“YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME!!!!” 

The scream echoes through the house. As does the slam of the bedroom door.

Have you been there?

It’s an all too familiar family scene. It’s after dinner, homework isn’t even close to being done, and a mild reminder about finishing up a book report has turned into WWIII.

My husband and I look at each other. I have steam coming out of my ears. He looks as if he’s witnessed a car crash.

“I just wish he’d listen to me!” I fume as we straighten the pictures on the walls sent rocking by the shockwaves.

Meanwhile, my son sulks in his room. “I just wish you guys would listen to me!” he vents.

But I AM listening!

Then again, am I really? 

While I was in grad school where I was getting my master’s degree in organization development, I learned that not all listening is created equal. As an organization development (OD) consultant, we practice something called “active listening” as a means to help clients analyze their issues and brainstorm solutions.

I never suspected it then, but I was also learning how to be a more effective parent.

Active listening is a way of fully hearing what the other person is saying. Not just assuming we know what they’re going to say after hearing the first two words and then spending the rest of the time they are talking preparing a perfect response. Instead, active listening focuses on dropping assumptions and working to understand the feelings, motives, and views of the other person.

We don’t quite realize it, but a lot of the time, we as parents, don’t listen actively at all.

How often have you just heard a few words from your kids and jumped in to correct them or offer solutions? How often have you lost patience while kids fumbled to put their complex thoughts and emotions into coherent sentences? How often do you just take a look at the situation and know what needs to be done, without even giving your kids a chance to explain?

Yeah, when I viewed my conversation with my son that evening through the lens of what my professor had told me about active listening, I was quite ashamed.

It was time to try something different.

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Aren’t you amazed at how seemingly random things can send our kids into a complete emotional meltdown?

It doesn’t matter whether the child is 4 or 14.

In the moments before a meltdown it’s the face scrunching that gives it away.

As body language goes it’s all out there, up front and very personal. A clear signal that your child is very sad and needs your help to cope with the rush of unbearable feelings.

But in the heat of the meltdown, emotions run high. For us parents too. So what’s the best way to cool down the situation without clamping down the emotions?

My four-year-old son became distraught last weekend because his big sister had a bag to carry to the park, and he didn’t.

His suffering was palpable. The emotions vivid on his face. His little body tense with distress.

It took a lot of self-control to suppress my own mounting discomfort at his obvious upset over something so trivial from a grown-up perspective. With effort I remained calm, held him close and loved him through the moment.

We found another bag.

He was fine.

And yet, he wasn’t.

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It’s there on your bucket list of great parenting – to raise a well-adjusted, successful child who will maximize his potential and flourish as an adult. 

But how do you do that? What experiences can you give your child now to help prepare him for a world that grows increasingly complex each day?

Schools push standardized tests and curricula based around STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering and Math) or Common Core, but future success is not just about best educational practices.

The latest research indicates that the more likely predictors of future success include not just cognitive learning factors but social and emotional learning tool, starting in preschool through post-secondary education.

In other words, it’s not just about IQ, But EQ – their Emotional Intelligence Quotient – as well.

But Really, What is Emotional Intelligence?

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