They’re watching you.
You can feel several sets of eyes on you – watching and waiting for your next move.
Your child has just started screaming and thrashing, and everyone around is wondering what will happen next.
You can feel the weight of their stares, judgment, and disapproval. Not to mention their almost morbid curiosity.
It’s every parent’s nightmare… a public tantrum. It’s embarrassing, awkward and humiliating.
Particularly if you don’t deal with it “right”.
But can you actually deal with tantrums in public the “right” way while keeping your positive parenting hat on? Or, better yet, can you prevent the whole thing from happening in the first place?
Well, yes, I believe you can.
You see, tantrums can be prevented before you even set foot outside the house. And even when tensions rise and a tantrum seems imminent, it can be nipped in the bud.
And if the worst happens, and your child launches into a full-throttle temper tantrum in public, there are empathetic and supportive ways of handling the situation.
Let’s take a closer look at how to deal with tantrums today, particularly the ones that happen in public with the spotlight squarely on you. Specifically, we’ll look at 3 stages — the way before, the just before, and the during of the dreaded public temper tantrum.
While Everything Is Cool
I have a confession to make.
My kids haven’t had a public tantrum yet.
They’ve had plenty at home, or in the car, but never in public so far.
I think it’s because I took a number of steps to prevent tantrums while we were out.
Here’s what’s worked for us –
1. Tell Them What’s Going On
Whenever I was out and about, and my kids could access toys – like at the Doctor’s office or the hairdresser or wherever – I told them the toys weren’t for keeps.
I also gave them notice that we’d be leaving in ten minutes, and reminded them at five minutes, so they knew what was happening.
I’d say something like, “These are great toys, aren’t they? You can play with them while we’re here but when we leave, we’ll have to leave them for other children to play with.” Or “We will be leaving in five minutes so wrap things up, sweetheart.”
Kids are like us, and they want to know what to expect. Unlike us, they need to be told every single time – even if they were at the same place last week.
It may seem repetitive and tedious, but not telling kids what’s going on is a sure-fire trigger for tantrums.
Which one would you take – tedious repetitions or awkward, embarrassing tantrums?
2. Be Prepared For Problems
I always have an emergency stash of stuff. By ‘stuff’ I mean food and entertainment.
Having emergency ‘stuff’ has helped prevent heaps of potential tantrums, particularly when I’m out of the house longer than I planned. Kids often have a meltdown when they’re tired, hungry or bored, so this emergency pack is crucial for preventing problems.
I’d pack things like muesli bars, small packs of biscuits or fruit bars for little kids.
OK, I’m not good at cleaning out my bag, and some days I’m in a hurry so I like to have things that just live there.
Entertainment wise, I’ve always had a little pad and some colored pens or pencils. Whenever I am in a discount store, I pick up stickers or other small toys I can squirrel away and bring out when I find myself stuck.
Yes, that does make the purse a little bulkier, but that’s a small price to pay for avoiding tantrums, don’t you think?
3. Set Expectations For Behavior
Before we’d leave the house, I’d have a chat with my kids about where we were going and what we should both expect.
This sets your expectations for the child. If they think they’re just going to the hairdressers, they can get cranky that they’re going other places later.
It also gives parents a chance to establish what they expect. So, I could say, “We’re going to the hairdresser, and then we’re going to the grocery store. While we’re at the grocery store, we might see toys. It’s fine to look at them but we won’t be buying toys today.”
It’s good to include the one or two most important rules, without bombarding your child. You can always give them any special rules along the way.
For example, some parents have an ‘if you get in the cart you stay in the cart’ rule. So, you might remind them of this when you’re on the way to the store.
When Temperatures Rise
You can prepare all you want, but things change, and contingencies arise.
Maybe we added another stop to the journey that we hadn’t anticipated, or things were taking longer than expected and the kids are bored of the boredom busters I’d packed in my purse.
Here are the simple things we’ve done to avert Epic Meltdowns:
1. Give Them A Little Attention
Sometimes all you need to do is stop for a moment and give your kids a little attention. You could say something like, “You’re bored with grocery shopping?” and then agree that it’s boring.
A quick hug also works wonders.
You can let them know you’re thinking of them by agreeing to do something they’d like next. Like stopping at the park before going home or reading their favorite book when you get home.
2. Get Them Involved
Another neat trick is to get kids involved in what you’re doing.
