Isn’t it frustrating when your child resorts to attention-seeking behavior and nothing you do seems to snap them out of it?
It’s tiring to be the parent that everyone stares at because your child is constantly drawing attention at the most inopportune moment in the most embarrassing way.
Every day, millions of parents take their children into public settings with no issues at all. Their children stand out for their polite manners and quiet demeanor. These children’s parents are complimented and noticed for all of the right reasons.
Then there are parents that face the constant battle of trying to rein their children in for bringing attention to themselves for all of the wrong reasons.
Do you fall into the latter of the two categories?
What if I told you that you are not alone? That there are others out there that face the same challenges of attention-seeking behavior from their kids every single day?
I know because I was one of them. And still belong to the club some days.
However, having walked through this trial and having mostly broken out of the attention-seeking behavior my son displayed, I can shed some light on a few ways to keep your sanity while doing the same. I hope some of you find this helpful in your own journeys with your kids.
First Things First: Find the “Why?” That Drives the Attention-Seeking Behavior
Trying to find out why your child is seeking attention is always a good starting point. Ask yourself this question: why is my child acting this way?
In my case, my middle son is not my biological son. He is one of my stepchildren that I have adopted to raise as my own.
When we first got custody of him, he was an expert at causing a scene anytime, anywhere. He wanted to be sure everyone saw him, gave him attention, and that all of the attention went to him and not our other two children.
He had traveled a hard road of neglect and to him, any attention was good attention.
To me, it was mortifying because I was the mother everyone was whispering about because my child was out of control!
One of the main reasons children resort to attention-seeking behavior is that some children get as little as 7 minutes a day of one-on-one time with their parents! 7 minutes a day!
Wouldn’t you be looking for attention any way you could get it if you thought the people who matter most in your life only noticed you for only 7 minutes a day?
It is important to seek out the why behind this behavior because if it persists it could lead your child down a road of bullying behavior.
So how do you know if your child is an attention seeker? According to nobullying.com these are the different types of attention seekers:
- Those that fake illness to get attention.
- The child that is overly dramatic.
- The child that causes harm to another person just to play the hero in the situation.
- The child that puts themselves as the leader in any situation to receive attention.
- The child that plays one parent against the other.
- The child that acts as though they are super busy and over the top important so that it amazes people that they are able to complete everything on their plate.
- The one who pretends to be a victim over the smallest of situations.
It is important to seek professional help if the underlying cause is something extremely traumatic. However, in most cases, you can talk to your child about these underlying issues and then move on to the next steps.
Build Your Child Up
I struggled with this with my son. When you have a child that constantly acts out in order to seek attention it is hard. Even after you know why they are doing this, it doesn’t always make it just magically stop.
I had to make him feel secure that he had a permanent place in our home. He was so scared of becoming the middle child and being forgotten about. He didn’t want to go back to his younger years of neglect.
Even though I knew I would never forget or neglect him, it was hard for him to shake that fear.
At first, in the midst of trying to help him become more secure in a new family and safe environment, I became negative. I found myself becoming so focused on the problem that I was forgetting to shift my focus to all of the good things he was doing. I wasn’t focusing on all of the positive ways he was changing and adapting.
When I realized what I was doing and began to not just give him words of affirmation but also encourage him in the positive ways that he was adapting, he began to transform.
He realized people were noticing him as he was and need not resort to negative attention seeking behavior. He was gaining confidence in who he was. It was an amazing thing to witness.
A couple of tips on how to successfully build your child up:
1. Give Words of Affirmation- Any child that is acting in a way to seek attention is feeling insecure within themselves. It is important to tell your child how special they are and how much they mean to you.
For instance, tell your child at random just how loved they are. One way I do this is to randomly yell my son’s name and say (very loudly), “I love you!!!” It gets the whole house’s attention, usually brings about a lot of laughter, and though his little face turns cherry red he loves the special attention and the random reminder of how loved he truly is.
