Your kids say “Please” and “Thank you.”

They are kind, considerate and caring (most of the time). They respect others by listening when they’re speaking, and they share and take turns (usually).

You’re feeling pretty capable at this Parenting thing, and the truth is, you’ve done well – considerably well.

And then, you have a play date, and not only you but also your friends and half the neighborhood learns your child’s one defining character flaw.

Don’t worry. You’re still a fine parent, and now, you’ve been given your newest task on this parenthood journey of yours.

Oh, that bloodcurdling scream? That’s just my son.

My son Kenny was six years old the day his legendary growl ripped through the conversation I was having with my friend. We looked up to see him chasing her son down the street.

Horrified, I jumped down from the tailgate and took off after the two boys.

Catching up with my son, I grabbed him around his waist with a tight grip, swung him into my body, and plopped us both safely down on the curb.

He howled while pushing and shoving against me until I thought the blood vessels in his forehead and neck would burst. But, after a few minutes, my tough little guy’s yells and frustration gave way to sobs, and it was over as quickly as it started.

His friend, running wide-eyed back to his parents, obviously wanted to go home, and for good reason.

It isn’t every day that your friend turns into a wild banshee and chases you down the street.

What’s up?

Pride – a deadly character flaw raising its ugly head, both in Kenny AND his friends. That’s what.

As the story surfaced, I learned Kenny’s friend and his friend’s older brother had made fun of him. I can’t remember what it was about, but it punctured Kenny’s pride, and he acted out his rage.

While Kenny’s pride was easy to pinpoint (and hear), his friends’ pride was sarcastic and defensive, which was subtler than Kenny’s, though far from saintly.

After Kenny had settled down, I asked if he was ready to apologize; he wasn’t.

Sadly, he didn’t apologize at all that day, and our friends left early without the boys resolving their issues. I knew that once Kenny began missing his friends, his heart would warm to the thought of apologizing, but I also knew that’d take longer than a day.

It did.

Before it was all over, Kenny’s friends argued, “But it was just a joke.” while Kenny argued, “They made fun of me!”

Pride’s gongs rang loud and clear.

As parents, we prioritize building character into our kids’ lives, so naturally, when we see a character flaw like this, it makes us cringe.

We wonder how many times do we have to repeat the same lesson before our kid gets it?

Of course, you know the answer to that already — as many times as it takes.

The 9 “Faces” of Pride and How to Respond

Once you begin digging, you will find that pride is usually at the foundation of many of your otherwise well-behaved child’s sudden and often unexpected lapses.

Though pride presents itself in many ways, I’ve listed the 9 most repeated ways pride reared its head in my son’s life over the past 7 years and how we responded.

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Did you know that one of the most important character traits we can teach our kids is personal accountability? But, how?

Accountability is a hard enough concept to explain to a child, never mind teaching them how to make it an integral part of their inner guidance system. If you feel like you are missing out on opportunities to teach this because you’re not sure where to start, you’re not alone. The task does seem daunting.

In my years of parenting, I’ve learnt (and in many cases, mastered) how to nurture and care for my kids. I have potty trained four kids (my kids are 6, 8, 24 and 27) successfully without bribing them with presents (except new underwear and tons of pride). I have spent a lot of time working on how I discipline, not yelling and shaping how I phrase things to avoid hurting their self-esteem. I have taught them the basics of good character – to say please and thank you; to be generous and kind; to maintain a level of humility, and to say they are sorry and fix things when they know they were wrong.

It’s time now to take on some of the more abstract but equally important concepts. Personal accountability is at the top of my list. There is no point after all in raising our kids to achieve great levels of success if they won’t hold themselves accountable to their actions.

Why is Teaching Personal Accountability Important?

Consider for example the Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski who stole more than $120 million dollars from company funds, gave himself bonuses of $80 million, which of course was not approved by the company directors, and still claimed innocence. Found guilty in 2002 and sentenced up to 25 years in prison, he maintained that he did nothing wrong.

Another colossal example of a lack of accountability is the BP oil spill in 2010, which dumped more than 180 million gallons of oil into the Gulf of Mexico. Their accountability had to be forced by a federal court that ruled the company was grossly negligent and that they were cutting corners to boost their profits. Though they were responsible for $58 billion in court fees, penalties and clean-up costs, it does not make up for the impact to our environment, all of the wildlife that was lost and the devastation to the livelihoods of fisherman in the Gulf.

