We live in a world where sports and competitiveness are all around us and it often starts at a young age.

Think about your family: How much time is spent going to and from practices and games with your kid(s)? How much time do you spend watching or following sports and cheering on your favorite teams?

Though early sport involvement is usually about having fun and developing sport skills, it doesn’t take long for participation to become competitive (and time consuming).

If you head to your local park or sporting field on the weekend, you can likely find little kids (as young as 3 and 4) involved in team sports, with parents on the sideline cheering for their child and his or her team. Parents, coaches and kids cheer when goals are made and points are earned; high fives, hugs and congratulations are given to the winners and with good sportsmanship, hopefully there is respect for the “losers.”

Is all this competition at such an early age good for our kids? The jury is still out on this. And we’re not going to get to the bottom of that argument anytime soon.

In the meantime, though, competition continues to be a prevalent part of the fabric of our everyday lives.

What can we parents do?

For one, we can ensure that our response to it all does not unintentionally encourage a fixed mindset instead of a growth mindset.

What Do We Mean by “Fixed” and “Growth” Mindset?

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Don’t you just hate it when you try to offer positive encouragement to your child, but it falls completely flat?

It happened to me just this week. My oldest came home and proudly showed me the ‘A’ he got on his biography of Lord Admiral Nelson. I was so impressed that I immediately said, “Good Job!”

He looked at me expectantly for a few more seconds. And then his face fell.

“Ugh. That’s what you always say!” he said, and he snatched his paper out of my hands, obviously disappointed.

“But,” I stammered, “I really think you did a great job!”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” he muttered as he walked away dejected.

I felt like the carpet had been pulled out from under my feet. Here I was thinking that I’d been encouraging my son. Apparently though, “good job” wasn’t the way to go.

This is not the case in just our house. Research has shown consistently that generic praise like “good job” may actually do more harm than good.

There is even research which suggests praising children on how they did can cause your child to instinctively reject the praise or, even worse yet, deliberately do the opposite. If they don’t believe they did a good job, having you say “good job” means nothing. Children result in feeling manipulated to perform and they will rebel against the manipulation.

Too much “good job” praise from parents can also cause children to lose their internal motivation. They achieve only to receive approval from you and not because they are interested in what they are learning or feel good about succeeding. This creates adults who are unable to find satisfaction because they don’t have practice in feeling what makes them satisfied.

So, if we are to avoid blanket praise like “good job”, what can we say instead that will show our kids we really are proud of them and impressed by their achievement? How can we offer our kids positive encouragement?

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Here’s a question for you.

When you think of the character traits you want your child to have when they grow up, what are they?

Everyone is a little different, but most people want their children to be resilient, independent, and self-assured. We also want them to be compassionate, kind and caring, and a range of other things too.

But the important thing is that we want our children to grow up to be able to stand on their own two feet. To be able to bounce back after life throws them a curve ball, and to be confident in their own beliefs.

No one ever wants their kids to grow into compliant, obedient or submissive adults. Why would we?

And yet, we wish they’d be more compliant – and less defiant – when they’re young.

We want them to be obedient.

We want them to do as we ask and listen when we speak.

We don’t want them to fight back.

Ironic, isn’t it?

Here’s the thing though… I get it!

I am a mom, too. At the end of a busy day, when I am weary to my bones, all I want is a little cooperation from my kids. On those days, nothing sets me off quite like defiance. I want to either tame it down and gain back control or hide in a quiet corner and silently weep.

Is there a better option though?

Is there some way for me to deal with a defiant child without trying to break her spirit, or letting it grate on my nerves?

Here’s what I’ve found.

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