Can you imagine how simple life would be if your children just did what you asked of them, when you asked it?

Better yet, what if they would do things they are supposed to even before you had to ask them?

No argument.

No battle-of-wills.

Wouldn’t it be nice?

Before I discovered the joys of positive parenting, I wouldn’t have believed this was even possible.

Back then, I couldn’t even figure out how to get kids to listen to me, let alone get them to do what they were asked. Even simple requests for a specific action or a change of behavior from my kids could oh-so-easily escalate into monster power struggles.

And frankly, it was wearing me out.

Here are just four of many simple requests I can recall that got totally out of control – I’m sure they will sound familiar in various ways:

Me: Can you please bring your cup through to the kitchen?
My Daughter: In a minute Mom … (and she is lost in the TV program again)

Me:  Kicking your sister is not okay.
(Cue defiant stare and a sneaky swift kick to his sister’s ankle.)

Me: Time to clean up kids, could you please put the coloring things away?
My Daughter: Why should I? They’re not all mine!

Me: We don’t play with the knobs on the cooker, it’s dangerous.
(30 seconds later little fingers have fiddled again.)

Each time, my hackles rose, my inner power-switch flipped to ‘On’. I’m in charge here right? I would assert my authority (via a raised voice, angry stare, threats of time out, and so on).

And I would eventually ‘win’.

But when we were done and the tears had dried, I would feel wretched inside. And my weary brain would crave relief, and I would wonder – Is it bedtime yet?

It was a hollow victory.

My kids were sad. I was sad.

Sure, they jangle my nerves sometimes, but most of the time, they are fun, loving and amazing kids. I didn’t want to spend their entire childhood looking forward to bedtime. I wanted to spend time with them and enjoy it.

So I got to thinking – is there some other way to get them to listen to me and do as they are asked without all this stress and drama?

Thankfully, there is. And it works, too!

[Read more…]

What would you do to make your child happy?

Quite a lot, no doubt.

But are you doing too much?

I know I am.

Not just in material terms, but in running after them, too. And I see that it makes my children happy. But I also see that in other ways it is inhibiting their growth as individuals.

My son is a natural giver. My daughter, more of a taker. No problem in itself–the world has space for all types of personality. It works on balance.

But the more I give, the more she expects. She is starting to feel a sense of entitlement. I see this on some occasions when I do say ‘No’. She looks confused, affronted almost.

And that’s partially my fault. Nature and nurture are coming together here to create the perfect storm.

Of course, there are some things my children are absolutely entitled to – My unconditional love. Nurturing. Respect. Food. Clothes. Shelter. A safe and happy home.

They deserve all of these things and more. I want them to know that they matter. That their contribution to the world matters.

The tricky part is learning where to draw the line between giving enough and giving too much.

I want my children to understand that the things they are entitled to are merely the foundation of their world. That as they grow, they have a responsibility to themselves and to others to give as well as take from life.

If they grow up with a sense of entitlement, thinking the world owes them something, then I’m not doing my job well. I’m not preparing them to take their place in life as a responsible, caring individual. And I’m holding them back from being the strong, capable, independent adults they deserve to be.

The entitlement trap is easy to fall into – we all want to make our kids happy. But by making a few simple changes to the way we coach them to conduct themselves in the world can make all the difference and keep the sense of entitlement at bay.

[Read more…]

I never thought it would happen to me.

My children are sweet, and kind, and loving and gentle.

Except when they’re not.

And even that’s okay, because they’re kids, right? They are learning to manage emotions. I’m a thinking parent. I can hold their outbursts. I can be their emotional buffer. I have this down.

Except when I don’t.

‘I Hate You, Mom!’

These words hissed from the tender mouth of my 7-year-old daughter carved the breath right out of me.

WhereDidThatComeFrom?

And what terrible act on my part provoked such an outburst?

My insistence that shorts were not appropriate attire for the sub-zero temperatures of a December morning.

Really?

I’m working hard to be a positive parent. In that moment, I felt so betrayed!

Of course, the ‘I Hate you, Mom!’ had very little to do with the shorts thing.

I knew that. But boy, did it crush me anyway!

At the time I didn’t know what to do, or how best to respond. I can’t even remember now what I did. Let’s just say it wasn’t my finest moment.

I do recall being aware of the need to explore this idea further. So, I did some homework to prepare myself in case ‘I Hate You, Mom!’ came to play again.

Here’s what I’ve learned:

[Read more…]

“Mommy, why won’t Ed and Danny let me play with them?”

My son had tears in his eyes, the pain of rejection apparent in every little furrow on his brow, in every quiver of his bottom lip.

I narrowed my eyes, whipped out my ‘Cape-of-Protection’, assumed my superhero stance and was ready to step in. My heart was breaking for him – we all know the hurt of social exclusion. That sinking sensation of being left out. I desperately wanted to shield him from it.

Then I stopped.

And I reminded myself that I won’t be at his side every time he experiences rejection and social exclusion. My role as parent is to help prepare him for when it happens, not solve his problem for him.

I packed my Cape away, and put on my Thinking Cap.

Here’s what I came up with as an action plan…

[Read more…]

Who is your children’s worst critic?

Would it surprise you to know it’s probably your children themselves?

Often the most incriminating things that our children hear come from the negative self-talk inside their own heads. And we can’t protect them from what we don’t hear, can we?

As it turns out, we can.

The key to helping our children break out of this habit is to teach them to see it, to own it, and to banish it from their world.

Here is a very simple and effective formula for doing just that, called the SOFT process:

See those negative thoughts for what they are

Observe the caller ID of the thoughts in your head

Flip the negative to the positive

Throw those mean words away

Let’s take a look in more detail.

[Read more…]