you about Positive Parenting, even while you support her in the moment. I find lots of parents fear that positive parenting means not holding your limit. You and I know it doesn’t. Lots of parents also don’t recognize that parenting is also a process. When your kids are little, you are training them and training takes time. But later, kids who have been raised with positive parenting are already in touch with their feelings and are already good at offering alternative solutions. They understand the bigger picture and at the same time are able to ask for what will work for them. (Say with Jennifer’s sock example, an older child would already know to say, “Could you show me one more time, so that I can be sure I am doing it right?” instead of going into whining or helplessness).
Interesting piece! I think another thing to keep in mind is not just that different people parent differently, but that our kids are different with each of us. With our first baby I used to give my husband advice about how to sooth her, etc. and it wouldn’t work. It took us a while to figure out that she expected and wanted different things from each of us. My husband couldn’t do the same things I did, and there were things he could provide that I couldn’t.
With our kids as they got older we had to adjust to reintroducing my husband back into the family after deployment, and his presence as a masculine figure was a contrast. They simply behaved differently toward him than they did toward me. Even when he mimicked my approach to everything the kids did not interpret it that way, and he had to find his own version to fit their expectations and needs.
Jennifer – thank you so much for reminding us that we are a team which we forget sometimes during parenting through this beautiful article. It’s an eye opener. I am definitely going to use real life advice. Thanks a lot!
This is the first time I am commenting on an article – I honestly thought I was a Positive Parenter until I read Scott’s comment about his wife saying the kids must do this or else…… I am afraid I do that and I am more the positive one than my husband.
I have obviously not read enough on Positive Parenting and now I realise that I must appeal to my child to do the right thing….. Oh my that is going to be difficult. I will have to catch myself blackmailing them often and change my approach.
Thank you for the article – my husband is less Positive than I am and tends to say things like “You always negative thing” or “You never positive thing”
A bit sleep deprived – hope this makes sense 😉
Hello! Just a testimony here. I have taken positive parenting not long ago I am afraid, a couple of years ago perhaps, when I found myself tired a yelling and getting cross, and becoming someone basically I didn’t like very much. I wasn’t that strict before, because I am still a person who deeply prefer consensus. But I was stricter than now. My husband is definitely on the strict side, my way or the high way type of person. My son is now 11 and my daughter 8. I haven’t tried to convince my husband to follow my lead because there would be no point. As you say Jennifer, this is the way he was raised, he was apparently fine with it, and for him this is the way you have to do with kids. But my difficulty now is that my son, in starting on the turmoils of hormonal pre-teen years, becomes less and less receptive to my negotiating approaches. He just digs his heels and often ignores me or refuses point blank to do what I ask him to, even when what I ask is really for his own good (going to bed at a reasonable time so that he can get up in time in the morning, that which he struggles with at the moment for example…). Reasoning and negotiating often doesn’t work as the same thoughts go round and round in his head. But he still complies with my husband’s demands because I guess he is afraid of him. It is really a disheartening thing to see. Should I dictate like my husband to obtain result? I think not. So I try and continue with my ‘techniques’ which takes me much more effort and energy that it seems to cost my husband. And I have to listen to my husband’s remarks about my lack of authority.
Hey everyone, just a quick note to thank you for your wonderful comments and insights! I have family visiting and daughter at home for summer… so I haven’t been much on the Internet. I will get back soon 🙂
Dear Jennifer,
I’m so glad I’m not alone and thank you so much for your article.
My husband has this same aim as I do- to make our children happy and we want the best for them. But… I really can’t stand when my husband uses, to our 2 and 6 years old boys, phrases such as “be a good boy!”, ” you’ve been so good, don’t spoil it now!”, ” do it as you told”… There are more of those undermining phrases but those are the maid that make me mad.
The number of times I argued with my husband that it’s not that they want to spoil anything- they are just lively boys; or that our sons are good boys and telling them otherwise lowers (yet again!) their self esteem, and doing as they’re told can lead to loss of identity!
How can I help my children and help my husband to understand?
Thank you.