If you’re grocery shopping, turn it into a game. Maybe they get to take items from Mommy to Daddy, to put in the cart. Maybe they cross things off a list for you.
When they’re old enough, they can help you find things on the shelves. You can ask them, “Can you see the peanut butter we use at home?”
Or engage them in a game of “I Spy” or “Who can be the first one to find 10 things that start with the letter T?” or “20 Questions”.
An idle mind can get destructive. Getting them involved can help you get back quickly from the brink of a tantrum.
3. Keep Your Voice Calm And Low
When you notice your child starting to get worked up, make sure you keep your own voice calm, low and slow. Not patronizing but comforting.
This helps to keep yourself calm, and it’s soothing for your child. It might not stop them being irritable, but it will prevent them getting worse.
It will also let your child know that you’ve heard them. By changing the tone and pace of your voice, and making eye contact, you convey that you’ve actually heard what they said.
When They’re Too Hot To Handle
Okay, so preventing a tantrum is all well and good, but what happens if you find yourself in the middle of a full-blown tantrum?
Here are a few things to try:
1. Pretend You’re At Home
As much as possible, pretend you’re at home or, at least, alone.
Don’t let yourself get caught up in worrying about what people think. You’ll end up stressed, and no matter how hard you try to hide it, your child will pick up on that.
And get worse.
Ray Levy, Ph.D., a Dallas-based clinical psychologist and co-author of Try and Make Me! Simple Strategies That Turn Off the Tantrums and Create Cooperation says –
We know from studies that the only thing people judge is your reaction to the meltdown. If you look calm and like you’ve got it under control — yes, even though you’re not doing anything to stop the fit — they think, Now that’s a good mom.
In fact, research indicates that doing nothing can be the best way to handle a tantrum.
2. Relent At Your Peril
Whatever you do, don’t give in to what your child wants.
Why?
Because they’ll try it again next time. If a child gets their way by screaming once, then they’ll do it again. They may just scream louder and longer next time.
Positive parenting is not the same as permissive parenting. As a matter of fact, setting firm limits empathetically is one of the fundamental pillars of positive discipline.
If your kids are older, you could try to explain to them why their behavior is unacceptable in a calm and in-control voice.
With smaller children, there’s no point in trying to reason. Dr. B from Mommyshorts says, “Children do not begin to develop the reasoning skills necessary to understand simple rules or verbal explanations until around 3-years-old.”
If you have to, move them to a space where they’re not going to hurt anyone or get in the way.
It’s a good idea to tell them first by saying, “Take some deep breaths and calm down. If you can’t calm down, we’ll sit over there until you feel better.”
It’s not a naughty corner or a punishment. It’s a safe place to calm down, out of everyone’s way.
3. Deep Breathe For Two
Deep breathing can be calming, but how do you get a small child to stop howling and breathe?
Well, I tell my daughter to “think about your belly button”. The first time I did this she was so surprised she just stopped and look at her tummy. Then she really concentrated on her belly button.
This might seem crazy, but it’s based on a technique called centering, which is a powerful way of bringing balance and calm to stressful situations.
Another way to get kids to breathe deeply is to use Amanda Morgan’s birthday candle technique to get them to take a few deep breaths.
She pretends her thumb is a candle on top of her fist and says, “Oh, look at this! I have a candle. Do you think you could blow it out?”
As they blow, she wiggles her thumb like a candle and then closes her fist so the candle goes out. But then she pops it back up (with sound effects) and encourages them to take a deeper breath and try again.
With older kids, you could say, “We both are beginning to get worked up. Let’s calm down by taking 5 deep breaths. Let’s do it together…” and start breathing deeply yourself.
Keep Cool, Calm and Collected
Life is all about experimenting. Trying out what works and what doesn’t.
And kids are clever. So naturally they try all sorts of things. Including tantrums.
Our role is to help them figure out what works. And what doesn’t.
It’s one thing to have a six-year-old with a temper, but none of us want our kids to grow into a ball of fury.
So, if your child tries a public temper tantrum and you feel the weight of all those stares, don’t drown in embarrassment.
Instead, step into your starring role. Ignore the paparazzi, and keep cool, calm and collected.
And repeat these magic words to yourself:
“I am A Fine Parent! I can handle this!” 🙂
The 2-Minute Action Plan for Fine Parents
Take a moment to consider your child’s behavior.
- Do your kids have public tantrums often?
- If yes, do you see a pattern that can help you figure out why this might be happening?
