Blog - A Fine Parent

20 Good Character Traits That Will Help Your Kids Grow Up to Be Happy, Successful and Loved By All

by Vibha Sharma.
(This article is part of the Building Character series. Get free article updates here.)

Have you ever had to deal with complaints from your child’s teacher about his unacceptable behavior in school? Or had to explain to her that your sweet little one has many good character traits and is usually not abusive?

If you have, you surely know how it feels.

If not, let me tell you — it’s NOT a walk in the park. As a matter of fact, it is heart breaking and fills you with a gut wrenching sadness that makes you wonder where you could have gone wrong on your parenting journey.

It was dispersal time. I had gone to pick my son from school. His teacher stopped me to tell me that Jay somehow had managed to get into a scuffle with his friends and ended up beating one of the boys black and blue. She gave me a firm warning about Jay’s unacceptable behavior letting him off fairly lightly just this time as this was his first episode.

I left her assured with promises to talk to him about it.

I was reeling. Seriously, did he (could he?) really do that? And why???

Well… It took me quite some time, through his sobs and anger, to sweet-talk a few sentences out of him. When I heard them though, they staggered me.

Suddenly, it was my turn to choke, with emotion.
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What Is Grit, Why Kids Need It, and How You Can Foster It

by Jenny Williams.
(This article is part of the Building Character series. Get free article updates here.)

You’ve probably heard the word grit mentioned several times in the recent years in the context of raising kids who go on to fulfill their potential.

While the word grit may conjure images of Rocky Balboa or Dirty Harry, in the past decade or so it has taken on a whole new meaning that has stolen the attention of parents and educators alike.

That’s because according to University of Pennsylvania psychologist and MacArthur ‘genius’ Angela Duckworth, grit, defined as a child’s “perseverance and passion for long-term goals,” is a better indicator of future earnings and happiness than either IQ or talent.

Today’s mounting research on grit suggests that your child’s ability to work hard, endure struggle, fail, and try again may be the key to determining his or her long-term success and happiness.

So, What Is Grit and Why Does it Matter?

When we are in pursuit of a lofty goal, we don’t know when or even whether we will succeed. Until we do.

Grit is a distinct combination of passion, resilience, determination, and focus that allows a person to maintain the discipline and optimism to persevere in their goals even in the face of discomfort, rejection, and a lack of visible progress for years, or even decades.

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Through extensive research, Angela Duckworth and her team have proven that the common denominator among spelling bee finalists, successful West Point cadets, salespeople and teachers who not only stick with, but improve in their performance, is grit.

And according to study after study, people who are smart, talented, kind, curious, and come from stable, loving homes, generally don’t succeed if they don’t know how to work hard, remain committed to their goals, and persevere through struggles and failure.

Can We Foster Grit in Children and How?

As word of Duckworth’s research has spread, grit has become a hot topic in education and parenting circles, and supporters want to know how to build grit in children. Although Duckworth herself says she doesn’t know definitively how to increase grit in young people, she is hopeful it can be taught, and she and her team are working with researchers and schools across the country to find out how.

In 2004 and 2006, Duckworth and a team of researchers tested the grit and self-control of several thousand incoming West Point cadets before their first summer at school. The summer program, known as “Beast Barracks,” is designed to push cadets to their mental and emotional limits, so much so that about 1 in 20 cadets drops out.

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50 Things You Can Do To Make Your Kids Street Smart

by Chonce Maddox.
(This article is part of the Emotional Intelligence series. Get free article updates here.)

Are your children equipped to manage and make decisions when you aren’t present?

When my son was 4 years old, we had a small fire in the kitchen, and I wondered the same thing.

I was at home with him of course, but when his dad was busy trying to put the fire out and I was anxiously attempting to remove my son from the house, my son froze and didn’t know what to do.

At first, he ran back to his room to turn the television off!

Then he just looked confused and scared when I asked him repeatedly to put his coat and shoes on and step outside.