I also pay close attention to the mundane things he does during the day. If he completes his chores without anyone asking him, I am sure to go by and give him a little hug and say what a great job he did.
2. Focus on the Positive- Try to focus more on the positive that your child is doing instead of the attention seeking behavior. According to psychcentral.com it is important to place more focus on your child’s good behavior verses their misbehavior. However, be sure that just because you are trying to change your focus of your child’s behavior that you never lose focus of your child.
For example, if your child goes into a public setting where normally they would seek out attention but they do not, make a much larger deal out of their good behavior than you would if you had to deal with a case of public tantrum and misbehavior.
We recently took a trip to visit my family in a different state. It is natural for kids to be a little wild at grandma’s house. Usually, my son would go overboard. However, this last trip he was very calm and respectful instead of overwhelming the whole family with his attention-seeking behavior. We made a huge deal out of his transformation by complimenting him in front of the whole family about how polite he was being. He also received a special day trip because of how well behaved he was during our visit.
Give Your Child Your Time
As mentioned above, some children only receive 7 minutes of one-on-one time a day from their parents. Make sure that you are not one of those parents.
Familyeducation.com states that there are 3 types of attention: positive attention, negative attention, and no attention. It is important that parents figure out how to balance. We need to consciously ensure that our children receive more positive attention from us than any other forms because the other forms of attention teach children how to manipulate situations to gain our attention. Our time is a precious commodity to our kids.
How do you accomplish giving your kids more time?
- Be intentional- Have a set time during the day that is just for you and your child/children. Turn off the phones, computers, and any other distractions and focus just on them.
- Make this time fun- This is a time that should be fun and an investment in your children’s lives. Be a kid again. Play board games, cook together, go on a hike, or make a craft. The list of fun things to do with your kiddos is endless – you can take a look at this collection of 101 fun things to do with kids to enjoy everyday family life for starters.
Want to foster meaningful connections with your children? Dr. Laura Markham, world-renowned clinical psychologist, shares tips on how to connect and how we can become our children’s emotional coaches even when they’re acting their worst in the “Staying Connected With Kids” Masterclass.This packed masterclass is one of the 60+ masterclasses you get when you join the AFineParent Academy. Click here to learn more.Give Your Child Their Time
As important as your time with your kids is, it is just as important that they have their time too.
You are their parent, not their cruise director. Kids have to learn there is a time and place for everything. There is a time to interact and be the center of attention and then there are times when they should not be the main focus. They need to realize that it is okay to not be the center of everything all the time.
This did our son more good than anything because it gave him time to be himself. He could do whatever he wanted (as long as it was safe) and figure out who he was and what he liked. He didn’t have to constantly think on his toes for the next thing to get the spotlight on him. It helped him mellow out.
So how does this work?
This is how we do it at our house- Our kids have times that they go to their rooms and play by themselves. It usually lasts 15-30 minutes. It lasts longer as they get older because they enjoy their space. It is good for them because they learn how to entertain themselves and not depend on other’s focus to be content. We do not use electronics to do this. It also gives parents a little break and time to regroup.
Drop the Guilt, Not the Ground Rules
As parents, we must realize our children’s behavior is not always a direct reflection of our parenting. I know it is hard to remember this as we are being judged by those who are passing by our screaming child in the grocery store, but our children are people with freewill. We must remember this.
We can teach our children, but it is up to them what they do with that teaching. So stop the self-inflicted guilt trip.
That said, we are the parents. We have to develop steady rules that our kids can follow and know that they will be the same in each situation. This is not being “mean” but teaching good behavior. Consistency is key in this situation.
One rule in our family is “no interrupting”. When our son seeks out attention, it is often hard to get words in edge wise because he can out talk everyone. This was a habit that had to be broken because it can make daily communication a struggle.
Attention-seeking behavior can present many challenges within a family. However, do not give up! Our kids can overcome this with communication, love, and support. Use this trial as an opportunity to deepen and grow your relationship with your child. They will appreciate you for it in the long-run.
