Malinda Carlson, Author at A Fine Parent

How to Stop Your Kids Swearing “Experiments”

by Malinda Carlson.
(This article is part of the Positive Parenting FAQ series. Get free article updates here.)

(Caution: This article contains salty words)

“Bitch!”

The shock I feel when I hear my sweet little child swear never quite goes away.

Who said that? I think, still jolted off balance. Where did he learn that kind of language anyway?

In our case it was the tram: a treacherous place where my children are receiving their first exposure to the Real World.

In our urban Swiss life-style, our ride to school comes complete with teenagers making their way to the English language high school. It makes me cringe every time I hear a high schooler drop some “colorful metaphors” (as the late, great Leonard Nimoy called them in Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home). I always look at my children to see if they are listening.

And, of course, they always are.

Swearing. Curses. Profanities. Obscenities. Vulgarities. Expletives. Everyone uses them at some point. Some people have perfected the art of speaking complete sentences made entirely out of expletives. Comedians thrive on the titillation they create with salty language. For example, George Carlin’s most popular routine was his Seven Words You Can’t Say on TV.

Our society is fascinated with swearing. From explicit lyric labels to FCC regulations, it seems we spend a great deal of energy thinking about colorful language.

Is swearing ever okay though?

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How to Offer Positive Encouragement (Sorry, “Good Job!” Doesn’t Cut It)

by Malinda Carlson.
(This article is part of the Positive Parenting FAQ series. Get free article updates here.)

Don’t you just hate it when you try to offer positive encouragement to your child but it falls completely flat?

It happened to me just this week. My oldest came home and proudly showed me the ‘A’ he got on his biography of Lord Admiral Nelson. I was so impressed that I immediately said, “Good Job!”

He looked at me expectantly for a few more seconds. And then his face fell.

“Ugh. That’s what you always say!” he said and he snatched his paper out of my hands, obviously disappointed.

“But,” I stammered, “I really think you did a great job!”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” he muttered as he walked away dejected.

I felt like the carpet had been pulled out from under my feet. Here I was thinking that I’d been encouraging my son. Apparently though, “good job” wasn’t the way to go.

This is not the case in just our house. Research has shown consistently that generic praise like “good job” may actually do more harm than good.

There is even research which suggests praising children on how they did can cause your child to instinctively reject the praise or, even worse yet, deliberately do the opposite. If they don’t believe they did a good job having you say “good job” means nothing. Children result in feeling manipulated to perform and they will rebel against the manipulation.

Too much “good job” praise from parents can also cause children to lose their internal motivation. They achieve only to receive approval from you and not because they are interested in what they are learning or feel good about succeeding. This creates adults who are unable to find satisfaction because they don’t have practice in feeling what makes them satisfied.

So, if we are to avoid blanket praise like “good job”, what can we say instead that will show our kids we really are proud of them and impressed by their achievement? How can we offer our kids positive encouragement?

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How to Fix Things After a Shouting Match With Kids

by Malinda Carlson.
(This article is part of the Positive Parenting FAQ series. Get free article updates here.)

In my house 90% of all arguments start with a “Can I?” followed up with a “No.”

Then CRACK! We’re off to the shouting matches.

Here’s a recent shout-a-thon.

“Can I have a PS4?”

“No.”

“But why can’t I have a PS4?? Alex has one! And so does Miles!”

“But you are not going to have one. You don’t need one!”

“But they have Star Front Battle Wars! I love that game!”

“I said NO!”

“But I WANT it! And I am GOING to get it!”

“You. Are. Not! Now, you listen to me, young man! There is no way, on this green earth, that I am going to buy you a PS4!!”

“YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!”

“GAAAAHHHHH!!!!”

Did all that shouting solve anything? Nope. Am I proud of myself? Not in the slightest. In fact, as soon as I calm down I feel awful. I shouted at my child! I’m not even sure why. I must be the worst parent ever!

Sound familiar?

I’ll let you in on a little secret …

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20 Easy Ways To Have Your Family Eating Healthier in No Time

by Malinda Carlson.
(This article is part of the Healthy Families series. Get free article updates here.)

“Salad is my favorite” said no child ever. (Or most grownups for that matter!)

Don’t most of us wish that were the case, though?

Don’t you wish our cravings are for avocado or watermelon instead of candies and sugary treats?

That we wouldn’t be scraping creamed spinach from dinner plates into the trash can, again?

When I was pregnant I had fantasies about how perfectly I would parent. I would be like June Cleaver or Donna Reed. Hair perfectly coifed, house spotless, skirt swishing as I presented perfectly balanced meals to my family who would look up at me joyfully and say, “Boy, I sure do love your lasagna!”

In reality, my hair was in a ponytail, I was in yoga pants for the 23^rd day in a row, and I was close to tears begging my toddler to please, please, try just a tiny bit of broccoli. He, however, sat there with arms crossed and lips sealed as resolute as a pharaoh. He was NOT going to put that green stuff in his mouth.

Why do we put ourselves through this! Why is getting our families eating healthier so important?

Many of us already know that poor childhood diets can set the groundwork for many adult diseases such as osteoporosis, type 2 diabetes, and heart disease. But it can also affect kids in the classroom. A study by the NIH in 2008 showed that children who have unhealthy diets don’t experience the same levels of academic achievement as their classmates who do eat healthily.

It’s so important that the First Lady Michelle Obama has made improving the quality of school lunch her mission during her tenure in the White House. Celebrity chef Jamie Oliver started the Food Revolution and tried to get schools and communities all over the world to change how they feed children.

It took a while, and there were times I would have paid them $100 to eat a tomato, but over the years, we’ve made a lot of progress. Now my kids love fruits and vegetables. When they want a snack they grab carrots, celery, or an apple. My husband and I are eating healthier too.

Here are quick compendium of the 20 ways that I learned along the way to get my family to be healthy eaters.

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10 Warning Signs That You Might Be a Helicopter Parent (And How to Stop)

by Malinda Carlson.
(This article is part of the Be Positive series. Get free article updates here.)

Isn’t it amazing how you turn out to be exactly the kind of parent you swore you would never become?

Before I had kids I was pretty sure I wouldn’t ever be a hovering Helicopter Parent. After all, I had grown up running free on my family farm with my brother and cousins, coming home only for lunch and dinner.

But somewhere along the way the wires between trying to be a supportive, positive parent and a hovering, helicopter parent got crossed.

Before I knew it, I’d got a job at the pre-school my children attended just so I could keep an eye on them. My son’s teacher started to avoid me at school pick-up because I would “chat” and subtly ask for a progress report or suggestions about what else we could do at home to help him reach his full potential.

Heck, my helicoptering tendencies had sneaked into even the most mundane aspects of our everyday life. At one point, I had a 20 minute safety routine just so the kids could play in the yard. Complete with sunhats, sunscreen, locking the gates to the fenced (of course) backyard, and putting out three reflective cones into the cul-de-sac so cars would know to drive slowly lest one of the children figure out how to undo the lock and make a break for freedom.

And then I followed 2 feet behind them for the entire 15 minutes we were outdoors.

Sounds a bit familiar? Nobody sets out to be a helicopter parent. But, it kind of creeps on you, doesn’t it? Here are 10 more signs.

You Might Be a Helicopter Parent if…

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