- If no, what are you doing right, and what can you do more of?
- What behavior does your child exhibit when they’re getting fractious?
- How much do you tell your child – about where you’re going, and when you’ll leave?
- Do you think altering your communication will make a difference?
The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents
- Take the next few moments to take stock of your purse and car. Pack up a few items such as snacks, pencils and a small pad for unexpected situations.
- Make a list of boredom busters that will work with you kids. What games can you play while out and about? How can you involve them when you’re doing ‘boring’ things like shopping?
- Visualize your child having a public tantrum. Make a list of what you will do to come out a super positive parent. Visualizing the event now – while you’re calm – will leave you in a much better position to handle things in a high-stress situation if a public tantrum actually occurs.
- If your child is prone to temper tantrums, think about whether they’re ‘working’ for them. Do they get anything positive out of it (i.e. attention, or their own way). How can you increase the positive reinforcement they receive, so they’re less likely to use this strategy in the future?
For this week, this particular piece has just saved me from thinking there is something am not doing right in managing my 3 year old’s tantrums at home and in public. I just had one experience of a public tantrum just a day before I received this in my inbox. What I did was keep calm and looked on until she calmed down. But am glad to read about more options this week’s piece has offered me. Thanks to Positive Parents!
Mastula- Kampala, Uganda, East Africa
Hi Nakiboneka,
Well done, you! It’s always affirming to know you’ve taken the right action. And I’m glad you found a few options to help you in the future (hopefully you won’t need them). 🙂
Oh this blog is wonderfull… but my case is different. My son is 2.4 yrs old… the problem is, every time we go out for grocery he screams for soap…even at home he screams to let him wash his hands like 4 to 5 times wd a soap in a go… wt to do i really want him to leave this…i feel he is getting addicted 🙁 plz help
Hi Sana,
I’m glad you liked the piece, but I’m sorry it doesn’t offer you much help.
This sounds like quite a specific issue. You mention that you feel he’s getting addicted, so if you’re concerned about his behaviour I’d encourage you to seek professional help. I’m not saying there’s a problem – it’s really up to you to establish whether it’s starting to impact his ability to function normally, or whether it’s a phase.
You can also try finding out more about what’s going on (always hard with a 2.4-year-old, given their communication skills!). So saying, “You want soap?” and if he says “yes” say “Tell me more about that”.
Then you can say something like “Well, I’m concerned we’re not going to finish the shopping”, to which there may be more explanation or refusal, and then ask “Is there another way we can finish the shopping?”
I hope that helps. This is a script I use to help kids go from “No” to “Yes”. I’ve created a Cheat Sheet on the script, that you can download at: http://howtotrainyourchildren.com/agreement/ 🙂
Hi sana shahzaib!!
My son also used to do the same thing when he was 2-2.5 years. I told him that more u rub the soap u’ll get some hidden insects, gradually he left it after some time. This may be a phase, when your child will grow up ,he’ll engage himself in other activities and will change his this habit himself.
Interesting .. my son threw one tantrum .. ONE in all his young life. We were in the department store and he threw himself down on the floor and started kicking and screaming.. I calmly said “When you’re finished, I will be over there” and walked away. He was around 3 yrs old. Once I walked away all screaming stopped, I then played a 15 min game of find mama. By the time he found me he was crying and begging for me. I told him if he ever acted that way again I would leave him behind. Now naturally I would never do that BUT it got the point across and he must have shared with the 2 younger siblings because they never did it either. If they started acting up in public all I needed to quietly say was ” Would you like to take a trip to the restroom?” They knew if they went to the restroom it meant a spanking. PERIOD end of discussion. My children never acted up in public or restaurants because they knew what would happen, that mama didn’t take crap off of any of them. I didn’t care how tired, board or whiney they were. They were taught from the beginning that life is full of disappointments .. get used to it. I didn’t spend every outing prepping them about toys. I simply said NO. When I said it is time to go, clean up your mess they did it, or they ended up in the restroom. They were also taught “Logical Consequences” in other words, any action by them, good or bad had a consequence… make your choice, and then deal with the consequences. I treat my grandchildren the same way. I always kept things like Brain Teasers, or coloring books in my bag and a snack. But discipline must start at the very beginning or you will be paying for it the rest of your life. BTW… there were very few trips to the restroom for discipline.