The 2-Minute Action Plan for Fine Parents
When your child starts seeking attention it is important to remember, respond, and remove.
- Remember why they are acting this way which should help you to respond more gracefully.
- Respond by calmly letting your child know that their behavior is not appropriate for the time.
- Remove the child from the situation for a moment until they can calm down if they do not respond to the warning.
The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents
Stopping a child’s attention-seeking behavior takes a lot of patience on your part. It is important to stick to your rules so everything is consistent for your child. (No guessing games)!
Remember that it is okay to feel frustrated but be sure to vent your frustration in appropriate ways. You can do things like keep a journal or talk to a friend. It is best to be proactive in dealing with frustration so there is no build up and no unexpected outbursts projected onto your child. Keep it positive and before you know it your child’s attention-seeking behavior will be a thing of the past.
Wouldn’t that be awesome??
Love this advice, especially about giving one-on-one time every day. 7 minutes is not enough, kids need more time to feel close and connected. So I make sure to do a puzzle or legos or some activity with my son every day, in addition to meal times when we are together and going out for walks or to the park as much as we can. I also think it’s great to focus on the positive and notice and appreciate the good things, instead of noticing unwanted behavior or complaining about things I might not like.
I totally agree that 7 minutes is not enough time. That is awesome that you carve out time and ways to spend that time together. Family meals, trips to the park, etc. are so vital in building healthy family relationships. They may not seem like anything fancy or special to some but it is in those small areas that kids find security and for that reason those seemingly small gestures are so important.
Beautiful advice.
I really enjoyed reading this! A great reminder for me to “focus on the positive”. Thanks for sharing!
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Great article! I’d never seen the list of types of attention-seekers — interesting. I have one of the “dramatic” types here. 🙂 I love your suggestions for providing nurturing and affirmation. And it’s good to be reminded that kids’ behavior is not always a direct result of parenting.
Hi I was just wondering if it will work on a child with adhd and they are five with mental age of a three year old. I have tried nearly everything but feel there is more out there for learning purposes. Pleasr could you be able to help me with some pointers? Many thanks in advance. Hannie
I’ve worked with pre-k and younger for a while and I’ve seen most of these. I’ve found that when it comes to fits (like being disappointed about not getting your way or what you want) giving them a safe space and allotted time to have the fit helps. “Jimmy” is having a fit over a feeling that’s very real to him. Telling him, Jimmy I see that “name the feeling”. How about you can go to your room and get mad. The only rules are you can’t hurt/damage anything and you have to be done in “x” minutes. Then I’d love to talk to you when you’re done.
Really interesting article. I will try to apply all these advises. My problem is that when I am getting tired of after a long journey of word, I am becoming grumpy with my child and just regret afterward. I am also used to overreacting on my child bad behavior. Could you please help me?
Excellent article! My son displays attention seeking behavior a lot, and your article was a great reminder to me of what I need to do for him as we have had a re-emergence of them lately. Though he has autism, he is very much like a lot of other neuro typical children his age and these same rules can apply. As a writer as well, I have to say that I love your writing. Good luck with your future endeavors.
I have learned that my 6yr old who has ADHD can go 20 min. Without seeking my attention with negative behaviors. So every 18 minutes I go to him and give him a quick bit of attention. It has gotten rid of most of the attention seeking. When we started he was only going about 7 min……baby steps.
Love how you put the 3 rules for fine parents. It works so good in our case… I wish I knew that starting at parenting. ?
