Who is your children’s worst critic?
Would it surprise you to know it’s probably your children themselves?
Often the most incriminating things that our children hear come from the negative self-talk inside their own heads. And we can’t protect them from what we don’t hear, can we?
As it turns out, we can.
The key to helping our children break out of this habit is to teach them to see it, to own it, and to banish it from their world.
Here is a very simple and effective formula for doing just that, called the SOFT process:
See those negative thoughts for what they are
Observe the caller ID of the thoughts in your head
Flip the negative to the positive
Throw those mean words away
Let’s take a look in more detail.
#1 See Those Negative Thoughts for What They Are
Your child’s outward expression of negative self-talk is a prime opportunity to help them recognize it.
It may be tempting to sweep in, awash with positivity. But while this is great modeling, it will initially only serve to make your child feel unheard and as if their feelings are wrong in some way.
Instead, when your child voices a thought such as ‘I can’t do it!’ or ‘I’m going to mess up!’ get down to their level. Play back their message to them and say:
‘I hear you. There are thoughts in your mind that are making you feel sad/angry/frustrated/bad …’
Then resist fixing and offering solutions in favor of suggesting an alternative view. A choice:
‘I wonder if there is something different we can do with those thoughts?’
The goal of this step is to simply help kids recognize that some thoughts, while perfectly normal, can cause frustration, sadness and a general “not good” feeling.
This recognition and ability to name it for what it is will set them on the path to being able to tame it eventually.
This leads nicely into our next step.
#2 Observe the Caller ID of the Thoughts in Your Head
Now that kids know what negative self-talk is, and can identify it in general, it is time to catch it when it occurs in their own head.
Our children can only manage negative self-talk if they can identify it in the first place, within themselves while it is happening. Learning this skill is not as tricky as you may think, because negative thoughts often have a familiar pattern.
Tamar Chansky, author of the super-helpful book Freeing Your Child from Negative Thinking has some stellar advice in this respect. The stand-out tip for me was about helping your child recognize the familiar ‘ring tone’ of their personal Mr. Negative.
Once they can do this, initially with lots of help from you, they are better prepared to answer the ‘call’ – either in a way that turns the message around to the positive, or to ignore it altogether.
Just yesterday I had the chance to do this with my 5-year-old son. He’s learning to read and gets terribly frustrated when the jumble of letters on the page don’t instantly link as words in his head. It’s like his brain shuts down and he needs help to see that and fight his way out:
Joe: I can’t do it Mommy, it’s too hard!
Me, first empathizing: Hmm, I can see our old buddy Mr. Can’t has come to play again and those thoughts are making you feel cross and upset. We need to deal with Mr. Can’t somehow. What do you think we could do?
Joe: Nothing! I can’t, I can’t, I can’t do it!
Me: You know, listening is a choice we all have. If Mr. Can’t is making you feel bad, we could choose not to listen to him.
Joe: You mean ignore him?
Me: Sure, and maybe we could transform those thoughts into something awesome and positive instead, like your robots do when they switch mode.
Joe: Pow! I’m stronger than you, Mr. Can’t!
Me: Great! Pow to Mr. Can’t … shall we try reading the words again and see if your awesome robot mode has worked?
And it had. And we read. And my little lad beamed with pride. (And I did a little too.)
The ‘Transformers’ analogy works for my son, but you can substitute any character, idea or story that your child views as positive. Once you’ve guided them through it a few times you will find your child tuning into it themselves whenever the Caller ID in their head is negative.
#3 Flip the Negative to the Positive
When the brain is wired to absorb negativity, its natural response to a compliment is to downplay it and negate it with a ‘Yes, but …’ statement:
KidPower author and primary care physician Abby Bleistein has a great example of this in action. Imagine a child who has just come off the ball field:
You say: ‘You had a great hit at bat today!’
They immediately counter with: ‘Yeah, but I dropped the ball in the outfield.’
Bleistein suggests we step in at this point and remind our child how to take in the kindness that is being offered. It’s a simple technique, but with repetition it can quickly become the new default for our child.
I have a name for it too – the power of positive thinking. Nothing new there, but I’m a big fan of reframing as a concept.
I use it so often with my children that they now frequently throw it back at me. When I fumbled a bottle and sent a tsunami of milk across the kitchen floor the other day my daughter responded to my mutterings of clumsiness by saying:
‘But Mom, it could have been worse – you caught it before the whole lot spilt. It was a great catch!’
And she was right, too.
#4 Throw those Mean Words Away
Negative self-talk is a choice. It may be a subconscious one until we realize what’s going on, but once we tune into it, the opportunity exists to kick it into touch.
