Positive Parenting is NOT Permissive Parenting

Imagine this –

A three-year-old boy gets angry while playing a game with his friends and hits another child hard and pushes him down.

The mom comes and gives the aggressive child a hug and asks him politely not to hit his friends, and then returns to her table where she was sitting.

A few moments later, the child repeats the offense.

These are the kinds of scenarios dreamed up by those who say positive parenting doesn’t work.

At the heart of their disdain for positive parenting is the ill-conceived belief that positive parenting is permissive parenting.

They believe that positive parents fail to set boundaries, let children make and break the rules, and decline any discipline whatsoever.

And they think we try to solve every problem with a hug, are afraid of upsetting our snowflakes, and just want to be our child’s friend.

I’m sure you’ve heard this rhetoric before.

Let’s set the record straight and define what positive parenting really is and how it differs from permissive parenting.

First, it may be a good idea to discuss the three main parenting styles.

Authoritarian – This style combines low warmth and high control. It is characterized by frequent use of punishment, very limited flexibility, high expectations, and one-way communication from parent to child.  This type of parenting is associated with poor child outcomes, including rebelliousness, hostility, and antisocial behavior.

Permissive – Permissive parents exhibit lots of warmth and very little control. They are lax on rules and discipline. They are often loving but tend to allow their kids to sort things out for themselves and they do not lead well and are uncomfortable with setting limits. Research has found links between excessive indulgence and children’s decreased social competence, bossiness, low self-control, and failure to learn emotional control. 

Authoritative – This style displays both high warmth and high expectations. These parents are nurturing and kind but also set limits which they explain clearly and hold boundaries. They also engage in frequent communication with their children. This parenting style has the best child outcomes, raising kids with high levels of moral reasoning, prosocial behaviors, and good self-control.

Positive parenting falls in the authoritative category.

Let’s explore a few scenarios to show the types of responses you’d see from different parenting styles so you can see how positive parenting differs from the rest.

REGARDING LIMITS

Positive parents do set appropriate limits for their children. We must not shrug off our duties to keep our children safe and to provide boundaries that children need.

The difference with positive parenting is not the lack of limits, but the way in which limits are set and enforced. Positive parents set limits with a basic understanding of child development and enforce with kindness and firmness.

Now let’s look at these styles in action in a common parenting scenario.

Scenario

Your 18 month old is a little explorer and has mastered climbing the chair and then up onto the table.

Authoritarian parent’s reaction:

Sternly, “Do NOT climb up there again!” She is forcefully removed and sat in a time out chair in the corner.

Permissive parent’s reaction:

“Honey, I told you not to climb. Please get down.” No action is taken. “Honey, I asked you to get down. You might fall.” At this point, the permissive parent may take action to get the child down, but no limits are set.

Positive parent’s reaction:

The first time your child attempts to climb on the table, you intervene, saying “Climbing is fun! Let’s find a safe place for you to climb. This table is not safe.” Let her climb over some couch cushions, if she wants.

Climbing itself is not a misbehavior. The goal is to keep her safe and teach her what is appropriate. So the next time she heads for the table, immediately and gently take her from the table, repeating the above.

If she gets upset, acknowledge her upset. “I see you’re mad. You want to climb, but that isn’t safe. Let’s go play over here.” Redirect her to a new activity if needed.

The positive parent set the limit, stuck to the limit by not allowing the child to climb on the table, but showed the child an appropriate outlet and empathized with her feelings. This shows high warmth along with high expectations and limits.

REGARDING LEADERSHIP

Another misconception is that positive parents treat children like little adults and allow them too much freedom by not stepping into the leadership role in the relationship.

While children do deserve to be treated with the same respect and dignity afforded to older humans, we realize they do not have the brain of an adult. They depend on their parents for leadership and guidance. No child wants to be the leader, it’s too much responsibility for them.

Let’s take a look at another scenario showing how a positive parent shows leadership.

Scenario

You have a 5 year old and a 2 year old, and you have to go to the store to pick up a few items. Your 5 year old is begging for a new toy, and your 2 year old is late for his nap and is cranky.

Authoritarian parent’s reaction:

To the 5 year old: “I told you before we came that you couldn’t have a new toy. If you ask one more time, you’ll get it when we get home.” To the cranky 2 year old, “Will you stop whining? We’ll be leaving in just a minute. I can’t take you kids anywhere!”

Permissive parent’s reaction:

Buys both kids a new toy AND a sucker to appease them until the shopping is done.

Positive parent’s reaction:

To the 5 year old, “That is such a cool toy! I wish I could buy it for you. I see how much you want it. It’s disappointing when we can’t get something we want right away. I’ll add it to your wish list!” Empathize with his disappointment. We all get disappointed when we can’t get stuff we want.

To the 2 year old, “I know you’re tired. Will you be my helper? I’m looking for bananas. Do you see any bananas?” It’s also not a bad idea to carry things in your purse that you know your child likes. My own son loves to draw, so if I give him paper and a pencil anywhere, he’s happy.

The positive parent showed leadership by being prepared and skillfully using tools from the positive parenting toolkit.