I have 3 kids and i spend lots of time with them together and seperate. Each get equal attention. But for some reason my youngest daughter does everything in her power to get all the attention. She fakes being sick, cries when her sick sibling gets meds and she does not. Yells out loud that her siblings are herting her but they didn’t. Take last night for example, her brother (4) got fever so we gave him meds to break it, she (5) shares a room with him. I saw her squinting ar him (she was not sleeping) and then 2 min later she came to us saying she wett the bed (which was not wet when we attended to her brothers needs), her body language and behavior showed she has been awake for a while. How can i stop her from getting jealous of sibling attention without degrading the equal attention spread in my family? Another instance is when we baught cupcakes, she wanted on but supper was ready, my wife and i told her she can get one after supper. So she started crying. Being her dad i gave in and gave her a cupcake. She immediately ran to her sister and bragged that she got a cupcake. Her sister asked her why did she get one. (My wife was in the room) so she sayd “just cry and daddy will give”
What do i do now? She played me, she fights for attention, then bragges about it to her siblings (causing them to feel neglected) this has been going on for 2 years. Please help me
Hi, when she crys don’t give firstly. If she pulls stunts like the bed wetting, don’t make a fuss about it at all, one of you change the bed the other give her clothes to change into and then go and check on the others leaving her to get change and paying her no attention. Then put her straight in bed and say goodnight, saying good night to her siblings after her. Give her attention when she earns it and play games with her etc. But if she tantrums don’t let her get away with it eg in the cup cake situation, tell her she will now have no cake, and if she continues to tantrum send her to her room and tell her she can come down when she is ready to behave. Always follow through and be consistent. Plus occasionally she needs to learn that her siblings may get things that she doesn’t and she may get things that they don’t, but you love them a equally. If she gets jealous remind her that but don’t fuss.
As a preschool teacher I have learned that being consistent is the best thing. Whenever you say something to a child think well before saying it and make sure that you will be able to perform it. They will test you. Also, if your child asks to have the cupcake? State the positive first. Yes, you may have the cupcake after dinner. You can smile to the child as you say this and even get down to their level. I have heard parents say to their child right away “no, you cannot have the cupcake (candy)” with a really sharp tone. You need to speak to your child wisely. Yes, you can have the “desired item”, but let’s finish dinner first. This will show the child that you understand and respect them. The more consistent you are the more will your children trust you and over time they will realize that they are in good hands when they obey you. If you have been inconsistent in the past, it will be a little harder to reestablish yourself, but just be consistent going forward, and be fair. If you mess up and you give one child something, you have to give it to all of them. So think well before you do something. I wish you the best!!!
I stopped reading soon after I started. Being a parent is not about being embarrassed that you are the parent everyone is staring at….perhaps that was your first mistake and is your biggest problem.
And that’s a shame that you cannot admit that at some point you have not been embarrassed by something in the same way. The article didn’t state that “she’s embarrassed to be a parent” it was a statement about how the attention was overwhelming and her lack of addressing it caused embarrassment because the behavior was unacceptable. This Drove her to want to change the behavior and to parent in a different way. It’s people like you that make doing something like this difficult because you cannot keep an open mind, you go right to a judgment. Had you read further you would have understood. OR NOT
You didn’t have anything to offer, if you’re going to criticize you should have a solution but maybe that’s your “first mistake and biggest problem.”
You had the choice to read it and didn’t want to…. just move on then, don’t be mean! This is the first time in my life that I’ve replied to any comments but I couldn’t help myself because I’ve spent a lot of time in life wondering why on earth we are nasty to people and why we can’t all get along…. it’s crap like this where we have to tell someone “who did an excellent article” that we didn’t like it… and did it in a disrespectful way…. WHY? Do you feel better about life now or just yourself? Sorry to anyone hurt on a daily bases by things like this that no one should have to deal with. Deal with crisis not opinions and childish people! Love each other more than you love yourself and treat your children like humans not as things in your life and change the negativity in the world by being positive!
Right on, to everything you said! thank you, the writer who gave these wonderful ideas, tips, and examples wrote this beautifully, intelligently, from experience and from the heart💗.
Cannot agree more ….great, simple, positive approach .
I appreciate this. I am trying to find solutions for my sons behavior at school. He’s very good at home, full of heart and tenderness, very smart, great grades cares about his family. Though the challenge I am facing is that he is seeking attention from another kid in his class and because of that he’s getting in trouble for talking or playing around in class. Do you have any advice for me?