Wow, poor kids. They weren’t just taught discipline, they were taught they weren’t important enough, that they didn’t deserve explanations and then were blackmailed to not express themselves unless they wanted to be left behind. Sad story…
Hi Cyan,
You’re right, and the other thing I’ve noticed is that kids will deal with each other the way parents deal with them.
Older siblings interact with their younger counterparts in exactly the same way that parents interact with them. They use the same tone of voice, similar phrases, and the same strategy.
Many parents wonder why they find their kids slapping each other, or reacting physically. They don’t realise that when they deal with their own anger and frustration by spanking, they’re teaching their kids that that is the way to deal with anger.
Positive parenting strategies are much more effective in the long term! 🙂
My daughter has never had a tantrum in her life, but I would rather deal with tantrums than maliciously hide from and terrify my own child who should be able to trust me.
Unfortunately, my mother hit me like you hit your kids because she didn’t know any better, but I’m blessed now that she sees how how well GENTLE discipline works and supports me. People back then just didn’t know. Now there’s no reason for hitting. I hope you do some research into the damage spanking does and support your children making better choices!
Hi June,
As someone who’s father was quick to dish out a swift smack, I can relate. My parents were frequently complimented on our behaviour, but I’d rather trade those compliments for a strong, close relationship with my child. 🙂
A child’s behaviour can certainly be controlled, and you’re right that kids learn quickly. Having a firm line and clear consequences are great ways to raise kids for the real world – because we have firm lines and clear consequences as adults. For example, I know what’s likely to happen if I speed or park where I shouldn’t.
Having said that, getting the outcome we want isn’t the only thing to consider. A few decades ago people used to think it was OK to put alcohol in a baby bottle, to encourage the baby to sleep through the night. While this may have had the desired result, the cost – and risks – were very high.
There is research that shows corporal punishment is effective in achieving immediate child compliance. However, Gershoff (2002), Smith et al. (2004) and others have argued that corporal punishment fails to teach a child self-control and inductive reasoning. In addition, Linke (2002) argued that corporal punishment teaches a child that problems can be addressed through physical aggression.
As someone who grew up petrified of a father too willing to deliver a firm spanking, I encourage you to utlise positive parenting strategies. They can help you get the results you desire, whilst also building a strong relationship – one that will last a lifetime. It’s not a soft or permissive option. It’s something that creates a win-win by regulating childhood behaviour, reducing the likelihood of teen rebellion, and ensuring close families ties for life.
Im sorry to hear you have used that way to bring up your kids with dicipline, they are more scared of you than look up to you or respect you. That is not positive parenting. I know there are more ways to rome but this is not the positive way to achieve well behaved children..
This was so helpful!!! Great read and I’ll be bookmarking it.
We are going through therapy to learn how to deal with our more demanding toddler and a lot of the techniques we are being taught include positive parenting.
We are very much against spanking and both husband and I were spanked as children and petrified of our fathers.
As the previous comments mentioned, we now know better!!
Hi Tashi,
I’m glad you liked the piece and are taking steps to learn some effective toddler-wrangling techniques! Toddlers can be tricky. The good news is that it gets easier. OK, the problems change, but I find it easier as they get older.
Keep your eyes on this site, as I know Sumitha has a bunch of fantastic articles coming up!
Hi With my second child who is almost 3 every other day I have face his tantrums outside his brothers school . I am so calm with my second kid as compare to my first I remember I was too embarrassed to take him out.
Hi Zarmina,
Well done! It’s amazing how a little calm can help isn’t it? When we get worried that we should do something to fix the problem – but we don’t know what – we inadvertently make it worse. But just staying calm and waiting can work wonders. 🙂
Hey Cate, thanks a lot! Especialy for a candel blowing technic.:) I have a 2.5 old strong will boy. He is not throwing tantrums a lot, but when he das, normaly i’ll sit down near and look at him with compation, or hug /caress him if he lets me, till he is calm down. Some time i come up with some brilliant ideas how to distract him, but more often – just sitting there with him. I never give him what he is crying for. But sometime i wish i could do more,l to calm him down, because he is so unhappy and suffer. Sorry for my grammer, not my first/second language:) Lucy
Hi Lucy,
I’m glad you found the article useful. It sounds like you’re a great mom, and I’m glad I could give you another tool to keep in your toolbox.