Fantasizing with the child (“That is a cool toy, I wish I could buy it for you”), using empathy (“I see how much you want it. It’s disappointing when we can’t get something we want right away” and “I know you’re tired”) and distraction (“Will you be my helper? I’m looking for bananas”) are all great ways to show high warmth, while holding on to the expectations that you can go shopping with your kids without having to buy them something every single time.

REGARDING DISCIPLINE

In Positive Parenting, discipline means “to teach” not “to punish.” Therefore, we are always disciplining our children!

We are mindful that every interaction with them teaches them something and every interaction they see us have with others and that they have with others teaches them something. Children are always learning from their environment and caretakers, so the words and actions we use day in and day out matter.

Let’s look at the discipline styles of authoritarian, permissive, and positive parents.

Scenario

Your 2 year old has started hitting. At a play date, someone snatches her toy, and she whacks the snatcher with a right hand.

Authoritarian parent’s reaction:

Spanks the child, saying “You know better than to hit!”

Permissive parent’s reaction:

Ignores the hitting, blames the other child, or nonchalantly says, “We don’t hit” from across the room.

Positive parent’s reaction:

Goes to child immediately and removes her from the situation. Gets down on her level and says, “You’re mad! She took your toy and you got mad! Hitting hurts. Sit here with me until you’re feeling better.”

Have her remain on your lap or sit next to you. Empathize with her emotions and help her get regulated. When she is calm, tell her again that hitting hurts, and she may not hit. If you want to remain at the play date, watch closely and try to intervene before anything escalates to something physical. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure! Remain calm, empathize with what she is feeling, but be firm that hitting is unacceptable and take action immediately.

On that note, understanding basic brain development is important knowledge when raising little ones. It’s crucial to know what behavior is age appropriate so that you don’t have either too high or too low expectations and so that you understand your child. Knowing what is age appropriate doesn’t mean we say, “Oh, it’s normal, let him by with it.”

The reason why this knowledge is important is this: In the above scenario with the hitting 2 year old, if you are unaware of how the brain develops and that your child does not yet have access to higher brain functions that allow her to pause, reason, and use logic, then you might just assume your child is being “mean” or defiant. However, when you understand that this is age-appropriate behavior BECAUSE anger sends her into her lower brain functions of “fight or flight” then you can 1) empathize with her (which will help her brain develop better) and 2) guide her behavior until she is cognitively able to guide them herself.

To learn more about brain development, read Understanding Brain Development in Young Children and Brain Development in Children.

AS THEY GET OLDER

As our children grow and change, so must we; however, we continue to react similarly with older kids as well.

Scenario

Your teen stays out past the curfew.

Authoritarian parent’s reaction:

Rant and rave and ground the child from ALL enjoyable activities.

Permissive parent’s reaction:

Lament that the child never listens but takes no real action.

Positive parent’s reaction:

Have a conversation with the child to understand why they missed the curfew and come up with an agreement of what needs to be done in the future to avoid this situation (or, if a prior agreement exists, enforce it).

Positive parenting is not permissive parenting!

The 2-Minute Action Plan for Fine Parents

Most of us have fluid parenting styles. While we predominantly lean towards one or the other, depending on how rested or stressed we are, our response to any given situation may vary significantly. Take a couple of minutes now to look through the above examples and assess

• If you are well rested and not stressed, what would your response be?
• If you are in a hurry, would your response be the same or would it be different?
• What if you were in a public place and people were watching you?
• Do you respond differently to certain triggers compared to other situations?
• What was the way your parents would have responded in these situations? How would that have made you feel?

The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents

Get clear about your boundaries and your plan for enforcing them by writing down your Fine Parent Boundary Blueprint. Remember to keep your limit list short and age-appropriate, and focus on what’s really important to you at this time. It is helpful to write it down as getting clear on what you will do will help you clearly communicate it to your child and feel more empowered and capable when problems arise because you’re not grasping at punishments on the fly but have a well thought-out plan.

There are two ways to enforce your limits without the use of punishments, threats, bribes, and rewards: Time-in and problem-solving.

Time-in is a good tool for toddlers and preschoolers to learn emotional regulation and behavior management. It’s not a naughty corner but rather a calming space that you can join your child in.

Time-in has two phases. The first is calming the child so that he or she gets out of the “reactive brain” and can access the “thinking brain.” For a full explanation, read this. Calming can occur through hugs, drawing, reading, rocking, or whatever works for your child in that space.

The second phase occurs once the child is calm; this is the teaching phase. “Do you see Adam’s face? He looks sad that you pushed him down. How can you make him feel better? Do you think saying ‘I’m sorry’ will help or letting him play with your blocks? Okay, let’s try that.”

Problem-solving is a good tool for children over the age of 6 or 7. The purpose is to put the responsibility on the child to fix mistakes, repair relationships, and create a plan for better outcomes in the future. You can help the process along by asking such questions as “what caused you to behave this way,” “what was the outcome,” and “how can you fix this?” Allow the child to come up with as much of the solution as possible, and then ensure follow through.

Remember, positive parents are effective, gentle leaders who seek to understand their children and guide them to the fullest potential. Permissiveness does not respect the nature or development of children and is not considered positive parenting.