Hello Tonya, It happens many time. If child is best in every activity then he will expect that all should praise him or should always watch him doing the best activities. So what I suggest you as per my experience is that you can teach him that if your friend talks with you or not but there is always GOD seeing you silently that what you are doing. What makes difference if your friend praise you or he looks at you? does he will give you anything ?? But if GOD will notice you than he can definitely put your name in the book of most smart and intelligent and good kids book which GOD prepares. So, you should not seek attention from your friends but always keep in mind that GOD is always there and watching your each activity and he will give you the points in your life. This is how I teach my daughter. Hope it will be helpful to you.
Hi Jennifer. This is really great. I just couldn’t stop reading. And it really helped.
I have three sons. One of them is perfect at attention seek, and this could be a real pain. It got me frustrated, and I begun to think up ways to deal with the situation.
But reading this article opened my eyes the more. Thanks to Sumitha who sent me the email that contained this link.
Gloria Okezie-Okafor
Writer and Motivator
This is good advise if they are younger and just outburts is the problem. But what about when he is 13 stealing from siblings parents and school. Lying every time he opens his mouth and cutting up and scraping up everything in your home. Clogging up plumbing and sneaking things and hiding trash and razor blades in the couch and under the couch. Not doing school work. Puts on a great performance every time he gets in trouble like he’s sorry and going to change and does it all over again the next day. Lies about taking medicine and going to the bathroom. Uses his lunch money for other things and even after you block him from getting anything but lunch he steals money from a school fundraiser just to buy 44 snacks in a month. Disrespects me and does the opposite of what I ask him to do. His answers for why he does anything is always I don’t know or why he didn’t do something he does everyday I forgot. What then? No form of discipline or spending extra time or treating him special or going on Mom son dates has changed anything just gotten worse. This is my stepson I got him at 10 and he’s now 13. My husband has been supportive and helps disipline but to no end.
Oh I have one other stepson a daughter and a 1 year old son as well.
Three years is no time in step family terms. Sounds like he’s hurting and he’s getting into the difficult years too. His bio parent should step up and both of you show him much love.
If his behavior has not changed, then speak with a behaviorist or a psychologist. You have to follow-up with all the “reflection time” and “punishments”, i.e. take away a video game if they do something that is not allowed, if the time out does not take care of it. A lot of the time, they test us and because of our “adult” inconsistency they get their way. So sometimes we have to evaluate ourselves and teach ourselves first to be consistent, fair, positive, authoritative adults. Watch the Nanny tv series, it teaches a lot too.
Ridiculous
I meant ridiculous that comment that being an embarrassed part is the problem
Three years is no time in step family terms. Sounds like he’s hurting and he’s getting into the difficult years too. His bio parent should step up and both of you show him much love.
I totally have an attention seeking daughter’s. I can literally take them out for 4 or 5 hours to the zoo and be super interactive with then while I’m there and it never seems to be enough. At home they literally run in circles. Bouncing from activity to activity like little crazy people. I feel like they are Always demanding I watch or do everything with them. I never get a break
Me too Avery. I am in the same boat and it is exhausting
Me too. I am with my 3 year old daughter – really with her – almost all day and still in those tiny slivers of time that I need to do something else she whines and demands to be held or played with. I am the opposite of that 7 minute statistic – we spend about 7 minutes a day apart and do so much playing/dancing/reading/snuggling! It just feels like it is never enough and I’m so, so very tired and most articles just suggest that I’m not spending enough real time with her and it’s somehow my issue. GAAAAAAH.
Me too Ali!