I know you want to do more when you little boy is upset, but just being there and being calm is a huge help to him. He knows he’s not driving you away with his behaviour and that you love him just the way he is. 🙂
Clueless as to how to handle your kid’s tantrums? Well, here’s how to maintain your cool in the midst of the tempest.
https://www.parentcircle.com/article/taming-the-tantrum/
Hi, this is a brilliant post and has given me a lot of ideas, techniques to use with my strong willed two year old. He has a very strong temper and is big for his age so picking him up and removing him from a situation is a struggle for me.
He had the mother of all tantrums in a public shopping centre today and I feel I could of done better in handling the situation. This has helps a lot but I wondered if you had any advice on my son running off during a tantrum?
He seems to get into a state of mind where there is no reasoning with him and he won’t allow me to hold him or cuddle him or even speak to him. Distraction doesn’t work and if I try to sit anywhere near him (obviously a must in public places) he will move away from me and even try to run off. The closer I get or the more I talk to him the more he screams. It starts off like a angry frustrated scream/cry then the more I try it turns into a helpless frightened cry like he’s scared of me!😢
It’s so upsetting it breaks my heart. I’ve never spanked him, in fact I’ve hardly ever shouted at him. I can’t understand why he would be that way. This goes on for over an hour and resorts to be attempting to get him into the pushchair (hardly ever achievable because of his strength) then rushing home with him screaming in such a helpless way. He even goes as far as to scream help! He picked it up after a episode of peppa pig he watched and has been his favourite word since but it’s not exactly something I want him shouting at the time of a tantrum, people look at me so badly. It’s not that I care what people think but more so that he feels helpless enough to shout that like he wants to get away from me.
This tantrums happen only probably once a month or so as I’ve realised it down to him being tired so avoid being anywhere but home at nap time but when they do it’s so hard to know what to do for the best.
Can you advise at all whether this is just a normal tantrum or something more? I just way to make him feel better. Any advice/ techniques would be greatly appreciated. Thanks
Kim could you please email me Nadia . Kerpan @ gmail . Com
If you can’t I wanted to tell you something. My 2 year old daughter started having “our of this world” tantrums a few weeks ago. Same exact like you described. Except she would also wake up at night for about 10 days in a row freaking out, yelling, yelling my husband to GO AWAY!!!! And screaming, for up to an hour, and we couldn’t do anything to stop her. Helping her made it even worse. We are a Christian family. We saw this as a spiritual thing, it was not a normal child irritation – it was something much more. She would randomly snap out of it and then calm down, and be super sweet and hugging us again. And this went on. We cut off all cartoons, thinking it had an impact on her. Well guess what after we prayed and she renounced the cartoons she watched she didn’t do it anymore for a few weeks – until yesterday I let my guard down and she was watching a few cartoons on my phone. Next thing I know she’s watching Peppa Pig. When I tried to take it away she was rude at me and said YOU STINK! And had those mean eyes like before….. and then ran away to another room with a small tantrum. Came back a few mins later and was smiling and acting normal again. Well just now (it’s 4am) she woke up around 3am screaming when I tried to take her to the bathroom she was once again doing the same thing, throwing her body in madness and screaming at me and my husband, we prayed with my husband and repented once again for letting our guard down and letting her watch those cartoons again. And we came to her and she repeated that she renounces that she watched Peppa Pig (that’s when I noticed that evil spirit [as I see it] was once again making a way into her soul) I know my daughter when she’s herself, but when it’s something in her that just makes it IMPOSSIBLE for me to even say a word to her… I know this may seem crazy but I have 4 kids. And I’ve never liked Peppa, even though it was fun to watch even for myself… but I noticed how my kids would become very rude and mean right after watching it. And my second son had very similar tantrums when he was 2/3 years old. Anyway after we prayed with her she calmed down right away again, and was sweet and nice and went back to sleep peacefully. I don’t know what to think but I am trying to put some puzzles together from all that has happened in the past few weeks. Please let me know if you yourself see any connection between the Peppa cartoons and the tantrums. I have a feeling that the producers of this cartoons have had a spell over it something, especially that it became so so popular from something so so simple and a bit mindless. May God bless you and heal your child and set him free from the tantrums. For us the name of Jesus has power and can breaks any of these negative spirits in your family if we ask God for forgiveness and help. Blessings to you, with love. – another Mom
Wow I cannot believe what I’m reading. How can people be so full of superstition at this day and age. Peppa Pig is just a bloody cartoon, not the creation of some evil spirits. Temper tantrums are normal at this age as children are going through a lot of development and they are trying to assert themselves as individuals and often push the boundaries. Their nervous system is still developing and they do not always know how to control their emotions. This is not unusual and there is nothing supernatuaral about this behaviour but I appreciate it is to deal with. Children certainly do not have mean eyes! Every child is different, they have different temperaments and just like adults cope with stress differently. I recommend investing in a good therapist and educate yourself.