I don’t want to be raising kids who go on to achieve great success, but do so with no regards to what is right or wrong. Personal accountability is an important trait in my opinion, and I wonder if we parents are doing enough to teach it.

Here’s the deal though. It is a rather abstract concept to teach. Also, personally, I myself am a work in progress. And because of that, the first step in my “mission accountability” was the hardest.

Ask Yourself Some Tough Questions

Say your son is arguing about cleaning up toys scattered all over the living room floor. He is tired. His face is red, eyes are welling up with the promise of fresh tears and there are signs that an emotional meltdown is imminent if you pursue. Do you hold your parental ground until the task is done?

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Have you ever found yourself drawn into deep negotiations with your child?

So deep that you temporarily forget you are the parent?

My daughter has a knack for reeling me in. At the tender age of seven she has already mastered the fine art of negotiation and seems destined for a career around the negotiating table at the UN. She’ll do well, I’m sure. Her persuasion skills are legendary.

Here’s a scene from my house just the other night.

My 4-year-old son is in the bath, all soap and steam. There is water everywhere. Toy action figures are littered across the floor, around the bathtub, on the shelf. And in the toilet.

It’s getting late. It’s school tomorrow. I’m starting to feel stressed.

Picking up the signals with her in-built precision radar, my daughter seizes her moment.

She has already won my heart this busy evening. She has bathed herself. Combed her hair. Fished new pajamas from her drawer. Carefully placed her dirty clothes in the laundry basket.

I was putty in her hands. And she knew it.

Ella: ‘Mom? Can I please just watch the end of my film while you see to Joe?’

Me, distracted: ‘No I don’t think so sweetie, it’s getting late.’

Uh-oh. I used the fateful word – ‘Think’. Why didn’t I just stop at ‘No’?!

Ella, sensing my indecision: ‘Pleease Mom, there are only 10 minutes left.’

From the bath, Joe launched a tiny Buzz Lightyear figure skyward. It connected with my left ear. He giggled.

Ella, persisting: ‘Mom? Can I?’

Me, rattled: ‘No, it’ll soon be bedtime and time to go upstairs.’

Uh-oh. I used the equally open-ended ‘Soon’. Very different from ‘Now’.

Ella, indignant: ‘But you’re not ready yet, and it’s not fair that Joe got to watch his programme earlier and I didn’t!’

Me, feeling bad: ‘By the time you’ve got it set up it will be too late.‘

Uh-oh. Now we’re negotiating. How did that happen?

Ella: ‘The disc is already in. So can I? Please? I promise I’ll come when you call.’

Joe, now feeling ignored, unleashed a mini-tsunami over the side of the bath.

Me, frazzled and soggy: ‘Okay, okay, but just 10 minutes, right?’

Uh-oh. I asked for her agreement. What was I thinking?!

Ella: ’20 minutes?’

Me, firmly beaten: ’15 and that really is it!’

Ella grinned and left the room. I saw to my dripping boy, only later finding the headspace to reflect on the fact that my girl had once again skillfully negotiated her way to the deal she wanted.

Part of me is proud of her tenacity. I have taught her how to focus on what she wants and given her the tools to reach for it.

But I’m also aware that there is a vast difference between innocent persuasion, and manipulation that leaves the other person feeling bad inside.

It’s not a giant leap from one to the other. And lately, I’ve seen my daughter flirt across that line on quite a few occasions.

So. I’m officially now on a mission to manage my daughter’s talent for negotiation. And I realize, with a degree of squirming discomfort, that this will involve changing some of my own behaviors too.

After all, our children learn by example.

I’m all too aware that my former career as a professional negotiator has probably influenced the way I’m bringing up my children more than I care to acknowledge.

I know I’m adept at negotiation. I know how to use it wisely. And most times I do. In Desperate Mom moments when I’m tense and tired though, I know I occasionally cross that line between persuasion and manipulation. I blatantly, and shamelessly, maneuver my children into behaving the way I need them to.

It works.

But it doesn’t feel good.

And worse, it shows them that ‘This is how you trample on others to get your own way!’

Not the message I want them to receive.

So, with a deep breath and a humble head here are my 5 top tips for nurturing responsible negotiation in your children. With a heavy dollop of personal mindfulness thrown in for good measure.

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