I can’t help but feel sometimes that giving too much attention is the reason my daughter is so demanding of my time and attention. She literally want’s nothing to do with any other family members (who all adore her), it’s always just “mommy” mom mama mommy no mommy do it. I want mom to do it! (like a bad cartoon of annoying characters). It is beyond exhausting when people come and try to help me get a break she still ignores them and has a tantrum if someone else offers to get her a snack or whatever, she screams no, mommy do it! I’m losing my mind…
Hello. My suggestion is that you are spending TOO much time with her. I am dealing with a similar issue with my daughter and my 3 year old grandchild. Mommy is always on the phone (facebook, etc) and busy with her 1 year old always being held and throws a “FIT” about being ignored or set down. My daughter has created this but although the baby is only 1 I do feel she knows exactly what she is doing and gets her way. This brings on negative feelings for the 3 year old who is “trying” to get attention by misbehaving because that is the only way she is noticed. My husband tells me to stay out of it (mind you they live with me) and as much as I try I keep trying to tell her mom that the older one sees how much attention the little one gets and the fits that she throws that the older one (BTW is very smart for a 3 year old) is seeing this and is trying to compete and win the “love and attention” that she is seeking. I on the other hand do pay attention to the 3 year old by reading her bed time stories and doing things together and now her mother is mad at me because my grandbaby always wants “nanny” to help her or do things with her. My daughter has lately punished her with time away from “nanny” because she is not behaving but I do not feel no matter what the situation is that being away from nanny should not be a punishment. My daughter needs to get off the phone and pay attention to both children equally and I do not see that happening. BTW yes, there are two different fathers and the new baby’s dad is the one in the picture. So could go on but trying to stick to the issue at hand.
Same Ali and All,
I’m Grandma and my 2.5 year old grand daughter has the need to be constantly entertained by whomever is around. Mainly Mommy and Daddy but the grands and when other relatives around too, she goes to whomever is happy to play with her. I have to admit, she is very fun kid and it’s hard to tell her no but I try to use some boundaries and redirect her so that she understands she can’t always be the center of attention and that adults have other things that also need attention. She doesn’t so much demand to be held as she does “pay attention and play with me” ===and she does receive mass quantities of attention. She’s a beautiful lamb of a child for the most part but my goodness she is exhausting. I noticed this behavior since as a very young baby…and then later, like when she was playing with toys, she was never focused on fixated on any one thing and would change from toy to toy when we’d come over. I made the suggestion that they put some toys away and just have a handful at a time. At those times she also wanted your constant attention to her toys and her . I also notice when the adults are talking she wants to interrupt and it’s become more noticeable that she seems slightly ‘offnote’ with these activities. She is an only child and has almost NO interactions with other toddlers except very infrequent ones when cousins visit from distant places. She plays well and seems to really be ultra focused on the children when they’re around, so much that WE, the adults finally blur into the background for those moments. We are totally ignored in fact. The contrast is sort of weird but I wish she had more playmates on a regular basis. Mom and her are pretty bonded although she has no problems spending time away with Grands for days at a time. When she stays with us, we are exhausted with her constant need for entertainment and interaction and while we try to encourage her to spend moments on her own within eye shot of us, so we can get other things done, she constantly wants attention. I remember my own son who was an only child…could spend 20 minutes playing with a toy or something he was delighted with on his own. As long as we showed some interest and delight in it too, he could entertain himself for periods. The other thing I notice about her, is she turns on and off with people. She doesn’t like it when Mommy and Daddy has to come and pick her up and acts very bratty and actually sometimes hits them during that transition. And if a new person comes on the scene, she ignores others and sometimes displays indifference to you. All in all she is very happy child… and her parents do spend tons of time with her. I just see certain behaviors that has me worrying she is always going to need so much attention of people and have difficulty with confidence or self esteem because she doesn’t have a capacity to be still ( she is on hyper side) or focused in self directed self entertaining activities. She always requires someone to entertain her with her toys. Lastly, if I tell her I have to do the dishes and to go into the other room for a bit, she will constantly come back in and ask me to open up something or change something or whatever it might be. It’s so hard because after a while you are exhausted by not having a moment to yourself.
Hello,
I just had to comment on this article, I read and appreciate many good article’s, but yours was long, and EXCELLENT from start to finish!!
Thank you for the time and thought and experience that you put into this!
You have, I’m sure, helped countless parents with extremely useful and ‘tried and true’ advice.
I am searching advice for a neighbor, and you my friend, are an expert! Will be definitely reading and recommending more of your superb article’s!!