Sigh… thanks for the article. Big drama over the weekend with the daddy stating the kid doesn’t get punished enough and that talking and trying to understand the daughter is not working blah blah blah. He does not believe in positive parenting at all. And will not even bother to read any parenting article whatsoever. It is a struggle. Thanks for the article!
sometimes i think your articles are just full of baloney.
if the child does not want to fold his socks, you will never get him to by “Talking to him and helping him figure out”
you conveniently just write a short paragraph on that and move on to whatever you wanted to say in this article
chweet,
You sound really frustrated by parenting right now. I’m not sure I ever met a parent who wasn’t ready to strangle her kids from time to time. I taught school for 25 years and interacted with all kinds of families and all kinds of kids. The good news is that it showed me that there really are a lot of different ways to parent to get results (and I define results as children who contribute generally cheerfully to the well being of family and who themselves are thriving). That being said, I also saw over time how the additional benefit of using conflict with kids to really teach them to be problem solvers greatly helped them in other areas of their lives–especially academics. Positive Parenting is all about holding limits–the socks ARE going to get folded. It just uses a different approach–one that in the long run produces a child who comes to school in touch with his emotions, ready to offer solutions for how to get everyone’s needs met and how to get things done. That is a student ready take advantage of everything I have to teach. From the parent, of course, it requires an enormous amount of patience, deep breathing and allowing the time for the child to come round with just a little prodding from you.
Thanks, Elizabeth!
Chweet, like Elizabeth said, there are many different ways to go about parenting a child… and yes, there are times when positive parenting has not worked for me the way I had hoped… but I can tell you, at least from my personal experience, that if you stick with it the results are pretty awesome. And you can get a child to do things by simply talking things out (sometimes, you don’t even have to talk, and they still do it simply because that’s the expectation).
Good luck with whatever approach you choose to raise you kids… this is not a post about mom bashing… in fact the goal was to figure out ways to co-exist in spite of different approaches!
I have a scenario for you that just happened yesterday since my husband and I seem to not even be reading the same book, much less are we on the same page of parenting. He was needing to pick up teen daughter after school then told me he was stopping to have a quick beer with an old friend spontaneously in town. I asked him to forego the beer but he refused and said it would be quick and he would pick up. This turned in to a huge argument via texting and I called him irresponsible and a bad example for a teen soon to be driving. He disagreed claiming it was only one beer. Not seeing my point, even so I explained it on various levels of comprehension he still insisted having a beer and picking up child was acceptable parenting. Was I overreacting? Needless to say, I changed my day as I always do and ended up picking up said child.
Great article, and some really helpful points. I feel like I want to add though, that allowing an angry person to always take the lead (while hopefully preventing parental fights), does not necessarily provide a good example for the kids. I think it would definitely be a case-by-case basis. If the ‘positive parent’ was effectively nitpicking a minor event, and the other parent was on the whole an effective parent, then yes, let them take the lead. But if the ‘non-positive’ parent is regularly angry, yelling at the kids, and making life miserable, then a different approach would be required. The kids need to feel safe and loved. In some instances, a diplomatic way to help the kids do what is required (using positive parenting), but without arguing with the other parent could work. Then later talk to the other parent about what they think went well, and didn’t go well, and whether they are open to other approaches. If they were not at all open, and continued to be angry, negative, and not creating a good relationship with the children, then you’d need to consider whether the kids were benefitting from that relationship at all. In all honesty, coming from a broken home myself, with parents who used to argue/fight all the time, I think it is better to feel like you had at least one parent who had your back, than to feel like both were against you. Kids need to feel understood. If you can have a connected relationship with your kids, and maintain some kind of harmony with your spouse, that would be a good outcome. If, in spite of trying, the marital relationship turns to custard, at least you know you can maintain that wonderful relationship with your kids.
I would tend to agree with this. Always follow the other’s lead is not a great idea and a great example for the children, who may see you as a carpet to walk on, and loose respect. I would maybe amend the advice to choosing one’s battles.
I agree. I think my husband is a narcissi and while I try to understand him i can’t.
No matter what I do I can’t seem to come to the same parenting style as my wife. She literally drives me mad and it puts a strain on our marriage. The latest example is we were both at our daughters sporting event but we drove separately. I got home before her and when I heard her pull up I went outside to help her get the kids out of the car. I see my son wearing my daughters jacket and she is wearing a T-shirt. Mind you it’s the middle of winter in the middle of February and the temperature was around 32 degrees.
I asked my daughter why she wasn’t wearing her jacket and why her brother was wearing her coat? She said that mommy told her she didn’t have to and that her brother wanted to wear hers bc she was hot.
I lost it. I can’t understand why my wife doesn’t insist that our daughter wears a jacket during the middle of winter in the north east. I was flabbergasted I confronted my wife she got offensive and then I brought on the verbal assault. As I sit here writing this I am still fuming.