Thank you for this article. I have a 4 year old who is very willful and stubborn and I find that when I do things like ‘take precautions’ or give 10/5 minute warning that we’re going, things usually run smoother. It’s a relief to see all these resources out there!
Wow I cannot believe what I’m reading. How can people be so full of superstition at this day and age. Peppa Pig is just a bloody cartoon, not the creation of some evil spirits. Temper tantrums are normal at this age as children are going through a lot of development and they are trying to assert themselves as individuals and often push the boundaries. Their nervous system is still developing and they do not always know how to control their emotions. This is not unusual and there is nothing supernatural about this behaviour but I appreciate it is hard to deal with. Children certainly do not have mean eyes! Every child is different, they have different temperaments and just like adults cope with stress differently. I recommend investing in a good therapist and educate yourself.
I know this was written three years ago but just pulled it up. I adopted my grandson at birth and he just turned three. I understand that corporal punishment is terrifying but a spank on the behind with a diaper on does not hurt a child and sometimes pulls them back into reality – that’s it not okay to throw things and it’s not okay to scream and cry in public when there’s nothing you can do to calm them down. If you take a look at my generation verses the generations raising children now there is a marked difference in how they handle life. Although there are many good parents and everyone has good intentions man of their children are totally out of control. There are no boundaries; there are no limits in public and, mostly what I have seen is power texting. I take my grandchild to play areas often; both inside and out. I witnessed several things there that were both irritating and sad. One mother sat on the sideslines of an indoor play area in a mall and watched her three-year-old climb up a wall. She said, “If you fall, I will laugh and laugh loud.” Instead of removing the child as many times as it took to keep her safe or remove her kicking and screaming she never moved; many times a bigger child would run into a younger child and the parents never moved. It made me sick at my stomach to see lazy parenting. From my perspective a child needs to know that yes, they have a voice and you will listen but if things get out of hand we need to have the upper hand. I don’t mean physically hurt them or scream at them but they need to know they are not in charge right now as we mold them into making good choices. Even then that, there are no guarantees. Calm is good. But letting a child have a tantrum in public without removing him with some sort of disciplinary action, not matter if the neurons are connected or not leads to the child thinking that it is okay to behave badly.
hi. Yes, one of the problems parents we face with our toddler is the tantrums, we try to do our best, but sometimes it is difficult, we must continue try with love and patience.
I understand that we are in other times, but this generation today is much more difficult to raise, my mother raised 9 and we did not give her problems, today, only one child is difficult at times.
Yeah, could we just put this out there that parents (and grandparents … or any caregivers) need to never be aiming their cell phone at someone else’s melting down child in public? If you haven’t had a toddler have an all-out scream fest in public, then great. I’m very envious of you. I’ve raised two children already, and they’re wonderful, caring, responsible adults, so I feel like I’m not completely inept when it comes to children. Today, however, my grandchild (3) screamed like I have never seen a child scream when I tried to get her buckled in her car seat to leave the pumpkin patch. She lost her mind. Screaming, biting the back of the seat of the car, throwing herself around so badly she probably bruised something. She’s not normally like this at all. We recently, however, lost my dad. She loved her great grandpa beyond reason. He was her biggest buddy and her dear friend. Now he’s gone, and she doesn’t understand. Now when her parents leave for work or we leave a place she’s having a good time, she has an over-the-top anxiety reaction that defies logic. Today, it took me almost 20 minutes to get her to calm down enough to buckle her into her car seat. She screamed and thrashed louder and longer than I’ve ever seen her act up. I watch her every day while her parents work, and she doesn’t do this. My husband saw a couple of phones aimed in our direction, and … can everyone just stop doing this? These young parents are going through enough day-to-day stress with all that’s going on in the world. Most parents are struggling to do the very best they can for their child. When you aim a phone at someone’s melting-down child to shame them on the Internet, you are 1) not even getting the whole story on what is going on and 2) making an already incredibly stressful situation worse. What you filmers didn’t hear were the sobs at the end of, “My grandpa is gone!” Every fun situation we leave triggers this for her right now. Her parents are working on it, but it happens, and it’s stressful, mortifying, discouraging, and embarrassing. Do you know what really would have helped? One of the women with phones walking over to ask if there might be anything they could do to improve the situation. We should be in this together, not trying to use each other to go viral on some app.