Thanks for sharing. I find myself reading these articles more often (I have a 19 month old) and it doesn’t fail to teach me something. It is always a good reminder that our kids are only seeking love and attention in disguise of all the misbehaving going on. I will be sharing this article.
This is all great advice. I just want to add that, especially if your kids are young (~6 and under), make absolutely sure the bases are covered first: 1) Is your child well-rested (i.e. getting enough sleep each day/night)? 2) Is your child hungry, or getting hungry when the acting out occurs? If you can have structured times for meals and snacks, you can pre-empt a lot of negative behavior. If a kid is already well-rested and not feeling hungry, you’re starting out in a place for the above mentioned strategies to be most effective.
I also very much agree with the advice of a preschool teacher above in the comments: always try to frame things positively: yes, you can have a cupcake after dinner. Kids really start to tune out all of the negatives they hear, and saying no all the time becomes ineffective.
As far as being embarrassed when your child has a meltdown in public, I think that is a very personal topic for each individual parent. Some parents don’t mind, and won’t even notice someone else’s child having a tantrum in public; others will feel burning shame when people innocently look over at them. Instead of focusing on that, I agree that we should empower parents with some practical strategies to help deal with difficult behavior.
Thanks for sharing. I have three grandchildren that fall into this category. Now I have more tools to work with.
I feel the same way as Avery and Ali. I think I do alot with my 8 year old son and he still needs more attention. How do we handle this? I’m at my wits end with him lately because he is very smart and I just need these behaviors of things he says and does to get attention to stop!
If your having problems with your child, another alternative is the Safe Haven Law. Simply drop your kid off at one the the designated fire stations, get in your car and drive away. Yes, it can be that simple! Enjoy your life from the pesky little ones.
Parents drop off baby at fire station under Safe Haven Law
That’s a rather silly and sarcastic comment. Nobody is saying they don’t love their children. They are trying to figure out how to best approach child rearing and build confidence and self esteem into their child at the same time. If that isn’t love,, I don’t know what is.
Work for all
bradlohhy@gmail.com
I’d be curious to know how the other two kids felt with so much effort, time, resources and attention being put into this one child when there are another two kids in the house also growing up and going through stuff. It can’t have been easy for them to suddenly acquire a new brother who wanted all the attention.
My son is 11 years old. He has ADHD and oppositional defiance disorder. He is on medication for both disorders. He has attention-seeking behavior. He plays the victim a lot it’s never his fault it’s always someone else’s fault. I make him mad so he broke something and it’s my fault that he broke it not his.
Since the time change it has been very hard to deal with. his father and I have been separated for 5 years now and his father has a new girlfriend and they have baby together. He’s very happy with his baby brother and plays with him as often as he can.
when he acts disrespectful towards his father or his stepmother or myself he’s not allowed to have technology he’s already been punished for 2 weeks now and he has said comments like his life has ended he doesn’t want to live with punishments. We explain that he causes his own issues and if he didn’t act in certain behaviours he wouldn’t receive consequences. He seems to throw more tantrums at my place. His father has him for one week and I have them the following week. there are also two other children at his father’s house as his stepmother has two kids from a previous relationship.
is he saying these things just to get my attention or is he serious about not wanting to live anymore it’s hard to say since he exaggerates everything. He gets a small bump on his leg and he cries like his leg has been cut off. A few weeks ago he got a black eye in school and didn’t complain about it too much. I’m hoping it’s just the time change that has mix em up and he will be okay but I don’t know. Please help.
his behaviour is disturbing at home as he has an older sister who is 13 and she also has ADHD but she does not have the oppositional defiance. He is so much of an attention seeker that she really doesn’t want to be around him. is this normal what can I do to make things better. I know I’m a good mom but I don’t feel like it sometimes. I’m doing what I can.