Think of negative self-talk as a form of intense, personal, internal bullying.
It is possible to rewire the brain and erase these harmful messages. We need to teach our kids that harmful words and negative thoughts, whether they come from inside or from out, only have power when we choose to give it to them.
I recently came across this amazing video. It was created by a father out of love for his daughter who was being bullied at school about her weight. The messages it contains are so powerful:
Don’t listen to the haters
Love yourself
Be kind to yourself
and my personal favorite line:
Speak to yourself like somebody you love …
There you have it – the SOFT approach to breaking the negative self-talk habit.
But, like many other habits, while negative self-talk is mostly an “inside” job, it is heavily triggered by outside influence. As you help your child develop the ability to break this habit, it is time to look at any outside influence on your child that might be contributing to this habit as well.
Stage 2: Examining Outside Influence
Outside influence comes from two main sources – those outside our homes and those within.
There isn’t a whole lot we can do about the influences outside our homes. As our kids grow up, hopefully we have taught them to trust in themselves to see what’s good for them, so that they will learn to avoid toxic people.
What about those within the home, though?
As ever, with anything related to raising our kids right, it’s vital to turn the spotlight on ourselves to ensure that the messages we are conveying to our kids are not contributing to the challenges they face. There are two key things we can do where negative self-talk is concerned:
Watch What You Say About Yourself
As parents, we are our children’s most influential early role models. They look to us for how to think, act and behave. So naturally, if we engage in negative self-talk ourselves, they are likely to adopt that as their ‘norm’.
While I am a generally happy and optimistic soul with many strengths, I will cheerfully admit that I am rubbish at working out mechanical things. I’m cool with that, but what I hadn’t realized was the impact this was having on my daughter.
Last week she was losing a wrestling match with a screwdriver while trying to change her torch batteries. She cast them aside in frustration and said:
‘I’m rubbish at this stuff Mom, I must take after you!’
While I’ve never said anything about her ability working with mechanical things, those were still my words in her mouth. My heart ached for her. She is amazing and capable, and I want her to know that.
Time for a swift personal reminder that some of our words of self-awareness can be viewed by the little still-growing people around us as negative self-talk. And also, to challenge the instances of my own negative self-talk so I can coach my children from a more positive place.
Our kids are always watching. And learning from what they see. Let’s make their viewing a positive experience.
Watch What Your Say About Your Kids
Close at heel to what we say about ourselves without realizing, is what we say about our kids without conscious thought.
It’s staggeringly easy to fall into the trap of running our children down. When my son was a toddler, he would do that perfectly natural toddler thing of hiding behind my legs when someone came to the house, even someone he was familiar with.
When a little person is threatening to tug your pants down in public it can feel embarrassing. In exasperation I would say ‘Come on sweetheart, don’t be shy!’ or worse still I would occasionally mutter justification along the lines of ‘He does this all the time – he finds it hard meeting people!’
Neither of these phrases were intended to do harm in any way to my son – I’d sooner boil my head than knowingly inflict any hurt on him. But in very subtle ways I was implanting messages in his head:
I’m Shy. I don’t like meeting people.
This was brought home to me one day when he was three, and I told him we were off to a social gathering – a birthday party for one of his best friends. He cried. After some gentle probing he opened up:
‘I’ll be shy Mommy. Meeting people is scary for me.’
And just like that I realized how easy it is to wire our children’s brains in to negative patterns of self-talk. Cue buckets of Mom-guilt and a valuable lesson learned.
Managing negative self-talk is a core life skill that we can pass on to our children. Eleanor Roosevelt said, ‘No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.’ The sooner we clean up our own act, and help our children learn this truth, the stronger and happier they will be.
The 2-Minute Action Plan for Fine Parents
Take a moment to reflect on the following:
- How well do you manage your own negative self-talk? Are you being kind to yourself?
- How do you talk to your child? Some harmless teasing can be character building, but not it if leaves your child feeling bad about themselves.
- When your child expresses negative thoughts about themselves, how do you respond? Could you do it differently?
- Do you model the power of positive thinking for your child to copy?
The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents
Put the SOFT process into action whenever the opportunity arises:
See those negative thoughts for what they are – this is about recognizing and acknowledging what a negative thought is in general.
Observe the caller ID of the thoughts in your head – you cannot hide from the negative thoughts. They will always find you. So, confront them. In most cases the reality is far less scary than the imagined hurt.
Flip the negative to a positive – ‘Shy?’ flips to ‘Careful with my feelings’; ‘Lazy?’ flips to ‘Take my time with projects to be sure I do my best’; ‘No good at soccer?’ flips to ‘Awesome at crafts’.
