It was the beginning of the school year and my son was learning Algebra. It was not going well.

“Mom, I’m just no good at this!”

“Sure you are, honey. You just need to try harder.”

“But I’m never going to get it!”

We’ve all been right here. Our child is frustrated with homework and we want to help. Don’t you just wish you could say a magic word and make it better?

What if I told you there actually is a magic word?

Really. There is a magic word that is going to save us from disaster.

A small word.

Tiny.

In fact, it’s only 3 letters.

YET.

An adverb meaning: Up until the present or a specified or implied time.

YET. Such simple word, but oh-so magical. The power and magic of YET lies in the core of its’ meaning: Up until now. My son might not understand Algebra, but he will! He just hasn’t understood it up until now.

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Watching a child learn and grow is truly a pleasure. Each day, parents are delighted as their child discovers new experiences, develops new skills, and comes to understand more about the world around her.

During these precious early years, parents wish to do everything in their power to enhance their child’s learning and give her all she needs to be successful, both personally and academically.

Fortunately, there is good news for hopeful parents: intelligence is more malleable and dynamic than was previously thought, meaning that there’s a great deal parents can do to encourage their children to excel intellectually. Understanding the mind of your child, with all of its unique aptitudes, can unlock potential far beyond that which can be measured by IQ tests.

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You were hoping to get through this simple errand without any misbehavior from your strong-willed child, but—as usual—here you are again, in a public situation with a child who isn’t quite meeting your expectations for public behavior.

Now what?

From your experience, every time you try to correct your child’s behavior, it turns into an epic power struggle and you tend to find yourself on the losing end most of the time. And that’s the last thing you want right now, with all of these judgmental onlookers watching your every move.

When faced with the unique challenge of raising a strong-willed child, you may find yourself wondering what on earth you can even say to your child to help achieve your goal of improving that behavior, without turning the conversation into a seemingly never-ending battle of wills, with no real solution in sight.

You may frequently wonder: Why does a simple request such as, “Please stop that,” have to turn into such a battle? Can’t he just do what I’ve asked of him, like a child is supposed to do?

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I am the child of a violent, alcoholic father and a narcissistic mother.

At 13, I was sexually molested by a man I worked for.

By 17, I was on a fast train to an early death, barreling downhill to that place with all the fire and brimstone.

Furthermore, I was convinced I NEVER wanted children because I believed I’d be the worst possible parent. I went through years of therapy but still never trusted myself to have children.

But at age 30—well, you know what they say—things happen. I was recently divorced, pregnant, and terrified.

My plan was to put my child up for adoption for her own well-being, but when she was born, all that changed.

I made a 13th-hour decision to raise my own child. God knew what she was doing—that decision turned out to be my saving grace.

I was challenged by the idea of setting behavioral parameters for my daughter. My mother gave me a few old books on child-rearing; they had little relating to the world in the 1990s. There were no parenting classes where we lived; I was on my own. Neither of my parents was a good role model to follow. I decided to approach the issue logically.

I turned to the first book we used in therapy when I was 17, Born to Win by Muriel James, Ed.D., and Dorothy Jongeward, Ph.D. I’ve read this book at least 20 times over the years. I read it again when I brought my baby daughter home.

Born to Win is based on transactional analysis theory. The concepts are fundamental to understanding how to grow a healthy, happy child: the need for positive stroking; listening instead of lecturing; speaking from the “Adult” and understanding the “Child” (both in myself and my daughter); the effects of parenting, childhood, and child ego states; and how we become autonomous adults. Exercises show how communication patterns can influence desired outcomes.

The Chapter One epigraph contains these words by Galileo:

You cannot teach a man anything,
You can only help him discover it within himself.

These words embody what it takes to raise a child. I can lead by example, I can hope to influence choices, I can provide opportunities, but I cannot “create” a person. She will be who she will be, in spite of me.

The question I had to answer was: what part will I play, and how? The very thought process scared me, raising my fear of failure.

I needed a plan, so I set to work.

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It is hard to keep your confidence and self-esteem intact after suffering a major setback yourself.

But there is something harder—watching your child go through those soul-shattering feelings and feeling your own heart crumble to bits within your body.

We have all likely seen these things happen.

Seen our child locked up in a room because “everyone hates her!”

Or caught our child saying, “I so suck at this, what’s the point of even trying?”

Or seen them being insulted for just being themselves, and watch them go through stages of grief—confusion, denial, anger—and then the thing that no parent will want to see—acceptance.

Our older daughter had always had skin flare-ups due to eczema, mildly as a baby and more strongly as a toddler. However, at the age of seven, she suffered a sudden and extreme flare-up. Her skin became so flaky and patchy, it began to peel off in places.

We hopped from doctor to doctor hoping for a remedy, but this time it had come back with a vengeance. The restrictions on her diet kept piling up, her medicine dosage kept increasing—only to see her weakening.

Her sleep was fitful, her diet scattered. Her activity had already become restricted because of photo-sensitivity. She had to wear clothes that covered her rashes from exposure to the dust and sun. She had to be always slathered in layers and layers of creams and oils to soothe her skin, even if they could soothe her only a little.

Obviously, she went through tremendous physical distress. Yet, I was scared of something even more monstrous than this physical manifestation. I was terrified of her letting it become her identity, of letting it break her confidence, of letting it limit her mentally.

And then, one evening—my fear came true.

India still allows children to go out of their homes and play by themselves. One evening, she came home and said quietly, “N’s mother has forbidden her from playing with me because I have rashes.”

I waited in silence. I didn’t comfort her immediately—too scared that she might sense that I already expected it because it came too soon. She sat down, leaning against the wall, arms crossed, and chest heaving in anger.

And then, she bawled. Amidst the torrent of tears and snot, I heard what I feared the most: “Why me?”

Perhaps that was the moment she had begun to deeply identify with her setback.

Gradually, I noticed that she was reluctant to meet people. I would find her instinctively covering the back of her palms if someone even seemed to be coming closer. She would attempt to hide behind me at the supermarket.

She would examine herself in front of the mirror for long periods of time. She would kiss me repeatedly and ask to be kissed back. She refused to even see doctors.

My husband and I were already stressed with taking care of the physical hardship she was going through. We took turns at night to watch her—else she would scratch herself bloody within seconds.

Yet, we knew that it was absolutely crucial to smooth out those psychological knots that were forming in her. We decided to work on them very intentionally—one step at a time.

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