Your son probably feels a bit lost in all the changes that have taken place within his father’s life. Where does he fit exactly? His older sister copes overall better, his dad has a new child, a new family and there’s only you, his mom left that is actually reflecting the helplessness he’s feeling himself. Sometimes children with ODD do NOT respond well to ’cause and effect’ consequences because they are off the spectrum for what works with more normally behaved children. My son was also ODD and NO amount of consequences, or trying to be logical and persuasive with him had any effect at all. That’s the honest truth. So…you’ll need a lot of support yourself, You also need to see your son as a lovable – enough soul who has good moments and can have even more of them in the future. He needs to feel your confidence in him, in his worthiness, in his ability to choose well and to be well no matter how difficult a temper he has. When you keep trying to make him see the error of his ways, you prop up a failed sense of self which supports the negative default behavior(s) without even trying to. He will not show a great deal of remorse, which I know is unsettling, but being gentle (not babying) in tone in response is better in the long run. I’m not saying there shouldn’t be firm boundaries and no consequences yet for him 2 weeks may be too long a time to take away electronics when or if they have been a constant source of tension reduction and or even a sense of achievement (when winning). If however, video games or the like overall causes more tension in the household or increases bad behavior, you may need to consider removing technology that isn’t education based from the house altogether. You see, in kids with ODD they must understand with a certainty that what isn’t necessary (and to you, what is actually helping (negatively)alter their behavior) to the environment they are in, can be cut off entirely. Try to do it without a punitive tone though. It shouldn’t just always be about ‘their behavior’ – it can be something else for the reason it’s not available. For example…a faulty connection, or that it’s an expense you can’t cover and it has to be only used on a limited basis. In it’s place, perhaps finding alternatives that balance that energy out with more enriching pursuits. You might consider fencing, junior archery for eg. Also, if you need work done around the house, why not ask him to help with it. Hand him a paint brush and whatever you do, don’t become frustrated with him if he’s sloppy at what he does or acts like a jerk, because it’s likely to happen. That’s what he’s use to doing. And he’ll test you to kingdom come! He’s 11…and going into puberty. Boys usually shift in their dependence on mom and want more dad time. Yet, it’s important mom be available for helping build her little man into someone who becomes the kind of person that can approach the world and not already feel undone by it. Don’t pit his sister against him in anyway. I’m not saying you are, but don’t make it part of the conversation that tells him he’s bad that even his sister doesn’t want much to do with him. Kids with ODD, want to be a thorn in everyone sides. It’s a horrible Dx to end up with for a parent. You end up carrying so much stress and worry and as they age, even terror of what they might be capable of doing. Do lots of nature trips. The beach, camping, and being with other kids that are patient and good natured. Speak to your daughter about having kindly and team player attitude with her brother. For eg. if a holiday or special day is coming up, that she includes him in the planning for it. Teach her that less is MORE with the way her brother is so as not to overwhelm him when working together on something with him. Your son needs to feel good about something. Not that life is just about receiving punishments at the long end of all of his bad behaviors. He must have some sense of accomplishment, of achievement. You said he’s very good with his baby half brother — that’s a great sign! As difficult as I’m sure it’s been on you being a single mother, his kindness towards his baby brother during what might be an uncomfortable and upset situation should be acknowledged and often. Best of luck. You are dealing with the hardest of situations. Please also consider that with ODD, you really need to think outside of the box. I took my son to a qualified hypnotherapist that did a variety of techniques which in the long run had some positive effects.
Do a parenting g course – punishing doesn’t help relationships. Being nurturing and caring , firm and friendly when needed and consistent and predictable will help your children feel safe. Disengage from the power struggle without losing your power or getting angry. “I can hear you want that now. We can talk about that after dinner now who can help me set the table?” inject a bit of fun into mundane things by doing things together, tickle smile cuddle encourage but don’t give your parenting power away. Step into the parent you want to be. Guidance and affirmation will build your childs self image and fun will improve your relationships. Good luck.
Ignoring negative behavior can be difficult. If a child is not following directions or is being disruptive, our natural instinct is to stop and address that behavior. But as adults, we do an awful lot of talking during discipline.