When I finally got him outside and to safety, we put the fire out and I suddenly felt like a horrible parent. We never even practiced fire drills at home, I thought to myself. If we had, maybe he would’ve known not to run back into his room and turn things off; he would have just ran for the door, I chastised myself.

But I don’t think we’re very different from other parents. Like most parents I know, I spent most of my time helping my preschooler learn the alphabet and how to spell his name. On a good day when everything was fine, practicing fire drills at home doesn’t normally cross your mind.

Yet, teaching them some of these “other” things is important.

As parents, we won’t be by our child’s side 24/7 – so, it is is crucial that we teach them how to be street smart. It’s just as important to teach them how to behave and interact with the world around them as it is to teach them how to excel academically.

Why Making Kids Street Smart is a Smart Choice for Parents

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10 “Behavioral Issues” That Are Actually Good For Your Kids

by Viola Tan.
(This article is part of the Emotional Intelligence series. Get free article updates here.)

Kids are cute. But boy, can they press our buttons.

Aren’t you sometimes awed by how easily your little angels can push you to the edge?

I know I am!

51% of my time as a parent is filled with joy. The other 49% is spent managing my own internal turmoil from interacting with a growing, curious being learning her way to function in the world with nary a trace of concern for the havoc she wreaks in me.

So, it is with a smile on my face (and the mantra “this too shall pass” playing in a loop in my head) that I present to you this list of “behavioral issues” in children that have driven me mad as a mother and an ex-teacher… but I am learning to cope with, because of how instrumental they are in helping a child learn, grow and develop.

#1 Throwing Tantrums

“I want sweets now.”

I’m in the middle of cooking dinner. I’ve had a busy day. I’m tired. My spider senses are starting to tingle with the premonition that I’m going to be part of a train wreck. I muster up the last of my calm control and respond, “In this family, we only have sweets after dinner.”

The incessant demand for sweets soon turns to screaming that has me boiling like the soup I was brewing for the family.

Why do they behave like this?

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5 Easy Ways to Teach Kids Self-Control and Delayed Gratification

by Sarah Ramirez.
(This article is part of the Emotional Intelligence series. Get free article updates here.)

Let’s be honest: children sometimes suck at being patient.

I know mine do.

Unfortunately, their lack of patience and self-control can become contagious to us adults, too. I admit that I’m prone to snapping, “Just wait a minute!” when my kids are screaming because I take too long to cut their grapes.

And before I know it, it becomes this vicious cycle—my children’s impatience makes me impatient, which in turn makes them more impatient, until it spirals out of control.

I know I can’t indulge them when they whine instead of waiting quietly – like all parents, I do believe in teaching kids about self-control and delayed gratification.

But, the way I sometimes go about it isn’t quite right.

Instead of expecting 2- and 3-year-olds to magically acquire self-control skills overnight (that would be cool though, wouldn’t it?), I need to model and teach these skills to them.

Marshmallow Test: The Famous Study in Self-Control and Delayed Gratification

Psychologists have studied why some kids seem to excel at demonstrating self-control and delaying gratification, while others struggle for long time now. Have you heard of the famous “marshmallow test” conducted by Walter Mischel and a team of researchers at Stanford University in the late 1960’s and early 1970’s?

One by one, 4-year-old children were presented with a marshmallow and informed that they could either eat a marshmallow now, or wait 15 minutes and receive two marshmallows. Some children gobbled the marshmallow immediately, while others managed to wait the full 15 minutes and receive the reward of a second marshmallow.

[Note from Sumitha: Here is a video of the marshmallow test in action. It’s not from the original study, but captures the kids reactions sooooo well.]

The researchers continued to follow up with the children for the next several decades. They found that the 4-year-olds who had successfully waited for 15 minutes differed in significant ways from the children who couldn’t wait. Over the years, the children who had “passed” the marshmallow test developed the following characteristics:

better emotional coping skills
higher rates of educational attainment
higher SAT scores
lower BMI
lower divorce rates
lower rates of addiction

So, is the lesson that some people are born with better self-control, and that this trait determines their entire life trajectory?

Far from it.

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