Throw those mean words away – when you flip the negatives, you devalue them. They lose their power. And your child is again free to take back control and move on in a positive way.
And finally, don’t forget that what you say matters! Make sure you are not inadvertently contributing to the Negative Self-Talk habit.
Editor’s Note: Want more on this? Two of my favorite positive parenting writers, Casey O’Roarty and Nicole Schwarz, got together on a podcast to discuss this. It makes for some great listening as you drive, cook or do laundry 🙂 Check it out – Supporting Our Children’s Negative Self Talk
I like the ideas I read here, we do it sometimes without noticing that we are the most important source for positive or negative talking through our kids mind
Its worth keep trying to bring all the positive not to their life but to our selves either.
Thanks nermeen, and you’re right, we need to take care of how we talk to ourselves too. They watch, they listen, they learn, from everything we do and say! Self-care and love is such an important part of parenting!
It was a wonderful topic and very valuable tips as to how to effectively ‘negate’ negative self talk in our kids and ourselves also.
Building a child’s self esteem can be the greatest thing to be passed on to them.
Looking forward to more topics towards building parenting skills……..
Thank you Fouzia, happy to know it resonated with you 🙂 You’re absolutely spot on too – self-esteem is a the root of so many issues, anything we can do to boost it helps our kids to grow into strong, independent and happy people. Learning how to banish and flip the negative stuff (for them, and us!) is an important part of that.
This is super timely as my 7-year old has recently started saying “Why do I make so many bad decisions?” The example you provide in the article is great for a younger kiddo, but do you have advice on how to respond to a first grader? I don’t think the Mr. Negative will work so well with him. Thanks so much for your help!!!
Laura
Hi Laura, thanks for reading. I have an 8 year old so understand that the little-kid language may not be useful for you. Whatever age your child is, remember that it’s really about helping them identify and then relabel the Caller ID that is causing the troubling thoughts in their head, in a way that makes sense to them at their age and level of emotional development.
Older kids can start to recognise specific words and mark those IDs as ones that need attention. When my 8 year old is down on herself I’ll pick out the negative words and reflect them back to her (in your case ‘I can see you’re feeling BAD about your decisions just now …’) and while acknowledging that feeling as valid, encourage your child to flip that negative to a positive ‘How else could we think about what happened?’ – the fact he is making decisions at all and taking responsibility for them is a great thing. The outcomes may not always be what he intended or desired, but that’s okay, it’s how we learn. ‘Making decisions is a very responsible thing, whatever the outcome. You can choose how you feel about that. Bad because it didn’t work out, or proud because you stepped up to the plate in the first place.’
Hope that helps some?!
Love and strength to you and your son xx
Thank you! This is exactly what I needed!
Hi All,
I am a new mother to a 2 months old very healthy,strong and beautiful girl.
I found this site very helpful on my way to raise my daughter in a scientific way as I am surrounded with very superstitious minded people.
I hope you can help me on this journey.
Thanks for stopping by Leonor, I love this site and its community too. Parenting is a wonderful journey and one on which we are all learning, all the time. Enjoy your baby, and I hope the resources here can help you along the way whenever you need some inspiration. xx
“It may be tempting to sweep in, awash with positivity. But while this is great modeling, it will initially only serve to make your child feel unheard and as if their feelings are wrong in some way.”
Such a wonderful reminder. Sometimes we forget that children are just like us – they don’t want us to immediately step in and solve their problem. They just want us to hear them out. I’ve started telling myself what I tell my kids – think about how it would make the other person feel if they did it to you. If someone told me that “I’m awesome” immediately after I told them I’m feeling down, I would think they just didn’t understand how I was feeling, and it would make me feel even worse.
I’ve got to keep remembering to “respond, not react.” Even just labeling their feelings, like saying “you sound upset,” and then waiting for them to respond to the remark can help our kids feel heard.
I would be cautious of the “harmless teasing” though; sometimes what we view as harmless can have unintended very harmful consequences to our children (speaking from experience here; I’m still dealing with the awful effects of “harmless” teasing as a child – and I’m 34). Just because a child laughs with you when you tease them, doesn’t mean they are enjoying the game – children too can wear masks to “fit in” to their own families.
Awesome information as usual, Sumitha; your website is invaluable.
PS – Not sure why my quotation marks are backwards!
Hi Mariana, and thanks for your insightful comments. I, too, use the ‘Think how you would feel …’ line with my kids, but it’s so easy to forget to challenge myself with the same. So important though!
And I totally get your concerns regarding ‘harmless teasing’, and am sorry to hear you are still living with the effects of that, it can be such a challenging and hurtful thing.