My wife would rather take the non confrontational route with our kids then being strict and doing what she should do. Be a parent first and then their friend. She’s got it completely flipped and has told me numerous times that she does what she does because it’s easier for her.
Is there any way to Find common ground??? We were having such a great day we went out to lunch etc we were spending time as a family after a long hectic day and now the end of the day turns into a debacle because of my wife’s lack of parenting.
I can’t turn my head and look the other way when it means the health and possible welfare of my children are at risk. Now I truly don’t think my wife intentionally would do something to hurt my kids but am I the crazy one here? I think she needs to parent and stop worrying about how our kids feel.
Does anyone have any comments or suggestions I’m at my wits end.
John I can tell you that focusing on blame will get you nowhere. You talked a lot about how you felt your wife messed up but not much about how you might have reacted differently or maybe ways you could have handled the situation, even if you disagreed with your wife’s decision. It’s taken me a long time to understand that getting (and staying) furious alienates your kids and builds resentment up in your spouse. Anger can sometimes be a shield against uncomfortable emotion like fear of not being loved and/or of feeling vulnerable (for me it was a combination of how I was raised – yell first, ask questions later – and hiding my insecurities about being a parent). A verbal assault is not okay and nothing justifies it. I’ve done it enough times to know that you can’t take back what you said, not really, or how you said it, and it damages the fabric of the family more than any kid without a coat. And the thing is, you have choices that aren’t getting mad. You could have said directly and sincerely “It worries me that Daughter isn’t wearing her coat. It worries me that she will be hurt or get sick somehow and that you are letting her decide things like this for herself.” If your wife gets mad, you can just listen or you can tell her you need a moment to collect yourself. If you felt your pulse rising and temper growing and knew it was going to explode, you could have just gone inside without saying anything and calmed yourself down. It’s no else’s responsibility to do that, nor to stand there and take your anger. Other options: You disagreed with your wife’s decision but it doesn’t sound like you took time to listen before you got upset. Listening is hard but it gives you options. Maybe the older sibling was trying to demonstrate being nice and sharing her things with her brother, and your wife didn’t want to discourage her; maybe your wife was thinking the daughter would be better off experiencing “natural consequences” for not wearing her coat, like freezing her behind off, instead of being told repeatedly to do it; maybe of the million battles we try to deal with or fend off from kids every day, she didn’t feel like this one was worth it (and figured no one is going to die from 23 degree temperature unless they are naked and alone in the woods).
So I guess I’m saying that – my experience only – was that I had to think very hard about what I really wanted from my spouse and my kids, and how I was achieving that or undermining it. If I wanted a happy marriage where both people felt loved, how was yelling and verbally assaulting my spouse going to get me that? If I wanted to raise kids that were respectful and helpful, how was me belittling their parent or them, and making them feel afraid/cowed/resentful, going to make that happen? And overall it took some painful self-awareness to admit this stuff and try new ways. But I feel much freer now and happier because I trust myself more and have a stronger relationship with my kids and spouse. Try to dig a bit deeper, John, and maybe you’ll see another angle to this.
I think this works only if you both had similar childhoods. While both of us came from a situation of divorce, we see things very differently. VERY differently. My tactic is talking thru things. His is yelling and commanding—to the point where he can get very condescending. He always resorts to bullying someone to get his way—“What, I’m supposed to be happy they destroyed this???” I can not and will not support this. Sadly, my boys have pulled away, but what’s sadder is my husband doesn’t seem to care. Now that my boys are nearing and at college age, I’m a one-parent show. I’m doing all of the encouraging, giving advice on how to talk thru issues with teachers and bosses while my husband does none of this. It’s exhausting and extremely frustrating. Had he been the kind of person I can rationalize with, our relationship would most likely be different after almost 25 years together. Instead, he does his thing and we all do ours.
I read the article carefully twice. There are many flaws in it. What qualifies you to give this advice? You’re essentially stating it’s okay fir one parent usually dad to have an Illogical approach to parenting. You’re saying the other parent usually the mum has to take the compensate for this, take responsibility and suck it up. Does it occur to you this is a bad example to set the kids? They will grow up thinking this is how adult heterosexual relationships work. Also you need to stop and think how much other responsibility the mum carries such as shopping, dinner prep, school stuff, bill paying and more. Meawhile the dad absents himself from household duties and the little he does do e.g. Empties dustbins once a week he will act as if he’s “done a favour”, require constant reminders, and demand lots of praise. That in itself presents emotional work for the mum. It’s not as if she if she gets thanks and needs reminding to do the zillion other jobs she does. The mum clearly has more then enough to do and articles like yours suggests she does even more work. You put the onus on the mum to change never the dad. This inequalities of genders in the household will never change unless attitudes like yours do. Women divorce over things like this. Shame on you.