Please help! My child is 4 years old. She is also a very smart 4 year old. She started reception in September and has been loving it, but since returning from the October half term, she is having public tantrums every single day on the way home from school.
Sometimes it can be multiple tantrums either in the morning before we leave of after we have got home.
I am fairly strict with routine so she knows what to expect and what is allowed and what isn’t.
She tends to ask for things she knows she isn’t allowed knowing the answer is going to be no but kicking off when I say no anyway.
It could be over the simplest thing as in holding my hand when crossing the road or not being allowed to sroke someone’s dog.
The tantrum will last the whole 20 min walk home. She will stand in front of me so I can’t walk and shout and scream at me until we get home.
It’s become a daily thing and I am at the end of my tether not knowing what else to do. I try to remain calm but it is difficult sometimes I just want to scream myself. I need advice I just don’t know where to turn to.
Please ignore first comment and only take note of this one.
When I was growing up my parents always told me where we were going.
But if I didn’t behave I got a smack on the hand but when i was older they would warn me about my bad behaviour after 3 warnings they would either count to between 3 and 6 or down from between 6 and 9. If I still did not listen I got a smack on the bum. If i swore my mouth was washed with soap and I got a smack. If I ran away because I knew I was naughty and I was going to be punished my punishment was Speaking to. Smack. Time out and a toy taken away from me. My parents shouted at me 3 times as warning each time a little louder until they did a count down from 6 and then my smack came. If I threw tantrums they would speak to me if we were in public if it got worse then I got a smack. If we were at home or family or friends they ignore me if it got worse they would smack me and put me in time out. Things were also taken away from me it had to be my favorite toys otherwise they would just take things away from me. If I ever hurt someone I was made to apologize and then they would smack me and if they could they would put me in time out if I couldn’t go to time out they just ignored me for the rest of the time we were there. Whenever we were at people or people were at us and I was naughty after warning me 3 times they would tell me they needed to speak to me or have a little chat with me. On the 4th time in a row of being spoken to they shouted at me in so everyone could hear then I would get a smack once they spoke to me. If I did it again they would just come to me and give me a smack but then remove me from wherever or from whatever I was doing. If i ever spat or screamed or anything like that at anyone they would shout at me and then gave me a smack. My time outs at home were either in the bathroom or in my room or wherever they felt like it. If people were at us then my time out was normally in my room unless that where we were playing then it was in another room. If I destroyed my room while in time out I had to clean it before I was allowed out. If I was in another room and I destroyed that room I had to clean it and then sit in time out where ever they where if I made a noise I got a smack. If I was playing with people before I did something that caused me to need my smack I would have to sit and watch the others play. If I had friends over and I hurt them or misbehaved I got a smack and then time out after my parents phoned there parents to come fetch them because I am being naughty. When there parents arrived I had to apologise again and then go back to time out. If I was at a friend and my parents were called because I was naughty when they got there i had to say I was sorry for my bad behaviour then I got a smack and when I got home I was put in time out. I was always made to apologize if I did something wrong that caused my bad behaviour. When i was in nursery school my parents asked my teachers to also please use the count down method before giving me time out if I was naughty. When I was fetched from nursery school my parents would ask if I behaved if I didn’t I had to apologize and then I got a smack. If I didn’t apologise my parents apologised on my behalf after giving me a smack and when I got home I got another smack followed by time out. If I ever broke anything . My parents would shout at me and make me apologies. If I did it and it was at someone else’s house i also had to apologise to them. I was given a smack and if we were home I was put in time out. Time out was either on a chair facing a wall or on a floor or anywhere else my parents decided they want me to be for my time out. Mostly I had my time outs on the floor. Once my time out was over I had to say sorry with out crying otherwise they would smack me again. If I said I was sorry my parents would tell me why I was put in time out. If I promised not to do what I did or really said i was sorry without being told to they would give me a hug. Also they always told me why they gave me that smack especially if I didn’t go to time out afterwards. If I did something naughty but they knew it was nothing worth a time out or smack they would talk to me. If I ran crying or anything to apologize for doing something wrong they would speak to me and majority of the time they did not smack me they just gave me a hug and thank me for telling me and explain that what I did was wrong. Whenever we arrived at someones house I had to say hello. Otherwise they would take me a side and give me a little talking to. If there were other people there and I didn’t say hello they would have a word