It’s a fine line. I think my words come from seeing a close family member of mine struggling with a hyper-sensitivity to even the most inoffensive of comments. Their self-esteem is too fragile to cope.
There is a tightrope to be walked, I feel, that prepares our children for the inevitability they will be faced with negativity and how to deal with the feelings it evokes, and at the same time helping them to develop a resilience that helps them to minimise the impact it has on their lives. That can only come from experience, but you’re right – if the child isn’t yet in the right place to manage that it can be incredibly damaging.
Coping Tools (the SOFT approach) vs Self-Esteem and the ability to shrug things off – both are vital for our children to develop.
In retrospect I would perhaps modify my choice of words. Thank you for your honesty and openness. And hugs to you for your continuing journey of healing.
Thank you for your response. Yes, I agree that helping our children build resiliency is extremely important. Unfortunately, the teasing/bullying I endured as a child had the exact opposite effect – I’m having to learn to build thick skin now as an adult, and having difficulty with it, because those early childhood experiences totally broke my spirit. Those who teased me thought it was hillarious and all in good fun, but behind my laughter I was dying a little inside each time a song about me peeing the bed was sung; each time a perceived harmless “my little tractor” was said behind a smiling face as I bumped into yet another item, and was reminded that I was a clumsy child. There were other things going on as well, which made these seemingly non-issues into bigger ones.
So, in order to avoid repeating the cycle, I’m trying to teach my kids resiliency by example, whenever I’m able to conquer my own fears, and by working with them on problem solving, always emphasizing that when they make a mistake, it is a learning opportunity – they are never “bad/clumsy/thoughtless” kids; they simply made a poor choice, and they can use their smarts to solve any problem. It’s a hard road, but we are learning together.
We all have different kids and different ways of doing things, though, and what works for my family, I realize, may not work for others. I would just be cautious of assuming that well-intentioned teasing has positive effects – when children laugh at the teasing, they might be hiding thoughts of worthlessness behind that laughter, and it may have the opposite of the intended effect (just in my own experience). It all depends on the child’s personality too, of course, and an unconditionally loving parent is usually the best person to understand what works for their child.
Yours,
Mariana
Mariana, I’m so sorry you had to endure that. Your responses show me what a strong and brave soul you truly are to face down your past in your interactions with your children. If it helps, this is one Mama who will now be far more mindful of the potential effects of teasing, both in my own parenting world, and in my writing. I thank you for sharing.
Thank you Cally. Sharing these experiences was difficult, but I am touched to read your response, and to know that it may make a difference.
Thank you for listening to a different perspective. I admire your openness.
Yours,
Mariana
Thank you for sharing such practical advice. So often, we respond to our children’s negative talk by denying it. “What do you mean? You’re not bad at that.” or something along those lines. But that type of response usually just washes right off, or maybe even makes our kids feel worse, since they don’t feel we understand. I really like how you have set out a path for acknowledging the uncomfortable feelings, realizing that particular thoughts are driving those feelings, then changing the thinking pattern into a more productive one!
Thanks Amy, I know I’m often guilty of trying to soothe, when actually I just need to open my ears and eyes and be more constructive in my response – so easy to do! Glad the suggested approach strikes a chord with you 🙂
This is a great article. I recently read and wrote about the brain’s negativity bias — which is the idea that we pay more attention to “threats” than we do positive things. From an evolutionary perspective, this makes sense. When you add that in with the tendency of children to think of things as permanent or fixed — even emotions, I think it is natural for them to have some negative self-talk. Focusing on being specific — as you said — “yes you lost the game, but you had some good passes to your teammates and that is good teamwork,” helping our kids see things through a growth perspective and modeling positive thinking can go a long way to helping our kids develop patterns of thinking that are couched in self-kindness.
I told my 8 years son about the laws of the universe. One of them is if you think positively, the universe will give you positive energy to help you tackle the problems. Is this an appropriate approach?
When discussing frustrating situations like homework, a social situation, or a hobby, you can help your child to pinpoint where things feel difficult while recognizing where things are going well. This helps to show that the ENTIRE situation isn’t frustrating, but rather just a part of it. More importantly, it can start a conversation about separating your work from your self-worth. Solving chess problems is always a good idea to practice problem solving mindset. I can recommend a book, which contains a lot of different diagrams to practice how to play, which is perfectly suitable for the youngers and begginers – net-bossorg/chess-puzzles-for-kids-by-maksim-aksanov. Playing an entire game is too much of an effort for a small child. However, solving individual simple diagrams requires a small effort and brings a large dose of satisfaction.