Couldn’t agree more with this reply. My husband is constantly trying to shortcut routines with our 6 year old. Which usually turns into crying and yelling to the point where I’ll have to intervene and calm the situation. This will then lead to him grumbling and claiming that I’m undermining his authority and the reason that she only listens to me. Or I try to walk away and try to ignore it but can tell it’s causing distress to my daughter and unnecessarily anger in my husband. Taking his lead feels like a waste of time when I know another approach WILL work. I try to calmly give him the tools but he says that it’s unfair that I’m blaming him for her not listening. How on earth does me submitting to his failing approach suddenly cause peace and harmony in the house. And what a sad example to set for my daughter..,
Woah Mikva, you can choose whether this is a good fit for you. If its not that is ok. Im sure there are lots of opinions on the subject,and like Jennifer said there are many different ways to parent and that is OK too.
What if spouse is Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde? How do you follow their lead when in one moment they are your child’s “friend” and the next their worst enemy? If my husband was all one way or another that would be one thing, but I feel his volatile and inconsistent parenting style has caused a toxic environment in our home. Yes I am blaming. No, it doesn’t do any good, but so far after many years of trying to “model” positive parenting, that doesn’t seem to be making a dent either. Any advice?
Here is my situation. My husband and I adopted a 4 year old daughter after 16 years of marriage. Everything has been good. Until our daughter turned 12. I honestly have no idea what happened. We are 2 different people and our style are very different. He comes home all he does is either to go outside, she is the only child, a bit boring for her to go out outside and play by herself in the middle of COVID. When I say why don’t you go out with her and play. He gives a look I said something wrong? He’s constantly giving her orders, FOLD ALL the clothes. She does her own clothes and it’s my believe that takes responsibility for her own things. He wants her to do his clothes. I don’t agree. He calls that team work! Seriously! So she should do his because ?? He’s watching TV??? He’s constantly asking to clean and when she does he never never never tells her good job and leave it alone move on. IT’s rare if he says good job if he does he adds a negative. “You did a good job but…” Always finds something to complain about. If she doesn’t do as he tell her to do He won’t speak to her. There are times that he doesn’t speak to her for 2 weeks! How can anyone do anything like that and be ok. My daughter is in therapy for self esteem and we (She and I) have done so much work. We are on good place. I find that her dad is a trigger to her (and me). I have tried talking to him and nothing, shuts down and does not speak. I have asked him to join her in a therapy session he says no. It’s a constant battle! He feels I baby her and don’t have his back. I can’t have his back. Taking his lead is not the way for me. There has to be a different way. How do you talk to a partner does not care of what i have to say or even make slight changes. This is not how he was raised! His mom was very very good to him. He is the opposite of her and try to understand where he is coming from and don’t get it. If this continues I have to go, this is not a good environment for her nor me. At this point he doesn’t even speak to us.
He doesnt see any issue in his behavior, dont expect him to change. If you already feel like you want out then do it now. I was afraid and waited 10 years to finally get the nerve to make a change just this year. My kids 13/17 repeatedly tell me they wish I had done it years ago. If a child needs therapy due to a parent, and that parent refuses to adjust, then the toxicity will only continue to cause damage. Esp for a daughter and father…it sets the tone for all her future relationships.
Best wishes to you, I hope you find strength and support for your future!
I think it is problematic to tell people that “the lenient one needs to follow the stricter one” and it belies research. Authoritarian parents has been documented to damage self esteem and lead to depression, lower academic and social performance as an adult and much else. This isn’t about the short term peace in our homes. This is about raising competent and confident adults. Yelling, belittling, making mountains out of molecules and generally showing anger in the face of conflict are horrible lessons for kids. I disagree parents can’t change. The positive parent can share the positive research on that style of parenting, and send articles and share strategies with the strict parent. How can you tell people just to go along with behavior they disagree with? I find it really disturbing. I struggle with many of the same issues and I won’t give up trying to work with my husband to be more calm and respectful with my child because that’s what my child deserves. It takes effort and patience on my part but I would never just give up and basically appease him just so we wouldn’t fight. There are other options like communicating, taking a parenting class, seeking counseling etc! We owe it to our children to not simply give up and concede something we believe in. Would we want them to do that?