with me again. When people arrived if I did not say hello they spoke to me again. While there if my behavior was not acceptable they would talk to me and if it continued they would warn me about next time they will give me a smack. If I didn’t behave they would ask me to come have a little chat with them on the 3rd time they would smack me. If I threw a tantrum when they asked to speak to me no matter where we were I was given a smack there and then and put me next to one of them on the floor if I moved I got another smack and put back on the floor next to them. When it was time to go and I was playing with my friends or cousins or even on my own would I still didn’t listen they would pick me up and ignore my screaming and shouting and hitting and bitting or whatever I was doing. They would keep telling me to stop before they give me a smack. If I refused to say goodbye to anyone they would apologize for my rudeness pick me up and take me to the car. When there they would tell me how rude I was and give me a smack and then put me in the car and ignore me the whole way home. I was then sent to time out when I got home. Unless i was a sleep then they just picked me up and carried me. If I moaned or cried or complained I wanted to go home they had there chat with me if after 3 times it didn’t work they would give me a smack and make me sit in time out until they were ready either to go or let me leave time out. They didn’t care how many times they repeated this. I had to have afternoon naps if we were going out or people where coming to us if I refused I had to stay in my room but they spoke to me before we went out or before people came round about if I cause any bad behavior I will get a smack and go to time out. If i did not stay in my room I was taken back with a smack to follow. If we went to Shul and I didn’t behave or refused to go to children service they spoke to me but if my behaviour continued I was given a smack in front of everyone. If I threw a tantrum about not wanting to go to children service I got a smack and was left there but the people taking children service were told to ignore me if my behaviour got worse they had to go call one of my parents and they would give me a smack and put me in time out. If I got up from time out and the people running children service weren’t happy they had to call my parents and I was given another smack and bought into Shul and ignored unless I disrupted the service I was given another smack and taken out and my parents spoke to me and then one of them would stay out of Shul while I was in time out until the end of Shul then I had to apologise to the person who ran children service but if I didn’t I was given another smack and taken to the car when my parents were ready. If I refused to wish the people who my parents wished good Shabbat or good Yontiv to and they wished me. My parents would speak to me about my bad behaviour. If we had guests over for Shabbat supper or Yontiv supper and i misbehaved I would get a smack and then they would take me to my room and I could choose either I wanted time out or go to sleep. If I ever ran around the house or if we were at other people and it was inside after being asked 3 times I was given a talk with a smack and then had to sit next to one of my parents or in my room in time out. If we were crossing a road or out at the shops I had to hold my parents hand if I refused they would smack me and take my hand anyway. When we were at the shops either I could sit in the trolley or walk with them holding the trolley or on the back of the trolley. If I threw a tantrum or refused they would give me a smack and then ignore me until we got to the car. If I ever put things in the trolley because I wanted to and they asked me to take it out and I didn’t they they would count down from 6 and then they would take it out and give me a smack. If I misbehaved in the car and they could reach me they would smack me. Otherwise they would pull over and take me out my car seat and smack me. When my brother was born and I didn’t behave in the car they often would tell me they are going to put me in the baby seat if I continued acting like a baby. They did it a few times often giving me a smack. When we got home I got time out.When I was being toilet trained and I was wearing panties and I didn’t tell them I needed the bathroom and I messed in my underwear I was given a smack.
Even though I was disciplined with a lot of smacking and time outs my childhood was amazing I loved every second of it if I could go back to the ages I was when this all happened I would.
Honestly i love my parents for the way they disciplined me it has made me who I am today.
How sad I feel for any child who’s parents’ view their behavior as manipulative and demanding when in fact this is the very behavior of adults. How sad that you think your child’s needs and upsets are a thing to be “managed”. What if your spouse or partner ignored your requests and upsets because they were afraid that if they “gave in to them” you would do it more. A child is powerless, resourceless, and just trying to get their needs met. This article is more focused on the parents needs, including public perceptions, than looking into what is behind the upsets. Use all the euphemisms you want including the words “positive parenting”. This is nothing of the sort. Dehumanization with composer is no less than dehumanization.
First it wasn’t a “random” public outburst. The child was near nap time AND the expectation of playing wasn’t met. At this age they aren’t able to communicate and reason like we are. If you were to translate this to adult language it would be like going to Chic Fil A and there not being any chicken.